BELL CRANELL RANKING: EVENTS OF A HALF YEAR
“Eina, Eina! Take a look at this! They just released this week’s adventurer rankings!”
It was at Guild HQ, a little after noon. Eina had just returned to her desk after grabbing a quick bite to eat when Misha Frot came running over as happy as a kid who’d just been given their favorite candy, holding a sheet of parchment in her frenzied grip.
“You really like those, don’t you?” said Eina with an awkward smile. “You always did, even back at the School District.”
“Because they’re fun!” replied Misha with glee. “Isn’t it great seeing who all the popular adventurers are and seeing if your favorite has gone up or down?”
In contrast to her childhood friend’s playful happiness, Eina’s cynicism only deepened.
The “adventurer rankings” was the name given to a chart of top adventurers curated by the gods primarily for their own entertainment. There was a column based purely on strength, of course, but also categories such as “Best Mage,” “Best Melee Fighter,” and even more idiosyncratic rankings like “Cutest Elf,” “Beautiful Animal-Person,” “Badass Dwarf,” and “Amazon I’d Kneel To.” How they graded adventurers in these categories was anyone’s guess. Apparently, it was a proprietary method that reflected not only how these adventurers were seen by their peers but by the gods and the ordinary people of Orario, too.
The Guild wasn’t involved in the process at all, but they received unsolicited copies of the results nonetheless. Many of the receptionists loved them and would stick them surreptitiously on the back of the quest bulletin board.
I can’t make fun of it too much, though. At the Guild, we often work with facts and figures and generally ignore matters of public opinion. But when I look at, say, their Rookie Rankings, how do I say this? I kind of see where they’re coming from sometimes.
The value of these rankings as another, separate data point in the Guild’s considerations was not to be underestimated. Plus, as Misha said, it was fun seeing where her favorite adventurers fell—in Eina’s case, that meant the ones she oversaw.
Besides, it was easier to command the tides to turn than to persuade the gods to abandon their precious entertainment, and the Guild had long since given up on making them stop.
Incidentally, despite meeting the criteria, Bell had been declared “not fair” by the gods and was excluded from the normal “Rookie Rankings” as a result. Eina couldn’t exactly blame them, though, since he would steal the top spot every single time otherwise.
“Look at this!” Misha squealed. “Your little brother is in all these rankings! Doesn’t that make you happy?”
“It does, but…Look, these things are basically just a popularity contest. Bell’s still riding the wave of recognition he got from winning the War Game.”
Bell had earned both fame and infamy from his recent exploits, including a record-breaking ascension, not only one but two War Games, rumors of his involvement in the events of the Pleasure District, his fall from grace during the Xenos incident, and the subsequent comeback. Stories spread like wildfire, earning Bell no shortage of wild labels and fantastical exaggerations.
To someone like Eina, who had known Bell since his humble beginnings, it often felt like people had very different perceptions, kind of like what the gods called “headcanons.” Bell wouldn’t do that! she often thought. And besides, don’t forget he’s still just a fourteen-year-old boy. I can see him making the “Cutest” ranking, but “Hottest”? He’s too young! Shut up, tourists! You just don’t get him like I do!
Those were the sorts of runaway thoughts she often had.
So much has happened, and he’s become so popular. So much so that I can’t hide him anymore, even if I wanted to.
Was it the price of his sudden fame? Or was this just the fate that awaited all adventurers who rose to prominence?
On one hand, Eina was happy that more and more people were learning about the Bell she loved, but a part of her was saddened that he wasn’t just hers anymore. She knew it was petty, but she couldn’t help it.
“But look at this!” said Misha. “As always, he’s an unbeatable first in the ‘Best Future’ list, and he’s jumped from seventh place to sixth in the ‘Someone (Male) I Want to Call Me Big Sis’ ranking! He’s dropped a bit in the ‘Marry Now and Be Set for Life’ charts…I guess that’s because people are saying he racked up a bunch of debts in the War Game? They say that his payout isn’t even going to put a dent in the two hundred million he owes!”
