Monogatari Series - Volume 28 - Chapter 1.14

014

It probably didn’t have much to do with the fact that this castle belonged to a gourmet vampire who thought she’d die of starvation, but the dining room (?) of the “Corpse Castle” had an oppressive atmosphere to it—I myself had had some experience spending my days in some ruins for about two weeks, but when it ended up being the ruins of a castle, it no longer became something I could make light of.

And included in that oppressive atmosphere was the massive table that you might even be able to play curling on, as well as the dinner menu placed on top.

“It’s some food delivery to make your stay more comfortable,”

said Ononoki-chan.

With a composed face.

She’d been told to take a break, but while Shinobu and I were spending our maximum allotted time meeting with Suicidemaster, Ononoki-chan apparently had gone on another flight to San Sebastian—it was a lavish takeout spread, delivered by a tween-girl Uber Eats.

It might be pretty close to delivery by drone.

Unlike the throne room, there were no plastic dividers or partitions, but with a dining room this spacious, it would be easy to maintain the proper amount of distance. We would be able to dine together while conversing without fear of infection.

The risk of infection was supposed to be equal for all people regardless of any disparity in wealth, but when it came to things like this, a clear gap could be seen.

The same way my isolation at home was different from Oikura’s isolation at home.

Well, now that I was thinking about it, I hadn’t had anything to eat for quite a while (as ONK Airlines was, not a low-cost, but a no-cost carrier, there were no in-flight meals)—and so that I myself didn’t die from starvation, I would partake without reservations.

For a short period of time, my vampirism had been boosted, so I hadn’t been feeling any hunger. But I had suddenly been hit with a wave of tiredness, so it was probably fine to indulge in some foreign cuisine right now.

“—And so, we didn’t manage to get any important information out of Suicidemaster. I’m sorry we couldn’t be of more help.”

Doing my best to be well-mannered despite my lack of manners, I reported to Kagenui-san—Shinobu had gone completely silent after the meeting with her sworn friend, so I was speaking for her.

That was my part to play.

“Well, that was about what I expected. But even so, it’s good that Suicidemaster spoke to you at all. Must’ve lifted her spirits to see that her friend came to visit.”

After that, Kagenui-san said, “Araragi-kun, now that you’ve turned twenty, how about a glass of wine?” to offer me a drink—it would have been rather meaningful to drink with an adult who’d known me since I was underaged, but I politely declined.

If I were to drink now, I would surely be a bad drunk.

I wouldn’t want my first taste of alcohol to end like that.

“Was she really in high spirits…? It didn’t really seem that way…”

If it was relatively speaking, then that must mean that she had weakened by that much.

“Rather than that, I’d like to hear your honest thoughts. Araragi-kun, and the former Heartunderblade. What impression did you get from the Suicidemaster behind the curtain?”

Impression—in other words, intuition, huh?

Well, we’d come all the way to Europe following that intuition, so rather than us amateurs trying to logically analyze things in a weird way, this was probably more pertinent.

“If you hadn’t told me in advance that the main symptom was dehydration, then I would’ve said she seemed like she was wasting away from old age.”

I wasn’t sure if that was the right way to express it, or if it was relevant even if it was right, but I stated my thoughts anyway without being choosy with my words.

Not that it was meant to be a medical diagnosis…

“I have a grandfather and a grandmother myself, but it was like she was talking like people from that generation. Of course, Suicidemaster is far older than my grandparents—”

Naturally, I hadn’t seen my grandparents for quite some time. To the point of making me feel unworthy as their grandson. Well, as you may have guessed, I wasn’t a very cute grandson, so I had already been somewhat estranged from them even before the pandemic, but my cute little sisters were still in close contact even now—that form of closeness was allowed.

“Indeed. She seemed more lively than my hunch had led me to believe, but rather than having weakened, it felt as though she had declined from age. Deathy was someone who had always shown contempt for suicide, so it really left me speechless when she so openly discussed her suicidal thoughts.”

