Inou-Battle wa Nichijou-kei no Naka de - Volume 4 - Chapter 4

Chapter 4: A Hero, but at Times, a Demon Lord

Truly regrettable though it was, the interview that was to serve as Andou’s club admission test had ended prematurely after I’d failed to hold back a fit of laughter and fled the room. It was an outright mistake on my part, plain and simple, and after a lapse like that, I no longer had any grounds to deny his entry into the club. I had lost by default, essentially.

Part of me had to wonder—was that his goal from the very beginning? Had he intentionally written his resume to be so gut-bustingly hilarious that I’d cackle my way out of the equation, like it or not? As I spent more and more time with him in our club, however, those suspicions rapidly faded. Soon, there was no doubt in my mind that Andou had written his resume completely earnestly.

In short: I came to understand that Andou Jurai had the worst case of chuunibyou I’d ever been exposed to.

“Y’know, you’re really awesome, Sayumi!” Andou exclaimed out of the blue one day. This was some time after I’d given in and allowed him to join, and also after Miss Satomi had introduced Chifuyu to us. Our whole club of five had finally been assembled, though on that particular day, the other three had been held up by their own various circumstances, leaving me and Andou in the club room with only each other for company.

“What do you mean by that?” I replied, a little skeptically.

“Y’know, the way you’re using that calculator!” he said, pointing at the device on the table before me. I was in the middle of working through the club’s budget. We’d never even appointed a vice president, let alone a club treasurer, so that sort of miscellaneous accounting fell upon the president’s head—that being mine. “I can’t believe you can use the calculator with your left hand and write with your right hand at the same time!” Andou continued.

“Anyone can learn to do that with enough practice,” I replied. “It’s a necessary skill for people who work in bookkeeping or accounting.”

“Right, and I’m saying that it’s really awesome that you’ve already mastered a skill that bookkeepers and accountants need!”

“I’m left-handed to begin with, so this is hardly anything new to me,” I said with a shrug. “I can do it the other way around easily enough as well. Watch,” I added, swapping the calculator and notepad with each other as I continued with my task.

“Ooh, dang! That’s so cool!” Andou exclaimed in admiration. I’d felt a little proud of the skill at first, but the more he praised me, the more I started feeling slightly bashful instead. “Wait, though—if you were born a southpaw, then does that mean you had to force yourself to learn to use your right hand?”

“I did, yes. Being left-handed has its fair share of inconveniences, after all.”

“Hmm...isn’t society supposed to be getting more accommodating for left-handed people these days?” asked Andou. “Like, they sell scissors for lefties all over the place now, and being left-handed’s supposed to give you an advantage in sports!”

“Perhaps,” I conceded, “but my grandmother was a very strict woman. She made sure that I learned to use my right hand when I was very young. I’m grateful she did, of course, looking back on it.”

Society may have been moving toward accommodating left-handed people, but the way I saw it, there had to be a limit to how far that could go. I could list examples for days, but the first one that sprang to mind was the Japanese writing system. Most Japanese characters were meant to be written with one’s right hand.

“You said that being left-handed gives you an advantage in sports, but in my view, that’s a very case-by-case matter,” I continued. “Take baseball, for instance—being left-handed may be considered a merit for a pitcher or when batting, but one could also consider it an even larger demerit in the sense that it restricts the number of positions you can play.”

“It does what, now? Huh? You mean, like, left-handed people can’t play some baseball positions?”

“Left-handed players are considered unsuitable for any infield position other than first base, on account of the fact that they can’t throw to first as quickly as a right-handed person. Conventionally speaking, they’re also considered unfit to play as catchers.”

That, of course, was all a matter of being fit or suitable to play a position. There was nothing that made it impossible for a left-handed person to fill any of those roles. Nevertheless, if you look at any league above a high school level, you’ll find very few left-handed players are ever assigned to play second or third base, shortstop, or catcher.

“Hmm,” mumbled Andou. It didn’t seem like he’d been totally satisfied by my explanation. “That’s weird, though. Power Pros lets you make lefties into shortstops or catchers or whatever no problem.”

“That might have been relevant to the conversation if we were discussing that game, which we aren’t.”

“Mr. Fullswing had Tomaru play second base too.”

“And that might have been relevant to the conversation if we were discussing that manga, which we aren’t.”

“Okay, but the way you’re describing your whole deal makes you sound less like you’re a southpaw and more like you’re ambidextrous! That’s even more amazing!”

“It’s not as impressive as you’re making it out to be. My ambidexterity is far from flawless. Thanks to my grandmother’s intervention, I’m more proficient at writing and eating with chopsticks using my right hand, but when playing most sports, using my left hand is much easier. I would say that what I have is closer to cross-dominance than ambidexterity,” I casually added.

“C-Cross-dominance?!” Andou exclaimed, suddenly leaning across the table toward me. His eyes were wide and practically aglow with excitement. The reaction was so outside my expectations, I was taken aback.

“Y-Yes,” I replied, “that’s what I said. Is there a problem?”

“Cross-dominance,” Andou muttered to himself. “Cross-dominance... Wh-What the heck?! That word’s so friggin’ cool! Is that a perfect special move name, or what?!”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Apparently, the term was “cool” in a way that somehow resonated with him. This boy is a never-ending mystery.

“Cross-dominance refers to a condition where a person’s dominant hand varies from task to task,” I explained. “It’s also sometimes called mixed-handedness.”

Andou, however, had long since departed on a journey to his own little world. He was staring at me with a look of undisguised envy in his eyes. “That’s awesome... You’re hella cool, Sayumi! I wish I could be cross-dominant too...”

“Do you? From my perspective, mixed-handedness is nothing more than a sign that you failed at an attempt to become truly ambidextrous. There’s nothing exciting about using one hand for some things and the other hand for others.”

“Nope, nuh-uh, cross-dominance is a billion times cooler! Being ambidextrous or being a switch hitter has nothing on it!”

“You mean...in terms of the word itself?” I asked, but Andou wasn’t listening again.

“Man, I’m so jealous... I wish I could just be going about my day like usual, then casually swap dominant hands and be all ‘Oh, this? Yeah, I’m cross-dominant’!”

Once again, I was speechless. It was the strangest thing—I had just casually used my left hand for a task and explained that it was thanks to my cross-dominance, and suddenly, I felt embarrassed beyond all conceivable measure for having done so. I hadn’t been trying to brag or show off at all, but that did nothing to assuage the shame.

Then again, I must admit that it didn’t feel terrible to be the subject of someone’s envy...more or less. I also must admit that his reactions were, frankly, incredibly entertaining.

“I’d like to change the subject for a moment, Andou,” I said.

“Huh? What to?”

“In Japanese, we have a particular word for especially tall high-rise buildings. I imagine you might not be aware, however, that the Japanese word originated as a translation of an English term. Can you guess what that English term is?”

Andou shrugged. “No clue.”

“The answer is ‘skyscraper.’”

“Sk-Skyscraper?!”

“And do you know what that English word means?” I proceeded to translate the word’s literal meaning into Japanese, and once again, Andou’s eyes lit up with excitement—exactly like I had hoped they would. Actually, his reaction was even more exaggerated this time than I’d anticipated. He was practically trembling with joy.

“How...?” he mumbled. “How could any language have a word for high-rises that’s that friggin’ cool...? I always thought that there could be a cooler word for those things—like calling them ‘heavenly pillars’ instead, or something—but I never really paid much mind to it...”

The Japanese word for skyscraper was, as I’d noted earlier, a more or less direct but condensed translation. Somehow, though, when I said “skyscraper” in English, it seemed to tickle Andou’s fancy like nothing else.

“Skyscraper...” he murmured rapturously. “Dang, that’s cool. It’s already perfect. Couldn’t possibly be improved on. You could use it as the name for a final boss’s ultimate attack, and I wouldn’t even blink! To think a word like that was out there in the natural world, just waiting to be discovered...”

It was frankly hysterical how quickly his mood swung from joy at having learned the word to regret at having not come across it sooner. I simply couldn’t help but smile as I watched him go about his antics.

He’s just so, well...so cute, somehow.

