Toradora! - Volume 10 - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Once the hot shower poured over his head, all the muscles in his body that felt like they had frozen finally regained their normal mobility. Ryuuji thoroughly wiped himself down with a towel and took a breath. He would have to deal with everything else starting from here, but at least his life wasn’t in danger anymore.

“Done with your shower?” Kitamura’s voice came from the changing area.

“Yeah,” he answered. Ryuuji wrapped the towel around his hips and stuck his face out through the door.

“Things are pretty much half-dried, but I’m prioritizing your underwear and socks for now. The rest of your clothes…well…I think they’ll take a while… Hmmmmm…” Kitamura patted down Ryuuji’s jeans, which were spread out on a stranger’s washing machine. He grabbed the hair dryer again. “I guess I’ll put it back in for a little longer.”

“No, no, this is fine,” said Ryuuji. “I can wear this.”

He lowered his head and made a cutting motion with his hand, giving thanks like a professional sumo wrestler. Even though Kitamura had also walked through the snow without a coat and been chilled to the bone, Ryuuji had heard the sound of the hair dryer the whole time he was showering.

His clothes probably wouldn’t be so easily dried, since they had been fully submerged in the just-about-freezing water of the river, but the underwear that Kitamura handed him was definitely warm and dry, just as he said.

“Ahh…I feel like I’ve just gotten back to normal. They were so sopping wet that they were sticking to my butt this whole time, and it felt so gross.” Ryuuji squirmed to put them on under the bath towel he had wrapped around his hips and nodded.

“You’re changing like a girl about to get into a pool,” Kitamura blurted out. 

Ryuuji tried to laugh it off. “What…huh…?”

As he thought for a second, his eyes opened wide. A girl about to get into a pool? Yeah, I love that. It’s a delicacy—like eating something that pops against your teeth—was not what he was thinking. His close friend had just suddenly become terrifying.

“Have you been peeking on girls while they were changing?!”

“What could have put that into your head?” Kitamura pulled off his glasses, which were fogged from the humidity, and wiped them clean. “When I was in elementary school, we didn’t have a locker room, so all the boys and girls changed together in the classroom.”

“Oh, that’s all… I was actually really scared for a sec. Actually, don’t watch me like that. Unlike you, I’m shy about being naked.”

“I’m not looking, I’m not. See, I’m not?” Kitamura stood imposingly in front of Ryuuji and seemed to purposefully lower his glasses, opening his eyes wide. You idiot! That’s Haruta level! Ryuuji retorted, and they joked about for a bit as he finished getting dressed.

“I wonder if Aisaka’s changed?”

“Her…her hair was all waterlogged, so probably not yet.”

They turned their eyes to the ceiling and were both briefly silent. Taiga, who had been sopping wet like Ryuuji, should be using Ami’s bath on the second floor in Ami’s room.

As the snow continued to fall, Ryuuji had run with his friends to the Kawashimas’ house, an attractive, tiled, two-story building built upon extensive grounds. Ami’s father’s older brother and his wife lived on the first floor, while the second floor had been divided into four side-by-side studios. Ami said she was using one as her own. She lived alone in the studio but ate her meals in the main house. She said the point of it was that it was like a kid’s room but with more space.

No one was in the main house, so Ami let the boys into the first floor, and the girls went upstairs. Instead of stealthily escorting them through like thieves, Ami gave them a proper tour of the downstairs, like she’d invited friends over and wanted them to have a good look around. The recessed ceiling bathed the patterned sofa in warm light as she pointed out each of her family members’ places. Some cushions, a cardigan, and a magazine had been left lying around somewhat untidily. It looked comfortable. He could see traces of the inhabitants’ well-off status and excellent taste in the things lying around. 

Using the bath would leave obvious traces, Ryuuji told Ami, but she had easily answered, “I can just tell them that I used it. You can use whichever towels you want, too.”

This house must have been a saving grace for Ami after she ran away from her own parents’ house because of the whole stalker commotion, whether she realized it or not.

“If Kawashima’s uncle and the others come back and see us here, they’ll think we’re breaking in, won’t they? And we’ll seem like a pair of violent thieves that were even shameless enough to take a bath…” Standing on the thick bath mat, which felt nice under his feet, Ryuuji looked around, unsettled. He saw pristine and matching towels, makeup, a razor, toothbrushes, and toothpaste—no matter how cozy the place was, he was in the middle of running away. He couldn’t stay here for long.

In a hurry, he stuck his legs into his still cold and damp jeans, without caring how they felt, and even put on his T-shirt and parka. He still had no idea what to expect.

“You’re probably fine for tonight. I asked Ami about it, but the Mr. and Mrs. seem to have already left for night duties.”

“They’re working at night? Are they doctors or something?” Ryuuji roughly brushed up his wet hair, trying to banish the face of his mother, who also worked. 

“The husband works at a college hospital. The wife is a nurse and caregiver, so it seems like she works in other places. They don’t come back until morning, so that’s as much relief we could have asked for…but the issue is my place. She’s still there. That person.” Kitamura once again took off the glasses that he couldn’t seem to unfog and then used the hem of his shirt to wipe the lenses. 

Ryuuji fiddled with the switch of the dryer in his hand. “Calling her ‘that person’…makes her sound like some ridiculous mastermind or something.”

“She looked like one. Kind of a like a final boss.”

“She did make a surprise entrance. Did she come in a Porsche?”

“She did. Um, and how do I put this, she was pregnant, too.”

When Taiga’s mother had showed up at the Kitamuras’ place, Kitamura had apparently told her, “I know somewhere they might be. I’ll bring them back, so please wait here,” and just left. He’d contacted Ami and Minori, and they had run around town looking for Ryuuji and Taiga.

