Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 10 - Chapter 2

Astray from the Sentiment

I'd always been able to count the things in my room with the just the fingers of my two hands. There had been some loose clothes, a few mementos, and honestly, not much else.

I was currently in the process of peeling myself away from it, away from that room lacking in anything that could be called entertainment. Considering how many years I had spent there, it was honestly shocking how empty the cardboard box now containing all of my material belongings felt.

Sitting there on my bed for the one last time, I found my mind being flooded by the most trivial of memories.

The day I ran away from Shimamura's house and spent the rest of the day screaming into my pillow.

The time I wanted to call her but instead stared at my phone for hours wondering if I should or shouldn't.

The sleepless nights preceding a big day spent tossing and turning in my bed.

...Perhaps those memories weren't quite so trivial after all.

They were all related to Shimamura. It was almost as if my life had only really started after I met her. In a lot of ways, that was actually the case; it really felt like the old me and the current me were two entirely separate persons. Going by this logic, the latter was still very young, which was why it was justifiable that she—me—acted like such a child in front of Shimamura. Right? Right.

The walls and the ceiling of the now-empty room were both the same colour, both equally lifeless. 

I'd been living my life the same way I always had just until yesterday, yet already, the air felt thick with dust as if not a soul had been here for years. "Lifeless" truly was the word to describe the atmosphere of the place. Had my mind already taken a head start to my new life? Perhaps.

It was currently that strange season between winter and spring, leaning slightly more towards the latter. While the rest of the town might have to wait a bit longer, for me, tomorrow officially marked a new beginning.

It was the day Shimamura and I would move in together.

We were both adults now. If nothing else, then at least in terms of our age.

We no longer had to wear our school uniforms. Our hair had grown slightly longer, and the sources of our troubles had likewise changed to accommodate our new surroundings. We could drink alcohol, and—

Well, I could, at least; Shimamura, not so much. Her body simply wasn't made for it. We'd tried taking a few shots as celebration back when we had reached the drinking age, and oh boy, that hadn't ended well.

I'll leave out the details, but let's just say that it had been the one and only appearance of Shimalion.

"Looks like I took after Mom."

That was how Shimamura had commented on the matter after the fact. Speaking of her mother, she really did resemble the woman in quite a few ways.

They were both equally kind and loved by those around them.

There were likely ways in which I, too, resembled my own mother. However, in my case, it was difficult for me to decide whether that was a good thing or not. I often found myself thinking, could things have worked out differently between us? Would it have been possible for us to form a healthier relationship? Of course, this was all just wishful thinking; the time to go back and fix things had long since passed.

"..."

Had there ever been a simpler excuse than it "being too late"?

Perhaps the real reason was that neither of us could be bothered.

When you actually thought about how much work it would take, how much effort it would require to fix our broken relationship—

"...I sound like Shimamura."

There was no reason that realisation should've made me as happy as it did.

I spent the next few moments like that, reminiscing about the past, before realising what time it was and promptly exiting the room. The sound of my footsteps as I made my way down the stairs sounded exactly like it had back when I had still been in high school. I remembered talking about how my room was on the second floor with Shimamura once. She'd sounded really jealous, although to this day, I couldn't tell you why.

Once downstairs, I poked my head into the living room, only for my eyes to meet those of my mother currently sitting on the sofa. The woman scanned me from head to toe before opening her mouth:

"You want dinner?"

"I'm eating outside."

"Sure."

That was all she said to me before once again turning away. I did the same, and quickly made my way to the front door.

Was this how everyone interacted with their parents?

I had to imagine that Shimamura's final night at her childhood home was at least a bit more lively than this. That, or perhaps not. How would I even know? Speaking of, how was her little sister going to react? Would she cry? If she was really as similar to me as Shimamura claimed, then that wouldn't be completely out of the realm of possibility. She might even cling to her and beg her not to leave if that was the case. And what about Shimamura herself? How was she going to take that?

Before I knew it, my thoughts had once again shifted away from my own family to Shimamura's.

It just went to show how little the former really meant to me.

Same thing with my mother.

Even if one of us did have thoughts about the matter, I doubt we were ever going to discuss them.

How did it feel for a parent to see their child leave home, for their family to permanently shrink?

Seeing how I was likely never going to have children of my own, the chances were that I wouldn't ever get to know.

After a bit of walking, I was met by just the sight I had been hoping for—the lights were still on. Good.

I hadn't actually checked whether the place was still open before coming here, meaning that if it hadn't been, we might have needed to significantly alter our plans.

Much like all those years ago, the restaurant's unique colour scheme consisting mostly of red and yellow caused it to stick out like a sore thumb compared to the other buildings in the area. Then again, perhaps that was the point. Leaving those sorts of thoughts behind me, I swiftly made my way through the parking lot and had a look inside.