Perhaps because she was her sworn friend, Shinobu’s solemn words showed no modesty—it was a level of unreservedness that made me think, “Who are you to say that?” As a vampire who came to Japan in search of a place to die… Although, there was a difference between “wanting to kill oneself” and “wanting to die”.

“So she’s eager to die, eh? Well, the Yoshino cherry can be traced back to a single tree, so it’s kinda like it blooms at the same time all over the world.”

That was Kagenui-san’s viewpoint.

Speaking of which, from that spring break in which I was turned into a vampire by Shinobu, I remembered having held a desire to kill myself in the physical education storage shed of Naoetsu High, embarrassing as it was to speak of it now—needless to say, the first thrall of Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, Shishirui Seishirou, was the same.

Suicide genes…

“It’s the cause of death for ninety percent of vampires. But there ain’t nothing to be embarrassed about, Araragi-kun. Not embarrassing at all to want to die by your own hand.”

Oh, that was something I didn’t expect to hear from Kagenui-san—she’d always felt like the kind of character that would dismiss the decision to kill yourself as a sign of weakness.

“Nah, nah. Course, I wouldn’t say that killing yourself is a sign of strength, but in Japan, there was once a time where it was honorable to commit seppuku, right?”

In that very storage shed, Hanekawa Tsubasa had declared to me that the act of suicide was a sin, which was why I’d stopped my thoughts of suicide—but aha, so there was that way of seeing things, too.

I wasn’t sure if it was ethical to say this in the current context, and it was completely different from the suicidal ideations displayed by Shinobu or me or Suicidemaster, but given the reports of the increasing number of suicides during the unstable climate of the pandemic, perhaps the feeling of “wanting to die” was not something to be blamed or ashamed of in and of itself.

It was not something to lower your self-evaluation over.

It was an emotion that was natural to feel.

It might be weakness or clumsiness, but it certainly wasn’t bad.

Just like how I didn’t know any infected people near me, I also didn’t know of any suicides near me either, so my words could only come from shallow understanding. But even if suicide were a sin, I wanted to get the idea that it was not bad, or I felt like I would err in judgment in the future.

“That’s right. It ain’t bad—but it ain’t good, either.”

Nor is it correct.

So spoke Kagenui-san, in a bit of a reversal.

Did this person ever think thoughts of “wanting to die”? Well, there was a time when Kagenui-san was a college student, after all.

She must have been a high school student, too, at one point.

“Basically, does that mean Suicidemaster has grown tired of fighting her illness and is seeking euthanasia? Did she say something like that? Shino-nee.”

To Ononoki-chan’s question, Shinobu responded with, “How over-familiar. Who are you calling Shino-nee?” (Perhaps it was Ononoki-chan’s way of trying to loosen up the tension, and if so, it was a nice play from her.) And then,

“She did not say anything about euthanasia, but it did seem like she wanted to die of natural causes,”

responded Shino-nee.

That level of nuance was something I myself hadn’t managed to take in, but it was natural that her sworn friend had.

“‘Tis far from hospice care, but it felt like she would refuse any further treatment to prolong her life. For being the death-prepared, death-inevitable, death-certain vampire, accustomed to dying in careless ways, she seemed to be in anguish over being unable to die like other vampires.”

“Survivor’s guilt?”

“‘Tis not just from this epidemic. The fact that she herself was living on, while those of the same race continued to die around her, must have been gnawing away at her mind and body for quite some time—including the death of her thrall, Tropicalesque.”

Thinking about it, even his death was something like suicide—said Shinobu, as though she was speaking about herself.

Perhaps it really was about herself, too.

Having been the one to bring Shishirui Seishirou to his death.

“It’d be a problem if she went and died, though. To speak for the self-interest of the human side, if we can’t develop a cure for the anti-vampire virus through this true ancestor, who remains the sole case of not dying despite having the heaviest symptoms, then at this rate, vampires really will be eradicated.”

