Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 1 - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Adachi Question

I had a dream where I kissed Shimamura. 
For a while after I woke up, I just sat there in my bed. All sorts of thoughts flew through my mind as I ruffled my hair, filled with self-hatred. 
Grumbling quietly, my head filled with excuses. 
I wasn't like that, I wasn't. I bet Shimamura wasn't either. As such, having such a dream about her was completely inexcusable. If she knew, she'd likely start avoiding me, keeping her distance. I had to stay silent, no matter what. 
I hadn't felt the touch of her lips. Obviously not; I had never touched them, and didn't know what they felt like. And yet, the softness of her fingers from earlier was still fresh in my mind. The vividness of that memory made me feel uncomfortable, as if I had just peered into the subconscious wishes which dwelt inside me. My heart wouldn't calm down. 
We had been in Shimamura's room (where I'd never been) watching TV together. She had sat against the wall, and I had sat between her legs, leaning against her. Smiling gently, in a way I had never seen her smile before, Shimamura looked only at me, and then, brought her face closer. I turned my head to look at her, and she... Every little thing I remembered caused me to become ever more flustered. Cold sweat covered my body. 
A dream like that probably just indicated that I wanted to become slightly better friends with her, right? Wanting to be special to her in some small way, closer than her other friends. Like, for example, while other people called her "Shimamura", I alone would use her first name. That sort of "special". Well, to be fair, calling her anything other than "Shimamura" at this point would probably just make both of us feel uncomfortable. Furthermore, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't recall her first name. 
Most likely, Shimamura would always be "Shimamura" to me. 
For an unknown reason, something about that made me feel relaxed. It was like a bit of tension had suddenly been released. I liked it. 
And there you have it. I wasn't like that. There was no deeper meaning to the kiss. 
"...There's not." 
I couldn't completely deny wanting to do it. At the same time, I wasn't sure if I did want it. 
Imagine this situation for an example: sleeping Shimamura, no people around in a 5 kilometre radius, and an omnipotent god telling me that she wouldn't wake up for the next 24 hours no matter what happened. By the 23-hour mark, I'd probably be so bored that I might go ahead and try doing it once. 
What I'm trying to say is, that's how not interested I was. Yes, not interested. 
"Wait, do the circumstances even matter, or is it just always weird to think about wanting to try it? Hmm..." 
If Shimamura, on the other hand, said that she wanted to kiss me, I probably wouldn't say no. 
I might be a little taken aback and confused, but I don't think I would be against it. 
Yes, that definitely was weird. 
I could worry about it all I wanted, but it'd never help me carry that weight. 
Again, to repeat, I wasn't like that. 
I just wanted Shimamura to think about me more than her other friends. That's all. 
When she heard the word "friend", I wanted to be the first person who came to her mind. 
And yes, I understood how selfish that was. 

In truth, ever since I met Shimamura, I'd been wondering just how close a friend she saw me as. Was I like any other friend to her, or maybe special in some way? The fact that she so rarely spoke of herself or other people made it really difficult to judge. 
Shimamura seemed like she didn't understand me well, but rest assured, that feeling was mutual. 
If I couldn't tell just by looking, my only option was to ask. 
Shimamura. In what way do you like me? 
Could I really just walk up to her and ask her that? What if she said that she didn't like me? What would I do then? 
As I copied what it said on the blackboard like a robot, my idle mind filled with endless thoughts like those. Mostly regarding the distance between me and Shimamura, which was excusable, considering there wasn't really anything else troubling me at the moment. 
Even if I had tried paying attention to the third period maths lesson, the subject matter was far beyond the comprehension of someone like me who lacked the basics, and as such, the act of copying things down into my notebook was just making me even more bored. Every now and then, I quickly glanced over to Shimamura, sitting in the distance. She seemed slightly tired too, judging from the way she idly gripped her pen. 
Going to class meant having fewer opportunities to talk with Shimamura. We obviously couldn't do it during the class, and even during the short breaks between them, I found it difficult to walk over to her due to the distance between us. Furthermore, Shimamura usually spent the lunch breaks with Hino and Nagafuji. 
Whenever those two were around, I ended up distancing myself. It wasn't like I was afraid of them or anything; I just couldn't get used to the atmosphere they brought with them. That whole "getting along with different types of people and giving them a warm smile" business simply wasn't for me. If that was the kind of commitment—taking other people's feelings into consideration—socialising took, then sign me off. 
Shimamura would never require that sort of reading the mood from me. And yet, there was nothing holding us together, and we easily separated. It was there that I sometimes, even if rarely, wished that she'd leave her other friends and stay with me. 
Now that I had wasted the lunch break, all that remained was the time after school. Quite often, Shimamura left immediately by herself. She had started studying at home to catch up on the lessons she had skipped, I heard. It kinda felt as if at her core, she was a good student. Following her lead, I had ended up starting to do it too—studying at home. 
I spent that day extremely self-conscious, likely due to that dream, and found it impossible to approach her. 
That was true of most of the days, us not meeting. Shimamura basically never invited me to do something with her. Her asking me to come to class with her had been an exception to that, which is why I had been so taken aback. 
I had never met Shimamura during a day off. When we hung around in school, or even when we went somewhere from there, we were always wearing our school uniforms, and I couldn't shake off the feeling that that's the kind of friends we were. 
As such, it was really difficult for me to say anything to her. It always felt like I'd come off as sounding pushy. 
She'd always accept people when they leaned against her, but would never lean against anyone herself. 
That was how I imagined Shimamura in my mind. 

What exactly does "creative new Chinese cuisine" mean? 
Don't ask me, I don't have a clue. And before you think about asking the manager, she most likely doesn't either. 
That sentence, inscribed on a sign outside of where I worked, could be summed up in a single word: mysterious. 
The town where we lived was littered with Taiwanese-style restaurants, though from what I heard, it only seemed to be a thing in this region. The managers and employees were all Taiwanese, and a lot of them didn't even speak Japanese yet. As for the stores themselves, they were always painted yellow and served cheap lunch, and the serving sizes, specifically for the deep-fried stuff, were massive. 