When was the last time I had used this door and not the one in the back?

"Welcome! Hmm?"

I immediately recognized the person greeting me as my former manager, and she quickly recognized me back.

"Coming in as a customer today?"

With her arms remaining crossed, she waddled her way over to me with ridiculously large steps. It had been years ago, yet despite that, the woman still appeared exactly like she had the day we'd last met. Her pronunciation hadn't gotten any better, either.

"Good evening."

"Welcome, welcome."

"I know it's been a while since I stopped working here, but..."

I had not visited the restaurant once since graduating high school and promptly quitting my part-time job, and with us moving away from this area entirely, the chances were that there wouldn't come a second time after this. That combined with the fact that I wasn't much of a food person was what had compelled me to choose this restaurant in particular.

"I'm moving away tomorrow, so I thought I would drop by to say goodbye."

"I see, I see", the woman replied while nodding her head. Apparently she hadn't, as it was only a few moments later that she added the following: "Like, goodbye-goodbye?"

"Yes, exactly."

"I'll miss you."

"...Really?"

"Hmm... No, likely not."

Ahahaha, she laughed. I'd figured as much. That said, there was something quite relieving about seeing the woman act like her old carefree self after all these years. While some things kept changing, others remained the same.

"So, what would you like? We have everything here."

Sure they did.

"Let me show you to your table."

I ended up being seated at the table nearest to the front door. Sitting there, I couldn't help but find myself reminiscing about the time I had worked here as a waitress.

My China Dress had been quite popular among the clientele, I heard. Not that I cared what others thought.

Except for one person.

"So, you're now old enough to smoke, right?"

"Shouldn't you have asked that before finding me a seat?"

Not only that, all of the seats here were smoke-free, so I wasn't really sure what the woman was getting at.

"Hmph. Still as boring as ever."

"Thanks."

I ordered today's special, prompting the manager to disappear into the kitchen area. A girl quickly appeared to take her place. She was wearing a uniform, though unlike the China Dress I'd been made to wear, this one didn't randomly leave a part of her body exposed. Had the times finally caught up? That was one of the many thoughts that crossed my mind as I sat there waiting for my food to appear.

While there were lots of things about the experience that I hadn't enjoyed, far too many to even list here, it had led to Shimamura praising my appearance, and for that alone, I had no choice but to consider it an ultimately positive thing to have happened to me.

In the end, if you had to sum me up in a single word, that word would be "Shimamura". Not to say that I was Shimamura. Just... she described me perfectly.

I probably thought about her more than she did herself. Therefore, if there existed a way to measure one's "Shimamura-ness", the chances were that I would have her beat.

There were no other customers around besides me. If I had to take a wild guess, that likely had something to do with how early I had gotten here. Even the girl I mentioned earlier was just standing there doing nothing. Now that was something I could relate with; I'd yet to get over how weird it felt being paid the same regardless of how much actual work you did any given day.

"......"

I closed my eyes and breathed in the air around me. It smelled completely different from normal.

I had spent my entire life—all those years—here, yet come tomorrow, I'd be leaving it all behind. Don't get me wrong: It wasn't as if I was running away from home. Rather, I'd found myself seeking something that could only be found elsewhere. I felt no reluctance to leave everything I currently had behind, and it was exactly those feelings that I was missing.

To put it short, I wanted something to attach myself to.

Why?

I wasn't sure. And yet, I sought it regardless.

I suppose it would be fair to say that what I was going through right now was very similar to how one felt the night before getting married. Not that I'd ever been married.

Then again, what was "marriage" if not joining your life with another person and building a new home for the two of you to share?

Nothing had even begun yet, and already, I didn't want to let go.

My food ended up arriving shortly. The person who brought it to me was surprisingly not the girl, but rather, the manager herself. Chao Fan and a tiny bowl of ramen, followed by a whole single piece of jello as dessert. Pathetic. And if you thought that was bad enough, then wait until you hear about the fried chicken; the pieces were all clumped together like some kind of a reef, and while staring at them did bring back all sorts of memories, I also couldn't help but wonder how on earth I was going to eat this all.

"Was the daily special always this... extravagant?"

"Depends on the day. Hahaha", the woman laughed before adding the following: "Make sure you wear the dress while you still can."

She then turned around and got back to "work".

What an ominous thing to say. I found myself thinking quite hard about the woman's remark.

Wear it while you still can, huh?

Personally, I would've thought it was something you could wear regardless of your age. Was it not?

I decided to go with the former.

Rubbing my belly as I made my way back home, there was only one thought that crossed my mind: those pieces of fried chicken really had been too much.

