CHAPTER 78: THESE SOUNDS TO SHED TEARS
Sekhmet: “Curling up, being stubborn... like a child. It's painful to see, and I can't bear to watch it— haa.”
Hearing Sekhmet's words as she appraises him as a child, withdrawn small inside his shell, Subaru thinks: You might be exactly correct. Getting obstinate, believing he was right, paying no mind to what others said in his stubbornness— but even said, his methods were indeed the ones with least causalities, and reliable. Imposing on repeats of the world to attain countless opportunities, Subaru could infinitely fight so long as he kept paying his life in exchange. Over the process Subaru's heart would assuredly weather again and again, come to the border of completely abrading. But—for those times where he was brittle, near broken to pieces, Subaru already had been given the words to right and inspire him.
???: <—You're my hero, Subaru-kun.>
There. That was all Subaru needed. If following his soul's erosion he had those words and everybody's presence, then he could desire nothing more. Just what was so wrong with that?
???: “—Baru's crying?”
A young voice rings through the silence of the scene. The witches swallow their breath. A small little hand pats the head of the curled-up Subaru. Glancing up, Subaru sees through his tear-blurred vision the dimly-reflected sight of a tan-skinned girl. Subaru's frail gaze has landed on the WITCH OF PRIDE.
Typhon: “He's crying lots—poor sad boy. ...Who made him cry?”
Typhon gets up from bending over as she glowers at the other witches as they wordlessly stand there. Her eyes host a fierce gleam as she looks over the other witches in sequence, her eyebrows raising as she lastly notices Satella's presence.
Typhon: “Tella? Tella's here? Why? Been lots of time.”
Typhon gives a wave as she calls to Satella, but the belligerent light in her eyes remains vivid. The first one to address this Typhon is Sekhmet, who gives a languid sigh as she uprights herself.
Sekhmet: “Typhon... Haa—He's having a retreat right now, so—huu—don't prod the boy—haa. Come over here—huu.”
Typhon: “Mom—did you do bad to Baru? Mom—are you a baddie?”
Sekhmet: “Your mom—haa—doesn't have the energy to be a bad person—huu. I've got no impulse to make either you or me do any work, you see—haa.”
Typhon gives a small nod, but shows no signs of distancing from Subaru as she was told. This time it's Minerva she looks at.
Typhon: “Nerva? Did you bully Ba... nah.” Minerva: “How come you're not asking me. It's totally not right. It's not like I'm always all about healing people, every so often I leave myself to the seething emotions of violence in my heart and... maybe, I... sometimes could hurt... hurt people, or something too.”
Echidna: “It's pretty hard to imagine that someone who pales just by envisioning it could commit an act of violence.” Echidna shrugs as she teases Minerva and her rather implausible reply. Minerva glares sharply at Echinda, Typhon's gaze following the same path to likewise land on her. Typhon's young face twists into a frown.
Typhon: “Chidna. Chidna—did you do something bad again? Chidna—you're the baddie?”
Echidna: “Now what could it mean that it sounds more like a conclusion when it's asked to me. I'm thinking I'd like to ask her foster parent about that one in rigorous detail but, your thoughts?” Sekhmet: “It's what you always do—haa.” Sekhmet exhaustedly puts her hand to her forehead. Typhon remains unseparated from Subaru's side, vigilantly looking to find 'the baddie who made Subaru cry'. Narrowing her eyes at the young witch's pep, Echidna mutters.
Echidna: “That aside.” Echidna: “With Typhon also showing up here, we've almost got a full assemblage. If Daphne showed up as well, it'd be a memory of four hundred years ago...”
???: “Did some-bod-y, just call for me?” As if in response to Echidna's wonder, a black coffin abruptly appears in the meadow. Fully bound by restraints inside the coffin with blindfolds over her eyes, this is the WITCH OF
GLUTTONY Daphne. She gives a small sniff, and having figured out everyone present by her sense of smell, Daphne: “Ne-ver-mind Su-ba-ruun, Tella-Tella's here too? How amazing is this. Seven witches of deadly sin all together, and then even a sage candidate...”11 Echidna: “Daphne. —He's not there yet.” Daphne: “...Ahh, well, that's, apologies. But a-ny-way... sniff, sniff. I smell some-thing sal-ty, is someone crying? Is it Ner-Ner?” 11 Unclear if sage candidate should be 'a' or 'the'.
