CHAPTER 30: UNEASE ON THE ROAD HOME
Roswaal's proposal—the release of the evacuees from Arlam village.
Just like last time, the proposal goes through without much trouble. That keeping the evacuees in SANCTUARY is almost completely unbeneficial hasn't changed, but what has is the pruning of the conditions attached. Last time there was the condition that Subaru take the TRIAL, but,
Subaru: “This time, the guy who raised that condition absolutely hates me...”
Emilia: “What's wrong, Subaru?”
Subaru: “Nnnyope, nothing. More importantly, are you okay, Emilia-tan? All calm? If my being here's a bother I'll concede as far as going outside the room.”
The scene: Subaru and Emilia, inside Lewes' Emilia-lodging house, sitting beside each other on the bed in the bedroom, passing time together without the topic ever being anything particularly lively. It's already evening, and night will come very soon. Subaru had a late breakfast with Emilia after she woke up, then had those proceedings with Roswaal and Lewes and so on about the Evacuee Problem sorted. The matter proceeded without problems, the evacuees' release would wind up as tomorrow, and—
Garfiel: “So, 's obvious t' say, but... yer know Emilia-sama is challengin' the TRIAL tonight too, yeh?”
If Garfiel hadn't thrown in this reminder, they could've dodged the issue. Suppressing the urge to click his tongue, Subaru glanced at Emilia. Seeing the instant of fear and piteousness that ran through her expression, he judged that no, Emilia would not be able to overcome the TRIAL this time.
Unlike Subaru who has his memories carry over, the conditions here for Emilia ultimately haven't changed. So if Emilia's going to be able to overcome the TRIAL, it has to be through Subaru's activities causing a dramatic shift in the environment around her. And this loop, the prospects to greatly change her environment in this short time frame weren't looking bright. —She challenges tonight, and probably all that happens is she'll be worn down.
Subaru: “But how she said she'd do it without any complaining was really Emilia-tan.”
Emilia had immediately concealed that instant of emotion, and firmly stated “But of course I'll do it.” Even Garfiel narrowed his eyes impressed with that one, though hearing Roswaal's quiet whistle made Subaru seem about to snap with anger. Either way, unable to avoid putting it off, the start of tonight's TRIAL was now only a few hours away.
It had already been three hours since the conversation ended, they had their lunch, and returned to the house. Subaru had been with Emilia the entire time and they'd been talking without any breaks, but—with the time for the TRIAL closing in, Emilia's contribution to the talks have noticeably decreased. Presently, she's just giving the barest minimum of conversation-filler replies to whatever Subaru's saying. But even so,
Emilia: “Umm... that's no, don't.”
Subaru: “Ah, roger. All good. Until you're calmed down, Emilia-tan, I'll be focusing on breathing in the air you breath out, you relax.”
Emilia: “That's sooo creepy. ...But, stay here.”
Shrugging at the complex emotions of a young maiden's heart, Subaru does exactly as told and stays there. While sitting next to her, albeit pathetically lacking the courage to place his hand on hers, he's earnestly happy about being wanted. And by Emilia. Even if it's only because he's a substitute, arising from absence of the one she relied on most.
Ever since coming to SANCTUARY—No, more accurately—even since their return to the mansion where Puck had stopped answering Emilia's calls, Emilia's attitude toward Subaru had been softening. Part of Subaru was simply overjoyed that she was relaxing her guard around him, while another part harboured a quiet doubt. That part stated: Emilia's lost her supports and may be in a dangerous situation.
Emilia: “...Hm?”
Subaru: “Nothing. Just thinking 'Emilia-tan's eyelashes're so long and cute, wanna eat 'em.'”
Emilia: “Subaru, you keep saying you want to eat my hair or eyelashes or lick my cheeks, but... um, are you into that?”
Subaru: “It's sorta the biggest expression of love you can give where I come from.”
Subaru considers licking the greatest statement of courting you can give, but if he ever tried attempting it the receiving party'd probably back the fuck away. And especially so when in a world where the underlying intention wouldn't be understood. Had to be careful with his words. Super belated on that though.
