Can’t the two of us heroes be on even footing? The way she said it just now makes it sound like I’m playing second fiddle to her!
“You’re right. We have two heroes, so why not split up? As far as who’ll stay behind to defend the village…I believe Laika and I will be well-suited to the task.”
Wynona laid a hand on Laika’s shoulder as she spoke.
“Huh? You want the two of us to stay here…?” said Laika.
I got the sense Laika was a little uncertain about teaming up with Wynona. It made sense when I stopped to think about it: Out of all the people here, Wynona was the one who Laika knew the least.
“I’m capable of using healing magic, which means I’ll be able to support us to some degree in a battle of attrition. You, meanwhile, are a warrior, which means you have the highest HP out of anyone in our party. It will take more than a few enemies concentrating their attacks upon you to bring you down,” Wynona explained.
I guess that does make sense, actually. Pecora and Beelzebub seemed sold on her logic, as well.
“I think we’re all fine with that,” I said. “But Laika, are you—”
“I have no objections. Please allow me to help!”
Laika’s reply rang out loud and clear.
“I was the one who proposed we save the people here in the first place, and I have neither the right nor the intention to run away from that responsibility! I’ll lay down my life to defend this village!”
Yep, that’s exactly the answer I’d expect from Laika. Plus, from a certain perspective, it finally feels like this game might actually be working as a training program for her followers, like Godly Godness said it would. Having to battle your impulse to abandon a village in need feels like some sort of ascetic training, anyway.
Beelzebub, Pecora, and I set out for the cave, headed straight inside, and beat the boss that awaited us there. It was a tough fight—the boss used every single turn to spam an ability called Song of Lament that did AoE damage to our whole party. The damage wasn’t actually the problem, though. No, the ability’s true potential lay elsewhere.
“No achievements means no work, no work means no achievements! There’s no escape from the spiral of a failure’s fate! ”
The real problem was every single turn, the boss would sing a full, unabridged song. A single attack took about five minutes to resolve…
“Enough! Make it stop! A few seconds would have been more than enough to get the idea across!” Beelzebub finally snapped. She’d ended up curling up in a fetal position on the floor to suffer through yet another of the boss’s ballads.
“But it wouldn’t make sense for listening to a few seconds of music to deal damage, would it? Plus, this seemed like a perfect chance to stage a little concert,” said the boss—who, by the way, was just Kuku wearing a jet-black dress. She cut an imposing figure, I had to admit, but I wished she’d be just a little quicker about her turns…
Anyway, we managed to beat the boss and got ahold of the item that would let us undo the sages’ barrier.
“It’s finally over… That battle took almost forty minutes on its own,” Beelzebub moaned.
“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure the time we wasted on that boss fight won’t get acknowledged by the game’s actual story…”
There was one more item we needed to obtain to get to the sages’ island: a small boat. We traveled back to a craftsman we’d met in a previous town to handle that necessity—the role of the craftsman in question being played by Canimeow the moon spirit.
“I can make you a boat, certainly. However, since I make it a point to only work on nights when the full moon is out, you’ll have to—”
“Hell’s bells, just make it now! We’re in a hurry!”
And just like that, we strong-armed our way into getting a boat immediately.
Having finally finished off all the quests that were keeping us away from the Sages’ island, it wasn’t long before Pecora, Beelzebub, and I safely made landfall on its shore. Waiting there for us were Smarsly, Moryake the asphalt spirit, and Miyu the dryad.
“Well, at least everyone here actually deserves to be called a sage,” I said. It would’ve been less than convincing if the devs had tasked someone weirdly shallow to play the sage role.
“We’ve been waiting for you, brave heroes,” said one of the sages.
Specifically, Smarsly.
Huh?! It talked?!
“You can talk, Smarsly?!”
“Who is this ‘Smarsly’? That seems like a name fit for a slime, which I certainly am not! I’m simply an ordinary human.”
“Okay, I know this is just an act, but really? Really…?”
It’s super hard to take it seriously when a slime tells you it’s a human!
I understood how Smarsly was talking to me after a moment of reflection, though. This was both a dream and a game at the same time, so why not?
“You have made your courage plain to see,” said Smarsly. “Now then—when two heroes present themselves, there’s supposed to be an event where we have them fight each other to demonstrate the true meaning of heroism, but seeing as only one of the heroes has made it here, we’ll be skipping over that bit.”
“So you really were going to pick one of us!”
Apparently, the decision of which of us would come here—which we’d made very casually—had actually been a super important one.
“Now then, we will bestow upon you your ultimate spells and techniques. Use them to put an end to the foul designs of the demon king and the elder god!”
A widow appeared in my field of view with the words “Azusa learned her ultimate spell: Meteormeteor!” written on it. I immediately assumed it was some sort of explosion-based spell. It seemed Beelzebub and Pecora had learned similar abilities, as well.
