CHAPTER 17: LOVE STORY
???: “Oh, Ken-san. Funny seeing you out so early. Got sacked?”
Kenichi: “Don't be stupid, the whole place breaks down without me. It'd be bad if my working stole everyone's jobs, so I'm taking out my gas and injecting everyone with some motivation.”
The bicycling owner of the neighbourhood bakery addresses Kenichi happily, but Kenichi responds by shooting him the middle finger. They go on having their bawdy little chat for a while before parting.
Kenichi: “I swear, any goddamn everyone sees a guy on a day off and it's all 'unemployment, unemployment'. Me, having a family to support, wouldn't mess the hell up like that. That's why even if I did do something that'd stain my hands in a way that'd get me fired, I'd do it in a way that wouldn't leak, hehheh.”
Subaru: “...As someone you're supporting, I pray from my heart that you don't use methods that'd stain your hands in the first place.”
Hands buried in his track suit pockets, Subaru, who had gone to the side of the path waiting for the conversation to end, shrugs. Kenichi shakes his hands and head at his son, who is standing in shade and bathed in wind.
Kenichi: “Lose your spirit of adventure and you'll never fully mature as a man or a person. And of course doing anything bad's not in the picture, but it's fun to probe the limits of that line or I mean...”
Subaru: “You're way past the age for jokes, calm down. A guy over 40 can't always be talking like a little brat.”
Kenichi: “Man, I think all men have a brat somewhere in them even as adults. Or actually, it's cause you, who's fundamentally meant to do these stupid talks, didn't join in the conversation in the first place that your dad has to have this stupid talk. What's with that, yoooou.”
Subaru: “As if I could have a friendly chat with some old stranger.”
Kenichi: “He's not a stranger. He's the owner of the bakery I always stop by when I sometimes buy bread coming home. Also he was one of my underclassmen in high school.”
Even knowing that now, not like Subaru'd get it. He'd never taken a hard look at the bread's packaging, and he'd probably never stopped by the bakery once. Subaru wordlessly exerts an aura of wanting to end this conversation, and Kenichi clicks his tongue.
Kenichi: “Don't you think it's a slight to the Mister Sun to look so fed up on such a bright, sunny, fresh as anything day? You look like you're getting interrogated.”
Subaru: “If I'm getting interrogated, it'd be thanks to my dad who dragged me outside at this hour... even though I said no, and he forced me.”
Kenichi: “That rebellion's just for show you followed along nicely. He loves his dad, Subaru does. Now relax, I love you too. You're in second to Mom though!”
Kenichi starts walking again, laughing and giving Subaru a rigorous slap to the back. His face scrunches up at the force of it, and Subaru feels some unease at how high Kenichi's tension is. That said Kenichi usually has this kind of tension even in quiet, peaceful times, but considering he has some moodiness to him too, he should've stayed sulky for longer after that conversation with the baker. It looks like Kenichi's overflowing with excess emotional reserves today.
—In complete contrast with Subaru, whose chest feels so pained it may collapse, just by walking beside Kenichi.
Subaru: “So...”
Kenichi: “Hm?”
Subaru: “So, you dragged me outside because you wanted to talk about something. Even though you'd never go that far that usually... what're we talking about. Something you couldn't talk about at home?”
Something you didn't want mom hearing, is the nuance of Subaru's question. Either way, he has a bad feeling about it. Probably gonna be a scolding about his apathetic lifestyle. Usually Subaru'd pull his futon's cover over his head and ignore it, but that's not gonna work so well outside. Otherwise he'd yell and interrupt what Kenichi was saying. If Subaru did something so shameful outside, even Kenichi'd once again, find Subaru—thinking that far, Subaru shakes his head.
Subaru: “When it's my father, there's a chance he might even find that shame funny...”
Kenichi: “I got no idea what kind of crazy thing you just imagined, but it's nothing that wild and funny. Sometimes I just wanna go out and have a normal family talk out beneath the sun.”
Subaru: “Really now, don't believe it at all. ...I guess, I'll pass it though.”