Distracting Emilia by saying this pointless bullshit is the best that Subaru can presently do. Subaru knew a fragment of the past Emilia would face. And if he mentioned that, there'd surely be a dramatic shift from what happened last time.
—But it wouldn't be a change for the better.
No matter what the circumstances, the essential factor is time. That went for Emilia facing her past, but also for her heart to steady its resolve. For Subaru to present that fragment of past out to her, and hear what actually happened from her mouth, would also need time. Time, time, time. There wasn't enough.
Subaru: “I gotta be running around like crazy with this cramped schedule. Have I ever had a chance to pass the time quietly since I came to this world?”
Searching his memories, the only time that could be called peaceful for Subaru was the couple of weeks after the Ulgarm incident. Before and after that event things had been over-tumultuous, and if he did say so himself, it was a mystery how he hadn't died from overwork.
Emilia: “—Subaru.”
Subaru's slow to react as he looks towards the voice—towards Emilia, who looks at him, her eyes wet. Enamoured, Subaru's heart gives a thump so loud as to think it might be stopping. Subaru's breath catches. Determination and indecision waver in Emilia's eyes. Like she's going to reveal something to Subaru, but is lost on whether to do it. Subaru: “What is it?” So with all the tenderness he can muster, Subaru pays caution not to rush Emilia as he picks his words. If her determination is the one to manifest, he absolutely won't be hindering that. But Emilia averts her gaze.
Emilia: “ah... m, sorry. No. Just, calling.” Subaru: “—. Ri, ght. Just calling! Sounds like something a newly-dating couple'd be doing all the time!”
Emilia: “I, have to go soon, so...”
Her determination folds. Lamenting that it got away, Subaru puts on false bravado so she won't sense it. Emilia stands up, and looks outside the window at the beginning of night. Emilia: “—I have to go to the tomb. Subaru, you'll be there until partway.” Subaru: “I'd like to bow to Garfiel and have him let me see you off to the entrance, but I don't know whether I can persuade him. ...Emilia, saying this might be pointless, but...” Emilia: “—It's pointless. That's nooo good, Subaru.” Don't force yourself, is how Subaru was going to stop her, but Emilia reads ahead and cuts him off.
She gives a hardy smile, putting her finger to her lips.
Emilia: “It's okay—is something maybe you can't think after seeing how messed up I was yesterday, but I'll do my best. I want to do my best. I have to do my best, is what I think.” Emilia balls the hand before her face into a fist. Emilia: “So,” Emilia: “If you're going to tell me anything, don't make it a 'YOU CAN STOP', cheer me on with a 'DO
YOUR BEST'. Then if I can think that there's even one person out there expecting things from me, I'll definitely be able to use that as strength.” Subaru: “I am expecting things from you, Emilia-tan. There's no man out there except maybe your cat dad who's expecting things from you as much as me. —Do your best.”
Emilia: “Mm, I will.” Emilia gives her first genuine smile of the day. Feeling relief at seeing that smile, Subaru stands up and follows Emilia as she exits the building. A cold, chilly wind blows through the night in SANCTUARY. Emilia's silver hair dances on the breeze. Watching the light catch on that river of silver, Subaru stares at her back, his every step strong.
—Tonight's still not going to work, is what he feels.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Subaru's returning to Roswaal's mansion with the evacuees happens two days earlier than in the previous loop. But if you remove the time difference, it's basically otherwise the same. The evacuees file into their respective carriages that they'd arrived in SANCTUARY on, they and the merchants freed to exit SANCTUARY. Subaru and Otto are accompanying them too. The biggest point of difference from last time is,
Subaru: “Someone volunteered to guide the way, but I'm surprised that it's you, Lewes-san. Usually this'd be for an underling... or, a post for someone in that kind of position, right?”
Lewes: “What, er yer not satisfied with me? Lil' Su, fer being their tea-drinking friends, yer sure cold ter yer elders, my poor heart.”
