Even Then, Love Goes On
What is love? I know I’m in love. I’m sure of that much. But nothing else. I have love. It’s here. Inside of me. It definitely exists. I can feel it. Distinctly. All of the time. I can’t not feel it. But what is love? I’ve thought about that a lot, and I still don’t know. It may not be the kind of thing you can figure out by thinking about it.
I’ve lost someone important to me. I talked to him about love once. Or rather...
“Mimori, I may just be imagining this, but have you got something on your mind? Why don’t we talk about it?”
He said that, and I opened up to him.
I have someone I like, and I always find myself thinking about him, but he’s got another girl he likes, and so my feelings may all be for nothing, so I considered just not liking him anymore, but I do like him, no matter what I do, and it hurts, and I can’t take it anymore, and I don’t know what to do.
“That’s love!” my important person said with a smile. “You’re in love. Love’s great. Really great. Huh, I didn’t realize you liked Haruhiro that much, Mimori. But hey, that’s great. If you’re in love, then love away. It’s not the kind of thing you can stop doing just because someone tells you to. That’s not how love works.”
I like Haruhiro. It’s a feeling I can never erase. This is love. I’m in love.
But nevertheless, I have to ask, “What is love?”
The person I cared about who’s gone now said love can’t be stopped. Even if I want to throw it away, I can’t. I wish it had somewhere to go so it wouldn’t just stay inside of me like this. If there was some way to move forward, I wouldn’t feel so miserable. I simply love, love, love him so much, and I think that should be okay, so why does it hurt so much?
I wished he would be mine. I wanted to make him mine alone.
From the hair on his head, to the fingers on his hands. Every part of him. I love everything about him. There isn’t a single thing I don’t like. My love can always grow, but it never diminishes, so it was impossible for me to not want him. Why do I love him so much? I don’t know. I always come back to that question of why.
I want him to at least be alive. I hope he’s healthy, if nothing else. Okay, that’s a lie. But it’s also the truth.
Be alive. Be out there, breathing somewhere. That isn’t enough for me, but at least give me that.
After losing someone close to me, I thought I’d forget about my love and it would fade away, but it didn’t. If I could tell the person I lost about the feelings I still have, I bet he’d laugh.
“That’s love all right!” he’d say.
I can’t bring myself to think that I have to live his share of life too. I’d never considered what the Tokkis might be like without Tokimune. It had crossed my mind that someday we might lose him. But it had seemed obvious that when that time came, that would be the end for all of us. If anything happened to him, there was no way the rest of us would be all right. We’d smile the best we could and embrace the end. That’s just how we Tokkis are. And that’s nothing to be upset about. It’s how we’ve always lived our lives. It’s how we’ll end them. That’s all. And when I go, my love will go with me.
Or so I thought, but I’m still in love. I want Haruhiro to live. To always be healthy. And please, please...if it’s at all possible, I want him to be happy too.
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