Inou-Battle wa Nichijou-kei no Naka de - Volume 2 - Chapter Ep

Epilogue: Undo July——Sagamicizm——Kill You First

“Here you go. Hatoko’s cellphone, as promised.”

It was the next day, and we were up on the third floor of our school. Well, technically, we were outside the school, out on the fire escape you could only access by opening a door we were expressly not supposed to open unless there was an ongoing emergency. The view from the fire escape’s landing was really nice, but people didn’t go there often (for obvious reasons), so the only ones around on that particular day were me and Sagami. He handed me the phone, and I stowed it away in my jacket’s pocket.

“Sounds like you had a pretty rough time of it, but I guess this was a ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ sorta situation, huh? Guess everything’s back to normal and right as rain now. Good for you.”

Though I didn’t feel obligated to keep Sagami apprised of my affairs in a broad sense—like, not even a little bit—I did sort of feel like he deserved the whole story in this particular case, and I’d given him a general rundown of what had happened. Sagami, of course, brushed it off with an air of casual indifference.

“Yeah, it all worked out, and thanks for that,” I replied.

“Hey, Andou? Are you mad at me?” Sagami asked, his tone of voice dropping down by a couple of notches. He didn’t look particularly worried about it, though. The opposite, if anything—the way he was looking at me was downright instigative. Like he was testing me.

“Huh? Why would I be mad at you?” I replied.

“Well, I said some pretty awful things to you, for one thing. Oh, and I prioritized Precure over Hatoko, that’s another. I actually feel just a little bit bad about that, believe it or not.”

“As if. And if somehow you actually do feel bad, you should at least try to look like you’re sorry,” I jabbed back. “Anyway, I’m not really angry regardless.”

That was the pure and honest truth. I genuinely didn’t feel much of anything toward Sagami at all. After all, you can only get angry with someone if you actually expect better of them. It’s hard for someone to betray your expectations when you expect literally nothing from them in the first place, and that’s exactly the position that Sagami inhabited in my mind.

I guess you could say that we had something akin to a perfectly ordinary friendship going, and that was a sort of relationship that carried absolutely no expectations at all in my mind. As such, I wasn’t angry with him in the least. I knew all too well what sort of person Sagami Shizumu was.

“We’ve always been this way with each other, haven’t we? Ever since we first met,” I observed. Ever since we first met back in the second year of middle school.

“True ’nuff. You and I have a friendship of convenience for the ages.”

“You’d better believe it. Just thinking about you coming running to get me out of trouble makes me wanna hurl. And for the record, if you’re ever the one in trouble, I won’t be lifting a finger either.”

“Hmm. I wonder about that,” Sagami commented evasively, flashing me a smile so bewitchingly charming I definitely would’ve fallen for him on the spot if I were a girl. Being me, however, it just came across as insufferable. “I wouldn’t be too surprised if you did come running to save me, actually. You’re quite the charmer.”

“Huh? A charmer? Funny, hearing that from you makes it sound totally meaningless.”

“I’m not talking about your looks, I’m talking about what’s on the inside.” Sagami pulled his phone out from his pocket. “Ah, sorry, Andou. Gotta take this.”

“Who’s it from?”

“Hmm...my SO.”

“You got another girlfriend? Already?”

“Not quite. I’m talking about a different sort of SO this time,” Sagami cryptically replied, then answered his phone.

I mouthed the word “later” at him, then opened the emergency exit, heading back into the school and leaving Sagami out on the landing.

“Hello hello, Sagamin, aka Sagami Shizumu, speaking. Or rather—”

The door clicked shut, cutting off the remainder of Sagami’s sentence.

“Or rather, Sagami Shizumu, the guy you saddled with the disgustingly chuuni-riffic name Innocent Onlooker.”

☆

“So, how’s the eye doing, Kiryuu?”

After explaining everything I’d just learned from Andou, I lapsed into idle small talk. The person I was talking to, Kiryuu Hajime, was an irredeemable chuuni nutjob who’d gone so far overboard playing evil-eye he’d gotten himself an actual eye infection.

“Terribly,” Kiryuu grumbled. “The swelling’s not going down at all. Makes me wish I had that ointment that Rukawa Kaede used to get rid of his swelling overnight before the big match with Sannoh High.”

“Save the deep-cut manga references for your sister, please.” I never liked having to call out that sort of nonsense. If any nonsense is getting called out in my vicinity, I want it to be mine. Railing on and on about somebody else’s joke just isn’t my jam. “Railing girls, on the other hand, I’m totally up for.”

“The hell are you talking about, Shizumu?”

“By the way,” I continued, “what exactly were you trying to accomplish with all this, Kiryuu? Were you just that desperate to make contact with Hatoko? Was that really worth making me go out of my way to steal her cell phone?”

