Monogatari Series - Volume 22 - Chapter 4.04

004

And with that, I headed towards the Kitashirahebi Shrine.

And if you’re asking “with what?”, then not even I really had a clue, but I’d finally come up with the determination to go—I wanted to say that I’d managed to overcome something after talking to Oikura, but she’d probably hate me if I said that. So let’s just say that I had no choice but to go mountain climbing because I was pressed for time.

I completed the rest of my work in the afternoon and headed directly for the mountain that the Kitashirahebi Shrine was built on—how long ago had I last climbed this mountain, anyway? Back when I’d visited the place frequently, January meant lots of snow piling up, making it an extremely tough climb that made me feel awful just remembering it. But perhaps due to a change in the climate after so many years, the snow wasn’t at a point where I’d slip and fall from it.

Let’s see.

Would I, the way I was now, still be able to see Hachikuji Mayoi?

It wasn’t like she was some kind of fairy that you were unable to see when you became an adult (at the very least, Gaen-san was able to see her; and in contrast, Chief Kouga probably wouldn’t have been able to see her no matter how young she was), so thinking about it, I might have been agonizing over this for the wrong reasons—I could even say that, because I was troubled over various other things, I was simply jumping to conclusions.

It was like I was some young maiden that was afraid to approach the boy he liked out of fear of being rejected. It was hard to say that I was truly an adult man, if I did say so myself…

But it wasn’t like I’d lost all hope.

Though she was a god enshrined in the Kitashirahebi Shrine as of now, if we went back to her roots, Hachikuji Mayoi was a lost snail—a ghost that could only be seen by humans that didn’t want to return home.

A ghost that made people stray from the path that led back home.

There was probably no other person in this town that was better than me at losing their way, whether it was coming or going. After all, I’d more or less been unable to decide my path, my future, in every meaning possible.

I couldn’t even see a glimpse of where I’d end up.

While I wasn’t exactly lost out on the streets, I’d certainly lost my way.

In that sense, this could be the best timing, even better than the year’s first shrine visit, to go and pay my respects to the Kitashirahebi Shrine—and then.

“…Of course.”

Even when I passed under the torii, entered the grounds, walked up the road, and reached the main shrine—the shrine at night was completely devoid of anyone. There was not a soul in sight, with neither a cat, nor a snake, and certainly not a snail to be seen.

Not even footprints had been left in the thin layer of snow that had piled up. Perhaps the snow was even absorbing sound, because it felt even more silent than I thought was realistically possible.

When I’d first visited this shrine, it had been abandoned, making it the perfect spot for a trial of guts. It was the same with Oikura’s house, so now that I thought about it, perhaps I was a guy that liked playing in ruins.

But it became a spot for a real trial of guts—a real trial of the heart—after it was reformed. I couldn’t even count the number of times my body had been used to mop the floors when I came here.

And at the very end of it all, I’d fallen to hell.

It seemed the shrine was under reliable management by now, but the fact that five years had passed was almost palpable… Although maybe I was only thinking that because it was dark. Although I could still compare with when there had been a starry sky—was it here that I’d gone stargazing once before?

Well, even if I said that, this wasn’t really a place to come at  night… Whether it was for a trial of guts or for stargazing, anyone who came to such an unpopular place this late was not in their right mind.

Good grief.

Perhaps I’d just hit a dead end after losing my way.

As I thought that, I pulled out some spare change from my wallet and tossed it into the offertory box. A five-yen coin. Fundamentally, in these cases, was it two bows, two claps, and then a third bow?

“Have you become ready to die?”

Said a voice.

When I was thinking about what to pray for, a voice spoke from my snow-covered shadow—and it wasn’t just a voice speaking, as a little blonde girl emerged with a wriggle from my shadow. Because even the light of the stars and the white of the snow managed to produce a shadow, it had connected the hotline from Shinobu to me.

It was almost like looking for service at the peak of a mountain with just how barely the connection was made… Shinobu had taken on a form with a fluffy knit hat, a bulky coat that made her resemble a snowman, and boots with fur.

This girl had also gotten influenced by worldliness.

Even though in the past, no matter how freezing the world was outside, she’d always sophisticatedly endured it lightly-dressed—but anyway.

“Eh? What? What did you say?”

“I asked you if you’ve become ready to die. You’ve lived quite a long life, so have you become ready to die?”

Just like me.

Saying that, the little girl gave a terrifying smile—it felt like a long time since I’d seen that smile.

“Ah… Suicide from having gotten bored with living, right? That’s what makes up ninety percent of vampires’ deaths? Right, there was something like that, huh.”

“It’s not a matter of there was something like that. The reason I myself came to this country was to die, after all. That’s why I descended upon this town. So, my master, if you are thinking that you want to die now, I won’t think it strange at all.”

“Oh, stop it. I’m only twenty-three years old, you know?”