I worked in one of those restaurants. Why? Well, it seemed like I'd get to do something productive with my time. It was better than just loitering around, in my opinion. 
I did kinda wonder what it said about me that I didn't have any plans on Sundays and instead chose to work, but whatever. 
The menus placed on the tables were reused from store to store, it seemed, and all shared the same pictures of the individual dishes. Receiving food that barely resembled what you had ordered was a daily occurrence, to the point that getting what you wanted was actually by far the rarer outcome. This chain also happened to sell manga books, but their volume numbers—much like their contents—were all over the place. A cheap-looking dragon decoration hung from the ceiling, giving the store a subtly exotic feel. 
I was fine working there. What I wasn't fine with, however, was the costume I was made to wear. Why did I alone have to work wearing a China dress? The dress was light blue with embroidered flowers, and the long, vertical slit completely exposed one of my legs. Now, you might have said that the skirt I had to wear to school exposed more of my legs, and you would've been right, but this was a different type of embarrassment. Maybe it was the lustre that did it, who knows. When I asked the old manager lady why none of the other female employees had to wear one, her only answer had been "you're young". Yeah, you didn't need to be smart to figure that one out. 
Though I had been working here ever since the summer vacation and was more or less used to it, I still often found myself getting embarrassed. 
A single car had already been parked in the parking lot that faced the building. There were still two whole minutes left until 5 o'clock, however, and none of the employees were doing anything other than sitting around. Was working precisely the right amount and not a second extra perhaps part of their national character? I, too, stared at the white car through the door, secretly hoping for a quiet day. 
At the exact moment the clock struck five, one of my co-workers, an old lady (obviously Taiwanese), exited the store. She removed the large "Closed" sign hanging over the door, and turned on the lamp indicating that we were open. Having seen this, the doors of the white car parked outside opened. 
The sun had already begun to set, and it was a little dim outside. Fancy inventions such as street lights were obviously unheard of around where we lived, and as such, I couldn't tell much about the figures making their way towards us, other than that they seemed vaguely human. The old lady returned inside (she only spoke broken Japanese), and after her came in a family of four. Barely even looking at who I was speaking to, I repeated the same, routine greeting for what must have been the millionth time by now. 
"Welcome i— Huh?" 
My eyes froze, and I stopped speaking halfway through my sentence. 
The third person to enter, after a middle-aged man and woman, had been Shimamura. 
She quickly noticed me as well and, just like I had, opened her mouth in shock. 
Had I accidentally told her where I worked? I didn't think so. No, this was most likely a pure coincidence. And yet, I couldn't help but be taken aback. This really wasn't something I had been expecting to happen. 
Shimamura was already staring at me, clearly curious about me being there, as well as the dress I was wearing. I immediately hung my head. 
"Oh. Ohh." 
I could feel her eyes scanning me up and down. Had it been anyone other than her doing it, I likely would've started yelling. 
The woman looked over at Shimamura and spoke to her. 
"Your friend?" 
"Yep, from school", she explained shortly, speaking just slightly faster than usual. A bit bluntly, which was explained by the fact that it was her mother she was talking to. 
Picking up on such a slight variation in her tone made me feel kinda happy for some reason, just a little bit. I wonder why. 
These two people with her were likely Shimamura's parents. Her dad was slightly on the chubby side, and gave off a gentle aura. Her mom was thin and had slender legs, but her shoulders were broad. Something about her told me that she was well-disciplined. 
There was one more person standing behind her, sticking very close to her. This was Shimamura's little sister, the one we had talked about the other day. Our eyes met as I glanced at her. She proceeded to stare at me all over, likely curious about the China dress I was wearing. 
"A China dress, huh? So, you work in this kind of place, Adachi?" 
"...This way, please." 
Not wanting to attract the attention of the other employees, I quickly guided them to a table. It was a square table, with two seats on either side. Shimamura's parents sat on the left side, leaving her and her little sister on the right one. The aforementioned girl sat practically glued to her older sister, and was already reaching for the menu. The two were on good terms, it seemed. 
Before bringing them water and taking their orders, I glanced at Shimamura—still staring at me—and whispered. 
"Do you see now why I said it was gonna be embarrassing?" 
No matter how much I pulled, I simply couldn't hide my leg, peeking through the slit. 
"Come on, you don't need to feel embarrassed. I think it looks good on you", she said back to me with a lively smile on her face, clearly wanting to tease me. Though it was quite rare to see such an innocent expression on Shimamura's face, it didn't exactly feel like I was being praised. It was more like, she had just said it to see what would happen. 
"So, your name is Adachi?" 
The one speaking this time was Shimamura's mom. In the corner of my eye, I could see Shimamura's smile disappear and turn into a frown. 
"Yes, Adachi." 
"Hmm, and you're her friend? Ah, it was so much easier before she entered high school. Nowadays, she rarely brings her friends over, and I have no idea who they are." 
"Haa..." 
"That's because you don't need to know, Mom. Stop asking her questions." 
Shimamura shook her hand in an attempt to interrupt her mom, clearly annoyed. I could definitely understand her feelings. 
"Is she in your class?" 
"I told you, stop it!" Shimamura raised her voice. She was still shaking her hand, and seemed even more irritated than before. 
"What?" her mom laughed back, deciding not to pay attention to her daughter's obvious dissatisfaction. This situation was one that my family too was very familiar with, I felt. I was no stranger to self-consciousness fuelled feuds with my parents, especially when I had still been in middle school. 
Nevertheless, seeing Shimamura act all flustered in front of me helped me calm down myself, just a little bit. 
"So, why did you... Ummm..." 
I wanted to ask her why she had come here, but had trouble getting the words out. Thankfully, Shimamura seemed to understand what I was trying to say, and answered me. 
"Well, we saw an ad in the city magazine and started talking how we should try this place out." 
"I see..." 
Silently, I cursed the manager for ever putting out those ads. I was really embarrassed, and could only assume that the feeling was mutual. 
Though she usually let it hang straight, Shimamura's hair was tied in a bun today. That slight change alone made her feel far more relaxed than usual. Or perhaps, as she was sitting next to her little sister, was the vibe I was sensing off her actually a sisterly one? 
