Monogatari Series - Volume 10 - Chapter 1.31

031

I did end up taking the day off from school.

And the next day, and the next.

I had no choice.

That’s how horribly sore my muscles were after an entire night of running─it was like I had wrecked my entire body.

I had plenty of time to reflect on what came of acting without considering the consequences─but at the same time, I’d gotten to see my senior again thanks to that lack of consideration, so let’s call it a win.

“All’s well that ends well” are profound words indeed.

That being said, I may not have needed my third day of rest, but, but, I wanted to be back in tip-top shape when I returned to school so I decided to be extra cautious.

I had options, of course.

To put it in Lord Devil terms, I had the Easy, Normal, and Hard options─Easy would naturally be to take the mysterious mummified object that had been delivered to me and to say, Ewww gross, and smash it to bits. Then live out the rest of my life in calm, composed contentment.

That would be simplest.

If this were a novel, it wouldn’t be a bad ending for my coming-of-age story. The last page could close with the masterful line, And so the girl grew into a woman.

Normal would be, yes─handing over the mysterious mummified object to the junk collector who desired it so much. Then we could make believe we were friends and act out a proper farewell accompanied by a catchy line. Not a bad ending either. Sorry, thanks, farewell. That would wrap up the story nice and neat, and it might leave a surprisingly pleasant aftertaste as well.

But I chose Hard as a matter of course.

There never really was another option.

That’s how I live my life.

When I play video games, I always choose the highest difficulty level right off the bat.

Which is why─I chose to draw out a devil using a devil as bait, and as if that wasn’t enough, to do my best to exorcise that devil once it graced my presence─as the bonkers way to end this tale.

I doubt very much that it was what the mystery man who sent me the mummified object was hoping I would do─he, that swindler, probably wanted me to pick Easy Mode.

But I wasn’t going to be the me he wanted me to be.

Just as I couldn’t do what my mother, not that I know what she expected by bequeathing that mummified hand, wanted me to do.

I’m an athlete.

So I know very well the significance of living up to people’s expectations─but if, in spite of that knowledge, I stumbled onto the significance of betraying those expectations, I might as well go all the way with it.

If high school is all about making memories─I should at least make satisfying ones.

Even if I’m going to forget them someday.

“…I didn’t expect to see you again, Kanbaru.”

After school, Friday.

Although it was after school on a weekday, and not exam week or anything, no one was practicing in the gym─I was the only person there, just like on Monday.

“This is like suddenly remembering a long-forgotten memory just as you’re drifting off to sleep.”

While a girl with dyed-brown hair, wearing a tracksuit and holding a crutch, two of her four limbs encased in plaster casts, stood on the court─I couldn’t count her as a “person.”

Since she wasn’t human anymore.

“I figured I’d find you here, Numachi… Kaiki told you, I assume.”

She scowled at this, a rarity for her, and said, “That swindler. He fucking had it all along. And the head, no less, the most important part of all─unbelievable. His policy might be to share only half of what he knows, but he fully intended to deceive me all along. Dammit, was his endgame to snatch all the parts I had collected out from under me? Or was he going to try and turn a profit on the head?”

“More likely the latter, after it reached its peak value─then again, maybe a little bit of both. He could probably maximize his profit by selling an assembled devil to some scholar.”

Something like that.

Either way, I’d found it kind of puzzling that Kaiki would continue his dealings with Numachi for so many years. She may have thought of him as a business associate, but the relationship couldn’t have been terribly important to someone like him, who had such an extensive operation─but this explained everything.

Mixing up a ghost in his quest for profit, though? That was just too greedy.

It did make me feel kind of yucky that I was the only person he was kind to, but…yeah.

He’d hoodwink just about anyone if it was on my behalf─so he’d said.

Then just this once, I’d get on board with that ickiness.

I’d exploit every resource at my disposal.

…Nah, that hackneyed phrase just isn’t for me. After all, if I actually felt that way, it would have been most expedient to rely on my dear senior.

“So Kanbaru. That mummified head, the devil’s head─do you think I can have it?” asked Numachi. From her perspective, it must have seemed like a compromise, like she was cutting me some slack─she was nothing if not a pacifist.

