Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 2 - Chapter 4.1

Chapter 4 Christmas Ongoing: Adachi’s Thoughts

What was "Christmas"? What was it like? Was there a right way to handle it? What was the nature of the joy that originated from it? What sort of radiance did things born on Christmas have to them? 
How stressed would I get worrying about it? 
I decided to calm down a little. 
How many days would it take for the flames burning inside me to cool down? One? Two? Likely more than that. Rarely did things go as I planned, but this time, they had. I found myself brimming with excitement. More than anything, I was excited about going out with Shimamura on a special day. That was big. I was unable to fully recover my calm as massive whirlpools and waves stirred about in my heart. I was being sucked inside them, tossed around by them, but I didn't dislike it. No, fighting against them felt fun in a way. And all of that was happening while I was at work. 
Images of snowy landscapes and dazzling Christmas trees had filled my head, pushing out all other thoughts. I'd even forgotten about yanking the ends of my revealing China dress to better cover my thighs. I felt like I only needed to be careless for a second to find myself randomly jumping into the air. It had become a common occurrence for me to lift both of my arms after spinning my right shoulder around, then open and close my fists multiple times, and then stare up at them and be filled with a strange sense of accomplishment. In fact, it happened multiple times in just a single night. I wonder, why did staring at the night sky through my window and watching snowflakes fall make me so happy? 
And yet, there were also some seeds of anxiety there that I hadn't managed to weed out yet. 
The question that was causing me the most stress at the moment was the following: What should we do? 
Though I'd been the one to ask her, I really didn't have a clue what people usually did on Christmas. 
Doing a repeat of my average year would lead into us just sitting around, doing nothing, and as such, I had some studying to do. With that in mind, I'd bought a magazine with a headline akin to "Christmas Date Collection", but much to my disappointment, it didn't include any statistics that showed where people liked to go. Not that we were going on a "date". Regardless, the magazine did offer some recommendations. Going to see a movie, for example. It didn't seem all that bad of a choice, honestly; I wouldn't need to stress about where to go, and discussing what we thought about the film would offer a nice topic of conversation as well. There was a problem, however; I didn't know what sort of films Shimamura liked. She hardly ever spoke about herself, and as such, her tastes were a total mystery to me. Loving someone without knowing much about them... No, wait, that sounded pretty weird. What if instead, it was loving someone precisely because you knew so little about them and wanted to get to know them better? Yeah, that might be it. Maybe. 
The magazine had also listed house parties as an option. Hanging around in your house, eating delicious food and getting all lively. Something like that. Though I did have a feeling that it might be a better fit for the personalities of Shimamura and I, I also felt like I'd be totally lost trying to have a party with her family around. Yes, going out was simply the better option. 
There hadn't been many things in my life that had caused me this much headache. Even the high school entrance exam had been a piece of cake compared to this. 
There were still so many questions left that needed to be answered. For example: What was I going to wear? 
...Should I go shopping for new clothes? I wonder, what sort of clothes did Shimamura like? 
"Hey, no spacing out." 
A figure suddenly appeared next to me. It was the shop manager, dancing in a really bizarre way. Just as cheerful as ever, this old lady. The other employee—the young woman who took care of the kitchen—had grown adjusted to Japanese and sounded quite fluent in her pronunciation, but as for this one, no change. She seemed to be of the opinion that as long as people understood her, it didn't matter. It was a pretty half-hearted stance to take, for sure, but in a way, I respected it. 
While this "creative new Chinese cuisine" restaurant (meaning yet to be determined) only had two regular employees besides me—the older manager lady and the younger kitchen lady—additional hands were dispatched from who-knows-where whenever there was a spike in customers, usually on the days following an advertisement campaign or the distribution of coupons. Needless to say, those people were all foreigners. Likewise, there were times when some other Taiwanese restaurant needed additional people, or a restaurant was being reopened and the night was anticipated to be busy, and we were sent there to help. People were being lent left and right. It seemed that there really was some sort of a connection that tied the people from the continent together, and a firm connection at that. I did wonder though, why couldn't they put a fraction of that effort into the menus? Not only did the picture of the Jiaozi dumplings have a wrong number of them, the shapes were all wrong as well. 
With no customers currently in the restaurant, the manager continued dancing. I decided that it would be better to ask her sooner than later. 
"Can I take Christmas, I mean, the 25th off?" 
I could see the old lady's eyes sparkle as I asked. It was quite the change from her usual sleepy appearance. 
"A date?" 
"That's not really... the right way to say it..." 
