Monogatari Series - Volume 17 - Chapter 3.11

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Hanekawa’s point startled me─I’d completely failed to ask about this, but yes, it was strange. I never expected to encounter another “locked room” after all that had happened, and the circumstances around this case were different from that strange classroom I’d been trapped in with Ogi. A plain locked room with no relation to aberrations, and one that suggested foul play─this really was like a mystery novel.

A simple, uncomplicated locked room, making it impossible to know where to start─a room with boarded-up windows and a locked door? The structure was too simple for it to contain any kind of tricks. And Oikura was saying that a human being vanished from inside of it?

A disappearance from inside a locked room.

A universal theme, yes, but…

“How? Through the door, how else?”

But Oikura, a party to the case, didn’t seem to get what Hanekawa was saying─and was wondering why she was so caught up in minor details.

“You just have to turn the lock from the inside to open the door. Then she can leave, right?”

“Was it an auto-locking door?”

“Just how modern do you think our place was? It was an old rental, so it had a normal lock. The key was sitting around somewhere or other, though, so she must have locked it again as she left.”

Oh.

Well, that did serve as one logical explanation─but I felt I knew what Hanekawa was thinking. Would a person who was about to disappear go to the trouble of locking a door back up?

Wherever she was disappearing to, wouldn’t she want to leave the scene as quickly as possible to pull off her disappearing act? At least, it was hard to imagine she had the presence of mind to search for a key that lay somewhere or other. Even if she did have the time.

In other words, the fact that Oikura had to open the lock when she discovered her mother’s disappearance didn’t make logical sense.

“Why do you care about such a minor detail─I could be misremembering, or maybe my mother locked it for no real reason. Thinking it was better.”

“Well, okay, sure─” Hanekawa said.

It was as if she was only pretending to listen to Oikura’s view─well, she did listen, but not as if she was taking it into consideration. Hanekawa’s feeling that something was off must have come from Oikura’s story as a whole, not just this point─the mother’s disappearance was the part that broke it all apart. Not that I had any idea what had precipitated her doubts…

But yes, overwhelmed by Oikura’s story, by her upbringing, I’d neglected to do much thinking at all─but that was just me.

Oikura’s view did have some merit to it, of course. Faced with Sodachi Oikura, a girl who rationality stood no chance against, who in fact only ever acted counter to rationality, it didn’t seem that strange for a person to go out of her way to scrupulously lock up as she disappeared.

Hm. But speaking of locking up…

“In that case, Oikura,” I said. “Forget about the door to the room, what about your front door? Was it open? Or was it locked?”

“Huh? Why would you bother asking… I don’t remember,” she replied sourly. “If I don’t remember, that means it didn’t make an impression on me, so I guess it was locked? If it had been open, I’d have thought something was strange from that moment.”

“…”

That would mean Oikura’s mother not only made sure to lock up the door to her room before leaving, but the front door as well…

“I guess she wanted to make sure no burglars got in for the sake of the daughter she was leaving behind? I’m sure there was a spare key to the front door lying around somewhere…”

Probably not anywhere as obvious as under a potted plant, but surely you could find some kind of extra key to the front door with a little bit of searching, just like you could find a key to that room. At least, it wasn’t physically impossible.

“So that burglars wouldn’t come in, for my sake? My mother would never do something so admirable. She’d never act like some kind of guardian.”

I’d been defending Oikura’s view, if anything, but she shot me down… In the face of this irrationality, whether or not a door or two had been locked or unlocked seemed less significant.

Still, Hanekawa continued to think.

Almost as if she felt troubled─what exactly was she trying to focus on? At this rate, I couldn’t possibly ask her about her promise to let me touch her chest, not that it was on my mind at all, of course.

Oikura seemed irritated.

“I don’t get it… Does my mother’s disappearance interest you that much? Why?” she said. “I don’t understand most of what my mother did. I don’t know why she suddenly disappeared─or why she let her spirit be broken over that man. I don’t understand why she wanted to stick with someone like him when he kept hitting her. Did I say this already? Or did I not? It wasn’t my mother, subjected to violence, who said she wanted a divorce, but my male parent─I really don’t get it. What is with my family? Well, we’re not a family anymore─we never were from the start. What’s with me? Tell me, Araragi…do you have any idea how I felt when I was taken into protection at your home?”

“Huh?”

“I thought you were putting on some kind of show─because I thought my house, my household was the norm. I couldn’t believe that a house with unbroken windows, unbroken walls, unbroken floors, a tidy little house like that─a household that peaceful could actually exist. That’s why I just kept glaring at you all─glaring at you without saying a word. Do you remember that?”

“Yeah…”

I nodded, but this was a lie. I didn’t remember anything about that time. But just as Sengoku remembered it clearly─Oikura had found it an intense experience as well.

It was all too bright, she said.

…I’m going to go ahead and say here that while my family might be unique in that both of my parents are police officers, we aren’t particularly special─I think we’re a very normal household.

When we didn’t get along, we didn’t get along, just like normal.

It was too bright for her.

The completely normal.

Even the ways we didn’t get along.

“It was too bright for me─and so I ran away. It dazzled my eyes and I thought I’d go blind. I thought the warmth, the comfort there would destroy me. But it was no good. Too late. Once I saw that, I realized how miserable my own house was.”

It would’ve been better if I didn’t know.

It would’ve been better if you and I.

If we had never met─said Oikura.

“Once I realized that, it was hopeless─when I tried to act out and do something about it, I was called rebellious. It got me hit even more. I was beaten when people wouldn’t see, in places people couldn’t see. But while I’d run away once, I couldn’t do it again. Not anymore. Which is why I even thought it was some kind of fate that we met again in middle school─I tried so hard to pander to you, remember?”

