Inou-Battle wa Nichijou-kei no Naka de - Volume 2 - Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Lover——Robber

When I was a little girl in elementary school—in fourth or fifth grade, I think?—a certain incident sent the whole school into an uproar. The craziest part? I was the one behind it!

I was so shocked, really. It had all happened so suddenly that I panicked and sprinted off down the hallway, fleeing the scene of the crime. I ended up hiding in the shadows in a little empty space by one of the staircases, all alone, my arms wrapped around my knees.

I should’ve admitted that it was my fault right away, and I knew it, but I was just so scared! I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but sit there and cry, not budging an inch. I wished that somebody, anybody would come along and save me. Pretty irresponsible, right?

But just then, a voice I knew very well rang out. “There you are!” said a boy who I hadn’t even noticed arrived. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up to find Juu staring down at me, an irritated look on his face.

“Juu...” I whimpered. “How’d you find me?”

“As if I wouldn’t, stupid! Figuring out where you’d decide to hide was a piece of cake.”

“R-Really?”

“You think you can hide from the power of Pesquisa? Well, think again!” Juu smiled ecstatically as I oohed and aahed with admiration. “But anyway, Hatoko, what were you thinking?” he asked, giving me a hard, appraising look.

“I just... I just...” I sniffled. “Yesterday, my mom taught me about something... I noticed that when comedians on TV shout ‘Don’t push that button, no matter what!’ somebody always pushes it anyway. I said I thought that was awful, but mom said that it’s fine, ’cause it’s ‘obligatory’...”

“Yeah, I guess that is pretty much obligatory on those shows. But how does that explain anything...?” asked Juu, scratching his head in bewilderment. “You know you’re not supposed to trip the fire alarm!”

“Ugh...”

I don’t know if it was curiosity, or if I felt a sense of obligation, or if in that moment I’d inherited the fearless spirit of a TV performer. Whatever the case, that feeling drove me to push the emergency alarm button in my school’s hallway. It had a little glass cover on it that said ‘PRESS HERE,’ so I did just that. Then the fire alarm started blaring, and the whole school went crazy.

I was dumbfounded, of course. I was still dumbfounded even as I explained what had happened to Juu. “B-But, but...our teacher told us to never, ever push it, no matter what! So I thought, well...”

“Our teacher wasn’t acting! She was actually serious about that!” said Juu as he peeked out a nearby window. “Oh, jeez,” he muttered, his voice quavering and his face pale as he looked back at me. “Looks like everyone’s already finished evacuating.”

My regrets were growing by the second. I was starting to realize that with each passing moment, the situation was becoming more and more impossible to come back from. Oh no... What should I do, what should I do, what should I do?!

“Man, guess the fire drill we had the other day paid off after all!” Juu muttered to himself. “No wonder the principal gave us all that crap about how it’d taken us more than ten minutes to get out of the building and how if it had been a real fire somebody would’ve died for sure. Maybe him making us redo it over and over wasn’t such a bad thing after all.”

“What should I do...?” I whimpered. “What should I do, Juu?”

“What do you want me to say? The only choice is to go down there and apologize, right?”

“Maybe if I jumped out and said ‘Surprise! Gotcha!’ they’d just laugh it off...?”

“Sorry, Hatoko. I know everyone always talks about how coddled our generation is, but not even we could get away with a prank like that.”

“Ugggh... I wish our generation was even coddleder...”

“That’s definitely not a real word.”

Is that really my only choice? Do I have to fess up and apologize? But I can’t! I’m scared!

“Sheesh... All right, c’mon, Hatoko. Let’s go,” Juu sighed, rolling his eyes and holding a hand out to me. “If you’re that scared of getting chewed out, I’ll apologize with you.”

“What?! N-No, you don’t have to do that! Nuh-uh, no thank you!”

“Oh, don’t worry about it! I’m used to getting shouted at. Another two or three tongue-lashings on top of it all isn’t gonna make a difference to me at this point.”

“But, still... I’d feel terrible if I told them that you’re the one who pushed it instead of me...”

