Monogatari Series - Volume 30 - Chapter 1.13

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I could ramble on about this, but it wouldn’t amount to anything more than a pathetic excuse at this point. But I swear to God, I swear to Hachikuji, it’s not that I’ve forgotten—I’d even swear to Hanekawa if I must.

Just as Shinobu said, the incident was a primal encounter for me that transcended even the most horrifying of experiences. Spring break had influenced me more profoundly than any prenatal education could have. Not even the Weight Crab, no one could take away that memory from me—and really, who could blame me for not wanting to fight the league of vampire hunters ever again after living through that?

Now, here I am, six years later. I can’t deny that both my resolve and commitment to Shinobu have grown lax—I should have devoted my entire life to her but it seems, at some point, it had all become halfhearted.

Maybe it wasn’t Shinobu’s seal that had weakened.

Maybe it was my oath to her.

Ah, yes. It’s as clear as day: common sense, a rule, a prerequisite, the equality under the law. It’s the law of nature, the ecosystem, the food chain, the pyramid.

Vampires feed on humans, and humans are their prey.

They suck their blood, bite into their flesh, crush their bones, swallow their organs, chew on their brains—devouring their very souls.

They trample on existence.

Of course, there are various opinions on this, and not every vampire is a gourmet glutton like Deathstopia Virtuoso Suicide-Master. A European castle had taught me that vampires have individualities—but ultimately, humans are nothing more than food for them.

Just as we eat meat and vegetables, vampires eat people.

Like wild beasts; their very existence is enough to pose a significant threat and inspire fear. It’s not for no reason that they take center stage in horror tales and their legends themselves are eccentric.

It’s only natural to be afraid of them, and there’s no helping that.

But in the case of Shinobu, she went beyond the mere act of eating a human—Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade did not just eat people.

She devoured them.

Right before my eyes.

Ravenously, greedily, voraciously.

She feasted, savoring the taste of the human flesh.

It was precisely because of this that I, on that spring break, broke away with “her” decisively and, despite being a servant myself, I raised my rebellion against my master and engaged in a fierce battle with the King of Aberrations on the grounds of Naoetsu High School.

I could not forgive her for eating humans.

I could not forgive her.

“……”

That’s right.

For instance, even if we intellectually know that lions and tigers attack humans, once we’ve actually witnessed them doing so, we are unlikely to ever again see them as simple objects for observation at the zoo.

Similarly, if we were ever to be attacked by a wild dog, we would no longer be able to consider them as friends of mankind. There was a world of difference between dying at the hands of a wild boar in the mountains and in the maw of a bear.

Even though there may be legitimate reasons for culling bears that have attacked humans, such as the fact that they have developed a taste for human flesh, could it be that a deep and visceral repulsion forms the undercurrent for such actions?

Unforgivable, isn’t it? Isn’t it more frightening than anything else?

Those predators.

The ecological pyramid in the food chain.

So, our desire for punishment should be exceptionally strong as a result.

“……”

At least, that was what my high school self had perceived. Six years later, now an adult, that perspective had undoubtedly experienced an update.

It had changed.

Back when I was seventeen, I felt utterly unforgiving and was overcome with anger, but now, at twenty-four, I must admit.

I had forgiven quite a bit, Shinobu, who ate a man in front of me.

Somewhere along the way, I’d forgiven her.

That anger, that feeling of, let’s call it hatred, that resentment, honestly, didn’t last… Since Spring Break, I’ve had many experiences, met many people, and learned of many strange phenomena.

Since becoming a cop, I’ve dealt with tragic and baffling cases, as well as cases that made me want to turn my eyes away in despair for humanity—and, the memory of a person being eaten in front of me could never fade. But it’s only fair to admit that back then, as a high school student, I was maybe too fastidious.

Conversely, now I am tainted.

I forgive people more easily than I used to. I realized that I myself was no saint. I’ve grown tired of remaining angry, and I’ve realized the futility of that anger. I’ve grown tired of constantly feeling sad, understanding that sadness won’t go away just by grieving. It could be that I’ve become kinder, but does that mean I’ve become kinder to myself, who continues to be wounded? 

“Humph. Don’t fall into despair so readily, my master. It’s hard to know how to console you when you’re like this. I would rather praise you. This is because you have managed to tame me, a monster, so skillfully over these six years. You have trained me, a beast, and now I see no reason to feed on humans. If I had to say, I prefer vegetables or donuts, Mister Donut in particular.”