Says Lewes as she pretends to cry. She's squished up next to Subaru and Otto on the driver's platform, making the space here pretty tight.
Otto: “Yes, I empathise. Natsuki-san truly has no mercy or constraint, and so I'm sure he's forgotten to consider such subtleties while speaking with you, Ma'am.”
Lewes: “Oi, Lil' Su. There's some guy I don't know 'ere, who's that, this guy.”
Otto: “That's what my position is to you!?”
Otto's attempt to raise a conference for those wounded by Subaru fails nicely. He's holding the reins, carries the lifeblood of the carriage, and he's still getting made fun of. A shadow falls over his face.
Otto: “Ah... The impression I gave was one of somebody who'd been constantly yelling like this ever since arriving, but it certainly stuck well on Margrave Mathers.”
Subaru: “You got to show him your usual not-worked-up self, and he laughed so hard the wounds on his stomach opened so I'd say that impression you left was pretty strong?”
Otto: “There are good and bad impressions in this world, but thinking normally, which side do you think the impression you get when your stomach tears open belongs on?”
Subaru: “This's what he says after leaving people's stomachs ripped open... guy's beyond help.”
Otto: “If I'm beyond help then by your accompanying you're well beyond help, too!”
So this time Otto managed to get his meeting with Roswaal without any fuss. Roswaal, who laughed his ass off at Otto's normal demeanour, likely does not hold a low opinion of Otto. Although it doesn't seem Roswaal particularly regarded Otto in terms of being a merchant.
Subaru: “Well, that's fine so long as I keep cornering you further through our relationship. Besides, knowing top secret information of the Mathers domain, escape is already beyond you.”
Otto: “Meeting you was when my luck ran out, Natsuki-san... or no, I've now reached a sort of enlightenment and that part is fine.” Plummeting down a road of misfortune without being disheartened, Otto indeed possesses the strong will of a merchant. His destiny would almost certainly never be one that brought him great success, but he still wouldn't regret the choices he made. Internally, Subaru indeed feels friendship toward this dude.
Subaru: “I'll be working you from now on too, so good to have you, Otto!” Otto: “What the heck is he saying with such a sunny expression, this man!” Subaru taps Otto on the shoulders and shoots him a thumbs up. Lewes gestures plugging her ears, squished between the noisy two as Subaru looks down from the carriage. Subaru: “—So, see you soon, Emilia-tan.” Emilia: “Mm, take care.” So Emilia's there too and she gives a little wave. —Last night, accompanied by Subaru, Emilia challenged the TRIAL. She failed. Since Subaru couldn't accompany her inside the tomb, her TRIAL wasn't interrupted partway through and she crawled stupefied out of the tomb herself, collapsed into Subaru's arms, and lost consciousness. Having spent the entire night at her side as she slept, Subaru couldn't remember just how many times he wiped the tears from her sleeping face. Saying that Subaru felt no unease about leaving her behind, harbouring this mental wear, would be a complete lie. He wanted to be at her side as much as possible, supporting her trembling body.
Subaru: “I'll be back in a day or two, so don't force yourself. There's no need to rush if the villagers are gone. Let's slowly, take our time in conquering this.”
Emilia: “Right... right. Mm, if that's what you say, Subaru...” Different from the smile last night where she'd gotten some slight strength back, this smile is weak and feels only fleeting. That she was nevertheless standing here seeing Subaru and the others off itself meant she was forcing herself. Otherwise it might be that there's something else tugging at her attention, and she's doing this to forget it.
Subaru: “Ram, I don't mean that as a reminder but...” Ram: “I have my suspicions what that may have been other than a reminder. ...Do relax. Loathe as I am to say, I share your opinion, Barusu. This problem is fundamentally one that should be viewed as an extended battle. So long as Roswaal-sama does not order otherwise, I'll keep Garf controlled.” Subaru: “I'm in your debt... is terrifying actually. I'll thank you some other way.” Ram: “Tch. Unexpectedly good intuition from Barusu.” Subaru: “I just casually avoided a death flag there—hk”
Clicking her tongue, Ram gives a graceful and polite bow, that being the only polite thing she's giving him. She takes a step back, and Subaru rights his seating on the driver's platform for departure—when he spots Garfiel, far behind the row of see-offers, glaring with his arms crossed.