“Hey, whoa, I didn’t say I’d go that far! I’ll apologize with you, not sacrifice myself for you!”

“Should we say that you forced me to push it, then?”

“That’s even worse! You’re gonna make me look like a total bully!”

“Ugggh, Juuuuuu! Take the fall for me, pleeease...”

“Since when did you start acting like some sorta scheming villainess, Hatoko?”

The truth is, I was so incredibly panicked that my mind was racing all over the place. Juu sighed, then held his hand out to me once again.

“Okay, how about this? We’ll tell them that we were playing together, and you pushed it by accident. Sound good?”

“Can we...?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. We’d better hurry, though—if we take much longer, a fire truck might show up!”

I took Juu’s hand, and he helped me to my feet. Standing so close to him, I idly noticed that I was a little taller than he was. I knew he might outgrow me someday, but for the moment, at least, I was more grown-up than him...yet somehow, his hand felt so big and so warm, it made me feel tiny in comparison.

“Tee hee hee!”

“What’re you giggling about? We’re going to apologize; you gotta look like you’re sorry!”

“Your hand’s kinda warm, Juu!”

“Hmm? Mwa ha ha—of course it is! After all, a dark dragon of blackest fire slumbers within my right arm!”

“Oh, really? That explains it!”

We set off, hand in hand. I knew that I was about to get shouted at in front of the entire school, but for some strange reason, I was as calm and happy as could be.

☆

Kudou Mirei was the president of our school’s student council. I’d done some looking into her after the incident a few days beforehand, and I was astonished to find that she was an even more incredible person than I’d given her credit for. Her grades were exemplary, and she excelled athletically, but that wasn’t all: she was also widely acknowledged for her strength of character, and the entire student council attested to her incredible leadership ability.

She’d been elected in such an overwhelming landslide the year before that none of the other candidates even came close to her in the final tally. I’d never had any interest in school politics, myself, but as I asked around and heard the tales and rumors of her achievements, I started developing a genuine sense of respect for her. She really did sound sort of amazing.

I’d thought I had her all figured out after her attempted raid on the literary club, but the more I dug into her, the more I realized that my assessment might’ve been premature. And then, just when I was reevaluating my opinion on her, I suddenly had to deal with this crap.

“I love you too! Let’s go out!”

“...”

Seriously, what am I even supposed to say about this development? This goes way beyond the realm of your average sudden plot twist! It didn’t come from left field, it came from a completely different ballpark! Maybe I should start calling her Kudou the Living Plot Twist—okay, no, I have more important things to think about right now!

“Umm, Kudou? Sorry, I don’t think I quite caught that. What?” I hesitantly asked.

“Hmm? What, didn’t you hear me? It’s a little embarrassing, but I suppose I’ll have to say it again, then.” She paused to take a long, deep breath. “I love you too! Let’s go out!”

She repeated the exact same line as last time, word for word, and my last remaining iota of hope that I’d misheard her withered and died. “W-Wait a second. Give me a minute to think this through... Umm, so, when you say we should g-go out, what exactly do you mean by that?”

“I mean what I said. Going out is going out. What else could I possibly be talking about?”

“A-And just to make absolutely sure, this isn’t one of those ridiculous rom-com setups where the punch line’s that you’re just asking me to ‘go out’ shopping with you or something, right?”

“Of course it isn’t. Going out means dating, in the romantic sense of the term. Isn’t that obvious?” Kudou’s tone and expression were completely unflappable, with the sole exception of a slight blush spreading across her cheeks. It was a pretty cute reaction, to be fair, but I had way too much on my mind to really register it. My mind was, in fact, blowing a gasket.

“H-Hold up a—I mean, please wait a second!” shouted Tomoyo, jumping in to take my place in the conversation as I blue-screened. She’d rephrased herself halfway through her sentence, presumably since she’d remembered that Kudou was an upperclassman whom she was supposed to show some degree of respect.

Tomoyo walked past me and strode right up to Kudou. “Wh-What on earth is going on all of a sudden?! Did you seriously come here to a-ask this idiot out?! What are you thinking?!”