Daphne's failure to consider what's going on and floaty-toaty speech casually whack the tension of the scene. This scene of the seven witches all together, including Satella, was not a sight that occurred so often even four hundred years ago. The seven witches who once thrust the world into chaos—now in this livewire situation, powers liable to reshape the world itself were assembled together here.
The WITCH OF PRIDE—looking to cast judgement on the one who had made a small boy cry. The WITCH OF WRATH—clenching her fists, looking for her close friend's feelings to bear fruit. The WITCH OF SLOTH—paying heed to everyone's movements, languidly prepared to instantly attack if anything should happen. The WITCH OF LUST—preserving her uninvolved demeanour, ready to protect only herself should matters escalate into a split-second situation. The WITCH OF GLUTTONY—already unconcerned about any changes in the situation, puzzling over whose fingers would be best to munch. The WITCH OF GREED—although displeased with the presence of one witch, her eyes sparkle with curiosity for whatever could possibly happen next.
And not the WITCH OF ENVY, but Satella—
Satella: “I am in love with you. —Because you gave me light. Because you took me by the hand, and taught me the world outside. Because through nights where in solitude I shivered, you kept by my side with your hands around mine. Because, then being alone, by your kiss you told me I wasn't. There are so many things you've given to me. ...And so, I love you. Because you—you gave me everything.”
Subaru: “—”
Subaru has not a single memory of any involvement in any part of Satella's whisperings. He isn't part of it, doesn’t know any of it. He has never met Satella, never spoken with her, never overlaid his warmth with hers. Everything she is talking about is the fruits of her delusion. This woman insane with sentiment had lined up empty daydreams where she simply watched a fantasy of Subaru. Is what this should be, but NATSUKI SUBARU does know this.
Subaru: “Why're this... inside me, what is this? I don't want to feel this. Don't tether me with, non-existent memories... I... I damn... I goddamn...”
Hate you, is all he has to say. All he has to do is stab the one giving him their feelings with the announcement that he held not a single speck of fondness for her. Then would be spectating just what expression the one egotistically trying to distort his emotions would make. Bet the pain to her heart would have her face twisting magnificently.
—How are you capable of doing that to her?
Typhon: “Baru?”
Sekhmet: “Oh, kid...” Camilla: “H-He's...” Minerva: “You...” Daphne: “Subaruun?” Echidna: “—Ah, that is yet another possible choice. Natsuki Subaru.” The witches call to Subaru in their various ways, Echidna giving a small nod at this outcome. Subaru: “—ghh, bhg” —Still squatted curled up on the ground, Subaru bites to sever his tongue. The witches had cornered him in, and he had no idea of what was anything anymore.
In these conditions where his heart feels near to twisting, what remains for Subaru if even his volition is no longer free to act at will? If his stubbornness had simply been negated, then even that would still be okay.
If interacting with Satella makes him accepting even of being negated...
The thought terrified Subaru.
—When happens, when you lose your life in a dream?
Subaru's body should still be inside SANCTUARY’s tomb. What had been called here was Subaru's mental body, or perhaps said soul. If his mental body dies here, would that cause feedback on his physical body? Would his soul die? He didn't care. If it was a death to reset, he was ready for it.
He would not take the witches' help, he would scour himself down greater than he ever had before, cut away everything superfluous, and if he remained simply and wholeheartedly enthusiastic, the path would surely open. —He did this, and he'd...
Minerva: “That, idiot!”
The instant she notices Subaru's attempt at suicide, Minerva rolls up her sleeves and dashes, running to slam her healing fists into him. But, cutting in to stand between she and him is Typhon. The young witch stretches her little limbs out wide, blocking Minerva.
Typhon: “Baru chose it himself! Nerva—no interrupting!”
Minerva: “Wounding or suicide or murder or injury are nothing I'll allow before me! Mental anguish is goddamn nothing I care about! I couldn't give less of a crap about invisible wounds! And instead! Visible wounds alone I absolutely won't overlook!”
