CHAPTER 92: A LIE
Puck: <It feels like it's been ages since we last talked like this.>
Subaru: <That's 'cause it's been... right, almost two weeks already since you disappeared. Your owner was going around looking for you, sad, and you were nowhere to be found.>
This sensation of words permeating directly into his skull, rather than through vibrations in the air, is a strange one. But regardless Subaru indeed perceives Puck's ever-lackadaisical voice, himself unable to keep from having his resentment seep into his reply. How to deal with this situation where rather than being elated that he got his expected—or wished-for—reply, he is irritated? His bullheadedness was too intense for him to give Puck any earnest response.
Puck: <It looks like over the two weeks we've gone without talking, your anger for me escalated pretty bad.>
Subaru: <You know why, yeah? Don't make me have to say it.>
Puck: <Right. That thing I said before I stopped coming out... to the blue-haired girl, I've looked back on it, and it was pretty thoughtless of me. I've really reflected on it.>
Subaru: <...! That isn't what we're talking about!>
What's thoughtless is bringing up events which Subaru had already forgotten his anger about. And to top it off it completely derails the conversation from what they ought to be discussing. Puck responds to Subaru's outburst in a pouty tone,
Puck: <Come on, don't be so mad...>
Puck: <I know that. I just wanted to apologize. Had to wonder, if we didn't settle the bad blood before getting into the main topic, whether we could really get too deep into each other. ...Since even in good times, I'm in a position where I have to request heaps of things from you.>
Subaru: <Okay, are you? If your self-satisfaction's all sated, then let's get on with the talk. You know, that one you want to have, about the main topic.>
Answering to Puck's apology with entirely superficial acceptance, Subaru pushes the talk forward as he glares at the crystal. Its bright lustre reflects off Subaru's eyes, emitting a deep green glow from its place on Emilia's chest. Subaru clicks his tongue.
Subaru: <Anyway, this situation's way too inconvenient for us to be talking in. We're going outside. It's not clear when Emilia could wake up. We'll change the setting, and...>
Puck: <I am sorry, but I can't do that. —Which counts as part of the main topic.>
Puck's thoughtspeech destroys Subaru's proposal as he looks down at the sleeping Emilia's face. The reply prompts Subaru to make an expression as if his nose has been pinched, just for a moment.
Subaru: <That wasn't a 'don't wanna', rejecting it. What do you mean by 'can't'?>
Puck: <Only what it sounds like. Outside the crystal, for me right now... or basically, materialising in the outside world is impossible for me right now. If it weren't, do you think I'd ever let Lia be this sad and alone?>
Subaru: <—>
Puck speaks as if he's saying something entirely natural. Subaru responds with mental silence. Considering everything that's happened between Subaru and the spirit until now, it's truth that, honestly, Subaru is on the verge of doubting how credible Puck's statements are. But neverminding Puck's disposition where he's always a step too late when it matters, the fundamental part of him—that his presence is for Emilia's sake, and that he feels for Emilia, are not fabrication. Subaru considered those points alone ones which necessitated no doubt.
Subaru: <There's some circumstances, or reason... why you're not able to come outside.>
Puck: <That's right. I haven't even been able to talk in thoughtspeak, like this. So it's a great fortune that you suspected this and called out to the crystal. I doubt anyone else would've been able to secure this opportunity, you see.>
Subaru: <Anyone else... meaning?>
Puck: <It's very simple, the only one who'd want to get this close to Lia while she's unconscious'd have to be you. Then is the problem where even if you do touch the crystal, whether you're compatible for the thoughts to communicate. But we've done this before in the Capital, and confirmed that you and me are connected with a pass for mental communication.>
Subaru: <...Thinking back, actually we did do that.>
Second time in the Capital, when having a private talk with Emilia, Puck and Subaru communicated in thoughtspeak like this.2 It's a replication of back then—and with its being secret from Emilia, even moreso a replication.
Subaru: <So, what am I meant to do?>
Puck: <Hm?>
Subaru: <I purposefully figured the timing where someone'd to talk back to me, and in this crazy, divinely-touched situation I called out. You should've been prepared to not let this one-in-a-million chance get away. That being an opportunity with its short, limited time window, and the words and hints you need to communicate.>
Puck: <—>
Cut in the anime, occurs very early in arc 3.
Puck responds with a meaningful silence. Subaru manages to vividly imagine the unseen cat spirit grinning a wide and human-ish grin. Betraying not Subaru's imaginings, Pucks laughs, his voice unable to conceal his delight.