While a simple "no" would've sufficed, I'd ended up going with something far weirder. "The right way to say it"? Really? So, the contents were fine, and all you needed to change was the way you said it? Furthermore, didn't the word "date" by its definition refer to spending time with someone you were interested in, in order to either deepen your relationship with them or to have fun? Something like that, at least. Anyway, in that case, calling it a date wouldn't be that far off. A date with Shimamura. Simply imagining those words, I felt like steam was going to shoot out from my ears. 
We hadn't even done anything yet, but as I grew more and more passionate, it became harder and harder for me to deny the truth. 
It might actually be a date, as far as I was concerned. 
Those thoughts quickly filled me with shame, causing just a slight feeling of regret to pass through my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have done this after all. 

The next day. I'd sat through a lesson without paying much attention, and before I knew it, the lunch break had begun and I was walking aimlessly down the hallway. Is everything really okay with me, I thought to myself as I turned around to retrace my steps. Had I subconsciously chased after Shimamura, like a girl from the Alps who yearned for the mountains? Thinking that, I strained my eyes, only to be met with disappointment; Shimamura was nowhere to be seen. I wonder what she would've thought if she had witnessed me tottering out from the classroom. 
A need arose to confirm which floor I was on. I turned my eyes towards the window. Based on the fact that I could see a lot of the sky and very little of the ground, I determined that I was, in fact, on the second floor. Now, for the next question: Should I return to the classroom, or should I head towards the cafeteria? 
Putting that aside for a moment, it really felt like I had been sleepwalking. Where you walked in the dream obviously didn't match where you walked in reality, however, and as such, the chances of bumping into someone or something were extremely high. Careful not to fall down the stairs, I managed to walk a tiny bit forward before my mind once again wandered off. This was difficult. 
In my moment of struggle as I tried hard to decide whether to pull back or push forward, someone walked past me. I recognized that someone's face and let out a small yelp. She turned around. It was Hino. Her long hair flowed through the air, matching the swift rotation of her head. 
"Hello, Ada Chi-Chi. What are you doing there, staring into space? Did you stand up too fast and now you're feeling dizzy?" 
"No, that's not it." 
"Are you waiting for Shimamura then?" 
That wasn't it either, unfortunately. I muttered something to the effect of "no" as a reply. 
Come to think of it, the other person wasn't with her. I'd honestly thought that the two of them were glued together. 
"Pretty rare to see you by yourself. Where's... umm... Nagafuji?" 
"What!?" 
Hino checked her left side, then her right side. Could it really be that she hadn't noticed Nagafuji's absence before I pointed it out to her? 
"Wow, she's really not here. Pretty rare for her to lose sight of me." 
What a strange way to put it. I found myself imagining Nagafuji as she absent-mindedly wandered off into the distance. 
It seemed a little strange by itself, but as I added the image of her entering a candy store, it all suddenly made sense. 
"Well, whatever. I have a feeling that she's gonna show up at the cafeteria. I need to hurry there first and save her a seat." 
Did she have confidence in her, or did she not? Anyway, that seemed like a natural end point to our conversation, and I assumed that Hino was simply going to walk off. Instead, she beckoned to me. She bent her finger back and forth, as if signalling me to come stand next to her. 
"Wanna come eat with me, Adattsi?" 
"Me?" 
"Who else? You're the only Adachi I know. Since you were walking this way, I assumed that you were heading there anyway." 
A wide, carefree grin appeared on her face. I don't know if it was her sociable expression or her height that did it, but it really felt like I was conversing with someone younger than me. Of course, I'd never say that to her face. I had a feeling that if I did, she'd get really angry. 
"Sure, I'll come with you." 
As there was something that I wanted to ask her anyway, I decided to accompany Hino. 
Thinking about it, this honestly might have been the first time I'd ever done anything with Hino without Shimamura being there. No, it definitely was the first time. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a single case where I'd hung around at school with someone other than her. I'd never felt any desire to, and as such, it was really the natural outcome. Why hadn't I, I pondered for a second before abandoning that line of thought to avoid falling into the bottomless rabbit hole that was the past. There was no room in my head to be worrying about such things at the present; the right half was filled with Shimamura, and the left with Christmas. 
"Come to think of it, I don't remember if I heard this from Shimamura or where, but is it true that you got a good grade on the English test?" 
Hino's sudden question caught me totally off guard. I'd never expected anyone other than Shimamura to ask me a question about myself. Wait, more importantly, what sort of things about me was she going around telling people? It really bothered me that I didn't know. 
"I'm not sure if I'd call it good. It was more like average", I replied to her, deciding to keep my answer safe. "Oh, really?" Hino exclaimed as a token gesture of admiration before... 