“Misha, are you even listening to me?”
Eina sighed. Her colleague clearly didn’t appreciate any of Eina’s worries, cheerfully dropping half of the large pile of ranking sheets on her desk while offering her personal commentary.
Well, I can’t deny I wouldn’t be entirely unreceptive to being called “Big Sis,” thought Eina. You know, if the situation called for it…She quietly cleared her throat and turned her attention to the stack of leaflets she’d just been given.
Eina’s face twitched as she read through the categories. “Ideal Adventuring Partner,” “Most Likeable Front-Liner,” “Strong Street Cred,” “Cutie I’d Stick Animal Ears On,” “Upper-Class Adventurer Who’d Look Best in a Dress,” “An Aoharu Boy Who’d Cover Me with His Umbrella Even If He Got Rain on Himself,” and so the list went on.
What’s more, the first half seemed orthodox enough, but Eina struggled to see how some of the later ones made the cut. Especially that last category. Eina half-suspected a certain someone from the School District had a hand in that one.
“Oh wow! Your boy came ninth in the hotly contested ‘Adventurers I’d Like to be Friends With’ for women!!”
“WH-WHAAAAAAAAT?!”
In some ways the most straightforward category of the bunch, its announcement nonetheless sent Eina reeling.
“I guess that’s what happens when you become a Level Five! The world sees you totally differently! You’d better watch out, Eina, or someone might snatch him away!”
But Eina was in no state of mind to even notice Misha’s teasing. Completely lost for words, she looked down at the parchment in despair.
“Who writes this junk anyway…?” she muttered.
Q. Which adventurer do you think is cute?
“Hey now, what’s the big idea? I don’t know who you think you are, but don’t you know who I am? I’m Hestia, the head of Hestia Familia and Bell’s goddess! It’s obviously gotta be him!!!”
“Hestia, are you chatting on the job again? You’re supposed to be working! Those Jyaga Maru Kun aren’t going to serve themselves! Now hop to it!”
“Erk! I-I’m sorry, ma’am! I’ll do it, I’ll do it. Just please don’t dock my pay!!”
“Can’t take my eyes off her for a second, that girl…Hmm? Which adventurer do I think is cute?”
“See, ma’am, I wasn’t just chatting—it’s a survey! Who do you think? You’re obviously gonna agree with me, right?”
“There’s only one choice for me, and it’s that boy Finn!!”
“You TRAITOOOOOOOR!! How could you, ma’am?! You’re supposed to say Bell! And I didn’t know you were a fan of Finn!!”
“Of course I am! He’s so small, but he’s made a real name for himself! Just look at how cool and cute he is, not to mention tough! It’s got to be Finn!”
“Grh! Curse you, Braver. You’re too powerful! Isn’t there any category my Bell can beat him at?! He’s the polar opposite of our sneaky prum supporter girl! But you’re wrong, ma’am! My children are way cuter than Loki’s!!”
Result of “Cutest Male Adventurer” poll — Bell Cranell: 17th place.
Q. Which adventurer would you like to receive head pats from?
“Huh? Sorry, who are you? Lilly doesn’t remember seeing you around…Oh, you’re not an adventurer, you say? You’re a volunteer from out of town? I guess that explains why I don’t recognize you. In any case, to answer your question, Lilly hates any adventurer who isn’t Bell, so there’s your answer…Just to confirm, this is an anonymous poll, correct?”
A. Yes. I promise.
“R-really…In that case, I can tell you without a doubt that Bell is the one I want! To feel his warm fingers gently combing through my hair, causing my worries to melt away into nothing and…!”
“Who are you talking to, Li’l E? You sound like a squirrel in heat. We got stuff to buy, remember?”
“Gyaaaaaaagh?! M-Mr. Welf?! No, you don’t understand! I-I was just asked to come up with my ideal person on the spot! Th-that’s what this is!!”
