Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 4 - Chapter 3.1

Chapter 3 – Moon and Will

There were those who'd felt it was necessary to pay attention to my feelings, and there were those who'd been kind enough to ignore me. 
I was talking about the school trip we had gone on in elementary school. It was common for me to act separately from the rest of the class, and even during the breaks, I usually ate lunch by myself. The teachers I'd had could be roughly divided into two groups based on how they reacted to seeing me in that state: There were those who didn't want me to be lonely and tried to join me, as well as those who didn't particularly care. Personally, as it was out of my own will that I chose to avoid the company of others, I much preferred the latter. Of course, that wasn't to say that I didn't sometimes fail and reluctantly end up eating with them anyway; it was already difficult for me to go against kids from my own class, and much more so when I was dealing with an adult. The taste of the food wouldn't register in my mind, and by the end of it, my jaw would be left completely exhausted. 
I didn't especially mind being by myself. 
Other people simply didn't seem important enough for me to try and guess what was going on in their heads and alter my behaviour accordingly. I was unable to respect them, and as such, it was for the best that I avoided establishing relationships with anyone. After all, doing so would only lead to both of us getting hurt. And I didn't want that. I was perfectly fine with passing my days doing nothing, hurting no one. 
Regardless, there was a time during my fifth year in elementary school when I decided out of my own will to make a friend. Well, maybe not entirely out of my own will; the environment I was in did sort of push me towards it. I kept hearing about how wonderful friends were, how they were a gift. Anyway, with that as my goal, I made an effort to smile, to actually pay attention to what others were saying. As I did, I noticed there was a girl in my class who, just like me, was bad at forming friendships. I picked her, and with surprisingly little effort, the two of us became friends. 
And yet, the fact remained that our relationship hadn't come to be on its own, but rather, had been created artificially. My feelings grew colder, and soon enough, I began adjusting how I viewed the whole thing. Whenever she said something, I had to reply in an appropriate manner. Likewise, I too had to try coming up with things for us to talk about. It was never really me who spoke. No, I was just saying words I had picked up from somewhere else. 
Each time this happened, my eyes grew increasingly less focused. With each friend, there were fewer and fewer places for me to escape to. 
And then. 
When I one day threw it all away and began walking by myself, I experienced the same sense of freedom I'd once used to feel all the time. 
I took a deep breath of it, and instantly understood that I was a person meant to live without others. 

Once again, I'd sat down on the gym's second floor. 
Unlike during the summer last year, the air didn't feel languid. Instead, I was embraced by a pleasant warmth. 
There was another thing different as well: Shimamura wasn't there. 
I sat alone, one knee lifted up, all the while staring out of the window. The sunlight coming through covered the freezing floor and the white walls in its shine, and staring at them, I found myself wondering, what if I did the same? What if I simply melted into the light, let the brilliance dissolve me? I grew increasingly aware of the weight of my body, and no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't make the time go by. Even closing my eyes wasn't enough to avoid having to view myself. 
A deep sigh escaped my mouth. I wonder, how many had come before it? 
Why was it that I had become a second-year student? There was a part of me that genuinely felt something akin to regret regarding that. We'd entered a new environment, and by the time I noticed it, Shimamura was already surrounded by people. They formed a wall around her, standing between us like a gradually rising barrier. And yet, it was only I who felt it to be a wall. As for Shimamura, she didn't mind at all coexisting with it. 
It was the start of a new school term. We'd advanced to the next grade, and with it, the world around us had changed drastically. 
Whereas Shimamura had made the transition completely smoothly, I certainly hadn't. 
Simply put, that was all this was about. 
The two of us weren't alike. Unlike me, Shimamura never ended up in a deadlock in terms of her relationships with those around her. I truly felt like it was pure chance that she'd ended up coming here last year, as if she had simply been drifting about. I'd left class out of loneliness, and she out of boredom. Though both valid motives, they were worlds apart. 
There was no such thing as a break to a person's life. All happiness was fleeting, and would eventually be washed away by the endless series of tomorrows. 
Even the happiness I'd felt being placed in the same class as her followed this rule; it was growing distant at this very moment, scattering away like a bunch of sakura flowers. 
Us sharing a class, her calling me by my given name as a joke. All these things had caused me to grow negligent. 
Somewhere deep down, I'd actually begun to believe that we were bound together, that the connection between us was strong as an iron chain. How foolish I'd been, how egotistical. 
