Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 14.2 - Chapter 2.01

1. What I Want to Ask

What was I doing again?

Oh, right. I was crying.

I’d learned that no matter how many tears I shed, I would never run out.

I never wanted to know, but I was forced to learn.

Tears don’t run dry.

But the more I cried, the more I felt something slipping out from my body. Did I really have anything left to lose? It didn’t feel like it. But apparently I was wrong about that. With every day, I lost more.

Every hour, every minute, every second, I lost something.

“Merry... Merry.”

A voice called my name. Who would be calling me? I knew. I sat up in bed and looked vaguely towards Hayashi who was standing by the door. I tried to respond, but the words didn’t come. Hayashi, who had stayed quiet for a while, opened his mouth.

“Hey, Merry. You know you can’t just stay like this.”

I’d have felt bad not giving Hayashi a response. That was the only reason I nodded.

Hayashi let out a little sigh of relief. “The thing is...” he started to say, “There’s this clan called Orion. They’re led by a guy named Shinohara. He’s heard about our situation, and he’s extending an invitation. He asked me if we want to join them.”

“...Me, too?”

“Well, duh. Of course you’re coming, too.”

How was I supposed to respond at a time like this? What would the old me have done?

Michiki. Ogu. Mutsumi. Back when those three were still alive. The me who had not yet failed in her duties as a priest by letting them die. I practically killed them. My precious comrades. No matter what happened, as the priest, I was going to protect my comrades. That was my intention. But intentions aren’t enough. I had to protect them to the end. I thought I could. That may have been conceited of me. No, not may have been. It was.

The fact was, I couldn’t.

I was wrong. The results spoke to that. I could only acknowledge them. I had to acknowledge it. I let my comrades die. I was a priest who couldn’t protect her comrades’ lives. That’s no priest. That’s garbage. Not even worthy of existing. Despite that, I had the gall to keep drawing breath. I survived.

I wished I had died. I should have at least died with them.

Hey, Hayashi. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t think I can anyway. But when I look at your face, there’s one thing, just one thing that I desperately want to ask you.

Why?

Why did you drag me with you when you escaped that time?

If he wanted to run, he could have done it alone. I didn’t want to run. I never had any intention of leaving my comrades. That wasn’t how I did things. I wouldn’t have done that. Ogu went down first. Then Mutsumi. When that happened, I thought, It’s hopeless. We can’t possibly win. I doubt any of us will survive. We’re going to die here.

I’ll die with everyone.

I never thought one bit about running.

“Go, run!”

Michiki said that to us. That much was a fact. Maybe Michiki did want us to survive if only we could. But what about my feelings? Did I say a word about wanting to survive? Did he think I would have wanted this?

Hey, Hayashi. Why did you do it?

Why wouldn’t you let me die with Michiki and the rest?

“Orion...” I hung my head, simply answering, “Okay.”

It wasn’t Hayashi’s fault. Hayashi wasn’t wrong. If I were Hayashi, I’m sure I would have done the same. That’s why I wouldn’t ask him that. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to touch the wound. —The wound? No. This was nothing so small that I could call it a wound. I’d had my arms and legs ripped off, and the skin torn from my entire body. The pain would not fade. The scars left were indelible.

Everything had changed from when the other three were still alive.

We couldn’t go back. There was no going back.

Hayashi didn’t move away from the door. He might have been trying to say something to me. Might have been trying to comfort me. Might have been trying to cheer me up. Maybe I should have told Hayashi that none of it would help. But, if I did that, it would hurt him. Hayashi had lost his comrades, too. He had to be beside himself with grief. I didn’t want to torment him any further. In truth, I should have been the one cheering up Hayashi. If it were possible, I wanted to do it. But I couldn’t. Couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t imagine myself having the right to do anything. The only thing I could do was continue to sit there with my mouth shut.