“As expected. And that would be bad for business, correct?”

A snide remark from Shinobu.

Though it was closer to venting her anger.

“More like the conservation of vermin. We’d go and exterminate them if there were too many of them,”

parried Kagenui-san.

From her response, it didn’t seem like this was a job that Kagenui-san personally wanted—if there was anything that was as expected, it would be this.

“The conservation of the ecosystem—or I guess it’s the conversation of the corpse-system?99 Well, even for smallpox, a disease that humanity has conquered, the virus is still securely stored in some laboratory, after all.”

Really.

Well, I figured that was more like preserving a specimen for if it ever became relevant, but I imagined anyone would be able to understand the feeling of “wanting to hold onto something worthless that might disappear completely”.

If vampires were to fall to ruin, then it would cause the balance of the oddity world (?) to collapse. So for specialists, it would have been a poor evaluation of their priorities if that situation were to end up giving birth to monstrous apparitions even more dangerous to humanity.

“To tell you the truth, it was pretty convenient to have vampires throwing their weight around while being oddities we can keep in check.”

“Who are you saying are oddities you can keep in check?”

Shinobu objected to that statement, but she didn’t say any more—it seemed she was aware of her contentment with the current situation, in which she was completely being kept in check.

Even the King of Oddities could lose face.

And though she called it the conservation of the ecosystem, the idea of increasing or decreasing the count of living beings, or keeping the balance or keeping them under control—doing such things could be considered arrogant of humanity… Though, rather than it being an advanced ethical problem, there was the pressing matter that, if they didn’t do so, humanity could be placed on the brink of collapse.

Even if humans shouldn’t take part in the natural world, that didn’t mean we could just leave the novel coronavirus alone—though viruses weren’t living beings at all.

Balance… Neutrality.

“They aren’t living beings. You can’t touch them. You can’t see them with the naked eye. Viruses are almost like oddities, aren’t they?”

“In fact, the Black Death, which was connected to the legend of vampires, was considered an apparition, you know?”

“Though the Black Death wasn’t a virus.”

Really?

It was seriously hard to remember the definitions of everything.

“In any case, it would be a problem for all of you if Deathy were to die now, correct?”

“Not only is she the symbol of this epidemic, she’s also a living witness of the days gone by, y’know. There’s tons of questions about history we’d like to ask her about. Hospitalizing her here like this is also kinda like a witness protection program—though you’d need to be a person to be a witness.”100

A living witness of the bubonic plague, cholera, and smallpox.

And also a living witness of wars and natural disasters.

If so, then Shinobu could also be considered one, but in her case, Shinobu was formerly a princess and currently a young girl, so she was fairly ignorant of the ways of the world for a six-hundred-year-old.

It would be no wonder if they thought her incapable of providing witness testimony.

“Hmph. If my statements cannot be relied upon, then ‘twould be the same for Deathy—but anyway, Kagenui. Is it fine to not perform a PCR test or something to verify that we have not been infected?”

Resting her chin in her hands as though out of boredom, Shinobu moved on to a new subject. Though it was bad manners, it displayed the dignity of a former princess, and the thirteen-year-old seemed well-suited to the castle interior.

“In the first place, my master and I were not called here to take part in the investigation, but to serve as canopy beds, were we not?”

“I’m guessin’ you mean guinea pigs.”101

A canopy bed is more like the throne surrounded by the curtain, said Kagenui-san—that would certainly tarnish the former princess’s dignity.

“Well, I won’t deny it. Or rather, I’ll completely confirm it. While the two of you stay in this castle, I’d like it if you’d let us observe you—if you’ll get infected, if you’ll exhibit symptoms, how long it takes for you to exhibit symptoms, and all that. Though I won’t force you.”

Not that she really needed to force us in these circumstances.

