“Ryuto... I love you...”
Man, if only she was feeling okay right now! It’s so hard to keep myself in check that I might start shaking.
It was my first time going up a set of stairs with someone on my back, but because I was so riled up, it didn’t hurt. It just felt a bit hard to walk.
The elasticity of the skin of her thighs on my hands, the sensations against my back, her breath hitting my neck... Everything was too precious. I didn’t know where I was supposed to focus my attention.
I wished I could keep climbing this set of stairs that had only ten steps or so forever.
Of course, whether you might call it a cruel reality or an obvious development, I got to the second floor right away.
“It was this room, right...?”
Opening the door in the back of the hallway, I entered my girlfriend’s room for what was the second time now. I’d grown used to seeing it in our video calls, but it had been a while since I’d actually set foot inside. The moment I entered this room filled with her scent, my heart leaped as though I’d just come home, victorious.
Ultimately, however, I was here today to nurse Runa back to health.
Her bed was moderately disheveled. I rolled over the comforter—which she seemed to have simply thrown off herself when she woke up in the morning and left it as it was—and gently laid Runa down on her back.
“Ngh...”
Closing her eyes as she lay listless, Runa let out a cutesy sound and rolled on the bed. Which...resulted in her short knit dress rolling up.
And, would you believe it—peeking from between her thighs was what appeared to be white satin cloth.
“Ahh!” I cried out, and I quickly covered it with Runa’s comforter on reflex.
The image of that white, glossy fabric flickered in my retinas.
What a waste, I shouldn’t have done that...
However, at the moment, I didn’t have any courage left to look at that directly.
That’s right—I came here to look after Runa. Reminding myself of that fact, I then brought the washbowl up from the first floor.
I picked up a soaked towel, wrung it out a bit, and put it on Runa’s forehead.
“Ryuto...?” uttered Runa, narrowly opening her eyes. “For a moment, I thought my mom was here. Not like that was even possible.” Smiling sadly, she directed her eyes at the ceiling. “When I was little and had a fever, my mom would often look after me like this.”
Runa narrowed her eyes nostalgically—she might have partially been having a fever dream due to her sickness.
“She’d peel apples for me, spoon-feed me ice cream... I didn’t have an appetite, but she’d still always give me this or that.”
I sat on the floor next to her. “Yeah, parents pay too much attention to you when you have a cold. Even though you want them to leave you alone because you’re not feeling well,” I replied.
Turning her head to look at me, she smiled a little. “You know, Ryuto, when you’re in front of your mom, you act a little cocky.”
“What?! R-Really?!” I replied, flustered. I’d never noticed. “Do I really do that...? I don’t think I’m going through a rebellious phase or anything, though...”
Maybe I unconsciously acted bluntly with my mother in front of Runa because I didn’t want her to think of me as a mama’s boy. Her words startled me, and I worried that she might have thought of me as undutiful to my parents.
“Heh heh, I know,” replied Runa with a smile, seeming to find this a little funny. “As I watched you, I figured you grew up in an environment where you could be selfish and always had peace of mind... I’m jealous of you.” There was a great deal of sadness in Runa’s eyes. “When I see my mom, it’s too much for me. I get so happy that I turn back into a little girl.”
Seeing Runa’s self-deprecating smile, I recalled how she’d acted on our sports day. When her mother had patted her head, she’d looked happy as a child. I’d thought that had been her being a good daughter, but thinking back on it now, it might’ve been a bit of a strange reaction from a girl who was in high school.
Then, I recalled something else. Runa sometimes asked me to pet her head, like she had on that Ferris wheel after we’d played airsoft.
My heart had pounded that day as I’d gotten a chance to touch Runa...but what if she was asking for such moments of physical intimacy because they brought her the kind of relief she’d received from her mother?
“Maybe if my mom had been with me all along, I wouldn’t have wanted a boyfriend so early, even in primary school,” said Runa to herself, as though proving my theory. “I love my dad...but now that I think about it, I couldn’t open myself up to him as much as I used to after he betrayed us once. Before, I only saw my grandma a few times a year, but after we started living together, I couldn’t just demand attention from her. My older sister went to her boyfriend’s and almost never comes back... There was no one in this house I could really just be a child with.” Gazing at the ceiling with her eyes out of focus due to her fever, Runa went on as though talking to herself. “Mom and Maria weren’t here...and I found myself all alone. Sure, I had lots of friends at school...but more than friends, I wanted someone who could be closer to me.” It sounded like an earnest plea from the heart. “Someone who would hug me if I was hurt, tell me I was a good girl, and pat my head. Someone who would listen to me talk about stupid stuff for hours, in the morning or at night, and laugh with me... And who could do that besides a boyfriend? I’m not a little girl anymore.”