I had to imagine that if I’d had a younger brother, my relationship with him might have been something like my relationship with Andou. Meanwhile, as I was pondering that scenario, Andou had pulled out a black notebook from his schoolbag and started intently scribbling away in it. I recognized it—it was, as Tomoyo had so aptly put it, his cringe compilation.

Personally, I didn’t exactly judge him for his writing itself. Just about everyone had something similar, I imagined. I wouldn’t go so far as to call mine cringey per se, but I certainly had a notebook or two that I had no intention of ever showing anyone else.

Therein lay the difference, really. I couldn’t possibly bring myself to understand why he would go so far out of his way to show his off at every opportunity. My best guess was that he thought that scribbling away in a mysterious, ominous notebook made him look cool, and he was trying to sell everyone else on that misconception. If Andou ever came into possession of a Death Note, I could say with absolute certainty that he’d be apprehended by the police before the day was over.

“Oh, right! Hey, Sayumi?” said Andou, pausing to look up from his notebook. “How’s ‘Bible’ spelled in English again?”

“As in, the Bible? The Christian holy book?”

“Yeah, that,” Andou confirmed.

I didn’t know why he wanted to know how to spell “Bible”...but then again, I also hardly needed to ask. I could think of a plethora of ways he might’ve intended to use that knowledge. The most likely by far was that he planned to use it to decorate the front cover of his notebook, where he’d already written “Crimson Scripture” in Japanese.

Needless to say, I did know how to spell “Bible” properly. For a moment, I considered teaching him the correct spelling as well...but then, an irresistibly intense urge to play a prank on him came over me.

“Uh, Sayumi? Do you not know either, or something?” asked Andou.

“Oh, no, of course I do!” I replied, focusing every ounce of my willpower into resisting the urge to crack up. “Bible is spelled V-I-V-R-E.” I wrote the word out on a nearby piece of paper to demonstrate, and Andou’s face lit up with glee.

“Ooh, gotcha! Thanks a million!”

“Oh, think nothing of it. Helping you on occasion is just part of my role as the club president.”

“Seriously, though, I can’t believe how much stuff you know! I’m really lucky to have an upperclassman like you around to give me advice.”

One might think that his purehearted praise and genuine gratitude would make me feel ever so slightly guilty about my mischief—and one would be wrong. To the contrary, I was seconds away from bursting out in uproarious laughter. He was just too funny!

“H-Huh? Er, Sayumi? You’re kinda trembling,” pointed out Andou.

“O-Oh, it’s nothing! Don’t worry...about it,” I barely managed to choke out in reply, pinching my thigh with all my might in an effort to help me keep a straight face. Endure, Takanashi Sayumi! You mustn’t laugh, not yet! This will be infinitely funnier if you let the misapprehension stand as long as possible before revealing the truth!

I’m willing to admit that having subjected my adorable little underclassman to that sort of benign harassment may very well have made me a terrible person, but I simply couldn’t help myself. Teasing him made him immeasurably cuter and a hundred times more entertaining! I was beside myself with excitement imagining the day that Andou would finally realize the word was misspelled.

He he he.

He he he he he he he.

☆

One day in July, I found myself standing in the clubroom, a laptop set up on the table in front of me, with Sayumi and the rest of the girls looking on from my sides. Displayed on said laptop: the opening screen of what looked like a classic JRPG.

“I thought you guys had been keeping something secret from me lately,” I said to my clubmates as a piece of rather stately title music kicked in, “but I definitely never would’ve guessed that you were making a game, of all things!”

I’d arrived at the club room expecting just another day of ordinary activities, but instead, I’d found the other members gathered together and waiting for me. Their pride in what they’d created was obvious the moment I’d stepped into the room.

“He he he!” tittered Sayumi. “I’m pleased to learn that our surprise was a success.”

“Yeah, about that. Why the surprise?” I asked. “Aren’t I part of the club too?! Why’d you leave me out of something this fun?!”

“Simple,” replied Sayumi. “We wanted you to serve as our playtester, and we wanted you to go into the experience completely free of biases and preconceptions. If we’d let you participate in the game’s development, you wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it from the pure and fresh perspective we’re hoping for.”

“Ahh, okay, that makes sense.”

“We thought it would be fun to take your opinions and advice into consideration, polish the game, then submit it as a display piece for this year’s cultural festival.”

In other words, this was another of those technically-a-literary-club-activity sort of exercises. Stories were becoming a more and more vital component of modern video games as the industry evolved, and that was particularly true of the RPG genre. Considering that, you could make an argument that developing a game just barely fell within the literary club’s purview.

“You sure you want me testing your game, though?” I asked with a sly grin. “I should warn you, I can be pretty picky about this sort of thing! Speaking as a gamer, I’ve got really high standards!”

“I know this is nothing new, but Andou has the weirdest way of making totally benign crap sound really obnoxious, doesn’t he?” muttered Tomoyo with a grimace.

“Juu said the same thing when I told him that he should try a phone game I was playing a while back!” said Hatoko, her smile ever so slightly strained. “In the end, he got even more obsessed with it than I did.”

“In any case,” said Sayumi, “we’d like you to play the game first. We can go over any questions you have afterward.”

I took a seat in front of the laptop and got ready to give the game a try.

“Man, though, I’m still impressed... It can’t be that easy to make a whole game, can it?” I asked.

“Game-making programs have become much more common as of late,” explained Sayumi. “There are plenty of freeware assets available for things like background art and music as well, so it’s perfectly possible to make a passable game without learning any majorly specialized skills beforehand.”

Sayumi pressed the enter key, and the game’s title flashed onto the screen. 

Puzzle & Tales of Dragon Fantasy

“You’re, uhh, laying it on pretty thick right from the get-go, huh?” I commented. “It’s almost refreshing how over the top it is, I guess? Like, it feels like I’m getting a whole sampler platter of famous JRPGs.”

“We decided not to get hung up on the title and to put that effort into the game proper instead. Try not to read into it,” said Sayumi.

After the title screen, the game presented me with a “Please enter your name” screen. Yup, that’s some classic RPG stuff, all right. The name field had a length limit as well—I was only allowed to use up to six letters, which struck me as sorta short.

“Damnations! I was gonna go with my true name, Guiltia, but it’s just one letter too long!”

“Yes, that’s the inten— That’s quite a shame, isn’t it?” said Sayumi, though she certainly didn’t look upset about it.

At that point, Tomoyo jumped in to ask a question. “Hey, Andou, are you the sort of person who comes up with your own name for your character in games like these?”

“You have to ask? Of course I am!”

“Hmm. I don’t, personally. I always end up going with the characters’ official names. How about you, Hatoko?”

“I usually just name the main character after myself, I guess! But I’ve only ever played games like this when Juu loans them to me. Chifuyu?”

“I do whatever.”

Guess it really comes down to a matter of personal preference, huh? I spent a moment carefully mulling over names that would fit within the character limit. Hmm... Looks like I’ve just got the full run of the alphabet to work with... All right, then...

XANADU

“Mwa ha ha!” I cackled, unable to restrain my glee. “Perfection!”

Xanadu, of course, is a word meaning “an earthly paradise” that traces its roots back to the Chinese city of Shangdu! Words that start with the letter x: hella, hella cool! What could be cooler than Xanadu, seriously?!

Are you sure you want to name yourself XANADU?

I selected “Yes” without hesitating for so much as a second. Xanadu’s great adventure begins here and now...or so I’d thought, anyway.

Are you really sure you want to name yourself XANADU?

For some reason, a second confirmation screen popped up instead. Huh. This game’s system is kind of on the cautious side about this stuff, isn’t it? I selected “Yes” once more.

Are you really, REALLY sure you want to name yourself XANADU? Are you sure you won’t regret it?

Okay, I’m getting sorta sick of this now! I selected “Yes” yet again.

...What? Like, seriously? For real? You ACTUALLY want to go with XANADU? You didn’t just name yourself that as a joke? Are you, like, sane?

“Is it just me, or did the narration’s speech style just totally change?!” I was more than a little bewildered, but I selected “Yes” a fourth time.

omg lmao, like, LOL, srsly?

oh god, you actually think that’s cool LMAO

XANADU omfg

so lame looooooool

you’re definitely the sort of person who’ll give his kid some stupid nonsense name if you ever have one lmfao

“H-Hey, Sayumi?! Your narration’s really trying to pick a fight with me over here! And the chat speak’s making it way, way worse!”

