Monogatari Series - Volume 30 - Chapter 1.25

025

And now for the epilogue, or rather, the punch line.

The day after returning from my trip to Oku-Nikko in Tochigi Prefecture, on which we had used up our extra day visiting the Oya History Museum, I was greeted by none other than Chief Kouga of Naoetsu Station’s Hearsay Department, and her boss, the ever-youthful Gaen-san, with whom I had not met in so long that I couldn’t recall the last time. They gave me an incredibly intense scolding, one that made me wonder if it was really possible for a person to be scolded so much, let alone a working adult like myself—I would have understood if I were still in high school or even a university student. In all honesty, I felt like crying.

Part of me wanted to retort, to ask what reward this was for having devoted myself to my job in the midst of my honeymoon. But, if their chastisement was meant not for me, but for Shinobu, who is under my care and protection, I had no choice but to willingly accept it.

After all, it is the parent who bears the responsibility for their child.

That night, the shooting star I had witnessed—Oshino Shinobu—had not used her own legendary sword, the “Aberration Killer” derived from Shishirui Seishirou’s “Kokorowatari,” to brilliantly slash through the overcast sky.

As the name suggests, that mythical blade was specialized in slaying aberrations and couldn’t cut through even the frail human skin. Therefore, it was utterly incapable of cutting through clouds, raindrops, or even water vapor—it was beyond dull.

Had the rain we encountered been the trick of a nine-tailed fox, the sword would have displayed its maximum effect, but it was nothing more than an extremely common, natural phenomenon.

So what was the great sword that my shooting star had wielded that night?

It turns out that this was related to the temporary closure of the Treasure Museum at Futarasan Chugu Shrine, located next to Lake Chuzenji. Just before Hitagi had charged up Irohazaka in her minivan, Shinobu had slipped out of my shadow in the midst of the crowds while I was lost in a daydream, or rather meditation, and warped to Chugu shrine. From there, she managed to swipe the sacred blade, Nenekirimaru, that was on display in the Treasure Museum.

Warped?

No, it wasn’t a vampire skill, but rather the connection between the shrines that acted as a navigation—in any case, Shinobu daringly took a shortcut up Irohazaka, and somehow brought out a national treasure-class Japanese sword, without permission.

With that legendary sword, she dispelled the thick rainclouds.

All for the purpose of gifting us a starry night sky.

“You know, Koyomin, taking out Nenekirimaru for your own use is a serious crime on its own. But changing the weather? That’s a huge deal. Hasn’t Kouga told you that the air is connected all around the world? By clearing the skies above Senjougahara, do you realize how many areas suffered heavy downpours as a result? Everywhere but where you were—Tochigi Prefecture, the Killing Stone—turned into a rainstorm like a fox’s wedding. It’s such a disaster that Tamamo-no-Mae’s revival is nothing in comparison. Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were landslides all over the place. It’s just a coincidence that there wasn’t any significant damage.”

I had hoped Gaen-san would praise me when we met again, but to the utmost disappointment—as far as I know, I’m the only one who’s ever been scolded so much by this gentle, ageless and wise lady.

“Yes, neither my honor student Kouga, nor Yotsugi, Kaiki, or even Meme, have ever experienced a scolding like this.”

“Heh.”

“What are you laughing at, Koyomin? We’re not done with the lecture, but you seem to be in good spirits. Did something good happen?”

Oh yeah.

Though it was just a tiny bit, I felt as if I had surpassed the seemingly transparent intentions of the man in a Hawaiian shirt—and of course, after exhibiting its remarkable cutting ability, Nenekirimaru was returned to the treasure museum.

Neither chipped nor dulled, and with a sheen to rival even the stars themselves, it had grown even more radiant.

Well, if that hadn’t been the case, I would have gotten the chop, professionally and biologically speaking.

But since it didn’t happen, and I didn’t have to meet with my wife in prison, I owed a great debt of gratitude to Gaen-san, who went to great lengths on my behalf—more than I can ever express. But I must likewise thank Kanbaru Suruga.