In other words, it seemed Taiga’s mother was at the Kitamuras’ house at that moment. Kitamura had already gotten several calls from home on his cell. 

“If my mom mentions Ami’s name, they might come searching here, but… Well, if it comes to that, we can pretend no one’s home.” Kitamura’s naked eyes seemed larger than ever as he squinted and then smiled.

“I’m…really sorry.”

Ryuuji had only just come to the realization that he’d ended up pulling the people around him into this mess. Despite his gallant and self-important proclamations of fighting, and running, and loving Taiga, he was causing his friends trouble. He was causing them worry and needing their help.

He rubbed at his eyes and turned his face down. He and Taiga had finally gotten their feelings through to each other, but the world where they were tied together by their resolve and infatuated with each other couldn’t exist without others inconveniencing themselves to help. 

Maybe if they just hadn’t fallen into the river—but even then, they’d still have been at a standstill. The meager change they had between them wouldn’t even cover bus fare. Maybe if Taiga hadn’t dropped her money—but how far and how long could they even go with just twenty-four thousand yen? They might have been able to hide out the rest of the week at a cheap place, but he wouldn’t even know how to find a place like that. The police would have gotten involved, and their friends would still have searched for them, worried about them, and run around in the snow.

Was it better this way? Maybe this was actually the only thing they could have done?

“It wasn’t supposed to go this way…”

Then how should it have gone, instead? If the god of fortune had asked him that, Ryuuji wouldn’t have known how to respond.

“But, but, it’s kind of like I really… Taiga and I really didn’t want it to happen like this—”

“It’s okay.” Kitamura shook his head broadly. “I did all that stuff with the bleached hair and everything, remember? Well, this isn’t a give-and-take kind of situation. I’ll never forget what you did for me, of course, but I’m not doing this ’cause I owe you.”

His friend’s words, which echoed in the herbal fragrance faintly wandering through the bright changing room, certainly seemed genuine. But just because Kitamura believed it was true didn’t mean that Ryuuji could accept it. Not yet.

There was something he was hung up on. This long, complex equation had been wrong from the outset, and the wrongness of blindly obeying it stuck in his craw. Ryuuji felt like plunging his finger down his throat and throwing it all up, but he couldn’t even do that.

“According to what you guys said earlier, her mother’s going to take Aisaka away, right?” said Kitamura. “Even though Aisaka doesn’t want to go—Aisaka said she was going to be kidnapped right before our eyes. In that case, this isn’t just you guys’ problem anymore. Aisaka is our friend, too. I can’t just stand by while she’s in trouble. And you’re also my friend. If a friend is being torn away from a friend he cares for, then I’ll do anything to help them both.”

He had no hesitation, no indecision, no pretensions.

“There’s something you and Aisaka finally, actually, really figured out too, right?”

Ryuuji nodded, because he wanted to answer Kitamura’s words with the truth. Even though it wasn’t all within his grasp yet, he wanted to convey everything that he could see in his heart as words. “I don’t want to leave Taiga’s side…”

He pushed up his hair, which had stuck coldly to his cheek from the shower, and awkwardly and earnestly moved his lips.

“Because I love her.”

He realized that his toes, which had just finally warmed up, were starting to get cold. He stooped over to put on his socks. His body staggered stiffly. It hadn’t been easy to get to where he was now.

Kitamura must have understood that, too.

The feelings Taiga had once had for Kitamura absolutely weren’t fake. And the unreachable feelings within Ryuuji that shook his heart so intensely, the times he’d wished for things to go well between Taiga and Kitamura—and the times he’d wished they wouldn’t—weren’t fake, either. The feelings that continually drew him closer to Kushieda Minori weren’t fake. Not a single one of those feelings had been wrong. They’d been real, and they’d lived in all the moments that had passed with as much power as they could.

They’d lived, and survived, and finally made it here, but it hadn’t been an easy path. They were bruised and battered all over, but they were still moving toward the future, Ryuuji thought.

And for the foreseeable future, his feelings were dedicated to Taiga.

“Then don’t let her go.” Kitamura said curtly in his resonant voice, putting his silver-framed glasses firmly back on his face. “Fight to protect her with everything you’ve got.”

He was certain Kitamura was his fellow in arms, but the worry clouding Ryuuji’s heart still swirled darkly. He had pulled his friend into his own battlefield, and he still didn’t know whether that was right or wrong.

“It’s just,” he said, “I kind of feel like…there’s something wrong with the way I’m fighting.”

“Just think it through,” said Kitamura. “I’m definitely going to be here for you.”

Ryuuji finished drying his hair while Kitamura waited in silence. His face, reflected in the mirror, looked strangely firm and tense. He looked like a frightened member of the yakuza on the run—no, he looked like a scared little animal.

He stuck his feet into his wet sneakers. They locked the main house with the key they had borrowed and then headed to Ami’s room on the second floor. When they knocked, Ami’s voice called to them: “It’s open, come in!” 

They went inside.

“Well, this is practically a rock. This is too hard to be considered food.”

“What did you put in it? What’re you trying to do?”

“That’s weird… I just melted them and let them set…”

“That’s some miraculous chemistry you’ve accomplished. The cacao must be surprised, too.”

“This stuff is practically a weapon now. You could assassinate two or three people with this.”

“That’s so weird, why’d they turn out like this?”

The three girls had buried themselves deep under the blanketed and heated kotatsu, and were in a heated discussion over the homemade chocolates Taiga had made and given to Ami. Ryuuji could see three sets of teeth marks standing out on the sweets.