“That’s a feature, yes.”

“Huh...? It’s a what? And wait, does this game seriously understand the name that I input? Would this all change if I put in something different? Wouldn’t that take, like, some seriously high-level programming?”

“Not quite,” said Sayumi with a shake of her head. “The narration would’ve said the same thing no matter what name you picked.”

“But wait, then—”

“I anticipated the sort of name you would choose and wrote the narrator’s reaction accordingly. You are, on the whole, extremely predictable.”

“Ugh!” A curse upon you, Sayumi! Why must you be so insufferably clever?!

Anyway, I wasn’t really feeling Xanadu as a name anymore, so I backed up to the input screen and started considering my options again. Eventually, I settled on a new name: Loki! As in, the name of the god of cunning and mischief, who also happened to be blood brothers with Odin, king of the gods! I’ve heard that Loki’s name is supposed to mean something like “Bringer of the End” too! Loki: hella cool!

Loki (lol)

You really don’t learn, do you?

Did you really think naming yourself after a god would be cool? Major cringe moment.

“Okay, is it just me, or are its insults weirdly specific?! How’d this stupid game know I put a god’s name in?!”

“I predicted that you’d probably turn to mythological figures for your second attempt, and assuming you’d use a god’s name was an easy extrapolation from there,” said Sayumi, who could apparently read me like a book.

“Aggh, dammit!” I snarled, backing up to the input screen once more. My next idea was to use the Ainu word for god, “kamui”—but I stopped at the last second. Sayumi had been spot-on when it came to predicting my choices so far, so if I wanted to get the better of her, I’d have to do something totally unpredictable!

AAAAAA

So you’ve decided to smash keys at random next, have you?

I’m afraid you still have a lot to learn if you want to stand any chance of outwitting me.

“How the heck did you see that coming?!”

Sayumi chuckled. “You really are predictable, Andou.”

I hung my head in despair. I can’t take this anymore! Thinking for even a second that I could beat Sayumi in the field of psychological warfare was a terrible mistake! My only remaining option was to give in and use a perfectly ordinary name. I just wanted to be over with this nonsense and start the actual game, already.

Tarou

Oh? Quite the ordinary name you’ve chosen this time.

Are you backing out after all that?

You spent so long trying to make yourself look cool, and NOW you’re getting cold feet?

I suppose you weren’t all THAT dedicated to your aesthetic after all, were you?

I’m almost disappointed.

“Gaaah, I don’t even care anymore!” There was just no escaping Sayumi’s insight into my thought patterns. What is she, the ultimate demon lord? Can I not run from this boss fight? “Damnations... Now I know how Yugi-boy felt when Pegasus screwed with him through his VCR...”

“He he he! What a shame, Andou. Don’t worry though. It’s all over now, and you can move on with the game,” said Sayumi as she messed with the controls for a moment and then urged me to try once more.

I was completely over coming up with a cool name, so I just put in “JURAI” this time. The game didn’t nitpick that decision, for once, and I was finally on my way into the actual story.

One night, JURAI had a terrible nightmare.

He dreamed that the Demon Lord, who was slain a thousand years ago, came back to life and threatened to devastate the world once more.

“Can you hear me, JURAI?”

“An incredible power sleeps within you.”

“Please, use that power well! The world...is in...your...”

JURAI woke up to find himself in his own bed.

He looked at the back of his hand and found a crest inscribed upon it: a six-pointed star.

Ooh, now this is getting interesting! We’re off to a compelling start! Classic plot developments all around!

The black screen transitioned into a proper scene illustrated in a pixel-art style. It looked more like an RPG from several console generations ago than anything modern, sure, but that gave it a sort of retro charm that I was pretty into. I was finally in control of my character, so I spent a minute walking around in his room and messing with the menu system.

“No items and no equipment, huh...? Eh, guess that’s normal when you’re just starting out.”

I steered JURAI out of his room and down a staircase where I found another character in the kitchen. I figured that was probably supposed to be my character’s mom.

MOM: “Good morning, JURAI! There’s a big commotion in the plaza today. I wonder what’s happening?”

MOM: “Come to think of it, I heard that the king’s knights were coming to town today!”

“Y’know, I have the weirdest feeling that the game’s telling me to go outside,” I commented, then did just that. There was indeed an area that looked like a town square outside my character’s house, and it was full of NPCs, who I walked over to.

VILLAGER A: “Eeeeeek?!”

And for some reason, one of the village women immediately started screaming. Just when I thought monsters were attacking the town...

VILLAGER B: “Help! A streaker! Some degenerate man is walking around town naked!”

VILLAGER C: “O-Oh no, it’s true! Gaaaaaah!”

...it turned out that, no, she and the other local women were screaming about JURAI himself!

KNIGHT A: “Ugh! Stop right there, you freak! Seize him, men!”

JURAI was apprehended by the army, convicted of public indecency, and sentenced to ten years of hard labor. He spent the rest of his youth in prison.

GAME OVER

“Game over?!”

“Well, what did you expect, Andou?” said Sayumi. “It’s only natural that you’d be arrested, walking around town in the nude like that.”

“In the nude?! You mean the main character was supposed to be naked that whole time?!”

“I suppose it was rather hard to tell, what with the pixel art style. You did see that you didn’t have anything equipped when you opened your menu, though, didn’t you?”

“You mean that meant I had nothing equipped? Like, literally nothing?!”

“Yes, exactly. In this game, having no gear equipped means that your character is naked. That feature enables players to challenge themselves to walk around town in the nude and not get caught.”

“I don’t wanna play the game like that! And why does the main character sleep in the nude, anyway?!”

“The main character of our game has a hard time falling asleep if he’s not in the nude. It’s an inconvenient habit of his.”

“Ugh... I’ve heard some real people are actually like that, so I can’t come down on it too harshly... B-But then, why didn’t his mom say something about it?!”

“She’s very broad-minded about her son’s foibles.”

“She’s too friggin’ broad-minded!”

I was pretty close to totally fed up, but nevertheless, I turned back to the game and hit “CONTINUE.” Once again, JURAI awakened in his room.

“Okay, so, I guess I’m supposed to have him actually go and get dressed?” I muttered to myself, learning from my previous failure. I found a dresser in the corner, opened it up, and obtained a TRACKSUIT, which I equipped immediately. For the moment, I decided not to call out the fact that apparently, a world with demon lords and knights also had tracksuits for some stupid reason.

I spoke with my character’s mom once more, then set out into town! Once again, I’d learned from my failures and didn’t head straight for the square. Instead, I went into the house next door to my character’s home. One of the fundamental rules of RPGs, after all, was to always stray from the beaten path to pick up items everywhere you could! Can’t believe I forgot something that basic. I really let my guard down! If I’d given my room a thorough investigation the first time I’d played the game, I would’ve found the TRACKSUIT early and avoided that whole disaster!

I walked around the neighbor’s house, opening up their dressers and chests, breaking their pots and barrels, and even looting their bookcases while I was at it. In the end, I found 150 gold, a healing herb, and evidence that the town that I was in was called “Startsville.” All right! Now I just have to talk to all the NPCs in town and gather up all the information I can—

HOMEOWNER: “There he is, guards!”

...or so I’d thought, but suddenly, a character named “Homeowner” burst into the house and started screaming.

HOMEOWNER: “He snuck into my house out of nowhere and started stealing all my money and belongings without saying so much as a word!”

KNIGHT A: “Burgling in broad daylight, eh, you criminal scum?! Seize him, men!”

JURAI was apprehended by the army, convicted of grand larceny, trespassing, breaking and entering, and a laundry list of other crimes, then sentenced to ten years of hard labor. He spent the rest of his youth in prison.

GAME OVER

“I game over’d by getting arrested again?!”

“Well, of course you did! You trespassed in someone else’s house and helped yourself to their belongings. It’s only natural that you’d be arrested.”

“In the real world, sure, but come on, this is an RPG! That’s just how it works in these games!”

“This game’s primary theme is the preservation of morality and decorum. Incidentally, it’s recommended that you play in a well-lit room and sit at a comfortable distance from the screen.”

