“No, but like, isn’t it crazy? He looks way too much like E-Joon.”
I had forgotten who that was, so I looked over to Runa. Once our eyes met, she mouthed to me that he was a member of VTS.
So Icchi looks like a K-pop idol that Tanikita-san’s a fan of, huh.
“It’s seriously crazy. My heart won’t stop pounding. Isn’t Ijichi-kun as tall as E-Joon too? That makes them pretty much the same person!”
“Huh...? A-Are they that similar?” asked Runa.
“Wait, Akari, weren’t you a fan of Jaemi?” added Yamana-san.
Tanikita-san pouted. “Jaemi is for BL fantasies! My real love’s for E-Joon!”
“That so?”
“So why not go out with Ijichi-kun?” suggested Runa.
At that, Tanikita-san made a blank face, like a Haniwa figure. “Wh-What’re you talking about?! How could I?!” she countered. “I brutally shut him down when he confessed to me at the cultural festival! It was bad enough that he didn’t come to school for a month!”
So she was aware...and she’d still reacted the way she had. She really did have a strong heart.
“And to make things worse, I told him I didn’t know him well and asked if he wanted me to like him because of his face. And here I am, liking him for his face! How pathetic! It’s pathetic and shameless! There’s no way I could do that—I’d rather die!” Covering her face, Tanikita-san thrashed about, kicking her legs.
Out of curiosity, I looked for a picture of E-Joon on my phone under the desk. Sure, his face did resemble Icchi’s the way it was now, but his hairstyle and hair color were different in each photo. He was wearing makeup too. So, frankly, I couldn’t really tell one way or another.
Well, if a fan was saying the two of them looked a lot like each other, I figured they must.
“So there’s absolutely no way! You better not tell him!” exclaimed Tanikita-san.
“Oh, but it’s such a waste!” Runa said. “Ijichi-kun might still like you, so maybe you have a chance at going out with him if you say something.”
“And he lost so much weight because of the shock of your rejection, right? He definitely hasn’t put it behind him,” added Yamana-san.
However, Tanikita-san stubbornly shook her head. “No. Absolutely not. Confessing after what I said? Never.” Then, she looked over at me. “You better not tell Ijichi-kun either. If you do, you’re dead.”
I hadn’t done anything, but her threat and the scary look on her face made me tremble in fear.
“O-Of course...!” I replied.
Icchi was ecstatic now that he’d become an active Kid anyway, so I figured I had no choice but to leave these two alone for now.
There was one thing I simply had to ask, however.
“Um... Tanikita-san?”
“Mm?” She seemed to find it strange that I’d speak up to her, which was indeed unusual.
“You realize Icchi is a virgin, right?” I asked.
A large frown appeared on her face. “So what?”
“Huh?”
After everything she said to Yamana-san the other day...?
Tanikita-san went on, her face still stern. “Kashima-kun, let me tell you how to attract a girl who’s got no regard for logic whatsoever.” As I held my breath from the unusual determination in her voice, she continued. “You have to be overwhelmingly her type in terms of looks. If you can do that, everything else is secondary.”
Well, that sure was blunt. It’s downright refreshing to get an answer like that.
I sat there, dumbfounded, and with Tanikita-san boldly gazing back at me, I couldn’t find anything to say back to her.
***
The integrated studies periods went on the same way the following week, and Nisshi slipped into our class again for today’s too.
These were practically self-study classes. Anything went—even sleeping or skipping them entirely was okay. Icchi, who’d apparently received homework from KEN to build something new, fell asleep immediately as soon as we pulled our desks together as if he weren’t getting enough sleep night after night. I accidentally did so as well since I often stayed up late at night studying for tests both here and at my cram school.
When I woke up all of a sudden, roughly thirty minutes had passed since the start of the period. Runa wasn’t around, and Kurose-san and Tanikita-san were nowhere to be seen either. They must’ve gone to the library together.
The only ones in our group still present were Yamana-san, Nisshi, and a sound-asleep Icchi. Nisshi sat in Tanikita-san’s seat, facing Yamana-san across the table. He wasn’t doing anything. It seemed that they’d just finished talking about something and now had nothing to do as they sat in silence.
However, they’d yet to notice that I’d woken up. Somehow it felt like it was better off that way, so I turned my face toward the desk again and only directed my eyes toward the two of them.
“B-By the way,” began Nisshi.
Nisshi’s starting a conversation...?
Out of the three of us, he seemed like he’d be the one most negatively affected by puberty. But here he was, starting a conversation with a girl. I was secretly impressed.
“You know how we have the same ‘na’ kanji in our surnames?” he said.
For a moment I was internally like, “What?” But then, I considered their surnames—Nishina and Yamana... Now that he mentioned it, it was true. I’d never noticed it at all until now.
“I guess so,” replied Yamana-san, listlessly resting her chin in her hand. It wasn’t like she was in a bad mood because of Nisshi—she was always like this in class. “What about it?”