It went without saying, but Shimamura's little sister's hair wasn't dyed, and varied greatly from that of her older sibling. It was black, most likely the same colour Shimamura's would've been had she never dyed it. Wouldn't have looked bad on her, I thought. 
"Please call me when you are ready to order. Thank you." 
First things first, I left the table. Though I might have been distracted by her mom's comments and forgotten about it for a moment, the fact remained that I was currently wearing a China dress. I simply couldn't bear showing off such an unusual outfit to Shimamura for any longer. 
Knowing Shimamura, I could rest assured that she wasn't going to start spreading rumours or anything. The only problem was, she herself was the person who I had least wanted to know. I walked as far away from her as I could, backing all the way to the entrance of the store. One of the old ladies I worked with was standing there. In broken Japanese, she asked me if she was my friend, and I nodded slightly. 
Yes. Shimamura and I were friends. A level of relationship that no one would try to deny. 
Shimamura's little sister read through the menu her older sister was holding open for her. Something soon caught her attention, and her eyes shot wide open. 
"This 'shark fin soup' is super expensive!" she exclaimed cheerfully. 
"You're not having that", her father quickly stated. There was more truth to his words than he had likely meant there to be; we didn't actually serve shark fin soup. It was only on the list since—like previously mentioned—the menus were reused across different restaurants. 
Still, they sure looked like they got along, huh? That was all I could think as I stared at Shimamura and her family. My relationship with my own was far more basic, or perhaps 'lacking' was a better way to describe it. We obviously lived in the same house as we were a family, but that really was the only reason for it. It was rare for us to even speak to each other. In a way, I felt jealous of Shimamura. 
Don't get me wrong: I didn't want to stand here staring at them forever. Rather, I wanted them to leave as soon as possible. And if not that, then I wanted to leave myself. For what must've been the thousandth time, I yanked the hem of the dress. I wished that I had at least been allowed to wear normal clothes like the other people. Oh no, Shimamura just looked at me. I instinctively turned my eyes away. 
Knowing Shimamura, she likely thought that my embarrassment was solely due to being from the same school as her. In truth, however, there was a whole other reason for it: seeing her face brought the dream I had two days ago fresh into my mind. 
I had already repeated this to myself a countless number of times, but just to restate, that dream wasn't born from feelings of guilt or anything like that. I had simply felt anxious about the distance between us, and those worries had manifested themselves in the form of a dream. That was all there was to it. 
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to look at her and return her gaze. 
Not when I was caught this off-guard. 
As long as I thought about it positively, as us sharing a secret, I felt like I could find it in myself to allow the existence of these sorts of moments. The China dress was just too much, though. I hated how it chafed my skin. 
"Adachi!" 
A moment later, Shimamura's mom called my name and gestured for me to come to their table. Had they decided what they were going to order? 
"Hey, go", the worker said in broken Japanese as she tapped my shoulder, which, compared to my feet, felt relatively light. 
My eyes shut, I walked towards them with heavy steps. 
What reason did I even have to feel embarrassed? 

The next day, I sat on the second floor of the gym. Needless to say, there weren't any lessons taking place here. 
Simply put, I was skipping class. Following Shimamura's invitation, I had gone to class like a good student for around a week, so in a way, this was my day off. I sat there with my back against the wall, spacing out. 
My eyes weren't focused on the same spot, and everything around me appeared as double. I heard that some people found such a thing stressful, but that certainly wasn't the case for me; I was strangely addicted to the relaxing sensation it gave me. Sitting motionlessly, my mind slowly faded away. I forgot all about breathing and blinking and the like, and my body started feeling light. 
Second period was already under way, judging from the sounds of balls bouncing on the floor below. I rubbed my eyes and, making sure to stick close to the wall, peeked down. I could see some boys chasing after a basketball. The ones not quite so interested sat along the wall, chatting about something. Had I been a boy, that was where I likely would've found myself. Same went for Shimamura, of course. After a few moments, I pulled my head away, knowing well what fuss it would raise if anyone saw me. 
I shoved my hand into the bag sitting next to me. I grabbed my phone, but no one had called me, and I didn't have any messages either. After fiddling with it for a moment, I put it back into my bag. I was the kind of person whose phone rarely rang. 
Regardless, I was quick to pull it out whenever I found myself bored, which was likely what earned me all those disapproving looks from people born before such technologies were invented. 
With the back of my head resting against the wall, I let out a small sigh. 
It wasn't like anything bad had happened. If anything, you could've said that I was in a festive mood of sorts after yesterday's events. My body was light, as if embraced by something fluffy from all around. As such, I hadn't really felt like sitting idly in the classroom. Thinking about it, that might have been the reason why I had started skipping class in the first place. 
The atmosphere of the second floor of the gym felt really thick, now that I breathed it in for the first time in a week. Every breath caused my body to become heavier, making it ever harder for me to leave this place. The taste of laziness spread, and I felt like I was choking on it. 
Was this how smokers felt when lighting a cigarette after a failed attempt to quit? Hard to say; I had never smoked. 
The sound of my shoes rubbing against the floor filled the slightly hot and stuffy area. The sound swallowed my body, and my eyelids started to feel heavy. 
As the faint drowsiness swayed my head, my mouth suddenly moved, forming words. 
"...Who am I kidding?" 
Though admittedly quite a vague one, there was a reason for me to be here. 
That was, if I didn't show up to class, Shimamura might notice and come here to take a look. It was what pouting children did: behaving weirdly or sitting quietly somewhere people wouldn't find them, all the while secretly hoping that someone would worry about them. I had long since admitted that there was a side like that to me. 
In the back of my mind, I had also had a faint suspicion that Shimamura might have been here. 
Obviously, she hadn't been. 
Most likely, it was only me who saw yesterday as anything special. 
I could feel a difference in temperature between us two. Well, no big deal. It was when mine started rising and hers stayed the same that I grew worried about myself. Was everything really okay with me? 
The fact that Shimamura had become the standard for my actions concerned me. 
With my eyes hidden behind my hands, I sighed: so much of this resembled unrequited love. 