We were in a lockdown in which we had no choice but to agree. If we simply tried to leave, we’d probably be hit by not a vampire punch, but an onmyouji punch.

Though I wasn’t feeling anything at the moment, there was still the fear that we’d already been infected the moment we stepped foot into the remains of the Acerola Kingdom (temp.), even before meeting with Suicidemaster—and, with the possibility of the formation of an anti-vampire virus variant that could infect other oddities, I couldn’t exactly just go straight back to my beloved hometown full of yokai.

“Putting Ononoki aside—Kagenui, from the fact that you’ve been permanently stationed in this ‘Corpse Castle’, would it be safe to assume that no matter how the anti-vampire virus mutates, ‘twill never come to affect humans?”

“‘Never’ is a strong word. But I can guarantee that it’s about as unlikely as vampires being infected with the novel coronavirus—I guess?”

“How sloppy. Though it pertains directly to your life and death.”

“I’m just doin’ it because it’s my job.”

The specialist on a business trip was speaking like a veteran who had served for quite some time—or perhaps a combat medic who had done so.

Despite her unwillingness, that’s what made her a professional.

Losing your job due to the pandemic, or having no choice but to keep working in spite of the pandemic—both were equally distressing.

However, it seems Shinobu’s point was not simply to test Kagenui-san’s resolve, as she asked,

“Basically, if my master were to return to being human, then would he be able to completely avoid the threat of this infection with a hundred percent fatality rate?”

as a follow-up question.

“Shinobu, that’s—”

“‘Tis just in theory. There is a difference between being considerate and not thinking about it at all. If you were to get infected, my master, and ended up on the verge of death, then I would like to explore if that solution is available.”

It was a form of treatment completely different from the ones that Kagenui-san had explored with Suicidemaster and the other vampires, though it was restricted to only me. But, at the suggestion of a potential means of survival from the incurable illness affecting immortal beings—

"............”

Kagenui-san was silent for a short period.

It seemed it was a treatment plan worth considering.

However, the plan thought up by Shinobu “in theory” had some huge holes, as all her plans did as far as I could remember. I could even say it was a plan made up entirely of holes.

“If we do that, then you’ll die. In order for me to return to being human, your fate is limited to two options—either you completely die, or you completely return to being a vampire.”

The former she had tried during that hellish spring break, and for the latter, Gaen-san had tried it on us—however, if we were to attempt the latter option in the midst of this pandemic, she would fall victim to the fatality rate of one hundred percent.

The diverging routes of the flowchart would quickly reconverge, and Shinobu’s death would be inevitable.

“So, ‘tis fine if I am to die regardless. Rather than the both of us dying, would it not be better for you to live on?”

“There’s also the viewpoint that, rather than dying alone, it’s better for us to die together. If you were to die tomorrow, I’m fine with my life lasting until tomorrow, too.”

“What a nostalgic line.”

But perhaps Shinobu had thought the same. Better together than alone.

If her way of thinking was born from an unconscious desire to die together with her sworn friend, rather than leaving her to die alone—suicide genes, and suicidal ideation.

“The two of you sure are extreme,”

said Ononoki-chan.

In a monotone that completely ignored the once-again tense atmosphere.

Or, maybe it was in a monotone because she’d recognized the tense atmosphere.

“How annoying you are. Do not just refer to me as ‘you’.”102

“Then, Shino-nee.”

“Stop with the Shino-nee, too. Show some respect.”

“Speaking as a corpse doll, I think you’re going overboard by thinking, ‘It’s fine if I die’. ‘Wanting to die’ may be an extremely natural physiological response for living beings, but ‘It’s fine if I die’ is just abandoning your life. It’s not something worth praising, and I would go so far as to say that it’s bad.”

At least, there’s nothing sincere about it.

And, after being told that, it was hard to refute—accepting that there was a risk of death ran counter to the thought of “It’s fine if I die”.

Similarly, “I want to be at peace” differed from “I don’t care what happens”.