I recalled how Runa was open with physical contact, even with girls. She was all over Yamana-san in particular, and that could even be described as excessive.
I figured that if she sought the same thing with guys, it would obviously go in a sexual direction—maybe her exes getting her into bed right away had to do with more than just them being playboys.
Even I felt my heart pounding and my head swimming every time Runa touched me, which she did often. After what had happened in this room the first time I’d come here, I’d had to put up with that stuff on a daily basis. Though sometimes I came close to falling to the dark side...
Until now, I’d thought Runa was much more of an adult than me.
But maybe... Maybe, in some part of her mind, she was still a child.
Sure, she had a lot of experiences, but maybe even Runa wasn’t as much of an adult as I’d previously thought.
It was the first time this had occurred to me.
“Mom always held me tight before I went to sleep,” Runa suddenly said. “Mom...” She narrowed her eyes in distress and they began to shake like the surface of a pond. “It didn’t work... Me and Maria couldn’t be like Lisa and Lottie... I’ll never get to live with Mom again...”
Listening to Runa speak with that trembling voice was hard to endure.
“You have me,” I said impulsively and embraced her. “Maybe I can’t be a replacement for your mother, but you have me.”
“Ryuto...” Runa stretched out her arms as well and wrapped them around me. “Thank you, Ryuto...”
My heart was racing. We were alone together in her room at night on Christmas Eve. I had one knee on her bed and had my arms around her as she lay down.
Stop, you can’t have these thoughts now... Runa is ill, I told myself. Then, I tried to think about her feelings. How did she normally feel as she spent her days in this room?
Maybe she talked to Yamana-san on the phone practically every evening to relieve the loneliness she felt when she was at home.
Maybe being taken in by her dad had given her more financial stability compared to Kurose-san, but her source of emotional support had been her mother. Losing it must’ve dealt a strong blow to her.
I could feel Runa’s breath next to my ear. Her body in my arms was hot. But lust didn’t arise in me anymore.
I wanted to protect her—the one girl in my life.
I wanted her to become healthy in both mind and body...
As I held her with those wishes in mind, strength left Runa’s hands.
“Runa...?”
When I pulled away and looked her over, I saw that her eyes were closed. Her breathing was calmer than it had been a moment ago.
Runa seemed to have fallen asleep.
The towel on her forehead had slid from its position, so I took it off, cooled it down in the washbowl, and put it on her forehead again.
The ice in the washbowl was gone, so I was about to leave the room to replenish it.
“Ryuto...”
My legs stopped when I heard Runa’s voice.
“Don’t go, Ryuto...”
I turned around and smiled at her. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here.”
She didn’t reply, however. Her eyes were still closed too.
“Was she talking in her sleep...?”
If so, the thought that I’d appeared in Runa’s dream made me happy.
The evening hours of Christmas Eve slowly wore on.
***
Feeling a soft weight on my back, I opened my eyes. In fact, it was only at that moment that I realized I’d been asleep.
“Oh, did I wake you up?”
Turning to where the voice came from, I saw Runa standing up. I, on the other hand, was lying face down and had a blanket over me.
For a moment, the situation confused me, but then I realized I was in Runa’s room and must’ve fallen asleep on the floor last night as I’d looked after her. It must’ve been because I hadn’t been getting quite enough sleep because of my cram school studies.
Checking the clock in the room, I saw that it was just before seven. The morning light trickled in through gaps between the curtains.
“Ah, good morning...” I said.
Runa had changed from last night’s white dress to the usual hoodie that she wore at home.
“How do you feel? Is it okay for you to be up and about?” I asked.
Runa smiled. “Yeah. Looks like my fever went down. I kinda got hungry, so.” She laughed, looking a little embarrassed.
“Oh, right... Sorry I didn’t make anything.”
“It’s okay; I’m the one who should be sorry for not being hospitable. You’re hungry too, right?”
It wasn’t so bad since I’d just woken up, but I had been hungry last night.
“I made a Christmas meal,” she said. “Though I thought we’d eat at the restaurant, so it’s chicken and cake.”
“I see... Thanks.”
“Wanna eat now?”
“Huh? In the morning?”
Chicken and cake?
