CHAPTER 95: SIGMA
Ram: “Barusu. Are the preparations proceeding along for your nefarious plot?”
Leaving a cried-out Emilia behind, it's just after he exits the building that Ram addresses Subaru. With his hand still to the door, Subaru narrows his eyes at Ram, who apparently was waiting here for his exit.
Subaru: “'Nefarious plot' sounds crazy disreputable and freaks me out, kinda rather you stop with that.”
Ram: “You two men are stealthily hiding things from everyone else as you design your plans, yes? Although, considering that Roswaal-sama has given his recognition, there is nothing I can especially say about that merchant acting as he pleases around SANCTUARY.”
The MERCHANT Ram's talking about is probably Otto. While they're both passing their time inside SANCTUARY, Ram, who is spending most of her time caring for Roswaal, and Otto have interacted with each other horrendously infrequently. Most likely the best opportunity they get to sparsely talk to each other is during the periods where Emilia is facing the TRIAL, and they are waiting outside for her.
That said, it's truth that Roswaal has permitted Otto's stay in SANCTUARY. Unable to openly expel him, Ram's perspective toward Otto remains harsh.
Subaru: “Eh well that's something he should put some effort in about his own, I'm not gonna go out of my way to revise it.”
Ram: “A statement lacking in proper friendship. When he is paying so much mind to you, do you not ever consider that you ought to repay him, Barusu?”
Subaru: “Proper friendship... huh. No well I mean I can't refute that, but, from your perspective we look like friends?”
Ram: “When you've abandoned all restraint and are interacting with such familiarity... do you mean to suggest you are not? If that's how you act with anyone regardless of their being an absolute stranger, conversely that would be disgusting.”
Ram hugs her shoulders, making a show of shuddering. Her reaction and statement lead Subaru's cheeks to relax slightly as he chuckles in the back of his throat. Perhaps finding Subaru's suppressed laughter creepy, Ram steps backwards to birth distance between herself and him, her arms still hugging her shoulders.
Ram: “Now, Barusu, I'll restate my first question. —Are the preparations for your nefarious plot proceeding?”
Subaru: “Going steadily... would be one thing, but there's just a slight excess of turbulent spots for that to be the case.”
Nevermind the details of them, it's obvious that his real plans would be seen through.
This is Ram, a card in the hand of Subaru's contract opponent, Roswaal. It's unclear how credible her words are, and likely she is acting as Roswaal's eyes and ears as he stays injured in bed. It's inevitable that she'd pay attention to Subaru and Otto's movements. That she's grilling him about it from directly straight-on is yes indeed rather like Ram.
Subaru: “Well what about you, you came here for Emilia, didn't you? Wasting time talking to me's not gonna achieve much.”
Ram: “That you've exited the building would mean you've seen to that she's about fallen asleep. One wouldn't wake so easily after such a great conniption.”
Subaru: “...Pretty harsh opinion there, huh.”
Ram: “It's a frank and objective opinion. Do keep that in mind as a reference.”
—It occurred two and a half hours ago now that the contract between Emilia and Puck terminated.
Subaru had known it'd happen in advance thanks to Puck, but regardless of his more-or-less understanding and preparation for Emilia's confusion, grief, and shock, the nostalgia that struck Subaru in seeing Emilia then was indescribable.
Emilia, lost of her single support, half-crazed and bawling. She had thrown her pretty silver hair into disarray, put her nails to her pale skin, hurled nearby objects around indiscriminately, throwing a child's tantrum as she bared her emotions. That the option of going on a rampage with magic did not exist for the frenzied girl was perhaps a fortune amid misfortune for both herself and everyone else.
Regardless, knowing of Emilia's shock in advance, Subaru had waited in preparation outside her room. The instant he heard her wailing he swooped in and hugged her firm. Then for two and a half hours he alone dealt with Emilia's faltering cries, her wails, and her frail acts of destruction, leaving her there after she fell asleep, exiting, and now here he was.
This encounter with Ram, who he had intended to entrust Emilia's change of clothes and wiping-down to, probably happened because she had been lying in wait as well. Seeing her with a pail and cloth in hand allows Subaru to feel somewhat relieved. Ram speaks quietly,
Ram: “Barusu. —Are you truly putting your hopes in her?”
Subaru: “...”