"Herro!" 
...suddenly greeting me in English. She'd given it no lead-in, and once again, I was caught off guard. 
"H-Harro." 
I wonder, how long had passed between this idea popping into her mind and her saying it out loud? A second? Less than that? I couldn't help but smile a little. 
Hino really felt like an elementary school student. In a good way. Oh, and I don't mean because of her height. 
"..." 
I want to preface this by saying that I don't mean it negatively. I'd never consider Shimamura's presence as a nuisance. That being said, with her absent, I felt no reluctance towards spending time with Hino and Nagafuji. No, wait. Was it perhaps the other way around? Whenever Hino and Nagafuji were present, I felt a wall between Shimamura and I. In other words, I felt like those two were getting in the way. 
Neither of them were bad people. I knew that. And yet, it was impossible for me to feel towards them the same way I did towards Shimamura. What was the difference between them? The answer to that question was beyond me. Even supposing that it was a simple matter of taste, it was still extremely difficult for me to clearly identify why I liked Shimamura and not those two. After all, love seldom followed logic. 
I walked down the hallway with Hino and arrived at the cafeteria's entrance after wrapping around by the staff room. Cold winter wind blew through the corridor that connected it to the main building, claiming it as its own. A queue had formed in front of the meal ticket dispensaries installed there. It went without saying, but the majority of the people were shivering. The positioning of the machines was a common source of complaints, I heard, but regardless, the administration apparently had no plans to relocate them. We joined the queue, and as we stood there, I decided to check my phone. Though I usually did it randomly when I was bored, right now, there was a greater meaning to it. I sighed in relief as I verified that I hadn't in fact received a message from Shimamura. Not a second passed that I didn't worry about the possibility of her hitting me up with a simple "let's not do it after all" and calling the whole thing off. 
There was no guarantee that we would be met with good weather that day. Quite the opposite; the trend was for things that mattered to me not to go well. I could only pray that this time would be different. 
Upon what grounds was I praying? Had I committed any good deeds lately? Not really. Well, not that I had many opportunities for those in the first place, considering my lack of contact with other people and all. Anyway, I decided to pledge that I'd do at least one before Christmas. 
After around ten minutes of standing in line, it finally came my turn to order. I wanted something to warm up my body, and as such, Ramen seemed like a good option. 
"I'll take that too", Hino said as she purchased the same meal ticket I had. Fun fact about the school cafeteria's ramen: It always came with a Narutomaki added on top. I kinda felt like most other ramen places had stopped doing that. 
"Adaccchi, do you have any hobbies?" Hino suddenly asked me. We were once again standing in line, this time inside the dining hall in front of the counter. I remembered Shimamura having asked me something similar a while back. I also remembered the boring answer I'd given her. Regardless, I ended up replying to Hino much in the same way. 
"Not really." 
It was the honest truth; I really didn't. As such, there was no point trying to show off. ...No way could I say that thinking about Shimamura was my hobby. 
"Oh, really? Same as Shimamura then." 
Though I was a little startled by Hino suddenly bringing up that name, I sighed in relief a few seconds later as I was able to process the contents of her statement. It seemed that she hadn't read my mental state or anything like that. I thought hard about those words, and as I did, I could feel myself growing more and more elated. 
Same as Shimamura. Same as her... 
"Hey, why are you smiling? Did you remember something funny?" Hino asked while drawing closer. Slightly panicked about what sort of face I was making, I shook my hand in the air, telling her that it was nothing. Had Shimamura been here, there was a very real chance that she might have thought that I was a weirdo for randomly smiling. Even so, it was still a development compared to my parents saying that they couldn't tell what I was thinking, wasn't it? 
After getting my ramen, I headed towards the end of one of the long tables and sat down. The cafeteria was quite crowded, meaning there weren't all that many free seats left. Hino had placed a napkin on a seat next to us, possibly to reserve it for Nagafuji. A thought crossed my mind as I stared at it: What if Shimamura came too? I instinctively glanced at the seat next to me. It wasn't empty. 
Hino politely pressed her hands together, and imitating her, I did the same. Then, almost as if observing her, I stared as she took her chopsticks and lifted some noodles. I'd felt the same way the last time I'd eaten with her, but her behaviour, every single one of her movements, they simply oozed with politeness. It was a little shocking, honestly; I'd always thought of her as someone very free-spirited. Perhaps her parents were really strict with her? 
"Hey, umm..." 
"Hmm?" 
Munching on bean sprouts, Hino lifted her head. I could see the tip of her nose glistening. 
