Monogatari Series - Volume 14 - Chapter 1.11

011

No way to fix it.

No way back.

It struck me as odd that when I heard Ononoki’s cruel pronouncement, when I heard that hopeless answer condemning me to my fate─I accepted it readily.

I accepted it.

Without shock or consternation.

Her answer touched something in me.

Something deep inside of me.

Or no, maybe not quite─it’s not like it was totally unsurprising. It was definitely not what I thought she was going to say. But it was the kind of surprise you feel when you happen to put a piece of a jigsaw puzzle in exactly the right place, or when you open a dictionary to precisely the page you’re looking for. I was startled by how “right” it felt.

“I see…” I nodded.

The one most likely to mock this response, in all its stiff-upper-lip gallantry, was none other than me. Who’re you trying to impress? I wanted to ask.

Like when someone gets hit by a car and says, I’m fine.

“So that’s the deal, huh? Well, there it is, then.”

“I expected you’d be a mite more upset about it,” Ms. Kagenui, eyeing me doubtfully, said from atop Ononoki’s shoulders. “We’re still inside the barrier, you know. You don’t want to roll around on the ground for a spell and bawl your eyes out? Wail your frustrations at the heavens? Go on, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear nor see a blessed thing.”

“No… Well.”

When you stopped to think about it, this wasn’t a question of a mere broken finger─I’d been informed that I was dropping out of the human race, never to return. I wasn’t just losing some part of myself, I was losing my very humanity, so there’d be no shame in rolling around on the ground and crying for a while.

And yet.

I felt absolutely no need to do so.

“What can I say. It’s like, There you go. Guess that makes sense.”

“…”

“I mean, I’ve been really reckless these past six months. It was the same when we fought each other… I was turning myself into a vampire like it was nothing, like I was drinking an energy drink or something, relying on the power of an immortal to battle aberrations. And the retribution for that…”

Retribution?

That’s what I said, but somehow it didn’t sound right.

Why, I couldn’t say…or no, it sounded wrong because there was a better word for it.

It wasn’t retribution.

The price.

“I had to pay some kind of price.”

Yes, a price.

I’d been cooking the books, and the secret finally came out─that morning it finally came out, finally came into view (or, not).

That’s all. No biggie.

I was actually surprised it’d taken so long.

I was just paying interest─on all the bills that had come due recently.

I was just settling the accounts for all my shenanigans.

No─

This was the last installment, the final payment.

Last year was over, even according to the traditional calendar─and Koyomi Araragi needed to wrap up his fiscal year.

That’s all there was to it.

“Price, right,” repeated Ms. Kagenui disinterestedly. Her expression suggested that maybe she’d wanted to watch me writhe around on the ground for her sadistic delectation. “Well, what else could you expect, throwing around all that power willy-nilly─no choice but to accept it, I reckon. Not that that ever-so-enlightened attitude of yours will do a lick of good. Still and all, I reckon you haven’t lost your humanity just yet.”

“What…do you mean?”

“There’s no way to reverse the process, no way to fix it, but there’s a way to keep your transformation into a vampire from progressing.” Ms. Kagenui prompted Ononoki, seemingly telling her to pick up the thread of the explanation. As onmyoji and shikigami, they really seemed to have some kind of psychic link.

“Okay. So, there is a method, monstieur.”

“By a ‘method’ you mean a way not to lose any more of my humanity?”

“Well, yeah… Yeah. We’ll have to conduct a thorough, by-the-book examination to find out how vampiricized you are, kind monster sir, and how much of your humanity you retain. But either way, there’s a way for you to maintain the current status quo, whatever that turns out to be.”

“…”

I didn’t ask right away what this method might be because I somehow felt like that’d be greedy.

Like it’d be shady, as if I were trying to default on my loans─sure, I’d talked like I was at peace with it, but ultimately, given my predicament, I had to find out what this method was, if there really was one.

“So what is it, Ononoki? What’s the method?”

“Mmmm… Maybe ‘method’ wasn’t the best way to describe it, since it doesn’t really involve you doing anything. In other words,” continued Ononoki, “You just have to stop using your vampiric power.”