Puck: <I really was right to expect things from you. Though that it frustrates me to think I have to entrust Lia to someone other than myself is the truth.>
Subaru: <...I can communicate what you're thinking to Emilia, if you want.>
The latter part of Puck's joyful statement comes laced with gloom, Subaru lowering his gaze. His proposal to Puck is ultimately nothing more than an idea for what might console him. But, having said it and considered it, it's also kind of genius. Emilia had lost view of Puck, who supported the core of her heart, and was unsteady. While she was enduring it for now, with the passage of time and repeated failures of the TRIAL, she would be abraded and her weakness would reveal itself. If that's going to happen, then maybe it'd be better to show her some relief here, and—
Puck: <You better not. If she learns that I communicated with someone who wasn't her, in the worst cast scenario, Lia's mind could break.>
But Puck keeps Subaru from proceeding with the idea, his voice dejected.
Subaru: “Haah...”
Sighs Subaru.
Subaru: <So... what exactly do you mean with that?>
Puck: <Exactly what it sounds like I mean. Using you as an intermediary to convey my words to Lia means she'll find out that I'm not really sleeping in the crystal. For a Lia who is keeping me from exiting, and not allowing me to interact with anyone, her realising that I'm not actually silenced is liable to destroy her yet-precarious mental equilibrium.>
Subaru: <Wha, wait up a sec—!>
Subaru shakes his head as he slams the breaks on Puck's piling sentences. With Puck presently lacking body, and only the crystal's sheen for Subaru to gaze on, Puck's expression is imperceptible. But going from Puck's tone, Subaru judges this no attempt at deception.
Subaru: <Do you realise what you said just now? That it's Emilia, that it's no one other than Emilia, who is stopping you from going outside, that's what you're saying.>
Puck: <...>
Subaru: <Sealing your mouth shut... what do you mean with that? When Emilia's calling for you, crying for your help, wailing and in tears... how can you! It's not me, not anyone else, but your name she calls when she's worn out! And how can you...!>
Puck: <...Ah, right. There's no one more frustrated at the fact that Lia won't rely first on you than you, Subaru.>
Subaru: <—hk!!>
The statement is one to change the topic on him, but the meaning it carries accurately divines to Subaru's core, his throat clamming with incomprehensible and violent emotion. It's truth that Subaru has been acting while persistently wanting to be Emilia's number one. That the fact he cannot presently be Emilia's number one, is obstructing him, is also truth.
Another truth is that the one who occupied Emilia's #1 slot, this one who possessed far more power than Subaru, who although asserting that Emilia was in turn his own #1, was failing to take any action for her sake—was something Subaru loathed to a maddening extent.
And so then being told that the reason for this was not himself, not Puck, but in fact Emilia herself, of course he cannot simply believe it.
Subaru: <So, what? You're saying that Emilia breaking as she challenges the TRIAL, declining alone in suffering, smiling in tears as she remembers her sad past, all of it and everything, is a lie and a goddamn performance? —As if I could believe that!>
If those tears, those cries, those laments, everything had been a production to fool those around her, then Emilia's acting skills were natural genius. Rather than aiming for the throne, she should aim for being a universally-acclaimed actress. If you ignore the obvious fact that Emilia lacks both that talent and any reason to deceive Subaru and the others, then that's what she should aim for.
Subaru: <That couldn't happen... Nevermind constantly lying to trick everyone around her, she gets crushed by guilt just over a tiny little lie. That's the type of girl Emilia is...>
Puck: <Subaru, calm down. I'm not speaking bad of Lia like your worst-case imaginations say. Now just calm down.>
Subaru: <Worst-case imaginations? What worst-case imaginations. Asshole, stop peeping into my head! That stuff and this stuff have nothing to do with each other. Even saying for instance that something does happen, I would never think of Emilia...hk>
Puck: <—NATSUKI SUBARU!>
Puck's sharp voice strikes an agitated, roiled Subaru The intense emotion packed in the short call is enough to, for a moment, make Subaru's body tremble and freeze still. What Subaru's timid gaze lands on is not the visage of the small cat, but the inorganic glowstone sitting quietly at Emilia's chest.
Puck: <...Are you calmed down?>
Subaru: <...That voice was seriously you? My thought was you're always spaced out, ignoring the seriousness of the situation, being fluffy.>
Puck: <It's not really that often that I raise my voice. But when it's Lia... or for scolding a disobedient kid, then I can get loud.>
Subaru: <Disobedient kid, thanks.>
Subaru gives a small sigh. His failure to entirely deny Puck's words is because he recognize that his unsightly attitude had been problematic. This was a long-awaited conversation, but Subaru had neglected multiple times to keep his calm during it. What time was he on now for Puck rebuking him, and getting the conversation back on track? It's pathetic how he's unable to restrain himself. What he had yearned for constantly, a heart of metal. Subaru's interior, then, lacked even a single scrap of the thing?