Turning to Ryuuji and Kitamura, Minori’s forehead wrinkled as she said, “This is kind of ridiculous. I wanted something sweet, so I tried biting into one, but none of our teeth are a match for them. They’re confections unfit for consumption. No, that’s not quite right; they’re consumptions unfit for confection.”

Ami continued after her, “Ugh! Takasu-kun, you’ve got river stink! That river’s definitely dirty~!”

“Of course it’s dirty. It’s stagnant if you look at it in the daylight. Ah, my twenty-four thousand yen is still sunk, too…” Taiga looked cute in a velour tracksuit that she probably borrowed from Ami. “If I had just put some effort into it, I wonder if I could have found it?” 

“What are you… What an idiotic thing to say… Actually, what’re you doing going off and borrowing nice clothes?!”

“Well, I think they’d be too small for you, Ryuuji.”

“I’m fine without them! What happened to the clothes you were wearing?!”

They’re right there. Shoulder deep in the heated table, Taiga used her chin to gesture to a corner of the room. Her coat was at least on a hanger, but the rest of her clothes were stuffed into a plastic bag and still wet.

“Ahhhh…!” Surging waves of reality drowned Ryuuji. The wet clothes Taiga had taken off and cast aside would gradually rot with the certain flow of time. Time, that was ticking even now.

“Don’t just stand there. Get under the table. You, too, Yuusaku. You can get in if you sit next to each other, can’t you?” Ami pulled up the open side of the table blanket for them.

Most of the furniture in the room was made up of steel racks, piled recklessly with all kinds of things—a small TV, a heap of magazines, a stereo for an iPod, and even brand-name bags. Ami’s room felt like a temporary rental.

“Where…do you sleep? You don’t have a bed.”

“I have a foldable futon. When I bring out the heated table, I put it away in the closet where it’s supposed to go.”

“You don’t even have a desk to study at.”

“Of course I do, it’s this one here.”

Still snugly buried in the kotatsu, Ami hit its surface with the palm of her hand. For having no bed or desk, I’m surprised she always looks so put together, Ryuuji thought. “It’s fine. My parents’ house is actually really nice—wait, she’s already asleep.”

Next to her, Taiga was burrowed in all the way, curled up with the top of her head pushed against Minori’s hip, and snoring.

“She must be exhausted. Just leave her alone for a while.”

At Kitamura’s words, Ami pulled away her hands, which had been just about to shake Taiga’s shoulders. They all ended up silent for a while, listening to Taiga’s breathing as she slept. Eventually, Minori opened her mouth first.

“So, I didn’t get to ask this when Taiga was talking just earlier, but…” Voice lowered, she fidgeted with the cord of her parka, staring at the discarded peel of a mandarin that someone had eaten and left on top of the table. “Why is the situation with Taiga’s mom so hostile? Does Taiga not like the person her mom married? We’re sure that Taiga doesn’t like her mom…right?”

“Well, of course.” Giving Minori’s profile a sidelong glance, Ami answered in Taiga’s place. “First off, she stuck by her dad after the divorce. No matter whose fault the divorce was, girls would normally follow their moms, wouldn’t they? But that didn’t happen—you say you’re her best friend, but it looks like you don’t actually know much about Tiger.”

“It’s because I once… I once got in a fight with Taiga about that guy. About her dad. Even after we made up, I didn’t feel like I could really bring up her family.”

Ryuuji remembered something odd. During Christmas, Taiga had declared she would be a good girl and sent her father and his new wife presents, but now that he thought about it, he didn’t remember there being anything addressed to her mom. She hadn’t even known her mother was pregnant. And even when she had been horribly betrayed by her father at the culture festival, even after she attacked Kanou Sumire and got suspended, Taiga had never asked her mother for help. Even when she got hurt during the school trip, she never asked for her mom to come.

He didn’t know whether she didn’t want to ask for help or just hadn’t been able to ask, but regardless, the rift in their mother-daughter relationship might have been much, much, much deeper than he originally thought.

“So basically, Tiger’s running away so she won’t be separated from Takasu-kun. If she goes with her mom, she’ll be taken from him. I’ll only say this because she’s asleep, but…” Ami took a quick glance at the unmoving back of Taiga’s head and lowered her voice. “Things turned out this way because you decided to do this too, Takasu-kun, but to be blunt… Don’t think what you’re trying to do is that realistic.”

But I’m here, Ryuuji thought as he watched Ami’s expression, though he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. He existed because Yasuko actually had done something unrealistic in the past. Yasuko had gotten pregnant, run away from home, had him, and cut off all contact with her parents for the next eighteen years, raising Ryuuji alone. 

High school student or not, if someone set their heart on running away, it could be done. Ryuuji’s existence itself was proof of that. 

Ami, of course, didn’t know that. She continued to speak. 

“Even if you actually got away and got married, is that really going to be happily ever after? Takasu-kun, it’s nice that you and Tiger have decided to live together, but—how do I put this? You keep saying you’re adults, but you’re kind of throwing the actual adults to the wolves? Like—are you really going to cut ties with Taiga’s mother forever? Isn’t that kind of childish? It’s like you’re saying that as long as things go your way, you’ve won.”

Unable to retort, Ryuuji dropped his eyes to his own fingertips. She had a point. Still, he couldn’t help but recall his life with Yasuko. She regretted the things she’d done, and she was trying to use Ryuuji to salve her own conscience. Was it so wrong for him to want to run from that? 

