Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 9 - Chapter 1

1. Set Free From Their Own Restraints

He squeezed his right hand.

Opened it.

Squeezed again.

This was the hand, Haruhiro thought once again.

The one that had hurt a comrade.

No, that was wrong. He wasn’t a comrade anymore.

“...Ranta.”

When Haruhiro whispered the name, there was a bitterness deep in his chest. He shouldn’t have been able to taste anything there, though. Despite that, it was definitely bitter. It tightened, as if his ribs were being constricted, they creaked, and he felt a dull pain.

Ranta. That Ranta. Damn Ranta. That piece of shit.

He’d gotten behind the guy, and buried this stiletto into the guy’s right shoulder. The sensation he’d felt then was gone now. Which meant it had been just that ordinary to him. Just like every other time, as if it were a given that he’d do it, Haruhiro had stabbed him with his stiletto.

He could say that for that one thrust, he hadn’t hesitated at all. If he’d wavered in the slightest, he’d probably have been the one hit instead.

The guy had been serious. That was how it had looked. Haruhiro could only assume that was how it was.

Ranta had been strong. His RIPer had been sharp, and surprisingly weighty. Had Haruhiro been underestimating it? That might be true. He’d never been on the receiving end of that blade before, after all. He’d only watched it from up close.

He’d known it was fast. The guy was fast. Not like he’d been long ago. He was a completely different person from the one who had struggled against a single goblin.

That wasn’t true only of him, though. Everyone had grown. Even Haruhiro had. But perhaps he’d underestimated the guy, after all. Haruhiro hadn’t been properly aware of just how much the guy had grown.

If he’d known that properly, maybe there would have been more ways he could have dealt with the situation. Would he have managed to not have to resort to that?

He’d tried to kill the guy.

If it had gone any further, he’d have tried to jam his stiletto through the eyeholes in the guy’s helmet.

“Haru,” Merry called out.

Hearing her voice, Haruhiro came to his senses. Looking to the left, she was looking at him with a furrowed brow.

Just like back then. Merry had shouted, “Haru!” and hearing her call his name made Haruhiro stop just short of killing Ranta.

Merry had stopped Haruhiro, without a hint of doubt. He was glad she had.

“Yeah.” Haruhiro looked down. “What? Is something up?”

Merry started to say something... but in the end, she only sighed.

Outside, it was raining.

Haruhiro and Merry were inside a cave. It was the cave that was connected to the mountain where the fire dragon lived in Darunggar. They had been just by the entrance before, but it didn’t seem like the rain was about to let up anytime soon, so they’d taken shelter deeper in. They were still only about five meters from the entrance, though.

They were sitting together on the cool, firm ground, side-by-side, with their backs against the wall.

Together.

Yes.

They were alone together.

They couldn’t go to the hidden village, and this was about the only place that everyone more or less knew the location of, so they’d decided they would gather here if anything happened. That was what he’d decided after talking with Yume, Shihoru, and Kuzaku.

Haruhiro and Merry had arrived. Thanks to Kuro, the former hunter and current warrior who was a member of the Typhoon Rocks, having indicated the direction for them, they had somehow managed to make it here even with getting a little lost along the way. And now, they were waiting for their comrades.

Everyone else was late, he felt. How much time had passed since then? He didn’t know precisely, but it felt like the sun was starting to set. Or had bad weather just made it get darker?

Impatience would do him no favors. They couldn’t move from here, after all. Even if they went out searching, the odds of them encountering Shihoru and the others out there were not high. Not only were they not high, they were low. No, it was best to assume they were incredibly close to nil.

Maybe Shihoru and the others couldn’t come here even if they wanted to. They might have gotten lost along the way. Were they in a situation that made it so they couldn’t come? Had something happened?

How had the battle even ended? Ararara and the Rocks. Katsuharu. And Shihoru and the others. They were up against Forgan, led by that orc, Jumbo. When Haruhiro had headed out to rescue Merry, Rock and Arnold the undead warrior had been in the middle of a one-on-one duel. Who had even won that?