I found myself hanging my head as I thought back to how Shimamura had been in the classroom. And not just a little; my forehead practically came into contact with my knee. Shimamura had been smiling, laughing. She wasn't all that close to those people. Hell, she probably didn't even know them. And yet, it hadn't stopped her from smiling at them the same way she always did, sociable yet vague. No matter how hard I tried, there was no denying the truth; those smiles were identical to the ones she showed me. I know it was unreasonable, but I just couldn't help but feel frustrated, irritated. Irritated by the other girls, as well as by Shimamura herself. I was barely able to stop myself from scratching off my forehead. 
That alone, that one tiny thing, had caused me to feel alienated. A sense of hopelessness had filled my chest. I'd almost started to cry. Had there really never been anything special between us, anything substantial? Just the lightest of steps, and everything I'd built so far began to crumble, frailer than sand. 
And yet, I'd chosen this place. 
It was almost as if I was waiting for things to magically turn out in my favour. 
I restlessly moved my body around, trying to decide whether or not I should go take a peek at the first floor. Well, to tell you the truth, I'd actually already done so a little while earlier. Shimamura had been there. It seemed that the gym class today was being held here, likely due to it raining outside. 
I could hear the sound of balls bouncing against the floor. I wonder, was Shimamura doing that, bouncing a ball? What did she think of me, having not come to class the entire day? Had she noticed that I was up here? 
If I went to go have a look, and our eyes came in contact, what should I do? I didn't know. Anxious of that, I was left unable to move. All I could do was wait. Wait with the sound of rain blasting behind my back. 
I lifted my head. 
Footsteps. Someone was walking up the stairs. My mouth and lips twisted into an unsightly shape out of shock as I fixed my eyes upon the entrance to see who it was. A teacher seeing me here would have serious consequences, and yet, that worry didn't even cross my mind. No, I was far too busy anticipating the other possibility. The world before me was full of light, but as I soon enough learned, that light only hurt my eyes and made me want to cast down my head. 
The person walking up the stairs hadn't been Shimamura, but rather, some girl who I'd never seen before. She noticed me too, and an expression I wasn't quite able to put into words appeared on her face. Regardless, she walked past me and sat down in the corner. 
Having first extended and then folded her legs, the girl opened the paperback book she'd been carrying. Her hair was uniformly black, giving off the appearance of a solid lump. Behind it hid a long, narrow face, and staring at it, I couldn't help but sigh uninterestedly. 
This was no longer where I belonged either. 
Why? Because the only reason I had come here in the first place was that, if I couldn't be with Shimamura, I'd at least wanted to be by myself. 
Those feelings of disappointment led me to run away. Placing the strap of my bag on my shoulder, I left the gym's second floor behind. 
Just as I was walking down the stairs and wondering where I should head next, I heard the sound of footsteps coming from above. 
"Hey, you. Wait." 
It was the girl from earlier. She'd come running after me. Gripping the railing by the landing, she leaned forward, staring down at me. Silently, I stared back, as if asking if she wanted something, which prompted her to grin and wave her hand. 
"Sorry for stealing your spot." 
"...I don't mind." 
Unsure whether she was my senior or junior, I decided to pick the tone of my reply from somewhere in between. I then tilted my head slightly downwards before quickly turning away and leaving. Likewise, I wasted no time exiting the sports hall, both to avoid being seen by the other students there, as well as so that I wouldn't have to witness Shimamura talking to someone else. 
There were no teachers to be seen outside. Instead, I was met by slight rain. 
As I began walking through it, I found myself naturally drifting away from the school building. 
It was too bothersome to turn around. And so I didn't. Instead, I walked straight forward and left school, not once looking back. 
There was no need to; having not gone to class the entire day, I was still carrying my bag with me. The weight of the shoulder strap told me as much. 

Where am I going? That's what I asked myself while looking around as I rode my bike. 
I'd left school without any thought, but now found myself heading to the direction opposite of where I lived. Why? Well, going back home at this time of the day ran the risk of bumping into my mother, and knowing her, she'd definitely ask questions. Though I wish I would have realised that sooner, what was done was done. 
Walking around town by myself would hardly make the time pass by. No, I would simply be trapped in a state of agony, aware of every individual second that went by. The lukewarm spring air mixed with the rain to create a listless atmosphere, and before I knew it, a sense of stagnation had embraced me. I passed by a driving school, went through the parking lot of a menswear store, and ultimately, found myself before a shopping mall, the same one I'd visited with Shimamura a number of times. Seeing how there weren't any other places I went to spend time, perhaps this was the most appropriate choice? At least it was better than having to stand outside in the rain. With that in mind, I parked my bike and walked in, all by myself this time. 
The insides of the building had been renovated sometime last year, and as I walked by all the new stores that had been opened, the smell in the air suddenly changed. It was a sweet smell. I couldn't remember who it was, but someone had once told me that the air in foreign shopping malls apparently smelled similarly sweet. 