“Is it too much? You don’t want it?”
“Nah, I think I could go for some.”
Runa smiled happily at my reply. “Hooray! Let’s eat, let’s eat!”
We went down to the first floor and I saw that the living room was just as we’d left it the night before. It appeared Runa’s father really hadn’t come home.
Runa had prepared a whole roasted chicken and a Yule log Christmas cake. Apparently, she’d made it with a store-bought Swiss roll as a base and followed a video. You could tell from the way it was frosted that it had been made by an amateur—that, too, I found endearing.
“Well, let’s dig in!” exclaimed Runa.
We brought the food to her room and thus began our private Christmas dinner at half past seven in the morning.
Runa pulled the thermometer out through the neck of her hoodie and put it on the table. “Oh, my temperature’s 37.5. I thought it went down much more than that...” she said.
I’d given the thermometer to her earlier, asking her to take her temperature just in case, and she’d had it in her armpit since then.
“Don’t force yourself. You should rest for today,” I said.
“Yeah... I was gonna meet up with Nicole and some other girls, but I’ll call that off.” Runa promptly took out her phone and started swiping rapidly at its screen. “Hey, this chicken doesn’t taste like much. Sorry... Want some salt?”
Seeing Runa about to get up, I shook my head. “Nah, I’m good.”
It appeared the chicken really was unevenly seasoned. We ate it while looking for parts that were more flavorful than not.
“If you say so. Oh, right! Here’s your Christmas present!”
Runa opened the bag she’d had the day before, took something out of it, and gave it to me. It was a green gift wrap with a red ribbon.
“Open it, open it!”
“O-Okay... Thanks.”
I opened the present and there were many paper bags inside. And as I took them out...
“Good-luck charms??”
What came out were omamori—good-luck charms often sold at shrines. Some of them were for academic success, but there were also ones for good health, avoiding misfortune, traffic safety, and more.
“Yeah. At first, I was gonna only buy ones for studying, but Nicole was like, ‘Isn’t he gonna get worn out if all he ever does is study?’ So I got anxious and started to worry about lots of other things.” Runa laughed awkwardly.
Upon closer inspection, the charms differed in more than just type. They had a variety of different shrine names written on them.
“Wait, you didn’t go around multiple shrines, did you?” I asked.
“Huh? Yeah, I did... The Three Great Tenjin Shrines of Kanto or something? That came up when I looked up amulets for studying.”
“That’s a thing?”
“Yeah. I figured I might as well do the full round, so I went around with Nicole yesterday.”
“I see... Where’s this Tani...Ho...Tenman-gū?”
“Oh, that one’s read ‘Yabo Tenman-gū,’ apparently. Um, I took the Keiō Line from Shinjuku and had to transfer at one point, I think.”
“Huh? Isn’t that really far?” I asked. “So you went to three different places before the restaurant, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And in the morning? Wasn’t it cold?”
“Ah, yeah... I didn’t think about that too much. It was warm the day before...” Runa smiled awkwardly.
Shrines were generally outdoors, and considering Runa’s getup yesterday, she must’ve been cold as she went from shrine to shrine. Was that why she’d suddenly gotten a fever...? The thought of it made me feel guilty.
“You know how you’re working real hard on your studies recently? This sorta stuff is all I can do for you, so...”
“Thank you, Runa.”
Her feelings made me happy and filled me with emotion.
“I’ll wear them all. I’ve got a year until my college entrance exams, so I need a lot of protection.”
Runa smiled and giggled, her cheeks turning rosy.
“I have a present for you too,” I added.
“Huh?!”
I thought it was natural to prepare a present for your loved one that you see on Christmas, but Runa opened her eyes wide in apparent surprise.
“No way?! What could it be?!”
“I’ll go get it. Wait here for a moment?”
With that, I took my bag and left the room.
I entered the room again. “Merry Christmaaas!!!” I called out, my voice uncharacteristically cheerful.
Runa was blinking in surprise as she looked at me.
Crap. Did this bomb...?
I was wearing a red hat, a red coat, a white beard, and then glasses on my face. These were parts of an extremely simple Santa costume, each procured at a hundred-yen store.
“Santa would come to our house and give us presents. I was so happy about it.”
“It was my dad, though. Santa.”
Runa liked surprises, and I wanted to recreate a Christmas memory from her childhood that she’d told me about.
When I’d bought this stuff, I hadn’t imagined that yesterday’s dinner party would go the way it had. Now, I worried that making Runa recall memories of her dad would have the opposite effect... Runa’s lack of reaction gave me a fright.