“……”

“But, even so, it does not erase the past where I’ve fed on humans. In your professional terms, my criminal record is not expunged. I’m still in the midst of a suspended sentence. And it’s not just that one who I ate before your eyes; there have been a considerable number of humans I’ve devoured over the past six hundred years—though not as many as Death.”

A monster.

Could she be welcomed into a family as a daughter?

“You can do it, no? It’s what you’ve always done. I believe you will. There’s no doubt about that—but what about the mistress? With how she innocently became excited over topics such as Turtle Soup and the marshmallow test, could it be that she doesn’t even know that I eat humans?”

“S-She likely doesn’t know. I haven’t told her.”

Aside from the specialists, the only one who might know about this was Hanekawa for being involved in that spring break. Well, I haven’t explicitly told her, but maybe Kanbaru might have had a hunch as well… She had some connections to specialists. What she hesitated to say at the gate where we met might have been just that.

Although you may have forgotten—I’ll say it again, I haven’t. It’s just that a lid was placed on my consciousness. I had become accustomed to not thinking about it. To glossing over it.

When I started dating Hitagi, I promised not to keep secrets about aberrations. But, there were still things I could and couldn’t discuss—convenient lines drawn, even for me. Wasn’t the reason I couldn’t tell anyone that I was protecting the man-eating Shinobu because it weighed on my conscience?

“Nevertheless, she is your spouse. She has experienced many tragedies, and her spirit is firmly settled. Perhaps she has the capacity to accept a weakened, powerless me. If you say so.”

“……”

“Well then, even so, it’s no more than a personal matter between you and her. Right now, the idea might seem unthinkable, but someday the two of you may be blessed with a child. How then will you explain this to the child? That their ‘big sister’ is a cannibal?”

One might wonder if this was some sort of drama about a criminal family. As a police officer, it’s an issue I couldn’t ignore. As if the decision wasn’t already difficult enough, there were cases where choice was nonexistent—children can’t choose their parents or their siblings.

Furthermore, as a parent or prospective parent, there is no avoiding the dangers that come with it. That is to say, the possibility that your own child could become prey for a vampire. If it were someone else’s problem, I would certainly offer fair warning.

Because I trust Shinobu as she trusts me, I foolishly believed that a tragedy like that could never happen. It’s just that… welcoming a monster into my family was not an easy task.

I carry this sin with me.

Without any surprises or casual skirting around the subject, if I were to formally bring it up, Hitagi might indict me for that sin. But if I may use a clichéd phrase—

Our unborn child would be innocent of all blame.

“See? ‘Tis impossible for you to adopt me as a daughter, to become family. Whether you try to tame me, neuter me, domesticate me, or enslave me, a beast will always be a beast. You’ve done well to even treat me as a pet, when that alone would be inherently dangerous.”

“…Shinobu.”

“Correct, I am Shinobu. Oshino Shinobu. Do not involve her—the mistress, or your future child.”

Kaka.

She laughed, like a mischievous spirit.22

“I shall lurk within your shadow and watch over you. I have no intention of joining your household, nor do I wish to become a part of your family. Being a slave is sufficient for me. Quietly watching over your growth from the shadows is an enjoyable way to pass the time—along with, perhaps, witnessing the development of your children with the mistress.”

In the face of my own thoughtlessness, and, indeed, my shamefulness, I could do little but fall silent. It wasn’t a silence of acceptance, however. I tried to squeeze out even a single word, but even such muttered pleas found themselves locked away, as if sealed by the heavens.

“Ah?”

Suddenly, a large raindrop struck the nape of my neck, right at the site of a vampire’s bite. With a force that felt as if I’d been struck.

“A raindrop—Rain?”

From there, everything happened in the blink of an eye.

From the completely overcast night sky of the Nasu Highlands, torrential rain fell like a barrage—a poet might have remarked that just as our hearts weep, so does the sky. Unprepared and without an umbrella, my only choice was to drag myself away from the Killing Stone.

Oh, what misfortune it is to be getting drenched in rain at a place like this—or, actually, it might have been a convenient rain for me, at least a part of me thought of it that way. After all, it created the perfect excuse to not continue this unbearable and terrifying “ghost story” any further—however, it was a rain so strong it could ruin the entire trip. 

“A moment ago, there was a small shelter with a roof just over there. For now, let us weather the storm there, master,” said the soaked Shinobu, before quickly retreating into my shadow—a shelter?

Had there been one?

Maybe it was only invisible to me.

Even if it weren’t night, even if it weren’t a downpour, I couldn’t have seen anything.