“Hmm. Kanzaki Tomoyo,” muttered Kudou, her aura of calm standing in stark contrast to Tomoyo’s freakout. “Could it be that you’re in love with Andou?”

“Wh-Whaaat?!” Tomoyo’s face went from mild panic to boiled lobster in the blink of an eye. “N-No, I am not! I’d sooner go for a girl than that living, breathing embodiment of cringe, and no, I do not swing that way!” Okay, wow. Ouch.

“I see. In that case, I don’t believe you have any right to involve yourself in this conversation. This is a private matter between me and Andou Jurai, and I’m afraid I have to ask you to step off.”

Tomoyo fell silent. It looked like she couldn’t think of any way to argue back against Kudou’s claim. She spent a second grinding her teeth in frustration, then she spun about and went after me next.

“Wh-Why’re you so quiet?! Say something, dammit! Wh-What is she talking about?!”

“I really wish I knew, believe me!”

“Kudou said something about a...l-love letter a minute ago. You didn’t...?”

“No, I didn’t, really! I have no idea what she meant by that!”

“What are you talking about, Andou?” asked Kudou, cutting back into the conversation. “You left a letter in my shoe cubby that laid out your feelings for me in clear and explicit detail.”

“Yes, about that,” said Sayumi. It sort of felt like she’d been waiting for that precise opportunity to speak up. “Andou, Kudou, I believe that neither of you have communicated anywhere near as much as you should have in regard to this ‘love letter.’ Most likely, that would be the cause of all this confusion.”

She picked the situation apart in an instant, analyzed the driving forces behind it, and even started us off on a potential solution. My club president was always reliable in a pinch! Even when everyone else was flipping out, we could always count on her to stay as cool and collected as ever, calmly observing and assessing the situation. If we lived in the world of Dragon Quest, she’d be a mage for sure.

“Andou, did you send a love letter to Miss Kudou?” asked Sayumi.

“No, I didn’t!”

“So he claims. Do you have anything to say about that, Miss Kudou?”

“Why are you lying, Andou? You’re definitely the one who left this letter for me. You admitted it yourself just a moment ago!”

She was right about that. I did write her a letter, for sure. And that could only mean one thing.

“Whaaat?! Y-You’re saying you think that was a love letter?! No, it wasn’t!”

“What?!”

“How on earth could you read that and think it was a love letter?!”

“How could you intend it as anything else?!” Kudou reached into her pocket and pulled out an envelope. It was the very same one I’d left for her the other day, no mistaking it. She opened it up and showed us the letter inside.

To Her Ladyship Kudou Mirei,

In our recent skirmish, I bore witness to your power in all its glory. Your potential awed me, and your might pierced my heart. Thusly, I shall hereby bestow upon thee an appellation most sinful of your own:

Grateful Robber

-The Conqueror of Chaos: Guiltia Sin Jurai

(AKA Andou Jurai)

“Andou...you wrote this?” asked Tomoyo as she read the letter. I nodded in affirmation.

“It’s hardly a long letter,” noted Sayumi, “yet it manages to swap between ‘you’ and ‘thee,’ seemingly at random. Only Andou could possibly write something so extra and yet so disappointingly half-baked at the same time.”

It sort of felt like she was trying to put me down with that one. Couldn’t you just say you knew it was me by the handwriting? Hell, I even signed it! And who else could’ve written “Grateful Robber” in such flawlessly majestic cursive?!

At that point, Tomoyo sidled over and whispered into my ear. “Hey, Andou? I think I can probably guess, but just for the record, what exactly was that letter supposed to mean?”

“Just that I had a really good idea for her power’s name, so I decided to give it one.”

“Yep. Figured as much.” Tomoyo sighed, pressing a hand to her forehead, then looked over at Kudou. “Hey, Kudou? Out of curiosity, how did you interpret that letter?”

“Why do you have to ask? How could this possibly be anything other than a love letter?!” she exclaimed, snatching the sheet of paper back from us. “If you translate all of its obtuse metaphors, you end up with something to the tune of ‘I fell for you at first sight. Please go out with me!’”

What an incredibly optimistic interpretation!