“…”

“You can keep feeding Big Sis Shinobu, of course─using your shadow as a battery charger like you’ve been doing should be fine. If that’s as far as it goes, then there’s no problem. But you’ve got to keep an even keel, and of course you’ve got to avoid actually transforming into a vampire. No matter what.”

“Stop using my vampiric power…”

Definitely not what you’d call a method.

It didn’t even require any action on my part.

Though that didn’t mean it would be easy.

If anything, it sounded like a detox program─would it be that easy to wean myself off of vampiric immortality, given how handy it’d been?

And there was no question that, having so fecklessly immersed myself in the world of aberrations, I’d continue to be involved with them, to get sucked into their orbit.

Even now they were dragging me down.

“Supposing,” I sprang a totally unnecessary question on Ononoki for the sake of confirmation. “Supposing from now on─I kept on using the power of immortality every time I had to deal with an aberration, what’d happen to me then?”

“You know what would happen─don’t make me say it, not to a friend. You’d edge closer and closer to being a vampire. I can’t say for sure how many more chances you’ve got─but you definitely have less wiggle room than you think, monstieur.”

“I’m not thinking about wiggle room or more chances or anything, that would be too optimistic, but…”

But.

Supposing there was something─something I absolutely had to do, while I was still human, while I could still maintain my humanity, that required the power of a vampire.

Could I─really refrain from using it?

I couldn’t help but envision such a scenario.

But Ms. Kagenui’s next words wiped such visions from my mind. “Best not to speak any more on it, best not to think any more on it. I declared this to you before…and it was a declaration of war: if you transform into an immortal aberration even once more, even one more iota, it will be my professional duty to kill you. I will have no choice but to slay you. Even now you’re on the brink of vampiredom─you might call your current status ‘a somewhat vampiric human being,’ but if that balance should tip any further… Need I say more?”

“…”

I’d been able to get a grasp on my current situation thanks to Ms. Gaen so swiftly dispatching Ms. Kagenui and Ononoki to meet me─but while that was an expression of Ms. Gaen’s kindness and goodwill, it was also her way of driving the point home.

That’s the kind of person she was.

She dispatched Ms. Kagenui knowing that the onmyoji was not only knowledgeable about all things immortally aberrant but also inordinately obsessed with destroying them.

The harsh reality was that Ms. Gaen had dispatched Ms. Kagenui under the assumption that if my transformation into a vampire exceeded the limits of what Ms. Kagenui felt she could let slide─she would exterminate me right then and there. Naturally, I wanted to believe that Ms. Gaen deemed that unlikely, but…

“Just so’s you know, I’ve let you and the former Heartunderblade go on account of Oshino requesting that I certify you as harmless─but as it stands, you’re right on the line. One step over, young man─or even if I just get the notion one day, I’m liable to put you down.”

“…”

If she just got the notion, huh…

“One more time should be fine, I’ll make an exception just this once─you start thinking like that, slipping back into the occasional transformation, and you’ll be in my crosshairs just like that. Or, no. No no no. I’ll act the second I judge you to lack the proper self-control. Though if you’re apt to step out of line sooner or later, I reckon the proper thing might just be to take care of business right here and now.”

“Do so and I shall slay thee on the spot, Madam Expert.”

Shinobu broke her long silence then─in contrast with Ms. Kagenui’s somewhat indifferent attitude and Ononoki’s expressionlessness, she was brimming with fearsome emotion.

Animosity spilling over the sides of the words she unleashed.

“Should my lord and master die, or be slain, then would I be released from my bondage─and with my full power returned to me, I too would become thy target.”

“So you would. Yes, you would indeed. And you and I would come to blows, then, I reckon─your harmless certification being revoked at that point and all.”

Ms. Kagenui returned Shinobu’s murderous stare without an ounce of fear; in fact, she was smiling. While they may have been at odds over summer break, the two never actually fought one another─which of them would win such a battle was anybody’s guess.

The standoff dragged on for a while, the tension so thick I couldn’t even speak, but eventually Ononoki dispelled it with the reasonable question, “Aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves, Big Sis? Big Sis Shinobu? What’s the point of getting heated about it now?”

