Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 13 - Chapter 3

3. Way of Life

Perhaps she was a worrywart. Always thinking things would go worse and worse. Especially when it came to herself, things would go badly. She couldn’t help but think that way.

In truth, sometimes things went well, and sometimes they didn’t. It went both ways. But the times it went badly were the ones she remembered. They stayed with her, never leaving.

If she reflected back upon the path she’d walked, not everything that had happened along the way made her want to avert her eyes. She understood that perfectly fine. But even when she raised her head, her face remained lowered in her heart.

For now, her actual face was facing down, too.

A droplet of water fell from her hair and landed in her lap.

“Shihoru.”

Hearing her name, Shihoru finally raised her head.

The gentle light of a lamp illuminated the room. The inn itself was like a little castle, and upon first setting foot in this room, she had wondered what kind of princess must live here.

Of course, a princess’s room wouldn’t have had four beds in it. The furniture was minimal, too, and at close examination, the upholstery weren’t especially lavish. It was carefully built, regularly maintained, and kept clean, that was all. But the bed Shihoru was sitting on was soft, and there was a faint pleasant aroma.

How long had it been since she had stayed in such a place? This might very well be the first time.

Merry was standing in front of Shihoru, towels in hand.

“Your hair, it’s still wet,” she said.

“...Oh.” Shihoru touched her hair. It was still rather damp.

Merry sat down next to her, pressing the towel against Shihoru’s head. Her movements were careful, like Merry always tended to be.

You don’t have to, Shihoru was about to say, but she swallowed the words. It was harder for her to accept kindness from others than it was to reject it. That was probably just her personality. Still, she had learned by interacting with friends that if someone wanted to do something for her, and that made them happy, she should let them, even if she wanted to hold back.

Yume didn’t hide her feelings. She didn’t lie. Shihoru was the opposite.

Even if she wanted to, Shihoru couldn’t be like Yume. However, if Yume had snuggled up to her in search of warmth, Shihoru would hug her back and not run away. If Yume had said she liked her, Shihoru would somehow manage to respond, Me, too.

So even if she had trouble conveying how important the people she cared about were to her, Shihoru could still put her heart into her interactions with them.

“Thank you... Merry,” she said slowly.

Merry smiled slightly and kept moving her hands.

Shihoru missed Yume’s boisterousness. Now that she was alone with Merry, neither was particularly talkative, so they didn’t engage in much small talk.

Shihoru didn’t find silence unpleasant. She just worried whether it was okay to keep quiet, and what the person she was with would think. But while Merry spoke when she wanted to, she wasn’t the type to force herself to engage in idle banter for no reason. So when Shihoru was with Merry, even if they weren’t talking, it didn’t feel awkward. They each told the other just what they wanted to, and listened to the words that came back.

“It feels lonely,” Merry suddenly said.

“...Yeah.” Shihoru nodded, and her chest tightened.

Merry felt the same way she did. She’d known that, though.

“It feels really... lonely,” Shihoru said sadly.

“I feel like... Yume was always saving me,” Merry sighed.

“Me, too. Maybe... no, definitely... even more than you, Merry.”

“When she comes back, we’ll have to welcome her with a smile.”

“I might cry...”

“That’s fine, though, isn’t it?”

“I’m... a little angry.” Shihoru hadn’t meant to tell anyone, but the words just slipped out.

Merry let the towel rest on her lap, putting an arm around Shihoru’s back.

Yume was pretty strong, but Merry was soft. For awhile now, Shihoru had assumed Merry was holding back. But she realized now she’d been wrong. This was Merry’s way of doing things, and it was what made her unique.

“I was dumbstruck,” Merry said. “It made me think, ‘Yume’s so funny.’ I realized that all over again.”

“She’s too funny. But I’ll admit, that’s one part of her that, well... I love it.”

The tears felt ready to flow, but they didn’t. It was because Merry was staying with her.

“So, it never occurred to me she would go away...” Shihoru mourned. “I’m so creepy... I have this part of me. The way I’m so quick to depend on others.”

“It’s probably because Yume trusts you, Shihoru,” Merry said comfortingly. “Even if she’s away for a while, she’s sure you’ll be fine.”

“Do you think Yume ever doubts her friends and comrades?” Shihoru ventured.

“I don’t think so,” Merry replied immediately, and she laughed.

Shihoru found that funny, too. “I know, right?”

“Even if she gets stronger, Yume will always be Yume. That’s the feeling I have.”

“She might change more than we think, you know...”

“Even if she does, that’d be so like her. I might just be fine with anything, in the end. As long as Yume is all right, and we can see her again in half a year, that’s enough...”

Merry’s right hand was on Shihoru’s hip. Her left hand was playing with the towel above her knees.

“I guess... you’re right.”

Shihoru reached out with her right hand, grabbing Merry’s left hand. She must not have expected it, because for a moment, Merry’s body tensed. Still, even if she had tried to shake her off, Shihoru would have held on and not let go.