Upon closer observation, the fragrance appeared to be that of maple syrup, and seemed to be coming from next to the electronics retailer I'd just passed. 
"..." 
I wonder, if I were to go somewhere with Shimamura, what would be the kind of place that would make her happy? Thinking about that, I walked by various stores. I didn't even have any plans to ask her or anything, and yet, that was all I could think about. To be completely honest with you, I still didn't quite understand how Shimamura felt about things. What could I do to make her truly happy? I just didn't know. 
She was plain. That was how she described herself, and how I saw her as well. 
It was also what made it so difficult. 
There might have been lots of different types of stores, but no way was there one that specialised in boomerangs. 
I wanted to know everything there was to know about her. Well, not literally; if she hated me, for example, I wouldn't want to know that. No, but wait. If I didn't know that, then I wouldn't be able to come up with a way to make her like me. So maybe I would want to know that after all? Right. In conclusion: I did want to know everything. Absolutely everything. 
I'd barely heard her voice since we started our second year in school. Well, technically speaking I had, but as it wasn't aimed at me, it always felt so distant. Well then, maybe I should call her? No, that wasn't the problem. 
I didn't know what I was supposed to do. 
Really, going forward, what was it that I wanted? 
I wanted to be by Shimamura's side. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted her to look my way. That, in its entirety, was what I truly thought, what I truly felt. I wasn't able to escape the fact. And yet, me walking around by myself wasn't going to fix anything. 
Why was I doing it then? What was this all for? 
My days were so long and boring that I couldn't stand them, and despite that, there was nothing for me to look back to. 
Trying to put into words how I spent my time would no doubt result into a disgustingly short explanation. Short, yet long. A clear contradiction. 
Wide, yet shallow. That really described my entire life. 
So boring. So utterly boring. There was nothing to me when I wasn't with Shimamura. 
With thoughts like those bouncing around in my head, I walked forward, when suddenly, I began to hear loud voices. And not human voices, but those of animals. I moved my eyes to check—just my eyes—and what did I see but a pet shop. The place had opened up recently, and appeared to sell not just the standard dogs and cats, but also fish and, by the looks of it, even sheep. That was what it said on the sign outside, at least. 
"Hmm." 
Surprisingly enough, I had a feeling that Shimamura might be interested in this sort of a place. 
Taking a closer look, I saw that there was already a high school girl standing in front of the store, and just like me, she too appeared to be checking it out. Her hair was long and lightly curled, and she was constantly fiddling with it. As far as her height went, she was a bit taller than me, which, combined with her general adult-like appearance, gave me the impression that she was an upper-year student. 
As if having noticed my stare, the girl glanced in my direction before leaving the storefront. She passed me by, and if I had to say, there was something about the way she moved that made it seem like she was slightly flustered. It might have been for this reason that our bags ended up bumping together. 
"Sorry", we both mumbled as a quick apology. 
Something then fell onto the floor. I bent to pick it up, and saw that it was a decorative strap shaped like a bear. Had the girl not noticed? Probably not; it wouldn't have made sense for her to just keep walking otherwise. 
I stood there for a second, wondering what I should do. It did seem a bit rude to just ignore it, though, and so, I ultimately decided to run after her. 
"Umm, sorry", I called out to her. Her hair swooshing, the girl turned around. 
"You dropped this", I said while holding out the strap. The girl took it, and then confirmed that it was hers. 
"Oh, thanks. Wait... Ah! Thank you so much!" 
Her eyes lit up as she took a second look at the strap. It appeared to be very valuable to her. In that case, it had definitely been worth it to bring it to her. Still, what was up with her loitering around somewhere like this at this time of the day? Was she some sort of a delinquent herself, perhaps? Not that I should be making those sorts of assumptions about others. 
"It must have fallen off after I fiddled with it too much. Dammit. Pay attention, me. Pay attention..." the girl spoke to herself as she walked off, all the while stroking the strap. She appeared very soft personality-wise. Definitely not what you would have expected based on her looks. 
That thing, it really did seem important to her. 
I didn't have anything hanging off my bag. Those sorts of things just didn't particularly interest me. 
Oh, but what if I had matching ones with Shimamura? Instinctively, I found myself fantasizing about that. 
"...Yeah, that might be nice." 
Something shared by only me and her. That was the part I really found attracting. That was what was important. Vital. Essential. 
We'd never had anything like that before, which was probably one of the reasons I ended up clinging onto the idea so hard. 
Since I was here already, I decided I might as well have a look inside the store. The entrance I'd chosen seemed to lead to the back of the store, that being the section with tropical fish. That was where I started. The room was quite hot and sultry, and having walked around for a bit, I moved on to the next room. This one appeared to be full of insects and reptiles. I gave them a passing look before moving on. 