“So are Moryake and… I mean, are the other two sages going to teach us something, too?” I asked. I figured I should hear them out as well, at least.
“Your stats in this game level up based on the number of times you use each available command in battle,” said Moryake. “Using ‘Defend,’ for instance, levels up your defense stat. However, if you select ‘Defend,’ then cancel that selection immediately and attack or cast a spell instead, the system will still think you defended that turn and give you the associated stat bonus.”
“You definitely taught me something, all right, but that was forbidden knowledge if I’ve ever heard it!”
“Using this technique will allow you to significantly reduce the damage you take from enemy attacks. That said, the moment you input the ‘Defend’ command for the last member in your party, all your selected actions will be locked in, so they won’t be able to take advantage of the exploit.”
I’ll admit that would be very beneficial, but it’s also way too meta, so I’ll just ignore it.
I decided to talk to Miyu next.
“There’s a ring in this game that’s, like, super plot important? So it’s supposed to be marked as an essential item so you can’t sell it or throw it out and all, but one of the devs, like, screwed up and stuff, so you can totes sell it anyway! You won’t be able to beat the game if you do that, so you’ll just have to reset! Watch out, ’kay? It’s, like, such a major drag, omigod!”
“Okay, but wait—if you’re programmed to tell me about that, then doesn’t it mean the devs noticed the bug while the game was still in development? Couldn’t they have, I dunno, fixed it?!”
“Nope-nope! We’re not programmed to say anything—we’re just saying whatever we want! I was just, like, messing around to kill time, so I found that bug myself just a moment ago.”
Okay, so I guess the whole “only saying one thing over and over” thing doesn’t apply to these three.
Just then, Smarsly approached me again.
“Oh, that’s right! I’ve heard tell a nearby village was attacked by monsters. I wonder what’s become of them…?”
Looks like making it to the sages’ island triggered an event!
“Oh no, this is terrible! We should hurry back!” Pecora exclaimed, hopping anxiously as she urged us to get a move on.
“Agreed. We have to go save Laika and Wynona! Once all five of us are back together, we can take the fight to the monstrous army and send them packing!”
Now that we have our ultimate spells, we’ll be able to wipe them out no problem!
“In regard to that matter—we shall provide you our aid,” Moryake said as she stepped over to me.
“So the two of you will help as well? I can’t guarantee any of us will survive the endeavor,” added Smarsly.
“It’s time for us sages to finally take action!” Miyu concluded.
Oh, this must be one of those parts where you get a few temporary party members! Now that’s an exciting turn!
“Plus, now that the barrier’s been dispelled, I would really like to get off this island for a time. Being trapped here for so very long was terribly boring,” said Moryake.
“Wait, the sages couldn’t leave this whole time?! Didn’t you guys put that barrier up yourselves?!”
Miyu waved a hand in the air, denying my assumption. “Nah, that’s not it! It’s just the game was set up to not let us leave. Like, for real, this place has been crazy cramped!”
Can I really trust any magic and abilities from sages like these? Will I be okay the rest of the game…?
In any case, it was time for us to head back to the village…in theory.
“My hero, look! There’s a store over there!”
In practice, we were instantly distracted as Pecora discovered a building on the island. Considering this was a video game, we couldn’t just ignore it. We took a look inside and found a number of shops were set up within.
First up was a shop run by a naga who looked suspiciously like Sorya.
“We sell the ultimate equipment for every class except for hero here,” she said. “If you ever have any spare money on hand, I’d recommend you come look through my wares.”
Yikes, that was close! This was one of those buildings we’d end up really regretting not looking into!
I couldn’t really tell what the next store was supposed to be selling. It was run by a shopkeeper who looked a lot like Canhein the phantom thief.
“Wah-ha-ha! If you find any of the artifacts left behind by Marquis Macosia the Sore Loser that are scattered throughout the world, bring them here! I’ll trade you rare items for every artifact you bring to me!”
“We’re in a dream, and you’re still collecting those things?!”
“Marquis Macosia the Sore Loser’s artifacts are hidden all over the place, after all! You might find one in a vase, or at the bottom of a well. You should make a habit of searching for them, anywhere and everywhere!”
If somebody threw one of those down a well, isn’t that a sign they were treating it like literal trash…? Anyway, we should come back and check this place out again once we’ve dealt with the crisis at hand.
The three of us, plus the three sages, set out together toward the town we knew was being attacked by monsters. We arrived to find there were indeed monsters swarming absolutely everywhere. They really had invaded en masse. That said, we also heard Laika’s battle cries almost immediately.
“Well?! Who’s next?! Come at me, and I’ll cut you down where you stand!”
Laika and Wynona were clearly struggling, but they seemed to have kept the monsters at bay, for the time being.
“Thanks for holding down the fort, you two!” I shouted as we charged in to back them up.