Maybe everything would have been fine if he’d just kept in mind what was convenient for everyone else, swallowed his own desires, and behaved how the people surrounding him expected him to. But the adults in his life had manipulated him for their own convenience, and once he realized that, it became difficult to answer to their expectations. He didn’t want to just cut ties with them like Ami said, of course, but he didn’t want them to control him, either. If he and Taiga didn’t break free of their grip, they’d never be able to live as they wished. 

He knew this meant they might end up having to quit school and find jobs. He might never see Yasuko again. He didn’t want that to happen, but he knew it was wrong to expect her to feed two mouths.

“If Takasu and Aisaka are prepared to go through with this, I’ll support them with everything I’ve got. I’ll do anything for them,” Kitamura muttered. 

Since the table was cramped and had become uncomfortably hot, he had moved away to sit on Ami’s exercise ball. His eyes met with Ryuuji’s, and Kitamura shrugged, trying to hide his embarrassment.

“When you said you’d figure out a way to get married, it made me genuinely happy. This definitely isn’t how it usually goes, and you’re moving too fast according to how the world works, but who cares?!” Kitamura grandiosely raised both arms in the air without so much as wobbling on the exercise ball. “Kushieda said that she’d choose her own happiness for herself, didn’t she? I’m going to do the same. I’m going to choose my own happiness. Takasu, Aisaka, you just have to go for it! Even if you’re beat and have no idea what’s coming next, even if things are a mess, it’s fine! You just need to be happy!”

“That’s not a majority vote,” Ami said, raising the pointer fingers on both her hands. “One nay. One yay. Kushieda, this is the decisive vote. What do you think?”

Minori, who had been fidgeting with the mandarin skin, stopped for a moment. She put the palm of her hand in front of Ami’s face, trying to say, wait a sec. With her other hand, she hid her own lowered face.

“Kushieda…” Ryuuji looked at her. Maybe even Minori couldn’t find the words when she was cornered like this. Ami pouted her lips slightly and, like Ryuuji, stooped to look up at Minori’s face.

“Bwah ha!”

“Bwah haaa!”

The two of them burst out laughing.

“Sah-rry…it hwas too bwhig…” Minori had stuck the whole peeled mandarin into her mouth. Orange fruit juice dripped down her chin as she tried to desperately to swallow. “Hwai a sec, hwai a sec.” 

Like a snake swallowing a mouse whole, her neck writhed painfully, and then finally, the mandarin descended.

“Ahhh, that was a shock… My mouth’s way smaller than I thought…”

She drank some tea and steadied her breath. Then, as though she had decided what she wanted to say way earlier…

“Anyway,” she said as she looked at Taiga, who was fast asleep. “I think it’s absurd for Taiga to be taken away against her will. I can’t accept that. I don’t want to be separated from Taiga. I don’t want Taiga to be sad. I don’t want Takasu-kun to be sad, either. I don’t want that—but I don’t think that’s right, either. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that’s right. I don’t think we can decide what’s absolutely right or wrong for someone else to do. It’s just that I want my friends whom I care about and who mean so much to me, Taiga and Takasu-kun, not to suffer. So, that’s what I choose. I agree that they should escape.”

“I can’t believe you’re phrasing it like that!” Flustered, Ami raised her voice. “It’s not like I wouldn’t be sad about Tiger disappearing! I want to do something about it! But, but, I just end up thinking about whether that’s the best thing for the future! Aren’t you thinking about that?!”

“I know what you want to say, Ahmin, but there’s one thing you don’t know. Taiga’s parents are, at their core—”

—terrible.

That was probably what she wanted to say, Ryuuji thought as he watched Minori’s mouth while she faltered momentarily. She’d hesitated at the last minute to condemn her best friend’s parents, which might have been the correct decision.

Taiga’s small shoulders emerged from under the table blanket, though they weren’t sure when she had woken up. She combed out her soft hair, which was so long it tangled around her face and shoulders, with her fingers as she got up.

“Minorin… Don’t finish that thought.”

Just like all the times they’d horsed around and messed with each other, Taiga rubbed her head into Minori’s shoulder. As if taking her temperature, Minori held her hand to her own forehead and bit her lip for a moment, looking regretful. Eventually, she nodded slightly. 

I’m sorry, really. Her whisper reached Ryuuji’s ears.

“I get why Dimhuahua is worried about us.” Taiga’s face was bright red from the heat of the table. Even the rims of her eyes were dyed red. “And also, my mo…that hag…that woman…my mother came here to help me, I know. I think she’s trying to go through with her responsibilities as a parent. But when my mom divorced my dad, she left me behind and went to that man. I can’t forget that. She’s going to have a baby with a guy she loves whom she got to choose, and I’m just some guy’s kid who didn’t need a mother… I can’t ever expect her to love me the way that I want, even if she came to help me, because if I expect anything from her, she’ll leave me. I’ve learned that from it happening over and over—that I’ll never have the things I want. I’ve been trained and broken in with all that word implies, I think. But—”

Despite the painful words, Taiga smiled slightly. She looked at Ami, Kitamura, and Minori, and then her gaze met with Ryuuji’s.

“…you fall in love with a certain boy. You like that he’s kind and understands you, and being with him is fun, and you can’t leave him—it’s like an addiction. He’s kind of weird, but you like his voice and the way he talks, the way he opens his mouth when he eats. You like his hands and his fingers and his lips… Actually, who cares about all of that?”

You really don’t care, Minori teased. Yeah, who cares, Taiga nodded. Kitamura went silent, and wrinkles appeared on Ami’s forehead.

