Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 2 - Chapter 4.8

8 

I wake up to an unbelievable sight. 

“…Hey, Alice.” 

“Ah, you’re awake. I injected you with medical nanomachines. Do you feel any pain?” 

I’m in my bed at the hideout. 

I twist around a little bit, trying to figure out how I feel. “No, can’t say anything hurts in particular…” 

“Yeah? Good. You might have hit your head, though, so I’ll run some tests later. If you end up any stupider, even I might start having a hard time.” As usual, Alice’s bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. 

“I have a lot of questions. Do you mind?” 

“Sure, shoot.” 

First off… 

“I remember up to the point where you attacked him in your Destroyer. What happened afterward?” 

“We won of course. They had better hardware, but it came down to piloting skill. We took some damage, but I sent their robot to the scrapyard,” Alice explains rather cheerfully, and I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. 

It’s not like I believed otherwise, but I’m still impressed by my partner. Ordinarily she’s a mouthy piece of junk, but she comes through when it counts. 

“You mentioned taking damage. Is everything all right?” 

“Yep. This Destroyer is a valuable asset; we had to put you into point debt to get it, after all. I’ll need a little time to repair it, but it’ll be fully functional again.” 

I actually was referring to Alice, who had been piloting the thing, but I guess she’s fine. 

“After you passed out, we destroyed the giant weapon and took down Russell. Snow and Rose managed to capture that brat.” 

“Oh, that’s good. I’ve actually got plans for that kid. And what happened after? Where are the Demon and Toris armies?” 

“Toris’s army beat a hasty retreat when I threatened them with the Destroyer. Tiger Man and the other Combat Agents took care of the Demon Lord’s Army using guerilla tactics. I took the opportunity to claim some land from both the demons and Toris. Meaning we’re done with Astaroth’s assignment, too.” 

After hearing Alice’s explanation, I let out a sigh of relief. 

“The princess mentioned wanting to come to a peaceful settlement with Toris, but they’re still being stubborn. They still feel they have the upper hand because they control water crystal exports.” 

“Ah, gotcha.” So we just have to solve the water problem now. 

“That’s about all of it. Any other questions?” 

I decide to ask Alice the question that’s been bothering me the most. “Okay, well then, I did want to ask… Why were you pulling down my underwear?” 

That’s right. 

I woke up to Alice pulling down my underwear. 

“I wasn’t taking them off; I was putting them on.” 

“Doesn’t matter! Why are you putting underwear on me while I’m sleeping?! What is it? Did your curiosity get the better of you? Could you not resist checking out my impressive package?” I pull my underwear up all the way, carefully stowing everything in its proper place. 

“I’m not interested in your Chunchunmaru. I was just taking care of your lower body needs.” 

“Don’t call it Chunchunmaru! At least give it a more intimidating name…! Uh wait, my lower body needs? You were acting as my caretaker?” Another question comes to mind as I process what Alice just said. “How long was I out?” 

“About three days. If you’re out that long, you’re going to end up doing number one and two in bed.” 

Seriously…? “Damn, guess I’m off the marriage market…” I cover my face with my hands and begin crying. 

“If you end up a lonely old man, I’ll take care of you until you croak, partner. So don’t be so melodramatic, Mr. Poopypants.” 

I’m not sure if she’s trying to reassure me or if she’s taunting me. 

“…I guess. Doesn’t look like Astaroth’s going to budge. Grimm’s a ticking time bomb, and Rose scares me. Snow is completely out of the question. I guess I’ll have to settle for you…” 

“Settle for me, huh? That’s pretty rich coming from you, scumbag.” Alice tosses a jab my way, but I can see a rare hint of amusement in her expression. 

“That reminds me. Can you have your body modified to have bigger boobs and be a little taller? Also, get a TENGA installed while you’re at it.” 

“You’re lucky I’m an android. If you said that to a normal woman, no one would blame them for killing you.” 

As Alice remarks with a sigh, I come to a realization. “Android… That’s it! Why didn’t I think of this earlier? Remember that demon Grimm summoned the other day? Try making a wish with him! Ask him to upgrade you from a mouthy android to a pretty human girl…” 

“Well, that’s some attitude coming from someone who could barely move from all his injuries. And to think I cleaned up your messes for you. But if that’s how you want to play it, fine!” 

As Alice throws my pants at me, I remember something important. 