It’s a mystery how she managed to pull it off, or who she pulled her strings with, and I have no intention of digging too deep. But somehow, she was able to find Shinobu even before we reached Senjougahara.

She was on par with the CIA.

Unfortunately, she didn’t make it in time for the theft of the Nenekirimaru, but even at that point, Shinobu’s drastic plan—I won’t go into the details, but had it been executed, it wouldn’t have been just the sky that was torn apart; Tochigi Prefecture itself might have been split in two, just like the Utsunomiya Gyoza Statue or the stone. However, before it could be carried out, Kanbaru Suruga discovered the missing girl and, after a struggle reminiscent of six years ago, managed to realistically sophisticate the situation.

It wasn’t that she saw no evil, spoke no evil, and heard no evil.

She saw, spoke, and she made her hear.

I was grateful for that alone, but when Kanbaru, the medical student, got involved in Shinobu’s cloudy sky surgery plan, even Gaen-san couldn’t bring herself to execute us—Kanbaru’s mother was her one and only Achilles heel.

We were protected by our junior’s prestige.

The epitome of a life lived through connections.

“Well, well, Gaen-senpai, that’s enough. Despite everything, Assistant Inspector Araragi has done the bare minimum of what he was expected to do,” said Chief Kouga, offering me a follow-up in the end—though it came too late.

“The Killing Stone split naturally, like the weather—you guys who cut through the cloudy sky with brute force say so, so there’s no doubt. At least for now.”

“For now? You’re leaving room for doubt, Chief Kouga.“

“It’s a weak doubt though. The Killing Stone might feel lonely if we assert that there’s no nine-tailed fox, just like Toshogu Shrine would be lonely without Hidari Jingorou. And I want to try those Nasu dishes someday too.”

With that last remark, Chief Kouga concluded her lecture—in her own peculiar way. In any case, that marked the climax of the honeymoon for the Araragi couple.

Ah, well…

No more the Araragi couple—that was in the past.

The beginning of our story was about Senjougahara Hitagi marrying Araragi Koyomi, and thus becoming Araragi Hitagi. In order to mourn the loss of her family name, we decided to go on a honeymoon in Tochigi Prefecture. It was filled with countless twists and turns, but looking back on the trip, there was no question that it was wonderful. However, before long, the very foundation of its meaning was turned upside down.

Even married, Hitagi continued to work at the Japanese branch of her foreign finance firm. Shortly after our honeymoon, she found herself modestly involved in a historic event—or rather, it would be modest to say that she was involved, because in truth she was at the heart of the storm.

It seemed that, while her cell phone had been turned off during our time in Senjougahara, an unimaginable, man-made global economic crisis had occurred somewhere on Earth, and her company bore the brunt of it. Being in the thick of it all, there was no way I could stay out of the matter either, so I ended up getting involved as both a husband and an FBI trainee—in the end, we managed to resolve the situation.

It was a hard-won battle with some underhanded tricks thrown in, but we persevered.

As the price for regaining tranquility, however, our little family—Hitagi, me, and our daughter—had to make a major change in our lives for at least a short while. Both the boathouse and the trailer house needed to be given up.

In a word, we were now part of the Witness Protection Program.

We had to change our names entirely and wait patiently for the storm to pass. Hence, we are no longer Araragi Koyomi or Senjougahara Hitagi; not even Araragi Hitagi. Neither Oshino Shinobu nor Araragi Shinobu.

Separate surnames, separate identities.

It must be rare for a family to deal with the delicate issue of shared surnames in such a dynamic fashion, but it was so like us. We had no idea how long we’d have to live like this until the dust settles, but I’m genuinely happy to have shared this unique experience with my dear wife and beloved daughter. Perhaps this is what one should call true family unity. Once again, we find happiness in sharing mercilessly poured misfortunes, and I believe we are the happiest in the world.

But this is not the happy ending.

Our happiness has only just begun.

Hmm? So, what’s the new name for our family, you ask? Come now, it’s not raining, so don’t go pouring such stand-offish questions. We’ve been together for so long, after all, you’re practically family to me.

We may disappear for a while.

But if you ever miss us, feel free to call out to us however you like.