There was only so much cheap garbage you could eat for the sake of the good old times alone. By the end there, I had barely been able to tell what the food tasted like.

My step felt as heavy as my insides. My hair had also decided to act particularly uncooperative today, and while combing it to the side, I found myself having a look at the sky above.

The night sky truly was the one thing in this world that had managed to resist the flow of time.

There were so many people out there who I would never get to meet again, so many paths that I would never be able to walk down. And yet, the sky remained exactly how I remembered it from all those years ago.

Had someone told me that this was this was the sort of future that awaited me back in high school, one where I actually felt some sort of attachment to what was happening around me, I'm almost certain that I wouldn't have believed them. Conversely, now that I was here, ever going back to that mindset was the last thing I wanted to do.

"Ah, if it isn't Adachichi."

"Chi-Chi."

Was that supposed to be referring to me? I quickly turned around, only to meet eyes with Hino and Nagafuji. It'd been so many years since I had last met the two that I couldn't even recall where it had happened, yet if I was being honest, neither of them really appeared to look any different.

Hino was carrying a fishing rod on her shoulder, and as for Nagafuji, she was spinning her index finger around for whatever reason. Completely unprovoked, the two then began circling me. The two... Or was it perhaps "the three"? That's right; it appeared that a third person had joined the circle at some point. Upon closer inspection, I was able to identify her as none other than the strange blue-haired girl who I'd had the pleasure—or displeasure—to encounter quite a few times over the years.

Unsure as to how I was meant to react here, I found myself standing completely still. Not that I could have moved much even if I wanted to.

This charade lasted for about five more laps in total, after which Hino and Nagafuji turned towards me with wide smiles on their faces.

"That was all. Take care of Shimamura, alright?"

"Bye bye, Chi-Chi!"

"Wish you the best!"

And with that, they ran off. I attempted to respond with some mixture of "okay" and "thanks", though I'm unsure whether my voice was able to reach them in the end.

It was quite... strange, wasn't it?

There was a chance—and a pretty good one at that—that this would be the last time we ever saw one another. And yet, unless you knew about it beforehand, would you be able to tell that based on the way we had acted here? Perhaps it just went to show how superficial our relationship had always been—how cold of a person I was.

For the most part, I had no interest whatsoever towards other people, and given that, it only made sense that they wouldn't care about me either.

Assuming that person was the real me, then who on earth was the me who kept on chasing after Shimamura?

This question was one I often found myself thinking about.

Anyway...

"Good evening."

It was the blue-haired girl who spoke, having been left behind by the other two. She probably had a name as well, yet not one that I could for the life of me recall at the moment. As for her clothing, she was wearing a full-body pyjama, which judging by the shape of the massive beak extending from the back of the hood, I assume was meant to be designed to look like a platypus.

"G-Good evening to you too."

"Hohoho."

"You're not going to go with them?" I asked her while pointing at the figures of Hino and Nagafuji now far in the distance.

"Why would I?" the girl asked me back with a puzzled look on her face. "I only joined them because I thought it would be fun to spin around."

"I see..."

I waited for a few moments, yet the girl still remained there. I took a step forward, and she quickly followed after me. Three large hops backwards? Nope, not enough to shake her off. In the end, we were both left staring at each other—me completely motionless, and her softly swaying from side to side, almost like one of those dolls that always bounced back no matter how hard you tried to push it. I could only hope that there was no one around to see us, because if there was, I must have had looked absolutely ridiculous.

"Hohoho", the girl laughed at me in the most innocent of ways. This wasn't good. Seeing her smile, I was once again made to face the fact that I knew absolutely nothing about dealing with children. I was fully aware of my tendency to talk to people with a certain amount of hostility, and even I could tell you, that wasn't how you were meant to approach kids. 

"Is something the matter?"

That's what I wanted to ask her. Why was she following me?

"It's just... I'm just not sure what's going on in your mind."

"Hahaha. What are you even talking about? Of course you aren't. There is no one out there who can read the mind of another."

For how casually the girl had thrown out her reply, I actually found myself surprisingly taken aback by it.

"Huh. Right."

A pretty smart platypus, wasn't she? Staring at the girl, another realisation quickly passed my mind.

Very rarely had I ever come across her by myself.

Usually, it was Shimamura who she followed.

Shimamura...

I puffed my cheeks and gave the girl a disapproving look, to which she responded with a wide smile.

"I also love you very much, Adachi."

"Huh? Oh, err... Thanks."

It was equally rare for people to tell me that they loved me. Other than Shimamura, the girl might well have been the first one. Even my parents had never said it to my face. Whether they loved me or not, I had no idea.