“Lady Azusa! Welcome back! If you’d taken much longer, we might not have lasted!” said Laika. Her expression lit up the moment she realized we’d arrived.
All right, monsters! It’s time for round two!
“You certainly took your time, didn’t you, Sub-Hero?” Wynona grumbled, though even her griping had a distinctly positive ring to it.
“Sorry, but at times like these, help always arrives at the last possible second!” I said. “What’s the situation with the monsters? Is there a boss around?”
If there was a boss present, then the monsters were likely to retreat once we’d taken it out.
“One of the fleeing villagers said something about a commanding officer taking up position in the center of the village,” said Laika. “I was hesitant to gather information at a time like this, but I suppose it was valuable in the end.”
Yeah, that’s RPGs for you. If an NPC has dialogue, it’s definitely in your best interests to listen to it, no matter how dire the situation around you…
Our party went on the offensive, cutting a path toward the invading army’s leader. Godly Godness’s prediction from way back whenever proved true: Our offensive spells had grown so powerful that we were mowing our foes down with ease.
“Let’s do this! Meteormeteor!” I shouted, wiping out a whole group of monsters with a single spell. “Yep, that’s powerful all right! No wonder I can only use it a few times.”
“Your heroic powers are incredible, Elder Sister!” said Pecora. “I’ve gotten some new attack spells, too—I can summon now! Come on out, dragon!”
Pecora chanted her own spell, and a moment later, a blue dragon appeared in the air above her.
Wait a minute. Is that Flatorte?
“I’ll turn you all into icicles!” Flatorte roared. The next thing I knew, she had done just that—the monsters we were facing had been frozen solid.
[Shock Trooper took 2448 damage!]
[Shock Trooper took 2466 damage!]
[Shock Trooper took 2503 damage!]
Once again, the enemy squad was wiped out in the blink of an eye. Flatorte paused for a moment, seemingly pleased with the show of force she’d put on, then vanished.
“Yikes! That’s some overkill, all right,” I said.
“I can’t wait to use it every turn during our next boss fight! ” said Pecora.
We made a beeline for the boss, slowly but surely whittling away at the monsters’ numbers. Between our new spells and the offensive magic of the sages who were fighting alongside us, we ended up reaching the boss with ease.
“Who will it be this time, I wonder? Perhaps Fatla or Vania, presuming we’re to once again fight a familiar face?” Beelzebub speculated.
“I could see that,” I said. “It feels a little early for us to fight the actual demon king or anything on that level, but those two seem like they’d be just the right sort of encounter for this point in the game.”
“If it really does turn out to be them, I shall give them an earful the next time I see them at work.”
“No bringing training dreams into reality! All the others were pretty much press-ganged into this, just like we were!”
The boss, however, did not turn out to be the leviathan sisters after all. Instead, we were confronted by a sprite that bore a distinct resemblance to Nahna Nahna.
“My name is Nahna Nahna, and I was bribed to leave my previous position in the land of the dead and become a commanding officer of this army. I will now proceed to ensure you never get in the way of our plans again.”
I can’t tell how much of that was her sticking to the script, and how much was her ad-libbing!
“What point could there possibly be to attacking a village this petty and insignificant? ’Tis folly! Pull your forces back at once!” shouted Beelzebub.
“I’m afraid that isn’t an option. We will conquer this town, construct a hotel and large-scale commercial facilities selling goods at dirt-cheap prices, and undercut all the local stores, equipment dealers, and inns, driving them to bankruptcy.”
“Stop running your war machine with the power of capitalism!”
Now that’s a monstrous plan if I’ve ever heard one!
“The demon king intends to conquer humanity through military and economic means. I will not allow you to interfere.”
With that, our battle with Nahna Nahna began. Since she was an enemy, of course, the moment the battle started, her sprite grew way bigger—and ended up looking a lot cooler as well. We, on the other hand, stayed in the same cute little mini-sprite form as ever and looked downright weak in comparison. Just another one of those things, I guess.
Nahna Nahna pulled no punches. She came at us mercilessly and was just as tough as you’d expect a boss from the latter half of an RPG to be. Even with the three sages throwing out attacks of their own, it was tough going. Beelzebub had to keep casting healing spells every single turn—otherwise, she never would’ve been able to keep up with the damage Nahna Nahna was putting out.
“Oh, that’s right! I forgot to tell you something important,” said Smarsly. “The members of the party who didn’t come along to visit us sages have had their ultimate spells and skills unlocked, too! There was no way for the developers to know who you’d bring to the island, so they just made it so its effects would apply to everyone.”
Now that’s some top-tier video game logic if I’ve ever heard it! That’s good news for us, though!
“Check to see if you have any new powers, Laika!” I shouted. Most likely, a warrior like her would end up with at least one ability that could deal incredible amounts of single-target damage.
“I do, Lady Azusa! I’ll use it now!”
Laika leapt into the air and swung her sword in a downward arc, plunging toward Nahna Nahna.
