Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 14.2 - Chapter 2.03

3. Individual Freedom

I found an inn and cleared out of the lodging house. It was a place where only women could stay, so even Hayashi wouldn’t come visit.

It was a lie when I said I’d try things on my own. I had no intent of trying. But I couldn’t just do nothing, either. Just living cost money. What I had left at the Yorozu Deposit Company would run out in the not-so-distant future.

I had no leads, so I tried going to the Volunteer Soldier Corps office. I’ll ask Britney for advice, I thought, but when the time came, I couldn’t even bring myself to enter the office. As I was standing right in front of the building, “Hey, you, what’s the matter?” someone called out to me from behind. When I turned, there was a smiling man with the look of a warrior about him.

“You know, you’ve been standing there a while. I was thinking it was weird. You can see why I’d be concerned, right?”

The man was a typical specimen, but he was missing one of his front teeth, and one of his incisors on the right side, which made him look a little silly. He had a weird name, too. It wasn’t his real name, but he introduced himself as Maron. All I told him was that I’d left my party, and so I was looking for work.

“In that case,” Maron said, casually gearing up to make me an offer, “I’m in what’s called the Free Union. How about it? Want to take a look? It’s not a clan, though. Freelance volunteer soldiers participate on their own terms, forming and disbanding parties whenever. It’s that sort of loose association. You’d be free to come and go from the union itself, too, of course. You can try putting together a party, and if it works out, you stick together. That’s a thing that happens sometimes, so it might be a good way to search for comrades.”

It sounded perfect for me. Maron took me to a bar in Celestial Alley where he said the members of this Free Union hung out, and he introduced me to everyone. It wasn’t as big as the famous Sherry’s Tavern, but it was a fairly large place, and there were maybe twenty patrons. It seemed that more than half of them were involved with this Free Union.

“Nobody’s uptight or anything in this group. I mean it. You can just take it easy.”

That’s what Maron said, but I felt tense, and spent most of the time looking down at the floor. Even when people talked to me, I couldn’t respond properly. Was having one person like that around enough to make things awkward? I was worried about that, but acting normal and putting on a show of being cheerful were both beyond me.

“Well, for now, will you try joining a party with me? I’ll just round up four other people at random. Let’s try going to the Cyrene Mines tomorrow.”

“The Cyrene Mines...!” I blurted out despite myself. The bar went quiet, and an incredible awkwardness stabbed into my heart like a thousand needles. “...Sorry. I’m not quite up to the Cyrene Mines.”

“Uh, sure. Got it. Yeah. Well, let’s go somewhere else, then.”

Laughing, Maron assured me it was all fine.

“Leave this to me. I know quite a few good spots. Though, it’ll be a bit of a long trip. That okay? It is, right? It’ll be a few nights... Yeah, it takes a day there, and a day back, so three nights, I guess. Get yourself ready for that, and we’ll meet at the north gate tomorrow, okay?”

I was uneasy. But I steeled myself, thinking it had to be done. Maybe I hadn’t lied to Shinohara after all. I had honestly left Orion with the intention to try my best. If I was in Orion—if I was with Hayashi, I couldn’t face forward. If I was looking forward, I would always see Hayashi’s back there. For me, that was a bizarre sight. Not that Hayashi was there. The fact that only Hayashi was there. It was unbearable. If Hayashi was there, obviously Michiki and Ogu had to be, too, and it was just wrong for Mutsumi to not be beside me. But they weren’t there. My comrades weren’t anywhere. They would never return. I was painfully reminded of that every single second. That was hard on me. Harder than I could bear.

I wanted to give it one last go. In order to survive for the comrades I had let die. That’s why I left Orion, and left Hayashi. I felt bad for Hayashi, and the people in Orion who had been so good to me, but it was all I could do.

The next morning, when we gathered at the north gate, there was Maron the warrior, Ryuki the hunter, Ohjika the other hunter, Ponkichi the thief, Jin’e the ex-paladin, and me, for a total of six people. The party leader wasn’t Maron, but Jin’e, who was thirty-three, or something like that, and the oldest in the group. Ryuki and Ohjika were thin, and both carried these large bows. They looked like brothers. Ponkichi was rather short, and looked quick, like you would expect from a thief.