Puck: <But honestly said, I'm pretty thankful for your presence, with how emotional you get over Lia. You're surely giving Lia more than a little strength by her perspective, too.>
Subaru: <—wh>
Puck: <No one has stepped this far into Lia's truest thoughts before. Even Roswaal, who brought Lia out of the forest for her connection to the Selection, has gone without touching her ingrained, deeper nature. Though considering that that thing's goals are in doing something by putting Lia on the throne, and so concerned with something unrelated, I suppose it's not that surprising.>
Subaru: <—You know what Roswaal's goals are?>
Puck: <To follow the gospel, right? In that respect, he's perhaps a lot like Betty. Having things written, and having nothing written. Similar but different, is perhaps how to say it.>
It appears that Puck knew about Beatrice and Roswaal's circumstances in detail. While Subaru doubts the information has gotten to even Emilia, that doubt only makes him more unsettled about what Puck's thinking in keeping these factoids to himself. But Subaru can imagine something for what Puck would say, should Subaru question him about it.
Subaru: <It's unrelated to Emilia, so you took no initiative to act... then.>
Puck: <If there were anything I could do for Betty, then I would. And as for Roswaal... being that Lia's tied up in it, have to do something about it.>
Subaru: <This's the payback for putting this off and not talking about it when you damn well knew.>
Puck: <I have no defence. Though I do think it's bad of me that you've had to deal with said payback.>
Unrelated to any question of malevolence, it seems his lack of intention to prioritize anything except Emilia had strong influence here. If this passive stance of his is what beckoned Emilia's present hardship, then this was a blunder far too large to simply laugh off as a trifling mistake.
Subaru: <I'm destroying Roswaal's plans so that one's fine for now. And about Beatrice... got no intention of leaving her to you. The only thing I'm conspiring about with you is Emilia.>
Puck: <That's fine. My strength isn't great enough right now to allocate it to anyone but Lia. Expending my best efforts into something other than my main preference, and so overlooking what's most important, would be cart and horse.>
Subaru: <Tell me. What does it mean that Emilia's keeping you from going outside? I don't think for even a single second that she's tricking everybody.>
Last time he had been running off emotion, but his ideas remain the same even now. While there's no conceivable way he could know everything of Emilia's inner heart, she is surely not someone who would deceive those around her, and disregard their thoughtfulness.
A sensation transmits mentally of Puck practically giving a relieved sigh.
Puck: <You can relax, would be a statement hard to really assert. It's by Lia's will that I'm not going outside, but... it isn't that Lia's keeping me from going outside, while thinking to block me from going outside.>
Subaru: <...Sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.>
Puck: <It's tricky to explain. That Lia is seeking my help, and calling to the crystal, and can't hear my voice, all are entirely true. That she's scared of being alone, and trembling without her support is also fact. But.>
Subaru: <—>
Puck: <Her unconscious is rejecting my materialization and our mutual communication. Her heart's front and back ends are in disagreement, is maybe how to say it.>
Heart's front and back ends, is the descriptor at which Subaru gulps. Surely this wouldn't mean split personalities, but that said, every time crises has borne down on Subaru in this world, it's come with the multiple experiences of his own heart betraying him. Then, supposing that Emilia is presently in a similar situation...
Subaru: <You can't influence Emilia from your end?>
Puck: <That's tricky. The back end's imposing force is stronger than the front end. I bet that if I could get to the front end, it'd be big trouble for Lia mentally.>
Subaru: <Do you have any guesses on what trouble it'd be for her? Like something where if you came out, it'd cause something inconvenient for Emilia...>
Puck: <But don't you already know?>
A sort of teasing tone enters Puck's voice. After only a momentary silence, Subaru lowers his eyes. Subaru: <—It's just speculation.> Puck: <Yup, that's good. Now let's have us a listen. I did say, yes? That I'm expecting things from you, Subaru.>
Puck gives Subaru his entirely ungratifying stamp of approval. Feeling his mood lighten somewhat even from this calibre of assurance, the statement pushes Subaru on. Subaru: <If you're there, then Emilia...> Puck: <Mmhm, mmhm.> Subaru: <...will have to accept some inconvenient part of her past. —That's why Emilia's unconsciously keeping you from interfering.>
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Puck: <—>
Puck receives Subaru's thoughtwaves not with rejection or a laugh, but with silence. Supposing that the unseen cat spirit were present in form here, then surely he would have his carefree demeanour and expression in tact, his long tail swaying to and fro.
Puck: <Incredible, Subaru. That's a better answer than what I expected.>
Says Puck, in admiration, after a period of silence. Subaru sighs out his nose.
Subaru: <You can compliment me, but seriously it doesn't make me happy at all.>
Puck: <It's honest praise. You surely didn't have that much information to work with, and that just with speculations you managed to reach this is truly surprising. You understand Lia's heart well.>
The sense of compassion is large. Likely, Puck's consciousness is gazing at the sleeping Emilia. Lured in by the voice, Subaru looks at her visage in slumber. Emilia rests in a sleep so deep it's impossible to discern any dreams bad or good. The TRIAL, whittling at her heart, and her concordant past.