The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs brought me back to reality. Some time had passed, and by now, the lunch break must have already begun for those outside of my hiding place. 
I pushed out all of the languid air from my lungs and sat back down. A part of me very much wanted to check the entrance, and I had to force myself not to look. How many stairs did the staircase have again, I wondered. Just then... 
"Adachi." 
My ears twitched. I pulled back my head, and cautiously looked up to the speaker. It was Shimamura. Trying my best to not let my astonishment show, I replied to her, all the while feeling both happy and guilty that she had come here just like I had hoped. 
"What?" 
"Wanna come to the cafeteria with me? We never go there." 
Shimamura was acting like her usual self. The events of yesterday didn't seem to have affected her in any way. She had still come here, though, which I chose to interpret as her at least thinking about it on some level. 
"Sure, I don't mind." 
I grabbed my bag and pushed myself up. After dusting off my skirt, I turned to face her. 
There she was, the usual Shimamura. Not wearing casual clothes, her hair not tied. 
She waited for me to fix up my uniform, after which we exited the gym. 
While walking, I realised that I hadn't said good morning. That was pretty common, though. We rarely greeted each other in any way when we met. Even our parting words were pretty half-assed most of the time. 
"And I thought you had finally started coming to class like a good student", Shimamura suddenly stated as we walked down the stairs. The tone of her voice sounded completely different to how it was usually. 
"Are you imitating someone?" 
"Yeah, our teacher. How was I supposed to know where you were?" she shrugged her shoulders. The teacher had asked Shimamura where I was? 
In other words, she thought that we were friends. 
Close enough for her to ask Shimamura first. 
Hmph... 
"You really found it that funny? I thought it was a pretty bad imitation", she looked at me puzzled, her eyes wide. 
"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked back, confused by what exactly she had meant. 
"That", Shimamura stated, pointing at my face. 
Did I really look that amused? I rubbed my cheeks. Yeah, I had gotten pretty excited back there. Even disregarding the reason why, this alone was enough to make me blush fiercely. 
"There's nothing to be ashamed of." 
"Easier said than done." 
Shimamura seemed to be under the impression that the act of laughing itself was the source of my embarrassment. 
She really was clueless, huh? Not that I was complaining, of course; the situation would've been way worse had she known. 
Still rubbing my cheeks, I walked behind Shimamura as we headed towards the cafeteria, the entrance of which was located outside of the school building. 
To be perfectly honest, this was the first time I had ever used the cafeteria. It had always seemed to me like a hang-out place for second and third-year students, one that a first-year student such as myself wasn't exactly welcome in. Also, and more importantly, I wasn't orderly enough to get lunch daily. 
In the past, I had done some observing while passing by to make sure that I wouldn't panic and get all flustered when it came time for me to order, and from what I could gather, the cafeteria looked to be based on meal tickets. Next to the entrance, there was a machine, and before it, a line of people which we joined. There was also another queue next to us, and as I peeked at its source, I saw a canteen. 
Was this where Shimamura always came to buy things? Hard to say; I had never gone. Besides the canteen, there was also a vending machine that sold not only mineral water but yellow soda as well, though according to the red warning light, the latter wasn't available at the moment. 
We didn't say anything to each other while in the queue. It was as if we were holding our breath, overpowered by the noisiness of the other students around us. I did feel like I should say something, anything, but nothing came to mind. I also felt like our eyes were going to meet eventually if I kept staring at her slender neck and had no choice but to look away. 
It was bright outside, and the windows sparkled with the sun's light. There were some clouds too, dark in the middle and bright around the edges, and through the rifts between them, peeked the bright blue sky. Behind me, I heard lively chatter, piercing through my body, and smelled the faint scent of food. 
The scenery was pretty dull, honestly, but staring at it was the best and only way of killing time I had while we waited. 
After what felt like an eternity, it finally came our turn to buy meal tickets. Shimamura, having prepared the exact sum of coins beforehand, went ahead and picked the daily special, a Chinese rice bowl. Hadn't she also eaten Chinese food yesterday? I wondered as I chose the same one. We walked inside, exchanged our tickets for food at the counter in the middle, and filled our cups with water from the supply next to it. All that we needed to do now was look for seats. That turned out to be easier said than done; none of the long, blue tables were empty. 
After walking around for a bit, we eventually found a table with free corner seats. We sat down facing each other, and I took a sip of my water. It was lukewarm, and left a faintly rustic taste on my tongue. 
It tasted like tap-water. I far preferred mineral water over this crap. 
I put the cup down and picked up the chopsticks. As I did, I could feel a pair of eyes staring at me from the opposite side of the table. 
"Hehe", Shimamura giggled as I lifted my head to look at her. 
"What?" I asked, my hand stopped in mid-air. 
"I was just thinking about how cute you were yesterday." 
Cute. Out of all the words in the world, that one made me blush the hardest. 
When you added on her innocent grin, exposing her rarely-seen teeth, it become utterly impossible for me to look her in the eyes. 
"You were cute too, Shimamura", I retorted, though it barely counted as one. 
"Huh? Really? I was dressed like normal, though..." 
Yes, that's what I meant: you were always cute. Shimamura didn't seem to have interpreted it that way, however, and simply laughed off my remark as a joke of sorts. For some unknown reason, she considered me to be the prettier one out of us two. I don't think anyone would disagree with me if I said that was a grand misunderstanding. 
Shimamura was way cuter compared to me. Of course, as saying that to her face would've made the mood all weird, I decided to let the topic slide. I sat there silently, staring at my food and moving the chopsticks. 
"Maybe I should come eat there again?" 
"No, please don't", I stated, waving my hand sideways. I was dead serious. If Shimamura's family started visiting the restaurant regularly, I'd have to find a new job. 
"I was just joking. I'm not really a fan of going with my family either." 
"Figured. It's kinda embarrassing to have your folks looking, huh?" 
"You bet it is. Now, let's eat." 
Shimamura pressed her palms together, and I did the same. I rarely did this before eating these days. I mostly ate by myself, and had kinda just forgotten. 