Garfiel notices that Subaru's noticed him. Their gazes meet. Neither can tell what exactly the other is feeling, but with the thing with Emilia last night, the riskiness hasn't softened a bit. Subaru mutters about finding a way to start the Befriend Garfiel route. Otto: “Natsuki-san? Now is about time for departure, shall we go?” Subaru: “We shall. Lewes-san, escort pleaaase!”
Lewes: “Leave it all ter me.” Lewes nods, Otto gives Patrasche and Frufoo the signal. The carriages slowly start moving, and the migration of evacuees begins. The carriages move at a pretty sluggish pace, which is inevitable out of consideration for all the kids, elderly and women aboard.
Subaru: “But still, everyone looks good, knowing they can go back.”
Lewes: “Home, ers something with that power. No matter how little there is ter see, no matter how boring it is, yer always wind up leaving yer heart there in the end.” Mutters Subaru, and Lewes follows up. Subaru crosses his arms and tilts his head. Subaru: “Really, huh?” Subaru: “Do you love SANCTUARY too, Lewes-san?” Lewes: “...Who cerld say. I'm in a special case where I don't know anywhere outside it. Thinking of other places is frightening, is a thought I do have.” Subaru: “Frightening?” Lewes: “It's frightening to tread into somewhere unknown, Lil' Su. Specially fer old biddies like me.” An aged smile rises on Lewes' face, her eyes looking somewhere distant. But since her appearance is a little girl, no matter how serious she gets, she just looks like a little girl overcompensating and it falls apart. Sharing conversations here and there along the road as they go, the line of carriages proceeds slowly though the forest. The trip's about 8-hours one way. The Windbreaker Blessing guarantees that the travel's smooth, which ironically makes it all feel like it's taking longer. Lewes: “Yer've got a pretty clever dragon. Even if I weren't escortin', would barely get the road wrong at all.” Subaru: “She's my adorable pride and joy. It's kinda wrong for me to be bragging about it, but the people around me are pretty high level, yknow?”
Starting with the cast of Roswaal's mansion, everyone Subaru's met since the start of the Royal
Selection has been a somebody. His own banality and averageness is incredibly pathetic, but Subaru rationalises that for now just looking up is acceptable. His start might've been late and he may be a lap behind, but he has begun running. All he has to do to catch up is continue—and the strength to do that, has already been given to him.
Subaru: “That reminds me, it's all good that you're escorting us halfway, but what are you going to do for getting back, Lewes-san? All the carriages are returning to Arlam Village, there won't be any transportation for you.”
Lewes: “Yer don't hafter worry, I'm of course going back on my own two feet. I'll let yer know that these legs still gotter long way ter go before they lose ter any youngster.” Lewes slaps her short, skinny little legs. There is not a single speck of persuasiveness in what she's saying, but Subaru has no inclination to break the heart of a confident little girl.
Subaru: “Got it got it... hey, Otto. You have the willpower to run back to SANCTUARY carrying a little girl?” Otto: “I'm afraid I have no idea what that question would be implying, so would you mind if I said no?”
Subaru: “You hear that, Lewes-san? Seems like this guy doesn't even have the integrity to carry a little girl who has to walk through a big, dark forest alone. One, two little girls, he couldn't care less.”
Lewes: “It's terrerrble. How barren people's hearts have become.” Otto: “Did you two prepare this beforehand!?” Otto's yelling rips through the forest's silence. Subaru and Lewes look at each other, smiling, when
Lewes suddenly looks up. Lewes: “About here.” Subaru furrows his brows, when Lewes abruptly slumps toward him. He catches her. Subaru: “Otto, stop. There's something weird about Lewes-san.” Otto: “Are we returning to the village?” Otto brings the carriage to a stop and conveys instructions to the other carriages through hand- signal flags, the other vehicles stopping and the dragons growling. Lewes raises her hand.