“I don’t wanna play a game with that sort of theme!”

In spite of my protests, I hit “Continue” once again. I also resolved to make a point of saving at every step along the way, just to be on the extra safe side. It was pretty clear that I could get slapped with an arbitrary game over at any moment, but I’d be ready for it next time!

To start, I equipped my TRACKSUIT and headed out into the town square to talk with all the villagers. They gave me a bunch of exposition. In short: a legend had been passed down through the royal family’s line that when the Demon Lord is revived, a legendary hero would appear here in Startsville. Now that the Demon Lord was back, the king had ordered his knights to go to our town and search for the promised hero. Their only clue was the knowledge that there would be a distinctive mark somewhere on the hero’s body: a six-pointed star.

“Mwa ha haaa! It’s totally me! It’s me! Me, me, me! I’m the legendary hero!” I practically squealed with glee. God, I seriously can’t get enough of these chosen-one-style plots! Now this is some classic RPG storytelling!

“Andou really gets into his games, huh...?” commented Tomoyo.

“Juu’s always loved talking at the screen when he watches TV or plays games!” said Hatoko.

“Andou’s freaky,” added Chifuyu.

I decided to ignore them.

Anyway, I had JURAI show his six-pointed star crest to the knights, and their attitudes did an immediate one-eighty! The knights brought JURAI right to the castle for an audience with the king.

KING: “That crest... So, it wasn’t just a myth... The legends were true! I am told your name is JURAI. Please, won’t you listen to my tale?”

The king then went on to expound on the history and circumstances of his country in great detail, but the bit that really mattered was that the seal keeping the Demon Lord imprisoned had been broken, just as prophesied, leading to his resurrection. JURAI was the legendary hero reborn, and the king begged him to go out and put down the Demon Lord. It was pretty by the book as far as setups went.

KING: “I would love to ask you to go slay the Demon Lord immediately... However, some of my vassals have doubts about your power. I must ask you, JURAI, to prove yourself to us. To start, I would like you to defeat the bandits who have been plaguing these lands.”

Oh, okay. Guess I have to go level up a bit before I can take on the Demon Lord. A menu appeared to let me select my response, and naturally, I chose “Yes.”

KING: “So you’ll do it? Wonderful! Before you go, I shall grant you this suit of armor. A TRACKSUIT is hardly fitting garb for a hero! In addition, you may take whatever weapon you please from my armory.”

JURAI got a KNIGHT’S ARMOR!

“Oh, riiight. I guess I was still wearing a tracksuit, huh?” The cutscene ended and I regained control of my character, so I quickly opened up my menu and swapped the tracksuit out for the knight’s armor. My defense shot way up as a result. All right! Now we’re getting into some real RPG—

KNIGHT A: “Wh-What do you think you’re doing, fiend?! Why are you taking your clothes off?!”

KNIGHT B: “How dare you expose yourself before the king! Seize him, men!”

JURAI was apprehended by the army, convicted of lèse-majesté by way of indecent exposure, etc. etc.

GAME OVER

“But why?!”

“Because you started changing clothes in front of the king, of course!” said Sayumi. “The country this game is set in is an absolute monarchy, remember?”

“Are you seriously taking the realism that far?! It’s a game! Game characters can change their clothes in a split second!”

“There are changing rooms for you to use when you need to swap out your gear. At the very least, you have to go somewhere nobody’s around to see you. It’s just common decency.”

“It’s a pain in the butt, is what it is!”

“This game’s theme is the preservation of morality and decorum.”

I took a deep breath. “Fine!”

I had officially given up. Who cares if the game is arbitrarily realistic—I’ll beat it anyway out of sheer stubbornness! Thankfully, I’d dropped a save the instant the king’s speech had ended, so I was able to continue right where I’d left off.

To start, I left the audience chamber, hid behind a pillar, watched the guards very carefully to make sure I wasn’t in their line of sight, and equipped my knight’s armor. I let out a sigh of relief once the process was complete and I’d safely clothed myself.

Wait...what sort of game is this even supposed to be, again? Why do I have to feel a whole Metal Gear’s worth of tension and accomplishment just to change my clothes?

“Umm, okay, what’s next?” I said to myself. “I’m supposed to go pick up a weapon from the armory, right?”

I decided to give the castle a thorough exploration while I was at it...then realized that doing so would probably get me arrested again, so instead, I walked around the castle very, very carefully, making sure not to bump into anything I shouldn’t and taking care to politely greet the knights and noblemen I happened to pass by.

I didn’t go into any side rooms, and I didn’t open a single treasure chest! Searching for items? Who does that? This was a king’s dwelling, and I had to conduct myself like the well-behaved commoner I was! Step one: behave myself! Step two: keep a low profile! Steps three through five: do not disobey anything that anyone tells me to do!

“I-I’m impressed, Andou,” said Sayumi, her tone slightly strained. “You’ve managed to circumvent quite a large number of my traps...”

“Yeah, like, dang...you’re actually pulling off the pathetic commoner act perfectly! You might have a talent for behaving like a miserable peasant,” added Tomoyo.

“Yeah! Juu, you’re awesome! You’re a perfect ordinary villager!” said Hatoko.

“Andou, you’re super ordinary,” commented Chifuyu.

That’s right—the girls were all singing my praises! “Mwa ha ha! Nobody acts like an ordinary villager as well as I do!” I boasted, then immediately got depressed. I don’t wanna play this game anymore! It’s way too stressful! I kept playing anyway, though, and eventually managed to crawl and cower my way all the way to the armory.

GUARD: “Oh, hey! The king told me about you. Feel free to take whatever you want.”

I took the armory guard up on his offer and started searching around for a weapon. A moment later, though, a cutscene started playing.

SHWING! The crest on JURAI’s hand began to glow!

“What is this strange light...? It’s like something’s calling out to me...”

JURAI found himself drawn toward a single rust-covered sword in the back of the storeroom.

GUARD: “Huh? Oh, don’t even bother with THAT sword. It’s more rust than steel at this point!”

JURAI ignored the guard’s words. He found himself instinctively reaching for the blade.

SCHWIIIIIING! The moment JURAI touched the sword’s hilt, his crest began to throb, as if it was resonating with the blade!

A moment later...the rust began to crack as it fell away from the sword!

Motes of rust were scattering to the ground, as though the blade were weeping tears of joy at having been reunited with its true owner.

Soon, all the corrosion had been shed, and the blade was restored to its former glory.

GUARD: “I-I’ve heard stories about this... They say that a thousand years ago, the hero struck down the Demon Lord with a legendary blade! And look—that six-pointed crest on its hilt! Could it be that this whole time, that rusty sword was...?”

All riiight! Now this is a plot twist! Getting chosen by a legendary weapon? Love it! A weapon resonating with its destined owner? Perfection!

GUARD: “It must be! The legendary Blade of Thrashing, Overpowering, Massacring, Annihilating, Terrorizing, and Obliterating! Also known as...”

JURAI got a TOMATO!

“That name sucks!” Like, seriously, are you kidding me? You worked all those amazing, awesome words into the name, just to abbreviate it to friggin’ “tomato”?!

“The Demon Lord’s one weakness is the legendary sword, TOMATO,” explained Sayumi. “He’s capable of resisting any and all attacks that are thrown at him, with the sole exception of TOMATO attacks, which he simply can’t stand.”

“You know you’re making it sound like the Demon Lord’s a little kid who won’t eat his tomatoes, right?” I sighed.

In any case, though, I’d finally found myself a weapon! I left the castle, went out into the overworld, and made my way toward the bandits’ base. A few steps across the world map later, I had my first random encounter! It was finally time for a real battle! This has been a long journey already...

A BLUE GELATINOUS ORGANISM appeared!

Yeah. Okay. I get it. Not gonna take the bait.

“If you’ll give me a moment, Andou, I’d like to explain the battle system to you,” said Sayumi.

“Huh? Nah, you don’t have to bother,” I replied. “I’ve played enough games to have a sense for these things.”

“I recommend you take the time to listen! Our game’s battle system is somewhat unusual. It makes use of an exceedingly groundbreaking technology that we’ve taken to calling the Shout and Pose System.”

“‘Shout and Pose’?” I repeated, cocking my head.