I told Andou that I’d happened to bump into her and that she’d happened to drop her phone. That was a lie. I mean, really, how could anyone believe a coincidence that convenient would ever actually happen? The truth was that I’d deliberately bumped into her and lifted her phone right out from her pocket, just like Kiryuu had told me to.

“I bet she only got lost because someone used a power on her too, right? That girl may be an airhead, but even if she was overcome with rage, the fact that she just happened to get lost at the perfect time for your purposes was way too good to be true.”

“Bwa ha ha! Can’t deny that. The little lady getting lost and our meeting of destiny were both inevitabilities brought about by virtue of Dead Space.”

“Oh, that one—the power to mess with the gaps between things.” Yes, that would certainly explain it all. Akutagawa Yanagi’s power would make it a piece of cake.

“And as for why I decided to make contact with Kushikawa Hatoko...” Kiryuu paused. I could practically hear his gleeful smile come through in his voice, even over the phone. “Well, it’d be boring to give that away that easily, wouldn’t it? Use your imagination. Maybe I wanted to make her into a damsel in distress to prompt Andou Jurai’s awakening, or maybe I thought her power was a threat and wanted to take care of it first. Maybe I was hoping to help Andou and Kushikawa reboot their relationship. Who knows! Make like a weekly Jump reader and speculate away. I’m really entertaining like that, if you give me a chance.”

Way to dodge the question in the most chuuni way possible. Kiryuu made a habit of making anything and everything he said sound like it was loaded with hidden meaning. He would keep the most pointlessly petty things secret one minute, then casually drop the sort of earthshaking bombshell you’d think he’d never want getting out the next. I could never be sure when he was kidding around and when he was being serious.

“You sure made that sound cool, but I bet you’re just putting on airs to cover up the fact that you screwed up, aren’t you?” I jabbed.

According to Kiryuu’s information—which he in turn got from Aki’s power, Head Hunting—Sayumi had come up with a remarkable new way of using her power that allowed her to rescue Hatoko from their clutches in the blink of an eye. The literary club crew had never even realized the extent of the crisis that they were dealing with. Zero awareness that they were in bigger trouble than they’d ever been in before. And yet somehow, they had brought the incident to a close without a hitch.

“I know, right...?” moaned Kiryuu. “And everything was going perfectly according to plan, right up to the point where I put her to sleep with my Evil Eye!”

“You mean that old hag Eternal Wink’s Evil Eye, don’t you? Nothing special at all about your eyes.”

“Wow, okay... I’ve gotta say, you’re way too hard on women who’re older than twenty,” said Kiryuu, sounding more than a little revolted. I stand firm on this, though: any girl who’s past the age of twenty’s an old hag, nonhuman waifus excluded.

“Well, if you don’t feel like giving me a clear answer, I won’t try to drag one out of you. I just thought I might as well ask. Anyway, if that’s all you needed, I’ll be hanging up now.”

“Wait. We still haven’t gotten to the real topic yet.”

“What real topic?” I reflexively asked.

“Bwa ha ha,” Kiryuu cackled again in his own signature way. “Shizumu...isn’t it about time you joined us?”

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

“I mean that it’s time for you to take your place in the story. It just so happens I’ve been hoping to pad the team out with another member lately, so join us. Be a Player in this War of ours. I’m sure Leatia wouldn’t say no to bringing just one more person into the picture.”

It was an open solicitation. A flagrant attempt to recruit me for the “War” that he was a participant in. A straight-up letter of invitation to join a real-life supernatural battle. I, of course, knew my reply in an instant. I didn’t even have to think about it.

“No thanks.”

“Hmm. And why not?” Kiryuu cheerfully asked. He didn’t seem especially surprised by my immediate refusal. Odds were good he’d seen it coming in advance.

“That’s a good question... I love manga and anime just as much as you and Andou do, you know? Rom-coms are my personal genre of choice, but I’ve been known to appreciate a good supernatural battle story every once in a while as well. All that said, though, there’s one thing that makes me very different from you two: I’ve never wanted to play a part in the stories I enjoy. To me, fiction will never be anything more than fiction. I enjoy it because I’m an outsider to the story.”

I’ve never been one to self-insert. I never imagine what it would be like if I somehow ended up in the world of one of my favorite stories. Being a reader lets me appreciate those stories from the perspective of an omniscient observer—that’s why they’re fun for me.

“You think I want to have boiling-hot tea dumped on me by a klutzy girl, or get beaten to hell and back by an embarrassed tsundere, or get force-fed disgusting sludge that some girl thinks is food? Hard pass. And I sure as hell don’t want to be a regular customer at the local hospital like a supernatural battle story’s protagonist, nor do I want to wander into gruesome crime scenes every day like the detective in a mystery. Don’t wanna get injured like the lead in a sports story either.”

I like appreciating stories, but I do not like meddling with them. I don’t want to be a lead character, a supporting role, or a villain. I just want to be a reader.

