CHAPTER 54: HELL I DO KNOW
In asking a question at the crux of the matter, Subaru comprehends his position.
Garfiel's eardrums indeed tremble to the query—and the blond young man's expression shifts. Witnessing it births a moment of whiteness in Subaru's consciousness.
Garfiel. Always wary of Subaru, with a sharp gaze and virile features. Continually preserves his robust bearing, never once letting show weakness. That Garfiel's expression, right now, was warped.
It almost looked the expression of a child, an important secret of theirs revealed, about to cry at any moment.
Garfiel: “You... Fuck'd you just say?”
But that fleeting, transient expression disappears within an instant. Garfiel shuts his eyes firm, clicks his teeth to drown out the weakness, and with a near-dreadful pressure emitting from his whole body, glares at Subaru.
The calm atmosphere flowing through the forest flips to opposite. A tingle of goosebumps creeps up Subaru's skin. This was undoubtedly Subaru's body taking initiative, expressing the danger it perceived. That excessive reaction of Garfiel's—
Subaru: “That sure fucking got you livid.”
—Provided Subaru more than enough means to instil him the conviction: Touching on THAT is inconvenient for Garfiel.
The ghastliness of Garfiel's gaze compounds in response to Subaru's mutter. Not a fragment of that momentary weakness shows through. The glare fixed on Subaru exudes the razorblade sharpness of witnessing something beloathed. The danger signals shrill all through Subaru's body. But Subaru consciously ignores them, and without losing his untouchable demeanour,
Subaru: “Don't make me repeat it. I saw a girl who looks exactly like Lewes-san wandering around SANCTUARY. But I'm at least certain it wasn't Lewes-san.”
Garfiel: “...Don't get th'point of what yer sayin'. So yer saw the granny while she's out havin' a walk. 'S a different kind 'a problem if she's out prowlin' at midnight, but this n' that're—”
Subaru: “—Two of them.”
Garfiel: “Eh?”
Subaru raises two fingers of his outstretched hand.
Subaru: “What I saw was two intenticals to Lewes-san walking around at the same time. Even saying one was Lewes-san, the other... just who could she've been—”
—The moment he finishes his statement, Subaru loses sight of where is down and up.
Subaru: “—Ghhau!”
His back slams into something hard, oxygen and a shriek strangling out from his lungs. At his back is a rugged, bumpy texture—the trunk of a tree, which he is being pinned against with rather considerable force. Suspended and unable to run, Subaru's body no longer touches the ground. The hand digging into his stomach works as the axle to keep Subaru stopped in space. Garfiel, who possesses the sense of balance and arm strength to achieve this feat, glares Subaru straight in the eyes.
Garfiel: “—Where did you see that?”
Subaru: “Where's not a question... I said, in the forest...”
Garfiel: “No, that ain't possible. We've been payin' so much fuckin' care t' make sure that wouldn't happen. 'F we didn't, wouldn't be able t'give th'verbal run-round t'assholes like you stickin' their noses where they shouldn't.”
Garfiel's palm presses down harder. Drool dribbles from Subaru's lips at the stomach-churning force. He struggles and kicks, but Garfiel's hold doesn't give an inch. It's like he's an insect pinned and pierced for display. He shudders at the mental image.
Garfiel: “This goes on, 'n yer back n' belly 're gonna wind up squelched t'gether flat. How bout yer start tellin' the truth, 'fore that happens.”
His mouth twisting into a sadistic grin, Garfiel applies further pressure on Subaru's stomach. The first sense of his creaking in his bones and guts comes, almost suggesting that Garfiel's proposed ending won't simply be a joke. Subaru gasps, pained breaths slipping from his throat,
Subaru: “Th... at'll, be dependant on your attitude...”
Garfiel: “Ain't that fuckin' funny. You tryin' t'fuckin' be on equal status 's my amazin' self 'n this situation? Thought I taught yer good n' well that that's entirely yer conceit.”
Subaru: “You can... end me here hearing nothing, but it won't solve anything.”
Garfiel goes silent.
Subaru notices as Garfiel begins to listen.
—As far as Subaru was concerned, Garfiel's fierce reaction had gone half exactly as anticipated, half not anticipated at all.