Nisshi got a little flustered at that reply. “Oh, nothing in particular... I just thought there might be something.”
“Such as?”
“Well, you know... Something...” Not being very coherent, Nisshi made a strenuous effort to force his voice out. “...fateful?”
He went and said it...
Wouldn’t this make Yamana-san notice how he felt? With that in mind, I held my breath.
Yamana-san then spoke up without removing her chin from her hand. “Are you coming on to me? You’ve got a long way to go before you can pull that off.”
An answer like that would’ve made me lose heart, but Nisshi wasn’t discouraged.
“Maybe, but still...” he said, as though refusing to back down. He gazed back at Yamana-san. “If you don’t do anything, you’ll never get anything done, you know?”
Inside my head, two guys in polo shirts started dancing and singing “Atarimae Taiso” like in a comedy sketch, but something seemed to have resonated with Yamana-san. A faint blush had appeared on her cheeks.
“I have a boyfriend,” she said bluntly.
“I know,” replied Nisshi sullenly. “You can’t get in touch with him, though, right? Not until his college entrance exams are over.”
Lifting her chin from her hand, Yamana-san looked at Nisshi with a serious expression on her face. “So, what? You’re saying you wanna be his replacement?”
Nisshi nervously nodded a few times. “I-I’ll do my best.”
Yamana-san gave him a dubious look. “Let me make this clear: it definitely won’t work.”
“You can’t know that!” exclaimed Nisshi, seeming to get worked up. But then, he looked toward the classroom door and suddenly dived under the desks.
Runa, Kurose-san, and Tanikita-san had shown up. Nisshi must’ve hidden on reflex because he’d thought the teacher had returned.
“We’re back!” announced Runa.
“Hey Runa, these guys aren’t waking up at all. Want me to smack them and wake them up?” Yamana-san suggested. “They haven’t done anything at all today.”
By “these guys,” she must’ve meant me and Icchi. I opened my eyes at once, but then I thought better of it and closed them again, still pretending to be asleep. I didn’t want them to realize I’d been awake for some time and had overheard Nisshi and Yamana-san’s conversation.
“It’s okay. I’m sure they’re tired,” said Runa with a smile. I could hear the sound of her sitting down. “Ryuto seems to be busy studying recently. I don’t think he gets much sleep. I’ll do his part.”
Runa’s voice, full of thoughtfulness, went straight to my heart.
“And I’ll do Ijichi-kun’s part!” added Tanikita-san in high spirits. “Also, even his sleeping face looks like E-Joon’s! I want a picture! The teacher’s not here yet, right? You think it’s okay to take my phone out?”
“Aha ha, no secret pictures, Akari,” said Runa.
“Wait, how do you even know what an idol’s sleeping face looks like?” asked Yamana-san.
“The other members upload backstage videos often,” replied Tanikita-san.
Well, they sure are enjoying their youth, I thought. Everyone had feelings for someone. Even if those feelings weren’t reciprocated.
As that went through my head, I slightly opened my eyes. However, I was surprised at whose eyes I saw first, so I closed mine again. For a while, the image of Kurose-san gazing at me with a calm smile was burnt into my retinas.
***
One day, after studying for tests at cram school, I was walking to the station. The road was already completely dark.
Someone called out to me from behind.
“Kashima-kun.”
My heart skipped a beat—because even before I turned around, I already knew who it was.
“Kurose-san...” I said. “Did your classes just end?”
Kurose-san came up beside me and looked at me with a smile. “No, I was in the study room. I was studying there for tests, but it was getting late.”
“Ah, same. Those tests are coming up next week.”
“Yeah. I also want to watch Kino’s new videos. My backlog keeps piling up...”
“Speaking of videos, I watched one of your recommendations the other day...”
“Oh, really?!”
Thus, we began talking about gaming videos and got lost in our conversation on our way back from cram school.
“By the way, the other day, I watched KEN’s Mafia videos for the first time in a while, since you mentioned them,” said Kurose-san.
“Oh? What did you think?”
“They were fun! There may be some people out there who are better at Mafia than KEN, but it would be really hard to find someone who made videos of it that are more fun than his.”
“For real?”
When Kurose-san, a serious fan of Mafia, said something like that, it made me happy—as though I were the one receiving praise.
“You should check out his Yourcraft videos too, then, if you like,” I suggested.
“Ah, the ones with Ijichi-kun? I heard you talking about it the other day.”
“That’s right. I think it’ll be easier for you to get into them if you start from the episode where new people join in.”
“I guess so,” she said. “Okay, tell me what they’re called.”
“Right... Give me a sec, I’ll look them up. Wow, it’s that far back in the list? KEN, why do you upload so much?”
Chatting about this and that, we got to Station K before we knew it.
“Kurose-san, are you riding your bike home today?” I asked at the roundabout in front of the station.
Her eyes wandered a bit and she shook her head. “No, I’m walking.”
“I see...”
