Brilliant Report (Apology Edition)
Maple Industries Co, Ltd, Amagi Brilliant Park
To: Acting Manager Kanie Seiya
Sorcerer’s Hill Cast Leader
Moffle Mel Mosenas (Fairy of Sweets)
Letter of Apology
On day X of month O, I negatively impacted the park’s image by striking and injuring a guest, fumo. Sorry. My explanation of the circumstances is as follows, fumo:
1: How the incident occurred
Around 2:00 PM on day X of month O, I was doing my usual performance in Entrance Square when I saw a set of guests in possession of a particular piece of photographic paraphernalia. That is to say, a selfie stick. The guests were three women in their early twenties. (I guessed from their conversation that they were in college, fumo, as they kept talking about their ‘friends from seminar.’) Official park policy doesn’t forbid the use of selfie sticks, fumo. All we have is some fine print in the corner of the pamphlet that says, “Please use with caution during crowded periods.”
But that Sunday, it was crowded, fumo. The three girls were completely hyperactive, swinging that selfie stick around while they took their pictures with me, fumo. They ended up whacking a young man, who was waiting in line with his girlfriend. It looked like it was the boy’s first date with the girl, and as he likely didn’t want to spoil their day off, he grinned and bore it and laughed it off awkwardly.
But these three girls didn’t even say they were sorry, fumo. That’s when my assistant Chujo Shiina stepped in and said to them, as roundabout as could be, “The park is very crowded right now, so we’d appreciate it if you could put your photographic aid away.”
The girls got all offended by this, and started saying things like “Who is this kid?” and “You can’t scold a customer!” They had Chujo in tears, fumo. Left with no other choice, I squeaked my way in there, poked at the selfie stick and made a ‘you can’t do this, fumo’ gesture, fumo (since I can’t talk onstage).
The three of them started making faces and saying things like “Who do you think you are, rat?” and “He thinks he can play Mr. Nice Guy” and “We saw you lay out that delinquent daddy” and left, cackling to themselves.
Well, I endured it, of course. Because they’re customers, you know? But later that day, I found them swinging that selfie stick around again, fumo. They were doing it in Kenjuro’s area. No one else had gotten hit, but they were being a general nuisance, fumo.
Then two hours later, I saw the three of them around Sorcerer’s Hill. They were as hyperactive as ever, and being a nuisance to the other guests, fumo.
Then there was this kid—I think about two years old. The kid was sleeping in a stroller, and after they finished taking a picture, they whacked him with the selfie stick, fumo. As you’d expect, the kid started crying—just bawling his eyes out, fumo. Poor thing. They’d even left a scrape on him, fumo.
The mother was looking around like she didn’t know what to do. The father got angry and told them to be careful. But those girls didn’t apologize. They just went off with things like, “What’s with you, old timer?” and “Stay out of our way, okay?” and “Why don’t you worry about shutting your kid up?”
Well then, see... I’d reached my limit on irritation, see? I snatched that selfie stick from those girls and gave them each a little smack. Of course, I was holding back, so I didn’t even leave a mark or anything, but they still seemed embarrassed, fumo. That’s how it went down, more or less.
2: How I dealt with it and the aftereffects
The three girls were furious, and insisted they would sue the park, fumo.
But when the acting manager—Kanie Seiya, who was called to deal with the situation—heard what went down, he gave them a talking-to, and they suddenly got really quiet, fumo. I had a feeling it wasn’t so much the lecture from the hot guy that did it, and more that he had some kind of blackmail material on them. I opted not to comment though, fumo. The acting manager seemed to resolve matters using some kind of magic or other, I suppose.
Afterwards, word of what happened at AmaBri got out to the rest of the world. For better or worse, another customer had recorded the events on his smartphone, from about the part where they hit the two-year-old, up until the point where I slapped them. It looks like it hit the ’net and just made me more popular, fumo.
Of course, some people have unkind things to say about me, but most of the reaction is positive. And the three troublemakers didn’t say a word after that, fumo. Good thing we didn’t have to deal with a lawsuit, fumo!
3: Reflections and plans for future improvement.