[Oneshot Strike! Nahna Nahna takes 6296 damage!]
Yikes! That was one heck of an attack, all right!
“You’ve outdone yourself, Hero and her companions. I admit defeat,” Nahna Nahna said before tossing a sack of gold coins toward us. “This is the money you get for beating me. Good day to you.”
And just like that, Nahna Nahna vanished into thin air. We’d beat her…apparently? I had a lot of questions about that sequence of events, really, but for the time being, we’d got rid of the boss and saved the village!
“All right, we did it! This plan was a huge success!”
All of us gathered together to celebrate our victory. It had been a pretty tough event, but we’d overcome it in the end. And, now that the danger had passed, Smarsly the sage had another vital piece of information to share with us.
“A passageway to the demon king’s world lies on an island surrounded by rocky mountains, where no humans dwell. You must go there, travel to the demon king’s world, defeat the demon king’s four generals, and finally cast down the demon king! Once the deed is done, the elder god is sure to reveal itself!”
Considering how painfully expository that was, I’m guessing it came straight out of the game’s script…
We were finally nearing the story’s climax. I had a feeling we were about to be in for a boss rush.
“The demon king’s invasion is steadily advancing. Stop them, brave heroes, whatever it takes!”
You know, I’m starting to get used to Smarsly talking like this.
“We would love to come along with you, but I’m afraid my back pains me terribly. We’ll have to say goodbye here.”
Does Smarsly even have a back?
Before anything else, our party stopped at a nearby store to stock up on items.
“Incidentally, who do you suppose this world’s demon king is? We can say with confidence it’s not our demon king, at the very least,” Beelzebub mused as she glanced over at Pecora.
“I’ve been wondering that myself,” I said. “It seems pretty likely all the other bosses we run into from now on will be played by people we know, too.”
“Not that it matters a whit who stands in our path, of course. Also, let us purchase as many full health restoration potions as we can, so I can minimize my use of healing magic. With them in hand, we shall storm this so-called demon king’s citadel and give them the drubbing they deserve!”
Beelzebub had started displaying some serious motivation lately. That said, it wasn’t that she was getting into character, per se. It felt more like motivation to beat the game than motivation to save the world. Then again, this was very literally a game, so what right did I have to judge her for enjoying it in her own way? If anything, Pecora was a much stranger case in how much she was getting into character.
“The sages spoke of the demon king’s invasion sweeping the lands, but we’re the ones who are now invading the demon king’s territory, and they’re on the defensive. ’Tis a flagrant contradiction, and yet I find myself more and more willing to overlook such lapses of logic,” Beelzebub noted.
“Well, we’re going on the offensive with just five people, right? Maybe they’re keeping up the invasion in the background, and the enemies we fight in their stronghold are just their defending troops? That’d make sense, right? It’s not like we’re dealing with full-blown clashing armies or anything.”
“Hmph… Perhaps. Regardless, I shall ensure we are healed to perfection.”
When we actually purchased the healing potions Beelzebub had wanted, however, her expression suddenly stiffened.
“Well. It would seem the demon king’s invasion really is steadily progressing after all,” Beelzebub said, gesturing at one of the potion’s labels. I gave it a read.
Demon King’s Seal of Quality
“They’re beating us on the economic front!” So Nahna Nahna was actually being serious about all that stuff…?
“T’would seem we really do need to defeat the demon king as soon as possible, then,” Beelzebub muttered. We still needed healing potions, though, so we bought about twenty.
We decided to take some time to finalize our preparations before setting out. To start, we went back to Sorya’s store on the sages’ island and used all the funds we’d amassed to buy the ultimate equipment for everyone except our two heroes. Laika’s new sword made a huge difference, and her attack stat shot up dramatically.
We also spared a moment to fly all across the overworld on Momma Yufufu’s dragon form, visiting all the places we hadn’t been to yet.
“Ah! Do you see that ring of mountains surrounding a suspiciously unnaturally placed forest? Please land by it,” said Wynona. She was pretty sharp-eyed and had apparently spotted something.
“’Tis but a perfectly ordinary forest, as far as I can see,” said Beelzebub.
“A featureless forest in an unnaturally isolated location is suspicious in and of itself. There must be something there!” Wynona countered.
We touched down at her insistence and quickly found she was right: There really was something there. The moment we entered the forest, we found ourselves in a wooded area with a little hut smack-dab in its center.
“This has gotta be a hidden area, right? I had no idea,” I said.
We stepped into the hut where we found a sprite that looked an awful lot like Wizly.
“Oh my, oh my! So you’ve found me,” Wizly said as we entered her abode.
Oh, that makes sense. The real Wizly uses magic to hide her workshop in a secluded region, too, after all.
“Welcome to my secret hermitage,” Wizly continued. “You’ll be glad to hear I have wonderful news for you! Deep within these woods dwells a spirit who possesses the hero’s ultimate equipment!”