Even at this juncture, she wanted to select a method where we’d both come out unscathed.

I don’t know if that constituted Easy or Normal or what, but it was a possibility. Just as it was plenty possible to avoid a clash, to kick the can down the line, and to leave it to the future to resolve the issue.

She just didn’t think like me, that’s all.

She was right.

She had to be.

But I was also right.

I had to be.

Neither of us was wrong─but when right collided with right, only one could win out.

“Not a chance,” I said. “I don’t want to be cold to my old archrival after she went to all the trouble of coming here to meet me─but I can’t give this to you.”

“Why not?”

“I wonder.” Half of me was genuinely troubled by Numachi’s question. “If I have to give a reason, then how about this: I’m worried that if you finish collecting all the parts of the devil, you’ll turn into the real thing yourself.”

“Play with a devil and you’ll become a devil, is that it? I’m not a weakling, unlike the rest of you.”

“Who knows? I mean, this is the head─the brain, of all things… But no, you won’t, you’re probably right. You’re strong. You don’t need to ask a devil to grant your wishes. If you have a wish, you’ll grant it yourself. So if I have to give a reason─” I tried to weigh my words, but they were too heavy. “I just can’t stand to look at you.”

“Can’t stand to look? That’s fine, just don’t look then.”

She seemed suspicious, and I shook my head.

Sure, totally.

But I can’t help it.

Because I can see you─whether I like it or not.

Whether it’s because we had both possessed pieces of the devil or because I was prey to the sort of unhappiness that made someone turn to Lord Devil for advice, or because we were archrivals back in the day, I can’t say.

But I can see you.

Since I can see you─I can’t stand to look at you.

“I think every event in the world comes down to that feeling,” I said. “I can’t stand to look, I can’t leave it alone, that kind of simple motivation is at the root. Even justice and evil must start out as not being able to stand it─we’re forced to look at things we don’t want to see, and we can’t bear it.”

“…”

“Let’s settle it with a match, Numachi.” I took the paulownia box out of my bag and flourished it at her as I spoke. “This is the showdown. On the court of this gym, one on one. If you win, I’ll give you this piece of our cultural heritage. And if you lose, you’ll give up collecting unhappiness and devil parts─forever.”

“…What the hell? That’s ridiculous,” she said as if it really was ridiculous, and out of the question. As if she wouldn’t even consider it. “There’s nothing in it for me, is there?”

“Sure there is. If you decide to take me up on my offer, at the very least I won’t smash this mummified head to smithereens with a hammer.”

“A hammer… You must be joking.”

“I’m not. As a collector, I don’t see how you can pass this up─but even more than that, if you really were a basketball player, how can you refuse?”

“I warn you…” Numachi narrowed her eyes in a glare that announced she was doing just that. “If that mummified head is on the table, this won’t be fun and games like it was last time. It’ll be an actual match.”

“Yeah? I was sure you were playing your hardest last time.”

“Actual means actually using this devil’s arm and leg─Kanbaru, do you really think that a regular human like you has any chance of beating me?”

“If I didn’t…I wouldn’t play, would I.”

My reply didn’t sound as confident as I would have liked, but I’d mustered as much bravado as I could.

Araragi-senpai would definitely have gone for a bigger bluff.

“So? What’ll it be?”

“I’ll do it,” answered Numachi. “Of course I’ll do it─but there’s something I want to ask you first. There’s clearly something in it for me, you’ve proved your point on that score. But what about you, Kanbaru? What the hell do you get out of this little contest?”

“I already told you. If I win, you’ll give up both of your collections. I can’t do much about the unhappiness side of things, but I’ll take responsibility for disposing of the devil parts you’ve collected so far.”

“Sure, that’s to my detriment─but it isn’t really to your benefit, is it?”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I said, laying the paulownia box on the floor. “Your loss is my gain.”

“Ah… Okay.” Finally grasping the situation, Numachi looked bashful. “You hate me.”

“Exactly,” I nodded. I, too, must have smiled shyly. “Though with a personality like yours, you can’t possibly have thought otherwise.”

“But Kanbaru… With this arm and leg, I can take that box from you regardless of the outcome of our game, no? I can just knock you down and take the devil’s head from you by force, no? Aren’t you─afraid of that?”