Though Jin’e was the leader, Maron was our guide. We left Alterna and headed north. If we continued in that direction, we would enter a forest. Once we were out of the woods, there was Deadhead Watching Keep, where the orcs had stationed a force to keep an eye on any movements by the humans. Maron diverted around both the forest and Deadhead Watching Keep, instead choosing a route through the Quickwind Plains. It was roughly twelve kilometers away. We weren’t moving at that quick of a pace, so it took a little under four hours.

“Ryuki, Ohjika.”

Jin’e gestured with his chin, and the two hunters moved up to the front, while Maron moved back, taking a position next to me. Suddenly, Maron got very talkative.

“Are you curious about how Jin’e’s an ex-paladin? You are, right?”

“Well, yes.”

It was true that an ex-paladin was an oddity. It wasn’t that uncommon for a volunteer soldier to leave one guild and then join another. However, in that case, they referred to themselves as an ex-paladin warrior, a warrior who was once a paladin, or something like that. Jin’e, at first glance, was a paladin. Though his cape was black, he wore whitish armor, and his helm was white, too. However, there was nothing but scratch marks where the hexagram on the chest had once been. He had likely scraped it off. He said he was thirty-three, but there were streaks of white in the long hair that he had lazily combed back, and the white hairs in his beard stood out, too. He kind of looked closer to forty.

“You see, Merry, paladins can use light magic like priests can. But there’s a difference in the light magic each can use. You’re a priest, so I’m sure you know, but—”

“Paladins can’t heal their own wounds.”

“Yeah, that. But the thing is, there’s this spell called Crime. It’s a last resort of sorts, I guess you could say. It’s an incredible spell that heals all of the paladin’s wounds instantly. Like Sacrament, only self-targeted.”

“The price is losing the blessing of Lumiaris, though,” Jin’e interjected, “I used it once. I just didn’t want to die.”

“So, he was out of a job,” Maron said with a smirk and a shrug.

“Any paladin who uses Crime is automatically expelled from the paladins’ guild. But you can only stay in the guild if you’re alive to begin with. He managed to survive, so it was time for a change. To be a warrior, or something else. That’s what I’d have done, at least. But Jin’e’s different. Since then, he hasn’t been in any guild. So, that’s why he’s an ex-paladin.”

“I’m past the point where I want to beg anyone for lessons. That’s all,” Jin’e said with a self-mocking laugh, but there was a look about him like he had lost something precious, and bore wounds that would never heal there.

Still, the man lived on. More than that, he made no attempt to hide his wounds. He lived with them exposed.

Would I be able to live with my wounds like that? I wasn’t confident. But I definitely wanted to.

Wounds hurt, and they’re unsightly. If I can cover them up, I want to. I want to erase them. If possible, I want to make it so they never existed.

But apparently that wasn’t how I really felt about it.

Scabs form over wounds, peel away, and the scars gradually fade. The pain lessens with time, too. I don’t need that. I’m fine with the pain.

That’s probably what I was thinking.

With the hunters leading the way to help us avoid dangerous beasts and routes, we walked until late in the afternoon before reaching the place.

It was a valley. A dry gulch, you might have called it. There was no stream flowing through it. The valley formed a cross shape, facing to the northeast. The southeast, southwest, and northwest were sheer cliffs that we could not descend, but the northeast was a gentle slope, so it seemed like we could get down to the bottom of the valley there.

No, it didn’t just seem like it, we definitely could. Through there was the only way down to the bottom.

It was a rather deep valley, and quite dark at the bottom.

Even from the lip of the valley, I could somewhat make out the forms writhing down there.

“...Servants of the No-Life King.”

“You got it.” Maron clapped his hands happily. “This is just my educated guess, but zombies and skeletons must hate the daylight. That’s why they’re generally roaming around at night. So, when morning comes, they try to rest in a dark place. That just happened to be here—is what I’m thinking it might be. Only bushes grow in this area, and there’s no tall hills, let alone a mountain. This is the only place around here with a lot of darkness, so this was the natural outcome. That is, this is the only place I know of, but I’m sure there’s others just like it.”