Never thought my ultimate gear would be hidden in some random forest! This is a stroke of luck, though. I’ll feel better going into the endgame with my ultimate gear on my side.
I had, however, forgotten a crucial detail.
“Oh, good,” said Wynona. “That means I’ll have equipment befitting my position as the hero.”
Ah. Right. We’re a two-hero party…
Wynona seemed to pick up on that little issue just a moment after I did and glanced over at me. “Oh… Well, seeing as I’m the one who discovered this place, I’ll be taking the ultimate equipment for myself. I’m sure you understand,” she said.
“All right, all right,” I sighed. “This is all thanks to you, so you have first dibs on the gear.”
It’s not like we’ll get anywhere by fighting over it. Better to give up now and let her have her way.
“Oh, also, the hero’s ultimate equipment consists of a sword and armor that come as a set! Be sure to equip both,” Wizly added.
“Understood, O wise hermit. I’ll be sure to do that!”
Wynona getting an upgrade would mean our party’s overall power level would rise, so I decided to view this as a net positive.
We set out at once, making for the center of the forest where the spirit was said to live. Eventually, we arrived at a clearing that was home to a strangely large slime, roughly the size of a Mongolian yurt.
Oh, that must be the Great Slime.
The Great Slime was a slime spirit formed from the thoughts of slimes all over the world. It had also been Falfa and Shalsha’s caretaker, back before we’d met.
“You’ve done well to reach me, heroes. I am the Great Slime, a being made up of the wills of good slimes everywhere,” said the Great Slime. “I shall now grant you the ultimate arms and armor that will enable you to strike down the demon king and the elder god: the 100% Slime Armor and the 100% Slime Sword.”
“Those are both extremely outlandish names, but I would be happy to receive them!” Wynona enthusiastically replied. Who wouldn’t be excited about receiving their ultimate gear, really?
“Well then, I’ll make use of them right away! I won’t be needing my old weapon or armor anymore!”
Wynona equipped her ultimate gear, which turned out to be a sword and suit of armor made from what looked like solidified water. Needless to say, a suit of armor made of solid water had one very distinctive trait: It was completely see-through.
“Eeeeeek! What in the world is this gear?! My undergarments are completely exposed! This is terrible!”
“The 100% Slime Armor was made from the spirits of slimes with pure, untainted hearts. Its exceptional translucence is a sign of the quality of its materials,” said the Great Slime.
“Well, then you can keep it! I’ll use my old gear!” Wynona declared, switching back to her original armor without wasting a moment. If this was really just a game, then having your characters wear see-through armor wouldn’t be a problem at all, but when you were the one equipping it, it was a whole different question…
Pecora picked up the slime set and carried it over to me.
“How about some ultimate gear, O mighty hero?”
“Absolutely not!”
At long last, our party proceeded into the monsters’ world. It ended up being about what I expected it to be: one of those creepy, uncanny zones every game seemed to feature at some point. I strongly suspected only monsters would want to live in a place like this.
It turned out the demon king’s four generals were all holed up in caves or towers, each of which was located in one of the cardinal directions. Our task was to visit them in sequence, defeat the generals within, and then finally storm the demon king’s castle.
“We’ll be going from one boss battle to another from now on, most likely, so be ready for a real gauntlet,” I said. Judging by the story so far, we’d be fighting the elder god immediately after beating the demon king.
“We sure will, but there’s something else I’m more worried about,” Pecora said with a look of concern on her face.
“What is it? Don’t just keep it to yourself,” I said.
“We never found any sign whatsoever of my missing elder brother!”
“Now that you mention it…!”
“It’s totally unthinkable the story would end without him ever showing up,” said Pecora. “Do you think he’s become the demon king, maybe?”
“I can’t rule it out, honestly…”
Having an older brother or former teammate turn up as an enemy’s a classic plot twist, after all.
In the end, we had no choice but to delve into the first cave without solving the mystery of Pecora’s brother. The enemies within were tough, but our ultimate spells and techniques were powerful enough to swat them like flies. By making ample use of magic recovery items, we were able to make a beeline for the cave’s deepest point with ease.
“All right, then—who’s gonna be the first of the demon king’s four generals? Whoever it is, we’ll wipe the floor with them!” I said. I was feeling pretty hyped up for the battle to come. We’d been playing this game for quite a long time, and I have to admit I’d gotten rather wrapped up in it.
We stepped into a wide-open room in the cave’s depths—the sort of room where a boss was sure to lie in wait—and found…Falfa and Shalsha!
“We’re the first of the demon king’s four generals, Falfa and Shalsha! We’ll take you heroes down!” said Falfa.
“Shalsha agrees. You’ll never see the other three generals, because this cavern will be your grave.”
Aww, look at them! Those outfits make them look just like top executives in a demon king’s army! It suits them so well! Then again, Falfa and Shalsha look amazing in just about any outfit!