“Nope─I’m not afraid.” This time it wasn’t bravado, I was just telling it like it is. “You may be a thief, Numachi, but I don’t think robbery is your thing. You’re not that kind of girl.”

“…”

“At least, that’s what I want to think.”

The you I think is most like you.

As I said this, I started changing my clothes right there on the court.

I didn’t want to take the time to go to the locker room─and it’s not like anyone besides Numachi was watching anyway.

It wasn’t gym clothes that were in my bag─but the commemorative uniform I’d worn in the nationals my freshman year.

It wasn’t a superstitious thing.

I turned my room upside down to find it, out of the extremely realistic expectation that much like using a familiar ball, wearing it would elicit the best possible performance from Basketball Player Suruga Kanbaru.

I also wore the high-tops from my playing days.

Talk about an actual match─that’s how I saw it too.

It couldn’t be more actual.

“You’re so trusting,” Numachi observed. “Leaving the box on the floor like that, getting naked in front of me.”

“I’ve got a bit of an exhibitionist streak.”

“Then─it must have been hellish having to keep your arm hidden for a whole year.”

“Yup,” I readily agreed. I’m not much good at hiding things.

“All right, let’s get this showdown on the road. Once I get my hands on that devil’s head, the rest of the parts will just fall into my lap. As you put it yourself, it’s literally the brains of the operation─”

And so saying, Numachi busted open her casts just as she’d done the other day, revealing what was underneath, the truth of her devil’s body, for all the world to see. Not stopping there, she took off the jacket of her tracksuit so that she was sporting nothing but a Heattech shirt on top.

Ah ha.

Underneath that single layer of cloth─was a hellish sight.

There were pieces of the devil all over her body.

She somehow reminded me of a waxwork, just as her name implied─a poorly made one, in poor taste.

And one more layer down, under the skin─some of her organs almost certainly belonged to the devil as well.

She said she still had less than a third of them, but it looked like over half her body was already composed of devil parts.

Wanting more when she was already in that state went beyond the spirit of a collector, it could only be called the act of an obsessive monomaniac.

Or maybe in the beginning Numachi had been collecting pieces of the devil of her own accord─but now the devil was calling the shots?

Literally become its arms and legs.

Play with a devil and you’ll become a devil.

Numachi, herself, said that she wasn’t such a weakling─but who isn’t one?

If someone told you it would be granted.

Who the hell wouldn’t make a wish?

Anyone who wouldn’t─couldn’t possibly be human. They’d have to be a different order of being entirely.

A god, or a devil.

“Let’s keep it short and sweet, though, not like last time,” Numachi said. “A long, drawn-out game gives me too much of an advantage─in which case, I won’t feel like I actually ‘won.’”

“What, you don’t like having too much of an advantage?”

“It’s not that. I just don’t want you to call the result into question afterwards.”

“Gotcha…then let’s do it this way. Sudden death, with each of us playing to our respective strengths.”

“Sudden death?”

“One on one, one play, with me on offense and you on defense. If I can score a basket, I win, and if you can stop me, you win─like a fifty-meter dash in my old sprinting days, or a penalty kick when you played soccer.”

“That…” Numachi seemed wary and gave it some thought, but after due consideration she said, “still gives me too much of an advantage, doesn’t it?”

Just what you’d expect from the Poison Swamp.

Staggering self-confidence.

However─I had just as much of my own.

“Not at all. I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it was to my advantage.”

“Yeah? Well, if we both think we’ve got the edge, then I don’t see a problem. The sooner we start, the sooner we’re done. I’d feel guilty if we kept holding up practice for all the active players.”

“Listen, Numachi.”

“What now?”

“Do you have qualms about passing on?” I asked as she moved to the free-throw line.

I couldn’t let our match begin without putting that question to her first─but.

But she responded with a “Huh?” and said, “Is that supposed to be some kind of metaphor since I’m turning into a devil? If it is, it’s a pretty crappy one. Shouldn’t you say ‘call up’ or something when you’re talking about a devil? ‘Pass on’ makes it sound like I’m a ghost. Anyway, Kanbaru, can you lend me some shoes? I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not sure I can beat you barefoot. They don’t have to be high tops, regular sneakers are fine.”