The next section was lined up with birdcages, and I could safely say that it was the loudest one of them all. The combined volume of their chirps and tweets was just something else. What really caught my attention, however, was a large parrot. Its wings and tail were slightly bent, making the cage it was placed in seem a bit too cramped. What's more, the bird was hard at work trying to use its beak to force the lock open, and if its ferocity was of any indication, it seemed that the attempt might just work. Amazed, I found myself stopping still and taking a moment to observe. 
Exiting the long yet narrow bird section led me to the front of the store. It was there that they sold dogs and cats, each one placed in their own display case made of glass, accompanied by a tiny, individual bed. The room was surrounded by pure white walls in all four directions, which gave it an almost artificial, unnatural feel, and if I'm being honest, made the whole thing seem a bit off-putting to me. That was my initial reaction. 
However, as I took a step forward... 
A white dog that had been asleep bounced up and pressed itself against the glass. Startled by this, I instinctively took a step back, yet all the while the dog pushed out its tongue and waggled its tail, its front paws still resting against the case. It was almost as if it had been trained beforehand to do this, to entice me to buy it. I stared at it, and in that instant, my chest clenched up. The dog felt so... pathetic. 
With no forewarning, tears began welling up in my eyes. 
Seeing the bird locked up in a tiny cage hadn't made me sad, neither had the fish swimming in their tank, and yet, for some reason, the glass case had. Why? Staring the animal eye to eye, I soon found the answer. 
It was a mirror. 
The current me, I was exactly the same as these dogs and cats, locked in their containers. 
If anything, my situation was even more difficult. I was the one who'd put myself there. 
Moreover, I wasn't trying to sell anything to anyone. No, I just sat there. 
This truth I'd been shown gripped the deepest parts of my heart, shook them. Then, I realised it. 
The source of my sadness lay within the pity I felt for myself. 
"...No, this place won't do." 
I decided that I wouldn't come here with Shimamura. 
Wiping away my tears before they fell, I distanced myself from this mirror to my true self. 
This felt like enough of the mall for a single day, and with that in mind, I began heading towards the nearmost entrance. Once outside, I figured that I would just head straight to my bike. However, as I kept going, something directly by the entrance caught my eye. There was a person there, next to the wall, putting on a performance. 
"Come talk about money, marriage, love, anything". Those were the words written on the banner hanging above the long table. Was the person in question a fortune-teller, perhaps? Probably. Speaking of, she was an older woman who'd I describe to be in her late twenties wearing a large, purple veil, just what you'd expect to see on the head of someone of her profession. As for her skin, it was white as plaster, which only made her reddish cheeks stand out further. She didn't appear to be wearing much makeup, and overall, gave off a very rugged yet honest aura. 
Though the table and everything around it had given me the impression of her being someone who'd read your fortune using bamboo sticks or what have you, she herself seemed more like the kind of fortune-teller you'd see in the movies, with a crystal ball and everything. 
"Welcome. Come on by." 
Our eyes hadn't even met, yet here the woman was, urging me to sit down on the seat opposite to her. Initially, I figured there was no way she was talking to me and simply kept going as if nothing had happened, but this only prompted her to continue: 
"Going home with your worries won't let you find a good tomorrow." 
Even if they weren't quite enough to make me turn around, her words did still cause me to instantly stop in my tracks. 
"Come", the woman spoke while softly tapping the table. This time I did turn, undoubtedly making a horrible face. While the fortune-teller's (let's just go with that) voice did sound calm and fit for her profession, the same couldn't be said of her expression; that one remained overly serious. 
"Hurry now, come", she beckoned me. The banner waved above her in a similar manner to her hand, and I couldn't help but find my eyes turning towards it. Towards the part about "love", specifically. 
Wait, no. That wasn't how I felt about the matter. It wasn't. And yet. 
I might have been in public, but even so, I felt like I was going to start blushing if I kept thinking about that. It was for that reason that I timidly approached the woman. I wasn't getting wheedled, was I? There was certainly a part of me that wondered about that. Regardless, it couldn't be denied that my heart was fragile and full of weaknesses. As if being pulled in, I walked towards the fortune-teller, but just before sitting down, I gave her a glance. A stiff expression still remained on her face, lending her ever so slightly more credibility than the other similar person I'd seen on that weird TV show from awhile back, the one who'd been waving her hair everywhere. 
"Are you a fortune-teller?" I asked the woman, my eyes jumping between her and the desk. 
"Indeed. An Eki-Shaman (ekisha = fortune-teller), I suppose you could say." 
