Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 11 - Chapter 6

6. Keep Up Appearances

I’m coughing all of a sudden. Could I be sick? Like, with something really bad? No? Yeah, probably not. It’s just a cough. There’s no meaning behind it. It’s a cough without meaning. A meaningless cough. —Wait, why am I thinking this boring stuff? I’m such a moron.

Ranta was really bothered for some reason, and he looked left, then right.

He rubbed his eyes. Doing that wouldn’t make him see any better, though.

“It’s pretty dark...”

Judging by the color of the sky peeking through the trees, the sun still shouldn’t have set. Despite that, the deep forest of Thousand Valley was enveloped in fog.

I’m not scared. Well, no. No matter how many nights I spend alone, it’s impossible to wipe away the fear and uncertainty. There’s no point in acting tough. It’s not like anyone is watching. I could put up a strong front, but it wouldn’t mean a thing.

“Kehe...” Zodiac-kun the demon let out a slight laugh behind him.

He’d have given the demon a piece of his mind, as he had in the past, but now it didn’t even bother him that much. Demons acted like another person with their own personality, but that was by no means what they were. It was said that revelations from Skullhell were reflected in a demon’s actions. However, the demon was fundamentally a mirror of their dread knight, an extension of them. Even if a demon looked wildly different from their dread knight, they were merely a surfacing of a hidden facet of their dread knight, or a part of themselves they didn’t know.

“Eehehe... Trip... Trip now... Trip and fall right there... Trip and die...”

“Nah, but I don’t feel that way about myself, you know?” Ranta said. “There’s no way I would, right?”

“...”

“I’m getting the silent treatment, huh?”

“...”

“Just disappear already. Get lost. No, that was a lie. I was lying, okay? Don’t you disappear on me, all right?”

“What... should I do...? Kehe...”

“Command: Don’t disappear.”

“Tch...”

“What, why the ominous tongue click...?”

Zodiac seemed dissatisfied, but the demon didn’t up and disappear.

When a lord in the Alterna dread knights’ guild had demonstrated how to control a demon, Ranta faintly remembered them using the word “Command” to make it obey. It seemed to be effective when he tried it, so he had been using it from time to time.

A demon was subservient to their dread knight. If the demon disobeyed, it would be nothing other than proof that the dread knight couldn’t control himself. By extension, that would mean he didn’t understand himself.

After all, because the demon was himself, it was unthinkable that he would be unable to understand it.

Naturally, Ranta had a full grasp of himself. It was impossible he wouldn’t be able to make himself do as he wanted. He felt like he’d long since convinced himself of that, past the point of any doubt. That had to be proof that he hadn’t understood himself in the slightest. He hadn’t thought deeply about it. Probably, he hadn’t wanted to.

I’m me. The me right here is 100% me. Isn’t that enough?

But what do I mean, 100%? What do I mean, me? Who the hell do I think I am? Who? There’s no way I can answer that. I mean, I don’t really get me. I’ve never been able to see myself.

What was I looking at before now? If I wasn’t even able to see myself, then what about others? Like, was I accurately judging Haruhiro and the rest? Didn’t I just have a warped perception of them, decided by what was convenient for me?

That’d be part of me, too... is what I guess that means, though. That’s the kind of person I am. Self-centered, selfish, and unrepentant. Why am I like this?

In the end, it may be that I don’t expect anything from other people. You guys, I’m sure none of you liked me anyway, right? I knew that all along. Like, you’d never like me, would you?

Yume, Shihoru, and Merry hated me. I never once thought they were only pretending to hate me, and maybe they actually did like me. I never once thought they were only pretending to hate me, and maybe they actually did like me.

Kuzaku didn’t like me, either. Well, he hated me pretty badly. I put up with that a bit, since he was younger and less experienced, but if not for that, I’d have pushed back harder.

I was only with Manato for a really short time, but I’m still left with the feeling he was doing a good job of handling me. He was a smart man. He probably thought it was a mistake to let his like or dislike of me cloud his judgment, and was used to controlling his emotions. That’s the type he was. That was easy on me.

Moguzo was a mystery. No, there was nothing mysterious about him. It’s just that he was a rare breed, so I found him mysterious.

He was a nice guy. A really good guy. He put others before himself, never butting in where he didn’t belong, and was just trying his hardest. He went a little beyond his limits for his comrades, and he died for it. That fight with Zoran Zesh at Deadhead Watching Keep. If Moguzo hadn’t been there, Renji, Kajiko, and the Wild Angels would have been in trouble. At the very least, a number of them would probably have died. Maybe every volunteer soldier there would have been wiped out.

