7
“—baru! Subaru! Get ahold of yourself!”
The moment of losing consciousness and waking up was like changing the channel on a TV.
Reeling from the sudden change, Subaru was slow to react as the girl peered into his soul with her unmistakable blue eyes.
“Bea…trice…”
“That’s right. It’s Betty. Say if you are still yourself.”
She pressed him for an answer as she gripped his face between her hands. They were in the Taygeta archive on the third floor, and this was their seventeenth reunion…
“Subaru?”
“No, it’s nothing. I remember. You’re Beatrice; I’m Natsuki Subaru. We’re partners, and I’ll be counting on you more than ever. This is fine, dot jpeg.”
“D-dot jpeg…?”
Subaru answered whimsically and flashed a thumbs-up. Beatrice was baffled, but she returned the gesture. Her simple acceptance of an expression that shouldn’t exist in this world was proof of what a terrible influence Subaru was on her. As he patted her on the head, he quickly set his mind in motion.
There was no time to waste. He had to come up with a new plan and incorporate what he had learned during the fifteenth round that had just ended.
“…Calm down, Subaru.” Beatrice tugged at his sleeve and peered at his face. “Talk. Explain what happened in the book. Could you see Reid’s memories? And other than Betty, do you remember Emilia and everyone else, too? You have to remember all the important things. All of it.”
“That’s… Yeah, you’re right.”
Her earnest plea made him stop and think.
In his rush to solve everything, he was neglecting Beatrice, even though she was right there in front of him.
It’s the classic development where the person going through the same loop over and over starts disassociating with everything around them.
“…I never thought I would ever end up in that sort of situation, though.”
And in those sorts of stories, it was supposed to happen after facing a seemingly impossible wall dozens or hundreds or even thousands of times.
He had been at it a mere fifteen tries.
Is my ■■■■■ already so hardened that I can’t even see others as actual people?
“What am I, stupid? Okay, I admit I’m stupid.”
Subaru admonished himself, disgusted with his ■■■■■’s weakness. He couldn’t believe how fragile, how pathetic it could be.
You’ve only died fifteen times. All you’ve done is throw away your life without making any progress. What right do you have to talk about exhaustion?
Stand up. Raise your head. Clench your fists, Natsuki Subaru. There’s no one else but you.
The real Natsuki Subaru wouldn’t break from this.
“—You were never the sort of superman who could do anything.”
“ ”
Just as he began to sink into a cycle of self-doubt, Beatrice’s voice freed his mind. Subaru felt his breath catch. Still looking at him right in the eye, she continued.
“I will say it as many times as you need to hear it. You aren’t some superman who can do anything, Subaru. You are always so busy dealing with whatever is in front of you, hurting yourself for the sake of everyone else… Even though you’re a normal boy who isn’t especially good at enduring pain.”
“Th-that shouldn’t be true. I don’t think. Or else…”
“Or else what?”
“Or else, how could I…?”
His voice was quivering as he clenched his chest. It was pounding like it might burst any moment. The fear he felt now made his ■■■■■ race worse than when he stood on the verge of death.
Beatrice shook her head, standing in his way.
“Subaru, stay here and just rest. Let Betty take care of things for you.”
“Wha…?! Don’t be stupid! I’m fine! Yeah, I’m a little off-balance, but…”
He tried to stand up and stop her, but…
“—Ah?”
“You’re trembling, Subaru.”
Dumbfounded, he looked down at his unsteady legs. Raising his knee, Subaru tried to muster some strength, but it was quickly apparent that his legs wouldn’t support him.
No matter what he did, he found it impossible to get up.
“Why…?”
“It’s obvious. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard this whole time.”
“No, wait, wait a minute! I can handle at least this much. This is…”
He hit his knees over and over in frustration, trying to forcibly drive some strength into his legs, but he still couldn’t stand. Even though Subaru didn’t feel any pain, suffering, or exhaustion, his limbs remained lifeless. And while he was doing that, Beatrice took a step away from him.
“Subaru, we’ll cover wherever you are lacking. So don’t try to do everything yourself. After all…”
“Beatrice…”
“That’s Natsuki Subaru’s style.”