As it turned out, expressing your affection towards another was one of the most difficult tasks a person could be faced with.

Only children were able to do it freely, and it was for that reason exactly that I found them so mysterious.

Speaking of mysterious, why were the hair and nails of this girl blue again?

It had always bothered me quite a bit, yet when it came to Shimamura, she barely seemed to even notice.

"I believe you should love everyone around you equally."

"Okay..."

While I didn't want to start arguing with a little kid in public, I actually wasn't sure if I agreed.

I went ahead and imagined how it would feel if Shimamura were to adopt such a philosophy.

Her smiling not only at me, but at everyone equally...

Me no longer being special to her in any way...

I couldn't stand the thought. I honestly couldn't.

It was to a point where I had to go back and change my answer.

"Actually, I disagree."

"Alright."

No argument ensued. Instead, we ended up walking side by side in silence.

I did wonder how far she was planning on following me, but when I asked her about it, all I got for an answer was "We will see when we get there". How strange. Mysterious, even.

"You will always wind up somewhere in the end. Does it really matter where that is?"

"Huh. Maybe it doesn't..."

"It doesn't. And it didn't."

It didn't? What on earth was she talking about? I ended up not having much time to think about it, as she quickly added the following:

"Speaking of. It has been quite a while since the last time, has it not, Adachi?"

"I guess?"

"About 7199 years, to be exact."

"Err... What?"

"Hohoho. Good to see that you are still in high spirits."

Instead of an answer to any of the thousand questions that had popped up in my mind, all I ended up receiving was yet another innocent smile.

The very first thing I heard as I returned home was my mother's voice. She sounded almost... upbeat. How unusual. Then again, given how little we talked, that might have been her normal voice for all I knew.

It sounded like she was having a conversation with someone. Should I say something? Or was it rude to interrupt them? I ended up not having to make a decision one way or another, as quickly after, the woman noticed me on her own.

Squinting slightly, she stated the following.

"Welcome back."

"I'm home..."

What a lousy exchange. And yet, this would likely end up being our last.

I went ahead and made my way past her.

"Yeah yeah. My daughter just came back home. Hmm? Why?"

After a moment of hesitation, the woman turned over to my direction and handed me the phone.

"...What?"

What now?

"She said she wanted to talk to you."

"Who did?"

A heavy sigh left my mother's mouth, as if telling me to just take the phone already. I did as told, and pressed the device against my ear.

Who could it be? A relative of mine? No one really came to mind.

"Hello?"

"Howdy, Adachi!"

"Ah. You're..."

Immediately, I could tell that the person on the other end of the call was none other than Shimamura's mother. Out of all the people I knew, she was the only one who spoke in such a ridiculously cheerful tone of voice. It seemed that at some point, our mothers had come to know each other quite well. I was pretty sure that Shimamura was more familiar with the whole situation, although now that I thought about it, we'd never really discussed the details of it, had we? There were a great many things that popped up into my mind whenever I had the opportunity to see her, but that wasn't one of them.

Shifting my attention towards the matter at hand, Shimamura's mother had something she wanted to talk with me about. What could that be? I'm just going to take a wild guess and say that it likely had to do with her daughter.

"Mama Shimamura A, reporting in!"

"Right..."

Mama A? Did that imply the existence of Mama B?

"Hehehe. It's kinda funny."

What was? Barely had I had time to think about it when the woman already continued talking:

"You both have the same cold, emotionless voice."

While as equally vague as her previous comment, this time, I didn't have to think twice about who she was referring to.

I had a quick glance at my mother standing next to me. She looked genuinely uncomfortable, almost as if she would rather have been anywhere else.

"How have you been holding up?"

"G-Good."

I was instantly reminded of that thing Shimamura had made me do all those years ago. Even now, we still sometimes went through the routine, and each time, I felt like I was going to die from embarrassment.

"I must say, Adachi. You have quite the strange type."

"Err... What?"

"I hope you're prepared, because if there's one thing I know about our Hougetsu, it's that she's as high-maintenance as they come."

The woman went on to list all sorts of negative things about her daughter, like how she was super messy, couldn't stick to a schedule, and sucked at cooking. I honestly couldn't believe my ears; from my point of view, Shimamura had a genuinely good grasp on her life, at least more so than me. Yet the way her mother described her, it almost sounded like she was talking about an entirely different person. Then again, perhaps that was simply the way family worked; when you shared a roof with someone, it was easy to become fixated on their shortcomings.

Me, on the other hand, I was able to see Shimamura in her entirety.

"Are you a cooking man, Adachi?"

"Not a man, so..."

"Well, a cooking girl then."

"I don't really know how to cook, if that's what you're asking."