The only time Subaru's sighted the Lewes doubles—the LEWES CLONES—in this loop series has been at the end of the previous loop, in the witch battle. Outside of that event, there hasn't been anything to suggest that the clones even existed. Although, trawling back through his memories and approaching with the assumption the clones existed, there were several scenes where he had let hints toward their existence slip away. Regardless, that was how well the clones were hidden inside SANCTUARY. It was hard to think that Garfiel alone had been hiding the at-least-21 individual girls. More than likely, their existence was common knowledge among SANCTUARY's populace. If there were anyone on Subaru's side who would know about them, it would probably be Roswaal, and more tentatively Ram.
Either way, Subaru had figured that mentioning the subject would piss Garfiel off. Confirming it had so far gone half exactly as anticipated. The half that he hadn't anticipated was—
Garfiel: “...Yer cracked.”
Spits Garfiel, releasing Subaru from the hold. Subaru gracelessly drops to the ground, crying out in surprise, enjoying the taste of grass and dirt in his mouth as the tumbles. He spits out the crap as he stands up, glaring at Garfiel.
Subaru: “D-don't just suddenly let go, startles people.”
Garfiel: “Shut it, headcase. Don't fuckin' joke. Were you fuckin' testin' my amazin' self?”
Subaru: “Testinngg?”
Subaru tilts his head, playing dumb. Garfiel clicks his tongue, annoyed as he glares up at Subaru.
Garfiel: “You were talkin', thinkin' I might kill you.”
Subaru goes silent.
—What Subaru hadn't anticipated was that Garfiel neglected to immediately kill him. It was that he'd been given a chance for conversation, after pissing him off. Meaning, Subaru had made his statement while having considered the potentiality of dying, which Garfiel perceived. Garfiel kicks at the ground.
Garfiel: “Don't fuckin' joke. Fuck'm I gonna call someone who stakes thr'life, doin' it with an expression like it's fuckin' ordinary, 'cept insane. Fuckin' creepy.”
Subaru: “Say so much and it does hurt. ...And, it's not like I'm doing this unperturbed.”
Subaru smiles weakly to Garfiel's statement as he scratches his head. In doing so, he can feel the shaking in his fingers.
Garfiel's stopped inflicting pain on Subaru, but his near-animosity toward him hasn't slacked at all. Subaru's body continues to scream in primal terror, and his guts continue to churn with a constricting kind of pain. It's natural. He'd purposefully enraged Garfiel, and was now standing directly opposite him.
Meaning he'd more or less accepted confronting the giant, golden tiger that had slaughtered the villagers. Envisioning those fangs, claws, that dread all ravaging him causes both his heart and body to freeze.
But, nonetheless, Subaru: “If my life alone is enough, then that balances to the results.” If this can be settled with the only sacrifice paid being the abrading of Subaru's heart, it's an excellent bargain.
To acquire a happy ending at such a cheap price was nothing commonplace. Although Subaru's resolve could near break at any moment—that firm, hard-set basis provides his meagre resolution support to an excessively thorough degree.
Garfiel must have known it as well. He scrunches his nose, expression disgusted.
Garfiel: “My amazin' self don't have anythin' good t'think about'n bastard who makes those fuckin' eyes. Honestly, what I wanna do's crush 'm right this second, but...” Subaru: “That'd be problematic, and if possible I'd like you to charitably overlook it. That'd go for our conversation just now, too... so.” Garfiel says nothing. Subaru: “Do you maybe feel like answering my question?” Asks Subaru as he dusts the dirt off himself. Garfiel's face sours at this topic getting brought back after its violent and supposed stop. Subaru's gaze doesn't separate from Garfiel, while Garfiel conversely averts his eyes. Garfiel: “Dunwanna.”
Subaru: “Really now. Oh well, nothing going then.” Hearing a reply on par with a stubborn child, Subaru shrugs and easily lets it drop. Garfiel's expression turns completely fucking stunned in response.
Garfiel: “Yer... you wanted t'know, th...” Subaru: “You don't wanna talk, right? And I'm not strong or persuasive enough to force the answer out of you. I guess I could try clinging for it, but I doubt that matches to the risk so time to postpone it.” Garfiel: “...What're,”
Subaru: “Don't look so mystified, Garfiel. No matter how frantically you try to cover it up, I will uncover it assuredly. It's necessary, you see.”
Garfiel's head springs back up, Subaru returning his stare head-on. The locking of gazes this time isn't so overwhelming. Garfiel's eyes are weaker, and Subaru has firmly made up his mind.
Subaru: “Garfiel. What you... what you're all hiding in SANCTUARY, I am assuredly going to uncover. I know I have to do this, and so that is an absolute.”