The ground caves in beneath her single step, Minerva's fist drilling through the wind as it closes in on Typhon's face. The plummeting fist carries enough force to rupture a mountain, but the moment before it strikes a living creature that destructive energy converts to healing energy. However, the impact of the shockwave and blow itself do normally affect the target of the punch.
The boom resounds, the strike from Minerva's outstretched arm sending Typhon soaring. The undeveloped girl shunts away easily as a leaf, dancing high through the meadow's false sky. It's a scene devoid of mercy—but Typhon is not the only one suffering damage.
Minerva: “—!”
From the shoulder down, Minerva's right arm shatters like ice crystals. This was the result of having touched the judgement of the WITCH OF PRIDE, and her deed having been determined as evil. Minerva looks to the sky, pained at the lost of her aim, opening her mouth wide to shriek—
Minerva: “A scratch!!”
—or not. The WITCH OF WRATH, highly attuned to the pain of others, infinitely disregarded her own pain. This was exactly playing ignorant to Natsuki Subaru's lifestyle, and disregarding herself for later.
Minerva: “Anyway, now I—!”
The obstacle gone, Minerva wrenches back her left arm as she bounds for Subaru. From above him her mighty arm aims to smash Subaru and—
Sekhmet: “I'll be getting in your way next—haa.”
Her blonde hair swaying to the motion, it takes a single instant for Minerva to slam into the ground. Her body pressed down to the earth as she creates a human-shaped crater in the meadow, Minerva raises her furious-red face as she screams at the seated Sekhmet.
Minerva: “Stop getting in the way! Sekhmet!”
Sekhmet: “That I won't be doing—huu. Sentimentally speaking, I'm on the kid's side—haa. And to add to that, I'm also on Typhon's side—huu. I have no reason not to get in the way—haa.”
Minerva frustratedly bites her lip at Sekhmet's battle declaration as she looks to the other witches. But, Daphne and Camilla are neutral to this fight unfolding, while Echidna is an onlooker surveying what results the spat will each. And Satella—
Satella: “Ahh... auhh...”
Crumbled to her knees as she sees Subaru spewing great loads of sanguine out his mouth, her voice trembles. With the overflowing blood and his severed tongue blocking his throat, Subaru undergoes the feeling of drowning as he catches Satella in a corner of his consciousness.
Crying, wasn't she. She looked immeasurably shaken, witnessing Subaru's DEATH.
Satella: “Why haven't you realised...? That of everything you wish to protect, of course you should be included.”
Why was it she thought this way about Subaru? In her delusions, just how much of a support was Subaru for her heart?
Satella: “As it does to those struggling in the dead-end of fate, of course it would visit you too. But just because you alone have possibility of overturning it... you're someone who should be saved too, so why?”
She's entirely wrong. Subaru was a hopeless fuck, unable to succeed even in the things he thought himself capable, unable to save those he wished to save, entirely a half-measures never-there prick, and he would never escape from that.
Had he not pledged? To escape from that, and to stop doing things halfway? Had he not decided? To pretend to he was any better?
—His weak self, and his self desiring not to be weak, fight inside him.
Nobody may witness Natsuki Subaru's weakness now. The strong, dignified, resolute lifestyle of a hero was what Subaru needed to live. There was a girl who desired such of him. Subaru had placed a curse on that girl, and responsibility was on him to repay that girl his curse had bound. —No. Responsibility was nothing in the picture. Just, if she was believing in him, then he wanted to be as someone who would gain that belief. Because that girl told Subaru she loved him, Subaru wished to be someone who would continually gain her 'love you's.
Yes. That was it. That was it.
If hypothetically saying for assumption that there were somebody who would mourn Subaru's DEATH, it'd be her. Choosing DEATH was a betrayal of the girl who had believed in him. Of course, Subaru had no intentions to end merely with DEATH. He was prepared to use even DEATH as a stepping stone to abolish the reason behind the DEATH, and regain everything. But, what happened to the people the DEATH-electing Subaru had left behind?
He mustn't think of it. He mustn't know of it. Those thoughts were dangerous thoughts. It was fine. Natsuki Subaru, as he was, was fine.