“In short, the system is capable of detecting both your speech and your movements. In order to issue commands in our game’s battles, the player must say particular things and make particular gestures, the specifics of which vary from situation to situation. The manner in which you move and speak determines both the damage you deal and the probability that your attack will hit.”

“Ooh, dang! That’s kind of awesome!”

“All right, Andou, please stand up. Face the screen head-on, then choose a suitable phrase and pose for your attack.”

I stood up as Sayumi told me, my heart swelling with excitement and anticipation. Getting to play an NES-level RPG like this using voice and motion controls was totally beyond my expectations! I glared at the blue gelatinous organism on the screen, placing one hand on the imaginary sheath at my waist and smiling dauntlessly as I did my best to step fully into our protagonist JURAI’s shoes.

“Foul monster, birthed of darkness pure! Feel the piercing bite of my TOMATO and vanish into the aether from whence you came!” I shouted, crouching down into a combat-ready stance. I have to say, it was a really cool line if you ignored my weapon’s name. “Heavenly Roar of the Andous Style, Final Esotericism: Dashing Waves of the Swallow Blade!”

It only took an instant. My blade flickered from its sheath, slicing through the air faster than the eye could see as I bisected my enemy without the slightest hint of hesitation—or as I went through the motion of it, anyway!

Dashing Waves of the Swallow Blade was the Heavenly Roar of the Andous Style’s fastest sword skill. The user unsheathes their blade with the swiftness and grace of a swallow in flight, carving any and every enemy within the technique’s area of effect into minuscule pieces in the blink of an eye! Man, I wish any of this stuff I’m saying right now was actually true!

“Pitiful creature... I pray that death, at least, shall grant you the peace you could never seek in life,” I muttered, channeling both the compassion of a warrior who pitied the sad fool he’d just cut down and the emptiness of a man who’d grown too strong to feel anything anymore into my words as I turned my back to the screen. My sword slid its way back into its sheath with a sharp, final click—which I made with my mouth, for lack of a real weapon.

Mwa ha ha ha...perfection! How’s that for acting out a special move?! I don’t even need to ask—that was a critical hit, no question about it! I looked back to the screen...only to find the blue gelatinous organism in the exact same state it’d been in when I’d stood up.

“H-Huh...? Oh, I get it. Yeah, that makes sense—I have to actually select ‘Attack’ after I finish my move!” I picked out the “Attack” option in the battle menu.

JURAI attacks. Shwing! BLUE GELATINOUS ORGANISM takes 5 damage.

BLUE GELATINOUS ORGANISM attacks. Wham! JURAI takes 2 damage.

“Ugh! Impossible! How could it withstand my Dashing Waves of the Swallow Blade?!”

It seemed that the Shout and Pose System worked on a much harder grading criteria than I’d expected. Interesting! I’m not one to back down from a challenge! I struck a pose, ready to unleash another ultimate move...but then I noticed something. Chifuyu aside, the remaining members of our club all seemed to be writhing on the floor, clutching their sides and slapping the ground... Wait. Huh? Are they laughing? Why?

Just as I began to question the situation, Chifuyu gave me a confused glance and spoke up. “Andou? What are you shouting about?”

“What do you mean, Chifuyu? I’m just doing my best to play the game, that’s all! I’m trying to give the Shout and Pose System a serious test!”

“The game doesn’t have a system like that,” said Chifuyu—who, let it not be forgotten, had been a member of its dev team—with an air of casual indifference.

For a moment, my mind completely shut down. Huh? There’s no voice and motion recognition system? It’s just a normal RPG? So then, this whole time...

“You set me up, Sayumi!”

“M-My apologies... The whatever it was System was too expensive to implement, and it was tragically cut in development... Pfff! Aha ha ha ha ha!” Sayumi cackled, trembling with mirth.

Curses, she got me good this time! And it was super obvious too! There’s no way an indie game made by a bunch of high schoolers in their spare time would have a system that advanced! And the computer doesn’t even have a webcam or a microphone hooked up to it!

Gaaah, the shame! All that full-power shouting and posing was pointless! The only part that mattered was when I hit “Attack” afterward!

“Ha ha ha ha, oh god,” said Tomoyo, who was desperately trying to catch her breath. “Seriously, Andou, how did it take you that long to notice?!”

“Curse you, Tomoyo...! How dare you all make a fool of me!”

“And wait, back up a minute. ‘Heavenly Roar of the Andous Style’? What the hell sort of name is that?!”

“Sh-Shut up, you! It signifies that the Andou Clan’s secret techniques are powerful enough to shake the heavens above!”

I decided to get back to the game before that line of inquiry could go any further. A few basic attacks later, the blue gelatinous organism was defeated. I got some EXP and gold for my trouble, then I was sent back to the overworld, where I proceeded onward toward the bandits’ hideout. I got into a few more encounters along the way and wiped out all the monsters involved easily enough, earning myself a level up before I reached my destination. The whole process was pretty easy, and I felt like I was making good progress.

Finally, I arrived at the bandits’ hideout. I dropped a save, talked to a character that looked like a bandit boss, and was thrown into a battle with him immediately. He was, in fact, a BANDIT BOSS, and while he was tougher than the monsters I’d crushed on the way there, he didn’t have any crazy special attacks, and I was still able to take him down without much trouble. There was a treasure chest behind him, which I quickly opened up.

JURAI got a HADESIUM ORE!

“Ooh, nice! That sounds like a pretty important item!”

I hurried back to the castle to report my victory over the bandits to the king. As a reward for my success, the king formally acknowledged JURAI as the legendary hero’s reincarnation and asked that I march upon the Demon Lord’s citadel.

“We’re heading straight for the final boss’s lair, huh? I guess the game’s almost over?”

“Correct,” said Sayumi. “The next dungeon is also the last one. The scale of our game was limited by the circumstances of its development.”

The king had one final thing to tell me before my audience with him concluded. “Come to think of it, the armory guard told me he had something to speak with you about,” said the king, dropping an incredibly obvious plot hook. I took the bait and headed straight to the armory.

GUARD: “Hey! I have something to tell you about the TOMATO. I got curious after you unsealed it and read through some ancient texts, and I discovered that it’s supposed to have a second, more powerful form!”

Oh, does it now? Sounds like my signature weapon’s about to get a power up! Even more so than the stat boost, I was excited by the prospect of the weapon potentially getting to ditch its horrible name. It was really hard to get hyped about the battles when you were swinging a sword with a name like that around every turn!

GUARD: “The thing is, you need an item called HADESIUM ORE to upgrade the sword... Huh? You already have some? Then let’s hurry up and give it a try!”

JURAI combined the TOMATO and the HADESIUM ORE.

SCHWIIIIIING!

The seal on his hand began to emit a brilliant light!

GUARD: “Looks like it worked! This is the legendary blade’s true form. It’s said to be the most powerful of demonic swords, capable of channeling the forces of hell itself into each and every swing! It’s called the legendary Blade of Thrashing, Overpowering, Massacring, Annihilating, and Hellish Total Obliteration! Also known as...”

JURAI got a TOMAHTO!

“A tomahto?! The pronunciation got more specific?! That’s it?!”

“Congratulations, Andou,” said Sayumi. “You’ve obtained the most powerful weapon in the world.”

“The most powerful weapon in the world’s named after a vegetable?!”

“It also comes with a special move: the Lycopene Slash.”

“Sounds nice and nutritious!”

It seemed there was just no escaping the power of the tomato. And it sounded so awesome before they abbreviated it too! I wanted to fight with a cool weapon, dangit! I wanted to mow down my foes with style wielding Gungnir, or Excalibur, or something!

In any case, I got on a boat that the king prepared for me, my ultimate weapon in hand. My destination: the island upon which the Demon Lord’s citadel was situated.

“So, wait... The Demon Lord was resurrected a few days ago, and he already has a citadel?”

“Try not to question it. If you absolutely need an explanation, you can just go ahead and assume that the castle was restored alongside the Demon Lord, or that he took over a castle that was already there.”

Soon, I arrived at the island. A fortress shrouded in ominous black fog sat smack dab in its center. “I’m sure this foul miasma keeps ordinary people away from the citadel,” I muttered, “but I cannot afford to fall back here! Prepare yourself, Demon Lord! I swear I shall strike you down!” I charged right into the castle without hesitating for a second! Yes, I was the very picture of heroic courage!

