Monogatari Series - Volume 21 - Chapter 0.04

004

‘I see, I see. For your parents to call their stupid daughter stupid, it seems those two who have spoiled you as of yet have finally taken away the carrot and introduced the stick — this should be a cause for celebration. Congratulations.’

Ononoki-chan said without emotion, after hearing my rant. Not only her face, but her body was motionless too — though she was modelling for me, so I was grateful for her immobility.

I held in my hand an A3 sketchbook, and drew her posing on the table, in my own room, in my house. Now that I am a hikikomori, most scenes take place in my room now.

Ononoki-chan had just come in through the window.

As of late, she has visited my place four times a week to play — I say to play, she basically comes here to rant.

Yes, today is an exception; normally, Ononoki-chan would be the one doing the ranting — who against? Araragi Tsukihi-chan.

Without exception. It’s all Tsukihi-chan.

To put it simply, Ononoki-chan — Ononoki Yotsugi, is now secretly investigating the Araragi household.

The unspeakable secret mission seems to be monitoring Tsukihi-chan — Araragi Tsukihi-chan.

…Just imagining the stress makes my head hurt.

Is there really a job in the world this torturous?

Due to that job, I ended up helping Ononoki-chan once, and since then, she has often come over here and stayed.

Four times a week.

Saying that I am a hikikomori seems like a moot point now.

‘Stay in the Araragi household for too long and your brain will get fried.’

So she said.

She visits my house, my domain to give herself a break, which would have been a problem, but in actuality it proved greatly helpful.

As I have mentioned, Ononoki-chan is now posing as a model for my sketching.

As a doll oddity, no pose is too hard for Ononoki-chan — be it ‘The Thinker’ or the ‘Venus de Milo’, no pose is impossible. More than that, as a doll, she never tires, so she can hold a pose for however many hours I need.

As an addendum, when she poses as the ‘Venus de Milo’, she even takes off both her arms as an extra service — something that cannot be done unless you are a doll oddity, and the end result is startlingly accurate (and I was absolutely startled at the start).

No, not only poses.

This girl could also partially inflate or bend her parts, shaping her body at will. She cannot miniaturise, but she can expand infinitely, allowing me to draw all sorts of bodies.

Well now, she really can do everything, can’t she.

‘I never thought I’d see the day when the “Unlimited Rulebook” can serve such peaceful purposes.’

Said Ononoki-chan, who does not seem to mind all this — if I had to nitpick, I would say her face is as fixed and expressionless as a doll, but honestly, by this stage, this is too much to ask.

Clothes and physique alone do not a manga artist make (although Ononoki-chan is always wearing difficult-to-draw piped clothing), but even so, for someone who has only practised on faces until now, Ononoki-chan’s visits have been a big help.

A vital assistance.

But to say something like that proves she is but a monster.

To respond to my rant with dripping sarcasm — though as a doll, to not shed tears is something to be expected.

‘They didn’t say I was stupid… they just said what I was doing was stupid.’

One could say that the two are barely different, which does make it hurt more — I am stupid after all; I didn’t need anybody to remind me of that fact.

‘No, for real though, think through this carefully. I don’t think your efforts so far are for nothing, or that someone stupid like you is doing stupid things, but fact is, progress isn’t achieved like that, it has to come at a sacrifice. So your parents setting the baseline at “graduating from middle school” seems a correct choice. What else are you going to do, not go to school or work and have your parents feed you ’til you’re twenty?’

In that case you haven’t grown out of relying on people, Ononoki-chan said flatly.

I have nothing to say to that.

Good point.

Whilst I do not plan to have mum and dad feed me until twenty, I cannot deny that I lack a single vision powering all this effort.

I cannot stay silent on the matter any longer.

Those steps forward were done with my eyes shut.

If I am harder on myself, then to an extent, it is self-indulgence. Maybe some part of me thinks that devoting all my time away from school, away from friends, and only into drawing is something cool.

Without even thinking how much that coolness would cost.

This isn’t modest, it’s plainly lavish.

To ignore reality — if you view it that way, then I have indeed not grown out of relying on others. 

‘Considering they didn’t throw you out of the house, your mum and dad still love you dearly. There’s probably some regret in that. Regret for raising their only child as such a useless daughter.’

Undeniable, too, but I wish she didn’t say ‘raise their only child as such a useless daughter’, it seems too harsh.

I’m useless all right.

A useless only child.

‘In the end, you could get a job and draw manga at the same time. Alternatively, you could go to the capital and be an assistant, making money as you hone your own craft.’