This is a letter of apology, right? So I’d better write down what I’m sorry for. I’m very sorry for losing my head and forgetting my place as the park’s headliner mascot and extremely popular Fairy of Sweets. I’ll be sure it never happens again. So sorry, so sorry (imagine me picking my nose as I say this).
Are you satisfied now, fumo? Now, as for how to keep this from happening in the future. If you ask me, it’s this park’s vague policies that led to this nonsense, fumo! The trouble is the weasel words about selfie sticks! The park (in other words, you, Seiya) has invited this chaos with its half-assed approach to the problem!
It’s very clear that this is your fault! Just say ‘Selfie sticks are banned’! Then the cast could say ‘put it away’ with confidence, fumo! It’s not my fault at all, fumo! If I see another set of insensitive idiots like that, I’ll hit them as many times as it takes, fumo! If you want to fire me, fire me!
You get it? You get it? Then take some action already, fumo! Even making me write this apology is stupid, fumo! Like I’m a child or something! You management types just do this so you can feel smart and superior! It took me two hours to write this nonsense, fumo! I’ve got better things to do, you know!
Die, you trash!
Acting manager’s response to the apology
I understand what you’re trying to say. I agree that the ambiguity of the park’s policies are what led to this incident. I’ll correct the language immediately.
However. I’ve never seen an apology letter that contains the phrase “Die, you trash!” I’m not even sure how this is an apology letter. You’re not sorry at all! And you should show a little appreciation for what I went through to resolve the situation peacefully, you sewer rat!
So I, too, want to say this: Die, you trash!
Maple Industries Co, Ltd, Amagi Brilliant Park
To: Acting Manager Kanie Seiya
Sorcerer’s Hill Executive Leader
Macaron Nam Secaron (Fairy of Music)
Letter of Apology
On day X of month O, I, Macaron, engaged in reckless driving in a backstage transport cart, injuring five people as a result. I am very sorry, ron.
1: How the incident occurred
People say it’s a lousy park, but AmaBri is still really big, ron. Many members of the cast use a bicycle or electric cart to move around the underground passages, you know? Everybody knows that, right, ron? But we mascots are too big to use bikes, and those electric carts are super slow, ron. It’d honestly be faster to jog sometimes, you know? People have been complaining about it for a while, ron. I mean, we got those electric carts 20 years ago during the bubble era, so they’re inefficient and slow. They need two hours of charging just to run for ten minutes, ron.
So one day, an old friend from my delinquent days came up to me and said, “Senpai, I just got a Chevy V8 engine in, you want it?” It was a super-powered turbo engine that came out of a Chevy Corvette, about 400 horsepower. How could I say no?
So I stripped all the unnecessary crap out of one of the park’s electric carts and replaced it with the 400 horsepower engine, ron. (Lots of trial-and-error here. It was rough work, ron!) 400 horsepower in a 300 kilogram machine! I knew it would be dynamite, ron!
So I took it right on a test drive down the underground passage! Of course, I was the driver! Start your engines! I peeled out like it was a drag race, ron. The tires were smoking and I was sliding around like I was on ice, ron. It was super cool!
I think I juiced it up too much, though, because my turbocharged cart ended up driving right up the stairs and out into the onstage area, ron. I couldn’t even stop it, ron.
It ran wild through Etceteland and hit five cast members there. Injured were Colonel Nyathan (fire chief at Whip Antiques), Munakata Toji-kun (part-timer at Whip Antiques), Tiramii (I don’t know what he was doing there), Kodain (Etceteland’s cast leader, who really went flying but seemed fine), and Mirai-kun (Astro City’s area leader, who was probably skipping out on work). Two of them were sent to the park medical center and apparently given serious enemas, ron. I have no idea why they got enemas, but poor guys.
The one silver lining is that no guests were hit, ron.
2: How I dealt with it and the aftereffects
My turbocharged cart was destroyed in the crash, ron. It also started a small fire, which I put out right away. The bathroom I crashed the cart into had to close for the day, which apparently caused extra crowding at the other bathrooms as a result, ron.
The cart I worked so hard to fix up ended up busted. The engine seemed fixable, but the whole frame was in ruins, ron. It was a sad situation, ron.
