Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 6 - Chapter 1.6

6

After skillfully cleaning and gutting the mysterious three-eyed eel and grilling it over the fire with a pinch of salt, Viper gives me a curious glance.

“So, Mr. Six, what shall we talk about?”

“Um, I’m just going to stop trying to impress you with my experience. Well done, Vi, you’re a full-fledged member of Kisaragi.”

“Th-thank you…?”

Viper thanks me even as her expression reveals she doesn’t understand what I am saying.

“I’ve been watching this whole charade, but you do know there’s a reason why Viper was promoted to leader so soon after joining Kisaragi, right? Leaders need fighting prowess, but they also need the leadership skills to command Combat Agents, and sound judgment besides. Comparing her to a defective product like you is totally asinine.”

“Who are you calling defective, dammit?! And all the leaders I know were problematic in some way. I mean, Tiger Man’s not any smarter than me, for example.”

Yes, Tiger Man—one of the longest-surviving leaders in our organization and pedo extraordinaire—is a good example.

He is out on a journey looking for the planet’s most powerful sorcerer stone in the faint hope that Viper can make him a child again.

I mean, isn’t that a little too self-centered, even for a feline mutant?

But Alice shakes her head in exasperation.

“Tiger Man got a degree from a good university. He’s even got a teaching certification. Apparently, he joined Kisaragi because he couldn’t get a job as a teacher. His face was too scary.”

“Wait… That teaching certification isn’t for the elementary-school level, is it…? If that’s the case, I’m pretty sure there’s another reason why he couldn’t land a job…”

…Viper watches us and smiles as though she is watching a particularly close pair of siblings squabbling.

“You really are good friends, Mr. Six and Ms. Alice. You two are partners…right?”

“Yeah, she’s my partner, but she’s been so mean to me lately…”

“Why in the world would you expect an android to be all warm and mushy? Your brain’s already mushy enough.”

I can’t believe this bully is supposed to be my partner in crime.

Just then…

“…Oh? Hey look, Alice. The spirits are coming back. While I doubt a ruthless android made by an evil corporation like you could understand, critters like these can sense that I’m pure of heart, so they wanna be my friend.”

As the spirits gather around me like they had during the day, Alice pokes at them curiously.

“Oh, hey, Vi. You mentioned earlier that I might be able to use magic if I figure out how to communicate with the spirits, right? Alice, can you translate what I’m saying into spirit language?”

“These things are made of plasma. That or they’re some type of firefly.”

This is the problem with science-worshipping robot kids.

“Mr. Six, I happen to know a little spirit language. Would you like me to interpret?”

“Oh? Sure, give it a go, Vi. Let’s see… Try saying, ‘I come in peace. Let’s be friends,’ and see how they respond.”

As I flash a winning smile at the floating spirits, Viper begins to whisper something to them.

The spirit lights then begin to blink as if in response.

“U-um…they say, ‘Begone, filthy invaders from a foreign world. Stop being stupid and leave immediately. If not, we’ll curse you until your dying breath…’”

“Vi! They’re not friendly at all! They really, really hate me!”

As I try to chase off the spirits with pesticides, Alice, who has gotten down on her hands and knees, regards the spirits with newfound curiosity.

“What? Now you like these spirits? That’s pretty odd, given how much you hate the supernatural.”

“…No, I was wondering how these things knew we came from another world. I can’t imagine Viper telling them random drivel, so do they have microcomputers in them that can predict the future? They’re just mysterious floating objects, though…”

As we let Alice ramble about complicated sciencey stuff, Viper gently reaches out her finger to the spirits, and one of them comes to rest on her finger.

She’s currently dressed as Snake Woman, so watching her stand by the moonlight lake with a spirit resting on her finger is one hell of a sight.

“All right, I’m gonna get you this time.”

“Ms. Alice?!”

Evidently Alice put her vacuum cleaner in the container, waiting for a moment like this, and she’s using it to capture spirits.

“Yep, this is the surefire way to deal with things like ghosts and spirits.”

“You just like ghostbusting them with that vacuum.”

“Oh… Th-the spirits…!”

Viper is the only one horrified by the display as Alice happily puts down her vacuum cleaner.

“Let’s have Lady Lilith look into what these so-called spirits are. If things go well, even you Combat Agents will be able to deal with the ghosts that infest this world.”

“…Well, those spirits did seem evil, so I don’t mind, but…”

It is at that moment when—

—the sharp, percussive noise of something hard banging against a tree rings out a short distance away.

Feeling hostile eyes on me, I stomp out the campfire.

