IS IT WRONG TO FAKE AN ACCIDENT TO TRY TO PICK UP GIRLS IN THE DUNGEON?
It happened during my long nights of torturous training under Master’s tutelage, which were blending together, and I was beginning to lose track of time. In our room at the fancy hotel we were using, the fair-featured elf turned to me and said these words:
“We’re going into the Dungeon.”
“Hweh…?”
My mind tattered and worn, I could barely muster a feeble noise in response.
Hedin has been remaking me…
No, more like domesticating me…
No, more like reincarnating me…
Whatever, remaking is good enough.
In any case, he has been drilling into me what he calls “the absolute bare minimum of how you should treat a woman,” from forging the correct mental attitude to taking the initiative in every encounter. His training has been going on for forty-eight hours straight now, and his lessons are so intense they put Eina’s to shame.
Of course, I have not been given a wink of sleep in that time, but Hedin mocked my weakness, saying that a Level 4 should be able to go five days straight without issue. Then, all of a sudden, he dragged me down to the Dungeon to “practice” taking the lead.
“Um, Master? Why do we need to be in the Dungeon for this…?”
“Because, you mindless simpleton, if you were to philander around on the surface, as I’m sure is your wont, word of your frivolous behavior would undoubtedly reach the delicate ears of Lady Syr. Would you really want to be responsible for breaking a young lady’s heart before the rendezvous has even begun? Even you can’t be that much of a churl.”
“Right…Sorry…”
“Perhaps this fact has not gotten through your thick rabbit skull yet, but for whatever reason, this entire city finds you hopelessly enamoring. Even a complete nitwit such as yourself should be able to understand how fast word of your misconduct will spread.”
“Yes…I wasn’t thinking…”
Hedin’s relentless stream of insults leaves me unable to do anything but weakly apologize. Does the dignity of man mean nothing to him…?
“But still…the Dungeon?” I ask. “It’s just not what I expected. That’s all. I mean, how do you even know which monsters are female?”
“Are you deliberately being obtuse, you little worm?”
“Eep!!”
Master’s expertise in psychological torture is matched only by his propensity for corporal punishment, and as his kick to my waist mercilessly knocks me into the wall, I can only think, Hey, at least my defense must have skyrocketed since this training began!
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I plead, splayed out on the ground. “But…if I’m not hitting on monsters, then…”
“Precisely,” says Hedin, pushing the bridge of his glasses up his nose. “For the next three days, in addition to the monsters, you shall be hunting for women.”
“Huh?!”
“Get your mind out of the gutter, you filthy little rabbit!”
“Bwah! I-I’m sorryyy!!”
After a second kick makes me crumple to the ground, Hedin peers down at me as though I were a simple beast, incapable of conscious thought.
“We shall be turning adventurers of the fairer sex into your training dummies.”
I’m a little disturbed by how shamelessly he said that, but I nod in understanding.
Picking up from what Master said earlier, behavior that might cause a stir on the surface is unlikely to make many waves down here. While news travels fast, disputes between adventurers are almost expected, so at the very least, even if I slip up and word gets out, it shouldn’t rise above the realm of tavern talk. Syr will be unlikely to hear of it before the festival begins. My fellow adventurers, on the other hand…
“Erm…so am I supposed to just talk to every female adventurer I see?”
“What a load of inefficient rubbish. Have you not realized why I brought you here?”
We are currently on the thirteenth floor—the first of what people call the Dungeon’s middle floors, in a place known as the Cave Labyrinth.
“Of all the areas in the Dungeon, which do you suppose sees the most casualties?”
“Oh, erm…the upper floors?”
“Correct. Novice adventurers, those without talent, those who fail to put in the effort, the arrogant, the impatient, and the simply unlucky all meet an early death on these floors.”
Relieved beyond belief that I’ve apparently given a satisfactory answer, I follow Master as he sets off.
Of course, he’s right. The upper floors are where most adventurers die. It’s said that nearly half of Orario’s adventurer population are lower-class, and many accidents occur on floors one through twelve. Of course, the danger ramps up from floor thirteen onward, but by then, the upper floors have already filtered out those prone to making basic mistakes.
As Miss Eina put it, the sample size is simply much greater. Mistakes on the lower floors may be far deadlier, but slipping up on the upper floors is overwhelmingly more common. That’s how I interpret it at least.