Food didn't bring me the sort of joy it appeared to bring certain people, and so, I had never felt the need to get good at making it.

"Oh, but I did once make Okonomiyaki for her, if that counts..."

"Right. That did happen."

"Huh?"

"I assume. I wasn't there, obviously."

"Right..."

This was so difficult. Not to say that I disliked talking with her. I was just terrible at it. If I had to take a guess, I imagined that my mother also felt that way.

"Err... Even if Shimamura is as 'high-maintenance' as you say, I—"

Hypothetically, of course, I went ahead and added in my mind.

"I am going to do everything I can to support her."

I'd do that, and as I did, Shimamura too would be there to "support me" in her own way.

That was what I wanted to believe—what I chose to believe.

"Huh. How admirable."

"Thank you..."

"I will also say that Hougetsu can be a real sleepyhead, so if she ever refuses to get up, don't hesitate to give her a good ol' kick on the butt."

"Umm... And what if she's sleeping on her back?"

Really? That was my biggest concern?

"In that case, you just need to turn her over, and then kick her."

Why was it that the woman wanted me to kick her daughter so badly? If I'm being completely honest, I'm not even sure if I had it in me.

It was simply not possible for me to imagine myself purposefully doing something to hurt Shimamura. And I didn't mean that in some sort of romantic way; it felt more like I was being bound by a curse, like I had signed a supernatural contract which made it physically impossible for me to do that. If you think I was exaggerating, then trust me, I wish I was.

"So, yeah."

"Huh?"

Were we done already?

"In conclusion, please take good care of my idiot daughter."

I could've sworn that the woman was talking a bit faster than normal as she said that. It almost sounded like she felt slightly... embarrassed.

"I... I will. Thank you."

Thank you? For what?

"As long as you get along, that is all that matters."

"Right."

"Understood?"

"Y-Yes. Understood."

"Good."

Sounding satisfied with my answer, she finally let me go.

I somewhat understood what the purpose of this call had been. At the same time, I also didn't. The way the woman went out of her way to dance around every single topic had made it simply too incomprehensible for me.

Perhaps Shimamura would've been able to decipher her and give a proper reply, but not me.

I didn't even really know what our relationship was. Were we family? Strangers? Or something in between?

"Hey", I heard my mother say with her hand held out. It seemed like she wanted her phone back. I gave it to her, and she quickly returned over to the sofa.

"Hmm? Why hasn't she hung up yet?"

The look on her face quickly transformed from that of curiosity to annoyance as she placed the device on her ear.

"Seriously? You still want to talk? God, just shut up already..."

I figured that I should probably hurry back to my room unless I wanted to be roped into yet another strange conversation, and so, that was exactly what I wound up doing.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, but the strange girl from earlier had thankfully not followed me all the way home. Instead, she had simply kept on walking by herself after I stopped. There'd been something surreal, almost dreamlike about the way her glowy hair left behind a blue trail in the darkness of the night. Perhaps it had actually been a dream. I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Even then, at least some of the events of today must have had been real, as proven by the sense of fullness I still felt weighing down my stomach.

The very first thing I did after reaching my room was to check my phone. Still no message from Shimamura. I'd sent her a text a while earlier asking if it was okay for me to call her, though judging by her lack of response, it might be that she was already in bed. It used to make me terribly anxious whenever she failed to reply to my messages, and even these days, it was hardly something that I enjoyed. The big difference was that over the years, I'd gained enough confidence to be able to tell myself that she was going to respond eventually—that she wouldn't just leave me. Shimamura was a truly kind person, and unlike back when we had first met, she no longer tried to hide it.

While a part of me wanted to say that I had been what caused this change in her, that also sounded like the height of hubris.

I flicked on the lights, hopped onto my bed, and rested my back against the wall. Holding my phone with both of my hands, I then proceeded to wait for Shimamura to message me back. I couldn't even begin to count how many times I had done this exact routine. And yet, come tomorrow, it would be no more. That, if anything, was proof that I was actually making progress—that my life wasn't simply a pendulum swinging in place.

The closer I got to it, the harder it became for me to comprehend that this was actually happening.

It was as if my mind was shattering at the thought of a dream I had felt was forever beyond my grasp becoming reality.

Some time later, my phone at last rang. I didn't even bother checking who it was. Only one person ever texted me.

"Sorry, sorry. I was in bed."

"I know."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. A few more moments passed, after which Shimamura finally called me.

"Hello."

"Evening, Chi-Chi."

"Is that just what everyone calls me now?"

"Huh? Who else does?"

"Forget about it..."

I leaned more towards the wall, and doing so, wound up shifting my eyes towards the ceiling lights.

The lamps in my room had never been all that bright, which allowed me to stare directly at them without having to look away.