Moguzo must have understood that, so he had to do it. If he hadn’t dug in his heels there, everyone would’ve been dead. He threw his life away for all of us. That was the kind of guy he was. I don’t think Moguzo hated me. I seriously believe that. I did a lot of stuff that it would be no wonder if he’d hated me for, but that guy wouldn’t hate the comrades he fought alongside.

Then, there was Haruhiro.

He hated me, obviously. It’s no exaggeration to say he detested me for being the troublesome dread knight. He did a good job putting up with me, though. It goes beyond the level where I can be impressed, and instead it’s just exasperating. Was he stupid? I mean, seriously, that guy. He has to be a total masochist.

I don’t think I went out of my way to make trouble for Haruhiro. That wasn’t my intention, but I never tried to make everything easier for him, either. I was always like, “You adapt to me. So that things are easier for me, you sort things out properly, and get a proper environment together. Make it so I can feel good about putting my awesome powers to use. You’re the leader, aren’t you? If you’re the leader, this should be a given. That’s what we have a leader for, after all. The ability to adjust? Basically, that’s everything.”

Well, Parupiro, you know what? I’m sure it’s hard on you, too, but them’s the breaks, right? It’s not like it’s easy for me. Your luck ran out when you took on the role of leader. Give it up. Or work hard. It’s not my problem. I’m not you. No one else can be me, and no one else can be you. We’re all alone after all, right?

Man, some guy I am. For someone who doesn’t expect things of other people, I leave things up to them entirely, and then expect them to baby me.

“Not that reflecting on it at this point is gonna do me any good...” he muttered.

“Ehe... Hehehe... You inferior monkey who can’t reflect on your failures... Hehehe...”

Ranta turned back and glared at Zodiac-kun. The demon was wearing that thing again, damn it. It had a purple sheet-like thing over its head. Its two eyes were like holes, and there was a gash-like mouth beneath them. In its right hand it held a knife, and in its left hand a club. Even though the demon was floating, it had two all-too-real legs growing out of it.

“Like, didn’t you turn from Zodiac-kun into Zodie...?” Ranta complained.

“Kehe... When you haven’t made any offerings... don’t get uppity... Be quiet and die forever...”

“Command: Don’t tell me to die.”

“...Discorporate.”

“Synonyms aren’t okay either, all right?”

“...Get killed.”

“Using a passive is the same thing, damn it.”

“Where did the you who loved freedom pass on to... Ranta...?”

“With freedom comes responsibility. Also, don’t subtly work in a reference to me passing away.”

“Heh... Heheheh... Responsibility, huh... That’s the word that suits you the least...”

“Even now, when I’ve ended up like this taking responsibility for my own actions?”

“Do you regret it, Ranta...? How cheeky of you... Ehehe...”

“No. I don’t regret it.”

“Trying to act tough... Kehehe...”

“I’m seriously not trying to act tough,” Ranta shot back. “There are probably a whole bunch of things I’d never’ve realized if this hadn’t happened. I won’t go as far as to say this was for the best, but I’m satisfied with it. No matter what happens to me from here on, the one thing I won’t do is regret it.”

“He...”

“Was I too cool there?”

“...Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.”

“You’re puking?!”

That was his demon, all right. It never forgot its sense of humor. A sense of humor was essential for any man. With humor came composure. Women were drawn to men who were composed over men who were on edge. Not that there are any women around, though.

Should he rest? Or keep going?

He questioned that every few dozen minutes. Few dozen minutes? Was it more frequent? Maybe it was every few minutes. He couldn’t track the time, so he didn’t know.

When night approached, the forest got loud. It hadn’t exactly been quiet during the day, but the noisiness at night was different. He couldn’t see in the dark, so his sense of hearing was likely heightened. He became sensitive to every noise. He was almost wholly reliant on sounds.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk,” Ranta said in an undertone. “Hey, Zodiac-kun. Command: Shut up unless you sense something really bad coming.”

Once he made Zodiac-kun shut its mouth, the unceasing sounds of the forest pressed in on his ears even more.

Sounds. Sounds. He couldn’t let himself be batted around by the onrushing sounds.