Smiling as Subaru’s eyes widened in shock, Beatrice turned to the stairs. As she left, she talked to Echidna and Meili, who were patrolling the archive…
“You two go to the balcony. I’ll find Emilia and Ram. They went to the green room. Be careful.”
With those brisk instructions, the three of them set off.
Subaru was alone on the third floor. Julius would have normally come to the archive, but he wouldn’t show up here once he ran into Beatrice.
Without Subaru’s directions, they wouldn’t be able to deal with all the issues assailing the tower. And because of their kindness, because of their concern for Subaru, they would die.
“Because of me… Because I’m weak… How did so little break me…?”
The real Natsuki Subaru wouldn’t have been stopped by this.
A fire roared in Subaru’s chest as he raged at his uselessness. But at the same time, he remembered the Natsuki Subaru Beatrice had just described. That was unacceptable. He refused to believe it. If what she said was true, then Natsuki Subaru was just a normal person.
“There must have been something. Something that changed you, Natsuki Subaru…”
Was there an absurd encounter? Did you receive an unbelievable power? Have an experience I can’t even begin to imagine? You must have had something that let you escape from being pathetic old Natsuki Subaru and helped you gain the trust of all these people in this new world…in this new life.
“Natsuki Subaru was here…”
That was the phrase that had made him doubt this world’s Natsuki Subaru. It had been carved into his own arm. Scrawled like a curse all over a room. The message from a being who should not have been there.
It almost felt like a hex from someone who had been robbed of their place and role.
“If you really are somewhere inside me…then show yourself…!”
Grabbing his arm, clenching hard enough make his bones creak, Subaru pleaded with himself—with the Natsuki Subaru who wasn’t there.
He demanded the reborn Natsuki Subaru come out. He wanted to see the Natsuki Subaru who could achieve what he couldn’t.
“It’s not enough! It won’t work with me! We need you, Natsuki Subaru!!!”
Swinging his arm down, Subaru punched the floor. It was made of some unknown material. The hard surface hurt his fist, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of powerlessness eating away at his ■■■■■.
I want to save them. I want to save everyone.
None of them are evil. I don’t want to hurt any of them, and they don’t want to hurt me. I know that. I don’t have to doubt who to save or who it’s okay to care about. But…
“Right now, we need you… So why is it me and not you? If it’s just my cowardly self, then everyone will… Why…?”
As of this very moment, I can’t even move my legs. And because of that, Beatrice, Echidna, Meili, Emilia, Ram, Julius, and Shaula—they’re all rushing to their deaths.
All because Subaru was powerless to save them from their fates.
“…Cor Leonis…”
Subaru murmured weakly as he activated his authority. He wanted to hurt himself. The new power dwelling inside him showed where his comrades were in the tower. And it would also show him their final moments, as well as the demise of the tower itself.
Everyone is doing their best, no matter where they are. They’re all following Beatrice’s instructions perfectly, I’m sure.
And as information flowed into Subaru, this loop pointlessly—
“—?”
Static interrupted that pessimistic stream of thought. Subaru slowly looked up. Turning around, he turned his eyes to a shelf filled with countless books of the dead.
“ ”
A strange feeling struck him.
This wasn’t his first time activating Cor Leonis in the archive. He had done it every time he came back to track down his comrades.
He had ground his life down to a nub, chasing after any and every possible combination that would change the situation they were trapped in.
And yet he couldn’t understand how this was the first time he had picked up on this.
“This reaction has to be…”
It was faint, barely even perceptible, but he could feel it.
Compared to the feeling of his comrades, who he could sense clearly even at a distance, this signal was terribly weak…but it was unmistakable.
Forcing his trembling legs to move, he slowly crawled over. Once he reached the shelf, he forcibly lifted his upper body by leaning against it. Somehow, he managed to get to his feet. Then he reached toward that faint, fading light and grabbed it.
What his hand found was a single tome—a book of the dead. When he pulled it out…
“ ”
…he stopped breathing.
The black cover featured nothing but a title. It was a simple, dull book. But it also held enormous meaning for Subaru.
Because…
“Natsuki Subaru.”
—There was a book of the dead that should not have been there.
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