“How very brave of you...except for the part where you dropped a save right before you went in,” sighed Tomoyo.

Hey, that’s just RPG basics! Courage and caution go hand in hand!

The screen transitioned to a castle’s interior, and an ominous instrumental track started playing in the background. I proceeded onward, smacking down one random encounter after another as I went! The TOMAHTO was powerful indeed, and even though this was the final dungeon, I sliced through it as smoothly as a hot knife through butter. Before long, I arrived at a massive, sturdy-looking door labeled the Gateway of Time.

“The Gateway of Time?! Okay, there’s gotta be a boss behind this door!” I saved, then stepped through.

???: “Heh heh heh! I’m impressed you’ve made it this far, JURAI.”

A girl stood alone in the center of the next room.

???: “I am the first of the Four Heavenly Kings, the sovereign ruler of time: TOMOYO GODEDGE!”

“T-Tomoyo showed up in the game?!” I exclaimed in shock.

“The Demon Lord’s Four Heavenly Kings were all modeled after the literary club’s female members,” Sayumi explained.

Tomoyo gave me a grin and a nod. “That’s right! And that means if you want to move ahead, you’ll have to beat me first!”

“I get it... You’re really making this interesting, huh?” I replied, turning back to the game.

TOMOYO: “You’re not even worth the Demon Lord’s time!”

“Mwa ha ha! Somebody’s certainly talking like a third-rate mook, isn’t she, Tomoyo? I guess I shouldn’t have expected much out of the first of the Four Heavenly Kings!”

“Wha—?! C-Can it, Andou! For the record, I’m super tough to beat!”

“Hah! The first king of the classic four-man miniboss squad is always a chump! They look unbeatable, sure, but the second and third always end up overshadowing the first so much that at the end you look back and are all, ‘Huh? Wait, who was the first one again?’ The first Heavenly King’s always forgettable!”

“Where do you get off disrespecting all the first Heavenly Kings out there?! Apologize!”

TOMOYO: “Heh heh heh! This is your last chance to beg for mercy! Not that I’ll give it to you, regardless!”

“Okay, seriously, see? That is such a mook line!”

“Why you little... Just wait! Her next line’s gonna scare you so bad, you’ll be going pale and dripping with cold sweat before you know it!”

“Ha ha ha! After that setup? Not even possible! Once you realize that a villain’s a mook, they’ll be a mook for the rest of the game!” I advanced the text with complete confidence that I’d be fine, no matter what she said!

TOMOYO: “Oh, by the way, you’re not allowed to save past this point.”

“Wh-What?!” I found myself going pale and dripping with cold sweat before I knew it!

“See? Told you!” boasted Tomoyo with a self-satisfied chuckle.

Come on, that’s not fair! You can’t just ban saving in the last dungeon! What sorta sadistic game design is that?!

“Hmph... Fine, then! I just have to win on my first try! I believe in you, JURAI!” I moved the conversation along, and the boss battle began!

A TOMOYO appeared!

JURAI attacks. Whoosh! TOMOYO dodged the attack.

TOMOYO: “Heh heh! Let you be trapped betwixt the hands of time and wander forever the realm of eternity!”

TOMOYO uses CLOSED CLOCK! The world comes to a standstill! Only TOMOYO can move.

TOMOYO’s turn never ends! TOMOYO unleashes her berserker soul!

TOMOYO attacks. JURAI takes 213 damage.

TOMOYO attacks. JURAI takes 245 damage.

TOMOYO makes a desperate attack! JURAI takes 608 damage.

TOMOYO attacks. JURAI takes 238 damage.

JURAI was defeated!

“TOMOYO’s friggin’ OP AF!”

“Heh heh! I told you that I’m super tough to beat, didn’t I?”

“Come on, though, that’s just straight up unfair! ‘Tough to beat’ implies possible to beat! That was a no-warning instakill!” She shouldn’t be using Closed Clock, period! Stopping time’s basically cheating by its very nature! “Man, what am I supposed to do about this...? Did I miss an item or something? Bosses like this usually have some sorta trick you can... Wait, huh?”

I’d been ready to hit the “Continue” button and take a second stab at the fight, but that’s when it hit me—I hadn’t actually gotten a Game Over screen! A cutscene was playing instead!

“Wait, so I didn’t lose?”

JURAI forces himself upright once more!

“Oh... Oh! I get it! This is one of those battles that you’re supposed to lose!”

TOMOYO was one of those bosses you see in RPGs sometimes that are designed to be totally unbeatable! Operating under the assumption that I wasn’t supposed to win against her, her cheat-level skills didn’t feel that egregious after all. And I knew where this was going as well—JURAI refusing to give in and rising once more on the brink of defeat was a sure sign he was about to go through some sort of awakening!

JURAI rises up again. JURAI looks at Tomoyo with respect.

Do you wish to add JURAI to your party?

TOMOYO selects YES.

JURAI joins TOMOYO’s team!

“Everything about that was friggin’ backward!” I screamed, unable to bear it any longer. “Why’s the protagonist flipping sides like some sorta wandering monster?!”

“TOMOYO thrashed him so badly, he ended up admiring her strength! Man, JURAI really is a hopeless mook, isn’t he?” said Tomoyo with an insufferably smug smirk. Curse that girl for abusing her dev privileges!

TOMOYO: “You want to beat the Demon Lord? Hmm. I’ve been getting pretty fed up with his crap anyway, so why not? I’ll help you beat him.”

Ohh, I get it. So that’s the sort of plot they’re going for! TOMOYO’s joining my party so that we can go beat the Demon Lord together! I mean, technically I’m joining her party, but same difference, really.

Having made the miniboss my ally (or rather, having been made the ally of the miniboss), I moved on past the Gateway of Time and reached a new door that was labeled the Gateway of Elements and Genesis.

“Hmm... I have a funny feeling that a certain two characters will be behind this one!”

HATOKO: “Heh heh heh! You’re finally here, Hero!”

CHIFUYU: “Good job making it this far.”

HATOKO: “I’m the second of the Four Heavenly Kings, the Overlord of Elements: HATOKO COMBRIVER!”

CHIFUYU: “I’m the Empress of Genesis, CHIFUYU CHIFUYU CHIFUYU.”

It was just as I’d expected—I’d have to face off against two of the Heavenly Kings at once! Also, Chifuyu’s fantasy name was weirdly reminiscent of the scientific name for the western lowland gorilla.

“All right! It’s time for us to fight, Juu!” Hatoko excitedly declared.

“Fair and square, Andou,” added Chifuyu.

“Mwa ha ha... I’ll take that challenge! It’s on! Bring it, both of you at once!” I said, bluffing my rear off. In truth, I wasn’t even slightly confident. The first of the Heavenly Kings had put me through the thrashing of a lifetime, and now I had to take on two at once? Oh, but I’ve got TOMOYO on my side this time! Maybe that’ll even the odds...?

A HATOKO and a CHIFUYU appeared!

TOMOYO used CLOSED CLOCK! The world came to a standstill.

Only TOMOYO can move!

But before she did, HATOKO used OVER ELEMENT to freeze herself!

But before she did, CHIFUYU used WORLD CREATE to create a personal shelter to hide in!

TOMOYO attacks. HATOKO takes 2 damage.

TOMOYO attacks. CHIFUYU takes 3 damage.

TOMOYO attacks. HATOKO takes 5 damage.

TOMOYO attacks. CHIFUYU takes 1 damage.

CLOSED CLOCK’s effect has worn off!

HATOKO attacks.

HATOKO: “Here goooes! Dragon attack!”

HATOKO uses her special move: FIVE-DRAGON SUMMONING! Dragons of wind, fire, water, earth, and light attack JURAI at once. Jurai takes 555555 damage.

Chifuyu attacks.

CHIFUYU: “Bang. Bang. Baaang.”

CHIFUYU uses her special move: ALL-OUT FIRING LINE! CHIFUYU creates all sorts of firearms that unload on TOMOYO at once.

But when she does, TOMOYO uses CLOSED CLOCK! TOMOYO dodged the attack.