Ram: “Should you observe what her state has been until yesterday, you will find not a single optimistic factor for her overcoming the TRIAL. And to compound on this, a situation I believed could not degrade further has worsened. The Great Spirit has left Emilia-sama's side, correct?”
Subaru: “...You know this much?”
Ram: “When it's screamed, repeatedly, in a voice loud enough that it's audible from outside, even an idiot would notice. If you should notice it, Barusu, then I would notice it also. As is surely natural.”
Subaru: “I'm getting the feeling I just got formally equated as an idiot but, I can't refute what you're saying. That Emilia's situation's sunken further's unfudgable truth.”
In complete honesty, Ram's worries are an exact representation of Subaru's own anxiety. While he hadn't swallowed the entirety of Puck's words down wholesale, Subaru did back his proposition. The statement that Puck's presence was acting as a stopper for Emilia facing her true past. The great changes with every loop, and his misgivings about Roswaal's gospel. Beatrice's scream, Echidna's advice, Puck's presence. Linking the varied items together, Subaru backed Puck's decision and sent Emilia hurtling into a cage of isolation. Consequently, for the first time in her life, she was truly and actually alone.
The necessary factors for her to escape this are time, and an opportunity. But the current Emilia is lacking in both. The situation will not bestow her with any calm circumstances, or with the extra time for her to face it, and the detonating trigger for all this exists only inside herself. All that can happen for the latter affair is that Emilia herself finds the trigger. Ram understood this, and likely did not believe the detonation would be happening.
Excluding that last part, Subaru agreed entirely with Ram.
Subaru: “But I'm still putting my hopes in her, and I do believe in her.”
Ram: “...Your expression is sunny. How on earth is it that you can make such a blithe judgement?”
Subaru: “It's cause I decided to try believing in the things I ought to believe in. It's like having a FRIEND around putting in efforts for my sake, or having a trusty dragon around kind of saved me, or... I've come to believe in myself a little more.”
Ram: “And how exactly does this connect to believing in Emilia-sama?”
Subaru: “If you come to believe in yourself, then wouldn't you want to believe in the target for your attentions? I like Emilia, I want to be her strength. And I like her because, well part of it's the visuals where her appearance's crazy my taste, but... the serious part's a bit different.”
Subaru shrugs as he returns Ram's suspicious gaze. The first time Subaru became conscious of Emilia was of course back when he was initially summoned to this parallel world, where he had no one to rely on and no hopes to cling to, and she was the first person most kind to him. She saved his life, and over their following interactions, Subaru came to know the girl called Emilia, and his desire to aid her. Part of it was justified in the sense of repaying a debt, but back then not even Subaru had understood the real truth of it.
He then lost her, Returned by Death and reset the world, and although the first memories shared between them were forfeit, Subaru saved her from her deadly fate and changed the future.
The happening at the mansion included, the fight with the Witch Cult included, everything resulted from the passion originating in those first feelings, which scorched at his back all the way.
She saved him in his first time at the Capital. She saved his near-broken mind once again at the mansion. His life and mind saved, and wanting to repay her, by his conceit he wounded her.
Thus came the time of their parting, a mutual trench born between them. And with the opportunity given for him to reflect on his deeds, he stood back up. Why was it he felled the White Whale, defeated Betelgeux, and was now here still? Why was it he recognized his deep involvement with the Witch, swallowed down the melancholy of his past through his goodbye to his false parents, and was now spurred on by an incomprehensible power still?
Subaru: “Because I love her.”
Ram: “—”
Subaru: “This girl I like's persevering, stubborn, not honest about her feelings at all, won't say she wants to cry when she does... she's someone who can act without hesitating to put in her all for somebody else.”
Ram: “Those may be your assumptions, Barusu. While it is true that Emilia-sama possesses a nature to prioritize others before herself... do you not think it is because that by doing so, she protects her own mind? Could it not be a mechanism that she may protect herself, of detestable bloodline? Does being taken in plainly by those wiles, and used how she sees pleasant, not unsettle you?”
Subaru: “Nope.”
Subaru's succinct answer leads Ram to hold her tongue. Feeling some satisfaction at this rare reaction from her, Subaru glances back at the building. He thinks of Emilia, lying even now in bed.