The cast involved in the accident were also useless all day, ron. Nyathan and Tiramii weren’t big losses, but losing Toji-kun was a bad blow, ron. And the Whip Antique girls who love them some Toji-kun tried to kill me, which was also bad, ron. I had to spend the whole day on the run, and I didn’t get to do any proper performances either, ron. It was horrible, ron!
Who even cares about that harem light novel protagonist (Toji-kun)? I’m far more important to the park than he is, ron. It’s not fair!
3: Reflections and plans for future improvement
I am really, really sorry, ron. I was wrong to only improve the engine, ron. I should have added 20.5 inch rear wheels and switched the tires for ones with a better grip. I also should have elongated the body and widened the wheel base by another 300 mm, ron.
I needed to really reinforce the chassis, too, ron. I wish I’d had some shaved aluminum composite parts to make it as light as possible. The drive shaft also got blown out immediately, so I’d need a thicker and more sturdy one, ron.
The suspension, too—the toy one in the park’s carts just won’t do the trick. I’ll need to prepare and attach proper parts.
Fortunately, the engine itself was fine, so I’ll make an even better vehicle next time. Look forward to it!
Acting manager’s response to the apology
Do you even understand the purpose of a letter of apology? You’re not sorry at all! The only regrets you have are about the way you modified the cart. Do you feel anything at all about the calamity you caused?
Besides, we don’t want you improving the carts, and we didn’t request those specs! It’s ridiculous to use a gasoline engine in an underground passage in the first place! Did you even think of why they’re electric?! You fool!
Just be aware that all the damages, including the lost cart, are coming out of your salary! I’ve already told the chief accountant, so it’s too late to change it. Get ready for consequences!!
????????????
Maple Industries Co, Ltd, Amagi Brilliant Park
To: Acting Manager Kanie Seiya
Sorcerer’s Hill Chief Attraction
Tiramii Zil Zevarmii (Fairy of Flowers)
Letter of Apology
On day X of month O, I brought a female guest backstage and got up to some mischief with her, mii. But it was a misunderstanding! Believe me, mii!
1: How the incident occurred
It started after 1:00 that day in Entrance Square, mii. I was performing my magic tricks as usual when I found a female guest who was looking under the weather, mii. Her name was Tomino Tomiko-san (age 59), and I decided to pick her up and carry her to the medical center, mii. I should have asked the part-timer girl, but I’d been having face-time with the guests for about 30 minutes anyway, and it was just about time for me to get backstage, so I took it upon myself to look after her, mii.
Tomiko-san (age 59) was fashionably dressed in Shimamura clothing, and was suffering from heatstroke, but once I took her backstage and got her some water, she seemed to be feeling pretty good, mii. Then Tomiko-san (age 59) apologized to me and started talking about how things weren’t going well with her husband. Apparently they hadn’t slept together in over ten years. It was a really sad story, mii. I’m a nice guy, so I patiently listened to the story of Tomiko-san (age 59).
Just then, Tomiko-san (age 59) started coming on to me! She leaned in with dewy eyes and said “I’m sorry, Tiramii-san. I... I’m just so lonely,” mii! Then she started rubbing my tummy, mii... It was an obvious seduction, mii!
Of course, I refused her easily, mii! I’m a professional mascot, mii! I can easily withstand such a basic seduction for the sake of my job, mii! I tried to wind things down without offending Tomiko-san (age 59), mii. But that’s when Isuzu-chan arrived, mii!
I’m sure it seemed to Isuzu-chan that I had brought Tomiko-san (age 59) backstage to engage in lewd activities, mii! In a trembling voice, she said “Tiramii, what are you doing?” and pulled out her musket, mii.
2: How I dealt with it and the aftereffects
That’s when things really went downhill, mii! Tomiko-san (age 59) started screaming and shouting “Help! Help! This mascot is trying to rape me!” mii!
Tomiko-san (age 59) was probably afraid that her husband would find out, so she tried to make herself look like the victim, mii!
Thanks to that, I got killed by Isuzu-chan and was also called a pervert, mii. All my co-workers heard the commotion and came running, and they said mean(?) things like “I’m disappointed in you, fumo,” and “Your interests really are wide-ranging, ron,” mii.