Speaking up in that situation, interjecting that aloof if reasonable question, had to be Kaiki’s influence─and I felt a grudging sense of gratitude towards him.

If they started fighting it out at that moment, I’d have absolutely no way of stopping them without using my vampiric power.

Though I probably wouldn’t be able to stop them even then…

“Sorry, kind monster sir. As you can see, my Big Sis is surprisingly quick-tempered, quick to jump to conclusions, and quick to tire of long-term talk. So even though she’s older, you can’t expect her to take you under her wing. That is, I hope not taking you under her wing is as far as it goes. And that’s why I have a favor to ask of you, kind monster sir. As a friend…I want you to promise me right here and now that you will never, ever, ever use your vampiric power again─I want you to swear that no matter what hardships you face, you’ll act without recourse to the power of immortality. That you’ll live out the rest of your life as a human being.”

I want you to swear. To live a human life, Ononoki summed up placidly.

“…”

“I’m a shikigami, after all. If Big Sis ordered me to, I’d have no choice but to fight, even if it was against you, monstieur─I have my personal feelings, but that’s as far as it goes. That’s how I was made.”

“Ononoki…”

“You’ve already had a healthy dose of immortality, isn’t that enough? Take my word for it as a corpse, immortality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…even if you take us out of the equation. As it is, you’re teetering on the edge, but you’re still human…or you can pass for human, anyway.”

Pass for human.

What a choice of words.

Coming from a doll who herself was only passing for human.

“No reflection, slightly accelerated healing─if that’s all it is, you should be able to pull it off. Think of your formerly weightless girlfriend, or your friend with the monkey’s arm─for now, you can just go back to studying for exams. Let’s see, I imagine if you don’t show up in mirrors you won’t show up in photographs either, but…you already took your picture for the application, right?”

“Yeah.”

The one with the long hair.

“Then you’re fine,” said Ononoki.

I couldn’t fathom what basis she had for saying anything was fine… Plus, if I did get into college I’d have to take a photo for my student ID, but whatever, it was a nice thing to say.

A nice promise─she couldn’t keep.

“I think I get the idea, Ononoki…Ms. Kagenui. I understand. I swear, I will never again borrow, use, or exploit the power of a vampire to face off against an aberration─if I do have to deal with an aberration in the future, I’ll face it as a human being, using human ingenuity instead of vampiric power. Does that work for you?”

“Yes indeed, that’ll do just fine,” replied Ms. Kagenui. “If you can do that for me, I reckon it’ll save me a lot of professional trouble. And it’ll save your life, and the former Heartunderblade’s.”

“Kind of a lightly taken vow,” Ononoki muttered under her breath, just when Ms. Kagenui and I somehow managed to arrive at an understanding.

What a nasty thing to say.

Something a nasty person would say.

Then again, lightly taken? Maybe so. I wasn’t confident that I’d keep that promise if push came to shove.

In the end, no matter what vows I took─if, for instance, Senjogahara or Hanekawa was about to die before my very eyes and I could prevent it by transforming into a vampire, I’m pretty sure there’d be no question. I wouldn’t think about the cost of my action, I’d just be lost in it.

That’s the kind of guy Koyomi Araragi is.

I still felt that way after everything I’d learned, and regretted, and knowing full well how that pesky character trait of mine invited any number of crises in the past─even death wouldn’t cure me of my recklessness, or make me wreck less stuff.

Even not dying wouldn’t cure me─alas.

That said, however, my agreement with Ms. Kagenui wasn’t just an expedient to escape her threats of violence.

Even if I harbored doubts about myself in my heart of hearts, I don’t have the nerves of steel it takes to bullshit such a vicious opponent.

My nerves are probably more like rusty tin.

Which meant that I needed to come up with a way of dealing with aberrations that didn’t involve transforming into a vampire─even if we weren’t talking about aberrations, I had to figure out how to prevent situations like Senjogahara or Hanekawa’s hypothetically imminent demise from cropping up in the first place.

Yes, prevention.