“…”

“Of course, as a result, I was a little too harsh with you when we were reunited for a second time in high school… Not that it mattered, since you’d forgotten about me anyway.”

And now she was an emotionally unstable girl during this, our third time being reunited. As if all of her personalities had merged…

She’d walked a terrible road.

She had lost her way─to the point where I wondered how one person could stray so far.

“God… Things never go well for me, do they. Just as I thought I could finally start over now that Tetsujo is gone, I get put in the same class as you again. Unbelievable.”

It really does feel like some kind of fate, Oikura continued.

“Some kind of cursed fate. You show up at every turning point in my life to spread disaster everywhere.”

“It’s my fault?”

“Yes. My life is a total mess thanks to you─no.”

She shook her head.

Forcefully.

“I know. It’s not your fault, I’m the one to blame─it’s not even my parents’ fault. My mother was right, she’d have had a more decent life if she’d given birth to anyone but me. I’m to blame. I’m to blame. I’m to blame.”

I’m to hate.

I hate me.

“But you know, Araragi, I can’t keep going unless I make it your fault. I’m sorry, but won’t you play the villain for me? It’s no good anymore, making my parents the villains just isn’t enough.”

“Oikura─”

“Why doesn’t it ever go well? I’m doing everything I should be doing. I’m working hard, I’m giving it my all… Sure, I’m messed up in a lot of ways, whether it’s my personality or my head, but…I haven’t done anything so bad that I deserve this kind of punishment, have I? Tell me, Araragi. You’re happy right now, aren’t you? And if you think I’ve done anything at all to contribute to that, if you’ll think that for my sake, then tell me. Why can’t I be happy?”

“You can’t be happy because…”

It was Hanekawa who answered─before I even got a chance to think.

“You’re not trying to be happy. No one can make you happy when you’re not even trying.”

“Sounds like you know this from experience.”

“I don’t know everything. I only know what I know.”

For some reason, Oikura’s expression relaxed when she heard Hanekawa’s harsh words. Then─

“You know, you’re exactly right. Bingo,” she said─as if this was some kind of quiz with a prize attached. “I mean, I’m so fragile that I’d be crushed like a bug if I ever was happy. Both my eyes and my body, destroyed. I can’t bear the weight of happiness. I’d rather be soaked from head to toe in lukewarm unhappiness and make do with it than be happy after all this time. I want to live with drenched shoes. And that’s what I’ve done… Yeah. I don’t want to be happy after all this time. It’s too late.”

Too late.

In that case, when could I have made it in time?

Two years ago? Five years ago? Six years ago?

Or was it already too late before any of that─for my childhood friend.

Was it all in the past, something that couldn’t be undone at this point, too late and irrecoverable? No.

It wasn’t.

That wasn’t it.

Hanekawa was right, attacking your old self isn’t learning from the past, but a way to avoid responsibility─but that doesn’t mean the right thing to do is to give up and cut the past loose. I don’t know what the right thing to do is─I don’t know what’s right. It’s something I’ve lost sight of, something I’ve lost.

But I did feel like I knew when something was wrong, and I wasn’t wrong to think it was wrong to leave her like this and go home.

“There’s no such thing,” I said. “There’s no such thing in this world as happiness so heavy it’d crush you. Happiness isn’t bright or heavy. Stop overestimating happiness. Happiness in all its forms suits you fine.”

It’s perfect for you.

Tailor-made─it’d look just right on you.

“So don’t hate happiness like that. Don’t hate the world, don’t hate everything around you─don’t hate yourself. All of that hate in you, give it to me─I’ll accept it, so please, you need to start loving yourself more.”

Start loving Sodachi Oikura.

You can hate me as much as you want─so just love yourself.

At least as much as I used to love you.

“It’s true, I’m happy now─which is why I can say this! This kind of thing is normal for anyone!”

Nudge.

I felt a light jab to my side─it was Hanekawa.

This brought me back to my senses.

What was I saying? What was I doing? Hanekawa was finally talking to Oikura and I’d interrupted her─I should have left the rest up to Hanekawa once she got started. But I had to butt in.

I gritted my teeth, ready to be scolded─but she just pulled her hand back and whispered so that only I could hear.

“Nice one.”

It did relieve me to know that my reckless words hadn’t displeased her─but the question remained.

Of how exactly Sodachi Oikura took them─my reckless, even ungrateful words aimed at this girl, who had undoubtedly been responsible in part for my happiness. And she took them by saying─

“Town Hall.”

Town Hall?

She looked up─like she was tired.

“Someone from Town Hall is coming soon. I’m sorry to say this just as you’re getting this passionate, but really, could you please go home? They’re going to check if everything is fine with my living situation… If I’m being honest with you, they’re just barely overlooking the fact that I’m not going to school. It’d be really bad if they saw me arguing with my classmates.”

An excuse to drive us off?

But in that case, wouldn’t she have used it earlier?

Which meant it wasn’t a lie. At least, Hanekawa seemed to come to that conclusion.

“Oh. Then we’ll leave for today,” she nodded. “But we’re coming back again tomorrow. And the day after, weekend or not. It might annoy you, but that’s how we do things. We annoy the people we like.”

Oh, oops, Hanekawa continued, tacking on another comment.

“I almost forgot. I ought to say this first. I actually kind of like you a lot now.”

“…”

Those words.

Those words from Tsubasa Hanekawa made Sodachi Oikura look sincerely troubled─and she looked at the floor, resentfully it seemed.

“In that case,” she said.

In that case, you two.

“I want you to find my missing mother. If you do, I wouldn’t mind going to school for you─or even apologizing to Miss Senjogahara.”