“Then if you ignore the upper floors, on which floor do you think the most accidents occur?”
“That would be…around here, on the middle floors?”
“I asked for a floor, you ignorant rabbit. Don’t hedge your bets with me!”
Without even turning around, Hedin flicks a pebble that strikes me directly on the forehead! Ignoring my injured wails, Master speaks, as if filling in for an incompetent student.
“The answer,” he says, “is precisely where the difficulty spikes after getting past the upper floors. That is right here, on floor thirteen.”
Hedin strides through the halls of the Dungeon as though it’s his very own backyard.
“Your training dummies shall be the poor women doomed to misery upon this very floor.”
“Huh?”
“Due to the danger, your perceived value will start off strong, so it should be no problem at all to lure your target into a date.”
At last, I finally understand Hedin’s plan. Unlike some of the gods, I could never dream of hitting on complete strangers—or even women I know, for that matter—but in a situation where she’s already primed to trust me, then maybe I stand a chance.
…I just realized I’m actually picking up girls in a Dungeon. If only old Bell could see me now…
“The upper floors are more crowded, and the risk of detection is higher,” Hedin explains. “However, the more pertinent reason we’ve come down this far is that the upper floors are frequently populated by empty-headed narcissists with no personality. To even hypothetically use one of those women as a stand-in for Lady Syr would be beyond insulting.”
He’s the one being insulting…
“Not that your head is much fuller, but at the very least you aren’t a complete lost cause. The kinds of women who roam the middle floors should be moderately impressed.”
And now he’s insulting me…
My heart is steadily being gouged out, but I understand Hedin’s plan now. And I also understand why we’re walking the beaten path. This is the shortest route to the next floor, and as a result, it’s where most adventurers congregate. Even those looking to stay on this floor and farm excelia generally don’t stray too far so that they can call for help from their fellow adventurers if need be.
With the Goddess Festival only three days away, it’s more important than ever to avoid unwanted attention. It’s clear that Hedin chose this place with that in mind.
But isn’t this kind of exploitative? These people are trying their best, and we’re just…
“Wipe that stupid look off your face. Here one comes now.”
“…!”
As my guilt threatens to swallow me up before we’ve even begun, Hedin’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. He darts into the shadows, and I hastily follow, and before long, we see a party of four coming down the path toward us.
“Two male humans, one male half-elf, and a female elf,” Hedin remarks. “Perfect.”
“H-how is that perfect? There’s only one woman, and there’s three men guarding her!”
“But those three men are all competing for her affections, thereby keeping each other in check. Meanwhile, the woman is not interested in any of them and only stays silent to keep the peace.”
“How do you know all that?!”
“It’s written all over their faces.”
“Elves are something else!!”
Also, did I really need to know all the sordid details?!
Meanwhile, my adventurer’s eyes pick out something else. The party in question is quite well-balanced, and their equipment is in good condition, too. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re all Level 2. Are they really going to mess up and conveniently run into trouble for us?
“…Wait, Master? Where did you go?”
I turn to look, but Hedin is gone. Then, seconds later, I hear a huge crackle in the distance, like a discharge of lightning, and the cries of dozens of monsters.
…
……
………He didn’t…
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhh!!”
“There’s a huge monster swarm coming this waaaaaaaaay!!”
He did!
He’s corralling the monsters—effectively creating a pass parade! As soon as I realize that, my heart sinks.
What I see next is almost too horrible for words. A huge horde of monsters surges into the relatively narrow hallway, and all I can hear are screams. If I were Level 2 and I saw this, I’d be too traumatized to ever enter the Dungeon again.
The party valiantly tries to beat back the wave of monsters, but after a while, the men all turn tail and flee, leaving the woman behind.
“Huh?! Aren’t they supposed to be companions?!” I shriek.
“Hmph. If they insisted on dragging things out, I would have taken out a few of them myself,” says Hedin, appearing silently by my side once more. “But it seems their wretched personalities have saved me the effort.”
“Yours is the worst by far!” I cry.
“Just go before you squander your chance.”