Prevention was the key─consider the situation from every angle, and prevent it. It was my failure to do precisely this that had landed me in the soup, but I could use my failure, my not being reflected in mirrors, as food for thought, a recipe for self-reflection. At least it was me and not someone else whose goose was cooked.

Well.

Ononoki was absolutely right that, compared to Senjogahara’s old affliction and Kanbaru’s arm─not having a reflection was more like a party trick.

So relax.

I mean, I should be thankful it was a vampire.

What if it had been a gorgon? That would’ve been terrible.

Then I’d have turned to stone when I looked in the mirror.

“Why force yourself to be so positive…” murmured Ms. Kagenui. “That optimism will just turn to ashes in your mouth. When you wake up tomorrow, I reckon you’ll find yourself in hell.”

“What a nasty thing to say…the both of you, nothing but nasty things to say. Is that what you call informed consent? And don’t worry, my little sisters put on a big show of waking me up every morning, so I won’t have time to get depressed about it… Well, Ms. Kagenui, Ononoki. Thanks for all your help.”

“And you, thank you kindly─no, wait a sec!” Ms. Kagenui wasn’t playful enough to suddenly throw in a joke like that, so she must’ve just slipped for a second there. “I’m still fixing to examine your body─thoroughly.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. You may still be more human than not, but are you willing to die just because you ate some garlic by accident? I reckon the sun won’t reduce you to ash this time of year, but I can’t be sure about the dog days of summer. Think of the future, if you want to take a holiday to some tropical island in your old age, your nice tan skin might go up in flames.”

“The UV index affects a vampire’s sensitivity to the sun?”

First I’d heard of it.

Global warming was going to wipe out vampires once and for all…

“Figuring out what you can do and what you can’t, what’s okay and what’s not, where the borderline is, and where the foul lines are─that’ll make the rest of your life a whole lot easier. That’s just my advice, though, my work as an expert is done here for the moment.”

“I see…”

It sounded terrible.

That is, I was already fed up just thinking about it─I wasn’t as strong-willed as Senjogahara. To live a life like that, a partner’s…Shinobu’s cooperation would be indispensable.

I needed someone to smack me every time I screwed up.

Seemed like Senjogahara’s experience would be instructive─but when I looked at my partner Shinobu, she had her arms crossed, and if she didn’t seem displeased, she didn’t seem convinced either.

“Um…Shinobu.”

“What.”

Uh oh.

Not trying to hide her feelings.

Zero effort at keeping up appearances.

Then again, it was hard to tell what she was feeling in the first place…though whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t good.

“This’ll probably be inconvenient for you too, so…sorry.”

“’Tis not something to apologize for. I tire of telling thee this, my lord, but we share a common destiny, our lots are cast together─the fact that we are thus united at all is itself a miraculously convenient plot device, and for that alone ’tis meet that some price be paid as thou hast said.”

’Tis no impediment nor inconvenience to me, Shinobu maintained, suddenly defiant─but she was absolutely right.

Then what was she so unhappy about? Perhaps for Shinobu Oshino, the formerly immortal king of aberrations, simply getting advice from this expert, her natural enemy the Aberration Roller, was unbearable enough. Even if she hadn’t stood on her head.

“And I’m assuming we can’t put it off until tomorrow?”

“No. No indeed, with your vampiric level at its highest here under the moonlight, we ought to be able to reckon the limit precisely. Not that I think it likely, but there’s an outside chance that if we wait until tomorrow, you’ll up and evaporate with the first rays of the sun. And I imagine you wouldn’t be too keen on that, now, would you. If we work through the night we should be able to learn most everything we need to know.”

“Don’t worry, monstieur. I’ll be the one to carry out the bulk of the examination… I’ll be diligent, and gentlemanly. No sneak-attacks like when Big Sis broke your fingers.”

“…”

I hadn’t even considered that last possibility, but now that she’d brought it up, I was suddenly a little afraid of a full examination… And did Ononoki being the examiner put my mind at ease? If you turned her words around it sounded like she was announcing that she would break my bones, just not in a sneak attack.

Hang on.

Maybe she was going to perform the service─I mean the examination, by licking my entire body like she sucked on my toe?

I was starting to look forward to it.

