Haibara’s Teenage New Game+ - Volume 4 - Chapter 3.5

Third Interlude

“Make her happy.”

Tatsuya’s words lingered in my mind. I knew what he meant. I realized that I’d been naive. While brainstorming the lyrics, I’d dug down deep to find out who I was.

What kind of person am I? How do I think? Who do I love? 

As I tried to express my individuality through music, there were naturally more opportunities to face myself. I was forced to acknowledge the things I’d pretended not to notice. This whole time, I had just been running away.

I was running away from making a choice. I was running away from giving them my answer.

Why? Because regardless of who I chose, someone would be hurt as a result. I hated that. I wanted them both to smile. I didn’t want two people I cherished to get hurt. And in the first place, I didn’t feel like I had the right to choose either one of them.

But that was just what I thought on the surface. I was not such a good person. The truth was that I was terrified that I would hurt someone else.

I had an indecisive personality. To be more precise, I had become indecisive over the course of the drab, gray days I’d spent in high school the first time around. Because of the immense failure I’d experienced in my youth, I became a coward. Before making a decision, it had become a habit to speculate on what would happen and then carefully analyze whether I was doing something wrong. I liked to call it being cautious, but in truth I was being a wimp.

It all boiled down to my lack of self-confidence—just as everyone had kept telling me.

That was why I couldn’t choose. Choosing one would mean she would become my girlfriend. Would she really be fine with a sham like me who’d never dated before? Was I someone who could make my girlfriend happy? Was I worthy enough to stand by your side? Such questions spun round and round inside my head as it became more and more realistic that I would actually get a girlfriend. This wasn’t a world of my delusions. I had the burden of responsibility.

It had been easy when my love was one-sided, because I’d never truly felt like I would actually get to date her. But right now, it was equally painful whether I chose someone or not. It was pointless to pretend to be someone I wasn’t either. The answer needed to come from the real me. That was why I continued pretending to be conflicted, and delayed concluding this matter.

But if my actions are hurting people instead... If I’m worrying the two people who mustered up the courage to confess to me... My only choice is to change.

I need to be confident. I need to become someone you think is cool. I need to be someone who can proudly declare that I love you and that I’ll make you happy... And at the very least, I want to be someone who you won’t regret loving. 

That’s why I’ll show you how cool I am onstage during the school festival. That’s why I’ve been frantically practicing every day—because I refuse to allow myself to compromise!

This is a rite to transform myself. With our music, I will change the world before me. When this song reaches you, I believe that I’ll be standing right there with you, as someone who is worthy.