“What are you talking about? …Hmm? A survey? Heh, sounds fun. All right. Put this in one of your categories and watch. I bet my partner’ll shoot right to the top.”
“H-hold on, Mr. Welf. Are you sure? I know Bell’s hot around town right now, but there’s a lot to compete with to make it all the way to the top!”
“Don’t worry. I got a good feeling about this one. It’s called, ‘Adventurer I’d Most Like to Forge a Weapon For.’”
“…!! You mean it’s a category only blacksmiths can vote in?!”
“Yeah. Who wouldn’t want to craft a weapon for Bell? He’s growing so fast that even his personal blacksmith feels left behind, but that’s also why it’s so rewarding. I want to entrust him with better and better creations, and I’m sure all the other smiths feel the same way. Heh, so long as I’ve got my contract, though, none of ’em’ll ever—”
“Ugh! Cut it out already! I can’t stand listening to you go on and on about your special relationship like a proud girlfriend!”
“Girlfriend?! I’m a guy, dammit!! Don’t be ridiculous!”
“You started it!!”
Result of “Adventurer I’d Most Like to Receive Head Pats From” poll — Bell Cranell: 41st place.
Result of “Adventurer I’d Most Like to Forge a Weapon For” poll (Blacksmiths only) — Bell Cranell: 8th place.
Q. Which adventurer would you most like to pin you against a wall?
“Oh?! Y-you mean…that forbidden technique of which the gods speak?! Where a gentleman hits the wall with his hand and your face comes so close to his lips and collarbones that you’re almost touching?!”
“Calm yourself, Lady Haruhime! Your face and your ears have gone bright red! Another five seconds, and you’ll pass out!!”
“I-I apologize, Ms. Mikoto! I must take deep breaths and restore my composure! Hee, hee, hoo! Hee, hee, hoo!”
Isn’t that for giving birth…?
“B-but to be trapped in Master Bell’s arms! Simply by lifting my chin, he can take all he desires and press me up against the wall, our bodies becoming one…!”
Nobody mentioned Bell except you, Ms. Haruhime! And as always, her imagination is so scandalous I don’t know where to begin. What should I do, Lord Takemikazuchi…?
“…E-excuse me, surveyor? Would it be okay if, instead of the wall maneuver, I suggested an alternate category…?”
A. Go ahead.
“I-in that case, I’m not entirely opposed to the wall-pinning, but I couldn’t help thinking…And it is really a foolish thought…But what about a floor-pin…? Would that not suit Master Bell better…?”
“That’s basically lovemaking at that point, Lady Haruhime!!”
“L-lovemaking?! With Bell?! Ohh…”
“Oh no! I couldn’t help blurting that! And now Haruhime’s out cold! Stay with me, Lady Haruhime!!”
Result of “Adventurer I’d Most Like to Be Pinned Against a Wall By” poll — Bell Cranell: Did Not Rank.
Q. Please name up to three adventurers you feel are unliked.
“Ain’t that a dumbass question!”
“1. Bell Cranell! 2. Bell Cranell! 3. Bell Cranell!”
“Either that or 1. Bell Cranell! 2. Bete Loga! 3. Allen Fromel!!”
“Hey, shut your mouths, dumbasses! If Vanargand or Vana Freya hear us badmouthin’ them, they’ll skin our hides!”
“A-anyway, that human’s the worst of the bunch! We been trying to level up for god knows how long, and he comes along and shows up the lot of us!”
“Now everyone and their mother calls us dumbasses for bein’ stuck at the same level! Who do they think they are?! We try to copy that rabbit asshole, and we’ll be dead within the week!!”
“This girl Florence I’ve been sweet on even has her eyes on the rabbit now! I keep tellin’ her if Freya couldn’t charm him, she ain’t got a chance in hell! She might as well try and slay the Black Dragon!!”