If Rock had lost, things had to have gone pretty badly. The Rocks would be wiped out. Obviously, Shihoru and the others would be, too.

Even if Rock had won, Forgan had the overwhelming numerical advantage. Which meant...

Weren’t they in trouble either way?

Shihoru. She’d put her hand behind her back, making a clenched fist, to give Haruhiro a sign of encouragement as he’d gone to rescue Merry.

Lately, he’d started to feel that he was no match for Shihoru. Shihoru was really watching her comrades, Haruhiro included, closely—and probably not just out of idle boredom, either. She was trying to understand them, which was why she could see through him.

Surely, Shihoru must have figured out that Haruhiro had special feelings for Merry. Haruhiro had denied it, and Shihoru had said she believed him. That had to just be an act, though. He was sure that the truth was that Shihoru saw right through Haruhiro’s feelings.

At first, Shihoru had been hard to approach, and he’d never known how to talk to her when they were alone together. She’d been a precious comrade, but that was all. But, at some point, she’d become more important to him. She was a comrade, a friend, and someone who understood him.

Am I never going to be able to see Shihoru again...? he wondered. No, I don’t want to think that. I couldn’t take it.

He couldn’t live without Shihoru. Or, at the very least, he couldn’t imagine carrying on without her. Shihoru was a necessity. Not to the party. She was completely indispensable to Haruhiro.

Of course, that was true of Yume, too. Oh, Yume. He’d held her hand many a time. They’d even hugged. Yume was a girl, and Haruhiro was a guy, so he’d be lying if he said he felt nothing for her. But so what? he thought from the bottom of his heart.

He liked Yume. Loved her. He’d love Yume even if she weren’t a girl. She was like a younger or older sibling, maybe. It wasn’t like they were blood-related or anything, but he felt connected to Yume in some deep way. They had an inseverable bond, and he felt like they could maintain the same sort of relation they had now even into old age.

Not that he’d know. He couldn’t predict the future. There might be no future, you know? It could already have been lost to him. If Yume had been—if she wasn’t all right—that was what it would mean.

Kuzaku.

If anything had happened to Yume or Shihoru, it would have happened to Kuzaku, too. Kuzaku would put his life on the line to defend the two of them, so he’d probably—no, definitely—be the first to fall. Haruhiro didn’t want to think that was what had happened.

If Yume was like a big or little sister, then Kuzaku, even considering how tall he was, was like a little brother. He was loyal, and serious, and he believed in Haruhiro to the point it was embarrassing, showing him great respect.

Did I make the wrong call? Haruhiro couldn’t help but doubt.

If he had, it was no small mistake. Had he made a mistake on an unimaginable scale?

Ranta and Merry had been taken prisoner by Forgan. Haruhiro had, through a meandering series of events, managed to reunite with Shihoru and Kuzaku. They’d learned that Ranta had apparently betrayed them to join Forgan. It had been unclear what’d happened to Merry. They’d been able to infer she was alive from the way Ranta talked about her. That was why Haruhiro had decided they’d save Merry.

Had that been okay?

Four people, himself included, had been fine. Ranta had betrayed them to save his own skin, or for some other reason.

Should Haruhiro have given up on Merry?

It was true that he’d managed to rescue her, but that something he could only see in hindsight. Ranta had seen through him, so Haruhiro had won by a paper-thin margin. It would have been completely unsurprising if he had failed.

If Haruhiro had considered Shihoru, Yume, and Kuzaku’s well beings, he should have abandoned Merry. If he had, he wouldn’t have lost any more comrades. This was another thing he could see in hindsight. If he had forgotten about Merry, and not gotten involved in the Rocks’ fight, it wouldn’t have been hard for the four of them to get away. With the four of them, they might have made it back to Alterna somehow. Even if Haruhiro and Merry survived alone, what good would that do? There was nothing they could do, was there?

“Haru.”

Hearing his name called again, he looked over and saw Merry hugging her knees with her head hanging.