JURAI’s body was riddled with bullets!

“JURAI’s friggin’ weak AF!” He couldn’t even hold a candle to the Heavenly Kings! He wasn’t keeping up with the game’s power creep at all!

As I lamented Jurai’s impotence, the other three characters carried on the fight. With the player character dead as a doorknob, all I could do was sit there and watch the battle play out. Actually, could this game maybe not describe everything that happens to JURAI’s body while he’s unconscious? Really feels like we’re violating some sort of RPG taboo here!

“Seriously, though, aren’t the Four Heavenly Kings in this game just way too strong?” I grumbled.

“But Juu,” said Hatoko, “isn’t this basically what would happen if we ever fought for real?”

“Andou, your power’s super weak,” added Chifuyu. The two of them had the funniest way of saying the most hurtful things without meaning to. And, yes, I admit it, my Dark and Dark probably wouldn’t be any match for the others’ powers, but still...

I absentmindedly watched the battle play out. Eventually, TOMOYO somehow managed to take the other two down, and as I’d more or less expected, they ended up joining the party. Three out of four Heavenly Kings were now on JURAI’s side. It seemed the goal of the game was to recruit all four Heavenly Kings (aka literary club members), then go defeat the Demon Lord with them. Man, this Demon Lord’s really not very popular with his subordinates, is he?

“Guess Sayumi’s up next, huh?” I speculated. To be completely honest...I was terrified of the upcoming battle. Heck, I was more scared of it than I was of the final boss! I mean, come on—I’d be up against Sayumi! She put the “s” in “sadism”! No amount of caution could possibly have prepared me to take her on!

“Gaaah, screw it! What happens, happens!” I shouted, mustering up what little courage I had left and stepping through the door!

???: “I’m impressed you’ve managed to make it this far.”

A solitary woman stood in the center of a dimly lit room. She was drawn in the same pixel art style as everything else in the game, yet somehow, she managed to exude an overpowering aura of intensity.

???: “I am the last of the Four Heavenly Kings, SAYUMI HIGH LA FRANCE.”

A cutscene began immediately, and I was caught off guard as my supposed comrades TOMOYO, HATOKO, and CHIFUYU left the party to walk over and stand by SAYUMI’s side!

“Huh? Y-You’re kidding... They came all this way to betray me at the last minute?” I mean, okay, it’s not like we were the closest of teams to begin with or anything! I was more than a little bewildered, but I pressed on into the cutscene, only to get slammed by an even more shocking plot twist a single line later.

SAYUMI: “We’ve eagerly awaited your return, JURAI. Or should I call you ‘the Demon Lord’?”

My jaw dropped. “Huh?” JURAI? The Demon Lord? The protagonist was the Demon Lord this whole time?!

Meanwhile, the cutscene continued. The Four Heavenly Kings all knelt before JURAI, and Sayumi began explaining what had happened. She said that a thousand years ago, the Demon Lord was defeated by humanity’s Hero. The Demon Lord and his Four Heavenly Kings had planned for such an eventuality, though, and ensured that they would all be reincarnated far into the future.

The Demon Lord, however, added a detail to his own reincarnation: he would return as a human. Why? Simple: he wished to learn firsthand of the human heart. He would willingly give up the tremendous power he possessed, obtain the strange power that humanity seemed to wield, and bring the world to heel for good.

Thankfully, the humans themselves played right into his hands. They came up with an all too convenient legend that spoke of how their Hero’s reincarnation would awaken upon the Demon Lord’s revival. Humans always had a way of assuming that everything would work out in their favor...but needless to say, there wasn’t so much as a scrap of truth to the legend. The Hero would not return. It was only through a stroke of cruel irony that the Demon Lord himself was mistaken as the second coming of his greatest foe.

“Wh-Whoaaa,” I muttered, stricken all but speechless by the story. Seriously, where did this plot twist come from? I didn’t see it coming at all! I thought this would be a totally boilerplate RPG, but now it’s throwing me for a major loop at the very end of the plot!

TOMOYO: “We chose to fight you to assess your current strength, Your Lordship.”

HATOKO: “It’s too bad though. You were asleep for so long that you lost almost all of your power!”

CHIFUYU: “And your memory too. That was bad.”

SAYUMI: “Please, Your Lordship, try to remember! Remember your unparalleled arrogance and brutality! Remember the atrocities you inflicted upon your foes and the almighty power with which you committed them! Remember how you were meant to be!”

SAYUMI touches JURAI and uses ROUTE OF ORIGIN! JURAI returns to the way he was meant to be!

JURAI: “G-Gaaahhhhhhhhh!”

JURAI: “My head...! It hurts so much!”

JURAI fell to the ground. His head throbbed violently as his memories—the memories of the Demon Lord—returned to him!

JURAI: “Mwa ha ha... Mwa ha ha ha! MWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That’s right... I remember now. It was me all along... I am the Demon Lord!”

JURAI reclaims the Demon Lord’s power!

JURAI reaches level 99!

JURAI’s stats are all set to MAX!

It was one of the most abrupt and audacious power-ups I’d ever seen, but I wasn’t quite ready to celebrate. The plot was moving so fast I couldn’t keep up with it, much less predict where it was going to go next. What’s going to happen now? Am I gonna spend the rest of the game playing as the Demon Lord and bringing the world to ruin?

SAYUMI: “Incredible... Your power is so immense, just standing beside you sends a shiver down my spine! You’ve finally regained your full strength, haven’t you, Your Lordship?”

JURAI: “It’s been a while, SAYUMI. And the rest of you as well, my ever-obedient Four Kings.”

SAYUMI: “Now that you’ve learned of the human heart, you have no weaknesses to exploit! And if that weren’t enough, you wield the strongest weapon in the world, the legendary TOMAHTO! You have nothing left to fear, Your Lordship. The time has come for you to cast down the humans and turn this world into a new Demon Realm!”

1: That’s right. Let chaos reign and the world be undone!

2: ...

“A dialogue option, huh...?” In other words, my decision here would determine how JURAI would go on to live his life as the Demon Lord.

Heh! As if I even need to think about it! The correct choice is obvious, and I know exactly what I’m going to do next!

“Time to drop a save, first of all... Gah, crap! I forgot—I’m playing on no-save hell mode!”

“Would it kill you to be decisive just this once?” Tomoyo sighed.

Cut me some slack, okay?! Making a new save every time you hit a decision might look sorta pathetic, but it’s a habit that all gamers share! Without the ability to save, though, I was forced to follow my heart and select option 2.

JURAI: “...”

SAYUMI: “What’s wrong, Your Lordship?”

JURAI: “Stop calling me that. I’m nobody’s lord...and my name is JURAI!”

SAYUMI: “Wha—?!”

JURAI: “SAYUMI. TOMOYO. HATOKO. CHIFUYU. Sorry, but I changed my mind. I won’t be bringing the humans to heel after all.”

SAYUMI: “But why?! Now that you’ve learned of the human heart, you should be undefeatable!”

JURAI: “True. I did indeed learn of the human heart, just as planned. However...I’m afraid to say I learned too much. I’ve grown rather fond of the humans, it would seem.”

SAYUMI: “You? Fond of the humans? But you used to scorn and despise them for their weakness, foolishness, and avarice! Did you not loathe their foolish society, which values the station one was born into above their own merits as an individual?!”

JURAI: “Perhaps their society may seem foolish at first glance, but I’ve learned the truth. I’ve learned that humanity has an entirely unique value to it. Humanity understands the importance of morality and decorum, and that’s something we monsters could never appreciate.”

Okay, gotta admit, I was not expecting the game’s main theme to tie into the story like that.

JURAI: “Humans are foolish, laughable creatures, it’s true. They dreamed up the fantasy that I, the Demon Lord reborn, was instead their Hero returned to them, and they foisted all the responsibility for their future off onto my shoulders.”

SAYUMI: “All the more reason to—”

JURAI: “But I was even more laughable than they were! Though I could never explain how or why, I felt the urge to rise to meet those foolish humans’ expectations. I felt the urge to save them—to live by their side in peace...”

JURAI felt the desire to live not as the Demon Lord...but instead as the Hero.

SAYUMI’s eyes blazed with a new, dangerous light.