Garfiel: “...Shut up. 'F I plug yer mouth right here, yer not gettin' any damn ASSUREDLY or ABSOLUTE.”
Subaru: “Sorry, but that's exactly why it's ASSUREDLY and ABSOLUTE. So long as I haven't given up, the secrets I know of aren't secrets anymore. If you're going to resent anything, resent your own haste.”
Not understanding Subaru's words, Garfiel's eyes waver with confusion. There was naturally no way Garfiel could comprehend what HASTE meant. Because it referred to a mistake that Garfiel hadn't yet made.
Subaru: “...Probably no point talking any further.”
Garfiel's caution is peaked at its maximum and he's gotten stubborn. Subaru probably won't be opening Garfiel's heart now, or perhaps even for the rest of this loop. Subaru hadn't anticipated for this loop to be a success in the first place, but it now being perfectly a dud is hard to bear.
Subaru: “But, well,”
—Nevertheless, he needed to endure it.
So long as he's decided to stake his life in this challenge, he would have to rendezvous with this feeling of loss times upon times upon times. He doubted he would ever acclimatize to or forget the pain. At the juncture where Subaru completely acclimatized to the repeated DEATHS, and could no longer sincerely desire the future ahead, his heart would surely be swallowed by shadow, never to return. That was the feeling he had.
Subaru: “Do you still feel like stopping me, Garfiel?”
Garfiel says nothing.
Subaru: “If you do then all it creates is a detour. It'd help if you didn't.”
Even if Garfiel kills Subaru here, his return point is inside the tomb a handful of hours earlier. The events following would probably be a snap, but even if Garfiel tried to drag Subaru away as he had this time, Subaru could probably get through it safely. Although naturally the optimum outcome would be to avoid RETURNING BY DEATH.
Garfiel doesn't respond to Subaru's question. Subaru turns his back to Garfiel, intending to leave the forest and return to SANCTUARY's centre. He has to figure out his schedule of activities for tomorrow, and exactly what things he needs to confirm. Even saying that opportunities came in proportion to Subaru's willpower, that didn't mean he should waste them.
Garfiel: “You...”
Says Garfiel, his voice suppressed of emotion. Subaru stops but doesn't turn back.
Garfiel: “What do you... what th'hell do you wanna do to SANCTUARY, to this place? What th'fuck're you tryin' to do with us?”
Subaru: “I'm sure I stated my goal. It's to save Emilia. I'm not intending to harm SANCTUARY in any way. ...I'm not intending to try to do anything with you, either.”
He knew of the disaster coming for SANCTUARY. He wanted to save Lewes and the residents from the disaster, and did have intention to act for that purpose. Garfiel would be included in that count too, of course. But that would be a final result.
Subaru: “I'm sure I'll cause you lots of unpleasant times until I get there. I'll apologize for those in advance. ...Sorry.”
Garfiel: “...I got no idea what you're goddamn sayin'. Yer fuckin' exactly, entirely like them.”
Says Garfiel, as if interacting with something eerie and incomprehensible. Subaru, somewhat resigned, figures that inevitable. Subaru did want to be understood. But he doubted he could be receiving that understanding.
Subaru: “I'm not trying to get in a jealousy match with you. From tomorrow on, just be like normal... or well it's fine if you can't, but don't get involved with me. Tonight just keep yourself warm and go to bed early. Forget your daily routine and sleep in through tomorrow morning. The occasional wake-up-go-back-to-sleep wouldn't—”
Subaru stops halfway through his parting speech. Something about what he just said tugs at him, and as he connects it to an incredible conclusion—
Subaru: “Might be worth it.”
Garfiel: “...Eh?”
Subaru: “Anyway, this's the end for tonight, Garfiel. I'll definitely be doing something about your troubles and anxieties. So be patient now and wait for it.”
Garfiel: “—! You...!”
From beginning to end, Subaru's statements consider the FUTURE rather than the PRESENT. Garfiel raises his head, face red with rage as he spits, fangs bared. Garfiel: “Cond'scending fuck, linin' up egotistic crap! Who, who asked for you t'do goddamn anything for them? Don't you do any meddlin' here! Not about this place, or about the grannies... y,... nothing! And when you know fucking nothing!”
Subaru: “Not knowing it means it's to learn. Think that's why I'm doing this.” Garfiel: “Knowin' only th'superficial, only th'surface, how could you understand anything! Smilin' like'n idiot, prattlin' crap outta dreams, fudgin' things with nice-soundin' bullshit, you fucking con!”