Listen, and sort them out, he told himself. It’s extremely hard to, but I have to do it. What am I hearing close by? My own footsteps. The chirping of insects. That’s about it, huh. What is that high-pitched fii, fii, fii, fii I’m hearing the cry of? I dunno. How about that cah, cah, cah, cacacacacacah noise? How should I know? I’m no professor of nighttime forests.

This pisses me off. Sure, I’m a dread knight, not a professor of nighttime forests. Besides, what’s a professor of nighttime forests, anyway? No, but still, if it’s necessary, I’ll become a professor of nighttime forests, or whatever I have to be. I have to. Or maybe I don’t? I dunno.

Is it reckless pressing on when it’s this dark, after all? I’m at my limit, right? This is clearly dangerous. Maybe I should rest? If I go to sleep, when I wake up, it’ll be morning. Well, if something happens while I’m sleeping, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. The old man has to be sleeping by now, too, right? Is he even after me still? The old man’s goal was to bring me back, I mean, and I have no intention of going. In that case, wouldn’t he decide he’d had enough and head back? If he has, there’s no need to rush. I can take it easy and prioritize safety as I go.

It’s no good.

I’m scared.

This is damn scary!

Too damn scary, okay?! My heart’s racing like crazy! I’ve never been this scared before! Why?!

“...Oh.”

Up until now, he had been on the run. He had been trying not to get caught, of course, and he’d been afraid whenever he sensed a pursuer, but it was Takasagi and his people he had been up against. They wouldn’t just up and kill him without talking first. That had been his view, and, as a matter of fact, it turned out he’d been right.

And so, as long as Takasagi and his men were chasing him, Ranta had, in a way, not been alone. At the very least, he hadn’t had a sense of how truly, hopelessly alone he was.

In the vastness of Thousand Valley, which was likely filled with dangers, he didn’t even know what direction he was heading in.

Besides, where was he headed, and what was he trying to do?

He was sort of thinking, I guess I’ll head back to Alterna. But he had no precise idea what he’d do when he got there.

If I run into Renji, maybe he’ll let me join his party, was one vague thought he had. I turned him down once. Maybe that’s not gonna happen.

Could he get back? To Alterna?

In this situation, with no basis to think so, he wasn’t stupid enough to confidently believe, Yeah, I’ll bet I can.

This was solitude.

He was truly alone without a friend in the world.

He wanted to rest. In order to recover his stamina, and to keep his risk level to a minimum, it was best if he did. He didn’t need to sleep. He just had to lie down, or even sit. He knew that in his head.

But he couldn’t rest.

If he stopped, he’d probably go crazy. At the bare minimum, he’d cry. Or rather, Ranta had started to tear up at some point. He was embarrassed by it, but he’d started weeping. No, he didn’t have the composure to feel embarrassed.

He could only keep his demon materialized for thirty minutes consecutively. Before he noticed it, Zodiac-kun had vanished, and he wanted to scream.

If you’re going away, tell me! Tell me before you disappear!

Through sobs, he hurriedly recast Demon Call. Zodiac-kun did as Ranta had instructed, and the demon continued to avoid unnecessary talk. Ranta had given the order himself, so he couldn’t complain. If he rescinded the command, it would be admitting defeat.

No, that wasn’t the problem. If he carried on his comedy routine-like banter with Zodiac-kun, well, it would distract him, but in a way it was like he was playing both the silly man and the straight man, and that felt empty.

No, no, that wasn’t the problem. It was more like... Wait, why had he ordered Zodiac-kun not to talk in the first place? He couldn’t quite remember anymore, but a man never went back on his word, and his pride wouldn’t allow him to admit he was lonely and to ask Zodiac-kun to let loose with a funny story or two.

That’s right. If the Zodiac-kun asked me, I’d be willing to oblige, but I can’t let myself be the one to bow my head. Besides, my demon is like a part of me, so it’s strange to think about who’s asking who for things... In other words, can’t Zodiac-kun guess at my feelings and hit me with a gag? Well, why not? Huh? How about it? I’m asking a question here. No, I guess I’m not asking, huh. I’m not asking. Even without me asking, you should figure it out. Figure it out, please. Why won’t you figure it out? I’m sad. This is tough. Seriously, seriously tough...

It had gotten a bit brighter, and he had a better grasp of the outlines of the trees and terrain. In that one night, he felt like he’d aged twenty, maybe thirty years. That was how thoroughly exhausted he felt.

“I guess that mean... I’m safe...?” he murmured.

