Monogatari Series - Volume 30 - Chapter 1.11

011

From that point on, our boring time in the car was spent discussing thought experiments and similar topics such as the prisoner’s dilemma, the Stanford Prison Experiment, the Milgram Experiment, Turtle Soup19, and the marshmallow test. Before we knew it, we reached our first-day destination—the campsite at Nasu Highlands—by early evening.

Miraculously, we arrived without any accidents, disputes, or situations that could have led to a “Tochigi divorce” in place of a “Narita divorce.” Hitagi was, in fact, quite pleased that she managed to drive the long distance without once relinquishing the wheel (although we did take breaks at service areas as a safety priority). 

Her satisfaction may have been due, in part, to the decreasing opportunities to drive offered by the growing prevalence of remote work and online shopping. Though she seemed aloof from the world, there may have been an element of stress or frustration accumulating.

My best friend, Oikura, told me that I might as well die for even entertaining the thought of going on a long-distance road trip and sleeping in a car for my honeymoon (her use of “die” was her endearing mannerism). But maybe, in this aspect alone, she had unexpectedly—and uncharacteristically for me—hit the mark.

We had read it in the guidebook, but the vast beauty of nature that greeted us was beyond our wildest imagination—and it looked like we had been blessed with good weather, too.

Though not to say that there wasn’t a single cloud, it was a brilliantly sunny day with a vibrant blue sky. Honestly, I had assumed that Hachikuji Daimyoujin’s spiritual guidance would have been little more than a comforting thought, but it appeared to have been genuinely effective—which, in turn, gave rise to a nagging sense of guilt, like a tugging at the back of my hair. Maybe we should save visiting the Nikko Toshogu and Futarasan Shrines for another day.

“I wonder how far it’d be to the Killing Stone.”

“Ah, the ever-vigilant worker, Koyomi. I just checked the map app for you, and it seems to be within walking distance.”

“Really now?”

“About an hour and a half on foot. Up a mountain path.”

“Please lend me the car.”

It seemed that even now, she was reluctant to let anyone else take the wheel—despite us being no strangers anymore. But then it dawned on me: with the change in her surname, did she need to change the registration details of the minivan in question?

If so, that’d be a niggling deal for sure.

Not just for my dear, but for me as well.20

Anyhow, although they were still tentatively feeling each other out, Hitagi and Shinobu’s first meeting and conversation, though  awkward, can be said to have not resulted in a killing spree—it was a bit of a let-down in the sense that we had expected irregularities in the trip

, but on the other hand, we wouldn’t want another development like that between Kanbaru and Shinobu.

It was difficult to tell since both were so composed, but they looked tense, and I felt it too—lucky for us, Kanbaru, who doesn’t read the atmosphere, was there to help.

We were blessed not only with good weather but also with such a good junior—so Shinobu was now back in my shadow.

It was a beneficial byproduct of Hachikuji’s influence on the weather: as a former vampire, Shinobu wasn’t very fond of sunlight. So it was worth considering a visit to Nikko21 Toshogu Shrine.

Well, having lost enough power to be deemed harmless by professionals, going out in sunlight wouldn’t turn her to ash, but there were traits and instincts that couldn’t be lost simply by changing her name—traits that were inevitably present.

Like the fear of heights even with fall prevention guardrails in place. 

Becoming Assistant Inspector Araragi or Agent Araragi didn’t mean everything about the boy Araragi would be lost—even those aspects that one would want to lose. Things like a honeymoon in the car. 

So, after the meeting with my dear wife, forced on me in a most casual manner, Shinobu went to take a midday nap in my shadow—by the time I went to check the broken Killing Stone at night, she would wake up.

Following Kanbaru’s advice, I decided not to surprise Hitagi in the car with the proposal of making Shinobu our adopted daughter. But if it wasn’t going to be a surprise, when should I bring up the topic?

I think we needed to discuss it during the honeymoon and it really wasn’t something that could be decided remotely—but first of all.

We had to get through this whole glamping.

As evidenced by my use of the phrase “get through,” I had never been the camping type, though if push came to shove, I could manage an outdoor sleep… And the same went for Hitagi.

“I’d heard rumors about this, but I never imagined that the tents here in glamping would be like actual houses. It looks more like a lunar base than a tent. Even more magnificent than my apartment.”

As we stood before the impressive dome-shaped tent, which required no pegs or stakes, Hitagi looked a little confused.

Our thoughts and impressions seemed to coincide.

From the outside, it had looked more rugged, like a giant snow dome, but inside, it was indeed a respectable house. Even if Oikura had joined us, though she had declined or rather rejected it, there was plenty of space to accommodate her comfortably.

I could live here forever.

“My boathouse back in Washington pales in comparison.”

“Wait a minute, Araragi-senpai. Araragi-senpai lives in a boathouse in Washington?”

“Yeah, it’s always been a dream of mine. When you visit, you should spend the night.”

“When I return to the U.S. someday, I’d love to live in a trailer house, ” my automobile-obsessed wife declared before turning to address her junior without a honorific. “As you’ve likely heard, neither I nor Koyomi are of any use when it comes to camping. So, we’re relying on you, who seems to have led a rich campus life, to help us out—especially when it comes to tonight’s barbecue.”

“Ah, well, I’m not sure I’d be of much help either. You both know how rustic I can be, so I only barbecue about once a week since starting college.”

More than enough, I’d say.

She’d probably already surpassed my entire lifetime’s worth of barbecue experience by now.

“Hmm, I heard that glamping allows you to come empty-handed, but in the end, we still have to cook for ourselves, don’t we?”