“Oh, but if you can convince Leatia to beg me to join while she flashes me a double-peace sign, sticks her tongue out, and rolls her eyes back, I might consider it for a minute or two.”

“Bwa ha ha!” Kiryuu cackled. “Now that’s an out-there worldview—I love it! You’re a real character, Sagami Shizumu!”

Most likely, when he said “worldview” he meant it in the most literal sense possible: the point of view from which I perceived the world. It feels like people mostly use it in the more philosophical sense these days, but I could tell that wasn’t where he was coming from.

“You’re an onlooker in the truest sense of the word. You spectate the world from afar, like an indolent god looking down upon his creation. You really are worthy of the title I gave you: he who relishes the sinful flavor of misfortune, Innocent Onlooker!”

“Please, please stop calling me that. It reeks of chuuni, and I can’t stand it.”

“Hmm? Is that so? Well, if you hate it that much, perhaps I’ll use my second-best idea instead: he who wallows in sinful self-pleasure, Master Baiter!”

“You know what? Sorry, I’ve changed my mind. I’ll stick with Innocent Onlooker.” Not even I’d be happy with a title like that. Especially considering it’s not even that wrong. “While we’re on the subject, surely you have to admit that giving somebody’s power a name before they even get a power is putting the cart before the horse?”

“Bwa ha ha! What’s wrong with that? People give their kids names before they’re even born, don’t they? The nature reflects the name, not the other way around.”

“That’s really not the same—”

“Oh, but it is. At the very least, I can say with absolute certainty that the way I do names is perfect as far as this War and its powers are concerned,” said Kiryuu. “The powers that we Players manifest are intrinsically linked to their wielder’s innermost psyche. They’re expressions of the deepest, most basic desires that lurk within our hearts... Or at least, it’s pretty damn common for those desires to come through in people’s powers. Didn’t I already tell you all this?”

“Yeah. Well, the gist of it, anyway.”

“Take today’s main heroine, Kushikawa Hatoko. Her greatest desire would be ‘to understand Andou Jurai,’ most likely, and that’s how she ended up with such an extravagantly awesome power. Of course, her power ended up expressing how she doesn’t understand chuuni just as much as it expresses her desire to understand it. All-powerful skills like that aren’t quite what a real chuuni looks for. A power’s gotta have a slight defect, or even better, be just a little bit hard to use properly. That’s what makes a really cool power.”

I understood where he was coming from. Hatoko’s power was the sort of ultimate ability an elementary schooler would dream up. It was an ability born from the inherent contradiction of wanting to understand chuunibyou, but being chronically unable to grasp it.

“So if you were, hypothetically, to awaken to your own power, it would end up being something that expresses the deepest facets of your inner self. There’s not a doubt in my mind that Innocent Onlooker will be the perfect name for it.”

“Hmm. Well, in that case...”

A thought struck me, and I couldn’t help but share it out loud.

“...I suppose that your power, Lucifer’s Strike, is a reflection of your desire to turn the world on its head?”

“Good question. Who’s to say?” replied Kiryuu, dodging the question like he always did. For someone who loved talking your ear off about crap you weren’t at all interested in, he had the most infuriating way of clamming up the moment you had a question that actually mattered.

“In any case,” I said, giving up and changing the topic, “I’ll be sticking with my usual modus operandi and helping you out whenever the mood strikes me. Oh, and keep in mind that I won’t hesitate to betray you if I feel like it.”

“That works just fine for me. It’s much more interesting that way,” replied Kiryuu, his absolute glee clear to hear.

I could tell he was being completely genuine when he said he liked it better that way. Even if I were to betray him tomorrow, he’d just let out a villainous laugh and enjoy the plot twist to the fullest. He understood his own madness and chose to wallow in it without a second thought—a sure sign of a late-stage case of terminal chuunibyou.

“I have just one piece of advice for an indifferent observer like you, Shizumu,” said Kiryuu in a tone entirely unlike the way he’d been talking to me up to that point. It was a strange, unique tone that I couldn’t quite pin down. Cold, detached, and yet somehow inviting. “You’d do well to overestimate me. Then, and only then, will you finally underestimate me.”

And with that completely incomprehensible parting quip, he hung up.

I stared at my phone for a moment, speechless, then slipped it into my pocket and looked out over the scenery below. The gentle morning breeze stroked my cheeks, and just as I was starting to enjoy the pleasant elegance of the scene...

“Sagamiii, you jackass pervert son of a bitch!”

...Andou came flying out from the emergency exit, screaming like a banshee.

“What’s up, Andou?” I casually asked.

“I’ll tell you what’s up—you screwed with Hatoko’s phone, didn’t you?! Why the hell is her background set to a drawing of a little girl spreading her legs and slobbering all over the place?! Are you trying to get somebody arrested, here?!”