Kenichi: “Yupyup. By the way, Subaru, do you... want a brother or a sister, which?”
Subaru: “When you're 17 hearing that question is nothing but terrifying!!”
Kenichi: “Kidding, kidding.”
Kenichi: “While yes your Mom and I do still flirt, at our age of course we don't do any kind of 'becoming one' stuff anymore. Meaning, you are the one holding all of my and mom's love. Rejoice.”
Subaru: “Ahh, right right, happy happy. ...You really are just joking though, right?”
Kenichi: “Heyhey, cut that out. You get nasty like that and I might take it as a set-up and get all pumped up.”
Now that this's looking less and less like it'll end as being just a joke, Subaru ends the conversation by staring wordlessly at Kenichi. Kenichi gives a wry smile, getting the point.
—Subaru and Kenichi are walking along a path barely ten minutes away from their home. It's a region that a river well-known in the neighbourhood flows through, with sakura trees planted across the bank, making a sightseeing spot in springtime. It's not spring anymore though, and instead of pink cherryblossoms it's green leaves bathed in the sunlight.
This was where they were headed. Subaru'd worried that Kenichi might've been dragging him to school at first.
A strong wind scented with foliage blows over the embankment, and if Subaru stretched a bit he'd probably be able to see the river flowing lazily on the other side of the dividing fence.
Kenichi: “There didn't used to be a fence here. Me 'n my buddies always came here together to play in the river. Say, you remember Ikeda? He came here one day when there was a typhoon to look at the crazy flow, and got swept away... If this old qualified-lifeguard guy hadn't happened by I suppose he woulda died.”
Subaru: “Sounds like this fence is your and Ikeda or whoever's fault.”
Kenichi: “You can say whatever you want, but... no, hold on? The timing kinda does overlap, huh.”
Kenichi goes over to the fence and stares down at the river, tilting his head. Subaru stands behind him, looking bored, and restlessly glancing around the area. It's morning on a weekday so of course not many people're around. Or more precisely, Subaru and Kenichi are the only people around. That said it's a tricky place for people to get to in the first place. Only people who'd be around at this time would be the place's caretaker or those driven by whimsy. Suddenly, Subaru hears the sound grass crunching beneath someone's feet.
???: “Ohh? Wonder who it is, and turns out it's Lil' Ken. Now aren't you at just the age to be playing in rivers.”
Kenichi: “Who's calling me... The old man from the caretaker's hut, you're seriously still doing this job? Or actually you'll be the one surprised here, I'm not wearing my swimtrunks today so I'm not getting in the river.”
???: “Lose the idiocy. You're the guy who went saying boxers and swimtrunks're same thing at a glance and jumped in wearing his underwear. That said, gosh has it been a while.”
This guy is a short, old man wearing a green uniform. Going by the conversation and the logo on his back, he's probably the embankment's caretaker. And if he knew Kenichi back when he was playing in rivers, he's a bit of a veteran.
The two laugh and the caretaker claps his hands.
Caretaker: “Right, now if you're here where's Ikeda? Thanks to him getting washed away all the time, I've gotten to be the leader in 'times you picked up someone in a net.'” Kenichi: “Ikeda won big in the horse races ten years ago, flew to Thailand rich, and disappeared off the map. Still get cards for New Year's and summer, winter and Obon and Christmas, Father's Day and Mother's Day though.”
Subaru: “Someone who sends cards that incessantly's hardly off the map...”
Mutters Subaru who unconsciously slips into tsukkomi mode. The caretaker hears the muttering and, as if noticing Subaru's existence for the first time, his eyebrows shoot up. Caretaker: “Oop, you've brought someone along.. hm? Could he just happen to be...?” Kenichi: “Yup, he is. My son. Nope, I should change that to my beloved son.” Caretaker: “Ahh, I knew it! His face does look like yours when you were... actually no, it doesn't really. Doesn't take after you. Takes after his mother... maybe?” Subaru: “Haha. I would get that a lot. Especially about the eyes.” Subaru's face is exceedingly plain except for his stupidly characteristic sanpaku, which are very obviously from his mother. The caretaker approaches Subaru.