“Because you’re here with me like this, I’m all right,” Shihoru said. “No matter what happens, you’re you.”

Merry hung her head, thinking about something.

No matter how much they acknowledged one another, no matter how much they closed the distance, all people were separate. Shihoru hadn’t been able to see through Yume’s resolution. When it came to what was going on in Merry’s head, she could only guess there, too.

Still, she could make the attempt. Even if she couldn’t understand everything, she could at least tell Merry was deeply worried, and something was tormenting her.

Shihoru couldn’t fix Merry’s troubles. It might be difficult for her to even provide useful advice. Shihoru’s very existence might not even be much help to Merry.

But—

I’m here, Shihoru thought. Even if you say you don’t need me, I can’t hate the friend I’ve trusted with my life, and no matter what happens, I won’t give up. I’m clingy, and can be pretty creepy if I do say so myself, but there’s no helping that. I mean, that’s part of who I am.

“I’m glad,” Merry said in a whisper, holding Shihoru’s hand back.

What was she glad about? Shihoru chose not to ask, only imagining.

I should delve deeper, she thought. But she wouldn’t do what she couldn’t. She had her own pace, and couldn’t become a person she wasn’t.

When she’d first come to Grimgar, she hadn’t even been able to measure her own steps. But little by little, stumbling forward, she’d at last begun to find herself. Lately, that was how Shihoru felt.

That was all the more reason why she was worried about Merry, who sometimes seemed to have lost herself. Holding her hand like this was all Shihoru could do. For anything more—

It can’t be me, Shihoru thought. Haruhiro-kun. Probably... you’re the only one who can do it. Do you understand that?

Suddenly the door opened, and Shihoru panicked. Merry sort of jolted away a bit, and Shihoru realized a moment later that she didn’t really need to have panicked like that.

Setora came into the room.

Surprisingly, this inn had some impressively large gender-segregated baths. But it would be careless to leave the room empty, so Shihoru and Merry had gone to bathe first. Setora had stayed in the room while they did, then gone off to bathe alone, so now she was returning.

“Y-You... didn’t take long,” Shihoru said.

“Oh. Is that right?” Setora wiped her hair with a towel as she walked over to a different bed from the one Shihoru and Merry were sitting on. She took a seat herself.

They had all changed into cotton clothes bought in Vele’s marketplace. They were simple garments that opened at the front, and unless they tied a belt around them, they easily fell open. They only went down to the knee, too, so they were a little exposed. Shihoru could never have gone for a walk like this.

Setora lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. She took a breath. It might not actually have been the case, but Shihoru had the impression she knew what Setora was thinking.

She must feel uneasy right now.

When it came to Setora, there was always a wall between them. This place, the Golden Goatfish Inn, was a rather luxurious inn, and each room was five silver a night. That said, they had enough money to afford some luxury, and rather than getting just one room for the guys and one for the girls, they could have gotten individual rooms for everyone. Shihoru hadn’t felt the need, but Setora surely felt constrained, so she should have done that.

“Let me just say this.” Setora opened her mouth. “When it comes to the fact that I haven’t managed to fit in with you people, you might think that I am not particularly concerned... but that is not the case.”

Merry let out a slight, “...Eh?” and tilted her head to the side.

It took Shihoru some time to register what Setora had said.

Setora lifted her legs. The hem of her garment slid, leaving her shapely legs completely revealed. What was she doing? She was slowly raising and lowering each of her legs. Was it an exercise?

“I am not good at getting along with others,” Setora said. “Is that a poor way of expressing it? The practice of deepening my relationship with other people is one that I have hardly ever engaged in. Never, perhaps. Unlike golems and nyaas, the creatures known as people are difficult to handle. This may be a poor way of expressing it, too. Yes, I suspect so. I am not good at being considerate in the way I speak...”

Shihoru wondered if, for a start, she should tell her that when you’re trying to word something delicately and be considerate, you don’t tell the other person that’s what you’re doing. Still, it seemed Setora was doing her best to try and be considerate, in her own way, and that didn’t feel bad.

“Um...” Shihoru said hesitantly. “Come to think of it, where is the nyaa?”

“Kiichi? He’s exploring the city, I think. That one’s a bundle of curiosity. It’s unusual for a nyaa. Wild nyaas are not creatures that try to leave their own territory, after all.”

“They’re not suited to traveling?” Merry asked.

Setora stopped raising and lowering her legs. “...No. Not in their natural state. The nyaas kept by the village are used to moving, but they still mark the place they sleep with their own scent. It seems they can’t relax otherwise.”

Merry nodded, satisfied with the answer. She might have tried to think of another question, but she apparently couldn’t come up with one. Shihoru had nothing, either.

Setora went to raise her legs again, but stopped midway. She was left staring up at the ceiling with her knees up.