“Now wait, Alice. We’re not done cleaning up. Come with me for a bit.” 

I grin at Alice’s suspicious glance. 

Alice leads me down a flight of dimly lit stairs. Following us is my special guest—a bit of insurance in case our negotiations fail. 

At the bottom of the stairs is a stinking pit of a dungeon. 

And then… 

“Hey, you’re looking good.” 

Inside the dungeon, both arms secured with long chains, is Russell of the Water. 

He lets out an unamused snort as he hears my voice. “I can’t believe you’re still alive after the beating I gave you. Tenacious, aren’t you?” 

“Tenacity’s Mr. Six’s middle name. Honestly, my bosses call me that, and I don’t really like it, so could you not?” 

Russell fixes me with a mocking glare. “I still can’t accept that I lost to someone as disgusting as you… Well, I guess I lost to that little one there. You were powerless against my weapon. I don’t know why you look so triumphant when you got your butt kicked by a kid like me.” 

Russell grins, spitting out a string of insults. I guess he’s trying to anger me as revenge for all that taunting. 

“You’re right. I’m a lowly minion after all.” 

“…Just like that? How boring. You’re just going to own up to it? Sigh . I still don’t get why Gadalkand lost to you.” 

When I casually accept his attempt at mockery, Russell puts his hands behind his head and leans back, as if to demonstrate he’s lost interest in me. 

I point my index finger at him. “But you. Well, you’re the pathetic scrub who lost to that lowly minion, making you the most useless of all. All that attitude and look where you are: in a dungeon as our prisoner! How’s it feel to be mocked by someone so lowly? Come on, tell me, loser. Ha-ha!” 

“Grrrrrrrr…!” 

“Six, why are you fighting with this brat anyway? I thought you needed something from him.” Alice brings me back to the task at hand before I can taunt Russell any more. 

“Oh, right. That’s not why I’m here. I actually had something I wanted to ask you.” 

“Piss off.” Russell rejects my request immediately. 

“…Hey, you damn brat, you should listen while Mr. Six is in a merciful mood, otherwise…” 

“Go ahead. I don’t know what you’re planning to do, but go ahead and do it. Despite my looks, torture doesn’t bother me much. I guess it’s a Chimera trait. Things like heat, cold, and pain don’t bother me,” Russell jeers with the attitude of someone long past the point of caring. 

Ah, that makes sense. Rose didn’t seem to mind the heat and cold in the desert. Which means what he’s saying is probably true, too. 

“Let me get this out of the way. You put us through hell, but we’re enemies, and this is war. I don’t have anything personal against you. But you’re a prisoner now. If you won’t cooperate, we’ll treat you accordingly.” 

“Like I said, go ahead. I’m a Chimera. I had a lot of things done to me in the name of experiments. None of that bothers me now.” 

Well, that’s a problem… I was hoping to get a little more information about this Chimera stuff, too… 

“Come on, stop sulking and listen. You know this country’s short on water, right? What I wanted to ask you was—” 

“Oh, shut up! I have no interest in listening to your requests! Do whatever it is you’re going to do! Or are you all talk? Could it be that you can’t bring yourself to torture a kid like me? C’mon, if you’re not all talk, bring it on!” 

…… 

“Well, all right. I can’t do this. I give up.” 

“…Are you serious? Ah, okay. I guess you’re just that desperate for water. Are you going to bow and beg for my help? It’s true that I’m skilled enough with water magic to have it in my title. It’d be easy for me to make enough water to save this kingdom. Too bad for you that I have no intention of helping…” 

I interrupt Russell’s monologue and lower my head in a bow. 

Not to Russell, obviously, but to the special guest standing behind me. 

“I apologize, Tiger Man. I couldn’t do it. I give up.” 

“Well then…leave the rest to me. In fact, you might say this is time forrr me to enjoy myself.” 

At my admission of defeat, our special guest, Tiger Man, steps out of the shadows. 

Alice, who had been listening quietly, looks over curiously. “I didn’t know Tiger Man was any good at torture. Can he really break someone this stubborn?” 

Tiger Man doesn’t respond to Alice’s question, instead approaching the cell as though to offer a demonstration. 

“…Who the hell are you? You humans have beastmen among your ranks? Hey, beastman, can you understand what I’m saying? Ha-ha-ha, say something!” 