Subaru: “—” Garfiel: “Y'dunn'ven know how pain er suffering feel! End yer know-it-all talk!!” Shrieks Garfiel.
The jeers disappear into the forest sky, swallowed into nothing.
Condescending, speaking as if he knew anything, meddling despite his complete ignorance. —Indeed, that was all exactly correct, with not any purchase left for refutation. However. Subaru: “...I do know.” Garfiel: “—” Subaru: “I know HELL. —I've seen it, so many, times.” Were there a hell in this universe, it would be in the worlds that Subaru had seen.
At the end of these multiple worlds, the sight of hell had burned into Subaru's memory, into his awareness, so many, many, times. And so,
Subaru: “I'm the only one who has to know hell. I'm here, for that.” —Those were his thoughts.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
After having Garfiel's wailing claw at his heart, Subaru heads back to his bed the cathedral—not. What he really needed to do was go to bed, and take his time in figuring out his plan for the near future. And that was what he'd been intending to do. But he had a reason to quit that.
Subaru: “...Think it was somewhere around here.”
Mutters Subaru, nudging away the thick ivy as he continues down the unmarked path. The canopy hides the moonlight, making visibility poor, and the knee-high grass offers no help. The ground lacks anything resembling a trail or any constancy in elevation, forcing Subaru to slow his pace to keep himself from tumbling.
Subaru: “I'm pretty confident about my sense of direction, but yeah my memory's hazy. There wasn't any time to calmly look around the place, so kinda no helping it.”
Is Subaru's lame excuse as he fumbles around for a path. He's inside the forest separated from SANCTUARY—but not in the same area where he spoke with Garfiel. He had returned to SANCTUARY and then re-entered the forest. Because,
Subaru: “I'm pretty sure this is where Garfiel showed up back then.”
Before the beginning of the loop series—that is, all the way back before the first TRIAL. On the morning of the day of the TRIAL, Subaru had gone with Otto to check that he had acquired the qualifications. That all went fine. Garfiel then appeared from the forest during Otto and Subaru's banter, explaining that he'd been doing his daily patrol of SANCTUARY.
Subaru: “His good timing and his showing up from that direction's bothering me.”
The problem was the almost-planned timing of Garfiel's appearance, and the placement of where he appeared. Thinking back on how Garfiel emerged from the bush aside the tomb, and trawling through his memories, Subaru realises something:
—The mystery facility in SANCTUARY that Beatrice had transported him to.
When Subaru had returned from that facility to SANCTUARY, he had a feeling that his emergence point was close to where Garfiel had appeared back then. And so Subaru's searching for the facility at night through the forest.
Subaru: “A trodden-down path... means,”
Seeing the thickets open into flatter land, Subaru judges that someone has been walking through here regularly. He follows the path deeper into the forest, leaving himself to his jumped-up feelings and running—when his vision eventually brightens.
Subaru: “...Found it.”
A dilapidated stone building. On the verge of collapse and deep in the forest, it's plain that the facility is constructed with its back against a crag.
Subaru approaches the building, giving its exterior a confirmatory glance and tilting his head.
Subaru: “Huh. Last time I was here, I felt it was a little more destroyed...”
The thing's still on its last legs, but Subaru senses the damage to the facility is less than what he remembers. What Subaru had seen was a ruin, but this thing before him is still barely managing to be considerable as a building.
Subaru: “Saying my memory's not wrong, sometime between now and six days later, something'll happen to make this place more broken-down... I think?”
It's all he can figure. If his speculation is correct, then just as Subaru expected, this place is not unrelated to the vague somethings happening here in SANCTUARY.
Holding his breath and taking care to keep his presence low, Subaru turns the doorknob. The door opens with surprising silence. A rotted stench welcomes Subaru as he treads inside the building.
As always, the barren entryway lacks anything to do with furnishings or repairs. Passing through the waiting room-slash-reception area, Subaru heads for the main room. He reaches the door at the end of the hallway—directly beyond which will be the giant hole. Paying the pit heed, Subaru slowly pushes open the door, poking his head inside to check the room.
Subaru: “...Hey.”
Subaru's voice unconsciously slips out at the scene before him.
The pale, reflective light shines upon his face. His eyes narrow at the brightness as Subaru clearly witnesses—it. There at the very back of the facility, was—
Subaru: “Lewes-san?”
—Emitting dim blue light from its gigantic mass, with a small woman sealed inside it, was a crystal.
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