Subaru: “If she's using me how she sees pleasant, then that's fine. Even if some part of Emilia views me in a calculating way, as a tool she can overuse but still won't break, that's fine.”
Ram: “It does not dissatisfy you to be a tool?”
Subaru: “It's not that. It's that even if she uses me as a tool, so long as she still has the will to keep standing up and walking on, it makes me happy. If the spirit's still there in her for her to raise her head... then there's heaps of ways I can help her. She can use me however she wants.”
Ram: “—”
Ram narrows her eyes in disapproval. Being that she is someone of few expressions, this experience is a fresh one for Subaru. Here was her attitude towards a Subaru unreservedly accepting the word 'tool'. This was almost like how she herself—
Subaru: “I actually think it's you who's come up with rationalizations.”
Ram: “—Why do you believe so?”
Subaru: Because I recognized that in your attitude, or your behaviour up to now, there's like this... pretty precarious side I've seen. I thought you were someone who understood others's stances.
Ram: “Should you witness among others the problems that you yourself cannot fully apprehend, then likely anyone would harbour such this emotion. It rings especially so, should you learn that the problems you attempted to rationalize but cannot fully digest have been simplified by another.”
After finishing her speedy speech, Ram averts her gaze, as if embarrassed by her own statements. She sighs, waving at Subaru to gesture him away from his spot afront the door.
Ram: “Well, enough. Should you be a tool, then all you must do is behave as a tool, and stake your best to serve your master. Meanwhile, I'll be taking my actions in the way I see fit. My side is at liberty to do this, surely?”
Subaru: “Well, yeah. Go on and do what you want. —But, well.”
Passing him by, Ram puts her hand to the door as Subaru addresses her nape. She stops, glancing at Subaru, giving a nod to urge him to continue.
Subaru: “I'm not devoting myself to Emilia while expecting nothing in return.”
Ram says nothing.
Subaru: “I have my things I'm looking for from Emilia. The things I want won't happen without Emilia's help. I mentioned that stuff before about her perhaps utilizing me with calculating intentions, but... utilizing her with calculating intentions is my same case, and identical.”
They're not nice words, but interactions with ulterior motives are unavoidable as a function of getting involved with others. Said in extremes, that everybody here reach Subaru's desired future was desirable. Meaning that once Subaru had succeeded in securing that future, he would have fully utilized everyone. He was down for being used by Emilia. Because Subaru was equally ready to use Emilia for the sake of his desired future, cling to her, and unrelentingly hold her close.
Ram: “—”
Ram wordlessly steps into the room without addressing Subaru. The door begins to close, and just before her small frame can disappear—
Subaru: “The gospel's writ's diverged already. —In this world, Roswaal's already free.”
No answer comes to tell whether she heard it or not.
The door clicks shut, the situation inside now imperceptible for Subaru. But that said, it's highly improbable that Emilia would wake up and be rough with Ram. Part of that judgement comes from the calculation that a cried-out Emilia would lack the energy for it, but more importantly was the idea that she would need more time before waking up.
Subaru: “Tomorrow's my big day. Day after as a spare. ...Either way, cutting it close.”
Should he hit the time limit, Roswaal will bring snowfall and so the Hare will come. That happens, and SANCTUARY's over. His attempts would lose their momentum, and most importantly, Subaru was bound by contract. In accordance to his contract with Roswaal L. Mathers, Natsuki Subaru would have to live CHOOSING HIS METHODS FOR THE SAKE OF ONLY ONE SINGLE THING.
—With that thought, Subaru thinks: Man, this late.
Subaru: “That I can't give up on this one single future means now's just the exact same thing.”
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
—Subaru's battle in SANCTUARY is presently on its third day.
The time limit on his contract with Roswaal is the sixth day. On the sixth day the calamities assaulting SANCTUARY and the mansion should be nigh unavoidable, so realistically the time limit is night of the fifth day. Meaning that, including tonight, there are only three more chances for Emilia to challenge the tomb. However, that first one of those three scant opportunities would—
Subaru: “Tonight's probably gonna be a bust.”
Learning of Puck's disappearance and then breaking down crying through the morning, Emilia's bawling herself exhausted and falling asleep happened before noon. She had proceeded to sleep deeply, showing no signs even now of waking. Even assuming that she wakes up before tonight, how long would it take for her to recognize the fact again that Puck was gone? The bond between her and Puck was surely nothing so short or thin that a few hours was enough to fully deal with it.