“But I wanted to always see him. I aaaalways wanted to remember him and this whooole time just seeing him would make my heart race, but I’d still look. When I was near him, the inside of my head would feel like—bam—like it was exploding and everything would go white… I don’t know when it started to be like that, but I just couldn’t help it. I thought I needed it to stop. I had to stop because that guy liked someone else. And then it was also because that girl also liked that guy. I pretended it was out of friendship and loyalty, but the real reason I wanted to turn my eyes away was because I thought that I wasn’t allowed to want things. If I wanted something, it would break. Ryuuji didn’t like me, and I didn’t want to be jealous of Minorin, and if I reached out to grab it, I thought that everything would magically go to ruin—it’s kind of stupid, but I really thought that.” Taiga spoke all at once, still breathing shallowly. “I still kind of think that, even now. Since I couldn’t stop and tried to actually get Ryuuji, maybe I caused the Aisaka family’s ruin. I wonder if it’s my fault?”

“’Course not!”

“Like it would be!”

“Of course it ain’t!”

“Are you an idiot?!”

As the last of the four people’s worth of retorts finished, Minori decided to suddenly blind Taiga by poking her in the eyes. “Oh…I went harder than I meant to… Sorry… What should I do…” 

Taiga covered her eyes and went facedown on the table. “Well, but that doesn’t matter anymore,” she said in a muffled voice. “I’m going to fight, too. I want to be with Ryuuji, so if my world self-destructs because of that, no matter where I am, I’ll survive. I absolutely won’t lose. I won’t give up on Ryuuji. And I won’t give up on Minorin or Kitamura-kun…or Dimhuahua, either. Because I love you. No matter what mass destruction comes, no matter where I am, I won’t stop loving anyone.”

Ryuuji thought about what to say. What words would be strong and certain enough to convey his resolve to Taiga and everyone else? He thought and then spoke like he had thoroughly reflected on what he would say. 

“Then you’re…declaring your love at the epicenter of the world…”

Takasu…

Takasu-kun…

Takasu-kun…

You…

Was it cold because of the snowy weather, because he had fallen into a river, or because of the temperature of the air filling the room? The cold silence lasted a good five seconds. 

“Waaaaaaaaaahhhh… That’s so grosssssssssssssss…”

“Was it actually bad enough to make you cry??”

Ami had started to cry fat tears. Ryuuji thought she was probably being provocative, as usual, but she looked back at him with hard, reddened eyes.

“I can’t stand thiiiiiiiiisssssss… Ahh, I want my moooooooooooooom…”

“Was it really that bad…?”

Ami stood up. “You can have this, so hurry up and just goooooooooooooo!”

“Oh…!”

She took one of the keys from a Louis Vuitton key case on the steel rack and threw it over to Ryuuji. He barely caught it. He remembered that old and yellowing key from somewhere. “Is this…the villa’s?”

“It is.” Blowing her nose, Ami breathed in. She gently wiped away the tears on her face. “There isn’t any electricity. They turned off the gas. If you open the stopcock on the meter box, you’ll be able to use the water, but it’ll track how much you used.”

He looked at Taiga’s face. Taiga also looked at Ryuuji as though reluctant. He hesitated, but…

“We can’t borrow this… Of course, this is—”

“Then what are you going to do? Like this is the time to act all high and mighty.” When he tried to return the key, Ami put her hands behind her back to say she wouldn’t take it. “You decided that you’re running, right? Then you’ve got to be bold about it! No one’s saying you’ll live there forever or anything! Even if you take a part-time job, you need a place to live, don’t you?! You don’t have to go, but you can at least take it as insurance!”

How much trouble would Ami be in if her parents found out? Thinking over all the possibilities, Ryuuji was still unable to put that key in his pocket. He was immobile, like a robot whose battery had died down. If the police got involved and people found out that Ami offered them a place to hide, then wouldn’t she end up in as much trouble as the ones who had run away? 

She was probably actually prepared for that, too. Ami was a person whose heart was always passionately swayed by the power of ever-tremendous affection.

But was this really okay?

“Oh…” Kitamura said, looking at his phone. “‘At least send us a message. We are very worried.’ …It’s from my mom. Time’s almost up for me tonight. They might even come here. Should we leave now, you two?”

“If you’re headed to Ahmin’s villa, you might be too late to take the train. When we went during the summer, I looked up the schedule, but I think the route ended pretty early in the evening. If you leave now…”

“Ryuuji and I don’t have any money.”

“I’ll lend you some,” Ami said. “Oh, but you actually might not be able to make the train. Wait a sec, I’m pretty sure you can check the schedule on your phone.”

“No…it’s fine, you don’t have to check,” Ryuuji told Ami, who’d pulled out her phone, and he looked at Taiga. “Taiga, let’s go back home one last time. I’ll get some money. Tomorrow, you come to school. Tell your mom you want to at least show your face one last time to your class. You think you can come?”

“I’m not sure… She said that she would send in my school withdrawal through the mail…but if I say that I want to hand it over to my homeroom teacher in person, then maybe… What are you going to tell Ya-chan?”

Ryuuji hesitated for a moment. If he went home, would Yasuko be there? He’d heard that only Taiga’s mother was at Kitamura’s house, so maybe she’d gone home alone after she had her argument with him. Maybe she had gone to work.

“She’s probably at work, so I don’t think she’ll be home though…”

If she was at home, then what would he do? What would he say? Was it better for him to say nothing and just disappear the next day from school?

“You have to make sure you apologize for what you said to Ya-chan earlier and take it back. And then, talk to her about what we’re doing and make sure she understands. I’m sure that Ya-chan will actually get it. She’ll help us.”

She wouldn’t, Ryuuji thought. She wouldn’t understand, and she wouldn’t help them, but he couldn’t just say that to Taiga. 