“…Sure. Someone’s spares are probably in the locker room, help yourself.”

I can’t even picture the expression I must have had on my face as I said that.

I turned my back to her as fast as I could, so I doubt Numachi saw it, whatever it was─though I don’t think I could hide the fact that my back, my shoulders, my entire body was shaking.

“Okay. This way, right?”

Numachi left the free-throw line where she’d been standing and headed towards the locker room─the moment she was out of sight, my knees buckled under me and I sank to the floor.

Oh, my God.

The possibility hadn’t even crossed my mind.

Roka Numachi─didn’t realize she was dead.

She didn’t know that she was a ghost.

She wasn’t aware that she was an aberration that amassed misfortunes.

She’d forgotten─her own suicide.

“Is that even…possible?”

Well, it was.

When I thought about it, there were lots of old stories about ghosts who didn’t realize that they were dead.

I was desensitized after everything that happened last year─I’d come to accept aberrations as a perfectly normal part of everyday life.

Which they weren’t.

Not for most people.

So─it was no surprise if a lot of them had a hard time accepting the ludicrous proposition that they’d become residents of the afterlife.

By nature of the situation, there was no way to obtain statistical data─but they had to be in the majority.

Nobody.

Wanted to accept that they were dead, or to believe it in the first place.

However mentally tough Numachi was, however above it all, however much she liked to sound enlightened─it didn’t necessarily mean she could accept her own death.

She hadn’t been lying to me.

She really did believe that she was roaming around the country on the money from her insurance settlement, collecting unhappiness─it allowed her to make sense of her experiences.

Which is why she didn’t pass on or anything.

She was collecting unhappiness, gathering up the parts of a devil, like nothing had changed.

“I see… Got it… That’s what I’m about to do.”

This was beyond Hard Mode.

I was about to tell my old archrival that she was already dead─if this were Fist of the North Star I might be able to deliver the line in just the right way and make it sound cool, but here in the real world it would just be cruel.

Still, I’d do it.

And inflict that cruelty.

It was too late to turn back now─I’d already set my course.

If, as a result, I was able to liberate this wandering ghost, trapped in a cycle of unproductive behavior, this ghost with her two pathological collections─then in a certain sense, it might almost be an act of mercy.

But I couldn’t let that make me feel better about it.

That would be unacceptable.

A benevolent end in no way justifies the means─Numachi’s activities happened to help people too, and this was no different.

Benevolence and justice need to be willed, it mustn’t ever be any other way─I wasn’t trying to save her.

Simply put, I could very well have ended up like her─so yeah.

Since I couldn’t stand it.

I wanted to put her down. No more, no less.

“As her former archrival, I want to put an end to her.”

If I didn’t, someone else would.

Time would take care of it, just as it did the problems that high schoolers brought to Numachi. If I left it alone, Mister Oshino─or maybe Kaiki─at any rate, someone would take care of her.

But I was going to be the one to do it.

I wanted to.

I won’t say it felt like my duty, like I had to do it─no, when we really get down to it, it’s probably much simpler than that.

I just wanted to─properly beat the woman.

I wanted to beat Numachi.

I wanted to be sure─that she wasn’t me.

I had to make sure.

“Sorry that took so long. Ready to get started?”

Numachi came back from the locker room wearing a different basketball shoe on each foot─one of the shoes appeared to belong to a boy. She had to find something that fit her devil’s foot, so it was hardly surprising.

It wasn’t just her borrowed basketball shoes, though.

She was unbalanced across the board.

Unnatural.

Unstable.

And so, while I felt like I could find all sorts of reasons why I couldn’t leave her be─more would present themselves the more I thought about it─I only needed one.

Yes.

I wanted a showdown with her.

Despite the fact that I’m not much of a fighter, that’s what I wanted.

That and nothing more.

To settle, once and for all, the winner, the loser.

Either way, I didn’t have the right words to convince Numachi to pass on─I had no message for her.

No words to send her on her way.

All I could do was let my game speak for me.

I gently bounced the ball as I walked at a deliberate pace towards Numachi, who stood on the free-throw line once again.

Every step felt like it took me further and further past the point of no return, but I couldn’t turn back now.