We then began eating, and the conversation once again paused. Though Shimamura had spent the entirety of her meal at the restaurant engaging in friendly chatter with her family, it didn't seem like a similar atmosphere was going to be born between us. There really was something special about family, huh? 
I did want our relationship to become special too, one day. 
Like, best friends. Or lovers? No, not lovers. Maybe? Definitely not. 
Eating restlessly, like licking the chopsticks, thoughts like those filled my head. 
I couldn't stop wondering, what would it be like dating Shimamura? 
At our age, even if you went out with some boy, it didn't mean that you were gonna get married or build a family together or anything. As such, it wasn't really necessary to stick to the opposite gender. As long as we limited our discussion to this specific period of a person's life, there weren't any particular issues when it came to two girls dating each other. 
No issues, huh? 
What was I thinking? There definitely were. Even if I could understand it myself, the rest of the world would never stop giving us weird looks. Whether or not Shimamura would be willing to accept it was a massive issue in and of itself. At the same time, all those were issues with the world, with Shimamura. External ones. Perhaps what I had meant was that I personally didn't have any issues with it. 
No, that wasn't it either. Focusing on it, I could definitely come up with at least one. 
There was a possibility that I could bring that value system with me to adulthood. And if that happened, it would interfere with continuing the legacy of my family. While it was true that I was merely a single person and that it didn't really matter what I did, the appearance of an exception could potentially attract others and end up creating a massive wave. Now, whether or not that would happen, I didn't know, but if yes, society would be in a lot of trouble. It was for this reason that being the exception was so scary. 
I see. 
"..." 
Did I really like Shimamura that much? 
Hiding my face behind the bowl, I sneaked a glance at her. 
Her dyed, brown hair waved in the air, matching her movements. Her makeup was a bit more elaborate than mine, and her eyes made her seem languid. There was also her mouth, moving elegantly. My stare was fixed at Shimamura's face. Especially her mouth. 
I hadn't really noticed it before, but she sure was cute. 
It was common for things to start looking like something completely different once you became conscious about them. 
Feeling that I was going to be enthralled by her and knowing that I shouldn't, I turned my head away. 
I pretended like she didn't even exist. Just then, a thought crossed my mind. 
Why Shimamura? 
"Oh, if it isn't Shimamura and Adachii." 
Someone suddenly called my name in a really weird way, and I almost dropped the bowl from shock. I hurriedly put it back on the table and looked up, only to see two people standing next to us, likewise carrying bowls of their own. Shimamura reacted with a short "oh", after which the two sat down at our table without really asking for permission or anything. If I remembered right, the small one was Hino, and the big one was Nagafuji. 
"So, you did come to school, huh?" Hino asked, having sat down next to me. 
"Huh? Y-Yeah." 
I quickly realised the meaning behind her words, even if it did take me a second. I hadn't been to class. In the eyes of the teacher and the attendance record, I was treated as absent. Now that that was settled, the only question remaining was these two who had suddenly joined our lunch. 
"A... Ad... Mumble, mumble." 
The girl sitting diagonally to me, Nagafuji, mumbled something. Kinda surprising; she didn't really seem all that shy. 
"It's Adachi. Did you really think you could trick us into believing that you hadn't forgotten her name just by mumbling?" Hino stated, the tips of her chopsticks pointed at her. 
"Oh, right. Hahaha", she replied back. Her laugh sounded completely monotonous. "Doesn't really matter. Anyway, Adachi." 
"What?" 
"Good morning." 
Nagafuji's face turned into a slight, gentle smile as she spoke. I was a little confused by her sudden greeting, although thinking about it more, I supposed it was what you were meant to do as soon as you met someone. Nevertheless, I somehow got the feeling that she wasn't all that good at reading the room. 
"...Morning." 
It was kinda weird for someone whose looks and behaviour oozed with such intelligence to be so absent-minded. 
"Did you just arrive?" 
Nagafuji had noticed the bag sitting next to me. I decided to answer honestly. 
"No, I skipped class." 
"Ohh?" she replied, and so did Hino. What emotion were they implying, I couldn't tell. 
"Still, it's pretty rare to see you guys here. You usually bring your own lunch." 
Shimamura was the one who spoke this time. Her comment was aimed at the two others. Shaking her chopsticks in the air, Hino replied. Moving her hands whenever she reacted to something seemed to be a habit of hers. Was this a sign of her being unable to relax, or just being full of energy? 
"My mom overslept. That's why." 
"As for me, I didn't have any good ingredients around." 
Out of the two, I found Nagafuji's reason far more mysterious. Did she make her own meals? 
Facing me, Hino explained. Her chopsticks were still pointed towards Nagafuji. 
"Her family owns a meat store." 
"Oh", I stated back shortly. How exactly was this related to the conversation we were just having? 
"I went there the other day and asked: 'Can I have some of that delicious brisket'. You know what happened then? They smacked me. What a horrible store." 
"I told Dad it's okay to smack you since you're not a customer." 
That sounded pretty extreme. Far more delinquent-like than me, considering that I had never smacked anyone. 
"Now, Shimamuura, wanna share food?" Hino suggested, holding a piece of a carrot between her chopsticks. Pretty weird, seeing how, like us, she too had ordered a Chinese rice bowl. 
Also, sharing food with Shimamura? Hmm... 
"Why? We both have the same one." 
"Come on, don't be like that", she said before dropping the carrot into Shimamura's bowl. 
"You just want to give me all your carrots because you don't like them. Hey, Nagafuji! Don't jump on the bandwagon." 
Another piece of carrot dropped into Shimamura's food, the culprit this time being the silent Nagafuji. For a second, I thought that maybe I should do so too. Shimamura looked at me and smiled wryly. 
I smiled back, my expression filled with all sorts of subtleties. 
Doing stuff like this wasn't half-bad. 
There wasn't anything wrong with the noisy atmosphere these two brought with them. I thought back to the lunch time in elementary school. Those had been the days. And yet. I couldn't deny that there was a part of me that felt that way. 
It really had been a while since Shimamura and I had spent time together with just the two of us. No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't shake off the feeling that these two had butted in, that this wasn't where I belonged. 
Had wanting to hide those feelings been part of the reason why I had smiled? 