“What? No way—you’re saying you took a peek at her phone?”

“Yeah, on a whim, and it almost gave me a goddamn heart attack! There was a girl standing behind me who went pale as a sheet and friggin’ ran away!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me...why’d you have to go and look, Andou? I was having so much fun imagining how Hatoko would react when she saw it...” What an absolute waste! I was hoping she’d open it in front of her friends in class, or even better, that her parents would happen to see it at home...

“Why do you look like you’re on the verge of tears, you freak?! I’m the one who should be crying, here!”

“Do me a favor and drop dead, Andou.”

“You first, Sagami!”

We let out a long, synchronized sigh, then slumped over in a deep depression, also in unison.

“By the way, Andou, on a totally different subject—”

“Nope, you do not get to casually change the topic this time! We’re not even close to done yet! First off, apologize! Then hook your fingers into your nose, pull it way back, take a picture and post it all over the internet! Then I’ll forgive you.”

“You said you met Tomoyo’s brother a while back, right? What sort of person was he?”

“I just said...oh, whatever!” Andou threw his hands up in the air, then he let out a sigh of resignation. “Tomoyo’s brother’s name is Kiryuu Hajime, and he’s...wait a second. Huh? When did I tell you about how I met Kiryuu?”

“Y’know, a while back.”

“Weird... I’ve been going pretty far out of my way to not mention that to anyone.”

“Technically speaking, I listened in on you and Tomoyo talking about it.”

“You were eavesdropping? Come on,” groaned Andou with a disapproving click of his tongue. Then he grinned. I knew in an instant that he’d gone into chuuni-mode. “Mwa ha ha! Yes, that man... He was a truly exceptional person, so much so that no number of words could ever illustrate his greatness! Nevertheless, if I were to sum him up in a phrase...I would say that he’s a man cast from the same mold as I.”

“You know you have to be a pretty cool dude yourself to pull that line off, right?”

Though at the same time, I understood what he was saying. Andou Jurai and Kiryuu Hajime were so similar, it was frankly absurd. It was like they were each other’s reflection in a mirror: perfectly alike, yet precisely opposite to one another.

“I’m just shocked that you actually met someone who’s on your level. Sounds like a guy you should do your best to make friends with.”

“I’d love to, really, but I haven’t seen or heard from him at all since that first time. No clue whatsoever what he’s up to right now. We didn’t even trade phone numbers.”

“Is that so? You could just ask Tomoyo for his number, though, couldn’t you?” I’d heard from Kiryuu himself that he and his sister contacted each other every once in a while.

“Hmm, I mean, I guess I could... But, like, that’s not exactly the sort of relationship I want to have with him,” said Andou with a sort of awkward smile. “It doesn’t feel like it should be that easy for me to chat with him, I guess.”

“Why not?”

“I guess I just want to meet him by coincidence? Like, one day, we’ll just happen to cross paths again by pure chance. Wouldn’t it feel more, y’know, destined that way?”

Just when I was wondering what could be getting his eyes sparkling with excitement like that, it turned out to be the same chuuni nonsense as ever. I was almost disappointed...but then, Andou added one final thought.

“Plus, honestly...I’m a little scared to meet Kiryuu again. I don’t know why, but it feels like the next time I meet him, there’s no telling what will end up happening.”

Then we both fell silent. His eyes were still sparkling with childlike wonder, but there was a slight shade of darkness to his gaze as well. The look in his eyes carried a touch of ominous anxiety that sent a chill down my spine. It felt like I was looking straight down into a bottomless pit.

Now, isn’t that something? I suppose Kiryuu didn’t choose him for nothing. He might not have been conscious of it, but Andou had noticed the position he was in. He’d instinctively realized that he was standing on the brink of a decision he’d never be able to take back. Maybe that natural sense was his chuuni power at work.

“Hmm? What’re you smirking about, Sagami?” asked Andou. “You sure don’t smile like that very often.”

“Oh, nothing! And I do believe it’s time for us to be on our way,” I said, walking past him and stepping back through the emergency exit. I just couldn’t wipe that smile off my face.

I couldn’t have cared less about what happened to the world. Even if it fell to ruin tomorrow, or if Kiryuu turned it on its head like he wanted to, or if Andou brought about the apocalypse itself, I’d consider it nothing more than another plot twist in an ongoing story. Speaking as a reader, all I wanted was for that story to be an interesting one.

Be it a story full of supernatural battles or a perfectly commonplace slice of life, I was happy as long as I could enjoy it. And I’d do just about anything for that sake. I’d play just about any sort of role.

Kiryuu Hajime. Andou Jurai. You two are the best characters I could possibly ask for. So go on. Smile, rage, run, dance, scream, tremble with fear, weep with pathos, bellow out in madness as you bring your story to a close...and show us, your readers, how entertaining you can really be.