Monogatari Series - Volume 22 - Chapter 3.08

008

“When I said my head was full of other things, that obviously meant that my head was full of thoughts of you, Araragi-kun. Though I feel bad for everyone else. Do you want me to tell you something good? When I was in high school, I was in love with you, Araragi-kun. You didn’t notice, did you?”

She said it rather indifferently, as if she was humming without realizing it, but it was true that I hadn’t noticed—at least until she’d confessed to me directly.

“Ahaha. I just wanted to try saying something like that. Going back to the guy I fell in love with in high school and telling them about it as an adult.”

“…It’s the first good news I heard today.”

“My, my.”

“But… It’s all in the past, right?”

“That’s right. It’s something from the past. However, Araragi-kun, if you really want it no matter what, I wouldn’t mind going out with you, all right?”

“Was that also something you wanted to try saying?”

“Nope. That was something I regretted as soon as I said it. What a mistake,” said Hanekawa, closing her eyes.

It wasn’t clear what she was imagining on the back of her eyelids, what memory she was looking for in her mind.

I no longer had any way of understanding what Hanekawa was thinking.

If she had incidentally dropped by to see me while doing something else, that would’ve made me happy—I might have even ended up grinning ear-to-ear even after Hanekawa left.

But if she came to Japan solely to come see me…

Or possibly, Hanekawa didn’t even have the sensation of having “returned” at all. Because she had long since become an “earthling”, and had most likely spread her wings and left the nest known as Japan.

Hanekawa Tsubasa. A girl with unusual wings.

No—she was no longer a girl.

“…Why?”

That inelegant question could have even carried a hint of anger. But even if it wasn’t elegant, I certainly didn’t think it was unreasonable—right?

How many people across the country had been mobilized for the sake of her wanting to see me? Even though it could’ve changed international affairs, risked public order, and even caused war or internal strife, the reason for coming home to reunite with an old friend? Even putting aside Mitome-san’s circumstances, even putting aside my and Karen’s jobs being at risk, it was still incredibly thoughtless, and an incredibly childish act.

Who would’ve thought someone like Hanekawa would do such a self-centered act that not even someone like Tsukihi would do.

“Why would you do something like that?”

“Um. Mmm. Well, I can think of two possible reasons why I snuck over here to see you.”

“You can think of two possible reasons…”

“It’s like Schrodinger’s cat. Is the cat in the box alive or dead—and as for the right answer, well, let’s see. If you can correctly guess the trick to how I managed to escape from the box, the hotel that was being closely guarded, then I’ll tell you which of them is right.”

Explaining the trick, huh. It reminded me of the old days. Although that was really Ougi-chan’s role.

…But that wasn’t it, because Ougi-chan had left my side already. She’d stopped coiling around me like the darkness of the night and splendidly discovered her own role to play—and, in the first place, I was a policeman.

What would I do if I couldn’t deduce the trick to a locked room on my own?

“Right. But it’s not a locked room trick, it’s an escape room trick.”

In the broadest sense, I felt that the two were the same, but I suppose a locked room does require a body to remain in the room—the body of a cat.

Schrodinger’s cat.

“So, what are the two possible reasons? To the point of putting into chaos the world that you were trying to make peaceful.”

“Number one. About trying to make the world peaceful… I got tired of it.”

“……”

“Like, the opposite of Cinderella? I got exhausted of being treated like a saint, and I wanted to run away from everything. I want to go back to how it was in the past. To when Araragi-kun would tease me about my huge breasts… Because of my strict eating habits, even my chest has shrunk a little. Did you notice?”

“How would I notice? Those pajamas are huge on you.”

“Yeah. I wanted to go back to when we could have conversations like this.”

Being treated like a saint, huh… Although I’d treated her more like the Virgin Mary.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I would’ve been fine with just being able to help the people that I could reach. Really, how did this all happen—”

Well, her reach did end up extending all the way to the other side of the Earth, but that probably wasn’t the explanation she wanted—plus, that “number one” wasn’t necessarily true.

I mean, it was possible, but was that Hanekawa Tsubasa really the type that went, “I’d been propped up as a symbol of peace before I knew it”?

If her talents had simply been dressed up, she wouldn’t have become this much of a sensation.

Not to mention losing heart after that and coming to see someone like me.

“Are you still saying ‘someone like me’? You convinced yourself that way in the past, too, Araragi-kun. Getting fixed on thinking, ‘There’s no way that Hanekawa Tsubasa would fall in love with someone like me.’ Even though you have no idea how much hope I placed in you.”

“No, that’s—”

“And number two. I came to scout you, Araragi-kun.”

Without letting me make any excuses, Hanekawa presented the second option.

“Were you aware that I was doing all my work alone? Or maybe you weren’t that interested in the work I was doing, Araragi-kun? In any case, since I’m not affiliated with any organization, I don’t have any friends that share my beliefs—just cooperating, and nothing but cooperating, with those who came to cooperate at the time. I did that this whole time because I thought it would contradict what I was doing if I didn’t do it like that, but I feel like I’m at my limit. My beliefs are falling apart. I did some serious self-reflection about my high school days… And my mental care is important, too. So even if their motives are different from mine, I want a partner I can trust.”

“…A partner?”