Only ever when time is limited do these incessant time-dependant problems crop up. While aware of the pointlessness of cursing an insidious god's decrees, Subaru still rather wants to curse them.
Subaru: “You being gone made her cry that much... To me that's kinda enviable, and a hundred times more loathsome, Puck.”
Imagining the visage of the grey cat spirit, Subaru gives a small shake of his head before gazing onward. There is nothing Subaru can do for the sleeping Emilia. The very best he can do is hold her hand. If that would help protect her from nightmares, then he would gladly spend any amount of hours doing that. But, just like how Emilia lacks any excess time, Subaru lacks any also.
He has not organized everything he needs for the bet yet. His plan does utilize several uncertain factors, but after scrambling up all the budding sprouts he has and bolstering his hand to the limit of what is possible, he's looking at a 50/50. And even that was probably optimism.
Subaru: “And so I'm expecting some things from this conversation, Lewes-san.”
Lewes: “And I'm erkspecting serm things from yer too, Lil' Su. ...Since I've gertten advisories from the previous two.”
Gravel crunching underfoot, there at the meeting spot appears a small silhouette—Lewes. She makes a sour face, unfitting to her immature features, casting her gaze over the meeting spot that Subaru has prepared.
Lewes: “But that said...”
Lewes: “Choosing this place fer our meeting... Yer can be pretty unkind, Lil' Su.”
Subaru: “Think it's a good spot in the sense of probably no one's gonna interrupt, though. Feel like I'm gonna say unwanted things if we're around the crystal, and also I don't see any chance of me getting used to that nose-turning stench no matter how many times I wind up there.”
Pinching his nose, Subaru expresses his disgust for the reeking, nose-invading experiment site. This does turn into rallying about Lewes' birthplace, but probably she shares the sentiment herself. She gives a small smile, nodding.
Lewes: “Ders sound likely, that.”
Lewes: “But I cern't say I'm pleased abert the substitute yer came up with being Lil' Gar's secret base. If yer wanted somewhere hidden... just that, then there had ter be other options.”
Subaru: “If we're in town, dunno who's gonna be listening in. Garfiel and Frederica's childhood house... wouldn'tve been a bad pick, but I'm sure it's bad for you like it is for me if someone does overhear?”
Lewes: “Definitely.”
Subaru shrugs as he seeks her agreement, Lewes grinning as she nods. She then steps into the ugly shack, a thing constructed from scrap material and dilapidated wood.
Subaru: “This's my bad, but I didn't prepare any comfy sofas. For me and my abounding consideration for the elderly, it's a real regret I don't even have a single chair to offer you.”
Lewes: “Goodness, so yer making me stand ter talk. Taking a whip ter the aged shows kids these days ern't what they used ter be.”
Subaru: “Oh, that line really did sound like someone old. Don't miss a beat on the elderly appeal, huh.”
Subaru smiles wryly at Lewes as she taps her perfectly straight back, making a show of her non-existent geriatric failings. He invites her into the middle of the small room, himself with arms crossed as he leans against a wall.
Subaru: “Honestly for my mental state going on gossiping with a cute girl's really not that bad.”
Lewes: “Flirt. I got jerst a smidge ter many years on me ter be called a girl.”
Subaru: “If we're talking ages, my main heroine's pretty well my senior too. Though, well, that her apparent age and mental age don't balance to that came rather into illumination recently.”
Real age: ≈100 years. Apparent age: 18 years. Mental age: 14 years. The complexity of Emilia's genre is superb, and never lets Subaru get bored. Just when she seemed a loligranny, truth is surprise, she's a grannyloli. Finally Subaru understands why, relative to her appearance, she's immature, weak, idealistic, and says rather grannyish things.
Subaru: “And for Emilia's sake as well, I wanna do the things I can. —And so I'll be hearing plenty of things from you, Lewes Sigma-san.”
Lewes: “Sig... what?”
Subaru: “Sorry, just sprung out. Calling all four of you Lewes-san's confusing so for expediency came up with them for myself. Alpha, Beta, Sigma, Theta.”
Lewes: “...”
Lewes puts her hand to her mouth in thought, Subaru fumbling on the very first conversational step. Furrowing his brows at her reaction, which is too lacking to be displeasure, Subaru raises his finger at Sigma before she can bring it up again.