"Good evening."

"Yeah, yeah. Now then... I assume there isn't something you needed to tell me?"

"Nope. Just wanted to hear your voice."

I could hear her giggle on the other end of the call.

"Should've just waited for tomorrow then. We are going to be seeing each other every single day from now on."

I genuinely cannot tell you how good it felt hearing those words come out of her mouth. It was like winter had turned into spring inside my body.

"Right. I guess that means no more phone calls then either."

"It doesn't have to, does it? There's no law against calling someone inside the same house."

"Oh... Yeah. Maybe we could install a string phone."

Truth be told, I'd never actually used—much less built—one of those. I just knew that they existed. How might Shimamura's voice sound like coming through a string and a pair of tin cans? I really wanted to hear it now. More than that, I wanted to hear every variation of her voice. I wanted to create an archive of them in my mind, which I could then listen back to whenever I felt like it, leading to me wanting to hear her voice again. It would be a self-fuelling loop—a cycle of endless joy.

"Hehe... Ehehehe... Hehehe."

Shimamura continued giggling. Rather than actually being amused by something, it more sounded like she was trying to stall the conversation. Could it be that she too was nervous about the future? Over the years, it had become the norm for us to see each other pretty much every single day, yet starting tomorrow, we would be going far beyond that. We would straight up be sharing our lives. That was something neither of us had experienced before. While that did mean that there might be downsides to it that we weren't able to anticipate, the positive aspects were, without a doubt, going to outweigh them.

"It's kinda crazy to think that we are going to be living together from tomorrow onwards."

"...Are you against it?"

"If I was, I wouldn't have spent all that time looking for an apartment. No, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"Moving's a real hassle. I've still gotta pack all my stuff. Blegh."

"Blegh..." I repeated after her. Not sure if I was quite able to capture the same emotion, though. Regardless, it didn't sound like she secretly hated the idea of us moving in together. That was good.

"It'll be fun if we do it together. Probably..."

While I would've preferred to be able to say that with more confidence, she wasn't necessarily wrong. There was quite a lot of stuff we needed to carry over, some of it even pretty heavy. It was like we were being served a dose of reality as punishment for being willing to dream. And yet, for me, all it did was make me more thirsty.

"I'm really looking forward to it myself. I'm not sure if I'm even going to be able to sleep tonight."

Wouldn't be the first time for me. Between being too scared, too excited, or just generally unable to, there was rarely a night when I was able to sleep normally.

For someone as frail as me, I sure was doing a lot of moving around.

It was almost as if I was receiving some sort of energy directly from Shimamura that kept my arms and legs in constant motion.

I'd always liked that theory. It felt very accurate.

Simply saying it out loud was enough to satisfy an organ I didn't know existed inside my body.

"Our own house. Shimamura's and mine..."

"Ahahaha."

"Th-That's one firm laugh..."

"Sorry. I was gonna nod my head, but ended up laughing instead."

How did that explain anything? What exactly was she laughing at?

Even now, there were still aspects to her that I wasn't fully able to wrap my head around.

"Normally, you'd say 'Mine and Shimamura's'. It's so like you to flip it the other way around."

Right. I guess you would say that normally. As it turned out, my "normal" was a bit different.

"It's because it would all be meaningless without you."

That's why I put her name first. She was the first step, where it all began. While some might find having yourself begin from someone else a contradictory statement, for me personally, it made me happy beyond words.

"I get what you mean. I also can't really imagine leaving home and starting a new life without you."

"Really...?"

From everything I'd seen, I got the impression that Shimamura very much enjoyed her life at home. And yet, she'd still chosen to move in with me. There were no words to express the amount of gratitude I felt towards her for making that decision. It was to a point where she'd felt the need to repeatedly tell me that I hadn't pressured her into this.

That she was doing it out of her own volition—because she wanted to.

"Say... Have you talked with your family about this?"

"Huh? Like, today?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think that my folks are quite that—Actually, never mind. I just remembered that we did have a short conversation. Then again, there is also a certain person who can't read the room at all living with us, so I guess that balances it out. Actually, can she even read in the first place? Sometimes, I just don't know..."

While I didn't really get that last part, the gist of what she was saying seemed to be that it was normal to talk with your parents about moving away from home.

"I take it that you haven't really talked with your mom, Adachi?"

"Yeah... I haven't. At all."

"At all?"

"Yes."

That wasn't an exaggeration. It really did feel like I'd already stopped living here.

The hours flew past me, and before I knew it, it was already night.

"It's a bit strange, isn't it?"

"Yep."

Whereas someone else might have given a more roundabout answer, Shimamura went straight for it. Whether it was because she was too tired to dance around the topic or just couldn't be bothered, that I didn't know.