“And just a little while ago everyone was callin’ him ‘Cheatin’ Rookie’…I almost wish he was cheatin’, ’cause it’d make it a whole lot easier to stomach!”
““““So yeah! We hate Bell Cranell! You got somethin’ to say about that?!””””
A. It appears others disagree.
““““Well…that’s understandable!””””
“All the other adventurers are stuck-up pieces of shit who’d spit on ya soon as see they see ya, but he’s a decent guy. Almost too good to be in this job.”
“I dunno what he did to Bors and those guys from Rivira, but they really like him for some reason…”
“That harem bastard’s stealin’ the hearts of every man and woman in the city! …But then again, he did lend me a potion this one time on the middle floors. What a nice guy.”
“And he ain’t just talk, either. That magic spell o’ his is broken, and he runs as fast as shit…”
“I once saw him on the twenty-fifth floor fighting off a pack of iguaçu by himself! With only a knife!”
“““What a weirdo.”””
A. It just sends your heart aflutter to see him doing his best, doesn’t it?
“I don’t know if I’d say that…but it’s like, you look at him and then us, and it’s like, what are we even doin’, you know?”
“I was all makin’ fun of him when that vouivre came into the city, then the next thing I know, he’s facin’ off against this big-ass minotaur, and I’m right there cheerin’ him on like an idiot…”
“It’s like every time I see him he’s gettin’ beat to shit. Like in the War Game or the other War Game…First Pheobus, then Warlord…”
“Yeah…He beat Freya’s crew, huh…”
““““Sigh…””””
“…Think I’m gonna head to the Dungeon after this.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Can’t waste the whole day drinkin’.”
“Don’t wanna see his smug face anymore.”
A. Good luck.
““““Yeah! We won’t let that rabbit show us up!””””
Result of “Most Hated Adventurer” poll — Bell Cranell: 10th place.
Result of “Would Buy a Drink For” poll — Bell Cranell: 9th place.
Q. Which mortal would you most like to recruit or convert to your familia?
“““Bell Cranell!!”””
“It’s not fair!”
“How come that loli-goddess gets to hit the jackpot?!”
“Why did my followers turn him away when he showed up at our door half a year ago?! They’ve got no sense at all! Seriously!!”
“““Not that any of us knew he was going to go this far!!”””
“They’re calling him hero material already. We have no idea what the next twist will be!”
“Maybe none of this would have happened if he hadn’t ended up with Hestia.”
“Could be!”
“It wasn’t wrong to try to pick up girls in a dungeon after all!”
“Cut it out. You sound just like Zeus!”
“Oh, what are you all chatting about?!”
“““M-Mommy Demeter!!”””
Q. Which mortal would you most like to recruit, etc.?
“Hmm, I see. Well, if I don’t have to limit myself to being realistic, I think I’d go for Bell as well. He sometimes visits me with Hestia and Miach to help out in the garden.”
“Yes, yes, Mommy Demeter.”
“He seems like a bit of a Dungeon addict at first, but he actually helps out around town as well.”
“I think it’s more like Hestia drags him into it, isn’t it? Otherwise, he really would spend all his time down there.”
“He’s actually rather good at gardening, you know? Even Persephone was impressed.”
“Maybe he used to work on a farm.”
“An old farm boy? From zero to hero…?!”
“Does that mean his ultimate weapon is a gardening hoe?!”
“Persephone seems to like him…I wonder If we could get the two of them together? Not to steal Bell away from Hestia or anything, but more like a marriage union…?”
“““Th-that’s genius!!!”””
Result of “Mortal I’d Like to Recruit” poll (gods only) — Bell Cranell: 1st place.
…Result of “Mortal I’d Like to Matchmake with One of My Followers” poll — Bell Cranell: 19th place.
Q. Which adventurer are you hoping not to see die?
“Too many to say. Too many to count. Adventurers’ lives are fragile things. I want them all to come back safe. How can you ask me to pick just one?”