"It's pretty rare to see you smile, Adachi", Shimamura stated, poking fun at me. 
"Well, excuse me." 
Shameless. I had smiled just a minute ago, hadn't I? It had been a pretty wide grin, too... or maybe not. Still, if there were any smiles that felt like they didn't come from the heart, they had be Shimamura's. Often, it felt like she smiled simply because it fit the situation. 
Just what were the things that Shimamura was interested in? 
I had tried asking her this in the past, but all I had gotten as an answer was a mix of "dunno"s and "some stuff"s. 
And thus, for the first time in a long while, I ended up having lunch in something other than silence. 
Not much of the lunch break remained once we were done. The other students had all began leaving, and joining them, I too finished my bowl. 
"How are you gonna spend the afternoon?" Shimamura asked me after we'd brought our trays to the collection station. After what had just happened, I wasn't really in the mood for going back to the gym all by myself. 
Besides, I had also brought my bag with me. 
"I think I'll go to class." 
"I see." 
Maybe it was just my imagination, but I could swear that I saw a trace of happiness on Shimamura's face. Looking at it moved my heart. 
Making sure that her friends in front of us didn't hear, I spoke the following words, loaded with the slightest sense of antagonism towards the two. 
"Hey." 
"Hm?" 
"Would you mind if I came over to your place after school?" 
My slightly nervous question earned a small head tilt from Shimamura. 
"Why?" 
"I'm free, so I just figured." 
There are an endless number of places we could go to spend time, so why my house, was what she wanted to say, judging from the look on her face. Speaking of her face, I wasn't really a fan of the expression she made at times like these. 
Maybe I was just thinking too much, but it really did feel like I was being accused of something. 
"Even if we do go, there's nothing to do there. And, my little sister's... Well, whatever. Sure." 
She couldn't be bothered to explain it all, and ended up cutting her sentence short. Something about her little sister being home and being noisy, seemed to be what she had wanted to say. 
"But seriously, there's nothing there", she emphasized. 
"Yeah, I know", I nodded to her. 
I knew well that we wouldn't do anything there. 
It was the experience of visiting her house that I felt to be important. 
Once you became a high school student, you rarely got the chance to visit other people's houses. 
I simply wanted to take that single step towards being special to her. 
Under no circumstances could I come out with it and say that I wanted to be alone with her. 
"..." 
Her house, her room. The dream was trying to rouse me, but I shook it off with all my might. 

"Oh, your bike's fixed." 
"Yep." 
Shimamura's statement after school at the bicycle parking station where she had followed me to brought my mind back to around a week ago. 
Those memories were soaked with thoughts of regret, and I had purposefully chosen to ignore them. 
Just who was that person wearing a space suit that had appeared before the station? The whole thing was weird, and were it not for the fact that Shimamura had talked about her—confirming that I had actually met her—I really would've thought of it as a dream. Whereas I ran away immediately when spoken to, Shimamura had no trouble dealing with anyone, even someone like that. For better or worse, she was completely neutral. 
Was I part of that neutrality too? That thought alone caused me to see that day in a completely different light. 
Deep inside me, I felt relieved how quickly Shimamura had forgotten about those events. 
"You're riding on the back?" I said while tapping the back wheel of my bike. 
"Sure", Shimamura immediately agreed. "Hold this." 
Having put her bag in my bike's basket, Shimamura placed her hands on my shoulders. I did kinda wonder if perhaps we should have waited till we were outside of the school to do this, but I also didn't want to stop her, and so we were off. Though it was really tough at first—with there being another person's worth of weight on the bike and all—once the pedals started turning, we quickly accelerated. 
"You don't have work today?" 
"Nope. But I do tomorrow." 
We swiftly passed through the school gate. Had a teacher seen us, there was a good chance that we would've been yelled at to stop and given a lecture. 
"Hey, my house isn't this way." 
"Oh, right." 
I had instinctively turned towards my place. I did a U-turn, and before long, we were back in front of the school gate. 
"You're really gonna come?" Shimamura asked while pointing towards the correct direction. 
"Yeah. You don't want me to?" 
I wasn't going to go if Shimamura said no. She didn't answer, however, and instead asked the following. 
"That China dress, is that what you wear outside of school, Adachi?" 
How was this question related to anything we'd been talking about? Also, what kind of a question was that? 
"Of course not." 
"Really? None of the other employees were wearing one." 
"Well, that's because..." 
"Because what?" 
"You know, because I'm the youngest." 
"Perhaps also because you wear it the best?" 
"Hmm, I wonder." 
Had Shimamura actually liked when I wore that? 
Did she even like things in the first place? 
Still pedalling, I tilted my head upwards to look at her. Our eyes immediately met. 
"No, no. Eyes on the road", she spoke quickly, pointing forwards. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened, I thought, and continued staring at her for a while. 
"Hey, seriously." 
Seeing her all tense felt refreshing in a way. 
It kinda felt like lately, my thoughts had been nothing but Shimamura. 

"And so, I arrived at Shimamura's house", I spoke to myself as I pulled over in front of her home. 
"Why are you monologuing? You sound like Hino", she replied. 
Thinking back to the exchange that had taken place over lunch earlier that day, I had to admit, she had a point. I locked my bike before turning my eyes towards the house. Its roof was blue, and there was a deck made of wood on the yard. The wood looked pretty old, though, and I could tell that it had decayed here and there. On it, I could also see some washed clothes that had been left to dry, gently swaying in the wind. 
Was I really going over to my friend's house? I hadn't done something like this since middle school. 
Maybe I never would after this. 
Shimamura unlocked the door and opened it. 
"Yeah, I figured she'd be here", she stated, looking at the small pair of shoes lined before the entrance while taking off hers. Was she talking about her little sister? Having finished removing them, Shimamura placed her own shoes next to the ones already there. 
I did the same, after which we entered the hallway. There were stairs leading to the second floor right in front of us, but Shimamura simply walked past them. 
"Your room's on the first floor?" 
"Yep. Although, I see where you're coming from. Having it on the second is way more common." 