"I see..." 
I'd never heard of such a profession. Really, it was pretty clear that she'd just made it up on the spot. 
Also, now that I took a good look at it, I could see that the surface of the crystal ball on the table was covered in small cracks all over. 
"I can tell you anything about your future. Anything. For example... where your tears will flow", the woman spoke while pointing at my eyes. I instinctively straightened my back, and in response, she leaned even further forward. Then, holding up the crystal ball, she continued analysing me: 
"Svari. You are lovesick, aren't you?" 
My shoulders practically bounced up as her words reached my ears, and it was in that moment that I truly felt like I'd been defeated. 
"Should I read your fortune and tell what's going on with this matter? That might be simple. I mean, good. Yes, very good." 
The woman coughed as if glossing over some details. Not that I was really listening. No, I was far too shocked to do that. 
She'd yet to as much as look at my palm, to say nothing of actually reading it. So then, how did she know? 
Wait, no, more importantly. I was in... love with... Shimamura? That was, umm, extremely... Err... 
"Hmh." 
Moving just her mouth, Eki-Shaman (that will do) let out a short laugh. Then, she softly held out her hand. 
"One thousand yen." 
"Huh?" 
"Normally, I charge at least three thousand. However, if I did that with a student, she might ru—Ahem. It's a student discount, yes." 
In contrast to her stiff expression, the way she spoke was quite smooth, so much so that she often let unnecessary details slip by, like what had happened just now. 
"So, thousand yen?" 
"It is a bargain, I assure you", the woman stated while extending her hand. There was something about a person describing what they sold as a "bargain" that made me less confident in it, not more. 
I understood that she wasn't doing this for free. I really did. And yet, I still found myself hesitating when having to give her not coins, but paper money. Was that simply human nature? Regardless, I'd sat down, and by doing so, had created the sort of atmosphere where it felt like I already owed her something. That much was clear. 
Timidly, my fingertips moved. 
How much was a thousand yen anyway? Thinking about the restaurant where I worked, you could at most get a lunch for two with that sort of money. In other words, not all that much. It was that comparison which gave me the confidence necessary to pull out the bill from my wallet. I held it up to the shaman, who proceeded to swoop it up like a vacuum cleaner, thank me, and swiftly place it in her purse. She appeared to be far better at handling money than anything else, which, let's just say, did make me slightly nervous. 
First the fortune-telling program, and now her. I was weak to this sort of stuff, wasn't I? 
Definitely should pay more attention to avoid being tricked. Of course, it was far too late for that now. 
Having perhaps grown tired of holding it up, Eki-Shaman proceeded to put down the crystal ball. Following this, she began observing me all over. There was something strange about her stare. It felt almost ticklish, as if I was getting physically pinched wherever she looked. Even my school uniform wasn't safe from her scrutiny. I wanted to leave, just take off and go home. In no time, a wave of regret gushed forward. Then, right at the point where I felt like I might actually grab my bag and start to run if this kept going for one more second, the woman opened her mouth as if aware of my feelings: 
"Can I ask just one thing? Does the person have hair longer than you?" 
"Umm, 'the person'?" 
"Your dearest, yes." 
The change in the manner in which she spoke immediately brought my mind to Shimamura. Then, not an instant later, I could feel my bottom eyelids growing hot, as if I was on the verge of tears. 
My dearest. Dear. That word was likewise difficult for me to say out loud, and yet, I felt it to be more precise than "love". 
Now, Shimamura's hair. Which one of us had longer hair? That was a tough question; I'd never really gone out of my way to compare them. I went through my memory, recalling how she appeared from various angles. As I was doing that, I realised that the majority of the mental images I had of her were from the side, and though I was obviously fine with her however she was, I still couldn't help but feel a bit sad thinking about how little time we'd actually spent face to face. Especially recently. 
Nevertheless, there were those rare times it did happen. Shimamura would appear a bit embarrassed, and yet, she'd still smile at me. 
"Hmm. Bad karma, I see." 
"...What?" 
I hadn't even said anything yet, and the shaman was already chuckling to herself. 
"You must know the person in quite detail to be thinking that hard about it." 
"Is.. Is that so?" 
I couldn't believe it. Still, what if she really did see through me? Thoughts like those filled my head, causing it to turn red and blue simultaneously. 
As if to take advantage of this turmoil, Eki-Shaman delivered her judgement. 
"Svari. You need to be more decisive." 
"..." 
"Growing conscious of the stares of those around you, you often find yourself running away. It is clear at a glance what you lack." 