“But haven’t you taken to viewing the past quite fondly, as of late? Do you not think that it would have been better to die five years ago? For example, at this shrine. For example, on that athletic field. For example, inside that abandoned building. Do you not think you would have been happy if you’d died then? Ka ka.”

She seemed like she was having fun.

Though it wasn’t as bad as Oikura, her personality was still awful.

Although, it’s not like I didn’t understand what she was getting at—she was the legendary vampire that had chosen to die in the country where she’d met her first minion, Shishirui Seishirou, and she was the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire. And though I could hardly be considered of the same status as her, it was simply the common sense of immortal oddities that a long life did not necessarily mean a happy one.

Even the mermaid Suou-san or the golem Kizashima-senpai had been allowed to live due to oddities, while they would otherwise be dead. Even in the Rumors Squad, there were some truly special types like Kuwagata Hitata-san. Although I was the same… But in my case, it had been the opposite, because a vampire that had been about to die had been made to live by me, a human.

“My high school days were so fun and happy, and that was the peak of my life, so it would’ve been better if I died then. What, do you really think I think that? …Stop it. There were plenty of times where I had fun, and there were tons of happy times, but overall my school life was just that of a moody teenager who’d almost dropped out.”

During that “kamaitachi” case way back when, Kizashima-senpai had said something along those lines—and in my own case, because I’d entered a private school with a standard score that didn’t fit my stature, it had been extremely tough.

I couldn’t just simply say that those times had been good. If I had to, I’d say so bitterly.

And my relationship with my family had been the worst.

Thinking about how it was back then, it’s almost unbelievable how well I got along with my sisters now—while I didn’t want to overly glorify my past, I also didn’t want to overly disparage it, but looking at it comprehensively, I definitely didn’t think that the me from back then was happier than me now.

“Ka ka. Is that so? Right now, you are extremely blessed, after all. Being pampered at your workplace, and being filled with high spirits. Even though the you from back then, despite being immortal, looked dead on the inside, I am certain that if he looked at you know, he’d be filled with pride.”

“I wonder about that. I can’t help but think that he’d want to beat me up instead… Because right now, I’m just waving around a sense of elitism that the me from back then despised. I’m a career man with a good salary. And even though a lot happened, my college days were pretty fun, too. My area of activities got wider. Though I used to ride around on a bike, I learned to drive a car, and even boarded a plane and went on vacation. I read and understood books that I didn’t understand in high school, and I even enjoyed movies that once made zero sense to me. If the me from back then, who had nearly dropped out and strayed from the right path, saw me now, he’d certainly find me utterly intolerable.”

“Can you become happy if you’re betraying your past self? Are you going to feel guilty about your success?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

Or was it?

Maybe I was just afraid of changing.

No, I couldn’t say it was just that.

It was certainly true that I’d read and understood a book that I didn’t understand in high school. And it was true that my tastes had changed as I grew older—but on the other hand, it was also true that I’d stopped being able to understand a book that I’d once loved so much.

Even though I had so much fun with it, it had stopped being fun.

Even though I’d been so deeply moved by it, even though the book had been almost life-changing, it just felt shallow when I reread it now—like it had gone past the limits of mediocrity—and that disappointment brought upon a sense of guilt that made me want to shrivel up and die.

Though it’s an exaggeration, it was a sense of guilt equivalent to the guilt of killing a single person.

“Ka ka. So are you feeling depressed because you killed off your past self? But having said that, it isn’t as if you can just live your life reading and rereading a single book. It’s quite possible that your feelings are the same as how, when you became a vampire in that spring break, you immediately wanted to go back to being human—and the same as how, when I was asked to become a god, I thought that I wanted to stay as a vampire.”

“……”

“Or possibly—how I let go of the chance to go back to being the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire, and instead chose to live with you in your shadow.”

Shinobu then turned her entire body and faced the torii.

“But still, if my master wishes it, then I will be his most humble servant. It would not be hard to return you to your past state.”

“Eh? Return me…”

“It had not been this well-kept back then, but we’ve done something of the sort at this shrine before, have we not? We used that torii as a gate, and we rewound time.”

Ah—that’s right, we did.

Although at the time, Shinobu had just casually taken me along into a time slip… And that had brought on some unthinkable results, but still, in the exact same way she’d done then, Shinobu said, “Let’s do it!”

“Though I made a mistake before, don’t worry! I’ll get it right this time. It’ll be fine if we go to a past that doesn’t have you in it, right? With that, you’ll be able to safely go through high school for the second time. If you’re regretting the mistakes you made, why not just redo them? If you think that you right now are just one big mistake, you can just choose something different the second time around, whether it’s going to college or finding a job. Even so, you’ll keep on living—because you’re a vampire.”

Don’t get lost on the streets, but lose yourself to the dark.