When they all went out the front, the snow had stopped. Here and there, the asphalt showed through one to two centimeters of white. It might have been because the temperature had increased slightly, but it melted under their shoes as they passed.

They all immediately noticed the black Porsche that appeared at the crosswalk a short walk from Ami’s house. The car, with its low height and unique shape, glided to a stop on the shoulder of the road. Taiga’s mother emerged, leaving the engine running.

She walked up to Taiga.

“Juicy Couture.”

She grabbed the nape of the parka Taiga had borrowed from Ami and turned it over to look at the tag. Her gaze looked heartless, her eyes light grey even in the darkness.

“Kawashima-san? Which of you is her? Would that be you?” Her eyes glided over Ryuuji, Kitamura, and Minori, coming to a stop at Ami. “This is quite expensive. We’ll buy it from you.”

“What? Uh, you don’t need to! Please don’t worry about it~!” Ami waved her hands in her usual good-girl act, but there was no hesitation in Taiga’s mother as she pulled her wallet from her small clutch. She moved with dexterity that made one think of the assertive smoothness of a sports car. 

“This should be enough, shouldn’t it?”

“Um, I really… Actually, my parents bought me that, so—”

“Then please relay this to your parents.”

She forced Ami to take fifty thousand yen. Ryuuji didn’t know whether that was a reasonable amount, but it was like this cancelled out Ami trying to lend out the clothes. With that, it would be like no trace of Taiga was left behind.

It was almost like a mother fox trying to erase all evidence of her child from around their abandoned nest hole, dusting over footprints, trampling and kicking the dirt in order to not even leave a scent.

“We’re going.”

Taiga turned around, looking anxious. She looked at Kitamura, the boy who had, day after day, supported her. Whom she continued to see as someone to look up to, who had made her heart flutter.

She looked at Ami. They had been rivals, opposed each other, gotten in arguments, hit and kicked each other, and without realizing it, they had grown close. 

She looked at Minori. She looked at the face of the girl she adored.

Then, she looked at the face of her only love in the whole world.

“H-have a good life.”

Ryuuji, unknown to himself, was trembling slightly as he listened to the words Taiga sent him off with. Though he knew that it was an act, that this was just a temporary parting, it was terrifying. If this was really the last time they would say goodbye to each other, what would he do? 

He waved his hand and answered, “Yeah,” holding back the urge to start running.

Should he follow after her? If he let her go, if this was going to be their last goodbye, would it be better if he grabbed her hand and just ran for it?

But the car door made a loud clunk as it closed. He couldn’t see inside because of the tinted windows. Taiga and her mom drove away.

Even Minori had started moving as if to go after her but sensed in the leap of Ryuuji’s breathing next to her that they should hold back.

“It’ll be fine, right…” Kitamura let a few words spill out.

“It’ll be fine. I’m sure. Because Tiger is pretending like she’s going with her, but she’s really here with us.”

Minori nodded at what Ami said.

***

If Yasuko had gone to work, the lack of shoes at the front entrance, the coldness and darkness of an empty house, the closed curtains, and the silence that seemed to seep into the bottom of his feet would have all been ordinary. Possibly because of the snow, however, Ryuuji slowly turned his head.

The first sign things were out of place came from the birdcage not being in its normal spot.

He looked into his own room and Yasuko’s, checking that the birdcage really was gone. Forgetting to even change his damp clothes, he went right and left through the two-bedroom apartment. He tried calling the store. In the middle of telling them he was Yasuko’s son, they asked him, “How’s your mom doing? Do you know how long she’ll be out for?” and he knew that she hadn’t gone to work. He put down the phone and thought of asking the landlady. Then, for the first time, he noticed the thing left in the middle of the low table.

On the note, which bore the squirrel-shaped trademark of a phone shop, was an address.

The name of the closest station was written on it, and even a phone number. Next to it was the watch he’d worn to the Christmas party.

“…”

His throat made a strange sound.

The situation was no longer I’ll run away from home and abandon Yasuko. It was no longer about whether that was okay. It was no longer about whether that was how adults did things. He needn’t have worried about those things.

He was the one who’d been abandoned.

“Uh—”

They really were exactly alike, mother and son. The one who was quicker to run was the winner, and the one who got left behind was the loser. 

Ryuuji dropped to his knees, or rather, didn’t have the willpower left to stand. Before he realized it, he was sitting on the tatami mats. He didn’t even know what he was looking at, what he was listening to, what he was doing, or what he was thinking as he took several drawn-out breaths. 

Am I really starting from here again?

He had no idea where those short words he had assembled into one phrase had come from. Am I really starting from here again? He just kept repeating that. Am I really starting from here again? He forgot to blink. He was exhausted and worn out, but he was starting again—his spine felt like it was being crushed one vertebra at a time—he couldn’t even move his fingertips.

Tick, tick, tick. He realized the watch was making a faint sound. 

“Ah ahhhh, ahhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!”

Thrown with terrific force, the watch hit the sliding door and stopped. Ryuuji knocked over the table, grabbing the overturned legs to stand back up. He threw it against the wall. He punched the tatami mats with both hands. He held his head and scratched at his face, and since he had nothing in reach to hit anymore, he punched his own thighs.

“Why did this happen?! You can’t be serious, you’ve got to be kidding, you’ve got to be kidding! You’ve! Got! To! Be! Kidding! Am I supposed to start over again?! Is it going…to keep going…like this…?!”

His voice seemed to go shrill as he writhed and yelled and clawed at himself. “Taiga…Taiga! Taigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Come, please be with me, he cried out, like a baby, though his cries would never reach her. Ryuuji rolled over on the tatami mats.