I was beyond bewildered; the woman's words described my situation perfectly. Was she really able to tell all that just by looking at me? I was certainly inclined to doubt that she'd actually read my mind or anything of the sort, but still, incredible nonetheless. I suppose things like these fell right into the territory of fortune-tellers. And yet, something about what she'd said felt wrong. Just as I was about to place my finger on what that something was, the woman continued: 
"Fret not. Gaining the decisiveness you need is quite easy. In fact, I will tell you how. Simply shout. Shout right there." 
"What?" 
The place Eki-Shaman was pointing towards was the street that went through the mall. In other words, exactly where we were. 
While the street was hardly what I'd describe as busy, it didn't mean that we were the only ones here. Certainly not; there were people all around. As such, it wasn't difficult to imagine what might happen if I were to randomly start shouting. No way could I do that. I cast my head. No way. 
In contrast to my reaction, Eki-Shaman remained completely calm. Holding up the crystal ball, she chuckled. 
"Refusing to do so will only cost you a thousand yen. If that is what you wish, then so be it." 
I already regretted giving her any money. 
"However, if you don't wish to have regrets, then do it." 
Her words pierced deep into my chest, as if she'd seen right through me. I couldn't help but flinch. The back of the chair I sat on creaked. 
"..." 
There were times, every now and then, that I thought about it. 
About my time in middle school, about the time I'd worked as a library assistant of sorts. 
I could barely remember her face. I didn't even know her name. And yet, she'd asked me the following: 
Do you have any friends? 
I'd told her that I didn't, that I didn't need them. 
Why had she asked me that? Looking back to it, it seemed quite obvious. 
She'd likely meant it as a suggestion, an offer to become my friend. 
Even if that was the case, I couldn't go back and change my answer. I'd told her that I didn't need friends, and that would forever remain so. 
That wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were meant to discuss, talk to one other, and only then derive your conclusion. That in its core was the reason why humans were born with the ability to speak. I knew that. And yet, I'd turned her away right from the start, chopped her off before she could even begin. I truly regretted that. 
It was for that reason, I thought, why I tried my hardest to avoid doing things I would later come to regret. 
I was simply unable to ignore things, all because of regret I felt towards something completely different. 
I stood up. I moved. The world before me went dark as if I'd closed my eyes. 
"Raise your arms and proclaim. It is as simple as that, grasping your heart and making it strong." 
Doing as told, I lifted my arms slightly. As I did, a question appeared in my mind. 
What did this, something more akin to a lecture regarding self-improvement, have anything to do with fortune-telling? 
"I-I'll do it..." I stated quietly, all the while nervously glancing around me. And I do mean quietly; my voice barely came out. 
"Too quiet. The choice of words could also have been better. And what is up with your arms? Lift them properly, high up in the air", the woman criticized my performance, herself resting her head against her hand. 
If I— 
"What? 'If I had such courage, I wouldn't be having this problem'? Is that what you want to say?" 
Dead on. My arms twitched slightly out of shock. Seeing this, the woman grinned, once again moving only her mouth. 
"Conversely, it is having courage that will allow you to settle all problems of this sort. Now, one more time." 
Her hand guided my heart. Carried by the flow of her words, I extended my back. 
"I'll give it my all." 
"Doesn't sound like you will. One more time." 
"Umm, well..." 
What was I supposed to yell out? Nothing really came to mind. My extended arms were quickly starting to grow weak. 
I won't run away. 
I won't turn my back. 
"...I won't run away." 
"Yes?" 
I. 
I. 
I. 
I won't. 
I won't run away. 
One, two, three. 
"I won't run away!"  

Before I knew it, my arms had sprung up, matching my yell. 
My mind instantly grew blank, and so did the world before me turn white. 
"Ooh, wonderful. One more time." 
I could hear the woman clapping off to the side. Encouraged by the sound, I yelled even louder. 
"I! Won't! Run! Away!" 
It was as if something had torn and was now spreading before me. 
The surge of emotion that had started at the soles of my feet rushed up all the way to my head and pierced through. My ears began to ring, and once that passed, what remained was a sense of intoxication, not all that dissimilar to vertigo. Staggering, I sat back down, prompting Eki-Shaman to repeat her comment from earlier: 
"Wonderful. I didn't think you would actually do it." 
"Haa..." 
"What humans need is not to know the future, but instead, to desire it, pursue it", she declared poetically, as if completely undermining her position as a fortune-teller. 
There was something odd about her statement. Something that made it sound different from all the rest. It was almost like the table between us was no longer there, and instead of talking to a paying customer, this piece of advice had come straight from her heart. 
"Umm, excuse me..." 
"Oh my." 
All of a sudden, Eki-Shaman's eyes turned to the right. I swallowed what I'd been about to say and followed her gaze with my own. 