Then Kanie-kun came by and smoothed things over so we ended up not having a lawsuit, mii. But there’s still a blemish on my name, and I’ve been ordered to write this apology letter, mii. I don’t think it’s fair treatment, mii.
3: Reflections and plans for future improvement
What should I be sorry for, mii?! Not even I would go after a 59-year-old woman, mii! (Well, I can’t say that for sure! Depends on the situation! I might! Probably?! ...Possibly?) Actually, my record was Ume-san who was 82 (at the time) but that was a special case! It’s not my usual bread-and-butter, is the point!
The point is, that woman (age 59) set me up, mii! She was probably after my savings (I do have some in UFA Bank: about 80,000 yen).
Hmm... But if it’s not that, she might have just been overwhelmed by my sex appeal, mii. Maybe I put out pheromones that are only detectable by older women? I’ll have to do some research, mii. And if I’m being honest, Tomiko-san (aged 59) had really excellent tummy-rubbing technique. She knew my tummy fur very well, mii! Reminds me of my dead granny, mii! It was much better than a girl in her teens or twenties could do, mii. Mature women are the best!
So to be fair, if Isuzu-chan hadn’t shown up then, I probably would have let her rub my tummy more. In that regard, my main regret was that I didn’t take Tomiko-san (aged 59) somewhere more private instead of somewhere Isuzu-chan could find us so easily, mii. I guess that’s what I’m sorry about, mii. Too bad!
Acting manager’s response to the apology
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why it’s a problem for an older woman to be rubbing the tummy of a plush mascot, but all our real cast insist it was bad, so I assume this is problematic behavior in magical realms (even if it’s a mystery to me).
Based on what you’ve written, you don’t seem to be sorry at all, either, so whatever. Do what you want. But if we get sued by a 70-year-old woman next time, I’m not coming to your rescue. You can take on whatever damage costs or name-tarnishing that comes with it.
By the way, Tiramii. You really are a pervert.
Maple Industries Co, Ltd, Amagi Brilliant Park
To: Acting Manager Kanie Seiya
Manager
Latifah Fleuranza
Letter of Apology
On day X of month O, I, Latifah Fleuranza, started a fire in the Maple Castle kitchen. I could not regret this incident more.
1: How the incident occurred
A bit after noon on day X of month O, I was engaged in my usual daily cooking (preparing croquettes), when I became distracted by a phone call, and the oil overheated as a result.
I had no idea that the pan was that hot, but it appears that some leftover crumbs caught flame in the oil. The next thing I knew, the fire was enormous.
I ran everywhere looking for the fire extinguishers, but I did not know where they were. Nick-san (the food department’s leader), who happened to be present, laid a wet towel over the fire and extinguished it.
2: How I dealt with it and the aftereffects
It is quite fortunate that the only damage was a burned pot and a stain of soot on the ventilation fan. I spent two hours cleaning it, and then resumed my labor. There was almost no damage to the croquettes I was about to fry (about 50 of them), but for safety’s sake, I decided not to sell them. I simply gave them for free to cast members who wanted them.
3: Reflections and plans for future improvement
I am terribly sorry. Cooking croquettes has become so routine that I let my guard down; I cannot apologize enough for what happened.
I was talking to Kanie-sama on the phone, and it appears that I became too elated to think. I understand that this is no excuse. It is my own carelessness that is to blame for everything, and my inability to remember the location of the fire extinguisher further exacerbated the trouble. In the future, I must remember its location, so that this never happens again.
Furthermore, if you deem that I am too incompetent for the task, I shall never approach the kitchen again. I will accept any punishment you deem appropriate. I am truly sorry.
Acting manager’s response to the apology
Hey, don’t worry about it! It’s my fault for calling you then! Seriously, are you okay? You’re not really hurt? If not, then everything’s fine.
Don’t worry about punishment. Just be more careful next time.
Anyway, please don’t torture yourself about this. Everyone loves your croquettes, so just keep up the good work. I know you’re upset, but try to cheer up, okay?!
The End
“Brilliant Report (Apology Edition)” first published in Dragon Magazine, Issue 1, 2016
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