Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 3 - Chapter 3.8

8 

Returning to the room a bit later, I find the two of them still going at it. 

“As I said, there’s no need for monetary compensation. So we would require some other form of recompense. Sharing some of Kisaragi’s technology, for example…” 

“Now you’re just being greedy, princess. I’m skeptical on whether or not your body even has the same value as our tech. For example, if you’re not a virgin, the value would be substantially less—” 

“There’s no way a royal princess would be that indecent! I haven’t yet—” 

“Sorry to interrupt during such an interesting subject, but can you spare a moment?” 

I interject myself into the apparent argument. 

“I spoke to Ten to see what he was up to, and he says he wasn’t there to seduce the princess. He says the reason he was naked in Tillis’s room was because he was trying to poop here.” 

“……?!?!?!?!?!?! Excuse me—I’m afraid I don’t understand. I don’t understand a word of what you’re saying!” cries Tillis with a rare show of confusion. 

“…? Oh, he says he was naked because he can’t relax in a room with his clothes on. I’ve met people like that before.” 

“No, that’s not what I meant! Well, all right, that’s also a serious issue, but still! No, what I wanted to know was why he was planning to do such a thing inside my room! Why wouldn’t he just go to the bathroom?!” 

It’s rare to see Tillis so flustered. 

“I don’t know, either. Guess he’s just marking his territory? Setting boundaries?” 

“My bedroom is my own! Honestly…?! J-just…just give me a moment to gather my thoughts…,” Tillis says, looking as incredulous as ever; but after pressing her hand to her chest and taking several deep breaths, her expression returns to normal. “I admit, I would have found this easier to accept if it had been a seduction attempt… P-pardon me, but I must ask, in your country, is it common to sneak into a woman’s room and do such things, Sir Six…?” 

“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. You feeling okay?” 

“I—I find that abnormal as well. I was only asking just in case! Of all the… What crime do I even charge him with…?!” 

Just then, Alice—who had been frozen until that moment for some reason—returns to her senses and reboots. 

“Hey, Six, seems like I still have a lot to learn. I thought I understood you Combat Agents, but there are times when I can’t make heads or tails of what you’re thinking.” 

Well, of course, even a high-spec android isn’t perfect. 

“That’s how it is sometimes. I mean, it hasn’t been that long since you were built. You just need to build up experience from here. Everyone starts somewhere.” 

“…If you say so. I don’t feel like I’ll ever understand you all, but…” 

“Have a little more faith in yourself. It’ll be all right. You’ve been doing really well already.” 

Alice doesn’t seem convinced. She’s got a wide range of expressions for an android. 

But anyway. 

“So what’s going to happen with Ten? Since we can’t expect reinforcements from Earth, Combat Agents are a precious commodity. Losing him would put a wrench in our future operations…” 

“Hmm?! O-oh, of course; what shall we do…? Given the lack of precedent, I’m not certain what offense this would fall under…” 

Tillis seems at a loss, so I offer her a hand. 

“It’s not much different from peeing in public. So a similar punishment should be enough.” 

“Please don’t equate using a maiden’s bedroom as a toilet with something like peeing in public!” 

Tillis turns red, as if realizing something after her outburst. 

“…You know, you’re still a girl, even if you are a scheming royal… You probably shouldn’t be yelling out things like ‘peeing in public’…” 

“Whose fault do you think that is?! …This is too much! First the idiotic incantation, and now men breaking into my bedroom…” 

Tillis suddenly cradles her face and bursts into tears. I guess it’s stressful to shoulder all the responsibility for running the kingdom. 

“Alice, if you’ve got a heart in your robotic chest, at least try to console her…” 

“…I do sympathize with her. If I were her, I would just kick all the Combat Agents out.” 

Tillis purses her lips and glares at us. “We’ll write this incident off as a minor infraction this time. But if anything like this happens in the future, we’ll take strict measures. What is our security even doing…?” 

Tillis seems at a loss, so I decide to offer her some advice here as well. 

“The security for this room sucks. The problem is there’s only one soldier watching the doorway and no one watching the ceiling. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve sneaked into this room.” 

“?!” Tillis goes quiet and stares in shock. 

Yes, during my infiltration missions of late, I’d driven climbing stakes into the castle wall and opened a hole in the roof to sneak in. 

Recently, taking advantage of a time when Tillis wasn’t in the room and there was no one around, I’d done a little work to make part of the ceiling easier to remove for access. 

“See, like this…” 

“So you were the root cause! Which means Sir Six was sneaking in to seduce me…” Tillis hugs her arms to herself and looks at me as though I’m some sort of predator. 

“No, that thought never occurred to me. It’s just that I can earn a ton of Evil Points just by sneaking into a royal’s room. At first, I was planning to sneak in, strip naked, and crawl into bed next to you while you were sleeping, then surprise you when you woke up. But since I found out I could earn a lot of points just from sneaking in, I figured it’d be better to use the place to rack them up without your knowledge.” 

“What do you mean ‘you figured’?! Huh? W-wait a moment; the way you phrased that sounds like it wasn’t just you and Ten sneaking in…” 

Tillis’s expression goes from shock to dread. 

“The others were here, too. Every night, there’s been someone here earning points by doing push-ups, dancing, or whatever else next to you.” 

“Wh-why?! Just what were you doing while I slept?! And why ?!” 

As to why it turned out that way, I really don’t know, either. 

“It started out with my squats. I’d sneak in during the middle of the night, get some exercise in, then head home to sleep. After that, there was the time I snuck in and played Jenga next to you. It started getting exciting to see how long it would take you to notice, and it was also fun to test the limits of what we could get away with. Recently, we actually had a barbecue right next to you…” 

Before I can finish, Tillis screams an order. 

“Guards!!”