I crouched down in the ready position facing Numachi and held the ball in front of my chest.

“You know, it’s funny, Kanbaru. Back in middle school, people always said we were archrivals. But this is the first time we’ve played a real game against each other.”

“Is it? I feel like I remember playing against each other a million times.”

“We had scrimmages and joint practices, but we never faced off in a regular season game. I played against Higasa’s team─any number of times in fact… But fate is really something, isn’t it. Even playing in the same tournaments, our teams never faced off.”

“I can’t believe it… I somehow felt like we’d spent all of middle school competing… We must have sensed something in each other, and not just because our playing styles were diametrically opposed.”

“But once you graduated, you forgot all about me, didn’t you? You only had eyes for Senjogahara.”

“I definitely forgot. All about you,” I said firmly.

As harshly as I could.

Yet I added firmly, so as to stamp out my massive reservations, to do away with any last hesitation:

“But then I remembered.”

“…”

“I’ll forget all about today as well, and then remember it again somewhere down the line─hey, Numachi. What do you think about the saying, ‘It’s better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it’?”

“That’s just the whining of a whipped dog,” she declared. “Regretting not doing something is obviously better.”

“Right. I think so too. Only some irresponsible third party who hasn’t tasted the remorse of ‘having gone and done it’ would suggest otherwise.”

And yet, I said, my eyes locked on Numachi’s.

“And yet─what’s best is to do something and not regret it.”

Tup.

And with those words─I sprang into action.

To be precise, I tried to spring into action.

Because Numachi was all over me in an instant, covering me with more than enough pressure to keep me hemmed in─I’d barely twitched, but she recognized instantly that play had begun.

I was facing Numachi, no mistake.

At the same time, I felt keenly what a joke our one-on-one the other day had been─it had been child’s play, nothing but an extension of our old scrimmages and joint practices.

This was the big game.

No, it was more than that.

She was giving her devilish power free rein─this was Roka Numachi’s real-deal Quagmire Defense.

A diabolical defense.

“Ugk…”

I hadn’t been taking her lightly, by any means, but this was so overwhelming that all I could do was groan.

Yes.

Numachi wasn’t going to let me get away with anything.

I became keenly aware that the nickname Can’t-Jump Swamp only captured half the truth─it wasn’t just about jumping, she wasn’t going to let me do anything but groan.

She wasn’t going to let me dribble, or shoot.

She was covering me closer than a faceguard, stuck to me so tightly that she reminded me of nothing so much as a sticker.

A particularly sticky sticker stuck onto my bare skin─that might take a piece of me with it, if I could peel it off at all.

Numachi didn’t say a word.

Which was only natural. Nothing to say in the middle of a game─she was playing for keeps, too. With all the tenacity of someone who’s come back from the dead.

Everything she was, everything she had was riding on that defense, while I had nothing to lose, just an itch to scratch─no, scratch that!

I did have something to lose.

If I didn’t beat her, I’d lose─lose sight of what it truly meant to be me.

I refuse─to let you or anyone else manipulate my life.

Besides my momentary groan, we didn’t say a word to each other, but nevertheless we were deep in conversation.

When all is said and done, I guess Numachi and I were both athletes to the core─God, how I do love basketball.

To be able to engage so deeply─with literally anyone.

With someone I can’t stand, with someone I can’t understand, even with someone who’s dead.

“Fhh…”

Exhaling the oxygen from my body, I took two steps away from the basket─however immobilized I may have been, it was only in terms of forward motion. No one can mount a perfect 360-degree defense all by themselves, and in retreating I gave Numachi the slip.

Though it’s probably more accurate to say that she let it slide─and simply didn’t dog me.

At that distance, a basket was no sure thing. I wasn’t a complete novice when it came to three-pointers, but my chances of sinking the shot were drastically reduced.

And I wasn’t about to win on some desperate gamble.

That would be like winning a coin toss─who the hell could be proud of that?!

This was a showdown!

With my old archrival─no!

My current archrival!

And her eyes were asking me─what have you got up your sleeve?

Having taken two steps with the ball, I couldn’t move any further. It’s the first rule that anyone learns in basketball─traveling.

My opponent was an aberration who’d been roving the highways and byways of the entire nation, but traveling would be an unbearable way for our contest to be decided.