I decided to just go for it and ask her the thing I'd been planning to. 
"Do you know what Shimamura likes?" 
The first thing that came to anyone's mind when they thought about Christmas was presents. Even if I wasn't going to be getting anything from Shimamura, I still planned on giving her one. That was my naive assumption of how Christmas worked. 
"Hm, she likes... What does she like?" Hino asked me back, clearly puzzled. And so, the questioner becomes the questionee. I slurped up a couple of noodles, and so did she. After munching some more bean sprouts, Hino took a sip of water and—still holding her chopsticks—folded her arms. 
"Now then, Shimamura's tastes. She's not really the kind of person who likes talking about them." 
"Yeah, I know." 
That was exactly why I'd felt too embarrassed to ask her directly and—even though it seemed unlikely that she would know—had tried asking Hino instead. 
"Have you ever gone like, shopping with her or anything?" 
"Shopping, huh? Yeah, I have. Multiple times. We've been to a bookstore, and also a tea shop, just to name a few." 
"Tea?" 
"Well, to be frank, it was more of a me-thing. Shimamura was more just looking around. No, actually, I think there were these tea leaves that she liked and said smelled nice. On the black tea shelf, maybe? Or on the Japanese tea one?" 
"Oh? Tea, huh?" 
That might not actually be a bad present. It definitely felt like she'd be more willing to accept it compared to me getting all worked up and randomly picking something by myself. Above all, she liked it. That meant a lot. 
"Can you remember the name of that tea?" I asked her, possibly sounding a little more intense than I had meant to. Hino put down her chopsticks before once again folding her arms. 
"Give me a second. Hmm... What was it again? I don't think it was barley tea. Which shelf was it on? Hmm... No, sorry. The name's right on the tip of my tongue, but it's just not coming to mind. If I saw it, then I should be able to remember it, probably." 
"'If you saw it'... Umm, will you come look for it with me?" 
The name of the tea was the least of my problems; I didn't even know the location of the store. As such, my only option was to once again ask Hino for help. 
Excuses such as that I was bad at doing things with other people just weren't going to cut it here. 
"Hmph", Hino muttered. Her eyes drifted around for a moment, but after a while, she replied calmly. "Shouldn't you ask Shimamura to come with you instead?" 
You only needed to think about it logically to reach that conclusion. Yes, that would've been the easiest way to do it. However, there was a problem: it was quite difficult for me to ask her under the circumstances. 
There was a very real chance that if I did, she'd immediately realise what I was doing. And if that happened, well, it would be regrettable to say the least. 
"Ah, I see", Hino exclaimed as if she had realised something after a few moments of silence. "In that case, sure, I'll come with you and help you choose." 
I wasn't quite sure how she'd come to that conclusion, but either way, it seemed that she understood that this was something that was meant to be kept secret from Shimamura. 
"Oh, sure. Thanks." 
"Today after school sounds good to you? It's at the mall." 
"Hm... Okay, got it." 
With the town we lived in being as small as it was, places that were suited for hanging out were naturally limited. In our case, we pretty much just bounced back and forth between the station and the mall. It seemed more than likely that we would be utilizing at least some part of the mall during Christmas as well. Couldn't really expect any nice-looking scenery or anything like that. 
In other news, I was about to head out with Hino, huh? I felt pretty nervous, but in a different way compared to Shimamura. 
"Still, Shimamura, is it her birthday soon?" 
"Huh? No, I don't think so." 
I was pretty sure that she was already sixteen. If any birthday was coming soon, then it was mine. 
"Wait, so, it's not that kind of present?" 
I could tell that Hino was confused. What kind is it then, she seemed to ponder for a second before quickly realising what month it was. Panicking, I began my attempt to fix this mess. My tongue moved swiftly, but unfortunately, not in the way that I wanted it to. 
"Umm, that kind? That kind." 
I kept repeating those words over and over again, not sure myself what they were supposed to mean. Worried that she was going to press me further on it I grew more flustered by the second, but just then... 
"Ah, there's Hino." 
...Nagafuji walked in. Hino lifted her head, clearly delighted by her appearance. The tip of her nose once again glistened. 
I felt like thanking Nagafuji. She really couldn't have shown up at a more perfect moment. 
She was carrying a bag filled with pastries from the school canteen. Was that perhaps where she'd gone, to purchase them? 
I did wonder for a moment why she had gone out of her way to come here carrying them, but after thinking about it a little more, I found the answer: Because Hino was here. That was the nature of the relationship between them, they tended to naturally meet up without having to arrange it beforehand. I was a little jealous of it, if I'm being honest. 