“Well, Araragi-senpai, it’s debatable if barbecue is considered ‘cooking’…”

“Of course it’s cooking. The way the meat is cut, the way it’s skewered—all of it makes a difference in the taste.”

As we had never done this before, our attempts were admittedly mixed with quite a bit of Hitagi’s conjecture. But, if the essence of cooking was in the gathering of ingredients, then this campsite had us newlyweds amply taken care of.

There was no shortage of food supplies or cooking utensils.

And they had even prepared a bouquet of naturally sourced flowers for our tent… and Hitagi seemed delighted with such a royal surprise, so I began to wonder whether I should broach the topic about the Shinobu thing out of the blue tomorrow night…

“Oh, speaking of which, Araragi-senpai… and Araragi-senpai.”

“Can you really tell the difference between us? Aren’t you getting confused yourself?”

“Allow me to officiate today’s barbecue, but tell me, how do you two usually handle food and cooking in your daily lives? I’m curious.”

“Well, I generally eat out. I hardly ever cook for myself anymore.”

“As for me, it’s not like I cook, but I don’t really eat out either. I bring take-out back to my place and eat at the boathouse.”

“I think you’re mentioning living in a boathouse way too much, Araragi-senpai. Well, whether you and Araragi-senpai will share a boathouse or a trailer house in the future remains uncertain. But, I can’t help but wonder, how would the household chores be divided up between the two of you?”

“We don’t drink sweet nectar all the time, you know.”

“That’s not really a phrase.”

“I work hard to afford a maid,” was Hitagi’s Western-like reply.

She didn’t seem to be joking.

“I’m sure Koyomi would have no objection to that. But, I must add, if this were high school Koyomi, he might become overly dependent on the maid. (Haha)” 

“Don’t (Haha) me.”

I don’t think I had ever demonstrated any particular liking for maids, but then again, our memories of the past can be quite unreliable, right? My nostalgia for only being interested in the braided glasses-wearing class president might very well be a distorted memory.

Well, I must admit that I’d never want to ask Hitagi to be a stay at home wife either, nor would I believe that I myself could handle all the household work flawlessly. Of all the various names one could use, “housekeeper” simply didn’t suit us.

Rather than a maid, I had a feeling that hiring a housekeeper would maybe be the best answer for the Araragi household.

We did have the means, thanks to our double income, and considering that one of our jobs came with the risk to life, our salary was—classified, to say the least.

“Alright, I understand. Then, as a maid, I shall accompany you to the United States—”

“Don’t give up on your dreams.”

At least go to the U.S. to study at a medical school or something… Well, Kanbaru in high school might have seriously considered that, but it would be a light joke for twenty-three-year-old Kanbaru to make.

One could even call it a heavy joke.

“First of all, you’re not exactly cut out for housework, are you? I never thought I’d be cleaning your house just a few days before my wedding.”

“I always thought that one day you would suddenly become capable of tidying up, but, alas, it never happened.”

“But still, my adorable Kanbaru, you’re the only one who can’t clean but can cook, right? And not just barbecue.”

That’s a strong follow-up from Araragi-senpai.

So strong that Hitagi, who had taken Kanbaru along on our honeymoon, might have been seriously considering hiring her as a live-in housekeeper. If Shinobu was the adopted daughter, would Kanbaru be the babysitter?

That’d be quite the sitcom.

Putting it bluntly, it’d be a Full House. 

Apparently, there’s a sequel called Fuller House as well… I haven’t seen it yet, but I definitely will someday.

“Well, to answer seriously, I want to be a sports doctor, which means that I would also be responsible for managing an athlete’s diet in some capacity. That’s why I’m currently working hard to learn a variety of dishes while I still can.”

That was a serious answer for sure. Even Hitagi wouldn’t think of forcibly taking her once-junior to America after hearing that. It was as if she had drawn a line that couldn’t be crossed.

In the strictest sense, managing nutrition should be a dietician’s job, but the sense of mission to learn the basics of cooking for oneself was admirable enough to look up to.

“Thanks to that, I’ve become a better cook, but as you said, my cleaning is a different story. The kitchen sink’s always overflowing with dishes and food scraps.”

“Don’t go expanding your territory, now.”

That remark caught me off-guard… Once the honeymoon is over and we return home, I must clean Kanbaru’s kitchen before leaving for America.

What a shame. I was impressed at first.

“Your sense of duty to clean up Kanbaru’s territory is impressive, Koyomi. I take back what I said before, perhaps with you around, there’s no need to hire a maid after all. We can handle meals with dining out and take-outs, can’t we?”

“Hey, Araragi-senpai, how about we put Araragi-senpai in a maid outfit?” 

“Regardless of whichever one of us were to wear it, adults don’t kid around, Kanbaru-kun.” 

While leaving the cutting and skewering of the meat for the BBQ to the professional Kanbaru, it seems even I wouldn’t be without a job to do in this campsite. Following around Kanbaru, I’d earn my keep by diligently cleaning up dishes and food scraps. 

“By the way, Koyomi, don’t you have to wake up Shinobu-san… I mean, Shinobu? There’s enough food prepared for everyone, after all.”

“Ahh, it’s alright. She usually only eats Mister Donut, anyway. Plus, the timing’s just right for me to let her suck my blood before heading to the Killing Stone.” 

“I see. So, while it seems like an errand, you’re actually taking it pretty seriously, huh?”

Well, yeah.

After all, our opponent was an aberration older than Shinobu—you can never be too cautious, and there’s no guarantee that we won’t end up caught in some sort of fox trap.