That’s what Shinobu said—and it sounded like she was making a joke, but more than half of it was probably serious. She was the kind of girl to suddenly suggest such imprudent motions—and it was those that were the temptations of the dark.

And I’d fallen for them so many times in high school.

I’d fallen for them so readily, so casually.

Nonetheless, Shinobu and I were in the same boat—if I could sense that Shinobu hadn’t really changed that much in that respect, then that meant that I hadn’t really changed that much either. And if that was true, then perhaps that was actually something to celebrate.

The me from the past that was still inside me—he wasn’t dead yet.

“I don’t have any desire to go back to the past, Shinobu. The me from right now and the me from the past are one and the same—they’re both me. If there’s someone that’s going to be a high schooler for eternity, I’ll leave that to Ougi-chan.”

I see.

I’d certainly been flooded with nostalgia after returning to my hometown for the first time in four years. I’d met Kanbaru and Oikura, I’d talked with my sisters, and I’d experienced Hanekawa, so I must have become nervous and even sentimental—and I might have even fought with Hitagi because it was such a sensitive time for me. But this was just me acting like “the past was great” and playing at feeling good about it. I was pretty nasty for pretending something that ultimately hurt me.

I’d arbitrarily started to feel that I’d “left it behind”, but it wasn’t like everybody got to where they were now by making light of the past—Kanbaru got to where she was now through the match with her rival, and Oikura got to where she was now by taking in her past. It’s because of the past that we have a present. It was even possible that Hanekawa, who’d erased her past, was the one thinking of the past the most.

Even as I felt apologetic towards my past self, I was confirming the position of my present self—but even the difference of eighteen years old and twenty-three years old would probably seem like nothing when I looked back as a thirty-year-old.

“I definitely can’t say that growing up is going to be boring. Even Gaen-san and Oshino are all grown up, aren’t they? Well, they might be exceptions, but fundamentally, growing up is something fun. And that seems true, looking at the people from the Rumors Squad, and looking at the entire Naoetsu Police Department. And even now, it’s fun. There’s still a lot of things I don’t like now, just as there were in the past. But I can handle it. That’s all I need to do.”

I stopped looking at the gate… Er, the torii. And faced back towards the main shrine.

I couldn’t see the god. But that was fine.

Not being able to see her was normal… It shouldn’t be anything otherwise. Just like it was to Chief Kouga… Oddities were something that you normally couldn’t see.

And, while you couldn’t see them, they weren’t something that didn’t exist.

Even though you couldn’t see them, you had to believe that they were there.

“Or maybe, it’s like this. I hadn’t lost my way in the slightest. I was just pretending to hesitate to feel better about myself, but I’d already decided what I was going to do—because standing at a crossroad doesn’t mean I’ve lost my way. That’s why I can’t see Hachikuji. There’s no way she wouldn’t show her face if I was seriously troubled over something.”

“Ka ka. If that’s how you choose to think, then so be it. …But for the record, I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell you, but if it’s that lost girl, not even I can see her.”

“Eh? Really?”

You should’ve said that earlier.

Or rather…. Isn’t that a little strange? Regardless of whether or not I could see her… Even if she was linked to me, Shinobu was an oddity that ate oddities, so being unable to see one was…

“Indeed. Perhaps she has just stepped out for a bit? Even back then, she had been a god that was frequently absent, that girl.”

“……”

To be absent from the shrine, even when it wasn’t Kannazuki, the month with no gods… Well, it wasn’t impossible.

In that case, give back the offering I made earlier.

Give back my five yen.

“…Then, I guess I’ll just have to visit again. So I will. Without waiting so long to do so, next time.”

“Will you be coming when you’re troubled over something?”

“Nah. I’ll come during a better time. I’ve decided just now. I’ll hold my wedding with Hitagi here. Before this god.”

Though I couldn’t tell if she really was here at the main shrine or not, I decided to do my two bows, two claps, and then a third bow anyway.

Thinking about it, the start of my relationship with Hitagi had been presided over by Hachikuji as well—in that case, didn’t that make this place a shrine of matchmaking?

“There’s no way she wouldn’t show her face during my big moment.”

And when she does, I’ll embrace that stroll-loving god from the heart.

I’ll show her that adults can have fun, too.

“…Though you’re saying something rather dashing and it’s all very thrilling, from what I could see from your shadow, aren’t you and that girl currently in the middle of a breakup?”

“Didn’t I tell you? I’ve already decided what paths I’m going to take—I’ve decided. So, my humble servant, in regards to that, I’d very much like it if you could help me by any means necessary.”

“Huh? For work?”

“Nope. It’s one hundred percent for fun.”

“If it’s work, I only plan on helping in moderation.”

Shinobu smiled.

Not a terrifying smile—but a cute one.

“But if it’s for fun, then I’ll help you out with all that I have.”