I hesitated because I recalled what had happened when I’d walked her home the other day. By coincidence, Runa had been waiting in front of her place and I’d run into her there, which had made her suspicious of me.
However, it was already ten in the evening. Kurose-san might have been only a friend, but I felt like, as a guy, I couldn’t just let a girl walk home alone.
After a moment of worrying, the conclusion I came to was...
“I can get home going down this street too,” I said. “Let me walk you to the convenience store past the turn on this main street.”
Taking that route would let me walk her home partway while having the honorable excuse of “having simply run into a classmate on the way home and walking part of the way together.”
Kurose-san looked a bit sad, but then, with rosy cheeks, she said, “Okay, thank you.” After we started walking, she spoke up again. “I’m sorry about last time. Runa got angry at you after that, right?”
She must’ve been talking about the time we’d run into her sister.
“Yeah... I mean, no, she didn’t get angry.”
“Really?” Kurose-san looked surprised at that. “It’s not often Runa gets mad at friends or the like, but at times when she did and I saw it, she was really scary. I thought even you might’ve seen that side of her.”
“Huh? W-Well... I guess I haven’t.”
Runa getting mad...? I’d seen her sulk in a coy way, get jealous, and be more open with her emotions than usual a few times, but I couldn’t even imagine her being openly angry with someone.
“Maybe there really is a difference between a boyfriend and a sister...” uttered Kurose-san, narrowing her eyes as though reminiscing about the past. “We were the best of friends and the biggest rivals. Or at the very least, I thought of us that way.”
“When did Shirakawa-san get angry?” I asked.
Kurose-san looked off into the distance. “I think Runa was the maddest that time with Chi-chan.” A small smile appeared on her face. “Chi-chan was a cat-shaped stuffed animal. When we were little and I went to our aunt’s place to play, I found her—the toy, that is—at a shopping mall. Our aunt bought her for me.”
We walked side by side on the wide sidewalk along a main street. Kurose-san continued speaking as she gazed at our feet, lit up by the streetlights.
“I didn’t have much interest in toys, though. I left the stuffed animal sitting around after I brought her home and Runa asked to have her. I let her. Runa named her Chi-chan and started making ribbons for the toy. She dressed her up in clothes she made out of handkerchiefs and began doting on the cat.”
As I imagined a young Runa, her cuteness brought a smile to my face and made my chest tight.
“And as I watched that happen, Chi-chan started looking really cute to me. I started regretting letting go of her. So when Runa was about to go outside with Chi-chan, I asked to have her back, and Runa got really angry. She shouted, ‘No!’ and hit me. I was only six or something like that at the time, but I remember it clearly. She was really scary in that moment.”
Kurose-san lightly bit her lip and hung her head. “Looking back on it now, I think I was in the wrong. But she didn’t have to get that angry at me either. I cried my eyes out when that happened.” She looked up with a faint, awkward smile on her face. Her gaze was directed at the crescent moon hanging low in the night sky. “I looked up to Runa. I wanted things that she loved. Maybe it didn’t have to be Chi-chan.” Kurose-san then smiled at me as I had been listening in silence. “We’re really nothing alike, right?”
“Y-Yeah...”
“By itself, being cute isn’t enough to become popular. Runa is loved because she’s Runa. That’s her talent.”
Kurose-san had a lot to say about Runa. When we talked about gameplay videos, we were able to participate in the discussion about equal amounts. But when it came to Runa, it must’ve been this way because she knew a lot more about her than I did. I figured she really wanted to say these things too.
That’s right. Kurose-san loves Runa. Even now. Enough that she wants to talk about her so much to someone.
“I envy Runa...” she said. “I didn’t have the talent of making people like me.”
It was heartrending how her profile revealed her feelings as she gazed up at the moon.
She’s beautiful. Always has been.
I’d loved this view to death. And my slim, short-lived hopes had been crushed four years ago when I’d confessed to her.
“That’s not true. You’ve been popular since your first year of middle school,” I said, recalling those days. A bitter feeling developed deep in my throat.
Had my heart not been broken that day, I would’ve been a whole different person. I’d only been able to confess to Runa because I’d intended to end my reckless unrequited love early on—after all, I’d been prepared to get rejected, just like it had happened back then.
The present lay right next to the past. I didn’t have any experience in romance, but it wasn’t like I’d never loved anyone before. If falling in love with someone and having that love be buried counted, then I most definitely had loved before.
I gave my first love to you. You might have had no use for it, but nonetheless, I don’t regret having fallen in love with you.
“Since middle school, huh,” uttered Kurose-san quietly as though digesting my words. “I was full of lies back then.” A self-deprecating smile developed on her face, and she looked at me. “That was me acting like a girl like Runa. So you fell in love with Runa, after all.”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “You’re you.”
She was completely different from Runa, even back then. I liked Kurose-san for who she was.
“So...I think a lot of people will come to love you in the future, if they understand what you’re really like,” I told her.
