CHAPTER 3
The Right Way to Assault a Tower
1
With our new toy…er, subordinate Rose safely added to our ranks, our squadron has been sent out on a number of assignments along the front. Although they’re just minor skirmishes, we’ve managed to accumulate a number of victories, a welcome change from the constant losses. We’ve settled into a comfortable routine, and we’re currently taking the day off. Alice and I are lounging in our barracks room with nothing better to do.
“Something’s not right.”
Alice pauses her shotgun polishing and looks up at me.
“What’s wrong? Has there been some kind of strange development with the Demon Lord’s Army?”
“No, this is much more important.”
Alice sets the shotgun parts down on the table and leans forward, listening intently.
“…Since our arrival, we’ve been out on several missions, steadily getting results. It’s been a couple weeks now, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s falling for me.”
“…What?” Alice gapes, unable to believe her ears. It’s an oddly human expression for an android.
“Don’t ‘What?’ me. Listen, Alice. Except for me, our unit is all women. And then there’s Tillis, the women in the knighthood, and enemies like Heine of the Flames. I even met a pretty city guardswoman, though I guess she did mention she had a boyfriend.”
“That guard nearly wrote us up. Grimm’s taken a shine to the wheelchair you gave her, by the way. She’s been zooming around the city at night, making a nuisance of herself. There’s a warrant out for her arrest. If she gets caught again, I’m pretty sure they’re going to lock her up,” Alice replies.
I ignore her and raise my fist before launching into an impassioned monologue.
“And yet! All these fateful encounters and no major events! We’re well past the time for Snow to wander into the baths while I happen to be in there or for a sleepy Grimm to mistake my room for hers and crawl into my bed. Maybe a hungry Rose goes looking for something to eat and finds a thick, juicy sausage. But it’s actually my… The point is, we’re long overdue for an event like that!”
“…Wow, that last one was a new low, and yet, I’m not really surprised to hear you say it. Fascinating.”
Alice gazes at me as though studying a particularly strange animal. I continue my monologue, not minding the scrutiny.
“Before our arrival, this kingdom was on a big losing streak. Then I show up and lead the kingdom’s forces to its first real win in ages! I’ve got a pretty substantial number of victories under my belt. Mostly small skirmishes, but still. There’s plenty of reason for women to swoon over me. I’ve even been standing ready in the hallway making sure I can run into a woman and grope her by mistake.”
“Oh, right. There’ve been complaints about that, actually. You’re becoming a pest.”
Grousing, I grab Alice’s head and grind my knuckles against her temples.
“I want to be yelled at for being oblivious, for not hearing a confession of love due to a gust of wind, or for totally missing the hints thrown my way. And then…and then a group of beautiful women can surround me and demand that I choose one of them! I want drama… Hey, where are you taking me?”
“Yes, yes, confessions and hints and whatever else. Now if you’ll just follow me to the infirmary so I can check your head.”
I pull my arm away from Alice’s grip.
“There’s nothing wrong with me! Think about it! The majority of this kingdom’s knights are women! How have I not been able to get a taste of the ‘lucky pervert’ trope even once?!”
Alice lets out a deep sigh, brushing aside the intense sincerity behind my words. There are times when I find her actions a little too human for comfort.
Alice grabs my right hand and places it against her chest. I stare at her in confusion, completely unable to grasp her intent.
“Ah. Ah.”
Alice is stone-faced as she lets out a couple dry moans. I pull my arm away from her a second time.
“Lucky you. You got to touch a pretty girl’s chest. Happy now?”
“Why would I be happy about grabbing a lump of silicone on a robot’s chest? At the very least, you could put a little more emotion into it. Well, that’s not exactly the part I’m miffed about! I mean, yes, I wanna do dirty stuff, but—!”
“Okay, okay, whatever. Let’s go to the infirmary, okay?”
Alice does her best to talk me down and pats my hand condescendingly.
My thoughts are interrupted as someone knocks on the door.
“Just what were you yelling about?! I could hear you through the door! Anyway, a meeting’s been called, and you’re on the invite list, so quit the perverted ranting! Be mindful of how your actions reflect on me!”
Snow’s cheeks are flushed red as she opens the door to drag me off to the meeting.
“The Chosen One and his party were badly wounded in a battle against Gil the Mighty and Rista the Clever, the demons guarding the top floor of the Tower of Duster. They are currently being treated by our top healers.”
We’re currently in the castle’s conference room. After confirming that all the unit commanders are present, the kingdom’s general, some crusty old fart, launches into his status update. The news of the Chosen One’s defeat sends a murmur through the room.
“Quiet! Thankfully, the Chosen One’s wounds aren’t too serious. The healers have assured me that the treatment will be rather straightforward.”
The commanders let out a collective sigh of relief at the news.
“However, as you’re all aware, our kingdom is currently being pushed back by the Demon Lord’s Army. We’re fortunate that the Chosen One has survived, but his defeat has shed light on a particular problem.”