"Then again, you're always a bit strange, Adachi."

"Huh?"

"Ahem. Moving along..."

Were we really just going to leave it at that? I guess so. Still, to be fair towards myself, I did feel like I'd gotten slightly better at maintaining my composure around Shimamura compared to how I had been before. Slightly.

"You might be a little strange, but not in a weird way."

"Thanks?"

"It would be nice if every mother was able to perfectly understand their child and vice versa, but life isn't always so simple. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it takes serious effort, both mental and physical, to get along with another person. The fact that you and your mother don't is totally understandable."

"Right..."

That was more or less how I felt about the subject too. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't bring me quite a bit of joy to hear that Shimamura agreed.

"Still, just because there isn't much of a relationship between you currently, it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way forever. Like, there was a time when we were just ordinary classmates. We didn't live close by to each other, we hadn't been together in our past lives... Well, I assume, at least. Regardless, you get what I'm saying, right? If it really was the case that relationships required some sort of a pre-existing connection, then there'd be no way that we would ever even have gotten to know each other."

"Yeah... Right. That makes sense."

It'd been purely by chance that we'd ended up meeting. While there had been plenty of decisions along the way made with the sole intention of getting us to where we were right now, the one that had started it all, the decision to go up to the second floor of the sports gym that fateful day, hadn't been based on anything but us simply feeling like it.

If it had happened once, surely it could happen again, right?

Perhaps. And yet, I've been so focused on Shimamura that the thought never even crossed my mind.

It was honestly shocking just how simple-minded of a person I was.

"I don't need anyone else. As long as I have you, I'm happy."

I owed everything I was—my entire world—to her.

For as long as I continued seeking Shimamura, I had nothing to lose.

"Well, if you really feel that way, then I'm not going to try to change your mind."

"Thanks..."

Her voice as she said that felt so soft, almost like she was singing a lullaby. I found myself leaning forward and hugging my knees by instinct.

A few moments later, I heard a light yawn leaving Shimamura's mouth.

"It's weird. I just woke up, and I'm already feeling tired."

"Do you want to end the call soon?"

"Now that's something I haven't heard you say before."

"I want to leave something for tomorrow as well."

"Oh, no, no. I'm sure that we will have plenty to talk about."

The conviction in Shimamura's words—something rarely heard in her voice—caused my chest to tighten with happiness.

She was right. If there was one thing the two of us would have going forward, it was time.

I went ahead and pressed my back against the bedroom wall. On the other side of it, I could feel Shimamura leaning against me.

"Right. Let's continue this conversation tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

Between the future that awaited me and the promise we'd just made, which one made me feel happier? I'm going to cheat and say both.

While I had gotten more than used to the prospect of eating without company over the years, my final meal in this place I used to—and would no longer after today—call home ended up not being one such occasion.

My mother had gotten up particularly early that morning to make us breakfast. We were currently sitting at the dining table facing one another, neither of us looking like we had any interest whatsoever in starting a conversation. We'd exchanged hollow greetings, but after that, nothing. Just silence.

"Eat up", the woman finally stated, the tone of her voice sounding equal part bored and awkward.

"Yeah."

I went ahead and grabbed myself a piece of toast. Watching me nibble small pieces off it, the woman proceeded to get started on her own salad. While people normally ate their food, the word I'd use to describe her was consume; nothing about her appearance gave the impression that she was particularly enjoying the process. It felt much more mechanical, like something she did solely out of necessity. While it was difficult for me to say myself, I had to imagine that it wasn't all that different from how I looked as well.

Normally, we would already be done by this point, yet here we still were. Still eating.

It was as if the woman's presence was making it increasingly difficult for the food to pass down my throat, and I could only assume that those feelings were mutual.

Had it always been like this? Had we always been this distant? The answer to both of those questions was a resounding "no"; the connections which used to exist between us had ended up degrading over the years, and because neither of us could be bothered to put in the effort necessary to maintain them, they had simply ended up fading away. It might have been possible to resurrect them at some point, but now? It was simply far too late; all that stood between the present and me leaving this house for good was a single slice of toast.

While "helplessness" wasn't necessarily the right word to describe the emotion I was currently experiencing, it did feel like I was on the verge of permanently losing a part of myself.

Meanwhile, the morning sun continued shining bright. What a perfect excuse for me to shift my gaze away.

Even without looking it was clear to me that my mother was likely doing the same.

She ended up being the first to finish, followed by her immediately leaving the table to wash her plate. I had to wonder, what exactly had been the point of us having breakfast together if we were just going to be silent the whole time? She knew this was going to happen, it was how it always went, yet she'd chosen to sit down with me regardless. Why?