“I wanted to talk... about Ranta.”

“Ohh,” Haruhiro said. “...Yeah.”

“I don’t think you need to feel bad for... beating him.”

“He stabbed us in the back, after all. So... yeah.”

“To be honest, even I’m not sure yet,” Merry admitted. “I don’t know what Ranta was actually thinking. Why did he go and do that?”

“I have no clue, either.” Haruhiro smiled just a little. Was he an unpleasant person, being able to smile at a time like this? “I kind of feel like I don’t even want to know. Was it just to survive? He’s kinda... impulsive, you could say. Like he’s acting on the spur of each moment. He’s got that sort of aspect to him. Like, maybe it was all he could do then. For him, at least? I wouldn’t understand.”

“It’s just...” Merry hugged her knees tight. “If Ranta hadn’t done that, I think... they probably would have done unspeakable things to me, things I never want to go through.”

“He did it to save you—is that what you think? It was a ruse?”

“That might have been it, or it might not... Honestly, I just don’t know.”

“...I see.”

“The truth is, I was told to join Forgan, too,” Merry said. “If I did, they’d welcome me as a comrade, he said. I declined, though.”

“What? Wasn’t that... kind of bad? Wasn’t that the critical moment?”

“You’re right. I think that was.”

“Why did you refuse?” Haruhiro asked. “Though I suppose that’s a bit of an awkward question...”

“I couldn’t be a traitor. Couldn’t betray you. Betray everyone. Even if it was only on the surface, for the sake of expediency, I couldn’t do it.”

Heavy.

It had been that heavy.

For Merry, the weight of her responsibility toward Haruhiro and the others, her comrades, had been so heavy and important to her that protecting them had outweighed her own life and dignity.

If Haruhiro had been in Merry’s position, what would he have done? Could he say with certainty that he would have done like Merry and not betrayed the party? To be completely frank, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to be a traitor, but perhaps he’d have felt he had no choice but to pretend to stab them in the back. That was probably about how it would go.

Merry.

Merry.

Haruhiro understood. Merry might not say it often, but she cared deeply and strongly about her comrades. He was well aware of that. That was why losing Moguzo had hurt Merry incredibly deeply. She probably was still dragging that with her, and had sworn firmly not to let any more of her comrades die.

Damn it.

It really was impossible. Haruhiro could never have abandoned Merry.

There were things he could accept with cold logic. There were probably quite a few cases where he would have to. But people didn’t act based on reason alone, so when making decisions as leader, he shouldn’t rely purely on reason, either. In the end, nobody would follow a leader who only ever acted in a logical manner.

For instance, if Haruhiro had made the call to abandon Merry back then, what would have happened? If it had been the result of considerable thought on his part, Shihoru might have supported him. Yume would probably have cried for Merry. Kuzaku might have been rejected by her, but he still held an affection for Merry. He wouldn’t have been able to accept the decision easily.

But then again, from the start, Shihoru, Yume, and Kuzaku must all have believed, without a shred of doubt, that Haruhiro wouldn’t abandon Merry. That was exactly how it had turned out, in fact.

Haruhiro wanted to be the best leader that he could for his comrades, his friends. He wanted to grow in every way that he could. In order to do that, he would exert every effort. But no matter where he went, Haruhiro was still Haruhiro, and nothing more.

He couldn’t become someone other than himself, and he was sure nobody wanted him to. He was the leader, so he bore responsibility for the results. He’d reflect on those, too. However, reflecting and regretting were two different things. If regret would let him change the situation, he’d regret as much as it took, but unfortunately things didn’t work that way. Right now, Haruhiro was doing something meaningless.

Well, what should he be doing?

If he didn’t know, that was the place to start. He should think about that.

The situation. It was always the same. He had to get a handle on the situation, and use that as material to make a decision. To gather all the information he could. To just learn.

“Merry...” Haruhiro said. “Even though you did that, how were you spared? I’m sure you’d rather not have to hear this question, but...”