A. Apologies.
“No, it’s okay. Just as dying is part of being human, so is the desire to make something special. To classify and compare. To make something stand out among the rest. It’s an excitement we all sorely need in our lives…I’m sure everyone out there has something or someone they want to treat specially.”
A. Do you also have something you want to make special?
“I wonder. Hmm…All I want is to be able to help those dear to me. I wasn’t like this in the past, but now, when I look at all those mementos, I feel like that’s all I have to do. I can remember their dreams and their desires even if nobody else does. It’s a little haughty of me, but that’s what I think.”
A. I think there are many baby chicks out there who think you’re doing a great job.
“Hoh-hoh. Thank you. I’m happy to hear that. So how about it? Shall I sharpen your weapon for you? It must be fate, us meeting like this.”
A. If you insist, please do.
“I guess you saw that boy Bell’s weapon hanging up on the shop front? That’s why most people come in these days. I have to say I never dreamed he’d go so far. Thanks to him, I have no shortage of customers anymore. And I guess I can feel a little proud that I was once the one looking after him.”
A. …
“Hoh-hoh, but what am I doing, talking about dwarven pride to an elf? You must think me a right oaf.”
A. Not at all. I may be an elf, but I have only the greatest respect for dwarves.
“That’s good to hear. Now I’m sorry I couldn’t much help with your rankings. It’s just that I find it difficult to choose just one, you see.”
A. That’s quite all right. It’s very admirable of you, Mr. Dald. Please never change.
“Hoh-hoh. Don’t you worry about that. So long as I draw breath, baby chicks will always be welcome here.”
Result of “Adventurer I Don’t Want to See Die” poll — All of them: 1st place.
This should be enough polls, I think.
I started helping out the gods just out of curiosity, but it got a bit sad by the end there.
Mr. Dald’s mention of making things special really helped me realize something. Rankings are born of our desire to treat things as special, but some of us become unhealthily obsessed with it. Perhaps even that is what the gods find amusing. I wouldn’t know.
I’m a little hesitant to carry out my final survey, but this one is born of my own desire. I cannot stop now. Not if I have already decided what is so special to me. I would be an embarrassment to the elven race.
And so, as dusk light claims the city streets, I turn to my final sheet of parchment and take out the Blood Feather, the quill belonging to my associate, Asfi.
Looking around, I spot a human girl who appears about my age. She seems to have been shopping and is carrying some heavy bags while muttering angrily under her breath.
“Excuse me,” I say, calling out to her. “Would you mind answering a question for the adventurer rankings?”
“…The adventurer rankings?” the girl sneers. “Oh, you mean that stupid rating system with categories like ‘Someone I Want to Call Me Big Sis’?”
For something she supposedly hates, she’s awfully knowledgeable about the categories. Did she do her research?
“Put down ten thousand votes for Rabbit Foot under the category, ‘Rabbit I’d Most Like to Kill With my Mind.’ Please and thank you.”
“There’s no such category,” I say, as the girl turns to leave. “However, I would like to hear your pick for the category ‘White-Haired, Red-Eyed Human Boy Who’d Look Best with a Blond-Haired Elf (14y/o only)’ if you don’t mind…”
“…Hold on a minute!”
The girl suddenly stops in her tracks and turns around.
She looks like a witch’s disciple, with long hair drawn over one eye. She hits me with such a deadly glare that I think I feel my lifespan shortening.
…I think Laurier Swall might just have made the biggest blunder of her career.
“Are you the one they call the Goddess’s Attendant?”
“Former attendant, thank you very much. Because of my own foolish behavior, we lost the War Game, and now she’s gone…”
The girl ends up dragging me away to a roadside café and seating me opposite her, after which she introduces herself as Hörn, otherwise known as Nameless of Freya Familia. Although I spend much of my time outside the city doing tasks for Hermes Familia, I’ve at least heard her name.
I’m a little shocked at what she says, though, and even more shocked when she stands out of her seat and leans across the table toward me.