He mustn't think that somebody out there was mourning him.
He wasn't anybody worth such a thing. Subaru's life was a consumable item. Use it, use it, use it up, and ultimately reach the end—that was the single-merit consumable it ought to be.
Utilize dying practically and with effect. Absolutely do not face his own DEATH. Rationalize. He is fine to think nothing. For salvaging what he wished to salvage, determine to throw away what must be thrown away. Everyone does it. Subaru, too, ought to.
He saves those precious to him, those who ought to be saved, then this was all fine. If he could only do that, then Subaru—
Satella: “What on earth was it you saw, in the second TRIAL...?”
Trial. —Trial. Trial, TRIAL. TrialTrialTrial, TRIALTrialTrialTrial, Trial—?
Shock and insufficient oxygen dull his thinking incredibly. His vision blurs and blurs in a world flickering red, a storm like television noise running through his head, as he dimly thinks that the end ought to get on with it.
The end was coming slowly. What number was he on for times meeting DEATH? Counting was a nuisance, but that was okay.
Eventually, he would have to repeat and repeat his deaths until counting it was sickening. He doubted he could keep living maintaining a mentality which would bother tallying his deaths.
Heart of iron. Entirely unshakable, a heart of iron, in hand—
Slowly and slowly, Subaru's consciousness departs. And, fades,
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
???: <I'm expecting things from you, son.>
A sound. From beyond the noise, amongst the din, a horrifically clear sound. ???: <—Come home safe.> Again.
A different sound, but again. Bringing about the same thing to his chest, a sound.
???: <I had wished to call you a friend.>
Different sound. A changed feeling to it, too. This one terribly agitated him. But, it also had a pleasantness to it. ???: <Subaru-dono... I sincerely beg, for your forgiveness...> Different sound again.
Between the sombreness and near-aspiration crossing in his chest, a sound to guilt at. ???: <I, at least knew that... you aren't, they... but...> A sound to constrict his chest.
He hears this sound, and he cannot restrain himself. A sound near to tears. A sound which must not come to tears. A sound he must protect. Sound. Sound. Sound.
???: <Show me how awesome you can be, Subaru-kun.> The sound of something inside him thumping to a high beat is his reaction to this sound. His body heats. A sense of duty spurs him to motion. This sound, had always been supporting him.
And, ???: <Thank you, Subaru.> This sound. ???: <—For saving me.> —This sound, which announced the beginning of everything.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
He was probably crying.
If the people Subaru thought dearly of knew of his death, would they grieve for him? Those irreplaceable people he had left behind in the worlds where he had selfishly experienced DEATH, had they lamented Subaru's death, and grieved for him?
Those who had lost Subaru as he mourned his insufficient strength, repeating RETURNS BY DEATH in search of the optimum, failing at the final step—had they mourned for him?
There were people who he thought of as precious. There were people who he believed he must protect. There were people who he implored he must save from the dead-end of fate.
—Did he possess enough worth that those precious people would mourn him?
It was him, but he was enough for his precious ones to think him someone precious. So was his conceit, but was it okay?
It was him, but he was needed enough for those he wished to protect to wish to protect him. So was his inadvertent belief, but was it okay?
It was him, but he had enough worth for there to be people who would cry at his passing, that he could reach out to for rescue. So was his inadvertent wish, but would he be pardoned it?
—Was it okay for him to think it?
I don't want to die. I don't want to give up, thinking this method is the only one. I don't want to disappear as I be the cornerstone for protecting the future of those precious to me.
In the future where they're protected, there alongside those precious to me, I want to be too.
He could think like this, but was it okay?
Did he have these qualifications? If he did, then—
Subaru: “I don't, wanna die...”
Alongside the sound of splurting blood and escaping air, he speaks. His supposedly tongue-clogged throats opens, his mouth flapping as he gasps for air. His lungs expand, oxygen cycles through his brain, his faded vision starts returning. And,
Minerva: “There's his real thoughts...”
—Her face fully red as she heals Subaru with a headbutt, the WITCH OF WRATH reaches him absent her legs, but on willpower.
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