“Vi, take shelter in the container with Alice! This is the sound those head-bashing barbarians make, right?”

“Yes, the Bashin tribe. And it’s too late to escape into the container. They’ve got us surrounded.”

Alice also has night vision, and after glancing around the camp, she grabs her gun.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a high-performance android?! Don’t you have infrared sensors or anything?”

“Of course, I do, you meathead. I’ve got thermography, infrared vision, and all sorts of other sensors. But they’re covered in something that’s masking their heat signature. They live in these woods, so maybe they’re covered with mud to avoid the bugs?” says Alice as she looks around curiously, but now’s not the time to be curious about the savages.

“If they’re just savages, then guns should do the trick! Cower before the might of Kisaragi!”

Using my own night vision, I find one of the Bashin tribe members and open fire with my assault rifle.

Thanks to my exploits in Operation Retrieve Viper at the festival, I’ve got plenty of Evil Points.

Not only do I have a brand-new assault rifle, but I’ve got plenty of magazines strapped to my R-Buzzsaw, so there’s no way I’ll be losing to a bunch of primitive folks.

I spray gunfire at the silhouettes lurking among the trees and shout out the standard warning to surrender, fully aware that my adversaries won’t understand a word I say.

“Mwa-ha-ha-ha, this is the power of civilization! Now, those were just warning shots! Next I’ll start aiming right at you! Surrender if you value your lives! If you can understand me, throw down your weapons!”

Pinned down by my gunfire, my opponents are unable to respond.

Just then, a silhouette that appears to be a Bashin warrior winds up and throws the ax he’s holding.

“Whoa!”

I duck my head as an ax whooshes through the air above it.

“Even if they’re from different planets or countries and don’t speak the same language, they can still understand expressions and body language. I don’t recommend taunting them.”

“Oh, shut up! That caught me off guard! I’m gonna slaughter them, just watch…”

Sure, I may have almost soiled myself, but I do my best to put up a brave front before Alice, who has been using me as a shield, lightly taps her own head.

“Leave this to me, the brains of the operation. I can understand what they’re saying based on their gestures and body language. If we can negotiate with a powerful tribe and get them on our side, that’s the smarter solution.”

“…Well, since you put it that way, I’m happy to leave it to you. If the negotiations don’t go well, send some sorta signal…”

Before I can finish talking, Alice peers out from behind me and shouts, “What do you want, you savages?! Money? Women? Power? You name it! We’ve got food and clothing and lots of shiny treasure. All you have to do is obey us and it can all be yours! Refuse if you wish to die!”

I somehow manage to block another ax thrown my way.

“Was that your idea of negotiation, you useless scrap heap?! Some brains you turned out to be! You’re no better than me!”

“Savages usually spend their time drinking, eating, and sleeping, right? My terms should have been awesome. I simply wasn’t able to get my point across this time. I’ll get it right this time. Leave it to me.”

Alice speaks with an incomprehensible amount of confidence, but I’m pretty sure there’s no way we can successfully negotiate when this useless bucket of bolts naturally looks down on the Bashin tribe.

While Alice and I are arguing, Viper has somehow made her way to the Bashin tribe members.

“We’re sorry for disturbing you at such a late hour. We’re just visiting your woods. We have no intention of stealing your prey, so could you just let us stay here a few nights?”

“Vi, what the hell are you doing?! They’re not going to understand your peaceful request!”

I step in front of Viper, hoping to shield her if she’s attacked, but a man in a mask and loin cloth takes a deep breath and…!

“Awwwwaaaaaaaaaaa!”

“See! You made him super mad, Vi! Hey, Alice, time to go! Get us a flash-bang!”

As I cower at the sudden scream, Viper looks at me with a puzzled expression and shakes her head.

“No, he says, ‘So long as you leave our primary prey, Supopocchis, alone, do as you wish, young lady.’”

“Why is he so polite?! Wait, you can understand them, Vi?”

“E-erm, yes… The Bashin tribe speak the spirit language, so…”

So that “awwaaa” was spirit language? Seriously?

…But based on the fact that the Bashin person Viper spoke to puts his ax away, it seems they really do understand her.

I suck in a deep breath.

“Awaaaaaaaa!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

“Graaaaaaaaaah!”

After attempting to speak in the spirit language, I barely have time to dodge the ax thrown at me.

“What an awful thing to say, Mr. Six! You shouldn’t ever say such things!”

“I was just trying to mimic their ‘awwaaaa’ scream! What the hell did I say that was worthy of Evil Points?!”