“Now I’d like to ask you the questions if you don’t mind,” she roars. “What was with that oddly specific category of yours?! It was so restrictive you could only fit one person in it!! Don’t think I don’t see your game!”
“And what game is that?” I ask, holding my head high. “The gods made it quite clear that volunteers are allowed to set any categories they wish. I am simply exercising my perfectly reasonable privileges.”
Lord Hermes himself is involved in putting together the adventurer rankings. I pulled a few strings and managed to get myself onto the survey team. The reason being, of course, to find out how the world feels about my first love, Bell!
“…Even if I accept this ludicrous argument, what reason did you have to make your question so transparently clear?!” Hörn asks me.
“W-well, that’s because if Bell sees the category, he might think of me…and he might remember the promise we made and come to see me!”
“Go see him yourself!! Actually, no. Stay far away from him! But at least don’t parade your obsessions around where everyone can see them!”
“Y-you can’t ask me to just forget about him! Ever since he saved me, my heart hasn’t stopped racing! My head is constantly filled with thoughts of his courageous face and incredible kindness! But I accidentally waited too long, and now it’s too awkward to ask! I don’t know what else to do before I explode!”
“You malfunctioning elf number two!”
“I’m not malfunctioning! And what’s with the two?!”
Hörn speaks with scorn as if she’s personally witnessed my descent from a prim and proper elf into an unbearable sight. She wasn’t even there for most of it! How rude! So what if there’s a grain of truth or three in her complaints?
I quickly counter her by bringing up the noble mission I am currently in the process of.
“I have been investigating the last six months of Bell’s life!” I explain. “I couldn’t possibly meet him without first understanding what he’s done, who he’s had an impact on, and what kind of person he truly is! That’s right. It would be beyond rude!”
“You would-be stalker! There are late bloomers, and then there’s you!”
This is it. The reason I sought the opinions of the people of this city. It was all to trace the events of that boy’s life.
Bell Cranell.
The boy has done more in these six months than I ever could have imagined, and everything I learn only makes me more impressed. He has experienced highs and lows, glories and setbacks, hate, disappointment, and slander, and yet he lets none of it hold him back. His sheer perseverance doesn’t silence the doubters—it encourages them to cheer him on instead. If there is one thing I have learned through my surveys, it is that there is no shortage of his adoring fans in this city.
He walks a path of honor and strife, like so many great heroes who came before him. Through all his wounds, he holds his head up high, and people can’t help but place their hopes in him.
For him to be the one who saved me in the Dungeon that day…
Why, is this not fate?
“Ms. Hörn, Bell is simply the best. He’s kind and gentlemanly, and his ability as a first-tier adventurer hardly requires explanation. His white hair is all fluffy, and his red eyes are like gems. Plus, his embarrassed smile is awfully endearing. Everyone I’ve interviewed today has said the same. Some want him to pet them, others want to him to pin them against the wall or even the floor. Yes, some opinions are a bit out there, but everyone loves and respects him whether they’re adventurers or not. He always tries his best in the Dungeon, but many people also appreciate his other qualities, such as…”
Hörn seems to be like a certain subset of adventurers in that she despises Bell, so I decide this is the moment to launch into my carefully constructed sermon. I wax on and on, barely pausing for breath, with my eyes closed and a big smile on my face. It’s an important part of my “fangirl duties,” as Hermes would put it.
The more I say, the angrier Hörn seems to grow, and it’s not like she was particularly agreeable in the first place. Could it be that my incessant bragging is playing on her nerves?
“But the best part of all,” I continue, “is his carefree smile, which—”
“Don’t make me laugh.”
Hörn interrupts me in a deep, dark voice. The stream of ashen hair that falls down the right half of her face is quivering.
“You don’t need to tell me any of that. I’ve—we’ve been watching that foolish boy for far longer than you can ever know.”
All of a sudden, it’s like she’s a different person. Her hateful gaze causes me to stop speaking.
She inhales and parts her lips.