Caretaker: “I see I see, but still, it's surprising. Lil' Ken's had a child for this long. Well, I've gotten old too. Not strong enough to go save a drowning Ikeda anymore.” Subaru: “I doubt that Ikeda-san would be playing and drowning in rivers anymore either, at his age...” Caretaker: “That's what I'm hoping, but... this bunch never really could settle down. Specially your father, was nothing but causing ruckus all over. Suppose you could tell that just by walking around town?” Subaru: “...Yes, I suppose.” The caretaker knits his brow, puzzled, at Subaru's vague response. Then the wrinkles deepen. Caretaker: “Hm? Fine that you're Lil' Ken's son, but... today's meant to be Monday. What're you doing at the embankment out here with your father?” Subaru: “—hk!” Showered in a question he didn't want to be asked, Subaru's expression stiffens in pain.
Next comes the sharp, stabbing headache identical to the one he got in his room. Subaru closes his eyes at the pain, so intense he feels he might unconsciously wind up grabbing his head in his hands, and turns away from the caretaker with a, “Please excuse me,” running away. Kenichi: “Ah, oi, hey, Subaru! Sorry, pops. We'll meet up another time so let's talk then.” Caretaker: “Ah, yes... looks like I said something I shouldn'tve. Apologize to him for me.” Subaru doesn't hear this exchange. For now he's running, away from the creaking pain in his skull, toward a place where his hammering pulse can settle down, leaving the embankment behind. Kenichi, following behind him, Kenichi: “Nothing to apologize for. —Next is his problem.” He mutters.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Kenichi: “Here. A nice, cold, love-filled cola. Shook it so it's good and tasty. ...Is what I wanna say, but doesn't look like this's the time for it.”
Subaru: “...There's no such thing as a vending machine that fills things with love. Thanks.” Subaru savours the feeling of the can's coldness on his palm as he puts his finger to the tab. Then he closes his eyes for a second in thought, points the can in a direction empty of people, and pulls the tab. A huge stream of cola bursts out. Subaru feels the can he's holding get a third lighter as he watches the spray.
Kenichi: “Heyhey, what's this, that was supposed to get you. I even used my two-layer make-it¬ sound-like-I-did-it-then-say-I-didn't-but-I-actually-did-it technique.” Subaru: “I know your patterns. How long do you think I've known you, dad? Me thinking there's no way you wouldn't do it is a kind of trust in itself. Ah, my hands're sticky.”
He takes a sip of the cola. This does nothing to dislodge the weight in his chest. Kenichi: “So, calmed down?” Subaru: “...Tricky to say.” Subaru seats himself deeper on the bench, gives a long sigh and slumps his shoulders. Kenichi's standing before him, sipping his cola, one eye closed in thought.
They're in a children's park now. No one's here, and no dads sneaking in during summer vacation to play on the swings either. Kenichi: “In some sense, right now, I'm getting the feeling that if I go play on the swings I'm not going to smile at it. What'd you do, Subaru. If your dad played on the swings on the way back from the convenience store.” Subaru: “Take a picture with my cellphone and upload it on Twitter. Tweet, MY DAD PRESENTLY FREE FROM GRAVITY.”
Kenichi: “Ah, Twitter. Your dad's got an account too. I'm following and getting followed by everybody, screen's a complete mess.” Subaru gives a languorous sigh and searches for a topic. Just, something, anything other than what they talked about at the embankment—and again the creaking pain returns to Subaru's skull. Anxious at how the pain's coming at progressively more frequent intervals, Subaru stifles his reaction and stubbornly ignores it.
Subaru: “...You were just buying drinks at a vending machine, but it sure took you a while. Did something happen?” Kenichi: “Hm? Nothing big. Was a high-school girl hanging out truanting in front of the vending machine. Told her to go to school, gave her a drink and swapped email addresses with her.”
Subaru: “I seriously can't believe you can get email addresses that fast.”