Her expression remained sullen, however. “A lot of people, you say...” she uttered with a sad smile, then looked at the moon with a distant gaze. “I guess I’ll never match that moon, huh.” Given that Runa’s name included the kanji for “moon,” Kurose-san must’ve been referring to that.
Then, I realized what she really felt.
“I’ll keep liking you as much as I want. That’s all.”
I felt like I now understood the true feelings hidden behind those words she’d said to me on the rooftop on the sports day.
Since that day, I’d been wondering about those words. She should’ve known full well I had no intention of breaking up with Runa, so why would she want to keep liking me?
I also recalled what Tanikita-san had said when Icchi had confessed to her at the cultural festival.
“Confessing your love isn’t a game. If a gacha has a one-in-ten chance of winning, you can spin it ten times and win once, but if you confess to the same person ten times with the same timing, that doesn’t mean it’ll go well one of those times. When there’s no chance, there’s really no chance. It’s not even like you can save scum in real life.”
“Isn’t it important not to be pushy with your feelings when it comes to love?”
At the time, I had thought about Kurose-san. Thinking that she loved me that much had shaken me.
But that wasn’t it. She simply didn’t play the gacha as she knew it wouldn’t give her what she wanted. Instead, she’d been waiting for a bug in it that could happen by chance. A glitch that would make me choose her instead of Runa.
It must’ve been painful. I’d always been thinking only about my relationship with Runa and worrying about how I should deal with Kurose-san.
Had I noticed Kurose-san’s true feelings from the start, I might’ve been able to more quickly notice the path I should take. I felt guilty about it.
“You should value your own world. Are you okay with the idea of not having any female friends your whole life?”
Sekiya-san had said that to me, but I figured there was an order to things.
I had never had a single female friend before I’d started going out with Runa in the first place. It had been rare for me to even talk to a girl at all.
Everything had begun with Runa. I’d discovered a new world because I’d started dating her.
Had it not been for Runa, I wouldn’t have grown close to Kurose-san after I’d seen her again. And surely I would’ve gone through this school year without having had a single conversation with either Yamana-san or Tanikita-san. I would’ve lost out on those opportunities.
All of this had happened because I had Runa. Runa was the most important thing to me. If it meant I’d lose her, I didn’t need to be close to any other girls.
I was different from Sekiya-san. The mere concept of having female friends had never existed in my world from the start.
And so, I figured this choice was the right one for me.
After we’d walked in silence for some time, I said, “I’m sorry, Kurose-san.”
Kurose-san gave me a puzzled look.
I continued. “We probably shouldn’t talk alone like this anymore.”
Her eyes widened and the expression on her face froze up.
“You’re a wonderful girl, and we have the same interests... It was fun talking to you. So... I’m really sorry I kept this up until now.” I spoke haltingly, not looking at her face. “Maybe if time passes...and if one day we get to become friends again...I want to talk to you again then.”
I knew it was selfish to say that. She might not want to become friends again with the kinda guy who one-sidedly said things like this. In fact, that seemed like the most likely option.
However, this was the only path I could choose.
“It hasn’t been long, but thank you for being one of my few friends,” I said.
When I looked at Kurose-san again, her expression was unexpectedly soft. “I should be the one thanking you,” she replied. There was a calm smile on her face, as though she’d been prepared for this day to come.
At some point, we’d reached the convenience store where we were to part ways.
“Goodbye...” I said. Although I’d brought up the matter, I couldn’t think of a way to extend the conversation any further, so I started to leave, just like that.
“Kashima-kun,” Kurose-san called out. “Can I ask you one last thing?”
“S-Sure.”
When I turned around, Kurose-san gave me a faint smile. “What made you fall in love with me in our first year of middle school?”
“Huh...?”
I didn’t expect to be asked such a thing, so I was too startled to figure out what to say.
I recalled my memories from when I’d been in love with her. The sounds that’d come from the seat next to mine—her breathing, her talking to people, everything else... Back then, every little thing she’d done had made my heart race.
While she’d been cute, she’d been nice, even to me. I’d thought she’d had a crush on me. It had been impossible for me not to fall for her.
“Because you were cute,” I said, unable to come up with a more decent answer no matter how much thought I gave the subject.
“I see.” Knitting her eyebrows just a little, Kurose-san smiled.
There was something on my mind too, and I figured I’d use this opportunity. “Can I ask you something too?” I said. “You rejected me long ago, so why did you start liking me now...?”
She’d said that she’d fallen for me when, as she’d put it, I’d heard her out and kindly scolded her after she’d spread those rumors about Runa. But was that really all there’d been to it? Had that been enough to fall for someone strongly enough to keep loving them even after they had rejected you?
I wanted to know about the unadorned feelings deep inside her heart.
Kurose-san gazed at me in silence for a while and then smiled as if releasing tension. “A long time ago... When I first met you, the most important thing to me was to have people like me. That was what kept me going after, as I thought, Dad didn’t choose me.”
I felt like I’d already heard that before.