A person was walking towards us. A person wearing a sober blue uniform. A person who—Wait. My eyes went wide as I realised what was happening here; the approaching figure belonged to a mall guard, and no matter how you looked at it, he was clearly pointed in our direction. 
All colour disappeared from my face. 
"Was your act perhaps a bit too disruptive?" Eki-Shaman smacked her lips, clearly trying to shift the blame away from herself. Then, immediately afterwards, she pulled down the banner, grabbed everything off the table in one fell swoop, and sprang up from her chair. Unable to keep up with her, I watched the woman smile, once again moving only her mouth. 
"Well then, that takes care of that. Please, value your future. As for me, it's time I withdrew." 
Having said that, she took off and swiftly ran away carrying her stuff. I was left quite confused by the whole thing; on one hand, it felt like I'd just been helped out a great deal, but on the other, like I'd been hit by a truck. Yes, my body was still shaking. Could it be, was the woman actually an unlicensed fraud, a fake fortune-teller? I already felt embarrassed at myself for almost believing in her. How foolish must I appear in the eyes of others. Wait, but "unlicensed" didn't necessarily equal "fraud", did it? 
Perhaps, despite her lack of license, she was actually the real thing? 
You could tell a lot just by looking at me. My uniform, for example, revealed that I was skipping school, which in turn further illuminated my personality. 
Really, the woman hadn't said anything beyond matters which could easily be inferred through keen observation. That's how it felt to me. And yet. 
The things she'd given me, it was impossible for me to brush them aside as lies, as mere fabrications. No, there was truth to them. They were valuable. 
Quietly and peacefully, something new had come to exist inside me, far and away offsetting the loss of a measly thousand yen. 
It was a throb. A throb which silently waited for the moment it would get to sprout. 

Despite the events of yesterday, I once again found myself at the sports hall, crouched by the wall and breathing quietly. 
My general lack of interests left me hollow throughout. Thinking about it, it really was just Shimamura this, Shimamura that, which filled my empty husk, from the tips of my fingers and toes to the bottom of my stomach. What would become of me if I were ever to lose her? It was that question which continued to torment me, and why I now found myself stuck, sitting by myself with my eyes unfocused. 
It was the period preceding lunch break, and based on the sounds coming from downstairs, a sports lesson appeared to be taking place there. The footsteps of the students reached all the way to where I was sitting, causing the floor beneath me to tremor ever so slightly. Little by little, these movements overlapped, creating an illusion of my body being rocked up and down, as if carried by a wave as tall as the entire room. Idly, I bobbed my head as if to match the sensation. It was completely futile, all of it. Vain, pointless. 
The seed which had been planted inside me yesterday had yet to sprout. 
I continued moving my head back and forth without much thought, but just then, a peculiar object caught my attention; there was something on top of the ping-pong table no one ever used, something that normally wasn't there. While this was by no means a large change, considering the state I was in, how utterly bored I was, it didn't have to be in order to pull me to it. Half-crouching in order to avoid being seen, I made my way towards the table, peeked at it, and saw that the thing placed on it was a book. 
A small paperback, in fact, with a bookmark sticking out from between the pages. Was it the one the girl from yesterday had been reading? Had she perhaps forgotten it here? That seemed a bit unlikely; the book's corner was lined up perfectly with that of the table beneath it, hinting more towards it having been left there on purpose. Perhaps it was meant to be taken as a reservation of some sort, like she was (literally) booking the place for herself or something? 
Nonchalantly, I picked up the book and glanced at its cover. The dust jacket had been removed, and though this meant that I didn't get to view any artwork, the title and the name of the author were thankfully written on the book itself as well. "Eiji Kikkawa", appeared to be who it was by. Being someone who hardly ever read books, the name didn't say much to me. 
I flipped the thing open, landing on the page with the bookmark. While starting from the middle did obviously mean that I wasn't able to follow the story, glancing over the passages, there was a certain section that caught my eye. 
This was what was written there: 
"Why do I keep running? Simple: Because I'm scared. I spend each day in a state of terror, afraid that, if I hesitate for too long, my tomorrow will become the world's yesterday. Rather than being left behind by massive changes happening somewhere far in the distance, somewhere I have no knowledge of, I much prefer taking the lead myself and choosing a path where the change begins from me." 
The passage came off as quite abstract, and I was left to wonder what any of it was meant to convey. I didn't have enough context to even tell what the main character of this work was aiming for, what his goals were. And yet, that expression, "being left behind", it really struck me. I re-read that part multiple times, feeling dizzier with each pass, until finally putting the book back and slumping down onto the floor. 
There, I continued to stare at the ceiling lights, almost as if viewing my very soul, so anxious it might slip out any second now. 