Russell overcomes a moment of surprise at seeing Tiger Man and quickly regains enough confidence to start blustering again. 

Tiger Man doesn’t say a word. 

Instead, he stands there gazing intently at Russell’s face… 

“Nyeow that’s some fine worrrk, Six. I’ll buy you a drrrrink later.” 

“Really? Thanks, Tiger Man. Not only are you creepy, but you’re generous! How cool!” 

“You don’t need to call me crrreepy. Little Russell’s going to get upset, so don’t say things like that nyeow.” 

Russell casts a suspicious glance as I exchange words with Tiger Man. 

Alice appears to have figured out the situation and offers Russell some advice. “Hey, you really screwed up on this one. If you’d listened to Six, all you would’ve had to do is make water all day. Well, I hope you’re happy with Tiger Man.” 

“…Huh?” 

Russell tilts his head in confusion, as though he doesn’t understand what Alice is saying. 

Just then, Tiger Man, in a cheerier mood than usual, purrs out in a low, husky baritone, introducing himself to Russell. 

“My name is Tigerrrrr Man. A mutant that loves little childrrrren. So much so that I plan to be modified into a little girl when I retirrre.” 

Hearing that, Russell looks utterly bewildered… 

“…Huh?” 

“No ‘huh’ about it. You and I arrre going to be the best of frrriends from nyeow on, Russell. Nyeot to worry, I’ll be gentle nyeow.” 

Tiger Man lets out a ragged breath, gripping the cell’s bars with both hands. 

“E-erm… I don’t know what you’re talking about… I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m a boy. Heh. Sorry! Can’t you tell? Is this beast blind?” 

Russell doesn’t appear to understand the situation yet. 

Tiger Man smiles gently and continues with his nice, low baritone. 

“I know you’rrre a boy. In fact, you’rrre just my type!” 

Time stops. 

“…What? What are you saying?! Hey, what’s he going on about?! He’s talking nonsense!” Russell says in a sudden panic, which just seems to excite Tiger Man further. 

“Little Russell has a cute face, so I bet a skirrrrt would look myarrrvelous on him.” 

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about!” 

I admit I don’t get it, either. Still, I can say this with confidence. “Wow, Tiger Man. Mutants sure are impressive!” 

“What the hell are you impressed by?! Y-you’re kidding, right? I’m a guy! You’re just threatening me, right? This can’t be happening!” Russell rambles desperately, as though he’s now aware of the danger he’s in. 

“My heart is big; nyeow do you see? I don’t mind little distinctions like ‘boy’ or ‘girrrrrl.’ I can love them both equally.” 

“Wow, Tiger Man. I seriously don’t get what it is you’re saying, but you’re creepy cool!” 

“F-fine! I admit it, you win! I give up. I’ll go ahead and make water for you!” Russell suddenly admits defeat and offers to cooperate… 

“Impressive, Tiger Man. The brat’s willing to cooperate.” 

“Don’t be absurrrrd. It’s too late nyeow. No take-backs.” 

“Wait! I give up! Please! I give up! S-stop…?!” 

Tiger Man, who had been gripping the iron bars, yanks them out with his arms. The ruined remains of the bars land the floor near Russell’s feet. 

Russell tries to back away, face locked in a twitching grimace. His voice is an octave higher than usual. “F-fine, I get it! I’ll defect to your side starting now! Combat Chimeras can be really useful!” 

“Sorry, we’ve already got one of our own. It’ll be okay, Russell, I’m sure Tiger Man will take good care of you.” 

Russell begins to cry, tears rolling down his cheeks and snot dribbling from his nostrils as he vigorously shakes his head from side to side. 

“Nooo! NOOOOOOOO! This is wrong! So wrong! Please! Please let me make water for your kingdom! I’ll work hard every day! I promise!” 

Alice lets out a dismissive snort at Russell’s pleading. 

“Of course you’re going to make water. You rejected Six’s offer. You may belong to a different organization, but you still consider yourself a villain, right? In which case…” 

“If you’re gonna resist, resist to the end. If you’re gonna betray your side, do it quick.” 

As Alice and I offer our commentary, Tiger Man presses his face up close to Russell…! 

“I guess I have no choice. I’ll let you get by with just crrross-dressing. Make sure you work harrrd on your waterrr making… Though for my parrrt, I wouldn’t mind if you slacked off a bit…” 

Tiger Man breaks into a predatory grin.