“Making a guy like you means causing him to have romantic feelings for you, right? I didn’t care who liked me—I just wanted as many guys as possible to do so. I was relieved when people confessed to me. I rejected you because I had no intention of going out with anyone. It wasn’t important to me to fall in love, as if I started dating someone, I’d lose my popularity with others.”
I listened in silence.
“I fell in love with you...because I started hating that part of myself. And I figured there was no chance of people liking me anymore. I was utterly jealous of Runa, since she stayed popular even while she had a boyfriend. It also frustrated me that you believed Runa more than you believed me. You used to be mine... Back then, I could’ve just reached out... If I’d done that, your kindness would’ve been all mine... But now, almost all of it is directed at Runa...though you still show some of it to me every now and then... Your kindness was mine for the taking, every last drop of it...” Kurose-san hung her head a little as she spoke, biting her lip. “And as I had these thoughts, my head became full of you.”
I stood there in silence.
She looked up at me. “It’s so stupid, right? I know it myself.” Forcing another smile, Kurose-san turned her back to me. “Okay, I’m going now. Goodbye.”
“Right, okay...”
As I looked at her back as she retreated, I thought to myself, Ah, I see. Maybe I was “Chi-chan” all along.
I recalled what Yamana-san had said to me the other day.
“If a girl approaches you in the future, you better keep in mind that she’s not focused on you personally, but on Runa.”
Kurose-san looked up to her sister.
“Sometimes a guy who’s not even your type starts to look fifty percent more handsome because if she chose him, then he must be great.”
Just as Tanikita-san had said, that kind of mentality might’ve been at play here.
I felt complicated about it. A part of me was relieved, but a part of me was disappointed too.
Kurose-san walked farther and farther away from me, not turning around once.
She hadn’t been looking at me—she’d been looking at Runa. Didn’t that mean her true happiness lay in restoring her bonds with Runa?
“Maybe I’m overthinking it, though.”
No matter how much thought I gave it, it wasn’t like a virgin like me could figure out the truth. All I could do for now was pray that Runa’s project made progress and the sisters could quickly go back to their old relationship.
There was nothing left for me to do.
As these thoughts went through my head, Kurose-san continued to grow smaller in the distance. She was walking along the last stretch of road leading to her place. It was a narrow back street hundreds of meters long with a dangerous air about it. There was also that desolate shrine in front of her apartment building.
She was about to pass the shrine and was nearly at her apartment building. I figured I’d watch her get inside and then go home, but...
As she was a mere speck in the distance, another figure suddenly appeared and headed toward her from behind. I watched, feeling uneasy for some reason, and after a short while, I heard a scream. It came from far away and was so quiet that nobody else on the street I was on paid any attention to it.
Since I’d seen that figure earlier, I grew concerned and started running. I couldn’t see Kurose-san anymore. Had that scream been just my imagination? Had she already made her way into her apartment building...?
I wanted that to be the case.
And as I was about to run past the entrance to the shrine with that hope in mind...
A black figure jumped out in front of me.
“Whoa!!!”
I jumped back in surprise, and that person—seemingly a man—ran past me.
It wasn’t Kurose-san.
I looked around for her, and then...
“Kurose-san?!”
I found her collapsed on the shrine grounds.
“Are you okay?!” I called out as I approached.
She sat up unsteadily. “Kashima...kun...?”
“What happened, Kurose-san...?”
“A man I don’t know assaulted me...” she said. Her face was utterly pale, and she was trembling.
The man she mentioned must’ve been the person who’d jumped out in front of me earlier.
“When I screamed, he pushed me...”
I couldn’t just leave her like this, so I lent her my shoulder and helped her up. The suspicious man had long since run away, and I took Kurose-san to a nearby police box.
“Oh, a molester? Yeah, we get those at that shrine...”
“You must’ve been through a lot. Tell us more in this room over there.”
Two police officers came out and led the trembling Kurose-san to the room deeper inside.
“And you are? A friend?” an elderly officer asked me.
I froze up. I...couldn’t say we were friends. Not anymore.
“No... I’m her classmate. I happened to pass by.”
Seeming to have sensed something from my reaction, the officer suddenly assumed a distant attitude.
“Oh, I see. Okay, leave the rest to us. I’m sure your parents will worry if you don’t go home.”
“Ah, yes...”
The sliding door of the police box closed, and with no other option left for me, I began to walk away.
The main street with the police box on it was well lit and had a lot of car traffic. Adults going home from work walked by at a brisk pace on the sidewalk, overtaking me as I walked slowly.
Had I been the way I’d been until today, there was no doubt that Kurose-san would’ve avoided such a fate. I surely would have walked her all the way home.
However, I had chosen this path.
But while I thought about that, regret weighed down on my chest and filled me with gloom.
What am I supposed to do...?
After walking absentmindedly for a while with my hands stuck in the pockets of my trousers, I stopped once my apartment building came into view.
I took out my phone and called Runa. She answered on the fifth ring.