“There’s been a trend of seeing the pandemic as a time of opportunity, but I don’t want people to see it as an opportunity to give up on something difficult.”

How strict of you.

Well, it wasn’t like I didn’t get what she was trying to say, but at the same time, it wasn’t necessarily negative for, say, a bank to use this opportunity to write off bad debts. But even still, it was different when a long-lived race, having grown tired of living, went to look for a place to die during this pandemic as opposed to a means of survival.

It’d be troublesome if the vampires decided they wanted to downsize using that as an excuse… If survivor’s guilt was what reignited Shinobu’s suicidal thoughts upon visiting this “Corpse Castle”, then it was a situation that required the utmost caution.

That synchronicity was dangerous.

Not to mention it was double the illness if you counted her homesickness from visiting her homeland—I needed to be on the alert for myself, too. As had been pointed out, I was absolutely the kind of guy that would fall into the thought patterns of “It’s fine if I die”.

“‘If I can go on a date with Hanekawa, it’s fine if I die,’ or ‘If I can get married to Hachikuji, it’s fine if I die,’ or ‘If I can reconcile with Oikura, it’s fine if I die’... It’s something I say way too easily, huh.”

“With that line-up, I feel I have no need to be concerned about you dying at your own hands, my master.”

Did she mean that I would likely be killed by Oikura, instead?

“If Ononoki-chan can come back to my parents’ home once more as a freeloader, it’s fine if I die.”

“Don’t just nonchalantly express how you feel about me.”

Your feelings are heavier than any illness,103 said Ononoki-chan, and with that, we returned to the main topic.

“It’s definitely too extreme to think about it in terms of living and dying… For a simpler example, I set a goal to make lots of friends while I was in university, but that was all ruined by the pandemic and taking remote classes and having to stay at my parents’ home. But even so, that doesn’t mean I should take advantage of the situation to suspend my project to make a hundred friends, right?”

“What a sad-sounding project. Incidentally, how many friends did you reach?”

For some reason, Kagenui-san was showing interest in my university life… Was it because her colleagues had all become dropouts?

Though I didn’t really want to be grouped with the likes of Oshino or Kaiki.

“Only one so far.”

“You’d better go and rework that project of yours, regardless of the pandemic. You’re nothing like the likes of Oshino-kun or Kaiki-kun. What’ve you been doin’ for the past year? Go and repeat the year!”

“It’s been only one friend from within the university, but since I got into university, I’ve made lots of high-schooler friends. It feels like a dream to be getting along with a bunch of sports-minded athletes, but right now, all the members of Naoetsu High’s girls’ basketball team are my friends.”

“There’s definitely someone on that team that doesn’t think the same way.”

“Also, I’ve made friends with an elementary school kid who’d been kidnapped…”

“You sure haven’t grown at all.”

How scathing.

But a completely accurate assessment.

Putting aside my own sad project, under the same context, I realized it might be necessary to keep watch over my irreconcilable childhood friend Oikura Sodachi so she didn’t bring up the topic of quitting university—keep watch so she didn’t withdraw.104

Unlike me, who’d lived a fairly blessed life, Oikura had to bear the burden of paying her own tuition… She didn’t enter university with some cheeky motivation like “wanting to be in the same university as her boyfriend”, but with the resolution to get her life back on track, so it would really be a waste if she were to lose heart now.

I would need to provoke her… That is, support her well.

“I guess the fact that you can recognize how blessed you’ve been is a sign of your growth, oni onii-chan. Is it because you’ve met a lot of different people, even if you weren’t able to make friends with them? If so, there was meaning after all in you moving onto university with impure motives.”

“Yeah. If Oikura is able to graduate safely, then it’s fine if I die.”

“What a nuisance you are to your childhood friend. And what a nuisance the novel coronavirus is.”

It felt pretty fresh to call the novel coronavirus a “nuisance”.

What would Corona-san say if it had a will of its own, even if it wasn’t alive?