Those words, likely written by some no-name author, turned out to be just what was needed to kindle the seeds of impatience planted inside me. I wasn't a second-year student. 
We passed through the same gate, we went to the same classroom... 
...and yet, it was only her, only Shimamura who functioned as a student. 
My body wobbled. The wobble grew stronger. I felt anxious, like my eyes were spinning. 
In that moment, by chance, a thought of Shimamura passed through my mind, allowing me to steady myself. 
It was now my heart that was quivering. 
In the end, I was left with the following conclusion: The word "Shimamura" perfectly summarized my current self. 
With that in mind, it was clear what the next action I ought to take was. 
The tune indicating the end of class played. What followed now was the lunch break. 
A time during which Shimamura would be surrounded by other people. 
She would be at the classroom. 
Eating lunch. 
She wouldn't come here. 
She wouldn't, no. Obviously not. 
I grabbed my arms with all my strength, telling them to become aware of that. 
I shut my half-open mouth, telling it to cast away such thoughts. 
Had it really been my plan to waste all of my time here, hoping that, if I continued to sit and pout for long enough, Shimamura would one day come to me? Perhaps, but no longer. Something had changed. I'd realised that I needed to act before it was too late. 
Too late. It was that pair of words which pulled my suppressed worries right back to the surface. 
Really, what would I do if this was to result in our relationship coming to an end? 
Also, really, what could simply sitting here possibly lead to? 
My eyes were opened wide, so wide that I wasn't even blinking. This, in turn, caused my pupils to run dry, prompting tears lacking any sort of temperature to pour out. 
I wiped them off, only for a second set of them to emerge, just as uncaring as the previous one. Again, it was mere fluid, unconnected to any feelings of sadness. 
If you go now, you'll make it in time, something whispered to my ear. 
What did it mean, to make it in time? 
What would happen if I were to, for example, join Shimamura and our classmates surrounding her while they were chatting? 
Evaluating myself objectively, I'd probably just ruin the mood, wouldn't I? I knew that I would. 
There might be a potential future out there in which I open my heart to other people, including those around Shimamura. Who knows, maybe that really was an option, and I just hadn't noticed it. 
And yet, if I were to ever go down that path, I felt like I would no longer be myself. 
After all, I wasn't that perfect of a human. I also knew that the future couldn't be known. 
Well, in that case, what sort of human was I? That was the question I found me asking myself. 
Currently, I was hollow. Hollow yet stable. 
I felt uneasy, impatient, like I just wanted to pull out my hair, but at the same time, somewhere deep inside me, there rested a sense of tranquillity. 
The fact that I was alone satisfied me. 
Perhaps I really was a human meant to live by themselves. That is how I saw it. 
Of course, what a person wanted and what they were suited for didn't necessarily overlap. While it was logical, in a way, to do what you were good at, what you were capable of, doing so was all but the same as abandoning the idea of growth. 
Limiting yourself in such a way would only set you on a path of slow but certain decline. 
I needed to attempt to do things I know I couldn't, for my own sake. 
I stood up. I began walking. Forcing my back so straight it felt like it might bend the wrong way, I faced forward. 
Expecting things from others was, in its core, the wrong approach. Well, what I mean is that, while you could do it, there just wasn't any point to relying on someone to walk in and resolve all of your troubles and worries. In the end of it, it was all you. Regardless of how hard they tried, no one else could tell where your pain resided, only you, the one experiencing it, could. That was to say, you had to deal with it yourself. 
My general lack of interests left me hollow throughout. Thinking about it, it really was just Shimamura this, Shimamura that, which filled my empty husk, from the tips of my fingers and toes to the bottom of my stomach. What would become of me if I were ever to lose her? It was that question which had left me like this, and why the answer was so simple. 
I recalled the exchange from yesterday as I walked down the stairs. 
"I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this..." I repeated to myself, as if gathering speed. I could feel my chest trembling. Then, facing forward, I lift both of my hands high. 
"I won't run away!" 
Those words flipped a switch inside me. Ironically, what followed my loud proclamation was me having to run away from the sports hall. 
From moving forward in life to making an escape by foot. It was pretty crazy to think about how much I'd learnt from Eki-Shaman. 
After dropping by the canteen to buy a handful of sandwiches, I began making my way towards the classroom. 
Shimamura was there, and once again, she was surrounded by people. 
Her moderate smile, her eyes which weren't looking my way. Each and every one of those things made me want to hang my head. 
This was where I wanted to be. And yet, there was no gap for me to slide into. 
In that case, I would just have to make one. 
"Shimamura", I called to her, this time refusing to back down. 
It was there that my second year in high school truly began.