I’m lost for words, but I can hear the elf girl crying out for help, so I rush over as fast as I can. By the time I catch up to her, she’s already on her knees and badly injured. My blood boils, and my entire heart screams out to save her, spurring me head-on into the horde of al-miraj and hellhounds.
I suppose this is what I deserve, thought the elf girl, Laurier, as the monster’s claws and fangs bore down on her.
It all began when her god gave her a tall order.
“Could you investigate the familia mentioned in this note for me? I’d like some inside information if you don’t mind. Just pretend to be a poor little solo adventurer who needs help from some big, strong men. I’m sure they’ll spill everything if you ask. What’s that? This is seduction? An elf like yourself could never do such a thing? Hey now. Don’t underestimate the great Hermes! I think I know what my followers can and can’t do, thank you very much. This should be a walk in the park for a cutie like you!”
And so Laurier was sent into the Dungeon before she could even cry about it.
Laurier was a member of Hermes Familia, an organization that regularly engaged in this sort of espionage. Hermes often said that information was more valuable than gold, and he’d recently sniffed out rumors of some suspicious behavior involving a certain familia that could be used as blackmail material against them.
“Seriously…How could a proud elf like me be called upon for mere seduction?”
Laurier was a beautiful young woman. Her long, drawn-back golden hair and dark green eyes were typical of elves, and coupled with her blossoming youth, many men found her very attractive. If she smiled, there would be no end of adventurers lining up to ask her out for a drink after work.
At Level 2, she was also a capable adventurer, but in Orario she was relatively unknown. That was because Laurier was usually in charge of operations outside the city.
Hermes Familia possessed eyes and ears in every land, but they still found it useful to sometimes send their own familia members to faraway nations and cities. Laurier often worked as a spy or accompanied the god on his many excursions. It was even she who, a little over two months ago, had uncovered the captured Xenos being kept in a mansion belonging to Elurian nobility.
“I know that nobody recognizes me here, and that’s why I’m the only one who can sneak into adventuring parties, but still…!”
In any case, it was this sequence of events that had led to Laurier joining up with another familia’s party. She had been holding out hope that she might arouse suspicion and end up having to call the whole operation off, but just as Hermes predicted, the adventurers were irritatingly gullible.
Laurier found it difficult to be happy, but she hid it with a smile, exploring the Dungeon with them while surreptitiously investigating the adventurers’ backgrounds. After this expedition, she fully intended to take her new friends back to the tavern, get them all good and drunk, and see what else she could pry out of them.
Which was why she saw her current predicament as her just deserts.
“GROOOOOAAAAGHH!”
Abandoned by the men she sought to trick, a horde unlike anything she had ever seen stampeded toward her. All alone, with no help in sight and far less Dungeon experience than her fellow Hermes Familia members, Laurier’s chances for survival were looking slim.
It’s all because I acted shamelessly…I should have known the Great Tree would not permit it. Curse you, Lord Hermes!
Laurier looked up as a hellhound pounced, baring its sharp fangs. But just as she was ready to resign herself to her cruel fate…!
“Hah!!”
There was a flutter of white, and Laurier’s destiny was altered.
“…Huh?”
The hellhound let out a guttural cry as its body was sliced in two. Before Laurier could even tell what had happened, the white figure began what could only be described as an extermination.
Armed with only a single jet-black knife, the mysterious warrior took out dozens of al-miraj before ending the life of a huge liger fang with a single meteoric swing. It all happened so fast that the only thing Laurier saw was a pair of rubellite eyes. Finally, a group of hellhounds prepared a breath attack, but the person who had come to her aid unleashed a ridiculously fast spell with no audible chant, burning the last of the horde to a crisp. It was then that she realized the one responsible for this carnage was a boy no older than she was.
When she looked into his rubellite eyes, Laurier’s heart soared like nothing before.
And off to the side, a single elven adventurer adjusted his spectacles, seeing that all had gone just as he planned it.
I take no chances, even using Firebolt in order to ensure the girl’s safety, and eventually, the monster horde is no more. I quickly scan the area to make sure they’re all dead, and my eyes fall upon the elven adventurer, sitting on the floor and peering up at me. Her smooth, ivory cheeks are ever so slightly flushed.
…I feel incredibly guilty. I just want to die. If the old Bell really could see me now, it’d break his heart.
“Erm…are you okay? Can you stand?”