Mine was, at least. Same went for most of the girls whose houses I had visited in elementary school. Maybe it had been the fashion back when our homes had been built. 
"This one", Shimamura said, pointing at a door at the end of the hallway. She placed her hand on the doorknob and turned. 
In that instant as the door opened, I heard a voice coming from inside. 
"Big Sis! Welcome... back..." 
The first half of her greeting had been filled with enthusiasm, but as soon as she noticed me, it all faded away. 
Shimamura's little sister had been playing a game, sitting on the floor next to her backpack. It was a table tennis game from the looks of it, the kind you played by swinging the controller in the air. She had missed the ball, and all that could be seen on the screen now was her opponent cheering. 
"Hi", Shimamura quickly returned her sister's greeting. She then introduced me, standing behind her. "This is my friend. From yesterday, remember?" 
"Sure." 
The girl turned off the console, tidied up a little, and rushed out of the room. She had probably been waiting for Shimamura to come back home so that she could play the game with her, hadn't she? Something about the way she had run away reminded me of myself. My chest ached. 
"Oh, sorry." 
"Don't even worry about it. She's just really shy around strangers." 
No, I don't think that was it. Despite being her big sister, she didn't seem to have noticed. 
If I happened to see her when I left, I should apologize to her. 
Whatever. I could think about her little sister later. There was something far more important that I needed to focus on right now. As I stood there in the doorway, I became extremely self-conscious of a certain fact. 
This was Shimamura's room. 
Of course, as one would expect—and I can't stress this point enough—her room was nothing at all like the one I had seen in my dream. It was completely different, both in layout and size. The colour of the walls too: not even close. Still, looking back to it now, that sure had been one clear dream. From the miscellaneous items to the colour of the roof, all the way to the landscape visible through the window, none of it was hazy. 
The wallpaper was light blue, and the curtains pastel colour. There was a bed next to the wall, as well as a single desk. Opposite to the bed was a TV, and outside of the second-story window shone the evening sun. Shimamura sat down on the bed, leaning her back against the wall, and on her lap, sat I. 
That was how it had gone in my fantasy. Err, dream. 
Now, let's talk about her actual room. 
The walls were white. There was no bed, but rather two futons. This was the most curious part. Next to the window was a TV, and below it some Blu-ray cases and a gaming console. There was also a bookshelf full of manga, likely belonging to the younger of the two. I spotted a table tennis book, and for some reason, felt a little happy. 
Two writing desks stood next to each other, giving off a feeling that they'd been there for a while. This was where my dream really fell apart. Never had I imagined that Shimamura still shared a room with her little sister. Or rather, some corner of my mind hadn't. 
It wasn't like I'd had control over what happened in that dream. As such, it had nothing to do with what I thought. It didn't. 
There was also an aquarium, further enlarging the rift between imagination and reality. There were some fish inside, swimming around lazily. 
"You like these?" 
"Hino caught those. My sister likes taking care of animals, so I entrust them to her. She's also in charge of the class pet in school, I hear", Shimamura said, smiling. 
"Oh, I remember those", I stated back, smiling as well. "They still do that thing?" 
"I guess, yeah. Now then." 
Having placed her bag on her desk, Shimamura sat down on the futon. She grabbed the yellow cushion her little sister had been using and tossed it over to me. I caught it and took a look. On it was pictured a black cat—the mascot of the delivery company Kuroneko Yamato—holding hands with a white one. I placed it on the floor and sat on it. 
"Now, whatcha wanna do?" she asked for my input while stretching her legs. In other words, how were we going to kill time? 
Perhaps bored, Shimamura turned on the TV. She changed it from the video screen to a regular channel, and a drama started playing. I could tell from the poor image quality that it was pretty old, a rerun of something I'd already seen multiple times when I was in elementary school. Looking at the dark-skinned main actor, I couldn't help but smile a little. It really did feel like I saw this one every six months. They'd been showing old American films on TV a little while ago, this having been one of them. I'd happened to watch through it then, and as such, everything that happened in it was fresh in my memory. 
"This one again, huh?" 
Shimamura seemed to share my sentiment. Us sharing something, even if trivial, soothed me. 
And yet. 
"..." 
Sitting tight on the cushion, I tapped my temple lightly. 
My eyes wouldn't calm down, as if they were chasing afterimages. 
I knew I shouldn't mix dreams and reality, yet I still felt restless. 
We were sitting, kind of... far away from each other. 
"Hey, Shimamura." 
"Hmm?" she replied, still facing the TV. She then began taking off her socks. 
"Umm, do you mind if I, like... sit between your legs?" 
What the hell was I saying? She was going to think that I was a weirdo, muttering some weird nonsense. 
"Huh? No, I guess I don't." 
She didn't mind, huh? ...Wait. Wait, what? Wasn't this exactly what happened in my dream? 
I was completely taken aback by how casually she had accepted my request. Even as she opened her legs, the expression on Shimamura's face didn't really change. I walked over to her and sat down between them, all the while wondering if I really should be doing this. 
As I hung my head, I could see Shimamura's legs sticking out on either side of me. I felt myself panic, and my head started spinning. 
Of course, I couldn't bring myself to lean against her right away. I sat there grasping my knees, my body stiff, and a slight gap between us. Supporting my upper half with my hips alone placed a great burden on them, and it didn't take long for it to start hurting. Around when my body began shaking, Shimamura called out to me. 
"What are you doing?" 
"No, I just..." I muttered, not even coming close to forming an actual sentence. Shimamura was clearly confused. 
"Hm? My sister sits like this all the time. It's completely normal, is it not?" 
Did Shimamura treat both me and her sister the same way? 
I couldn't decide whether that was a good or a bad thing. In either case, I was starting to feel something hot welling up inside me. 
"Well, it is, but..." 
I felt like if I didn't say that, I'd get kicked in the butt and roll all the way to the end of the room. Yes, it was a lie. 
Was I taking advantage of her ignorance? Or was it really a normal thing to do? I couldn't tell. 
Were I to look over my shoulder, Shimamura's face would be right there. Just thinking about it made my ears burn. No, there was definitely something weird about that. I was way too self-conscious. The sound of the TV barely even registered in my ears at this point. Or rather, my ears were burning. It was already getting a little painful. As Shimamura was right next to me, it wouldn't be strange for her to have noticed. Had she? 