Subaru has no words for Kenichi's power of getting high school girls' email addresses in the timespan of a toilet break. Kenichi tilts his head. Kenichi: “Really?” Kenichi: “If it's just email addresses they hand'em over quick. My phone's contacts list's getting near three digits of high school girls.” Subaru: “Add up all my contacts and you'd wonder if I'm gonna hit two digits, and you've got three digits of just high school girls. ...Dad, don't get in some nasty relationship with a high school girl and wind up in the newspaper, okay?” Kenichi: “What're you saying, you.” Kenichi: “I'm not gonna get in a saucy mood over some bratty highschool girl. My love's already all aimed and set, got none of those passionate cravings for anyone outside my family.” Subaru: “Categorize it like that and I'm a target too!” Kenichi: “...Well, I do have love for you. You wonder if it's not entirely off the table?” Subaru: “I don't, no! You're the one who should be getting asked what the heck they're saying!!” Kenichi laughs at Subaru's flipping out. The way he laughs is vulgar, but for some reason doesn't make people uncomfortable. No, actually that describes all of Kenichi's actions. Everything he does unmistakably diverges from normalcy, is over-the-top, overdramatic, and the kind of thing that makes people recoil, but for some reason everyone receives it favourably.
Walking around with Kenichi, first time Subaru's done it in a while, makes that assessment feel poignant and real. Subaru's run out of fingers on his hand to count how many times Kenichi's been spoken to just by walking down the street. No matter where they go, there's someone who can remember some tale of the past with Kenichi, and if it's someone just meeting him for the first time, he cheerfully and casually responds back to deepen the friendly bond between them. And he doesn't hide any of it.
His temples throbbing in pain, Subaru's breathing turns more ragged with every breath. The sharp headaches aren't just an interval thing anymore, but on-and-off intermittent. Needles seem to stab through his skull, unlikely to heal if simply left alone. But it's nothing to go to the hospital for.
Subaru doesn't know the cause of the pain, but he likely does know the reason for it.
Kenichi: “You aren't looking good, Subaru. Want me to piggyback you back to the house?”
Subaru: “Don't piggyback me, don't haveta go back. ...Since if I do go back, it'll be with you.”
And going back to the house where Naoko is will only make his condition worse. Subaru's starting to understand what this pain is, and what it is that makes it compound. If it's what he's imagining, then returning back home to Naoko alongside Kenichi exactly is going to make that pain spike to its absolute limit. Meaning,
Subaru: “I'm getting lectured by my own damn body.”
His body's now wailing at his guilt for his constant running away.
The period of terror spend in his room hugging his knees, staring at the clock. The restless pain, panic, and sharp headaches that came regardless him crossing that junction. The discomfort's almost as if someone is screaming, ranting, scolding Subaru from inside his own skull. —Don't know who you are, but what the hell do you think you know about me?
Kenichi: “You know what, Subaru. —Is there somebody you, like?”
The topic suddenly changes. It's the same unfunny joke Kenichi asked back in Subaru's room. The first time Subaru just laughed it off and gave a reply, but this second time is vaguely irritating him. The endless pain in his head also factoring in, Subaru goes to give a displeased reply when—
???: <—Subaru>
Suddenly comes to him is the illusion of a voice, clear as a silver bell, swaying his heart.
Subaru: “—huh?”
Subaru lifts his head, looking for the source of the voice. But no matter where he looks he can't find the voice's owner—the only other person in the park is Kenichi, whose brows jump up in surprise.
Kenichi: “What? You look as if a hot girl who shouldn't exist suddenly called your name.”
Subaru: “It might actually be exactly that so I really have no reply but... You didn't call my name just then? Dad, you haven't been practising how to sound like a hot girl, have you?” Kenichi: “Your dad's the master of lotsa little tricks, however not that one. Alright, I'll practice it as conversation stuffing so ask me that question again in about a month.” Subaru: “It's not conversation stuffing... seriously, what was that?” Kenichi looks dumbfounded. Subaru averts his gaze and ruminates over that voice he just heard.