"Oh. You're late, Nagafuji. Just where did you get yourself lost this time?" 
"Hmm..." 
Completely ignoring Hino's question, Nagafuji sat down next to her before extending her hand towards her head. She then gave her soft-looking hair a pat. 
"The hell?" Hino barked, sounding like she was imitating someone. 
"You haven't gotten smaller after all." 
"Huh?" 
"I was thinking that maybe I lost sight of you because you'd grown smaller." 
So, she really had gotten lost, huh? I was still in shock from that revelation as Hino smacked Nagafuji's head in return. It made a light, satisfying sound. The two then began eating as if nothing had happened. 
They really were close, huh? Personally, I don't think I'd ever be able to smack Shimamura's head. 

"Sorry, Adattsi. Did I keep you waiting?" 
Hino, who'd been waiting for me by the school gate, was now for some reason waving at me. I found myself struggling with the proper response. Like, she was obviously joking, I got that. I just wasn't sure what sort of joke I should sling back at her. Hino was stuck there awkwardly holding her hand in the air as I thought about it for a few moments. 
"I was getting my bike, so, umm, I wasn't really waiting, and... No, sorry. Let's just move on." 
"Not really a jokester, huh? You're in the same camp as Shimamura then." 
While being placed in the same camp as Shimamura did make me happy, it also caused me to feel other emotions, more mixed emotions. 
Had Shimamura been like me, I can't imagine that I would've ever fallen in lo—"love" with her. 
"Still, I do appreciate that you thought about it so hard." 
"...Thanks." 
I'd ended up being complemented for my efforts. Don't get me wrong, her words did definitely offer me comfort. 
"Nagafuji's not here?" 
"Oh, come on. I'm not her mother or anything. It's not like we're always together", Hino replied, pretending to be offended. Honestly, based on their heights, Nagafuji seems more like the mother. I decided not to say that out loud. Or if they were siblings, Hino would be the little sister. That comment I also kept to myself. "Anyway, she said she had something she needed to do. That happens sometimes, like once a year." 
Really? Just once per year? I was pretty shocked. Hino was likely exaggerating, but still. 
Regardless, in a sense, I felt like I had more trouble understanding Nagafuji than I did Shimamura. 
"Now then, shall we get going?" 
Her hands raised above her head, Hino began hopping forward. 
Despite how cold it was, and despite the fact that we hadn't gotten even a glimpse of the sun for the entire day, she sure was full of energy, huh? 
"You're not gonna ride on the back?" 
"I am. I'm just waiting till we get a bit further away from the school. Otherwise, the teachers are gonna yell at us", she said while briskly walking away from the school premises. Though Shimamura did always sound like she was joking around when she called Hino and Nagafuji good students, I could now see that it really was the case; a delinquent such as her wouldn't have waited till we were outside of school to hop on. ...Really, the delinquent way was just so much easier. Strange. 
"What is it?" Hino asked as she looked over her shoulder, almost as if she had sensed my stare. 
"No, I was just thinking about what a good student you are." 
"Haha. Praise me more", she pretended to command me with a triumphant look on her face. We soon turned a corner, after which she immediately got on the bike. 
Her tiny hands, way lighter than Shimamura's, rested against my shoulders. 

Despite it being the afternoon on a weekday, that didn't stop the parking lot of the mall from being completely full. It wasn't just cars but bikes very similar to mine as well, making it a very difficult decision to park there. I was worried that either someone would mistake my bike for theirs and take it, or that I'd do the same to someone else. Trust me, I'd had plenty of experience of that happening at our school's parking station. 
We walked in through an entrance next to a pet shop on the first floor. As I had no other choice than to rely on Hino to guide me, I was left to simply follow her. Speaking of Hino, she was currently talking on the phone. 
"Yes, exactly. I don't really have any particular reason for it, but since I'm going there, I wanted to know if you wanted me to buy something. ...Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. How many? Five? Sure, got it." 
From the way she was talking, I could assume that the person on the other end was a family member of hers. Solely in order to act like I was doing something, I decided to check my phone too to see if I had gotten any messages. No, none whatsoever. Good. Not that texts from Shimamura had ever been that common in the first place. I honestly couldn't remember there having been any after the whole sit-up thing. ...To this day, I still wondered what the heck that'd been about. 
Inside the mall, we passed various stores, such as a cake shop with weekly rotating cakes, as well as one that sold wine. We then reached an intersection, which was where I spotted the tea shop, standing opposite to a bread store. I wasn't sure why, but when I had heard the word "tea", I'd imagined something greenish. Instead, due to all of the bags of tea on display on the shelves, the store was more on the brown side, although I suppose that could be considered a "tea colour" as well. Characters that seemed to form some super old personal name were etched onto the sign outside. "Mikuniya", or something. 