I couldn't even begin to guess what went on in her mind. Then again, how could I when we never even talked? Huh... Maybe it really was that simple. Maybe we should just talk.

I lifted my head and stared at the woman, currently doing the dishes with her back turned towards me. She was right there, well in my reach, yet at the same time, I got the impression that she was going to crumble down like an aged wall were I to touch her.

Both my body and mind alike were stopping me from taking the necessary step forward. It felt like I was being choked, both literally and figuratively.

I desperately looked around in an attempt to find something, anything that could be used as a bridge to start a conversation. There had to be something, right? It couldn't all be over, could it? It was only when the last piece of toast travelled down my throat that the realization hit me:

This really was it. The things I had taken for granted my whole life were no more.

"Thanks. It was good."

That was all that I was able to muster: Not the start of a conversation, but rather, a simple phrase, one that I'd repeated countless times.

"You're welcome."

My mother's response came out equally short. If there still had been some sort of a thread left connecting us, it was now fully severed.

No more reasons to stop. No more opportunities to rekindle what had been lost.

With breakfast out of the way, I proceeded to wrap up the rest of my morning routine. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on makeup, and finally, made my way over to the front door.

This was it. There'd be no turning back after this.

"Bye..." I stated quietly over my shoulder. Over the years, it had become a habit of mine to say that whenever I left home, regardless of whether there was anyone there to hear me or not. It was as if I was talking to the building itself.

However, this time, it was different. I would not be returning. Ever. What would be the right thing to say here?

Other than "goodbye", nothing else really came to mind.

I took the last remaining pair of shoes and put them on. I couldn't even remember when I'd bought them, yet they were going to be what would take me away from this place—take me to happiness.

Speaking of feet, I remembered Shimamura once giving me a foot massage as a joke. Or rather, I remembered the idea of it; my mind had gone completely blank as soon as she started, making it impossible for me to recall what had actually taken place. I had tons of memories like that. While thinking about them was in some ways embarrassing, they also filled me with immense joy. I could feel my body growing lighter. I wanted to go.

I wanted to go see Shimamura.

"Sakura."

When was the last time someone had called me directly by my given name? I don't know why, but something about it made my skin crawl.

I quickly turned around, only to be met by the sight of my mother staring back at me with her hands on her hips. Whether it was the lack of makeup or something else, I could've sworn that she looked older than I remembered. It was as if the years that had been skipped between now and when I'd been a baby had come rushing in all at once.

"Sakura..." she repeated again, this time while scratching her forehead. I replied in the form of a nod, followed by a small grunt. Silence then ensued. Was it fair to say that we'd made progress if back in the day, we wouldn't even have gotten this far? I could feel shivers travelling up my neck, and I knew it couldn't be the wind because the door was still closed.

The silence lasted for a few more moments until eventually, my mother closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

And so, without even the slightest change in the expression on her face, she at last let me go.

"Bye then."

I could only begin to guess how much time it had taken her to wind up going with those particular words.

As for Shimamura, what might the words her parents chose for her have sounded like? Probably not quite so conclusive—so final.

"Yeah."

Having finally finished putting on my shoes, I then turned around, placed my feet firmly against the floor, and leapt off.

Through the front door into the cold spring morning I ran.

With the sound of my footsteps lagging behind me, gently stroking my hair.

Never before had I felt this free—free of all baggage, free to go wherever I wanted.

It was a similar—albeit a much stronger—sensation to what I experienced when mindlessly riding by bike to work.

A sensation of emptiness.

In the end, there was nothing binding me to this house, to this town.

I belonged nowhere. It was honestly a pretty sad thing to be forced to face.

It'd taken me till the very end to realise that it hadn't all been that bad.

That was the kind of person I was. As was she most likely.

And yet, I...

I...

It was there that my voice broke, shattering into a million little pieces for me to pick up and put back together.

All the while, my feet continued carrying me forward. There was no rhyme or reason to their movements, and as such, no hesitation. After what felt like a lifetime's worth of walking, I was at last able to reach the city.

My breathing felt heavy. My body was on fire. Gravity was pushing down hard on my shoulders, and with it, there was mixed in a smell I couldn't recognize.

Any tears that had been forming in the corners of my eyes had been fully blown away by the spring wind.

There at last, I was able to put into words my final message to my mother.

It wasn't the case that it was too late for it. Hardly.

After all, this wasn't something that I could ever have said to her face.

We'd both made our fair share of mistakes.

And yet...

Mother.

The future looks bright for me.

I am never going to call you. I am never going to come visit you. I am never going to ask you for anything.

I will show you with my actions, not my words.

That I am truly happy.