Maybe this was the “mass destruction” Taiga had spoken of? If you acquired something, something would be taken from you in return. If you desired something, everything you loved would be destroyed. This was what that meant. But did he even have the right to be so hurt by his mother abandoning him? He’d been planning to abandon her himself, after all.

In a way, he was in exactly the situation he hoped for. He’d gotten his wish.

“Taiga…”

Ryuuji once again called that name, covered his face, and buried his head in his knees. 

The sliding door had once been patched with a flower made from the love letter that Taiga wrote for Kitamura. She’d knocked the hole through the door back in the spring, when she first raided the house. Though it had looked a bit shabby, that sakura-colored patch had had a kind of sweetness to it. It seemed to match their old house, and he actually really liked it. That was why, even though he had several opportunities to fix it, after everything was said and done, Ryuuji had created excuses to continue leaving it as is. 

But now it was caved in, busted through by the watch he’d thrown. Another trace of Taiga’s presence was erased. 

He imagined taking Taiga’s small hand and the two of them running away as far as they needed to go. They would run and run, escaping from the crumbling and cracking ground that followed on their heels. But if they did that, would the whole world just end up being destroyed? 

Ryuuji coughed. When it came to just deserts, this one was well prepared. Yasuko, who abandoned her parents, had now abandoned Ryuuji. If that hadn’t happened, then Ryuuji would have abandoned Yasuko. Any kid Ryuuji might go on to have was sure to abandon him too, if Ryuuji didn’t abandon them first. 

Taiga had also been abandoned by her parents and would now abandon them in turn. Her future kids would abandon her. It would be a cycle of abandonment, absent of love or affection. 

Slowly, Ryuuji came to a realization. Being abandoned by Yasuko wasn’t what really hurt—it was what the abandonment had revealed to him. Seeing not just the betrayal happening right now, but the ones in the past and the ones in the future, the way this pain would be passed on from generation to generation—that was what made him sad.

He saw that this sorrow would stay with them even if he ran away with Taiga. Even if she ran away with him, Taiga, in that future, would be sad. 

Taiga was afraid of inviting destruction into her life, and so she was offering to sacrifice her bond with her parents to protect her love for Ryuuji. She might not be consciously aware that was what she was doing, but it was. Where did Ryuuji plan to lead Taiga while she was like that? What was he trying to show her? What destination did he think awaited them if she abandoned everything she had to reach it?

Wanting things isn’t bad, Ryuuji wanted to tell Taiga. But in a way, he was helping to destroy everything. Their friends, who’d put themselves in harm’s way for Ryuuji and Taiga’s sake, might have been part of that destruction. Ryuuji and Taiga had locked themselves into an endless cycle of sorrow, all while saying they would do anything for the sake of happiness.

He was stupid, stupid, stupid. He was a kid who had no idea how small he was. 

“I…really had it all wrong…”

In that moment, Ryuuji felt like he was sinking into a deep body of water. It was even deeper than the icy river, and he had dreamed for a long time of the bottom of a darkness where light wouldn’t penetrate. But this was safe. Ryuuji was curled up, his head under his body, always sinking there. And then finally—finally—he took a foamy breath and breathed it out.

Taiga.

Bubbles issued from his lips with the utterance of that one and only name. His eyelids opened, feeling hard as scales. He gradually lifted his heavy head. He braced his hand on the tatami. Waking from his long dream, opening his intensely gleaming eyes wide, the dragonling known as Ryuuji got back on his feet. 

(Up, up, faster.)

He headed to the sink. With water that was so cold it numbed him, he washed his face, wiped himself with a towel, and took off his strange-smelling clothes. He threw them into the laundry basket. He changed his underwear and put on clean loungewear. He glared at the bright red face reflected in the mirror with enough force to murder it.

(Even faster, float to the top.)

His dancing body parted the four seas and raised a roaring column of water mixed with white, cloudy bubbles. His gigantic shadow stretched across the ocean surface. The spray turned into torrential rain and came pouring down. A tsunami erased a continent and birthed several new islands, and Ryuuji ran up into the sky with his own four limbs. He passed through the clouds in a breath, devouring flashes of lightning. He could even fly.

There were things in this world he still wanted to see and do. Ryuuji sought for them, using the power of his imagination to soar as high as the stratosphere.

(Food. Anyway, I’m going to eat dinner. Where would I do it? Where would be a good place? In a marble room with a large skylight. It’ll have crimson curtains and a fireplace. No, a nightscape with Tokyo Tower in view…or maybe the Rainbow Bridge? It’d be lit up like a jewel and look so pretty. Under the stars would also be nice. Or maybe even the moon, with Mars or Jupiter in the sky… No, it’s got to be the Earth. I want to see a rainbow… Maybe a big waterfall that’s making a rainbow with its spray. And as for the sky…well, I like the sunset.)

He righted the table he’d upturned, holding it as gently as he could in order to keep from scratching the tatami. He repositioned each of the floor cushions, placing his, Yasuko’s, and Taiga’s on the floor. He put the TV remote on the right side and lined it up with the corner.

(A red sunset. The sun will be golden, and the edges of the ashy clouds will shine like they’re burning. Under those clouds, there’ll be rain coming down. And we’ll have a really big, absolutely huge table set…on the beach… No, it’s got to be on a savanna. On a sunset savanna’s grassy plain, right in the middle. There’ll be a waterfall off in the distance, and it’ll make a rainbow, and rhinos and giraffes will be walking around leisurely.)

He wiped the table down until it was sparkling.

(The tablecloth will be bright white, for sure.)