“What are you grinning about, monstieur… It’s creepy.”

I don’t know if it was Kaiki’s influence or if she’d have said it anyway, but such a straight rejection was surprisingly hurtful.

I did hate Kaiki after all.

“Well, I’m keen to get started─you don’t need to call home or anything?” asked Ms. Kagenui.

“No, it’s fine. My parents pretty much leave me to my own devices. Plus my hard-to-please, hardly pleasing little sisters are at a pajama party tonight.”

I’d sent them to Kanbaru’s to protect them (Tsukihi in particular) but suddenly had the feeling that I’d done Suruga Kanbaru a huge favor.

Pajama party or no, Kanbaru always sleeps naked. I wanted to believe she wouldn’t do that with my little sisters there…

“Hmm, fine and dandy, then. I’ll just give Gaen-senpai a holler and tell her it was nothing big.”

“…”

Right, nothing big.

Nothing at all.

A perfectly natural attitude for someone like Ms. Kagenui, who was constantly facing off against immortal aberrations, but it was also perfectly true─for me as well.

This was perfectly ordinary.

Compared to the months Nadeko Sengoku had lost.

This was nothing at all.

“Yotsugi. Cell phone.”

“Yes, Sis.”

Ononoki produced a cell phone─a smart phone─from who knows where, and handed it to Ms. Kagenui. Ononoki, a smart phone? I was taken aback. Though from their exchange I gathered that it was Ms. Kagenui’s, and she was just making her familiar carry it.

Since she constantly needed to navigate difficult terrain, Ms. Kagenui probably did her best to travel as lightly as possible… Maybe she gave it all to Ononoki to carry, her wallet, her cell phone, everything.

“Too bad I didn’t get to slaughter you, but having caught you just before you blossomed into an immortal aberration, I’m fully satisfied with my day’s work─hmmhmhmm,” Ms. Kagenui remarked as she typed on her cell phone, humming here and there─she was most likely composing a report for Ms. Gaen, but unlike Shinobu, Ms. Kagenui seemed to be in very high spirits indeed. I trembled in horror at her boundlessly disturbing disappointment at not getting to kill me, but as far as I could tell from her expression, she wasn’t actually that disappointed.

Did catching people before they blossomed into immortal aberrations─having managed to─really make her that happy?

“Hey, Ms. Kagenui.”

“What can I do you for?”

“Um… Let’s see, actually I wanted to ask you this over the summer as well, but…why are you so set on killing immortal aberrations?”

“Sorry?” Her hand stopped typing mid-message.

I asked knowing that I might be stepping into taboo territory, but all she did was ask me to repeat myself. Like she was so wrapped up in composing her message that she heard me, but not really.

“What was that, young man?”

“I was just… I was just asking why you’re so intent on killing immortal aberrations… As a field of aberration specialization, that’s quite specific, isn’t it?”

“Hm? Maybe it is at that. But I don’t really think of it that way. Seeing as most aberrations, monsters that is, are already dead. Isn’t that right, Yotsugi?”

“Sure…though the standard is pretty ambiguous, monstieur. Depending on how you interpret immortality, you could even say that Big Sis is a general practitioner.”

“…”

Well.

Sure, fair enough.

Since the one saying so, her familiar, was a corpse tsukumogami, an immortal aberration you might expect to be a target for Ms. Kagenui in the first place. Because of that contradiction, or failure even, maybe her area of expertise was surprisingly fuzzy.

Intuitive, so to speak.

And it was Kaiki, of all people, who’d described Ms. Kagenui and Ononoki’s specialty as “narrow”─maybe I’d made a real fool of myself taking what he said at face value.

I was mortified.

“The fact is, I’m not the only expert who specializes in immortal aberrations─though it’s true enough that there’s only one other who’s as keen as I am to kill them, no matter what the cost.”

“So there’s someone else, huh?”

Somehow that didn’t sit well with me.

As someone she’d tried to kill─as an immortal aberration she’d tried to roll, with that ferocious fanaticism─no matter what the cost.