“...What will we do? If we go down—”

“It’ll be dangerous, yeah. Of course. If they all rush us, that’s risky. That’s why we choose an appropriate target, and pull them up. So, Ryuki and I act as the baiters. The other four lie in wait wherever. Then, once we pull them in, everyone takes them out. Well, it’s probably easier to just show you, Merry. Everyone but you has some experience with this, so you don’t have to worry. Just watch for now. It’s already late, so we’ll just do it once for today.”

Jin’e, Ohjika, Ponkichi and I set up northeast of the valley, and Maron and Ryuki nimbly made their way down the slope.

We stayed put. No one, myself included, spoke. Maron was chatty, but the others weren’t so talkative. That helped. I had talked a lot with Michiki and the others. Everyone had loved to chat, and I had been no exception. But that wasn’t because I was naturally talkative; rather, I had just jived with the group, and it was fun. Now, I could remain silent for hours. Not talking didn’t pain me in the slightest. In fact, if there was no need to speak, I kept my mouth shut.

Some time passed before Maron and Ryuki ran back towards us. There was something chasing after the two of them. Was it human? It seemed awfully small. Also, it was unsteady on its feet, its body tilting to one side.

“That’s a zombie, all right,” Ponkichi whispered, letting out a creepy little laugh. The little man didn’t just have a slovenly, ill-mannered look on his face, his equipment and gestures were lowly, too. “It’s a runt, so maybe it was a dwarf. That, or a human or elf kid.”

“You’re a runt, too,” Ohjika said, poking at Ponkichi. Ohjika, who resembled Ryuki, gave off an impression of cleanliness so long as he kept his mouth shut, but the moment he opened it to say something, his meanness showed through.

“Prepare,” Jin’e said shortly, and Ponkichi and Ohjika readied their weapons.

Still, it was strange. Why had I never thought about it before now?

Zombies.

The soulless, heartless remnants of the dead that moved under the No-Life King’s curse.

Michiki. Ogu. Mutsumi. My comrades had lost their lives in the Cyrene Mines.

Hayashi and I hadn’t made it out easily. We had been a dazed and confused mess, desperately struggling, so I didn’t clearly remember, but I was sure it had taken us a while to get out of the mines. More than a full day. Even after we returned to Alterna, we were in no shape to think properly.

We wanted to give them a proper burial, of course. To bring back the bodies, cremate them, and build a grave on the hill. But as much as we wanted to, as much as we had to, it was already too late. Hayashi and me returning to the mines to search for the three of them? That was totally impossible. The three of them had been taken out by the infamous Death Spots. It would be highly risky to hunt for the bodies. Besides, as a priest, I was aware of the terrifying curse that could activate in just three days after their deaths. Even if we solicited help from others, we wouldn’t make it in time.

I dreamed about it repeatedly. Michiki, Ogu, and Mutsumi, standing before me as moving corpses. The three were dead, so we could no longer talk. But I could hear them. Why did you abandon us? Why did you run away? they would ask me. I had no answers. I could only keep apologizing. Finally, the three would attack.

Each time I had the dream, I felt like I was tainting the pride of my fallen comrades, and I couldn’t forgive myself. If they resented me, hated me for it, I could hardly blame them. But the three I knew would never have blamed me, even if it was my fault. And yet, when I saw them in my dreams, they criticized me. I was unfairly degrading them. If I wanted to punish myself, I should have been the one to do it. Despite that, I made them shoulder the burden.

I wasn’t fair.

I was mean, and despicable.

The left leg of the zombie chasing Maron and Ryuki was, on closer inspection, close to being torn off. It had a wound on its lower back that looked like it went all the way to the spine. That was why it could only shamble like that.

Whether the zombie had been human or some other race, it was probably the same as Michiki, Ogu, and Mutsumi. It met an unwanted fate, and, left unburied, it was transformed into a servant of the No-Life King.

Michiki and the rest might be wandering the Cyrene Mines like that.

I couldn’t stand to look at the zombie, so I turned away. My vision was spinning. My heart ached. My ears were ringing.

“Do it,” Jin’e gave the order.

I didn’t move a step. I couldn’t even stand to watch the scene unfold.

The men’s voices echoed, along with other noises. They weren’t so much cutting it down as pulverizing it.

“Easy peasy,” Maron laughed.

“Must’ve chosen a good target,” Ryuki said.

The other men agreed.

I was looking down. I didn’t crouch. I was still standing somehow.

“Merry?”