“Hello. Ryuto?” she said. “It’s unusual for you to call me all of a sudden! Yay!”
Hearing Runa’s cheerful voice brought me sudden relief and made me all smiles.
“Hi, Runa...”
“What’s up?”
“Hey, can you call your mother?”
Runa seemed to be taken aback by my question. “Huh? My mom?”
“Yeah...” I hesitated for a moment. “Kurose-san just had an encounter with a molester. She’s talking to the police now. They’ll want a parent to pick her up.”
Either Kurose-san or the police officers would surely call about this themselves eventually, so maybe there was no need for me to do this.
Still...
This was the only thing that I, someone who wasn’t even her friend, could do for Kurose-san. She had been suddenly hurt in mind and body by a stranger even though she hadn’t done anything wrong. She must’ve been feeling alone and helpless in front of police officers right now.
Even if we weren’t friends anymore, we were still classmates. I didn’t want to reject even the desire to do something for a fellow human being.
And besides, I needed to talk to Runa too. It seemed to be the only way to clear up the ill feeling in my chest.
“What?! That happened to Maria?! O-Okay, I got it... I’ll try calling Mom...” said Runa, bewildered. “Wait, you were with Maria?”
“About that... Can we meet up for a bit right now? I’ll come by your house.”
There was no reply on the line.
“Runa?” I asked, thinking she might not have heard me.
At that point, a reply finally came. “Ah, okay... Sure...”
For some reason, her voice sounded dark and gloomy.
***
We met up at a convenience store about fifty meters away from Runa’s house.
I watched her walk over from in front of her place wearing a coat over the usual clothing she wore at home. There was a brooding expression on her face.
The first thing she said once she came closer was...
“What’s going on? Is this something we have to talk about today, even this late?”
“Yeah. So...”
I was about to begin talking, but tears suddenly spilled from Runa’s eyes.
“Wh-What’s wrong?!”
“I can’t,” she said. She pushed me away as I panicked, and she wiped her tears with her fingers. “I can’t do this... And it’s Maria, right? I just can’t take it...”
“Take what?” I asked. “What I’m trying to say is...”
“No!” she exclaimed, shaking her head like an unruly child. “I won’t hear it, okay...? You haven’t told me anything yet, so I’ll pretend you never called me out here...”
“What’re you...?”
“You cheated on me, didn’t you? With Maria... Though of course, since it’s you we’re talking about, it’d be ‘a change of heart’ instead of ‘cheating’...”
“N—”
“It’s fine!” She cut me off, sounding desperate. “If it’s you, I can forgive cheating...! I won’t contact you for a while, so calm down and give it some thought. Don’t tell me you wanna break up... Come back to me...”
“You got it wrong, Runa,” I said.
“Goodbye...”
As she turned around, it felt like everything was in slow motion. I wanted to call out and stop her, but my voice wouldn’t come out. She had already started walking away.
“W—”
I wanted to tell her to wait, but my voice was caught in my throat.
I’d always looked up to the way KEN played shooters—he was quick and didn’t hesitate when taking shots. I, on the other hand, was indecisive, and it showed in my gameplay too.
Which enemy was I supposed to target first? How would my allies act? It was scary to get shot... Intrusive thoughts like that would chip away at my concentration, and before I knew it, I’d lost the opportunity to aim my shots.
It was the same in the real world.
When Runa’s phone had broken in the school hallway that time. And on that rainy day when I couldn’t chase after her back. Both times had led to long periods of regret afterward, even though the answer inside me had always been clear from the start.
My heart was always directed at Runa at any given time. But if I ran after her and she rejected me... The thought of being hurt by that scared me.
But was it really okay to stay that way forever?
The two of us were the ones who were dating each other. I’d always let Runa choose where to go for our dates or decide where our relationship was headed. I’d always let her be the one to say what she wanted to do.
Was I really okay with that? Wouldn’t it make sense for Runa to become worried?
I had to show some courage. The courage to say what I wanted to happen.
“Wait, Runa!”
My loud voice drew the curious stare of an office worker who’d just stepped out of the convenience store.
Runa stopped for a moment. Taking this opportunity, I caught up to her and grabbed her hand.
“I told you, you got it wrong,” I began, but she kept her back turned to me. “You’re always like this. Always running away without hearing me out. We should talk. Didn’t you say that yourself?”
Shaking off my hand, Runa turned to face me. “I don’t wanna... It’s scary... It’s scary, okay...?” As she looked up at me, her eyes were wet with tears. “I don’t want my important people to leave me anymore... I wanna become a family with you, and if you leave me, I’ll be losing someone who’s just as important as my family again.”
As we stood by a utility pole next to the convenience store, passersby pretended not to see us as they went on their way.
“I was thinking I shouldn’t fall in love with you any more than I already have,” she continued. “I wanna stop my feelings from growing; I wanna run away... But you never betray me. You wait for me, as selfish as I am... Why? Why is it me? I’m not such a good girl.”