The silver-bell voice was awfully gentle, but filled with a spark, so much so that Subaru forgot his headache for that second alone. A saving voice of which he knew not the source—with his headache calmed by the voice of a goddess, Subaru's expression slightly loses its edginess. And, with Subaru's breathing now somewhat organized,
Kenichi: “Alright, so the question. There somebody you, like?”
Subaru: “...What've you been on about. What're you getting at by asking this. Supposing there was, you wouldn't know her even if I told you her name.” Kenichi: “Well that's exactly why I don't know her. Maybe the girl you like just happens to be in my phone's contact list.”
Subaru: “If this hypothetical girl I like gave you her email address, well even centennial loves do fade.” Kenichi pouts. Subaru downs the rest of his cola. Subaru: “You don't have to be indirect about it. You can just ask it straight-out. ...Why aren't I going to school.” Kenichi: “You're being considerate of people for once, but man you still can't read the mood, son.” Kenichi: “Well,” Kenichi: “I did want to talk about that, so you're not wrong.” Subaru: “I do think... it's bad of me.” Kenichi: “There's no real need to think. Just absent-mindedly think about whatever ideas you have, and if you've got no ideas then eh, well to a certain extent you've got a body where you can overlook that.” Kenichi finishes his cola too and sits down next to Subaru, the wooden bench creaking. The two go on looking ahead, neither seeing the other's face.
Kenichi: “Dunno what the world at large believes, but I don't really think school's everything. I'm saying this as someone who didn't go to school seriously in the first place. I ditched my highschool graduation ceremony, and my little sister had to get my diploma for me.”
Subaru: “I've heard this story so many times already. My second aunt went to the same high school, so when she graduated they handed her your diploma too. Ears're blistered from hearing it.”
Kenichi: “Well, let's keep going 'till they're whiskered, too. So, I don't think you have to go to school if you don't wanna. Now that I'm my age, looking back I suppose I do sometimes think yes that not seriously going to school was a loss but, that's not a clear thing in your case yet.”
Kenichi seems to be staring off somewhere in the distance, looking serious. Subaru glances at this, and thinks that yup, my dad really is unfair. Goes around usually showing nothing but stupid crap, and then puts it all away in a setting like this.
Kenichi: “Don't think it's alright? On average, humans live for 80 years now. You've got 80 years, so I don't care if you waste one or two. You'll recover while you're still young and shape up fine. Fortunately, you have my earnings helping out on that one too.”
Kenichi: “If you're living you're gonna crash into problems you can't really answer. When I crash into those problems, I run around 'till I get the answer but, maybe rolling around inside your room's a way to get an answer too. I won't complain while you're deliberating. But if you're starting to give up, then ehh well maybe I'll butt in.”
Subaru: “...Why.”
Kenichi: “Hm?”
Subaru: “Why did you suddenly get in the mood to talk about this today. ...There's nothing really special about today. Today is just, the Peas Day.”
Kenichi: “Plate full and overflowing.”
Even though he's just had a can of cola, Subaru feels his throat rapidly go dry. While taking harsh, gasping breaths, Subaru waits for Kenichi to answer his question. Seeing Subaru's situation, Kenichi tilts his head.
Kenichi: “Hrmmm,”
Kenichi: “Why was it. It happened to be my day off, and just while I was having my towel rubdown this morning I thought, the morning horoscopes said Aquarius’s in perfect form, and your expression today was... it's really only a teensy bit, but I felt it'd gotten better.”
Subaru: “My face, got better?”
Kenichi: “Your expression. Your face's the same as always, only takes after Mom's eyes, a bad guy's face.”
Kenichi: “Dunno what happened, but your face didn't look like one of a guy who just stays holed in in his room all day. Though going from what Mom said, sounds like yesterday you didn't go out and you should just be some guy who stays holed in his room all day.”
Subaru: “...That's, what it should be. I did surf the grand waves the internet yesterday though.”
Kenichi: “If people could mature doing that, then I wouldn't get a straight rise of lost girl lambs coming to me with their problems on Twitter, I'd get a straight decrease.”
Subaru: “So you're even doing that...”