He whipped the cloth he was wiping with, making it flutter. Ryuuji could see the tablecloth that would puff up with the hot winds. In the distance, the grassy ocean that broke into waves and the cries of the far-off beasts and the fluttering of birds’ wings—on the TV stand, where he could pick them up whenever he felt like it, stood several Takasu sticks. He took one and traced around the bottom of the TV. The small bits of dust that had gathered from the static electricity came away with gusto. Ryuuji grinned.

(Aperitifs. First, we’ll bring out sweet fruit liquor. Plum liquor… No, that’s too normal. Strawberry or something, instead. Maybe fig would be good. And small glasses that let the red light of the sunset shine through.)

Ryuuji crawled on his hands and knees to the edge of the TV stand. Like a veteran hunter sighting his prey, his eyes lit up. What he was after was the area around the wall socket where the cables were entwined behind the TV. No matter how carefully he cleaned, dust always accumulated there.

There there there. Ryuuji bared his teeth. He poked around with the Takasu stick and got the dust that was easy to see, but the real challenge was yet to come. Ryuuji yanked all the cords from the outlet in the wall, skillfully reeling them in. The fluffy dust bunnies that had been in hiding tumbled forth, and he quickly wiped them away with his towel.

(And then the soup and hors d’oeuvres. Wait…I can’t just serve them one at a time, though.)

Taiga was sure to pout and would probably complain—there’s mosquitos, it smells like animals, “There’s poop from something over there! I won’t allow this! Ryuuji! Travel back through time and clean it up before I ever see it!” 

Minori would be sitting next to her. “But they’re animals, they poop whenever they want to.” 

Her eyes would stop on Ryuuji as he got up, and she would leave her seat to come help him. Meanwhile, Ami would have a Chanel bag resting on her knees. Despite her pretty face, she would say something terribly spiteful and twisted. 

“Oh deaaar, Minori-chan! You’re! So! Kind! ♥ Isn’t that kind of suspicious? Why, aren’t you the suspicious pair?” 

“I got here in time! Sorry for being late! I was so busy with student council work! Oh!”

“It’s fine, Kitamura, just keep your clothes on. Kushieda, don’t make a big deal about the curry and don’t say it looks like poop!” It seemed Haruta really wanted to eat curry. Noto looked somewhat restless—ah, he was worried about Kashii and Kihara, who sat next to Ami. Really, he could just try talking to them.

Dust could even build up between the metal tongs of a plug and then ignite from static electricity. Ryuuji had heard that could cause house fires. Sitting cross-legged by the wall outlet, he held the Takasu stick tight and swept up every last speck of dust with masterful skill.

The wind crossing the savanna would tousle the back of his hair. He would turn and see the infinite, grassy field leading to the two-bedroom apartment.

French? Italian? Chinese or maybe Japanese food? Maybe it would be a large pot filled with boiled taro that would actually get everyone excited. Vapor would rise intensely from the bamboo steamers lined up in a row. He would steam little bits of dim sum to death. There would be pasta rolling with meatballs and gratin with cheese layered so thick that it couldn’t be cut through. Crispy acqua pazza. Bavarian cream that would overflow from the bowl. A cake tower decorated with mimosa flowers. Ryuuji would even make white rice and, after all was said and done, he couldn’t leave out the curry. Haruta would thank him with applause. 

There would even be a spot for Kanou Sumire at that huge table. She would arrive with a heavy-looking trunk, and Kitamura would stand up to help her. Their teacher Koigakubo Yuri would show up too, and they’d tease her for being all dressed up. Inko-chan would be perched next to a dish, and even the Takasus’ landlady would be present. Of course, so would Yasuko. 

Showing up in a foreign car—or at least pretending to—Aisaka Rikurou would saunter in on foot, accompanied by Yuu, whom he’d never met. Taiga’s mother and her new husband and impending baby would arrive. Yasuko’s mother and father would be there, too. And, with a magazine stuffed in front of his stomach and a glittering Rolex on his wrist, Ryuuji’s dad would be there as well. Even the people he’d parted with in the past and hadn’t seen again—even people he had yet to meet—they would all be there.

Everyone would be at Ryuuji’s table.

Everyone would open their mouths wide and laugh with joy. And because everyone in Ryuuji’s world would be there, Taiga, more beloved to him than anyone, would be laughing, too. And if Taiga were laughing, then Ryuuji would laugh louder than anyone else.

The people Taiga loved—all of them—would be there, and they would be laughing. That was how it had to be. He wanted his and Taiga’s future to be like that. There was only one thing Ryuuji wished for in the world, and it was that. 

“Okay!”

He wiped around the wall socket until it was immaculate. He turned over the towel and wiped the TV stand until it squeaked. He went back to the sink and washed out the towel, wrung it out hard, and scrubbed at the sink. He went on his knees and wiped the floor. He washed the towel again and wrung it out.

“I’m doing it!”

Ryuuji got on all fours in the hallway that was so short it was suffocating and put the towel down on the floorboards. Here we go. “Start!” He raced down the hall with the rag. He wiped down the corners of the kitchen, changed direction and backtracked, with his arms outstretched like wipers to swab down the walls as he went. 

What was wrong with having dreams? What was so sinful about having hopes? He wouldn’t let a single person fall behind. He wouldn’t give up. The mass destruction he and Taiga feared would absolutely never come. He would show Taiga the world he had seen as he flew through the skies. 

But before that could happen, there were things he needed to do. 

“Rice…”

Ryuuji picked up the hard grain of rice that had dug into his knee and bit his lip hard. He, Ryuuji, would need to take in all the pain and sorrow here. Could he do that? Would he falter?

Eyes unflinching, he stared at his destination. If he could compare himself to a dragon racing through the heavens, then there was nothing for him to fear.