Chapter 4.5: Kurose Maria’s Diary
Guess you got rejected, Maria.
Since I was in primary school, I’ve had all kinds of boys confess to me. If I had felt like it, I should’ve been able to get a boyfriend whenever I liked.
Runa’s an idiot, so she lets them take her for a ride. She agrees to date them and then they break up when it doesn’t work out. That’s how she earned herself the badge of a slut.
But I wouldn’t make such a mistake.
I know my value as a woman. I’m not about to sell myself short.
I should give my first time to a perfect guy who’s right for me. That’s what I believed as I protected my chastity until now.
But...
When I fell in love for the first time for real, such a thing didn’t matter anymore.
Kashima-kun isn’t perfect at all. And yet I was going to give him my everything. Wanted to do so.
It was my last chance to turn things around for myself. A gamble.
But I was completely rejected. Branded as a girl who wasn’t even worth having sex with. Or so I thought as I felt down, at first.
However, now that some time has passed, I’ve started thinking that maybe that wasn’t the case.
At the very least, Kashima-kun didn’t use me to fulfill his desires.
Remembering how he was that night, I can tell he wanted to do it with me. Even now, I can vividly recall his sweaty skin, his rough breathing, and the parts of his body that grew hot...
And even after he found out I wasn’t Runa, he still hesitated for a moment. So, in his mind, there was an option of going all the way with me. And that means he didn’t find me unsatisfactory, right?
If, to Kashima-kun, I was a girl he could have sex with, he would’ve definitely done so. In fact, I think he might’ve even kept a relationship going with me after that, until he lost interest in me. I’m sure a lot of guys would’ve done that in his shoes.
But he didn’t.
Does he love Runa that much?
When I think about that, it frustrates me, but those words he said to me back then are my source of comfort now.
“I feel sorry for you too,” he’d said.
He held back for my sake. I can think of it that way, right?
Either way, I’m hurt. Is this better than having him have sex with me until he lost interest and then threw me aside? I have no way of knowing that as I am now.
But... While it’s painful now, and I can’t think that way at all...
If, one day, I meet a guy I can fall in love with as much as I love Kashima-kun...
And if that time, I can get him to love me back...
Then maybe, when that time comes, I’ll be grateful for Kashima-kun’s decision.
If I’m able to give my first everything to the person I love from the bottom of my heart and who loves me back the same way...
“You fell in love with a nice guy, Maria.”
“Your first love was a good experience, right?”
Perhaps I’ll be able to tell myself that.
But right now, it still hurts so much.
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login