Biting remarks, but Ononoki-chan is already thinking for my future — it is quite uneasy, being pitied upon by an oddity.

‘And the ten-thousand-hour rule thing seems suspect to me anyway. People who are naturals are practically born with it. For someone like me, though, it took a hundred years to become an aberration, let alone three.’

‘I don’t think becoming an aberration serves as a good benchmark…’

This is one case where it was an ‘Unlimited Rulebook’ — rules consisting majorly of exceptions.

There is no sense in making everybody equal.

People are different from each other, after all.

‘Indeed they are. Some people like you can become god with a thought.’

‘That wasn’t a thought, more a misthought…’

Though speaking of mistakes, there could be a gargantuan one brewing under my nose right now, at this very moment.

As Ononoki-chan said, leaving home and becoming an assistant seems the most practical route, but I know if I did it, I would lose all sense of groundedness.

It will all feel fictional.

Although I said ‘I am skipping school to pursue my dreams’, it was not as cool as it sounds. I am not skipping school; I can’t be in school.

Such was the severity of what I had done in the classroom.

I have made a huge mess.

For someone as uncouth as I, it would spell trouble keeping a full-time or a part-time job, or even working in general, let alone being a manga artist’s assistant.

This is not about social anxiety; this is me being completely asocial.

In that case, I realised I seem to have been going the wrong direction — even if I went ahead with reckless abandon, I will never reach my dreams; in fact, I will stray away from them.

It seems one can end up in such a situation.

Despite that, if I were to continue my studies into high school, frankly, that would also not be a practical path — my grades were not great in the first place, and having suspended my studies for half a year, they have only presumably dropped further.

Catching up is not going to be easy.

Mr Sasayabu’s warmth (which is probably more regret) does make me think he would at least see me through graduation, but I cannot ask of him to guarantee anything after that.

So, where should I go next?

‘Methodology. ’Tis important, indeed, and also a source of unease. Whether today’s efforts could be of use in future is a frustrating question to ponder. In the end, there’s no choice but to do it regardless of success or failure. I might be posing for your sketches, but not every manga artist has to know how to sketch a 3D model.’

That’s right. This is about technique.

As mentioned above, it will come in handy, but it is not an essential skill — compared to that, poring over books in the library for plot inspirations would seem a wiser choice, such is the dilemma that occasionally plagues me.

Methodology.

No matter how much time is spent, no matter how in-depth the revision went, if it is outside the syllabus, the end result is still mediocrity —

‘Through my observations of Araragi Tsukihi, that kid’s a fast learner and could do just about everything without a hitch. She’s got a great sixth sense too, never seems to guess the questions wrong — the more I see it, the more it annoys me.’

Ononoki-chan spoke her fury in an expressionless voice.

I feel that.

I. Feel. That.

Meanwhile, I should add that Tsukihi-chan also visits this hikikomori in this room (unlike Ononoki-chan, Tsukihi-chan goes through the front door properly. It may sound unbelievable, but Tsukihi-chan does have at least some degree of common sense), and when she visits, she would help me out with drafting. After a while, she seemed able to draw better than I can, which worries me.

‘No point in sulking though’,

I said.

Obsessing over methodology also does not help.

The time spent dawdling is better spent doing it — something like that? But a lack of dawdling was what caused this in the first place.

That cannot be helped, right?

Mulling over it ‘sulkily’ is not going to help, but maybe mulling over it positively might?

‘The only thing I can do now is to convince mum and dad by achieving something before graduating from middle school. Like a prize or something. Instead of honing skills such as communication and cheering myself up in less than a year, I think what I am doing right now is more feasible.’

‘Dear god… You’re entering a competition?’

No, since it is manga, there is basically no other way of getting in, you do know that, right, Ononoki-chan?

‘Quite ironic. You gave Senjougahara the deadline of the high school graduation ceremony, and this time you’re the one facing a deadline.’

Yea, my past coming back to bite me.

Go ahead and laugh all you want.

Me then had lost all my sanity, but even with that said, it is a responsibility I cannot dislodge — this is karma.

And also for gratitude.

‘Well, I guess this is the only way to do it, though as a friend, I do want to bluntly remind you that if you don’t achieve anything by then, you’ll meet a tragic end. You’ll have to give up your manga artist dreams, you cannot go to high school, and have no chance of finding a job.’

It’s more than tragic, it is a dead end.

Adaptable, but with no place to adapt to.