No. It was too soon to decide that. The night wasn’t even over yet.

One more push.

He was almost there.

Almost where? What’s going to happen?

Even if the morning did come, there was no guarantee he’d be safe. When was he going to be able to rest?

Anytime. If he was prepared to accept whatever the consequences were, he could rest anywhere and in any way he wanted.

It’s just a matter of being prepared to accept it. But that means giving up. No, it means pivoting. I’ve come this far. I’m at my limit. Keeping my feet moving forward is more pain than I can bear. I never knew a single step could be so taxing. I should rest. If I don’t, I’ll collapse. I have no other choice.

Make the decision, and let myself rest. I’m sure it’ll be fine. The things I’m worried about won’t happen. I’ll take a quick nap, and when I’m feeling better, I’ll be able to move again.

He stopped.

“All right...”

Even his voice was weak.

See? There’s no choice but to rest now.

He tried to sit down on the ground.

“Heh... Ranran...”

“...Huh?”

Hearing his name being called, he turned back. Who’re you calling Ranran? he wanted to say, but now wasn’t the time.

Zodiac-kun was trying to do an about-face.

Ranta reacted by quickly using Exhaust. Right afterward, or more like at the exact same time, Zodiac-kun was pinned to the ground by something.

Whatever it was, it had come from close by, leaping out of the bushes behind Ranta and Zodiac-kun to attack the demon. Before Zodiac-kun could fight back, it dug its fangs into the area near the demon’s hole-like eyes.

When a demon received a lethal amount of damage, it crumbled away as easily as a sandcastle. That happened, and their assailant might have been surprised by that. But it quickly assumed a low posture and came in Ranta’s direction.

What was that thing?

A beast? It’s blackish. No, it’s spotted. Is it a wolf? No, it’s a cat? Is it a leopard or something?

Oh, damn. It’s fast.

He had no sword. He’d lost it in the fight with Takasagi. This was beyond bad.

Ranta pulled his spare knife while backing away further with Exhaust, but what was he supposed to do with a weapon like this?

He used Exhaust again.

It’s no good. I can’t pull away. Not only that, it’s getting closer fast. It’s on a different level from a human or orc. It’s too fast. It’s no good. I can’t run away.

Ranta was totally losing it. That was probably why.

“Ngah...?!”

It was a tree. He slammed his back into a tree. What a blunder.

It was coming. The leopard. It was probably a leopard. It roared and pounced at him.

It pinned him. The pressure was incredible. He was pressed to the ground. He couldn’t move his arms.

Ranta was wearing a helmet. Its movable visor flew off. It looked like the leopard had torn it off with its bite.

“Ohhhhhhhhh...?!”

What came next was crazy. It tried to bite his face. Ranta instinctively twisted his neck. The leopard ended up biting his head, not his face.

“Ohhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhhhh...?!”

It was gnawing on it. His helmet. Yes. His helmet. Somehow his helmet was holding back the leopard’s fangs.

No...?

“Yowch?!”

It hurts?

It hurts when you do that, okay?

“Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh, nooooooooooooo...?!”

His helmet. Under the immense power of its fangs. Its fangs had probably punctured the helmet. Those fangs were sinking into Ranta’s head. Maybe not that deeply just yet, but it hurt so they were definitely stabbing into him. Also, his helmet seemed ready to crumple, or it already had started to, and his neck felt like it was going to break.

I’m dead. I am so dead here. It’s gonna eat me.

“I-I-I-I-I’m not tasty, so h-h-hold on, don’t eat me, don’t eat me, don’t eat me! Don’t eat me, uwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...?!” He was starting to panic.

Calm down, he told himself. Right now, it’s time to take a chill pill. I don’t think I could pop a pill now, but it’s a figure of speech.

“Ah! Ahhhh! O Darkness, O Lord of Vice, Dread Terror...!”

A purplish haze arose, and it was sucked into the leopard’s nose and mouth.

The effect was instant. The leopard jumped away from Ranta.

Ranta immediately rolled to the side and got on all fours. He jumped with Leap Out.

While fleeing, he turned back to look at the leopard. The leopard let out a cat-like yowl as it jumped around. It was like there was something dreadful in front of it, and it was trying to sweep whatever it was away with its front legs. That was how it looked.

Terrifying the target with menace of the dark god Skullhell, and robbing it of its ability to make proper decisions. Dread Terror was working. It would be perfect if he could run away now, but things probably weren’t going to be that easy.