“Kind and gentlemanly? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. You couldn’t be further from the truth! There isn’t a single praiseworthy thing to say about that rabbit’s actions. He and his chronic indecision were put here on this earth by the forces of evil with the sole purpose of seducing innocent townsfolk and turning them into heart-eyed nitwits like you. And what’s so fluffy about his hair? It makes him look like he’s going gray. And why is it so silky and flawless? Isn’t he supposed to be a man? Why does it spill through your fingers like untouched snow? Disgusting! And his eyes are even worse! It would be better for the world and everyone in it if I were to pluck them out and cloister them away in a secret temple, ensuring that those sinful rubellites never again tempt the hearts of woman and goddess alike! And for your information, that embarrassed smile you find so endearing is nothing but pathetic. The absolute worst part is, when he’s actually on the back foot, he goes crazy and summons untold strength from gods know where. He’s like a rabbit in heat who doesn’t care whether he’s saving boys or girls! Most people say that unexpected personality of his is what makes him so special, but I call it arrogance of the highest order! You won’t catch me getting starry-eyed like his hordes of adoring devotees. They’re all just stupid, vapid idiots as bad as he is! And the gods are even worse because not only do they not think to step in and put a stop to this lunacy, but they actively encourage it with these ridiculous rankings you’re all so obsessed with! I swear, sometimes, it feels like I’m the only sane one in this entire city. What’s so special about him? He’s got no initiative, no compassion for all the broken hearts he leaves in his wake, and all he cares about is his single obsession! I’m sorry, but I just don’t see the appeal! If I wanted to watch a walking disaster, I’d go to the theater! At least then I might get a laugh out of it! Instead, I’m forced to watch and cry as our entire city pins its hopes on a grinning moron! Listen, here’s some friendly advice: Cut your losses and forget about him while you still can. Take it from me. I’ve been in your shoes, and I can tell you that every minute you spend chasing after that scum is a minute wasted. Besides, head pats? Wall pins? Floor pins? Don’t even let him breathe on you unless you want to be utterly tainted physically, mentally, and spiritually! All he’s going to do is turn your mind and body to mush, just like he did to me! I was using my telepathic link, and he was lying in my lap—just lying in my lap! And I thought I was going to faint! So no. Stay away from him! Not for my sake, you understand. Please don’t get the wrong idea. It’s for your own good! For the sake of all good, law-abiding girls in this town! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: He’s no hero. In fact, he’s pure evil! A wicked rabbit formed out of pure lust, created to trick innocent women! He shouldn’t exist! We ought to exterminate him without delay or, at the very least, seal him away where he can do no harm! Yes, that’s it. I’ll have to do it. I’ll have to be the sacrifice! It has to be me! It’s the only way to stop him from churning out any more brokenhearted maidens like us! I have to—oh. Sorry, I got a little distracted there. What I’m trying to say is that this whole city has fallen in love with an illusion! I mean, what kind of mere mortal is immune to the charms of a goddess of beauty! Don’t you see? It’s because he’s a demon of temptation! That’s why he’s impervious to his own tricks! It’s all a trap! His childlike innocence, his infuriating persistence, his self-aggrandizing generosity, his suicidal stubborn streak—all of it! Oh, and as for his ‘carefree smile,’ it’s more like the naive grin of an idiot! Like a rootless flower in a field of snow. All it does is irritate me every time I’m forced to look at it! Do you get it yet? You should stay as far away from that human as you can! In the meantime, I will make sure that one day, you never, ever have to look at him again!”
Breathe!!
Her madness—what Hermes would term “brain rot”—eclipses even mine, and as she speaks on and on without pausing, I begin to feel sick.
C-could this be what the gods were talking about…?
I’m being “gatekept” by an “early fan!”
And what’s more, she’s the most annoying type of all—the type that hates to hear other people badmouthing her favorite but will complain about them herself all day long!