“Keheh, that someone else is a bit of a recluse, though, so don’t fret about it, young man─even went astray from Ms. Gaen’s group, that one, a real stray dog,” said Ms. Kagenui. “No need to take that into account. As to why a body specializes in immortal aberrations, well, it’s because no matter how much you smash them or how hard you hit them, you can never go too far─hm? Don’t I recall telling you this before?”

“Yeah, I’ve definitely heard that part before, but…”

But I didn’t think that could be the only reason.

Did she really set herself against all immortal aberrations─for that reason alone? It seemed like an all-too-perilous way of life…

She was a street-fighting woman, maybe that was reason enough?

Like she was intentionally selecting the highest difficulty level or something─though other than the bigger of my little sisters, I’ve only ever encountered that kind of character in boys’ manga.

“What, young man? You hankering for the spinoff about how I got started down this path?”

“No no no, I’m not such a nosey parker… It’s just, to be honest, I’m bothered by how much it bothers me. Oshino was the first one of you I met, and his area of expertise barely seemed to amount to anything… But ultimately I guess the same is true of you and Kaiki, and Ms. Gaen too.”

“What’re you on about? You ought to be more worried about Yotsugi’s reasons than mine, anyway.”

“Huh?”

The thrust of my question suddenly deflected, I turned towards Ononoki─but she was just looking at me, expressionless as always.

Blankly, vacantly.

Looking at no longer fully human me.

“Ms. Kagenui, what do you mean─”

“Hm?”

Apparently her smart phone vibrated as I was about to pursue the matter. She’d gotten a call while she was still in the middle of composing that message to Ms. Gaen.

Ms. Kagenui checked the screen, which I couldn’t see from where I was standing, and scowled─then pressed the button to pick up the call.

“Hello, Kagenui speaking,” she answered like nothing was going on.

Well, it’s not like it was such a race against time at this point, so I wasn’t particularly worried about being interrupted.

What did worry me, though, was Ms. Kagenui’s ebullient mood souring somewhat.

Her expression changed visibly.

“Uh huh… Hang on a minute. Hang on. I was just now telling the young man about… That can’t be. Senpai, that’s just too awful─”

Senpai?

Senpai─there’s only one person in the world Ms. Kagenui calls senpai, so that meant she was talking to Ms. Gaen, Izuko Gaen. In which case her change of expression made sense. Even Ms. Kagenui had trouble with Ms. Gaen’s unique brand of “presumptuousness.”

For my part, my first reaction was that you’d expect no less─to call just as there was a break in our conversation, in fact just as Ms. Kagenui was composing a message to her─you’d expect no less of Ms. Gaen, and yet─

Something, somehow, seemed strange…

“Uh huh… Uh huh. But right now, Tadatsuru… Really? Okay. I’ll let Araragi know─that’s all we can do right now, I reckon. And we’re okay as is? Just keep going with the flow?”

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, Ms. Kagenui nodded two or three times, then said, “Goodbye,” and hung up. She did know how to say a proper farewell, I thought to myself.

It was, frankly speaking, no time for such frivolous thoughts─but I had a bad habit of comparing Ms. Kagenui and Kaiki, and Ms. Gaen, to Oshino.

“Young man. The worst news has come at the worst time.”

“Huh? Th-That call was from Ms. Gaen, though, wasn’t it?”

No.

There was no doubt about that─but hang on, Ms. Kagenui hadn’t told the other person a thing about the current situation, that is to say about my condition.

In other words, she hadn’t delivered any of the report that she’d been preparing, that she’d been composing in written form─which meant, naturally, that the conversation had been about something Ms. Gaen had on her mind.

And that conversation concerned this “worst news”?

In which case, why would this be the “worst time”? To begin with, any time you get the worst news, whenever it is, that moment, that right now automatically becomes the worst time, doesn’t it?

“I’ll lend you Yotsugi for a spell. Now hurry, there’s not a moment to lose.”

“Hurry…to where?”

“To Suruga Kanbaru’s house. To the house where Gaen-senpai’s sister Toé’s daughter lives─hurry up and go find your little sisters,” Ms. Kagenui said with a sharp glare, her tone sharp─altogether sharply. “Though they may not actually be there anymore.”