An apposite end, but really, too harsh.

If I had made at least a friend like that in school, my middle school life would probably have ended up very different — and Tsukihi-chan, the one who had all the snide remarks, ended up in a different middle school from me.

‘The only consolation you have is probably the fact that this is your last stand. After all, to be able to put in effort is a luxury in itself — surely “an environment where one is allowed to work hard” and “an environment where one must work hard to survive” are two completely different things.’

‘I absolutely agree.’

I do not intend to follow this discussion with something such as ‘the talent to give it their all’, but I will admit I have failed to create an environment where I am allowed to try my best.

I have failed badly.

I have failed spectacularly. I have failed with all my might.

Since my life now depends on them, I really should convince my parents, save their embarrassment, and pursue my dreams — from their perspective, it was a good thing for their daughter to come back after missing for almost half a year, though for her to return a hikikomori is probably something they never wished for.

I lack empathy for my parents.

I am a kid who does not understand others.

In the end, I am an only child who has not changed at all from the disappearance.

There is no way I can make it on my own.

‘Well, the people who’re really gunning for their dreams would still insist on it no matter what their parents say, no matter how their parents worry, and no matter how much trouble they give their parents. If you give up just because you are told to, then it’s quite far away from that.’

‘Absolutely, I also think the same, and I wish I could carry on like that, but I just can’t imagine me doing it… I don’t have a persistent self.’

Being asked to give up, then blaming them for asking me to give up — that’s the me I can imagine.

With that pathetic imagination, I could probably never make it as a manga artist — no, thinking negatively does not help.

Think positively.

Think of me achieving something grand within a year.

‘Though if you say you want to succeed no matter what, there is an easy method.’

‘Eh?’

Easy?

Then suppose I do want to succeed no matter what, what happens now?

‘Sengoku Nadeko. From what I’ve just heard, your problem is with a lack of time, right? You want to give it your all, and you did say you won’t procrastinate, but that sudden announcement of a deadline threw all your plans into whack, right?’

‘Uh, mmm… yes…’

When she puts it like that, it feels like I am throwing a tantrum.

Ah, well, it is a tantrum, isn’t it — to be able to not go to school already shows how sweet my parents are.

‘Rather than say they’re sweet, they really are spoiling you. Therefore you should complain to them for raising such a useless child; “you two are the ones who raised me like this, huhhh!”, something like that.’

‘How did you know the way I spoke back then, Ononoki-chan?’

‘I am a specialist.’

‘What sort of specialist… besides, how could I possibly say that?’

A stereotypical rebellious phase, that.

To not have gone through that rebellious phase is more a problem for Sengoku Nadeko, or the Sengoku household, for that matter.

Which is why my parents took a sudden, forceful approach in solving things —

‘As I was saying, there is a way. Essentially, you have to make your debut whilst still in middle school, right?’

‘Mm, well…’

It makes me sound like some bright-eyed middle school star, but to become a manga artist in middle school is definitely not a realistic dream.

Shoujo manga artists debuting before fifteen is definitely not a rare thing — though they are definitely in a minority; within shounen, most people debut between fifteen and twenty.

‘There are two ways.’

‘Two? Not one, but two?’

‘I would just stay away from the first one — but, Sengoku Nadeko, I feel like I owe you big time, so allow me to offer some guidance.’

She owes me big time?

All I did was hear you complain about Tsukihi-chan… it seems Ononoki-chan’s time in Tsukihi-chan’s room had been excruciatingly traumatic.

Which was something I could imagine.

There were things I wanted to say about ‘some guidance’, but for me, time is running out.

If she has a way to get me out of this, then I am happy to give her all the Häagen-Dazs ice cream she wants.

‘Guide me, Ononoki-chan.’

‘First, after you finish your next piece, stick a photo of your face on it before submitting it. That way the editors would definitely have you on as a bishoujo manga artist.’

She said flatly.

And only flatly.

‘Or, well, so far you’ve only submitted on the internet anonymously, but you can reveal your true identity. Your dramatic life story would surely elevate your work to greater heights.’

‘…You think I would do that?’

‘Probably not. I’m just saying… with your very short hair and sweatshirt for pyjamas, your cuteness has diminished significantly, as if on purpose, clipping one’s wings for redemption yet remaining angelic nonetheless. If you submit your drafts with portraits taken by a pro photographer, I’d wager you’d get the full VIP treatment. Maybe even a call from women’s magazines.’

‘If I get a call from a women’s magazine, I’d say I’ve gone off track.’

