Adachi to Shimamura - Volume SS1 - Chapter 32.2

“I said I’m sorry!”

“I’m not mad at you. Just go away.”

“You totally are!”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in bed now.” Did she need me to patiently explain that I couldn’t sleep with her screeching? 

After washing my face three times in the sink, then scrubbing my entire body in the tub, I finally felt clean again. By the time I climbed out, the anger that bubbled up in me had drained away. But now that she had finished showering herself, she refused to leave my side, apologizing profusely. Unfortunately for her, the sincerity of said apologies was greatly diminished by the jokes she’d seen fit to couch them in. 

“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, okay? Promise!”

“Yay. I’m so excited.” 

It seemed a patient explanation was indeed necessary. With a sigh, I opened my eyes to see her smiling sheepishly at me, twiddling her thumbs. Evidently, she did have some small sense of shame, at the very least. 

“Hey, girl…um…you look great in those pajamas!”

“Thank you for the shallow compliment. How are you feeling? That single sip you took seemed to make you extremely ill, extremely quickly.”

“Eh, honestly, I feel like I got it all out of my system.”

“I see.” A waste of my concern, then. I tried to shoo her away, but she started pacing around the room. At that point, I couldn’t be bothered anymore. Die for all I care.

“Today was really fun, though.”

“What?” I narrowed my eyes. She had to be doing this on purpose, and I didn’t want to take the bait.

“What? I’m just saying I had a good time.”

“Yes, well, your idea of a good time is usually my idea of a nightmare.”

“Usually? So you do have fun with me every now and then?”

“…Are you invincible or something?” 

This wasn’t about optimism versus pessimism. She had a way of charging straight forward at top speed that terrified me. I’d never before met someone with so much passion for life. 

“I don’t have fun with you, but…it’s nice to hate with all my heart for a change.” I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to embrace my emotions.

“That doesn’t sound very nice at all!” 

“It’s the middle of the night. Could you please stop shouting?”

“Is that why you always tell me to go to hell?”

“Have you considered that perhaps I say it because your actions warrant it?” 

She laughed, shoulders shaking, though I couldn’t see what was so funny. Then, finally, she turned away from me. I knew better than to let my guard down, so I continued to watch her like a hawk. Naturally, the times when I was most prepared for her antics were always the times she didn’t try anything. Perhaps that was the one situation in which she actually succeeded in taking a damned hint. 

“Sleep tight!”

“…Good night.” 

She turned off the lights as she left the room, which made me feel like a small child all over again. When was the last time anyone had shown me that small kindness? I lived a life of silence, and now I was drowning in a veritable ocean of her words. 

What an awful ending to an absurdly awful day. 

Shivering from the residual chill of my still-damp hair, I stared up at one corner of the ceiling, waiting for my eyes to adapt to the darkness. Even then, I couldn’t shake her obnoxious voice from my head. It was probably seared into my brain after all that talking she’d done. Then, as I grimaced to myself, I heard the door open slowly and fearfully.

“Are you asleep?” Sakura asked in a small voice.

After a moment of hesitation, I decided to answer. “No. I just got settled.” 

Even in the dark, I sensed her alarm and hesitation. Nothing warm or fuzzy ever came of our interactions, as if they took place in a perpetual winter, and I was frozen stiff. Maybe that was only to be expected, seeing as I had never tried to plant any seeds.

Silently, she crawled into bed next to me for the first time in… How long had it been? By the time she was in grade school, she’d already learned to sleep in her own bed. I had given her her own room under the pretense of granting her independence, but in reality, I was the one who’d wanted to be free. Now the gulf between us could never be bridged—but just for tonight, we would close our eyes in the same room. 

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this would never happen again. She would be moving out soon, and once she was gone, I had a feeling she’d never come back. But we no longer had any reason to live together, so it was the right thing to do for both of our sakes. The thought was a tiny bit sad—but, at the same time, knowing that it would soon be over made it a little easier.

“Sakura.” 

I didn’t bother waiting for her to respond. This wasn’t a two-way conversation. It was my last chance—my final wish. 

“You’re a lot like me,” I continued.

Poor thing. You never asked to have all my flaws.

“So I just want to say…” 

Despite myself, I summoned every last ounce of maternal spirit I had.

“Please don’t turn out like I did.” 

That was everything I wanted to impress upon her as her parent. I wished for her to find happiness in her new home, for her love to stay strong, and for her partner to love her just as much in return. I wished for her to succeed in every aspect where I had failed. 

For a moment there was no sound, as if we both forgot to breathe. My lips felt dry and chapped. One by one, every last sensation dropped away until I felt like I was floating in space. Then, after enough time passed that I’d come to terms with my fate…she spoke.

“Okay.”

Was that the answer I had hoped for, or would I have been happier in silence? 

Though I was just lying there, I suddenly felt as though I’d run a marathon, and the breath I had been holding rushed out in a long sigh. Normally I slept curled up in the darkness, but tonight, I felt strangely comforted by the light. There was nothing to fear now—my daughter would surely find happiness without me. 

“…Ugh…”

Just as my consciousness started to sink against the pillow, I caught a residual whiff of that woman’s puke and realized I was still angry. Thinking of exactly how I’d tear her to shreds in the morning, I squeezed my eyes shut and drifted off into the dark.