“The part about his heart being pierced was particularly well written!” she continued. “That’s an absolutely classic, straightforward expression of love.”

I was talking about your power to steal powers, actually! It is such a ridiculously awesome, final-boss worthy ability that it pierced my heart, not you!

“Of course, he was too embarrassed to write it all out in terms that straightforward, so he buried his intentions in strange names and archaisms. Really, Andou,” she chuckled, “you’re adorable!”

Oh nooo! She thinks my whole persona was just me being embarrassed! This is the first time I’ve ever found myself wishing someone would roast me for being a chuuni poser!

“And above all else, there’s this part here—the part where he called me his ‘Grateful Lover.’ He may have written it in English, but I’m perfectly aware of what it means! I have to admit, seeing you call me something like that was genuinely moving!”

“Y-Yeah, that! What the hell was that about, Andou?!” shouted Tomoyo. “Your names are always pretty out there, but what possessed you to go with lover, of all the words?!”

“I didn’t! That’s not what it says at all!” I pulled a jet-black notebook, the Bloody Bible, out from my bag, flipped it open to a blank page, and rewrote the title to show everyone. “That doesn’t say ‘lover’! It says robber! Look, see?! In other words, her power name is this: ‘Grateful Robber’!”

That’s right—I gave her power a name signifying that she was the mightiest marauder, the queen of thieves! It took a lot, and I do mean a lot of careful thought and consideration before I came up with that one, and in my book it turned out sensationally well!

Tomoyo almost looked sold on my explanation for a moment, but it didn’t last. “Why the hell did you have to write it in cursive?! How were we supposed to tell what it says when the writing’s so stupidly overwrought?! It’s completely illegible, dammit! And who even says ‘robber’ in this day and age?! If you wanted to get across the idea that she stalks people and takes their crap, why not go with ‘hunter’ or ‘thief’ or something?!”

“I get what you’re saying, but for real, there’s a super deep and significant reason why... A-Anyway, the point is that we understand how all this started now, so we’ve gotta clear this misunderstanding up right—”

“Wait just a moment,” Sayumi whispered, cutting me off. “Andou, I’d like you to put off resolving the misunderstanding until after we’ve given this situation some further thought.”

“Huh? But why? Wouldn’t everything be easier if we cleared the air right now?”

“Think of it from Kudou’s perspective... Or rather, take a moment to calm down and consider the entire state of affairs on the whole.” Sayumi sounded really serious about her advice, so I decided to take it.

I glanced over at Kudou. My gaze happened to meet hers, but only for a moment; she blushed and glanced away just a second later. Ooof. Yeah, real subtle there... I’m sure a hyper-dense protagonist type would be asking if she has a fever right about now, but unfortunately, I’m not quite that thickheaded.

“O-Oh, right!” said Kudou. “Now that we’re dating, we have to decide what to call each other, don’t we? I think I’d like to call you ‘darling.’ You don’t mind, do you?” she asked, fidgeting and glancing at me with every other word.

Is it just me, or did she start acting like I’ve already said yes somewhere along the way...? Oh, I get it! She thinks I asked her out, so in her mind, me turning her down wouldn’t make the slightest bit of sense!

Yeah...okay, I get it now. This is pretty painful. 

Suddenly, I understood exactly what Sayumi was trying to tell me. Watching Kudou act like this was excruciating. Not only had she misunderstood an underclassman’s intentions, she’d accepted his nonexistent declaration of love...in public. If she were to find out that all of it had been a huge misunderstanding...

“Oh, god,” I whispered. “She might never come back to school again.”

“I’m glad you understand the gravity of the situation,” agreed Sayumi with a solemn nod. That’s right: Sayumi, the girl I sometimes suspected lived to mess with people, was going out of her way to protect Kudou without so much as a sarcastic wink. That, more than anything, proved how serious of a crisis Kudou was in.

“I appreciate that this may not match with the impression you’ve had of her, but Kudou does an exceptional job as the president of the student council,” Sayumi added. “I would go so far as to say that the school couldn’t get by without her. You’re partially responsible for creating this situation, so you have a responsibility to resolve it as well.”