But Subaru had doubts as to how accurate this recreation of the past was to the real past which accosted her.
Subaru's TRIAL had presented in the form of goodbyes to his parents, symbols of his past regrets. Of course it had. Subaru's past which merited reflection wasn't any single, big event, but the environment he'd been in and the very time he spent in sloth itself.
And so the TRIAL created an illegitimate occasion for Subaru, a pleasant time spent with his parents, urging Subaru to part with them.
Subaru: <The pasts aren't necessarily faithful to what actually happened. It draws from the guy challenging's mental scenery, and other requirements, to be reconstructed in a shape fitting for the TRIAL.>
Echidna had explained to Subaru how the TRIAL generally worked. It would assemble information that even Subaru himself didn't consciously remember out of his memories, and use that to craft an ELABORATE, COUNTERFEIT WORLD. She had said that his goodbye to his parents was not real, and only his own self-satisfaction.
—And why is that? He thought now.
Subaru: <The pasts you see in the tomb is a forgery in trappings of the real. The asshole who set up the TRIAL arranged the thing so it'd present the problem which'd let the challenger reach the answer that'd make them fucking feel best.>
She hadn't stated that much, but Subaru is confident that Echidna would do this. Even Subaru had seen at least this much of the witch's malevolence.
Subaru: <The past Emilia's seeing has correct and incorrect parts. The difference is... you know something that will definitively differ from her past. And so Emilia's unconsciously rejecting any attempts at calling you out.>
Puck: <...You have to wonder. If I'm around, Lia will see the correct, legitimate past. Why could Lia's true heart be rejecting me, while knowing that?>
Subaru: <That one's...>
Simple, is how Subaru goes to continue, before hesitating. Subaru's hesitation is also for simple reasons. Speaking any further means unveiling the truth of Emilia's past. The cruel and aversive times Emilia had spoken of were a covering Emilia's heart was using to conceal the truth.
Puck: <The true events which Lia'd rather forget are even more hopeless than the false events she spoke about.>
Puck follows on from where Subaru stopped. Recognizing this thing he had managed to go without recognizing, Subaru's face twists in grief as he looks at Emilia.
The warm, friendly times she spent with the elves—who then cursed her with spite and hatred, dousing her in umbrage as she welcomed a long, long goodbye inside the ice. Just thinking about that past near shredded Subaru's heart and body, but for Emilia that was a tender cradle to hide the wicked, actual truth.
Subaru: <You know what Emilia actually saw?>
Puck: <...Sorry, but I don't know that one either. It was after the forest was frozen over that I met Lia. So I don't know what it is about my presence that she's afraid of. I don't know what it is about me that influences Lia's past.>
Puck mutters in frustration. Subaru bites his lip. Emilia's true past. Thanks to this, Subaru's figured out a piece of the answer to why she cannot overcome the TRIAL.
Emilia is shown her true past, and a different past, every time she takes the TRIAL. And she desires for the false past to be the real one. Until she presents an answer for the legitimate past, she will not be able to surmount the TRIAL. So long as her heart is deceiving her, the past's sweet knives will continue shredding her mind.
Subaru: <What do I do?> Puck: <I don't know.> Subaru: <I want to help Emilia. I want to be her strength.> Puck: <It's the same for me. I exist only for her sake. If I can't help her, then there's no reason for me to exist.> Subaru: <I want to support her in what she wants to do, I want to stand at her side.> Puck: <—> Faced with Subaru as he presses further, Puck falls into contemplative silence. Subaru waits intently for the spirit's reply. And with a voice laced with determination, Puck: <Subaru. —There is one possibility.> Subaru: <Possibility?> Puck: <It's a method I definitely would not have considered on my own, and plainly said even now
I'm strongly adverse to it. This is a proposal I figured I would've never stated, even if I did think of it.> Subaru braces himself for what proposal Puck is going to present. At the very least, this is the first time Subaru has ever heard Puck sound so serious when addressing someone other than Emilia.
Subaru: <What're you gonna make me do?> Puck: <I'm the one who'll be doing it. But I will be having you do the cleanup afterwards.> Subaru: <...It seriously feels like you're gonna say something insane, I'm kinda scared.>
Puck: <I didn't think at all that'd I'd be relying on someone else so intensely, either. But, well... I think that you alone would stake your life, assuming it was for Lia's sake.>
Subaru takes a small breath, Puck's words packed with great emotion. This what Puck though about Subaru—and there's no room to doubt it. Assuming it were for Emilia's sake, then Natsuki Subaru could certainly risk his life.
Subaru silently indicates his assent. Puck, inside the crystal, surely nods. And, with his voice quiet,
Puck: <Tomorrow morning, I will make Lia break the contract. —Should the relationship between myself and Lia terminate, then I'm sure that when she cries, you'll comfort her.>
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