The silence continued for a fairly long time. Of course, perhaps it only felt long to Shihoru, and it wasn’t in fact that long at all.

“I selfishly brought them with me from the village, and let a large number of nyaas die.” Setora covered her face with both hands, letting out a sigh. “I am a bad master. I broke Enba, too. I’m not sure I can fix him. I’ve no intention of returning to the village for now, so there’s little hope of it.”

Shihoru and Merry looked at one another.

What now? Shihoru wondered. What... do you think we should do?

Yume would have reassured Setora without hesitating. Whether or not the person was one of their comrades, whether or not they were even of the same race, none of that mattered to Yume. She could sympathize with others, and if she felt something, she was quick to admit it.

Shihoru, and also Merry, couldn’t indiscriminately care for others the way Yume did.

“With humans...” Was Setora crying? Her voice wasn’t trembling. It was fixed and emotionless, as usual. “...they have a public face, and a private one. They hide their true feelings behind a facade. They lie. Easily. Even to themselves. I thought it was unsettling as a child, but not so much now. Everyone has things they want to protect, and they’re all desperate. It’s just that I can’t deal with all of that. I’m not interested enough... or so I thought. I had Enba, I was surrounded by nyaas, and that was enough. It should have been enough. Did I make a mistake? Well, I have no regrets.”

Setora paused for a moment.

“I hadn’t realized it, but once I left the village, I was glad to be free of it. The village was constraining, but I had never thought of leaving. Now, I find that strange. I wonder why. Why did I never try to leave the village? Was I afraid? Uncertain? ...Regardless, I have now left the village. I have no desire to return. Unless I go back, I cannot rebuild Enba. Still, I do not want to return. I feel bad for Enba, but not bad for me. How should I say this? I feel alive. I’ve never felt so alive.”

“Is it fun?” Merry asked, and Setora removed her hands from her face.

“...Fun. It might be, or it might not. Despite having lost Enba and the nyaas, I’m not all that disheartened. There is not much I am dissatisfied about.”

“But... there are some things?” Shihoru asked hesitantly.

Setora was monologuing at them, and Merry and Shihoru were just asking questions to confirm what she was saying. It felt like an awkward form of communication, but this was likely the best they could do at the moment.

“...Yes,” Setora said. “I might call it a dissatisfaction. To be blunt, there are times when I feel something like a sense of exclusion. I think, most likely, I am indeed feeling excluded. Having been shunned by the house I was born into, I am used to it, so it’s not that much of an issue. From the time I was born, I was defiant, not submitting to the house as I should have. I knew what would happen as a result, but I did not want to be my parents’ slave, and I would not give in to the ways of the village. Now... I am not so stubborn as I was back then. Though, that said, I am not seeking a compromise from you. To give an example, I find Haru pleasing, but I will not ask that he find me pleasing in return. That would be the wrong approach. Even if I were to force him to obey me somehow, his heart would not turn towards me. Just as I never obeyed my own house. That is because, priest... Merry... Haru, he loves you.”

To think she’d actually come out and say that now! Shihoru looked at Merry out of the corner of her eye.

Merry had gone stiff. A statue. She had turned into a statue.

It was hard to imagine she hadn’t known, but, in a way, Merry might be even more dense than Yume about those sorts of things, so Shihoru wanted to feel her out to be sure.

I just want to be like, “Hey, your feeling are reciprocated, you know.” If I did that, how would Merry respond? She might say, “Why?” with a look of surprise on her face.

They were always together, so she forgot sometimes, but Merry was so beautiful that people found her difficult to approach. She was shapely, too, and honestly, Shihoru was jealous of that, but being so different from the norm must have come with its own troubles.

It seemed Merry had little experience with romance, was disinterested, and was also rather dense. Haruhiro-kun, too. Not only was he not super experienced, he was kind of juvenile, maybe?

Did that mean they were both still children emotionally, then?

Shihoru had begun to suspect, if they were left to their own devices, that maybe things would never go anywhere.

Should I do something? How would I even go about trying?

Shihoru wasn’t exactly experienced herself. Actually, all she had to work with was a one-sided crush and her fantasies, so she wasn’t likely to be much help.

Setora sighed, then mumbled to herself, “...Things just don’t work out.”

“I know, right?” Shihoru agreed, looking over at Merry, who was still completely frozen up.

Honestly, all sorts of things aren’t working out. It feels like I’m walking an endless tightrope, and sometimes jumping down from it would be easier. But I probably never will.

Shihoru had too many things she wouldn’t want to let go of that easily. No matter how she treasured them, she could lose them at any moment. Now might be the only time that she could keep holding on to them.

Yume has her own way of living, so I think she had to go away, Shihoru reflected. But I want to see you, Yume. Even though we only just parted, I want to see you so badly.

“So, to sum things up, each of us are burdened with our own personal issues,” Setora said, smiling just a little.

Without a word, Shihoru mentally added:

Yeah—and we’re alive.