There was, however, one element of this scenario that didn’t quite make sense to me.
“So hey, you two—how many generals does the demon king really have, in the end? Do both of you share the same position?”
In that case, wouldn’t they technically be the demon king’s five generals?
“Falfa and Shalsha are being treated as just one general together,” said Falfa.
“Two of us means twice the fun,” said Shalsha. “But it causes some friction, too. Whenever we get treats, we have to split them and only get half as much as we should each.”
You didn’t have to tell us the downsides of the arrangement, Shalsha! It’s fine to skip that part!
Anyway, I’d found myself in something of a dilemma.
“I don’t want to fight you two! Why’d you have to get cast as the demon king’s generals?! This training program is the worst!”
I sheathed my sword on the spot.
“Hmm—fighting my girls may be beyond me, as well…”
And Beelzebub took a step backward, too!
“Hold up—don’t call them your girls! And don’t you dare try to use not wanting to fight them as a chance to play yourself up as their mother!”
“How dare that dastardly demon king! Making a mother fight her daughters is a monstrous thing to do!”
“Stop it! I’ll smack you down with one of my spells if you don’t cut that out right now, so help me!”
Suddenly, the boss fight was the last thing on our minds.
“Falfa didn’t even cast confusion magic on them, and they’re fighting each other anyway!”
“Their lack of teamwork is astonishing. Shalsha wonders how they made it this far.”
And now Falfa and Shalsha are disappointed in us! There’s no solidarity in this party at all, is there?
“We’ve no choice! The three of us who remain will overcome this trial on our own! This is not reality! Endure, and push through!” Laika shouted. She was clearly resolved, but it wasn’t going to be quite that easy.
Wynona tossed her sword to the ground.
“I could never possibly turn my blade against my sisters. I choose to admit defeat!”
“Could it be running into Falfa and Shalsha is all it takes to put this party in checkmate?!”
Looks like Laika’s finally caught on to our greatest weakness.
Even Pecora muttered, “Well, this isn’t happening,” and raised her hands in a gesture of defeat. She and Laika didn’t seem as opposed to fighting my daughters as the rest of us were, but they weren’t exactly excited about it, either, and they certainly weren’t about to carry the fight on their own.
“Come on, try it! Come at us with everything you have! ”
“To hold back against us would be gravely impolite. You must meet all challengers with your full ability.”
Our foes, on the other hand, were as motivated as could be.
What am I even supposed to do here? The battle hasn’t started, and we’ve already been driven to the brink! Maybe I should just let us get wiped out once, then revisit this whole mess from the top…?
Just then, however, an unexpected visitor flew onto the scene!
“Pecora! Everyone! You can’t give up now!”
Wait, that sprite—isn’t that Rosalie?!
Rosalie flew straight into Falfa and Shalsha, plowing into them and knocking them—plus herself—to the floor in a heap.
“Heh! Looks like I’m taking you two with me,” Rosalie muttered.
“Aww, we lost! ” said Falfa.
“What a shame,” said Shalsha. “However, you’ll never foil the demon king’s plans.”
The whole thing was very anticlimactic, but apparently, Rosalie had sacrificed herself to take down the demon king’s general. I had to wonder, though: Just who was Rosalie supposed to be? That was the first time we’d seen her throughout the whole game—we hadn’t even met.
That’s when Pecora sprinted over to Rosalie’s side.
“It’s you! You’re my elder brother, aren’t you?!”
Oh! So this is where that part of Pecora’s backstory’s coming into play!
“That’s right, Pecora,” said Rosalie. “Your brother’s been fighting the demon king this whole time!”
“Brother, you’re alive! I’m so moved…,” said Pecora. She was so into her role she’d actually started crying.
Kinda confusing to have her still-living brother be played by a ghost, though!
“I’m glad I got to see your face one last time before the end…but this is it. It’s time for us to say goodbye,” said Rosalie.
“Brother, no! You can’t die!”
Again, the fact she’s already dead is making this really hard to follow!
Rosalie, Falfa, and Shalsha started flashing for a moment, then blinked out of existence.
“I swear to you, elder brother: I’ll defeat the demon king and the elder god, and bring peace to the world in your stead!” Pecora said, fist clenched tightly with a powerful resolve.
Beelzebub clapped a hand on my shoulder, then leaned in to whisper in my ear.
“If her brother was fighting the demon king this whole time, then why hadn’t he managed to defeat a single boss up until now? The sages would have said something about him if he had, but they didn’t so much as mention him.”
“Nitpicking the little details here is a losing battle…though considering how many little details there are to nitpick, I guess I can’t blame you.”
The fact that Pecora was the only person throwing herself into her role just made all the inconsistencies stand out even more.
We made it to the second of the four generals with ease. This time, we found ourselves facing off against Fighsly.