The leopard roared and turned his way. It was coming. In no time, it came after him at top speed.

Could this be heading in the direction of him dying, maybe?

To use dread magic, he had to stop. If he stopped, it would catch up to him in an instant, and he’d be pushed down. Intercepting it was a no-go. That leopard was bigger than Ranta. He wouldn’t stand a chance with this knife.

The leopard probably lacked stamina, so if he could keep running, he could probably aim to tire it out, but it was fast. The leopard was too fast. It would catch him soon. There was only one thing to do.

For the leopard, Ranta was prey. It must have been trying to eat him. It was hungry. It wanted to eat. In that case, he just had to feed it. Yeah. It could have an arm.

All right, I’ve decided. It’s so I can survive. This is a cheap price. No big deal. I’ll live. I’m gonna live. Steel myself, keep my head cool, focus on how to survive, and make my choice. I’ll damn well do it. I can do this. Believe.

He came to a sudden stop. The leopard was almost upon him. It was right in front of his nose, you could say.

Missing.

He made it look like he’d go right, then went left.

The leopard followed him with almost no confusion. Seriously? Those were some serious natural instincts.

One more time, Missing. This time he feinted right, then went left.

Hold out, legs!

The leopard was shaken to the right a bit, but it still followed him closely.

“Hah...!”

This wasn’t Leap Out or Exhaust. Ranta twisted his body as he leapt pretty much straight up. Not high, but low and sharp.

He’d have the onrushing leopard go past him. No, that wasn’t it.

He grabbed on to the cougar’s back.

He was ready to sacrifice an arm if need be, but he wasn’t about to give it up from the get-go.

Ranta wrapped his arm around the leopard’s neck, holding onto its torso with both his legs. He stabbed his knife into the side of its neck. He tried to dig in deep, but the leopard yelped and jumped. It slammed, back first, into a nearby tree.

The one who took the direct damage from that was Ranta, who was clinging to its back. The impact. He came close to blacking out.

I won’t let go. I’m not going anywhere.

“Ngahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!”

He moved the knife.

Die. Die. Die, damn it.

The leopard flailed around, pawing at Ranta’s left arm. Its claws. Their power was incredible.

His left arm was torn loose.

Now was the time—not to be stubborn.

Get away, he thought. He rolled, then got up. The leopard pounced.

He fled with Exhaust and Missing, somehow managing to get away, but the leopard hadn’t slowed at all. It was as if that neck wound didn’t so much as itch.

Ranta pulled off his crushed helmet, threw it at the leopard, and jumped with Exhaust. This was getting to be pretty taxing on his legs. How far could he go? He’d have to see. Because determination alone wasn’t going to be enough.

This was the time to look for a way to turn things around, but he didn’t have one. One more time. He’d have to do the same thing again. If it was just once more, he could manage somehow. Once he couldn’t move properly, he’d have to make sacrifices.

He wasn’t straining himself. It wasn’t any sort of pathetic determination, either. This was a clear crisis, a life or death situation, and he was standing on the edge, but he was strangely relaxed.

If he weren’t, he’d have been shocked senseless when a long, thin object dropped from above. It was devoured by the leopard.

Naturally, Oh, he was surprised, but he was nicely relaxed, so he was able to react immediately. That long object was stabbed into the ground right in front of Ranta’s fingertips. It was a katana.

The instant Ranta cast aside his knife, he pulled the katana from the ground. Pulling the hilt back to his left ear, he held it with both hands. His right foot forward, his left foot in back.

The leopard was close. Too damn close.

He moved his left foot forward, turning his wrist as he swung diagonally down and to the right.

He felt it hit something.

The leopard went past his right side, close enough it may or may not have touched him, and collapsed.

“This katana...” Ranta murmured.

In front of him on the left, it wasn’t fit to be called a hill, but there was a sharp swell in the ground there.

Someone had thrown him this katana from up there. He could only imagine that was the case. There was no way something so convenient would just rain down from the sky, so he could say the chances of it being anything else were nil.

He knew it would be pointless, but Ranta clambered up the slope.

It wasn’t pointless. There was no one there, but there was a discarded katana sheathe.

Ranta crouched and reached for the sheathe. He grasped it, and his knees gave out.

He let out a silent sob.

Don’t cry.

I can’t shed tears.

Hold it in with everything I’ve got, and breathe.

“That old man...”

He tried to laugh, but it didn’t work out.

“What an idiot...”