In other words, if I wanted to settle things with Numachi once and for all, I had no choice but to break through her defense and drive to the basket.

Yet I’d experienced firsthand the fearsome difficulty level of doing so. To put it plainly, it wasn’t humanly possible to get past Numachi with the ball in your hands. That said, I had no intention of praying to God─much less imploring the Devil─for help.

Forget relying on them.

I have someone else I can rely on right here.

Numachi.

You’re strong.

I’ve never been exposed to such a fierce defense, even at the nationals when I was a freshman.

Sure, you’re borrowing the power of a devil right now─but even without that, you’d probably be among the greatest players in Japan.

The despair you must have felt when you broke your leg─your despair at the enormity of your loss. But I bet it wasn’t the injury itself that you were so broken up about.

You’d probably deny it if I came out and said it.

Either way, it’s difficult to penetrate that Quagmire Defense─with my power alone, that is.

Never forget.

You can’t play basketball by yourself.

“Fhh─”

Though there wasn’t actually a timekeeper, just before the five-second rule was up, I threw the ball.

A Hail Mary buzzer-beater?

No. I wouldn’t stoop to that.

It was a pass.

A chest pass.

It was impossible to get past the Poison Swamp with the ball in your hands. But it was another story entirely if someone else was holding it─

But who? Who would catch my pass?

Who did I pass the ball to─isn’t it obvious? In a one-on-one matchup it’s one against one, so there’s only one other person on the court to whom I could pass the ball.

Yup.

Roka Numachi.

“─?!”

Be you human or devil, your arms react instinctively when a ball comes hurtling towards you.

You catch the damn thing.

I was off at rocket speed before I even knew for sure that Numachi had hold of the ball─I was counting on her to catch my pass.

Sometimes your archrival is more dependable than any teammate.

We were closer than teammates.

That’s what it means to be archrivals.

I disliked her.

I hated her.

But I knew what she was capable of.

I blew past Numachi with every ounce of speed I had─and naturally, I stripped the ball from her hands as I did so.

A steal.

And because this time she was the one holding the ball, Numachi’s movements were dull─I flew past her and took the ball like it was a synchronized dance routine we had worked out.

And then I planted my foot and took off─the ball, which I had only dribbled once, firmly gripped in both hands.

I leapt toward the rim, with only one thing in mind.

I didn’t want to win a contest based on probability.

I wanted a decisive victory.

So forget probability.

I would properly propel the ball through the hoop─with my own two hands!

“Wha-?!”

But in that moment, a cry of consternation escaped my lips─because something occurred that was completely outside any pattern of events that I’d envisioned.

A hand interposed itself between me and the hoop.

Numachi’s hand.

Even as I’d slipped past her, she’d pivoted─and instantly regrouped to get back to defending.

And she blocked me.

But─it was unthinkable! She was the Can’t-Jump Swamp!

Her sluggish movements were her ace in the hole─sounds good, right? But that same lack of agility was also her Achilles heel. It was why Numachi, who excelled so thoroughly at defense, was a mediocre offensive player─she lacked the requisite split-second judgment.

That aspect of her character was also the source, I think, of her patience to put off a problem until it was neutralized─which is why I figured she’d be flustered longer than the average person by my scheme to pass the ball to my opponent.

And I had been right, or should have been, but she rallied instantaneously─how was that even possible?

Was it because she had so much of the devil in her body?

Did that arm and leg enable a drive that was otherwise unfeasible?

That had to be it.

Or maybe not.

Because the hand that Numachi slipped in between the ball and the hoop wasn’t her left hand, it was her right─

“I don’t want─”

She can’t have actually said it out loud. There was no way she had the leeway to speak.

So I couldn’t have heard it.

I must have felt it.

“─to lose!”

“Neither do I!”

At that point it wasn’t a question of skill or strategy.

I shoved the ball through the hoop by brute force─wrapping in Numachi’s right hand.

Our intertwined bodies fell to the court in a tangled heap at just about the same moment the ball hit the floor.

I very nearly landed right on top of Numachi, but at the last instant I was able to thrust out my arms like the poles of a tent and avoid disaster.