The instant we stepped inside, a store employee who'd been standing by the entrance offered me a small paper cup filled with something. That something was tea. The cup was around the height of my pinky finger and contained barely a mouthful of liquid. As such, I gulped it down without much thought. That turned out to be a big mistake, however; the tea was far hotter than I had anticipated, causing my tongue to jolt as it came into contact with it. I could feel my eyes shooting wide open as well. 
The wave of heat eventually passed, and I could finally get a sense of the taste. There was really only one word to describe it: "bitter". That was how I honestly felt, and I went as far as to state it out loud. The employee, having taken back the now-empty cup, smiled wryly at my response. 
"Thank you for your patronage", she then stated to Hino. 
"Thanks", Hino stated back, lifting her arm slightly. No sample drink had been offered to her. That, combined with the way she immediately began browsing through the shelves, gave off the impression that she was very familiar with the place. 
"You come here often?" 
"Hmm, I suppose. People from my household drink a lot, but they also don't", she answered, being purposefully vague as if to dodge my question. That expression, "household", plus the fact that she came to buy tea in the first place kinda made her feel like some proper young lady. ...Wait, was that prejudice? Anyway, Hino grabbed a basket and tossed five identical bags of tea into it. It seemed like those were the ones she'd been asked to buy earlier on the phone. On the surface of the bags were written the words "ginger tea". 
"Those seem like they'd really warm you up", I randomly stated while staring at her from the side. While remaining silent would have been the more pleasant option, I felt a weird obligation to maintain at least some level of a conversation between us. Perhaps it was due to the strange situation I found myself in today—being accompanied by someone to do shopping? 
"Hmm..." Hino groaned as she lifted up one of the bags of tea and stroked its surface with her fingers. 
"It's effective for those who are sensitive to cold, I hear. From my parents." 
"You don't drink it yourself, Hino?" 
"Nope. I'm not sensitive to cold, after all." 
Hino tossed the bag back into the basket. She then turned her head towards the shelf next to the counter, beginning her search for Shimamura's tea. That was the shelf with all the black tea. Next to it was the Chinese tea shelf. Hino's eyes bounced between the two. 
A smell caught my attention, and I quickly identified it as coming from the bottles filled with tea leaves standing below each shelf. I didn't recognize any of the brands, and so, I randomly picked one and sniffed it as a test. Not really sure why, though; I was completely out of my field here. Some tea leaves were a little more refreshing, some were a little more bitter, but other than that, they all smelled the same to me. 
Hino was also picking up bottles one by one and sniffing them. In her case, she probably was able to tell them apart by smell, huh? 
I took a step back and, for a moment, simply stared at her from behind. I then looked over my shoulder, turning my eyes towards the vast space at the other end of the aisle. 
Chairs meant for resting had been installed there, with a large, decorated Christmas tree standing in the centre of it. The electric candles wrapped around it flashed red, then blue, then yellow, and while it didn't really stand out while the sun was up, during the night, I could definitely imagine it attracting attention. The tree also had some other shiny ornaments, such as apples and stars, hanging from it. 
I vividly remembered having seen something like this in a picture book back when I'd been a child. 
Christmas drawing near, a town and its people, a great number of them walking by the tree. 
I faced forward. Then, I hung my head without having meant to do so. 
"..." 
Being completely honest for a second, it was pretty weird, wasn't it, to be so excited about going out on Christmas with another girl? 
I felt confident in saying that Christmas wasn't something that Shimamura was waiting for eagerly. She was neither excited, nor thrilled for it. No, it was just another event in her calendar. There was a massive difference in enthusiasm between us, a difference that I wasn't sure if I wanted Shimamura to know about or not. If the answer was that I didn't, the right course of action would've been to not do all these things behind her back, so perhaps I really did after all. 
And yet, I couldn't stop thinking about how that might end up widening the gap between us. I was scared. 
To put this conflict into simple terms, it was no different from unrequited love. 
"Hey, Adattsii. I want to ask you something", Hino said as she turned towards me, holding a bag of tea in her hand. 
"What?" I asked after panicking slightly and hastily lifting my head. 
"Are you the kind of person that, if someone hands you something confidently, but it turns out to be the wrong thing, you get angry?" 
"No, I don't think I'm that cruel." 
"That's good to hear. Okay, this should be it." 
Hino handed me the bag of tea she'd been gripping. It seemed that she'd had surprisingly little trouble remembering. 