“Runa...”
“I’m worried. If I stay like this...you might go to a different girl one day.” She stopped me with her eyes before I could speak further and looked down. “Maria has substance. Not like me, somebody who’s simply swept by the currents... Even I would want to date Maria instead of me, if I was a guy.”
“That’s what you’ve been thinking?” I asked.
The discomposure I’d felt until now settled down as I listened to Runa lay her heart bare. Even though she was such a wonderful girl, she still had her own complexes. She looked up to people who had things that she didn’t. That human side of her made her feel closer. I found it sweet.
“Okay, then let me start with this,” I began again, prompting Runa to look up at me. “You’re the only one I want to date. Now and forever.”
Joy immediately spread through her face.
It was an embarrassing thing to say, but this was no time to be shy. No matter how endlessly deep my love for her ran, if I didn’t show it with my words and actions, it was as good as nonexistent—at least as far as Runa was concerned.
The reason I hadn’t told Runa about everything that had happened between me and Kurose-san until now wasn’t because I’d had an ulterior motive. I hadn’t been hoping for a shot to be with Kurose-san. Instead, it was because I’d been thinking of the relationship between the two sisters. If I’d told Runa everything and it made things more awkward between them, that wasn’t a desirable outcome for me.
But if this half-hearted attitude of mine, which had used kindness as an excuse, had ended up making Runa worried... It was only natural that a guy like that didn’t set her heart aflutter.
Whether I told Runa about them or not, the things that had happened between me and Kurose-san wouldn’t change.
I’d say everything, and then it would be up to the two of them to decide what to do afterward. I would believe in Runa and release the worries from her mind.
As I had these thoughts, Sekiya-san’s words flashed through the back of my mind.
“There are some things people are better off not knowing. Being faithful doesn’t mean sharing every single thing with your girlfriend.”
Maybe he was right. But there was something else that Runa had said to me before.
“We’re completely different and all. So we might have misunderstandings, like the other day... So I think we should tell each other our thoughts so it doesn’t come to that again.”
I wasn’t dating Sekiya-san. I was dating Runa.
That was why I should’ve believed what Runa had said to me. From the beginning, and before consulting other people.
After a long silence, I took in a deep breath and spoke up. “I was never popular with girls and I’m not good at this... I’m sorry this is the only way I can show my sincerity.” As Runa didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, I continued. “Earlier tonight, I quit being friends with Kurose-san. So I can’t help with your Friendship Project anymore.”
“Huh...?” She held her breath for a moment. “What do you mean?! But you said she had an encounter with a molester... Weren’t you together?”
“Well, we ran into each other at Station K on our way home from cram school... It happened after we went our separate ways. I don’t think she would’ve been assaulted had I been together with her.”
Runa remained silent.
“What I’m about to say might give you mixed feelings...but I wanted to tell you my honest feelings toward Kurose-san,” I said.
She nodded lightly with a stern look on her face.
“In summer, someone took a picture of me and Kurose-san supposedly hugging each other... The day before that, she called me to a gym storage room and confessed to me.”
Runa continued to look at me, holding her breath.
“We were alone together and she clung to me... And then I pushed her down.”
Runa’s eyes widened.
“Of course, I didn’t do anything more than that... I’m sorry I kept it from you until now.”
In reality, there’d been more to the story—Kurose-san had called me while mimicking Runa’s voice to get me there and had acted like her while seducing me. But saying anything else at this point would just be making excuses.
“So after that and everything else...it was difficult not to see Kurose-san as a girl. I thought it was best I stopped being friends with her.”
Runa was silent for a while. “Why didn’t you go all the way?” she asked eventually. “You were alone with her in the gym storage room, right?”
She gazed at me with a face that betrayed no emotion. It was scary, but I had no choice but to answer her.
“Because I wanted my first time to be with you.”
Was I too much of a virgin for saying that? There was nothing I could do, though. This was who I was. If I tried to show off, the truth would slip out eventually.
“Oh, but it’s not like I would’ve been okay with cheating on you if I’d had sex before,” I added. “It’s just that...I still can’t imagine what it would be like after that... It doesn’t feel real.”
Runa gazed at me for a while after that. “Didn’t you love Maria, though?”
“That was back in my first year of middle school.”
Despite my answer, the clouds didn’t leave her face.
“I’ve never gone through with a one-sided love...but I think it’s a really powerful feeling when you fall in love with someone and want to tell them that,” Runa said, hanging her head somewhat. She seemed to be reflecting on every word I’d said. “Every time I think how you felt that way about Maria, things start to feel so hopeless. Normally I try not to think about it, though.” She seemed to be in pain as she spoke, which made me depressed too. “I’m scared. So...earlier, when you said you wanted to talk, I thought you might’ve switched over to Maria.”
“Runa...”
“I’m happy that you stopped because of me, but I hate myself for the fact I’m sure I’ll get worried in the future every time I remember that you used to love Maria...”