“Um... This is my present...” I said, now handing her the wrapped-up gift I had in my hand. But as I wet my dry lips, about to say something else to try and fix this situation...
“Heh heh...”
Runa laughed. And as she did, a tear trickled down her face.
“Huh?! R-Runa...?”
Flustered, I looked at her face and saw large teardrops falling from her other eye as well.
“Heh heh... I know it’s you, Ryuto. It’s obvious because your socks are the same...”
Runa pointed at my feet and smiled. My socks were hardly the only thing I hadn’t changed—my pants were the same too. What I was wearing hardly qualified as a disguise, but Runa laughed happily as she cried, so I laughed too.
“Hah hah... Guess I made the same mistake as your dad...”
The moment I said that, tears began to rapidly stream from Runa’s eyes. I grew flustered—maybe the subject of her dad was taboo.
“S-Sorry...” I said in a hurry.
Runa shook her head, tears still in her eyes. “It’s okay, don’t worry. My Santa isn’t Dad anymore.” Saying that and smiling, Runa suddenly leaned against me.
As I stood there startled by her sudden embrace, Runa spoke softly into my ear. “I realize now that the one who gives me happiness...is you, Ryuto.”
“Runa...”
Her wavy hair tickled the tip of my nose, and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding.
Slowly pulling away from me, Runa looked at me a bit bashfully with her upturned eyes.
“Hey, can I open the present?” she asked.
“Y-Yeah, of course...”
She looked at the present again, then carefully opened the gift wrap.
“Ah, earrings!”
“Yeah. That ring you have—moonstone, was it? These have the same stone.”
“Really?! Wow, you’re right!”
Runa looked at the ring on her right ring finger and then at the earrings, alternating between the two. Ever since I’d given her that ring at the summer festival, she’d worn it every time I’d seen her outside of school.
The earrings I’d just given her had the same design—each had a shiny white natural rock held in a golden piece of metal. They weren’t from the same seller since I’d bought them online, but I thought I’d done a good job finding something that looked similar enough to match.
“You probably have a lot of earrings already... Sorry I couldn’t think of anything else,” I said.
Runa shook her head. “No, I’m happy! Having a lot of pairs doesn’t stop me from buying more,” she said. “And besides... It makes me really really happy that it’s something you chose and bought for me.” Her cheeks became a little rosy and she gazed at me with a smile. “Thank you, Ryuto... I’ll put them on now.”
With that, Runa began removing the earrings she was wearing. Then, she put a moonstone one on each ear.
She swept her hair to one side in the process, revealing the fair, slender nape of her neck. Its beauty and sexiness had me captivated all along.
“Done! Whatcha think?” asked Runa, happily showing off her new earrings.
“They suit you really well.”
Several times better than I’d imagined when I’d bought them online, in fact.
“Hooray! Hee hee. I’m gonna wear these all day.”
Runa picked up the earrings she’d taken off and got on her bed. It appeared she wanted to put them on the bedside accessory stand she had above her pillow.
She knelt on the bed and a stuffed toy appeared from under her knee.
“Ah, I stepped on her. Sorry, Chi-chan.”
Chi-chan?
I was surprised to hear the vaguely familiar name.
“That toy...”
As I pointed at it, Runa held up the stuffed animal.
“Oh, this? That’s a cat named Chi-chan. She’s cute, right? I got her from Maria forever ago.”
Runa put the earrings away with one hand and got off the bed, still holding Chi-chan.
Chi-chan was a small stuffed animal of a cat. I couldn’t tell what character it was supposed to be, but its round and cute plastic eyes were adorable.
“Maria was good at asking for things. I was jealous of that,” Runa suddenly began as she sat on the floor next to the bed. She gazed at Chi-chan. “I always said what I thought right away, so it looks like my parents took my feelings lightly. I could ask for a toy and they’d go like, ‘Yeah, yeah...’ They didn’t really take it seriously.” She then cracked a smile. “Compared to me, though, Maria didn’t talk much. She silently looked at stuff in toy stores too. It seems like adults want to buy things for children like that. Our aunt doted on Maria ever since she was little, so she bought a lot of stuff for her. This cat is one of those things.”
“I see.”
“Still, it didn’t look like Maria actually wanted it all that much. She simply didn’t ask for it because she didn’t want it. So, I took it instead,” she explained.
I’d heard this episode from Kurose-san before, but it was fresh to hear it from Runa’s perspective.