Mitome-san had indeed spoken of Hanekawa’s independent action. That itself gave a slight amount of authenticity to “number two”, but still, a partner?

“Yes, a partner. Someone who can support me when I need it most—or someone who can set me right when I need it most. And I couldn’t think of anyone else but Araragi-kun. Although I’ve seen every country in the world, there was no one like Araragi-kun—no one who’d risk their life to try and stop me when I was being stupid. No one who’d try and stop my genius.”

“……”

“So, which of these two reasons is the real one? Not even I know.”

Until you open the box.

Though she’d been looking at my hands washing dishes this whole time, Hanekawa finally turned to face me.

“Do you have the courage to open the box? Will you be able to understand the feelings that I don’t even know?”

“…I wonder. Regardless of what I choose, it all sounds like it’s wrapped up in smoke and mirrors.”

I glanced away, unable to meet her eyes—but I couldn’t completely turn away from her. In the first place, without even properly looking at my hands, I’d been doing the dishes while watching Hanekawa next to me the whole time—no wonder the dishes weren’t getting clean.

I was looking at her black and white hair.

I was even looking at the gray that had been mixed in.

“So I’ll put aside the escape room trick deduction and answer both patterns for now. If the reason you came here was ‘number one’, then my response would be ‘Then quit’. I’d say that your peace of mind is more important than the peace of the world—although if I said that, you’d surely fly into a rage, remember your beliefs, and return to your hotel.”

“I see, I see. And in the case of ‘number two’?”

“I’d respectfully decline.”

“Because you’re a government official?”

“Because I’m a member of the Rumors Squad. Although it’s only for training. Right now, the peace of this town is more important than your peace of mind. The peace of this town that you spent your teenage years in.”

“…But that answer is what sounds like smoke and mirrors to me. Even though I’m right here, Araragi-kun, what you’ve been looking at all this time was the old me.”

It was a harsh indication, but for some strange reason, it made me a little happy.

The old Hanekawa Tsubasa.

But for the ‘old Hanekawa Tsubasa’, which time period were we talking about?

The absolutely flawless class representative? Black Hanekawa? After she cut her hair? When her hair became striped after she took in that white tiger and acquired weakness?—and there was even the Hanekawa Tsubasa that had once carried with her that gold-haired, gold-eyed vampirism.

And there were even times when Hanekawa Tsubasa had not been Hanekawa Tsubasa.

“Although it would’ve been fine if you didn’t try to be so shrewd, and instead said, ‘I know how you feel!’ and gave me a hug. Regardless of whether my feelings were ‘number one’ or ‘number two’, that would’ve solved everything.”

“I wouldn’t use such a master-key-like lie on anyone, much less you. Am I supposed to be able to understand something that you don’t? Even when I was a high school third-year, and even now as a 23-year-old, I’m just full of things I don’t understand. Things I don’t understand, and things I don’t know.”

I don’t know everything. I don’t know anything.

Just once, Hanekawa had said that—and with what feelings she had when she said that, I still didn’t understand.

“Right. Then, what about the escape room trick? Did you figure it out?”

Ultimately, I figured that Hanekawa would probably have been able to handle anything… Since she was a revolutionary that could cross any border, I doubted it was impossible for her to weave through a gap in any perfect escort.

If there was a single clue she’d left, it was the statement she herself had made, that “it’ll be harder to go back than it was to slip away”… If anything, this was a hint.

Most likely, it wasn’t any method that involved showing off but some sort of simple shortcut that hit a blind spot… Since she wasn’t the kind to come up with any weird schemes.

At least, if it was the Hanekawa I knew… If someone like that existed.

But even if we said that ‘the Hanekawa from when I knew her’ existed, the Hanekawa that had gone around the world would have certainly expanded her knowledge, and it was possible she had used an idea that I could never think of.

No matter how much she flattered me by saying that “there was no one like Araragi-kun”, I couldn’t swallow that at all. There were probably plenty of people like me, without even needing to use the Rumors Squad as reference, and she had to have met, gotten disappointed with, gotten hopeful for, and gotten used to someone like me—for Hanekawa, the period of time when Araragi Koyomi was special to her should have long since been over.

That’s right. I could think of a third pattern where neither “number one” nor “number two” were correct—or rather, that was the one that seemed the most probable. What if Hanekawa had come to the Araragi household for a completely different purpose?

If that was the case—I got it.

For the first time tonight, there was something I finally understood.

But I didn’t point it out.

I’d even lost interest in discussing the escape room trick that I’d gotten a clue to.

So instead, I said this.

“…Hey, Hanekawa. In exchange for telling me something good, do you want to hear something bad?”

“What? I do, I do.”

“For me—when I was in high school, I was in love with you, Hanekawa. You didn’t notice, did you?”

“—Ahaha.”

An empty laugh from Hanekawa. Her eyes had gone past drowsy into becoming hollow.

A vacantness that she’d obstinately protected.

“Araragi-kun, was that also something you wanted to try saying?”

“No.”

I shook my head. I turned away from Hanekawa.

Although I felt like I’d been turned away this whole time.

“That was something I regretted as soon as I said it.”

And it wasn’t just in the past.

Even now, in the present tense, I’m regretting it.