What Kenichi's saying isn't really clicking for Subaru. It should really be exactly like his mother said, the Subaru of yesterday should just be the same slothfully-indulgent time waster he'd always been. It's only been a day, but saying that that aura about him's suddenly changed is,
Subaru: “Dad's mistaken or stuck on some idea, otherwise he hasn't been paying attention to me properly.”
Kenichi: “That last one really does sting! But even still, waiting here on my cellphone's a hardlocked picture of baby you and your lovely devil smile.”
Subaru: “Lovely's fine, but the devil part's coming from how you can tell my eyes look nasty even when I was a baby.”
Yesterday's still yesterday, today's still today. Subaru's still spending his time changing absolutely nothing. And he thinks that's okay, and he thinks he'll go ahead and do that. And if he continued doing that, Kenichi and Naoko would surely eventually realise it. —What Subaru truly desires, that is.
Subaru: “—gghuahh!”
The second he thinks it, a pain slams him like fireworks going off in his face. The creaking of his skull is so intense it feels his brain's going to burst out. Subaru, still seated on the bench, breaks down.
His heartbeat again turns into an alarmbell, the sound of blood rushing through his veins and arteries clearly audible to him. The world before him blurs, splits into two, into three. The rising feeling of nausea, and the arcane core of heat in the back of his chest asserting its existence.
Tormenting the being known as Subaru in their different ways, as if screaming their complaint.
Kenichi: “Hey, this seriously looks bad. Are you okay, Subaru?”
Concerned, Kenichi puts his hands on Subaru's shoulders. Subaru raises his head, and even while the sweat rises on his brow, Subaru: “Ahh... yeah, I'm okay. Just, a little dizzy...” ???: <—It was tough, wasn't it?>
Subaru: “—!?” Again, the silver-bell voice sends goosebumps down Subaru's entire body. A voice filled with affection and sympathy. The voice seems to melt Subaru's strained heart, directly interfering with the screams of the suffering, the pain, the creaking, the heat—all uniformly weakening.
What was this voice. Why did this pain and suffering retreat from this voice. He had a feeling he knew this voice. That he'd always been seeking it. Yearning and yearning, pursuing and pursuing, clinging, releasing, but again getting it back—
???: <Thank you, Subaru.> Subaru: “You're...” The image of silver hair dancing in the wind burns itself beneath his eyelids. Sparkling amethyst looking at Subaru from straight ahead, every sound from her lips filling him with affection. ??? <You saved me.> What, what, what, what, what was this.
Who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who was this.
—The reason for his suffering was probably this girl. That he had pained, suffered, faced experiences so bitter he seemed about to puke, was probably this girl's fault. ???: <—Subaru.> His breath catches. His throat burns. Something builds up behind his eyes. ???: <There's no helping it, so...> His fingers tremble. His legs lose all strength. His throat cramps, his lungs seeming to spasm. ???: <You're always covering things up like that, Subaru...> Covering his face with his trembling hands, holding back a sob from his cramped throat, spilling the gathered heat from his his eyes, Subaru— ???: <Why did you save me?>
—The answer was already inside him.
The second he found it, the whirlpool of every little unpleasant thing inside him vanishes. The creaking in his skull, the welling nausea, the dizziness blurring the world, the ringing of his frantic heartbeat signalling a selection closing in, all of it resolves back to normal as if guiding Natsuki Subaru ahead.
He lifts his head, wipes away his tears with his sleeve. He stares at his dampened sleeve, rotates his arm to shake off the vestiges of the tears, and clenches his hand into a fist.
Subaru: “Sorry, for worrying you. I'm okay now.”
Kenichi: “Really? It's good if you're calmed down, but I was pretty dang worried.”
Subaru: “Yeah, I'm sorry. And, about that question from before.”
Subaru unhooks Kenichi's arms from his shoulders, and looks him straight in the eye. Thinking about it, despite all the times the two had talked today, Subaru had never once looked at his father's face directly. Inside his chest, Subaru laughs bitterly at his own weakness.
Subaru: “—There is somebody I like. So I'm, okay now.”
Imaging that silver face burned into his eyelids, Natsuki Subaru's resolve to face his past becomes definite.
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