“How am I supposed to—”

“That’s an order, Andou.”

Easy for you to say! I felt bad for her, and I wished I could do something to help, but tragically, I couldn’t even begin to think of a solution. It didn’t help that off to the side, Kudou was digging herself even deeper into a hole.

“D-Darling? Ha ha, wow, it’s actually sort of embarrassing to say that out loud!”

Just listen to her! I can’t exactly walk up and say “Whoops, sorry, this was all one big misunderstanding!” at this point! 

As I mulled over the problem, seriously worried for once about my lack of a solution, I heard a little voice shout “No!” behind me. It was Chifuyu. She’d been sitting tight so quietly this whole time, I was convinced she’d fallen asleep.

“No, no, no, no, no!” she cried, jumping out from her chair. I was used to her being blank-faced and apathetic pretty much all the time; I didn’t think I’d ever seen her freak out like that before.

“You can’t take Andou! No!” Chifuyu wailed, walking over to Kudou and pounding on the president’s midsection with her little fists.

“A-Aren’t you Miss Satomi’s...?”

“No, no, no! You can’t have him!”

“Your name is Chifuyu, isn’t it? You don’t understand, I’m not—”

“No means no! Nooooooooo!”

“Mngh...”

Kudou had been strong-arming her way through the situation up to that point without letting anyone else get in a word of protest, but it seemed not even she could bring herself to take that sort of attitude against an elementary schooler. The look on her face made it clear that she had no idea how to deal with the girl.

Chifuyu... I never knew you felt that strongly about—

“Andou’s a stupid dumbo, so you can’t take him away! He needs me to play with him, so he has to stay here!”

Huh...? Wait, does Chifuyu think she’s doing me a favor when I play with her? Am I getting patronized by an elementary schooler?

While I was shocked by that sudden revelation, Tomoyo jumped in to take over. “A-Anyway, you should really rethink this, Kudou! Dating this Ultimate Edgelord would be a total waste of your youth!”

“Hey, keep your mediocre titles to yourself!” I snapped.

“Okay, then this Storyteller of the Darkest Edge.”

“Ugh! I want to protest, but that’s actually really cool...” Before I knew it, I’d acquired yet another title. This wasn’t the time, though, so I tried to suppress the smoldering excitement in my heart.

Meanwhile, Tomoyo shot me a look. I knew exactly what she was trying to tell me right away. Oh, okay! So that’s the plan we’re going with! If our goal’s to put an end to this situation while minimizing the damage to Kudou herself, we just have to make her hate my guts! If she comes to the conclusion that I’m a pathetic excuse for a man, she’ll forget all about wanting to date me!

“Believe in yourself, Andou!” Tomoyo whispered encouragingly. “All you have to do is act the way you always do, and everything will work out perfectly!”

“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just be yourself!”

“That line would’ve sounded really nice if you’d said it at any time other than right now!” In other words, all I had to do to make a girl hate me was be myself. Wow. Ouch.

“Hmm? For a member of my darling’s club, you have a remarkably poor understanding of what makes him so incredibly charming, Kanzaki Tomoyo. You have awfully bad taste in men, don’t you?” replied Kudou, still perfectly composed. Our plan was off to a terrible start, and even worse, she seemed really set on the whole calling me darling thing. “You and your club defeated me the other day, I’ll acknowledge that much. However, in terms of our powers themselves, I have yet to lose! I was and still am confident in my ability—I was confident enough to pick a fight with you, even though I knew I’d be fighting one on five!”

I knew very well that she wasn’t being a sore loser or putting on airs. Her power, Grateful Robber, could render any ability of ours, no matter how mighty, instantly irrelevant. She could steal them away the second she witnessed their activation, and there was absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. In the realm of superpowers, she was so strong she might as well have been cheating.

“I lost because you had Andou Jurai on your side. That’s all there is to it. If my darling hadn’t been around, I probably would have defeated all of you. Am I wrong?”

“I...I mean...” Tomoyo mumbled, unable to deny it.

“Frankly, I underestimated him,” continued Kudou. “I thought he was nothing more than a useless man with a useless power. And yet, somehow, that very power was my undoing.”