Lewes: “...Sorry. Yer don't hafter go back. It's just the effect of coming so close ter the barrier. I'll probably go unconsciousness if we go far as exiting the forest.” Subaru: “The barrier... then it's the same as when Emilia entered SANCTUARY.” Subaru: “But man there's really no making it out, this barrier. Not sensitive-skinned me or dull- skinned Otto are really feeling anything.” Otto: “What is 'dull skinned'. There isn't any such thing as skin being sensitive or dull.”
Subaru: “Young people who neglect their skincare like that will come to regret their past ignorance when they steadily and steadily get troubled with freckles and blemishes from their late twenties on.”
Otto: “I sincerely haven't a clue what you're saying any more, but returning to topic, this would be where we part with Lewes-sama... correct?”
Lewes: “Yer, would be. This's far as I go. Those of SANCTUARY have terrerrble compatibility with the barrier. Came fer the first time in a while ter see what'd happen... but no, there's nothing going.”
Subaru: “Was part of you coming along perhaps to test that?”
Lewes: “I thought this was a serprisingly convenient thing fer me, too. But the barrier's just as yer see. …If I'm no good, then SANCTUARY won't be freed unless the TRIAL's over. I'm sure yer knew that, Lil' Su.”
Subaru senses that Lewes is showing him what conditions are like for those trapped in SANCTUARY, that Lewes yearns to leave the place, and that such a thing is an extremely natural want.
Subaru: “And Emilia'd feel the same thing if she came this far.”
Lewes: “Since she entered inside, yer. There's more people living in SANCTUARY than just ones who were born ernd raised here. Lil' Roz's sometimes brought along ones in similar circumstances from outside. Those kids became the witch's property the instant they entered SANCTUARY. Emilia-sama's nert an exception.”
Subaru: “...Kinda feel there's some information in there I can't let slide, again.”
If these people Roswaal's bringing in are effected by the barrier, that'd mean they're half-bloods.
Subaru: “Then he's bringing them here and trapping them? What the hell's he thinking?”
Lewes: “His intentions fer that... hearing that from my mouth'd be a breach. Yer should ask Lil' Roz directly when yer come back, Lil' Su.”
Lewes gets out of Subaru's arms and hops down off the driver's platform, going to stroke Patrasche's neck.
Lewes: “Good dragon. Yer go help yer master good, now.”
Patrasche nuzzles her back, seeming to agree with Lewes. And not being conceited but this was the first time Subaru'd seen Patrasche be so friendly with anyone except him. For being able to talk with her, Otto eats quite the number of headbutts.
Subaru: “I've got lotsa things to do in SANCTUARY, so I'm coming back right after I've asked Frederica what I wanna ask.”
Lewes: “That'd be best. ...This ers just my intuition, but I don't think things in SANCTUARY'll move without yer.”
Subaru: “And there's another serious overestimation... it's just intuition though.”
Lewes: “It's the intuition of a woman who's lived over 100 years.”
Subaru something something somethings and gives Lewes a polite bow from atop the driver's platform. She backs off from the carriage, Otto quietly announces they're going.
Subaru: “Well, see you again, Lewes-san. Take care and get back safely.”
Lewes: “Mhm. Yer'll leave the forest if yer go straight ahead from here. Keep going till yer hit the road, and yer dragon'll handle the rest. Take care.”
Lewes waves at them, Otto again signalling with the flags to get the group of carriages moving. While watching them leave, Lewes turns her back and heads deeper into the forest. Subaru watches her gradually disappear into the gaps between the trees, praying for her safe return—even though inside Subaru's chest, he had felt an inexpressible disquiet.
Subaru: “...Kinda, felt uneasy there.”
The unease arrived during that last conversation. Still unable to specifically express what it was, Subaru entrusts his weight to the rocking of the carriage. They exit the forest, the sunrays beam down, the road expands—they cross the barrier, and exit Sanctuary. There's still a long, long road ahead.
With things he had to do, and conversations he had to have.
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