The room goes quiet, waiting for the old fart to continue.
“We’re running out of time. I hate to admit it, but we don’t stand a chance against the Demon Lord’s Army in a full-on confrontation. The longer the war continues, the more likely our defeat. Our only hope is for the Chosen One to slay the Demon Lord before his armies lay waste to our kingdom. Speaking frankly, we need the Chosen One to pick up the pace. This latest setback comes at an incredibly inopportune time.”
A shadow falls on the room.
“We asked the Chosen One why he attacked the Tower of Duster. He mentioned that there is a treasure in the tower that he needs in order to bring the fight to the Demon Lord’s castle. The Chosen One will have to attack the tower again as soon as his treatment is done. Time is of the essence.”
The gruff old man pounds the table in front of him as the rest of us sit in silence.
“So! I plan to lay siege to the tower while the Chosen One recovers. We’ll assemble the kingdom’s forces, overwhelm their defenses with sheer numbers, and take the treasure ourselves. We can help hasten the Demon Lord’s demise!”
A cheer goes up throughout the room. All the unit commanders are worked up into a frenzy.
…But this is a little different from the Chosen One stories I’m familiar with…
In the stories I know, the Chosen One usually gets a purse of gold—a child’s allowance, really—then gets sent off to kill the Demon Lord. They’re usually not backed up by the might of an entire kingdom.
Well, I suppose it makes sense if you consider the Chosen One is this kingdom’s prince. And logically, outside of an epic, it makes sense for a kingdom to mobilize all its resources to fight off an invading Demon Lord.
Unlike everyone else, I’m not actually that pumped about this mission, and I slump back in my chair. If the mission is for the entire army to raid the tower, there probably won’t be that much for our squad to do.
“I beg your pardon, my lord…but if we’re to successfully lay siege to a tower that repelled the Chosen One, we’ll need more than just numbers.”
A balding man with a scar over one eye splashes a bit of cold water on the gathering. From what I understand, he’s the army’s chief of staff. He’s one of the VIPs I brought to the verge of tears when taunting the elite knight with my squad’s (admittedly inflated) battle results.
“The Tower of Duster is hollow, with a narrow staircase twisting up along its walls. So we’ll have to engage the defending demons in a single file along a narrow staircase. The soldiers at the front will fall back as they’re wounded, with fresh forces pushing forward. We’ll have to grind through it step by step. It might even take longer than a full day to fight our way through… Perhaps you have a better plan?”
The staff officer looks caught off guard by the question, glancing side to side in panic. Looks like he didn’t have a plan of his own.
“I…I’m afraid not, my lord.”
Hang in there, Pops… Wait, why is he looking my way? I don’t have any magic schemes up my sleeve, and even if I did, I’m certainly not going to be putting myself on the spot.
“I cannot think of a better plan, my lord…however, Sir Six has been gaining renown as the commander able to defeat the demons. Not only that, but he hails from a foreign kingdom, possessing insight that we lack. No doubt he has some wonderful tactics to make up for our shortcomings, as he is always so eager to point them out…”
…Well, I guess he kind of took all that criticism personally. I can feel the rest of the eyes in the room turn to me at the suggestion.
Dammit, old man, of course you’d turn to me. You couldn’t save your hairline, much less a whole kingdom…
The old fart fixes me with a steely gaze.
“Well, Sir Six, have you any suggestions?”
…I do have one, but to be honest, I’m not sure if this is the right audience for it. The knights in this kingdom are all about honor and chivalry. That’s cute and all, but it doesn’t really mesh well with tactics employed by evil megacorporations.
“Light it up.”
At this point, I’ve been using my arms as a pillow while I rest my head on the table, just barely looking at the other commanders around me. Everyone seems nonplussed, with several heads tilting to the side.
“You mean to propose setting the tower on fire? It was built with brick and mortar. It’s likely impervious to fire.”
The question comes from a nearby knight captain, a woman maybe in her midtwenties, who had turned her chair to face me.
“No, not the tower itself. You mentioned that the tower was hollow, right? So what we do is take over the first floor, open up all the entrances, and light a huge bonfire in the middle. It’d be like one of those smoking racks they hang meat in. Eventually, we can cook everything in that tower, from the boss demons on down. It’ll be fun!”
…………
“Wh-what say you all…? It sounds as though it would be quite an…effective strategy. Yes, quite effective indeed…”
It appears the plan has unnerved the old man, as the confident expression on his face falters.
“It seems a little extreme, don’t you think? Even if we’re talking about demons here…”
“Still, it would keep our losses at a minimum…”
“I can’t help but feel this would be crossing a line, not just as knights but as human beings…”
The commanders begin talking among themselves, and the room fills with conflicted murmuring. I sit back and watch the debates unfold, stifling a yawn and folding my arms across my chest.
…A whole ten minutes later.
“Sir Six, we’re very grateful for your proposal, but we’ve decided to go with the frontal assault!”
All the other heads in the room nodded along with the old man’s proposal.
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