Subaru: “Anyway, it's a real help that you agreed to this talk. Going from your attitude, Sig... Today Lewes-san, you definitely must've had the option not to respond.”
Lewes: “If yer having trouble, I don't mind yer calling me Sigma. Being that we're talking about us individuals, I agree with you that differentiating us is best. Never been need ter do it until today, though.”
Subaru: “Really? Well then I'll oblige. If you want a cuter one this's kinda your chance for swapping out for one of the other three's names.”
Lewes: “—Ner, just use Sigma. Or no, do use Sigma.”
Subaru blinks at the shift of nuance in the response, but it doesn't seem Lewes has any intention to continue further with this topic. Lewes: “Now,” Lewes: “I'm mostly sure I already know, but... what're yer getting me ter talk about, Lil' Su? What about SANCTUARY's circumstances der yer wantter know?” Subaru: “What I want to know is basically everything I don't know, but... for the moment, it's what exactly did you see in the tomb, Sigma-san. I heard from Alpha-san two days ago that two Lewes¬sans've challenged the TRIAL. You're one of those Lewes-sans, no mistake there, Sigma-san?” Sigma: “No, no mistake there. I'm one erv the two Leweses who've gone in the tomb. But, that said,
I've ernly been in once, and fer only a short time... all it wers was stepping in to bring Lil' Gar outside, after he ignored the agreement and went in the tomb.” This is stuff he's already heard from Frederica. Apparently the Lewes she implored for help was Sigma.
Subaru: “All it was was stepping in... but in saying, you went inside so you saw something, right? Sigma-san, you've, um... well, you also, your past.”
Sigma: “—” Subaru: “If the tomb just absolutely hates you like Roswaal, you get rejected the moment you even think to go in. There's how Roswaal nearly exploded, and Patrasche who went in to help me was covered in wounds, too. Swooping in there unqualified requires just as much resolve as it does to challenge the TRIAL.”
Sigma: “Surely there's possibility I had that resolve ter be wounded?”
Subaru: “That story would be beautiful. ...But then it stops being apparent why you are in fact opposing SANCTUARY's freedom. It doesn't make sense.” Sigma: “—” Information she had not actually confessed—Although Leweses Sigma and Theta had both said they opposed SANCTUARY's liberation, Sigma elects for silence, unrefuting.
Silence is a deed equivalent to affirmation. Subaru: “You had to've seen your past in the tomb. That's the impetus for why you're evading SANCTUARY's potential freedom. What on earth did you see?”
Sigma: “...”
Subaru: “If we're talking possibilities, potentially it's something from around your birth. That'd maybe be when you were produced from the crystal, or otherwise...” Sigma: “Lewes Meyer's past, yer mean?”
Cutting Subaru to the pass, Sigma hits to the core of the topic. Subaru's lips pull taught in silence, but despite this, he figures this possibility is likely correct.
These four Lewes personalities had been introducing themselves as Lewes Meyer ever since their birth, acting as the representative of SANCTUARY. Should they have a past meriting any regret, then it would've been from before their births—perhaps before they became the Leweses they were now, thought Subaru.
Sigma's reaction has told him that his ideas were not necessarily misaimed.
Subaru: “If what you saw was the past of the one in the crystal, of the legitimate Lewes-san... then I basically get why you're scared. Since the why is the why she's sealed in the crystal.”
Lewes: “...”
The person who sealed Lewes Meyer in crystal and arranged her as a duplicate-producing device was the WITCH OF GREED Echidna. If Sigma had recollected on the time where the witch had sealed her, then that conceivably gave her plenty of reason to abandon the TRIAL's completion. But,
Lewes: “My stars Lil' Su, just how much der yer know?”
Subaru: “...”
Lewes: “The numbers erv people who know what happened ter Lewes Meyer are limited ter the utmost, even in this SANCTUARY. I highly doubt any erv them werld tell yer about it, Lil' Su.”
Something, hesitant to interject, rests in Sigma's expression. She keeps her gaze from Subaru, staring up instead at the ceiling and its prominent holes.
Lewes: “I dern't think Lil' Roz's even, er even the other Lewes who knows the tomb've been told. With that considered, where did yer learn this from, Lil' Su?”