Tears welled up in her eyes again.
“Then what should I do?” I asked, having no answer to the situation. “No matter how much I love you now, the fact that I’d once fallen in love with Maria and confessed to her won’t change. If that will bother you no matter what, then...”
As I considered whether I should say it or not, my throat, eyes, and the depths of my nose grew hot.
There’s no way, right?
Am I going to...? Here in public, with people walking by...? And in front of my girlfriend...?
But despite those thoughts, it was too late to stop myself.
“We can’t...keep going out...” I said.
It felt like a hot drop of water had fallen from the inner corner of my right eye.
I was crying. It was disgraceful, but it was the truth. While I was baffled by it, I couldn’t stop the pain in my heart.
In truth, I didn’t want to say something like that. I absolutely didn’t want to break up with Runa. I wanted us to be together forever. From the bottom of my heart.
But still.
“You can’t do anything about the past...” I said.
If time machines existed and I could use one to go back to my first year in middle school...I’d tell myself from the past that a really wonderful girl would appear in the future, and unbelievably enough, she’d become my girlfriend. I’d stress to him that he shouldn’t confess to any other girls.
But that wasn’t an option. Time machines didn’t exist.
Why did Runa only say things like this to me? Truth be told, even I... If we were talking about stuff like this, even I didn’t want Runa to have dated anyone before. Anyone other than me.
But that felt like the one thing I wasn’t allowed to say as I understood it full well in my mind. Had it not been for her past experiences, Runa as she was now wouldn’t be in front of me now.
“I’m sorry, Ryuto. Don’t cry.”
I came back to my senses when something fluffy touched my face. Runa was wiping my tears with the sleeve of her at-home top.
She was crying too.
“I was wrong,” she said, gazing at me with reddened eyes. “I was supposed to know better than anyone that nothing can be done about the past.” With that, Runa clung to me as though she were leaping into my arms. “You accepted me, so I’ll accept your past too. All of it—including the part where you loved Maria.”
A floral-or-fruity scent tickled my nostrils. I tightly hugged her warmth that felt so good to the touch.
“I want us to become the kind of couple who love each other for real. So I have to face your past as it really is, you know?”
As she spoke into my ear, emotions came over me.
“Runa...”
“I’m sorry, Ryuto. I won’t run anymore. No matter what happens between us in the future.” With that, she pulled away and looked at me. “Now that I think about it, what I was worried about wasn’t your past. I was worried about how you feel now. I still think there’s some part of you left that loves Maria. She’s cute, after all.”
“I do think she’s nice,” I admitted.
As late as it was, I was embarrassed about having cried. I sniffled quietly and tried to act like it had never happened.
“That’s why I quit being friends with her,” I then added.
Guilt ate away at me as I recalled Kurose-san trembling after her encounter with the molester. But still...
“You’re the one I love. But if Kurose-san’s thinking well of me too... If I stayed friends with her, I couldn’t say for sure that there’d never be a moment in the future that could make you worried.”
That was why this was the only way forward. And I hoped that the guy who’d assaulted Kurose-san would get caught soon.
“You’re too honest, you know,” Runa said suddenly. “Most guys would lie about this. They’d say something like ‘I only see you’ or ‘I don’t have eyes for any other girl.’”
Perhaps remembering the past, Runa clasped her hands behind her back and kicked at the ground as if having nothing else she could do.
“They cheat, though. Guys who say things like that.” Her face clouded over and Runa shook her head. “I’m sick of that, so I’m happy you’re so honest,” she said, hanging her head. There was a faint smile on her face.
“I’m sorry I can’t do this any other way. If I knew my stuff better...I might’ve been able to keep helping with your Friendship Project.”
Runa shook her head. “I’m the one who should apologize. I kept being wrong about everything.” She looked down again with a bittersweet expression on her face. “I didn’t really want to be friends with Maria, but sisters. I got you caught up in this whole ‘Friendship Project’ thing...and it ruined your relationship with Maria as a result...”
She shared her thoughts while she hung her head. The light from the convenience store lit up her cheek and made her skin shine white. Runa probably wasn’t wearing makeup right now, but even in this situation, she was utterly beautiful.
“I was scared, so I couldn’t approach her directly. Maria hates me, after all,” she said sorrowfully. Runa looked up at me. “I’m sorry that me being a coward made trouble for you. Maria was your first love, so of course you couldn’t not see her as a girl just because you’re going out with me...”
As I silently looked on, Runa continued.
“Despite that, you say you love me, but in the end, I pretty much tested you...”
She then went quiet, as though in regret. The silence lasted for a while.
After some thought, I spoke up. “I don’t think Kurose-san hates you.”
“Huh...?”
“She said she transferred to this school because she wanted to please you. But when she saw how you reacted, she felt betrayed...and so she ended up doing what she did.”
Runa stared at me with surprise written on her face.
“And besides, she’s taking good care of that moon earring and carrying it around. She said you gave it to her.”
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login