Tomoyo was rendered speechless.

“Anyone would think that the power to create a flame that doesn’t burn is completely worthless, yet he found a way to masterfully bring out every ounce of its potential. And that’s not all. He was also perceptive enough to discern my true identity and see through my pretense of auditing the literary club.”

Tomoyo blinked. “Huh?”

“His never-ending tomfoolery, his constant eccentric behavior...every bit of it was a trap laid solely to make me drop my guard. He played me like a fiddle.” Kudou paused to let out a little giggle. “When all was said and done, every bit of it was part of my darling’s master plan.”

“No, I mean, he said that, but he was just making—”

“And that’s precisely why I fell for him: his exceptional, calculating intellect!”

Kudou laid her feelings right on the table for all to see, and Tomoyo was taken aback. She turned to face me, so slowly I could practically hear her neck joints creaking, and flapped her lips like she was trying desperately to say something but just couldn’t spit it out. The situation was clear: when I claimed that everything had gone “just as planned” at the end of our battle, Kudou had taken it completely at face value.

It all makes sense now. Kudou is smart, studious, and also an absolute moron. One of those folks who gets great grades in spite of being a grade A dingbat.

“L-Look, Kudou,” said Tomoyo, trying to make a recovery, “you’ve got the wrong idea here. I mean, you’re giving Andou way too much credit! I know it looked like he saved the day back then, but really, the whole thing was just one huge coincidence!”

“Excuse me? That’s absurd. Isn’t it, darling?”

“Mwa ha ha! But of course! It should be obvious by now that every aspect of our encounter was carefully scripted by none other than me! This world is but a stage for marionettes, and I pull the puppet strings!”

“See?”

“What the hell, Andou?!”

Gah, crap! I reflexively jumped aboard the praise-train!

Tomoyo glared daggers at me for a moment, then she suddenly looked like she’d remembered something and spun around. “What about you, Hatoko?!” she shouted. “Don’t you have anything to say to these two dumbasses?! I could use a little help over here!”

“Bweh?” Hatoko grunted, caught off guard by Tomoyo suddenly singling her out. “I was just thinking that since the president came over to chat, I should make some tea for everyone...”

She was, in fact, standing by our tea set with a container of leaves in one hand and a little wooden scoop in the other, piling tea into our pot. The one slight problem with the picture was that said pot was already so full of tea leaves, it was literally overflowing. In fact, the pot itself was practically buried in green tea at that point, and Hatoko was still adding scoop after scoop to the mountain.

“Hey, what’re you doing?!” I shouted, rushing over to grab the scoop. “Stop! It’s already full!”

“Juu...? Ah, you’re right! It’s overflowing! How’d that happen?!”

“You tell me! You’re the one who did it!”

“O-Oh, am I...? Ah ha ha, wow! I’m such a space case!”

“That’s one way of putting it...” This is weird. Hatoko always looks sort of spacey, sure, but she’s actually really put together when all’s said and done. She basically never acts klutzy like this! What’s gotten into her?

While I was pondering that mystery, Kudou and Tomoyo had started straight-up arguing behind me.

“Did I mishear you, Kanzaki Tomoyo, or did you just call me and my darling ‘dumbasses’?”

“Y’know what? Yeah, I did, because it’s true!”

“Oh? You have a lot of nerve. You can say what you want about me, but I hope you don’t expect me to overlook it if you ridicule my darling.”

“Ughhh...” Tomoyo groaned. “I’m too tired for this. Have it your way. I don’t even care anymore.”

“Hmph! You’re the one who decided to pick a fight with me in the first place, for whatever reason,” retorted Kudou. “What, do you immediately assume that anyone with a larger chest than yours is your enemy?”

Tomoyo gasped. She had finally run out of steam, but Kudou just happened to pick the perfect closing jab to set her off all over again.

Kudou wasn’t done yet, though. “If that’s the case, then all I can say is that you’re astonishingly petty. I suppose your mind is as narrow as your bosom is lacking.”

“What...? You... Excuse me...?”