“Heh-heh-heh! You humans have no idea how to provide the sort of service that keeps customers coming back time after time. That’s why you’ll never defeat the demon lord!”
Fighsly spent a while rambling about business and finance until Beelzebub the cleric cast an instant death spell, oneshotting her and winning the battle.
The third of the four generals was Misjantie.
“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Let me guess: You’re the sort of heroes who’re always talking about love and peace, aren’t you, man?! Well, that’s not good enough! You need love, peace, and money to save the world! If you don’t have money, then all the good vibes you pour into your quest are bogus, man!”
Okay, these generals are definitely going way off script!
Anyway, Misjantie turned out to have a critical weakness to fire magic, so we beat her easily.
The last of the four generals was the Witch of the Grotto, Eno.
“I intend to overthrow the demon king and claim the throne for myself. I’ll seize the foundations the demon king has built up and turn them into something truly spectacular. The idea that the title of demon king must be handed down in the same family for generations on end has no place in the modern era!”
I know having one of the demon king’s executives turn traitor is a whole trope, but this doesn’t feel quite right to me!
Eno proved highly resistant to magical attacks, so we just beat her up instead. Beelzebub had our healing totally locked down, so we were more or less back to full health the instant Eno dealt any damage to us.
“Battles are a joke if you know you’ll be able to stop at an inn and fully recover afterwards! I can use all the magic I want without a care in the world!” Beelzebub declared after it was over.
Yeah, it really is nice we don’t have to worry about conserving MP in these boss fights. Eno had taken a bit longer to beat than the other generals, but it still hadn’t been a struggle by any means. In fact, Laika’s ultimate skill had proven so overpowered, it could take out one of the generals in five or six hits on its own.
“Ugh… How could I lose…?” said Eno. “Well, fine… If your goal is to defeat the demon king, then do it. I can work with that…”
Can you? Can you, really?
Once our battle with Eno was over, the ground started shaking so violently, I wondered if it was an earthquake.
“Huh? What’s going on?!” I yelped.
“Now that we four generals have been defeated, the barrier protecting the demon king’s castle has been dispelled. We’re feeling the aftershock,” Eno explained. “I do hope you’ll defeat the demon king in my place…”
All right, this game’s climax feels like it’s right around the corner now! We’ve got a demon king to take down!
The route through the demon king’s castle ended up being really complex, and getting to the end took quite some time, but we steadily made our way through the map. Of course, the fact that our overly cautious healer insisted we return to fully heal in town after every single floor certainly didn’t speed the process up. Our expedition ended up taking several trips as a result…
“Okay, but seriously, why bother going back? We still have plenty of resources!”
“Too many resources is just the right amount. When you push yourself to your limits without caution, ’tis only a matter of time before disaster strikes and ruins you! I’ve seen many a governmental agency travel that path! Every bit of insurance you can give yourself is worth it!”
In the end, the burdens Beelzebub bore as a government official were too weighty for my commoner’s mind to deal with, and I gave in to her way of doing things. Our victory was assured as a result, of course, but the pacing of our adventure dragged like nothing else…
Finally, on our fifth expedition into the demon king’s castle, we arrived at a vast chamber that seemed like the exact sort of room where the demon king would finally take to the stage. The one slight problem: The room was totally empty. There was, however, a single door at its far end.
“’Tis all but certain the demon king lies just ahead,” Beelzebub said as she took inventory of the sack we kept all our items in. If we wanted to heal before the battle, this room would be the place to do it. There was a real chance we’d be forced into combat the second we stepped through the door.
“Agreed,” I said. “I wonder what sort of person ended up in the demon king role, though?”
“Seeing as they’re a demon king, I sure hope it’s someone with poise and dignity! ” said Pecora. She’d never struck me as the poised and dignified type herself, but I could see why she’d want a fictional demon king to live up to the image.
“Um, excuse me, everyone,” said Laika, who seemed to have noticed something. “It would seem that part of the wall over there is made of glass…and there’s something just beyond it.”
Oh—maybe this is one of those things where you can get a hidden item by investigating a wall?
On closer inspection, Laika was right. A portion of the wall, roughly at eye level, seemed to have been made into something of a display window. A row of items—the sort you could buy in most stores—was lined up behind the pane of glass.
“Can we really buy stuff here? I mean, I’m not complaining if we can,” I said.
On a closer look, however, I found a line of text written in one of the window’s corners.
Bringing you the power you need, now and forevermore: The items that have earned the demon king’s seal of quality!
“It’s like the samples you’d find at a company’s corporate headquarters!” I moaned, clutching my head. This world’s demon king was operating under a terrible misunderstanding of what demon kings were supposed to do.