"Come here." 
"Whoa!" 
All of a sudden, Shimamura grabbed my shoulders and pulled. She knocked me off balance, and I started falling towards her. Had she perhaps done so because she felt my rigid stance to be unnatural? Whatever the reason might have been, I really hadn't seen her attack coming. I felt like I was going to drown. Waving my arms around, my back thudded against her. I fit perfectly, even though Shimamura was supposed to be the more petite one out of the two of us. It really was like I had become her little sister. Right behind me—or rather, above me—was her head. She didn't really seem to think anything about this, judging by the calm look on her face as she stared down at me. 

I straightened my back a little bit, and Shimamura once again disappeared behind me. I could hear her "hmph" at my height. As for me, I still couldn't believe that I was actually this close to her. Trying to comprehend it, I felt my arms and legs grow weak. 
I extended my legs on the futon and took a breath. Dream and reality blurred together. I was getting dizzy. Gripping my knees, I could feel Shimamura's presence with my back. She was on the other side of a thin wall. 
"Do you have a boyfriend?" 
My mouth moved spontaneously. I felt like I had to say something to break the silence. 
Thinking back to it, it was around here that I turned into an automaton. 
"You think I do?" 
The way Shimamura replied was clearly a little mean-spirited. Even if she hadn't meant it that way, it didn't change the fact that I came close to growling. 
"No." 
"And you'd be right. Wait, didn't you ask me this same question just the other day?" 
"...Oh, did I?" 
My head wasn't working well enough for me to have remembered that. 
"What about you, Adachi? Do you have one?" 
"No", I replied in the exact same way I had just moments before. 
"I see", Shimamura stated back. It didn't sound like she was particularly interested. 
She had just asked because I had asked her. That was probably all there was to it. Yes, definitely. That's just how Shimamura was in general. Even now, despite clearly wondering why I had asked her something like that, her only reaction was to repeat the question to me. She put no effort whatsoever into trying to force a meaningful conversation between us. 
It felt like there was an inaccurate ruler between us, and no matter which one of us moved and in what way, the distance between us simply wouldn't close. That's how our relationship was always going to be, wasn't it? 
Thinking that, I turned my head slightly. As I did, Shimamura's eyes appeared before me. 
I was as close to her as I had been in the dream. I just sat there, staring into her eyes. 
"What?" 
It seemed that Shimamura too felt this to be a little weird. She was right; it definitely was. Super weird. 
My collarbone hurt. For most people it was their chest that started aching, I'd heard, but for me, it was my bones. They creaked, as if my flesh had been peeled off or something. Perhaps the extra burden placed on them by my tensed neck could be thought of as the reason. My neck was in pain, so much so that I was a little worried that my head might come off. 
I wanted to feel comfortable. And for that, I knew right away what needed to be done. 
Huh? 
I love you! Wait, I mean— 
Huh? 
What? 
What the hell had I been about to say? 
Wait, had I said it? Had I not? If I had, what was going to happen if Shimamura had heard? What was going to happen? 
"Hm?" 
Shimamura tilted her head slightly to the side. It seemed that in the end, my voice hadn't come out. 
It felt like my throat was being crushed. 
The corners of my eyes tingled. 
I-I think I love you, Shimamura. 
The only sound coming from my mouth was that of cold air passing through my throat. Not my voice. 
As if my heart had stuck into my bones and joined their throb, the insides of my body were keeping me in check. 
I was unable to blink and could feel my eyes narrowing, like my eyeballs were sinking into my skull. Shimamura, who I was still staring at, was clearly confused. My body shook a little, and she twitched. 
D-Do I love her? Well, possibly. It's like, "I might love you, maybe". 
Again and again, I tried getting the words out of my mouth. I felt my lower lip and jaw shiver. 
This wasn't good. It was bad. Insane. All sorts of insults filled my mind. My memories and consciousness wiggled around like a bunch of worms, and I could barely get a thought across. What I was doing was... it was... 
Really stupid. 
Shimamura was completely dumbfounded. Her mouth moved with great uncertainty, as if this was her first time speaking. 
"Umm, are you okay? Are you breathing? Your face is bright red." 
That was all she said before her fingers touched my mouth. 
I was swallowed by white light, shining all around me. 
Before I realised what was happening, I had already sprang up and broken into a run. Though everything from the creaking of my hands to my screaming headache was undeniably a part of me, for some reason, it felt like I was an outside observer, and that this was all happening to someone else. 
"W-Wait", Shimamura spoke, all the while showing no intention of chasing after me. Leaving her behind, I ran away. 
My legs felt shaky, to the point that I was worried whether or not I'd be able to ride my bike. 

I buried my face into the pillow. My entire body shook, and I felt like I had to pin down my head. 
If you told me that I got home from Shimamura's place by warping, I probably would have believed you. That's how little I remembered from the way back. Yet, the sharp pain in my legs proved that I'd been pedalling like no tomorrow. 
I had forgotten my bag in her room, though with how things were, there was obviously no way that I could go grab it. 
I growled into my pillow. What the hell was I doing? What the hell was I doing? That was the question the drops of sweat welling up from my scalp were asking me. Letting out yet another pathetic scream, I took off my uniform jacket. I screamed again. 
"Whadashaa!? Whadashaaaa!?" 
This expression embodied my emotions. It wasn't Japanese for sure, and even I had no idea what it was supposed to mean. 
Just attempting to remember what I had said was enough to make me scream. It felt like the parting of my hair was sinking into my skull. I coughed again and again, and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. 
I lifted my head, only to find that the sun was still up. 
Why wasn't it down yet? I felt despair, and that despair felt like it was gouging out my eyes. 
"My neck... hurts... It hurts..." 
Something hot and dark, something I couldn't even begin to swallow moved around in my chest. 
I didn't want to stop, but at the same time, I wanted it to be over. These feelings gushed down on me like a waterfall. 
The sun would soon set and then eventually rise. The question was, would it really bring with it a tomorrow for me?