This put us in a position that was the exact inverse of when she’d lain atop me─as though this time I’d been the one to push her over.

Perhaps we were even closer to each other now. Yes, at least our faces were.

Listening to the sound of the ball bouncing on the surface of the court, Numachi and I stared into each other’s eyes, our faces separated by only a couple of inches.

Stared into each other’s eyes.

“…keh.”

“Heh.”

“Haha─hahaha.”

“Heheh─hey, hey.”

Numachi lay there chuckling─I was laughing too─and neither of us moved a muscle.

“Didn’t I win the second I had the ball?”

“You didn’t have control of it, so it was still in play.”

“I had control of it.”

“Are you sure? If you did, you wouldn’t have come after me… I was surprised you could.”

“You said dunking felt like cheating.”

“This was do-or-die, I absolutely had to win.”

“Even my own teammates never really passed the ball to me. To get a pass from my opponent…”

“…”

“It feels good, doesn’t it? I guess I’d forgotten. No, I never figured it out in the first place. Basketball really is a team sport─”

I stopped playing. Without ever understanding that─Numachi said and closed her eyes.

I thought maybe she wanted me to kiss her, but well, that couldn’t be it. If we stayed in that position forever though, it was going to get awkward, so I heaved myself up on my arms and then stood.

I hopped to make sure I wasn’t injured from the fall. I’d forced myself into an unnatural position to get the ball into the hoop, so a little bruising was probably inevitable.

“Ahhh.”

Lying there with her legs and arms splayed wide, Numachi sighed deeply.

She looked like she was at peace.

I’m one to talk─it’s an almost embarrassingly fitting metaphor to use here─but she looked like someone who’d been freed from demonic possession.

Wow.

She was─this cute?

I kind of wished I’d kissed her.

“So this is losing. Somehow it feels like the first time I’ve been able to lose properly.”

“Properly?”

“I never understood my life in terms of what the heck I lost to─damn. Forget about exam prep, Kanbaru, and get your ass back on the court. With your talent, you could make it anywhere, not just in some high school club. What are you standing around for? No, in your case─I guess you’re lying down on the job. Life doesn’t have any timeouts, you know.”

“If I’ve gotta hear that from you, I’m doomed,” I said, looking up at the gym ceiling.

Not that there was anything I wanted to look at up there; it was just a simple stretch to make sure my neck didn’t hurt.

“But it doesn’t piss me off so much if I think of it as valuable advice from Lord Devil herself.” I looked back over at Numachi. “Should I come up with some cool parting line too? Hey─”

There was no one there to look at.

No one, but not nothing.

In the spot where Numachi had lain face-up, desiccated body parts that resembled the mummified pieces of a monkey were arrayed like specimens on a dissection table.

Neatly, in a humanoid shape.

“Tsk. For such a slowpoke, she always beats such a hasty retreat─”

I was neither saddened nor surprised.

I simply accepted it─there it was, then.

In the end, did she disappear without ever realizing she was dead─without ever knowing what she was?

I never understood my life.

Those words were suffused with the truth of her experience.

Never understanding her life in terms of what the heck she lost to─but at the very end, she was finally able to lose properly.

I’d helped her lose.

“For my part, though…I don’t really feel like I won properly.”

With Numachi gone, hordes of club members were about to start pouring in (late) to the gym.

I expeditiously packed into a vinyl bag I’d brought the mummy displayed on the court. I’m sure a collector like Numachi would object to the rough handling, but I wasn’t about to pay any mind to some connoisseur’s fastidious bellyaching.

“I guess you aspired to be a team player…but speaking as an expert team player, I aspired to play like you, taking on five opponents all by yourself.”

To be like you: to act freely, regardless of anyone’s opinion, undaunted by their stares.

Everyone longs for an existence different from their own.

To become something other than what they are, to possess what they don’t have.

Different appearance, different character, different environment.

The righteous are jealous of villains, and villains are jealous of the righteous.

That’s humanity for you─we’ll even covet unhappiness, if it belongs to someone else.

Yes.

Now that Numachi was gone.

Having gathered up the collection she’d assembled, I finally realized.

Right. I hadn’t hated her.

“I─envied her.”

With that recognition, I felt like I’d graduated.

From something.