“But at one point, Maria asked to have it back.” Runa’s expression clouded over a little as she said that. “I was really sad. I always thought Chi-chan was super cute, so Maria only had herself to blame for letting her gather dust in a corner of the room. If she was gonna want her back later, she should’ve cherished her from the start. Why did she have to say something like that after I started taking good care of her? It was sad, so I got angry and I hit her. Wasn’t she being unreasonable?” There was a mix of guilt and sorrow on her face.
“It wasn’t like Kurose-san regretted giving Chi-chan away. She started wanting her because you cherished her,” I explained.
“Huh?”
“It’s because she likes you. She looked up to you and wanted to get closer to you.”
“Did Maria say that?” Runa’s face went a little stiff.
“Yeah. When she and I were still friends.”
Runa lightly bit her lip and looked down. “I see...” When she next raised her head, her expression was back to being cheerful. “I guess you knew about Chi-chan already.”
“It’s my first time actually seeing her,” I said. “I was surprised—she’s prettier than I imagined. You must’ve been taking good care of her.”
Sure, she had some overall wear, but she didn’t look dirty. I could tell Runa cherished and looked after her.
“Yeah!” said Runa with a smile, holding the toy in her arms.
The sight made a smile appear on my face too. “I’m glad you managed to repair your relationship with Kurose-san,” I said.
“Yeah...”
There was a moment of hesitation in her reply, though, and that concerned me.
“Is something still bothering you?” I asked.
Runa slowly shook her head. “Nah. It’s just...I feel like we might not be completely back to how we used to be after all. It’s like there’s a barrier between us... We barely kept in touch for a whopping six years, so it’s no wonder. I think there’s a lot of things she felt and went through in that time that I don’t know about. And the same goes for her.”
“Makes sense...”
That might’ve been inevitable.
“I hope you can talk things out and fill in the gaps, little by little,” I said.
“Yeah. I really hope so too,” Runa replied with a faint smile. “Even if we can’t all live together again...at the very least, I wanna get along with Maria like we did back in the day.”
I really wished for that too. And for Kurose-san to smile more often.
“I was such an idiot,” Runa suddenly said in self-deprecation. “So what if Christmas Eve was their wedding anniversary? Mom and Dad both moved on long ago.” She held Chi-chan tight enough that her chin sunk into the toy’s head. “This past week, I got carried away, all by myself. Getting all enthusiastic, then failing, then getting depressed... Like, what the hell was I even doing?”
“That’s not...”
Feeling pity for Runa, I looked for a different subject we could talk about.
“Ah...” came from my mouth when I remembered something. “Speaking of anniversaries... Last week was our half-year anniversary, right?”
“Ah...” That noise escaped Runa too as her eyes widened. “You’re right! You’re absolutely right!” she exclaimed as though in disbelief. “Huh? How did I forget about it?! I remembered until our exams began! Man, I wanted to celebrate our half-year anniversary!”
“Well, what can you do? You were busy getting ready for Christmas Eve.”
I’d forgotten about it until now too, what with all the studying in preparation for my winter courses after the tests had finished.
Then, as I looked at Runa while recalling the events of the previous week...
“Wh-What’s wrong?” I asked, startled and freezing up.
Runa was crying. Her large tears were falling on Chi-chan’s head.
“Runa...? Are you okay?”
Was it so shocking for her that we forgot to celebrate our half-year anniversary? As I grew panicked, Runa shook her head.
“It’s just... I never thought there’d come a day when I’d forget an anniversary with my boyfriend...” Runa buried her face in Chi-chan’s head. “When I realized that dating you really has become a part of my everyday life... I got so happy...”
“Runa...”
What had she felt when she’d reached milestones with her exes?
A month left. A week left... Will I be able to keep dating him until then? Had she counted down the days with those thoughts on her mind?
If so, then perhaps I was able to bring Runa the kind of relief that her exes had never managed to give her. The thought of that seemed to give me strength.
“Okay, then let’s celebrate our half-year anniversary now,” I suggested.
Runa looked up. “Yeah! Let’s do that.” A smile appeared on her face as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
There was just a bit of cola left in our glasses. We refilled them and brought them together again for a toast.
“Merry Christmas! Aaand...to our half-year anniversary! Cheers!” Runa’s cheerful voice resounded through her castle—her bedroom.
Thus, the first Christmas I spent with Runa came to a peaceful end, along with the slightly bittersweet feelings it had brought.
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