The bag I received had the words "Legend of Africa" written on it. It wasn't really the sort of name that made me think of Shimamura. Was it black tea? African tea? Something like Shizuoka tea? No, probably not. 
"Wanna take these as a single payment?" Hino asked me. 
"Sure", I stated back and tossed the bag into the basked she was holding. 
Once we were out of the store, I paid Hino the money I owed her for the tea. She then pointed towards a close-by coffee shop. There weren't many customers there, and the shining, plastic ice cream cone standing outside also seemed lifeless in a way. 
"Wanna grab a quick cup of tea or something?" 
"Sure, why not." 
I did want to thank her for sticking with me for this long, and treating her to a cup of tea seemed like the perfect way to do so. 
We walked the short distance there, short enough to cross with a single hop, and stopped before the entrance. 
"I'll pay." 
I pulled out my wallet before Hino could and held it in the air, as if to show that it was my intention to pay for her drink. Her eyes shot wide open. 
"Why?" 
"As thanks for coming with me." 
"Oh! Did I just find your good side?" she praised me in the most blatant way possible. It kinda made me happy, to for once be so decisive. 
We received the drinks we'd ordered and chose our seats. It was there that I noticed it: There were four of them. Four chairs. Don't get me wrong, that itself was perfectly normal. What was weird was that the chairs were as simple as they came, like something you'd find in a middle school industrial arts class made by a student. Just basic chairs made of wood. Maybe they'd originally been meant for a different establishment, but after that place got shut down, they were repurposed here? They really gave off the appearance of being handmade. 
I could hear the chair creak as I leaned against its back—likely retrofitted by force. 
"It's kinda cold in here. My legs are freezing", Hino stated, gripping her coffee cup and lightly tapping her shoes together. Indeed, the chilly air surrounding our feet seemed completely unaffected by the indoor heating. It appeared that the reason for the low volume of customers lay silently below the tables. 
I hated hot drinks, which was the reason why I was drinking mine sip by sip while constantly blowing at it to cool it down. Even if it had been the perfect temperature, I felt that in my current state, I would still have found myself pretending to cool it down. That way, I could focus solely on the coffee and use it as an excuse for not talking. 
As I once again pressed the cup on my lips, still having said nothing, Hino suddenly pointed at me. 
"Tell me if I'm right: You're uncomfortable because we don't have anything to talk about?" 
She was right, completely right. It was like she'd read my mind. I was really amazed at first, but the more I thought about it, the less impressive it became; anyone could've figured that out based on my silence. I replied to her with a fake smile, only for it to be met by Hino's wide grin. The fact that she was able to put on such a carefree smile on a moment's notice might actually have said a lot about her character. 
"It's the same thing that happens when I come with Nagafuji. Well, in her situation, she makes less sense when she ope—" 
Hino's sentence was cut short. Her mouth remained open. She then slowly tilted her head to the right. The way her eyes moved made it seem like she was looking past me towards the street. 
I felt compelled to look over my shoulder. In the next instant, my eyes shot wide open, so wide that my eyelids hurt. 
What I saw was Shimamura, walking with Nagafuji. 
Shimamura's hand was placed on her shoulder, displaying intimacy. 
I instinctively exchanged glances with Hino. 
"So, when she said she had things to do... I see", Hino said and nodded awkwardly before propping her chin up with her arm. She looked at me, and I got the sense that she was doing so to be considerate of my feelings. Having not noticed us, Shimamura and Nagafuji quickly disappeared behind a corner. My eyes hurt. The reason for that was simple: I'd forgotten to blink. Even my eyelids were dumbfounded. 
"She told you?" 
I assumed that by "she", Hino meant Shimamura. I shook my head silently. 
Just then, I realised that I was shaking. But, why? 
They were friends, and as such, there was nothing weird about them going shopping together. That was what I was trying to convince myself of. 
And yet, I couldn't shake off the feeling that something wasn't right here. Seeing the two of them make merry right before Christmas was an impactful sight. I felt like I was one of those daruma dolls and that my body had just been smacked with a hammer made of discomfort. The illusion that I was doing alright vanished, giving way to a sense of uneasiness and anxiety. I could tell just how low my blinking rate had dropped based on the dryness of my eyes. Suddenly, Hino leaned forward and tapped my shoulder. 
"Good grief", she spoke monotonously. You could tell from her tone that she wasn't having it. "You really are a silly girl, huh?" 
"Huh? What do you mean?" I replied, utterly bewildered. I'd turned my face towards her as quickly as I could, and was now feeling a little dizzy. 