“The smallest out of all your club’s members, as far as I can tell. Except the elementary schooler, of course...barely.”

“B-B-Barely?!”

“Miss Satomi is her aunt, though, and considering her figure, I assume it won’t be long before Chifuyu leaves you in the dust.”

Tomoyo fell silent, but I could tell that she was quivering with rage. It was like watching a volcano shudder moments before it was due to erupt.

“I can’t say I understand how it feels to be so poorly endowed, but, well, try not to fixate on it. A woman’s worth more than her chest alone! Don’t let it get to you.”

Kudou’s seemingly genuine attempt to console Tomoyo dealt the finishing blow. Her cheeks spasmed as she cleared her throat, then she spoke with all the gravitas of a demon lord addressing their next victim.

“Let you be trapped betwixt the hands of time and wander forever the realm of eternity.”

Her catchphrase?! Now?! Oh crap, Tomoyo’s seriously snapped this time! She’s gone off the deep end!

The girl who reigned over time crouched down, ready to unleash her ability. But then...

“Hah! Too easy.”

Tomoyo collapsed on the spot. Kudou was ready for her and had no intention of letting her use her power.

As Tomoyo processed what had just happened, her expression shifted first to astonishment, then to one of profound regret. Grateful Robber, the power to steal other people’s powers, had only one condition that limited its potential: to use it, Kudou had to first witness the power she wanted to steal be activated.

“That was careless of you, Kanzaki Tomoyo,” said Kudou with a triumphant grin. “And now, your power to stop time is mine!”

“Ugh...” Tomoyo clenched her teeth with frustration.

Seriously, Kudou, that’s just cheating. And not even the fun sort of cheating! It’s just mean spirited!

“G-Give it back! Closed Clock is mine!” Tomoyo wailed.

“You can’t possibly believe it’ll be that easy. I’m neither kindhearted nor foolish enough to offer mercy to a woman who just tried to throw the first blow!”

“Umm...Kudou?” I said, stepping into the exchange in spite of myself. I felt way too sorry for Tomoyo to not do something. “Sorry, but could you please give Tomoyo her power back? Closed Clock really does belong with her. It just doesn’t feel right for anyone else to have it.”

Kudou turned to face me and replied with the most lovely, beaming smile I’d ever seen from her. “Okay! Whatever you say, darling!”

She actually went for it! Since when was she this nice and cooperative?! Is it just with me?!

Kudou touched Tomoyo on the shoulder and silently mouthed something that I couldn’t quite make out. Apparently, touching the person she stole a power from was necessary for her to give it back. “You should be thankful my darling is such a generous person,” she chided.

Tomoyo didn’t say anything in response. She didn’t do anything either. She sorta just stood there, stock still. I was starting to feel really bad for the poor girl. She’d had one of her insecurities mocked, been goaded into launching an all-out attack—catchphrase and all—then got her power stolen. Finally, after all that, she’d had her power returned to her as an act of pity on her enemy’s part. I could hardly even bear to watch.

And, as expected, Tomoyo had had it. “Uh... Ugh... Ugaaahhhhhh!” she bellowed in what sounded sort of like a cry of rage and sort of like a shriek of agony before jumping at Kudou, flailing her arms wildly. She didn’t use her power this time, of course.

“Ow! Hey, stop that!” shouted Kudou, quickly countering with her own series of perfectly ordinary punches.

After that, the two of them descended into the most utterly mundane battle imaginable. It wasn’t a supernatural battle by any standard—more of a plain old fistfight. If I had to express the scene in sound effects, it was a “Bap! Pow! Thwack!” sort of affair. A catfight, and a remarkably low-level one at that. I sighed deeply and sank into my chair. Just thinking about the mess I was in was starting to give me a headache.

Around the time that Tomoyo nailed Kudou with a punch right in her eye, their battle seemed to finally be drawing to a close.

“Ow!” yelled Kudou. “H-Hey! Going for the eyes is foul play!”

“Ah, s-sorry!”

“No, it’s fine. As long as you didn’t do it on purpose...”

Yep. That’s gotta be the most mundane resolution for all this imaginable.