SAYUMI: “Well, then...it would seem Your Lordship’s long slumber has muddled your memories. No matter. We will open your eyes—by force, if we have to!”

The screen swirled in upon itself as a battle began! On one side: JURAI, the newly awakened Demon Lord. On the other: all four of the Heavenly Kings, all at once. The final battle was about to begin!

TOMOYO: “Hero my foot! You think you can just gloss over everything that’s happened that easily?”

HATOKO: “You’re going to forgive the humans? After they spent so, so long torturing and persecuting our people...?”

JURAI: “I don’t know about that... I don’t know what’s right either. All that I know is that right now, I’d rather save people than destroy them. There has to be some way for humans and demons to coexist, right?”

CHIFUYU: “Your Lordship...”

As far as final battles go, it was, in a word, perfect. JURAI’s newly awakened powers were tremendous, but with foes like those four, he couldn’t afford to let his guard down for so much as a second! If I’d cast the wrong spell or used a healing item at the wrong time, I would’ve lost in an instant. It was down to the wire, and I thought I was doomed time after time. Nevertheless, as the battle wore on, my friends—my former allies—fell one after the other.

TOMOYO: “Of course this is how it’d end... You’ve always been strong. That’s why I decided to follow you in the first place.”

TOMOYO was defeated!

HATOKO: “I’ve always understood. I’ve always known that deep down, our Demon Lord was kinder than anyone else!”

HATOKO was defeated!

CHIFUYU: “I’ll never leave you, Your Lordship.”

CHIFUYU was defeated!

I was left with but a single foe: SAYUMI HIGH LA FRANCE, the last of the Four Heavenly Kings.

SAYUMI: “Have you forgotten the calamities you wrought upon this world a thousand years ago? Do you truly believe a few good deeds will be enough for the humans to accept you after all that you’ve done?”

JURAI: “I know. I’ll never expect them to forgive me. But be that as it may...I want to atone.”

The ensuing battle was truly ferocious. It was an all-out back-and-forth, with neither side allowing the other a moment’s rest. Yes, it was the sort of battle that would be passed down through the generations as a legend...but every legend has its conclusion.

SAYUMI: “He he he... I suppose I was no match for the Demon Lord after all.”

SAYUMI was defeated!

JURAI approached SAYUMI’s fallen form.

JURAI: “Why, Sayumi? Why didn’t you fight me with your full strength?”

SAYUMI: “Oh? Whatever could you mean...?”

JURAI: “Don’t play dumb with me. If you’d used ROUTE OF ORIGIN, you could’ve recovered all your stamina and MP in an instant! You could’ve healed the other Heavenly Kings as well! So why...?”

SAYUMI: “He he he... I simply wished to place my hope in someone as well. Just as the humans entrusted the world to their reborn Hero...so too did I wish to entrust the world to you.”

JURAI: “Then you can rest easy. I’ll live up to those expectations, I promise you. I’ll turn this world into a wonderful place for man and demon alike! So please...lend me your strength, O Four Heavenly Kings. Won’t you fight by my side once more?”

The Four Heavenly Kings nodded without hesitation, happily accepting JURAI’s offer.

And so, JURAI’s long fight to unite the worlds of man and demon began.

It was a long road, fraught with pain and peril. Atonement did not come easily to the former Demon Lord.

The moment mankind realized his true identity, they turned their backs on him. Once again, he was persecuted as a monster. However, JURAI accepted humanity’s reproach. He and his Four Heavenly Kings worked tirelessly for the sake of peace.

No matter what he did, he could never erase the sins that the Demon Lord of a thousand years prior had committed. There were times when JURAI considered atoning with his own death. Deep down, though, he knew that would be a poor recompense for what he’d done.

No, he would bet his life on the future...and spend it for the sake of the world.

Such was the path that JURAI chose for himself.

When all was said and done, JURAI was no Hero. Far from it—he was the Demon Lord himself, the root of all evil. He was worse than a fraud. He was unqualified for heroism on a fundamental level.

And yet, that was precisely what gave him his strength. In knowing that he was no Hero, JURAI gained a stronger desire to be one than anyone else possessed.

And, as the years passed by...

JURAI would one day be remembered as the truest Hero of them all.

Fin

I was stunned. Speechless. There were simply no words. How could I have ever been prepared for a SNES-style RPG to move me to the core? Hoooly crap. JURAI was hella, hella cool! I get you, JURAI, I really do. Don’t worry—as long as your heart’s in the right place, you’ll be the most heroic Hero of them all! Someday, I know you’ll find it in you to forgive yourself...

I felt such a deep empathetic bond with the protagonist that I was on the brink of tears. Meanwhile, an epic orchestral piece was playing as the credits scrolled across the screen. I read the other literary club members’ names one by one, still basking in the afterglow of that moving final scene, when suddenly the music shifted in tone. The tempo of the tune picked up, and as I leaned in to try to figure out what was happening, an explosion popped up in the middle of the screen, revealing...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANDOU JURAI!

...an enormous message in a big, bold font, dominating the entire screen! I gasped and spun around to look behind me without even thinking about it. At the same time, I heard a series of loud pops—the others had pulled party poppers out from who knows where, and they must have been waiting for that precise moment.

“Happy birthday!” said all four of them at once as I was showered with streamers and confetti.

“He he he!” chuckled Sayumi. “So, Andou? How do you like your surprise present from the literary club?”

“S-Surprise present...? You mean, this game was...?”

“A one-of-a-kind RPG created just for you. We were lying when we said that we’d made it for the cultural festival.”

“We worked really hard on it too! We did our best to make something you’d like, Juu!” added Hatoko.

“I put a lot of work in,” said Chifuyu.

“We had to rush things, and it turned out a bit weird, so just ignore all the bugs and stuff,” Tomoyo chimed in.

“Oh...right,” I said. “I guess today is my birthday, huh?”

My parents named me Jurai since it sounded a little like my birth month, July. Nobody had said so much as a word about it all day, though, so I’d been convinced that they’d all forgotten. Turns out, no, they’d remembered all right—their silence was just all part of their plan.

They did all this for me? They’d really gotten me this time, and I couldn’t come up with even a single witty comment. I just stood there, frozen. Eventually, Chifuyu walked over and peered up at my face.

“Are you crying, Andou?”

I gasped and rubbed my eyes. I really was tearing up a little. Actually, I was just sobbing, straight up.

“Huh? Wait, what’re you crying for, Andou?!” Tomoyo exclaimed. She sounded even more embarrassed about it than I was.

“If our game was enough to move you to tears, then I suppose it was worth all the effort we put into making it,” said Sayumi with one of her ever-mature smiles.

“I’m n-not crying at all!” I snapped, quickly wiping away my tears.

“Aha ha ha, you don’t have to be shy about it, Juu!” giggled Hatoko. I felt myself blush.

Curses! This is all that stupidly moving story’s fault! I was already on the verge of tears before they caught me off guard with this surprise present stuff! Anyone would cry after that! Damnations... This is so frustrating in the most weirdly embarrassing way...

“These aren’t tears, they’re, uhh,” I floundered, desperately looking for an excuse. “They’re...jizz! Right, that’s it!”

“Holy crap, Andou, I know you’re panicking, but that was the worst possible excuse you could’ve gone with!” shouted Tomoyo.

“Hey, Hatoko? What’s jizz?” asked Chifuyu.

“Good question! I’m not sure. Maybe it has something to do with jazz? Hey, Tomoyo, what’s jizz?”

“U-Uhh, I-I-I-I, I mean, umm... P-Pass, Sayumi!”

“Ahem, ahem! T-Tomoyo, I’d prefer it if you’d keep this particular hot potato for yourself.”

While I was mopping my tears up, the others were descending into some sort of uproar for whatever reason. I took a few deep breaths, made sure I’d put myself together, then turned to look at them once more.

“Tomoyo, Hatoko, Chifuyu, Sayumi...thank you so much! I’ll treasure this game for the rest of my life!”

The four of them smiled back at me. Sheesh, you guys... You know you’ve made this the best birthday I’ve ever had, right? They’d injected a dose of pure happiness into my perfectly ordinary everyday tedium, and I found myself honestly wishing that our lives would carry on this way forever.