Subaru: “—”
Subaru hesitates on how best to respond.
It's something of a basic question, but nothing simple. A tingle races down his spine, the atmosphere palpably shifts. These were the portents of the gambling room—not a mortal sortie, but a scene which would dictate the mortal sorties coming afterwards.
The sensation's resemblant to when he implored for assistance in Crusch's mansion, before the White Whale fight. Meaning that right now at this instant, the way this conversation falls will greatly influence SANCTUARY's future.
Subaru: “—”
With the second arrival of silence, Subaru deliberates painstakingly. The answer Sigma seeks from Subaru will heavily dictate what comes after. However, Subaru is not very good at supposing the inner emotions of others. In fact he is excessively ignorant of subtleties. He lacks in smarts, so it's when his brain's burning enough to shoot flames out his ears that he's about average.
The answer Subaru should voice here is—
Subaru: “I learned it from Echidna. In the tomb.”
Sigma: “—From, the Great Witch.”
Hearing the witch's name, Sigma's expression tenses slightly. Subaru understood to a painful extent from his time spent in SANCTUARY that Echidna's name carries heavy significance. While Roswaal dislikes her being called the WITCH OF GREED, Subaru thinks Garfiel and the Leweses avoid the appellation ECHIDNA.
Echidna's name is, most likely, taboo to them. One that would in both good and bad meanings end up stimulating the past. It was a bet on how she would react to him touching the taboo, but Subaru chose his decision.
Subaru: “My qualifications've been revoked right now, but temporarily I was qualified to challenge the tomb. So I more or less know what you experience in the TRIAL. And also what Echidna's plotting, why she created SANCTUARY, and why she's producing duplicates like you, Sigma-san.”
Sigma: “...It did feel like yer understood too much fer yer ter've heard this all from Lil' Roz.”
Subaru: “And so more or less I figure I know more about the situation than you're anticipating, Sigma-san. Kinda thinking it'd be nice if this could help you determine what information's safe to reveal to me.”
Sigma: “Flirt.”
Sigma smiles wryly at Subaru's rather backpedalling statement. She puts her small hand to her forehead, giving a long sigh. That ritual was a necessary one for her decision.
Sigma: “If yer've been informed erv SANCTUARY's connection ter the Great Witch, and abert me and Lewes Meyer, it'd probably be more strange ter keep it secret from yer...” Subaru: “Well then...”
Sigma: “Dern't rush. I understand how yer feel, Lil' Su, but... it's nert that simple. —What yer said yer wanna ask me is: what did Lewes see in the TRIAL, yes?”
Subaru goes to affirm with a, “Yes,” when a subtle awriness leads him to shut his mouth. Sigma had just, purposefully, used the word LEWES instead of I. Subaru's furrowing of his brows comes coincident with Sigma's mutter of,
Sigma: “Sharp one,”
Sigma: “Suppersing the question is abert 'the past I saw in the tomb', my answer werld be 'I don't know'. Because I've never taken the tomb's TRIAL. But it's no mistake that I wers the one who returned from inside the tomb.”
Subaru: “...In short, this means?”
Sigma: “It's simple. Don't yer think it strange, Lil' Su? There's only one chance Lewes had ter go inter the tomb ter retrieve Lil' Gar. But even so, there are two Lewes Meyer duplicates who've entered it. That strange mismatch between chances and inderviduals.”
Subaru: “Ah...”
Having this pointed out for him, Subaru only now recognizes that he is an incredible dunce. Indeed, on second thought, Sigma is exactly right. There are two Leweses who entered the tomb, but only one chance for them to do so—there is only one answer to eliminate this contradiction.
Subaru: “The Lewes-san who went inside, and the Lewes-san who came outside were different...”
Sigma: “That's wert it'd be. If we're saying it how yer would... the Lewes who exited wers me, Sigma. The Lewes who entered was the Lewes Theta. Theta wers the one who saw the past, and all I did wers hoist Lil' Gar up and bring him outside. Fer my stance on this, too, rather than oppose SANCTUARY's freedom, process erv elimination puts me as neutral.”
With her gaze on the near-dejected Subaru, she speaks:
Sigma: “—If there's something tellable from my mouth, it'd be what Lil' Gar is so frantically hiding, that past he wers faced with, perhaps yer'd call it fragments erv that.”
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