The voice calling my name came from so close it caught me by surprise. I practically jumped back as I looked up. It was Maron. “What?” I tried to say. My voice failed me, though, so I nodded.

“What’s wrong? You okay?”

“...Yes.” I forced the word out, adding, “It’s nothing.”

“Yeah? Well, okay then.” Maron backed off easily. Had I managed to hide it? I wasn’t sure.

The zombie had apparently been a dwarf, because it had several items made from mithril, a metal only the dwarves could mine and work. One of them was a ring, and Maron passed it to me.

“Here, I’ll give this one to you, Merry. —That’s all right, yeah, Jin’e?”

“Do as you please.”

“Everyone else fine with that, too? I’m not hearing any objections. So, there you go. Take it. Call it a present for joining the Free Union. I hear mithril rings ward against demons.”

I put the ring into my pouch without really looking at it. I didn’t particularly want it. I didn’t need it, but Maron was sure to make a fuss if I refused. He was a pain to deal with. That’s why I decided to quietly accept it.

Why had I joined the Free Union and come to this Zombie Valley anyway? Essentially, I did it for the money. To earn. I could surely sell the mithril ring for a good price. If he said he was giving it to me, I’d take it. I didn’t need to be grateful, though. If I thought of it as a debt, I would have to repay it in some form. That was probably dangerous. They might take advantage of me.

We set up camp in a spot that was about an hour away from Zombie Valley. Maron and the rest only had one tent, and just as I was wondering what I was going to do, they said I should sleep in the tent by myself. The men would rough it. They would take turns on watch, too, so I was free to sleep until morning.

“You don’t need to give me special treatment...”

“You are special,” Maron said jokingly, “I mean, you’re the only girl here. We’ve gotta treat you special. I couldn’t ever treat you like one of the guys.”

“Do you want to sleep next to me?” Jin’e said with a thin, mocking laugh, “Can you get naked and change in front of us? Or take a piss? If not, we have no choice but to treat you special. That’s a given. You should just accept it.”

The blunt way he put it actually made it easier. I accepted it, and decided to use the tent alone. Still, even after I forced down the trail rations I had brought with me and laid down, I couldn’t get to sleep.

The thin fabric of the tent was all that separated me from five men I didn’t really know. This was the Quickwind Plains, too. Far from Alterna. If I thought about it, this situation was clearly dangerous.

That meant I hadn’t been thinking about it. I just tagged along without a care. I’d been an idiot. A complete and utter fool.

Maybe my guard had been down because Michiki, Ogu, and Hayashi weren’t the kind of men who would ever do something like that. I had honestly never had that sort of terrible experience, and I’d never been frightened of it. At least, not in Grimgar.

I couldn’t be sure about before. I didn’t remember it, after all. But maybe it wasn’t true that I had never experienced it.

Was I like a moth, drawn to the flame? Had I walked into a trap?

Once I began trembling in fear, it wouldn’t stop. They were building a campfire outside. I could tell there was light outside the tent, but I couldn’t see their shadows. Still, I sensed their presence. If I listened, I could hear their voices. Ryuki and Ohjika were the ones who were awake, huh? They were bantering about some nonsense and laughing. Were Maron, Jin’e, and Ponkichi asleep? Ryuki and Ohjika seemed like, if they were together, they could do anything, no matter how terrible. That was only my imagination, of course. I might have been off-base, and if I was, I was being far more horrible than they were. It was a fact that I was a terrible, selfish person, though.

Still, Ryuki and Ohjika weren’t the type to take charge. I felt like, rather than think or act for themselves, they were more likely to be in on someone else’s plot.

I didn’t know Ponkichi that well. Though, the other four clearly looked down on him. Yet Ponkichi seemed not to mind. He enjoyed being teased, and even showed signs of feeling at ease at the bottom of the hierarchy.

Jin’e. What about him? Even after losing the protection of Lumiaris, he had maintained his integrity and continued on as an ex-paladin. He looked and acted rough, but he might have been fairly honorable. He wasn’t actually a bad guy. That was the feeling I got.

Really, it was Maron who seemed suspicious. He’d been the one to call out to me, after all. I mean, what kind of name was Maron? Even his name was suspicious. That relaxed attitude. That glibness. So far, he hadn’t done anything weird to me. He’d been kind. That was suspicious, too.