‘To model, to step on the runway whilst aspiring to become a manga artist, that’s a character the media would like.’

How could an oddity know so much about media-savviness?

‘I don’t think you should outright deny this approach. It’s not exactly something sinister to do. This isn’t some shortcut or back alleyway; this is taking the expressway. Your cuteness is a talent in and of itself. For you to throw it away would be a loss to the nation.’

Some praise this is, coming from her.

National, huh.

‘If we go by the ten-thousand-hour rule, you’ve spent not three, but fifteen years being cute, making you a grandmaster of cuteness. The cutest Little Miss Cute in the land. Although you’ve misused it, which led to last year’s events, if you use this cuteness wisely, you could do much good to this world. Look at idols: be they boys or girls, their cuteness brings happiness to many and drives economies.’

She may explain it via economics, though I can definitely see her point on happiness — I just cannot see myself learning how to do it.

Even if you made me watch.

But er, does she know this much about idols too, this oddity?

‘For a cute teenage girl to draw a cruel, bloody world — I think this kind of juxtaposition is what the world is looking for. I can’t deny that this may dig open fresh wounds, but then again, if you promote yourself as a friendless hikikomori, then you’ll be less open to criticism. Creating an aura where only heartlessly cruel souls dare attack you, that’s not difficult. I’ll do it for you right away.’

‘I’ve told you, I’m not doing it. It’s not the promotion I want.’

Negative promotion, no less.

Also, I am not drawing a cruel and bloodied world of darkness.

‘Fair enough. Then I shall shelve this proposal. Now for the second method.’

Ononoki-chan retracted without hesitation.

Well, she was probably only thinking out loud.

Because after all, she said she would not recommend it.

‘Oh no, Sengoku Nadeko. The method I think you should stay away from was the second method. I do not recommend it — but now that you have rejected the idol manga artist route, then this is the only other way.’

‘Eh? The only other way —’

‘All you have to do is put in those ten thousand hours within the year you have.’

She described it as flatly as the first proposal, so I nearly missed it — what did this girl say just now?

‘I said, all you have to do is put in those ten thousand hours within the year you have. Technically, you have about ten months left, so ten thousand hours in ten months.’

‘N-nononono! Impossible, impossible, impossible, I say, impossible!’

I’ve told you it’s impossible!

You can only fit ten thousand hours in a year if you give up sleeping or resting! Even if you subtract the hours I have put in so far… it’s still marginal, right!?

If I kept drawing and drawing for twenty-four hours straight every day, it’d take less than a week for a weak girl like me to get to the pearly gates!

‘Yes, that’s right. One flaw with the ten-thousand-hour rule, in my opinion, is that ten thousand hours sounds like a guarantee; well, it is good encouragement, but to equate achieving your dreams with practice alone completely ignores chances of errors and obstacles. Overexerting and putting in too much work at a time is the fastest path to failure. Too much work just doesn’t make sense. What should matter is the quality of the work put in. If all that accumulates is poor work, then it can only affect one negatively, as some sort of negative promotional material.’

You obviously knew.

Indeed.

Getting to the pearly gates might be an exaggeration, but if one drew non-stop for a long time, one would end up with tenosynovitis — a chronic illness kills any dream of becoming a manga artist.

If I retired from an injury, and someone said ‘see, you gave up in the middle of it’, that is something I could not handle.

More than that, I cannot handle it, even if I wanted to.

There is no firm correlation between hard work and making a star player, though if a star player must come at the expense of a hundred others, it is not a good training method.

‘“Where generals conquer, myriads perish”, huh; but I find voodoo a better metaphor — maybe that still happens after becoming a manga artist. The best way to get put on the map is to get more manga artists and draw more manga.’

‘Mm. I’ve heard that it really was like that back in the day.’

A world of rigorous, relentless competition, though these days things have gone better in terms of overtime and workers’ rights.

Which is a good thing.

Well, for me, I am not even sure if this was the future awaiting me.

‘Then, what should I do? Accumulating ten thousand hours of effort in a year without overworking is impossible. Absolutely impossible. If I want to do three years’ work in one year, then even without caring about quality, I will have to treble the workload.’

‘Geez. You are a girl who was once a god. Even if you haven’t tried it before, for you to make the impossible possible must be easier than becoming a manga artist?’

Ononoki-chan said without emotion the crux of her second proposal. If she could do a posed look, now would have been the time.

‘You don’t treble the workload, you treble yourself.’