“Look at the writing over there, Step-Hero. It says, ‘Our products outdo items from the human lands in price and quality! The demon king’s seal of quality: a guarantee you can always count on!’…”
That’s great, Wynona, and I’m sure it must have you pretty distracted, because you just accidentally called me something that felt really rude…
I had a funny feeling I knew who the demon king would be. We stepped through the door at the back of the room, and there she was: a sprite I assumed to be Halkara wearing a pair of weird horns. I say “assumed” because between the horns and the graphical style, it was honestly a little hard to tell for sure.
“So you’ve all finally made it here! I’m the demon king, Halkara!”
“Yep. I had a feeling it’d be you.”
Halkara the demon king started pacing back and forth in front of us, like a bear in a cage. Apparently, it was hard for her to monologue while she was standing still.
“I heard the demon king’s job was to conquer the world, so I decided to work toward that goal using my own methods. I’ve spread my mark far and wide across the human lands—in the form of the demon king’s mark of quality that’s attached to the products the humans buy!”
Honestly, at this point, I’m not sure if we even need to bother defeating her…
“Oh, that’s right! Here, have this,” Halkara added before passing out business cards to each of us in order. I’d seen her give one of those to Nosonia in the past, so this was pretty much business as usual for her, but I really wished she’d skipped over that part during our big confrontation scene, at least. “It’s really impressive that you made it here at all! I can’t offer to make you the general manager of half the world, but I can at least make you the general manager of a single country if you agree to surrender to me! How about it?”
She’s trying to recruit us now?!
Pecora took one step toward Halkara, then another. A wizard like her getting into close combat was dangerous, even when she wasn’t doing it with the literal demon king, but she approached her all the same.
Is she actually going to take Halkara up on her offer, maybe…?
“Oh, Halkara? ” Pecora said with a smile. It looked just like her usual smiles, on a surface level, but there was something weirdly menacing about it this time.
“I’d like you to take your role as the demon king seriously, okay? If you keep making this weird, then a real demon king—you know, me—might decide to give you a crash course in how it’s done! ”
“Ah! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please allow me to battle you now, like I’m supposed to!” Halkara babbled. She must have sensed how much trouble she’d almost gotten herself in. Messing around when you were supposed to be playing a character was, it seemed, something Pecora did not take kindly to.
“Oh? You’re sorry? That’s weird, isn’t it? The demon king is supposed to be haughty and arrogant! It doesn’t seem to me like you’re taking this seriously at all!”
“I’m so, so sorry! I’ll do better! I… Oh. I’m not supposed to apologize, right… But I can’t be rude to a genuine demon king, either! What should I do?! Help me, Mistress Teacher!”
“Stop asking the hero for help, to start!” I shouted back.
“Exactly! A demon king would never ask the hero for help, so you shouldn’t, either! You really should get your act together, or I might have to make you deeply regret it, you know?”
Pecora got mad, Halkara freaked out, and then Halkara’s freak-out made Pecora even madder. Oh no, we’re stuck in an infinite loop!
“Agh, that’s it!” Halkara wailed. “It’s time for our battle! We’re fighting now!”
Our showdown with the demon king had finally begun. Our foe swapped over to the larger sprite that represented her in battle—and now that I could see her design more clearly, I realized her outfit wasn’t exactly modest.
“Um, Miss Halkara…? Covering yourself exclusively with a few strips of fluttering fabric is rather indecent…”
Laika blushed beet red and averted her eyes.
Yep, that’s a thing that happens all the time with late-game RPG bosses! For some reason, lots of them decide to fight you mostly in the nude!
“Aaaaah!” Halkara shrieked. “I had no idea I was wearing this, either! Please, just think of it as a swimsuit, or something…”
Halkara seemed just as shocked by her clothing as Laika was. On reflection, it made sense she wouldn’t have seen her battle sprite before, either. It’s not like she would’ve battled any of her subordinates, after all.
The fight itself, however, proceeded a lot more normally than I’d expected it to. There was one sort of questionable bit where, after she struck a nasty blow against us, the text “When you’re wounded, try a demon king–endorsed full recovery potion! It’ll carry you through even the most drawn-out battle of attrition!” showed up on-screen and she actually healed us… But then Pecora unleashed a terrifying barrage of incredibly powerful spells at her.
“You know, I just despise people who don’t take games seriously! ” Pecora said with another of those smiles that told you she was actually really, really upset…
“I-I’m sorry! I just can’t help but let my real personality shine through from time to time…”
“Why are you apologizing? Demon kings don’t apologize, do they?”
Once again, Halkara and Pecora were caught in their endless loop of apology and apology-induced fury. To make a long story short, the battle finally ended with Wynona using the ultimate sword technique she’d gained thanks to the sages’ event to finish Halkara off, and her battle sprite was sent packing.
“Ugh. I knew the heroes would be tough…,” Halkara groaned. It was kind of hard to tell, since her normal sprite was so small and distorted, but I was pretty sure she was lying face-down on the ground. “But in the end, I was only doing the elder god’s bidding. Unless you defeat it as well, this world will never again know true peace!”
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