Taking care not to make any noise, I pulled out the mithril ring. Was this proof of his ulterior motives? If so, it was too blatant. Did he really think he could get my attention with something he stole off a zombie?

He had said it warded against demons. Did that apply to dream demons, too? If I wore it to sleep, would I be spared the nightmares?

This was ridiculous. Trying to escape from nightmares after I let my comrades die. Shouldn’t I have been grateful that Michiki, Ogu, and Mutsumi appeared in my dreams at all? Normally, I shouldn’t have been able to see them even there. Because I had no right to show them my face.

Maybe I deserve to be roughed up a little. If Maron’s planning something, fine. He can do what he wants. I don’t care what happens to me.

If I had said something like that, Michiki would have gotten angry. Ogu would have been sad. Mutsumi would have gently reprimanded me.

Scold me.

Say, “Merry, what are you doing? Don’t be so careless, get your act together!”

Please...

I might have drifted off for a bit. No, not a bit, it was probably an hour or two. I didn’t dream. At some point, I had clutched the mithril ring. I didn’t want to think this ring was what spared me the nightmares. I’d gone without sleep for so long that I didn’t feel rested. My head felt heavy. I was nauseous. Everything felt unpleasant.

I tried to sit up. I wanted to get out of the tent and get some fresh air. At that moment, the door to the tent moved just a little. I called it a door, but it was just a flap of cloth with some clasps on the inside of the tent that allowed it to be kept shut. It wasn’t like a door with a key. If you stuck a finger through the seam, it would open easily, and you could cut the strings from outside, too.

Someone had stuck a hand through the seam, and they were looking inside through the gap. At me.

I reflexively pretended to be asleep. Was that good? Shouldn’t I have gotten up, and asked them what they thought they were doing?

Whoever it was pulled their hand back. They moved away from the tent. It seemed they’d gone to sit by the fire.

“...How was she?”

“She’s sleeping. What do you plan to do with that woman?”

Maron and Jin’e. Apparently Jin’e was the one who peeked into the tent.

“I dunno. Hmm. I think she’s hurting right now. If I can win her over, I want to. See, I prefer it be consensual, rather than rape, you know?

“Like I care about your preferences.”

“But, man, doing it by force? That can be nice sometimes, too, sure. We did it with the last one.”

“That wasn’t a bad time.”

“You’re a simple brute. I bet you can’t get into it if you aren’t forcing them, right? I mean, you love passing them around, don’t you?”

“I don’t know how anyone can stand to be kind to women.”

“Whaaa? Really? It’s nice. Having a lovey-dovey good time with a cute girl. Merry’s a real beauty, too. It’d be fun flirting with her. For sure. It’d be fun.”

“Why waste so much time just to be able to do a girl?”

“There’s a solid return on the time invested, that’s why. I mean, you just have no emotion, huh, Jin’e!”

“If I’ve tasted a woman once, I’ve had enough.”

“Well, I can understand getting tired of them. In that sense, it’s easier when it doesn’t leave a bad aftertaste.”

“That woman will never go for you.”

“You think...?”

“I still have an eye for these things. Not that I need it.”

“Oh, yeah? For all your lack of interest, you’re sharp about this stuff. Is it the difference in life experience? Hmm. So, I can’t win her over, huh? Then you want to just do her now?”

Maron said that like it was nothing, but I thought I might suffocate. Bad. That’s what this was. No, it was beyond bad. It wasn’t just Maron. Jin’e, too. Pretty honorable? Not a bad guy? Hah. From what I’d just heard, he was a serial rapist. Even Maron, who’d apparently been trying to seduce me, was more humane than that. Not that I even remotely wanted to call him “humane.”

This is no good. They’re going to get me. I’m going to be assaulted. What can I do?

If I stay in here, I’m trapped like a rat.

That’s right. I shouldn’t stay in the tent. I have to run. I’ve made up my mind. I’m getting out of here.

Breathing only through my nose, my mind raced. Only the two of them were up. Maron and Jin’e. Two men. If I recalled, after starting the fire, they had taken off their armor. It was going to be hard to shake them if I ran. But, even if I caught them by surprise, how would that go? These weren’t common people. They were volunteer soldiers. They had stamina. I didn’t want to get into a race with them.