“Anyway, Shinobu, the plan of avoiding any risk by turning me back into a human is something you don’t need to think about at all. If you have time to think about that, you may as well think about ways to treat that sworn friend of yours.”

“Though, she herself has rejected it. She has said she does not need help.”

In the same way you have rejected my plan just now, said Shinobu.

She was making the irony clear.

“‘Tis hard for me to get across my sincerity to her.”

“That’s because you don’t look after yourself. Even Suicidemaster knows that, if she were to ask for help even as lip service, you’d do anything to try and help. That’s why she refused you point-blank.”

“How annoying. I do not need you to lecture me.”

“Basically, your help is just a nuisance.”

“Huh? You were not lecturing me, but simply bad-mouthing me…?”

In the first place, if I were to return to being human, then it would just increase my risk of being infected by the novel coronavirus… It was true that the fatality rate would fall, but the act of returning to Japan in and of itself would become difficult. It wouldn’t be as if my life depended on it, but as a stowaway, I would have to go through an even longer period of quarantine…

There were a wide range of issues.

It felt like I would end up sweating waterfalls.

“There’s no need to overthink it, because there’s only so much that you can do by yourself, oni onii-chan. What’s necessary is not your own strength, but everybody’s cooperation, so don’t get too carried away. They say that if the wind blows, the bucket makers prosper, so you may as well just keep in mind that if the wind blows, viruses will spread.”105

"............”

Was she just not good at backing me up on these things?

Even so, I did honestly feel that Ononoki-chan’s words reassured me in a way—just like how no countermeasures could fully eliminate the risk of infection, no amount of care would fully eliminate the risk of infecting others.

Ononoki-chan herself, after having repeated so many of those hopping flights, could already be afflicted with a variant of the anti-vampire virus.

It wasn’t advisable to experience pointless frustration on a regular basis. If taken too far, it would just become an act of self-harm.

“Besides, I was never going to poke my nose into how vampires feel about life and death. If you’re going to insist on committing double suicide with your sworn friend, I’m not going to stop you.”

“Please stop her, Ononoki-chan.”

I turned to Kagenui-san.

“Practically speaking, how long do you expect for us to be monitored as research specimens?” I asked. “It seems like the plan I came up with, to resolve everything and return home immediately, is already impossible… No matter how blessed I’ve been, I can’t exactly be away from home for too long of a period.”

“You really came up with a plan to return home immediately? Just what I’d expect from the former Heartunderblade’s thrall.”

It was a nostalgic way of being referred to, at just the right moment.

You could say it was an appropriate moniker, given my vampirism had been boosted right now.

“Also, it seems like it would be difficult to take my online classes from this abandoned castle, so if you could provide even a rough estimate, it would be a big help.”

“Kinda hard to guess, but I wouldn’t want you to have to drop out, either, Araragi-kun. Gaen-senpai told me that it was fine to kill you, but I’m forbidden from interfering with your studies.”

Eh? She’d been told that it was fine to kill me…? By Gaen-san? Seriously, by that Gaen-san?

What exactly was the extent of her anger towards me?

Well, if it was forbidden to interfere with my studies, then that technically rendered the previous clause null and void… But it had shaken me up a bit.

She really was good at making me feel suffocated.

“Let’s say it’ll be about a month? For how long the two of you can stay as guests here. Apparently, Japan’s state of emergency was declared with that as the estimate, too, so it all fits perfectly.”

What was perfect about that…?

Also, we shouldn’t forget the fact that states of emergency or lockdowns could be extended for any reason, and not just in Japan.

Even though Ononoki-chan had gone all the way to San Sebastian to provide us this luxurious Spanish cuisine, it was hard to enjoy any of it, as though I was consuming nothing but artificial food dyes—and, in an era where using such expressions made it necessary to doubt whether or not I’d developed a taste disorder, I certainly couldn’t escape that anxiety.