“…Oh! I-I-I’m fine! …Wh-who might you be?”
…Master is frantically signaling me from the shadows. Hurry up and introduce yourself!
“I’m, er…I’m Bell Cranell…” I say, helping her to her feet.
“R-Rabbit Foot! You’re the one they call Record Holder! The one who shot straight to Level Four in no time at all! Lord Hermes talks about you all the time!”
Did she just say “Lord Hermes”? After her gaze settles, I notice that she keeps stealing furtive glances at me.
Th-this must be the suspension-bridge effect Hedin told me about! I feel so bad about exploiting it, though!
“M-my name is Laurier. You saved my life, Bell Cranell. I-I am eternally grateful…”
“N-no! That’s quite all right! I was just passing by and…”
Due to her nerves and my guilty conscience, the conversation is going nowhere when…
“Struggle for eternity, indestructible soldiers of lightning.”
“Eek!”
“Hm?”
Master’s ultra-short spell hits me in the back. It all happens so fast that Laurier doesn’t notice anything except the strange yelp I make. I look over my shoulder and make eye contact with an icy glare in the shadows. I swear I can even hear Master’s voice.
Do as I taught you and seize the initiative, you imbecile. Unless you want me to punish you.
You just did!
My face as pale as a sheet, I turn back to the elf girl.
“M-Ms. Laurier! I-I notice your adventuring clothes are in tatters! Please take my coat!!”
I don’t normally wear a coat, but Master gave me one before we entered the Dungeon. Now I know why. As fast as I can, while trying not to startle her, I place it over Laurier’s shoulders.
S-so kind!!
Laurier’s heart thrummed. The feel of the boy’s coat on her shoulders caused her face to redden even more.
“Miss Laurier!” Bell declared. “I don’t mean to presume, but I think it’s dangerous for you to walk through the middle floors by yourself! Would you mind if I escorted you back to the upper floors?!”
“What? I-I can’t ask that! We’re complete strangers, and I’m just a second-tier adventurer…”
“No, please, I insist! I couldn’t bear the thought of what might happen if I leave you alone!!”
“Y-you couldn’t? You really feel that way…?”
Gazing into Bell’s eyes, Laurier mistook the look of someone held at knifepoint (or rather, spellpoint) and thought it was actually steely resolve. She shyly raised a hand to her flushed cheek, casting her gaze this way and that.
Laurier had no experience with love. At least not in a purehearted, transaction-free sense. She was aware of her charms and would use them to exploit gullible men to advance her familia’s ambitions, but in her heart of hearts, Laurier despised the kinds of people who typically approached her. She was an elf after all, and her race’s famous beauty made her stand out. That was what her hardheaded compatriots typically believed, and Laurier herself was no exception.
And so when an innocent young girl like her was placed in such an exhilarating situation, this was the result. A dashing young man with a deep, passionate gaze (her interpretation), quick and courteous, and with such clear regard for Laurier’s well-being (and more to the point, his own, though Laurier didn’t know that).
She was trembling. Her chest felt hot, too, and she didn’t know why.
To be perfectly frank, it was because a younger human with white hair and red eyes was precisely her type. Laurier just didn’t realize it yet.
“…Well, then……If you insist…”
Her face bright red, Laurier wrung her fingers and accepted Bell’s proposal. She failed to notice the bead of sweat that rolled down Bell’s face in relief.
Without letting down my guard, I strike up a conversation with Ms. Laurier while the two of us make our way back through the Dungeon. Master advised me to pick a topic we’re both knowledgeable about, such as information about the Dungeon or personal anecdotes. It seems to do the trick, and before long, we have both gotten over our initial awkwardness.
“I’m telling you, my last party was a pack of total cowards! They obviously only saw me as a potential partner, and even then they all ran off when it came time to step up and actually do something!”
“Ha-ha…You must be very popular with men, Ms. Laurier.”
“M-me?! Ha! Only because of my heritage perhaps. Beyond that, there’s nothing special about me…”
“Erm…I think you’re a good person, Ms. Laurier. I can tell just by talking to you.”
“…!”
“You felt guilty about joining a party you didn’t belong to. That’s why you tried to kill as many monsters as you could. I bet those guys just thought you were strong enough that they didn’t have to come to your rescue.”