The start was going to be essential. I needed to put distance between us with a good starting dash, and make them give up. This was the Quickwind Plains, and it was late at night, too. They wouldn’t pursue me too far.

I had a plan. I was going to give up on my stuff. It’d only get in the way. I’d only take the money.

Maron and Jin’e hadn’t moved yet. I could act first.

I pressed on my chest, as if trying to force my heart, which wanted to escape out my mouth, back into place. This was no time to hesitate. I undid the clasps with shaking fingers. It was silent outside the tent.

I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared. Of what? How is this scary compared to that time?

This was nothing compared to then. Death Spots. He was a million times stronger than them.

I got out of the tent.

Maron and Jin’e were sitting opposite one another by the campfire. They both looked towards me in unison.

Ryuki, Ohjika, and Ponkichi were lying a little ways away. Asleep, like I had thought.

For a moment, Maron’s eyes went wide, then, “...Huh?” He put on a smile. “What’s wrong, Merry? Did you wake up?”

Jin’e gazed at me with eyes that seemed glazed, yet at the same time harbored a dangerously dull light. This man was more cautious than Maron. He likely suspected their conversation had been overheard.

“Kind of...”

That was all I said before lowering my eyes and approaching the fire. Was this going to work? I had to do it. “I’m exhausted,” I added, sighing. I must have looked it. Even I could manage this sort of acting.

I made a point of not looking either Maron or Jin’e in the eye. If they saw my eyes, Jin’e especially, they might see through me. That’s why, with my eyes down, I went over close to the fire—to sit down next to Maron and Jin’e.

Obviously, I wasn’t actually going to sit. First, I kicked Jin’e in the face as hard as I could with the bottom of my boot. Without missing a beat, I planted a roundhouse kick in Maron’s flank.

Then I took off running. Just trying to get away from the fire. The direction didn’t matter one bit. Maron and Jin’e were shouting something. That didn’t matter, either. I didn’t turn back. I focused on running as fast as I could. Even as my throat and lungs burned, even as my stomach ached, my legs never wobbled.

“Merry, you’re always so extreme,” Mutsumi once told me, “No matter what you do, you never take half measures. That’s a strong point, but also a weak one...”

How did I respond when she pointed that out?

“Am I? I don’t think so.” I believe that’s what I said.

But, given it was Mutsumi who said it, Mutsumi who observed people closely, and was so thoughtful, I think she was right.

I was an extreme person who hated half measures. Just enough? Approximately right? I couldn’t ever do things like that. It was zero or one for me. No, more like zero or one hundred. Everything was completely right, or totally wrong. I loved something, or I hated it. There was nothing that was in between for me.

“It’s not good to be too fastidious.” That’s another thing Mutsumi once said to me. “It can be harder on you than anyone.”

“I’m not really fastidious at all,” I responded.

That wasn’t what I was.

I was simply stubborn and inflexible. That’s why I couldn’t bend.

When I was out of breath, my body hurt all over, and I couldn’t move another step, finally, my legs stopped.

No one would come after me. I was alone. I felt like I would be devoured by the massive starry sky. It hurt even just to stand. I sat down on the ground. For now, I needed to catch my breath. As I was desperately trying to do so, a beast howled somewhere in the distance. I jumped a little, and my breath froze. It’s okay, I thought. The voice was far away. But there was another howl. This time, it felt closer than before. I looked around the area. I couldn’t see anything. No matter how many stars there were, it was still dark. Too dark. If only there were a moon. I had never longed for the red moon more than I did now.

Should I move? Should I stay here? I couldn’t decide. I was a priest. Not a hunter. There was no way I would know.

The beast howled. This time, it was clearly closer. Not right beside me, but definitely quite close.

This is no good.

I can’t stay here. I’ll be eaten by wild animals. I don’t want that. I don’t want to die like that.

I stood up.

But which way should I go...?

The beast howled. I decided to move away from that howling. Should I avoid making footsteps? Should I keep quiet? Was it all the same to the beast? It could probably find me by scent. Was there no escape then?

I might have been cornered. The beast had already identified me as prey, and started the hunt.

Help.

It was no good.

Nobody was going to help me. There was no one here. I was alone.

Finally, it painfully sank in.

I’m all alone.