"Wanna tail them?" Hino suggested, sounding like she was both joking and not. In an instant, my mouth opened wide—way wider than I had imagined—yet my voice remained stuck in my throat. My lips pressed together and then drew apart, like those of a goldfish gasping for air. All the while, my brain was doing its best to catch up. The little girl inside me was ordering me to go. That was all the more reason for me to refuse. 
"Let's not. It looks like they're busy." 
The second that sentence left my mouth, I realised with just how much malice I had uttered the word "busy", and felt pretty disgusted with myself as a result. It was perfectly normal for Shimamura to be with other people. If anything, you would've expected her to do it more. So then, why was my heart so restless? In truth, I didn't even want to follow her, but rather, run up to her and silently stand next to her. While Hino was definitely acting calmer than I was, I got the sense that she shared my sentiment, at least to some extent. A certain sensation stood out. It was that of something brushing down both of our heads. 
"You really are a good student, huh, Adattsii?" Hino said, poking fun at me with a faint smile on her face. 
I really wished that I would've thanked her for today before the atmosphere turned into this, because now, I'd missed my chance. 
A mixture of emotions rushing through my head, I gulped down my coffee and left the mall. 
Had Hino followed me to the parking lot, or had we separated before that? I really couldn't remember. 

My finger moved towards the screen of my phone, then away from it, then back towards it. 

"Why were you with Nagafuji?" 
The sentence I had written felt really high-handed. Especially the "why" part. 
Those words perfectly encapsulated what was really going on in my heart, and I hated it. 
Deep down, I knew what this was: I was jealous. 
In all likelihood, she'd just had some fun with her. That was probably all there was to it. And yet, I felt like I'd been betrayed. I'd gone and gotten my feelings hurt all by myself. Here I was, questioning her even though she'd done nothing wrong. I knew that I shouldn't be doing this, and yet, my heart did nothing in the way of banishing those thoughts. 
I found myself conflicted. On one hand, I wanted to ask her so badly that it hurt, but on the other, I was unsure whether or not I was in a position where I could. Was it okay for me to meddle in her personal matters? 
Let's say that I decided to go out with Hino or someone without Shimamura's permission... No, that was a bad way to put it. Let's go with "without telling her". Anyway, even if I did that, I doubt that she'd really think much about it. I could easily imagine her just saying something like "Oh, that's rare" and moving on. This was all to say, if Shimamura would move past it that easily, then I needed to do so too. ...Wait, why did I? 
What was I to Shimamura? 
I'd been about to get totally carried away, and it was that question that helped me cool down a little. 
I tossed my phone away and collapsed on my bed. Though my hair was still wet from the bath I had just taken, I felt no desire to get up, and instead simply lay there, stretching out my arms. I grabbed the bag of tea that I had placed next to my pillow. 
It'd been kindly gift wrapped by the cashier. Apparently, Hino had arranged that. 
As I stared at it, I could feel the storm of emotions within my heart melt in the flames that filled it. 
I was Shimamura's friend. That was all there was to it. I had to realise it. 
What hubris had it been to assume that I was the only one, the only one who went out with her, the only one who was around her. Somewhere deep in my mind, I really had managed to convince myself of that. It'd been a massive misunderstanding, and the fact that it hurt me really showed off my mistakes. No matter how excited I got, those feelings were always one-sided. 
"Regret..." 
Something resembling black charcoal still floated around in my heart. It'd been there since school ended, and little by little, I was trying to crunch it down. 
Though it was thick and tasted bitter, I felt I wouldn't be able to fall asleep before it was gone. 
...Alright, I'd finished eating it. Now then, it was time to start over. 
Shimamura and I were normal friends. I might have wished for something different, but at the present, this was how things were. 
In addition, I didn't want to close the distance between us in one go. No, it needed to be one step at a time. 
That's what yesterday, today, and tomorrow were for. That's what Christmas was for. 
However, there were also facts that I had to stay very aware of. 
For example, the closer you became to someone, the less you could hide from them. 
It was similar to sticking your hand too close to a fire and getting burned. You always had to be careful how much you let the other person know. 
If Christmas was just a pretence, what was I truly trying to convey to Shimamura? 
Affection? ...No, no. Love? No, no, no! 
Whatever it was, it was warm. Warm liquid pouring into my chest. 
Though she might find it burning hot right now, if I were to place it on her hands, would she eventually begin thinking of it as pleasantly warm? 
"Shimamura..." 
Simply whispering out her name filled my chest with warmth. 
I felt like it was the echo of that word, "Shimamura", that would help me survive the winter this year.