The most terrifying thing of all is that I can see the spark of rationality in her eyes, which means she’s not possessed or anything! This is just how she normally talks! It’s just another day for her! Are these the kinds of paranormal creatures I’ll have to do battle with in order to win over my beloved Bell?!
The setting sun casts long shadows across the witch’s face, but just as I’m breaking into a cold sweat, I hear a voice.
“…M-Ms. Hörn?”
I turn to see a painfully paling young boy. I-it’s Bell!
“Wh-what are you doing here?!” screams Hörn, leaping out of her seat, red-faced.
Bell is shivering in the street. “I-I was just passing by,” he says, his voice quivering. “I heard something about exterminating me and sealing me away so that nobody ever has to look at me again…?”
It seems Bell was just returning from a shopping trip when he overheard the witch’s curse. He’s terrified! I have to do something!
“…Bell! Do you remember who I am?!”
Ignoring the dead-eyed Hörn for the time being, I stand up and call out to him. Bell’s despair-filled, rubellite eyes regain a spark of life, and he turns to me in surprise.
“Ms….Laurier, was it?”
Thunk!
An arrow through my heart! He remembers my name even though we only talked once!
“Yes! Laurier Swall! You rescued me, remember? I can’t thank you enough! S-so…I was wondering…if you remembered what we promised…?”
“Yes, I do…I made it as vague as possible, just like Master told me…Erm, I mean…we said we’d go shopping or something?”
He remembered!! He really is my white rabbit of happiness!
I leap into action right away before my body and my mind have a chance to overheat.
“D-do you want to make good on that promise right now?! Let’s go somewhere else! Right now!”
“Wh-what…?!”
I want to take him as far from the source of his distress as possible. But as soon as I reach out to pull him along by the hand, the light truly leaves Hörn’s eyes. There’s a flash of black, and a steel knife appears in her hands, which she thrusts at Bell!
“Die, you filth!!”
“Waaaah?!”
Bell screams as the knife bears down on him…but it is deflected at the very last moment by my own trusty blade!
““…?!””
“Go on without me, Bell! I’ll take care of her!”
Bell is surprised for a second time when he sees me fighting on his behalf as a crowd of puzzled onlookers gathers around us.
“If I manage to make it out of this one,” I say, “I’ll come find you. Then…we can go shopping together, just like we promised.”
“Ms. Laurier?! Why are you making it sound so tragic?!”
“You! He’s corrupted you with his poison already! I told you to stay away from him…and you refuse to listen!!”
“Ms. Hörn?! Why are you speaking like an evil villain?!”
Meanwhile, I channeled magic power into my trusty blade. Like the lady of the lake in that one legend, with this act, I would finally join the ranks of loyal knights!
“In the name of my chivalric honor, I come now to lay down my life!”
“Stand aside, elf! I can’t kill that human filth with you in the way!!”
“Wh-wh-what’s going ooooon?!”
In streets bathed in the light of the setting sun, I fought on with the voice of my beloved at my back. The fight seemed to last an eternity, and at times, I wasn’t sure whether I would win or lose. Before I knew it, the two of us had thrown down our weapons and begun sparring only with our words—firing off passionate, stirring, and oftentimes bizarre verbal assaults centered around different aspects of Bell’s personality.
Incidentally, our war was still raging long after Lady Hestia came by and took Bell away.
“Eina! They just released this week’s adventurer rankings!”
It was a bright and sunny day, and Misha’s cheery voice could be heard all over Guild HQ. Just like the week before, she dropped a pile of parchment sheets onto Eina’s desk.
Here’s another bunch of strange categories, Eina thought, noticing that her own pupil had made the cut in a surprising amount of them to varying degrees of success.
But it was one item at the very end of the list that caught her eye.
Result of “Love Them to Death” poll — Bell Cranell: Off the Charts.
“Seriously, who writes this junk anyway…?”
Eina stared glassy-eyed out the window, suddenly realizing how much turmoil the boy could cause at the drop of a hat.
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