“No... I think I need to tell you this.” Merry finally raised her face. She still wouldn’t meet Haruhiro’s gaze. “It was something Ranta said. He said he’d wanted to make me his woman for a long time now. So he told everyone else not to lay a hand on me. If I adamantly refused to be his, then he said they could do as they pleased.”

“Uhh, so Ranta said that... to this Jumbo person? Er, not person, orc.”

“Right. Jumbo accepted it surprisingly easily.”

“That’s kinda...” Haruhiro faltered. “I dunno. They’re pretty different, those Forgan guys. Maybe it’s just that orc, Jumbo, who’s different. No, maybe not so much different as bizarre...”

“I was surprised, too,” Merry said. “I’d thought... it was hopeless.”

“You’ve got so much courage, Merry.”

“Not true. I was scared.” Even though she’d finally raised her face, Merry looked down again. Not just that. Her grip on her knees got a lot tighter. Her shoulder, her back—even her voice was quivering. “I was really scared, to be honest.”

Was there something he should do here? Like put his arm around her shoulder, maybe? Or rub her back? Maybe it would be best to do something in this situation. He couldn’t do it, though, you know?

If it had been Yume he was dealing with, he probably would have. He wasn’t so sure about Shihoru, but it would probably be okay on a case-by-case basis. Like, if she started crying, he’d probably try to do something to comfort her.

Why couldn’t he do that with Merry? Was it because he’d have unwholesome thoughts?

It’s not the time to worry about that, he told himself. Forget about unwholesome thoughts and ulterior motives. Was he an idiot?

“...So, basically, Ranta saved you.”

“Probably.” Merry nodded her head slightly. “It’s Ranta, though. I couldn’t say for sure. It was a lie that he wanted to make me his woman. That much, I’m sure of.”

“Well, yeah...”

In that case, it meant Ranta’s betrayal was a ruse.

Takasagi. The one-armed, one-eyed middle aged man with a pipe in his mouth. Was he the one in charge of keeping an eye on Ranta? That was why he’d had to fight seriously against Haruhiro and the others. Because if he’d held back, Takasagi might have seen through him.

It all added up. There was even a part of Haruhiro that wanted it to be true.

Haruhiro sighed. “Anyway, let’s set the issue of Ranta aside for now. Before that, there are Shihoru and the others. Do we keep waiting here for them, or is it better if we move away from here? It’s questionable if this place is safe. Yeah... That’s right, huh. It’s not impossible that Forgan might come here. It’s best to assume they will, huh.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“Huh? What for?”

“Not being of any use,” Merry said. “I’d hoped I could offer some good advice, but I’ve been shown quite clearly how inexperienced I am as a volunteer soldier.”

“Hey, listen. Could you stop? Don’t be like that.”

Merry turned her head to the side, glancing at Haruhiro. “...Stop?”

“Yeah. I realize this may not sound that persuasive coming from me, but...” Haruhiro lowered his eyes and scratched his head. “Being self-effacing like that, it’s pretty much my specialty. I think, right now, we’re facing a really hard situation. Maybe that’s all the more reason we’ve gotta cut it out. I’m not strong, and I mean that in a lot of ways. But I don’t want to use that weakness as an excuse. I can’t, you know. I mean, no matter how weak or how useless I am, the situation isn’t going to go any easier on me as a result. Honestly, I feel like I’m in no position to tell you this, but let’s stop looking down on ourselves. Both of us.”

“...You’re right.” Merry lifted her head, looking straight up. She gave another little, subdued smile. “It won’t be easy, but I’ve decided to stop. Blaming myself, that is. If you’ll do it, too, Haru.”

“You’re right, it may not be easy, but...” I mean, it’s pretty much baked into who I am, Haruhiro thought as he stood up. “I’m going to head over to the entrance and look outside. You rest.”

“No.” Merry stood up. “We agreed to do it together. Right?”

“...We sure did.”

This is no time to start getting giddy, Haruhiro cautioned himself as he headed towards the entrance with Merry.

The rain didn’t seem like it would let up anytime soon.