“Th-that’s not it! I was using them for my own purposes! I was only doing that so I could relieve my own guilt! …That’s just who I am. I’m a bad person who uses other people…Fate was trying to punish me for that today.”
“…I know another elf like you, someone who holds things against herself because of how she treats other people. I don’t think that makes you a bad person. I think it makes you a very kind one.”
“O-oh? Er…Well…”
When I smile at her, Laurier suddenly gets very flustered, pressing her hands to her reddening cheeks.
Is this really working…?
Just say what you think. Find out what makes them a good person and just keep on repeating it. That’s all you need to do. If there’s enough chemistry, then you’ll provoke her protective instincts, which will blah blah blah…
All I’ve done is put Master’s words into practice, but Laurier’s ears are already bright red, and she seems to be fidgeting about suspiciously. Where have I seen this before…? Oh, right, with Lyu…
We continue on through the Dungeon, with me occasionally stepping in to protect the wounded girl from a monster attack, and soon enough, the passageway to the upper floors comes into view.
And with that, my mission is complete.
I understand this is simply the first of many I’ll have to do today, but still, I feel a sense of relief at having cleared the first hurdle.
Laurier, meanwhile, is staring at the ground, as if she’s having trouble working up the courage to say something. Then, as if realizing she doesn’t have much time left to do so, she stops in her tracks and calls out to me.
“R-Rabbit Foot! I mean, Bell!” she says, her face still bright red. “Thank you for saving me today! I will find some way to pay you back, mark my words!”
“Seriously, please don’t worry about it.”
I mean it. Don’t feel indebted to me for saving you from a situation we created in the first place—I don’t think my conscience will be able to take it.
“No, I must insist! W-would you mind if…we met again sometime?”
“If we met?”
“I-I just mean if it happens! I don’t mind waiting! Though I would be happy if it were sooner…b-but anyway! If we meet again, I would like to pay you back somehow! I-I know! We could go shopping, maybe? For weapons! Oh, or armor!”
Oh, I wonder if she means like what I did with Eina. Weapons and armor are important to an adventurer…I wonder if this is some kind of unspoken rule I don’t know about? Like…if someone helps you out, you buy them a weapon? There’s a lot of stuff like that in this line of work.
“Wh-what do you think…?”
Laurier keeps dropping her gaze and looking up at me. Her purehearted attitude makes me smile. If there’s one thing you can say about elves, it’s that they insist on repaying their debts.
“I’d be glad to,” I reply, and the most beautiful smile blooms on Laurier’s face. But then…
“Struggle for eternity, indestructible soldiers of lightning.”
“Aagh!!”
Approximately zero seconds after opening my mouth, I get struck by lightning. Why?!
Laurier looks on, baffled, as I collapse to the ground, and Hedin scoops me up faster than the eye can follow. He hoists my smoldering form onto his shoulder and whisks me away.
“Wh-why…?”
“You foolish rabbit. You really think I’ll allow you to arrange a date before your engagement with Lady Syr is through?”
“I-I’m sorry…!!”
“Besides, no good things will come to you continuing to cavort with that elf.”
Wh-what does he mean by that? Unfortunately, I’m not able to speak well with my tongue shocked, but Master picks up on my confusion nonetheless.
“There is no one more irritating than an elf who believes she has found her first love,” he says simply.
I’m still not sure what he means, but before I can figure it out, Hedin says, “On to the next one. We must see if your abilities hold up against a different woman.”
It looks like my battles are only just beginning…
“What just happened…?”
Bell had suddenly collapsed, then somebody seemed to rush by, and he was gone, leaving Laurier to wonder if everything she had just seen had been a dream.
“No…it was real. I’m sure of it!”
She felt the coat around her shoulders, and a smile appeared on her lips. His warmth was still there, protecting her. She tugged it closer, and her cheeks turned a deeper shade of crimson.
“Oh, Bell! When will the fates allow us to meet once more?”
The elf’s delusions transported her off into a world of daydreams, putting a decidedly dopey look on her face that were quite at odds with her race’s stoic reputation.
And so the little white rabbit gained another ardent fan.
Hermes was said to have had quite the reaction upon hearing that one of his followers had deserted her duties in order to fall madly in love with Bell, but that is a story for another time.
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