Monster no Goshujin-sama - Volume 2 - Chapter 3

Chapter 3: A Deep Cavity Within the Heart

The forest was overflowing with danger. Visibility was poor, branches were everywhere, and any footholds were unreliable. Just moving around required a fair bit of concentration. I couldn’t forget that this domain wasn’t meant for humans. But failing regardless of knowing such things was what it meant to be human.

“Uwah?!”

My foot slipped. My vision was slightly blurry from exhaustion, causing me to slip on a moss-covered rock. I lost my balance in an instant. In a panic, I reached my arm out toward a tree, but it was just a little too far away.

The moment before I pathetically fell to the ground, something caught my body.

“That was close. Do be careful, My Lord.”

“...Thanks.”

Gerbera immediately got behind me and stopped me from falling. She was keeping a close watch on our surroundings while also paying attention to me. As a result, my head ended up half-buried in her bountiful chest. But Gerbera didn’t seem to care about that. Her face, which now looked upside down from my perspective, was filled with concern.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry for causing you trouble.”

“This much is nothing.”

Gerbera made sure my feet were firmly planted on the ground.

“...”

She then squeezed my head against her one more time before letting me go.

As I turned and stared at her, in a shrill voice she said, “Wh-What is it?” Her legs began skittering about. This was apparently a nervous tic of hers. “I-I wasn’t really thinking of the side benefits or anything.”

“Do you know what the phrase ‘letting the cat out of the bag’ means?”

“S-Somehow or other.”

“...Oh well.”

There was no point in hounding her over this. I decided to just let her off there and continue our search. Gerbera looked somewhat relieved as she started advancing through the forest once more.

“...This is problematic,” I muttered to myself as I paid careful attention to my steps.

It was a bit embarrassing, but Gerbera apparently had feelings for me. I wasn’t so dense that I didn’t notice such a clear display of affection. Although, if it wasn’t Gerbera, I might not have noticed. I wasn’t popular with girls. I was neither ugly nor handsome. One could say I was completely average and entirely serious. I was aware that talking to me was boring, so it wasn’t fun for girls to be with me.

It was out of the question for charming members of the other sex to suddenly fall for a guy like me. That’s what I would normally think. However, Gerbera’s straightforward demeanor wouldn’t permit such escapism.

I was honestly happy about the feelings she directed toward me. How would a normal boy feel about such feelings coming from a girl with the lower body of a spider, I wonder? Would they be happy? Would they feel grossed out? I was perhaps just a deviant from their perspective.

Who cares? I don’t give a damn about what other people think anymore.

I loved Gerbera as one of my companions. I had no psychological objections to those emotions developing into feelings of love toward her as a woman. At the very least, her lower half didn’t bother me in the least.

Having said that, I already accepted Lily’s love. As a normal boy born in modern Japan, it was common sense I should only love one girl. So, I couldn’t answer Gerbera’s feelings.

I wonder if my thoughts would hit such a dead end with a human girl?

However, I also had to remember I was no longer in modern Japan. This was another world. These girls were my servants and I was their master. They were special to me, and I was just as special to them. I fully realized this after that calamitous night where we faced the incarnation of tyranny.

It didn’t need to be said that our type of relationship didn’t exist in Japan. My sense of values from back then didn’t really apply here, and it was clear that trying to apply them would be somewhat unreasonable. I needed to rethink things from square one regarding my relationship with these girls.

There’s also the matter of Gerbera and Rose. I’m getting a headache from all this...

But these matters involved the girls I found dearest to me. I had to give them serious thought. Above all else, I wanted to properly think things over and give them my answers. Having the leisure to worry about such things was actually something to be happy about.

“What’s problematic, My Lord?” Gerbera said, turning around as she marched forward. It seemed she’d heard my muttering.

I smiled awkwardly back at her. I couldn’t honestly tell her I was troubled over how to progress my relationship with her.

“Nothing. I was just thinking of how hard it is to find a new servant.”

I was trying to gloss things over, but this was in fact troubling. Three days had passed since we started exploring the forest together. Though we continued our search in high spirits, we still hadn’t found any new servants.

Our exploration hadn’t been fruitless, however. Gerbera had a monster—one we called a bullet creeper back in the Colony—wrapped up in webs hanging from her plump spider abdomen. These were plant monsters who entwined themselves on trees and fired out seeds like buckshot from a lily-shaped flower. Lily could get stronger by eating it, and Gerbera could also harvest mana, as minuscule as it was, by defeating it. In that, our past three days hadn’t been meaningless.

We were covering a fair bit of ground quite smoothly, but the results were still far and away from what I was hoping for. The reason I wanted to get out and start exploring right away was because I couldn’t stand around doing nothing. But the bigger reason was that our situation had changed significantly. Our battle with Gerbera was quite fierce, but after surmounting it, we managed to gain a powerful new ally.

That night was a major turning point. Our future was incomparably brighter now. Gerbera was one of the strongest monsters in this entire forest. Lily and Rose’s desperate battle against her actually proved there weren’t many monsters who could possibly fight her on even terms.

Not having to fear the threat of normal monsters exponentially raised our freedom of movement. Furthermore, I wanted to target rare monsters and above for my taming ability, and they weren’t threats either. Another high monster could suddenly show up much like Gerbera did, but that wasn’t something we could plan for anyway.

Before, we had no choice but to proceed very carefully, but that wasn’t the case anymore. We could now be a bit more daring in our search for servants. For example, I could search the forest with only Gerbera as my guard, much like we were doing now.

That was why it was quite vexing we weren’t getting the results I’d hoped for. It would be one thing under normal circumstances, but my other goal was to improve the relationship between Gerbera and Rose.

“...Maybe we need to change our approach a little.”

If we weren’t getting any results, we needed to come up with a new plan. We were putting the time Lily and Rose were out of commission to good use, and our current progress wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad, but it was no different from before. We managed to get a new ally in Gerbera, so I wanted to be more efficient about it.

The first idea that came to mind was changing our search area. The biggest reason for our lack of progress was the lack of monsters we were encountering. In three days, we dealt with eight monsters. We were still within range of the exploration team’s former hunting grounds, so this wasn’t a bad number. However, it was pretty much inevitable we wouldn’t find a servant among them. This area was inappropriate for increasing our encounter rate. We needed to go out a little further.

“Is something the matter, My Lord?”

Gerbera looked at me curiously as I sank into silence. I really wanted to get some results so that Rose could start trusting her.

“...Gerbera, there’s something I want to try.”

Having renewed my determination, I cut right to the chase.

◆ ◆ ◆

“In short, you would like me to take you further away?”

I sat down to take a break and shared my thoughts with Gerbera. “Well, that’s the gist of it. I don’t mind if it’s somewhere nearby that has more monsters.”

“Hmm...” She sank into thought and a crease formed between her slender eyebrows.

“Also, I’d like it to still be a day trip if possible.” Rose might object if we didn’t make it there and back within a day.

“Let’s see... There are several locations around here that should work. For example, how about a lake the local wildlife uses as a water source? I do think it would be an easy place to encounter monsters.”

“Ooh. That sounds good.” This was the kind of information I was looking for. I was quite excited that I got more than I was hoping for. “Could you tell me about all the other spots you have in mind?”

“Very well. Leave it to me.” Her voice was lively, apparently happy that she was being of use.

“All that’s left is deciding where to go. Okay, Gerbera, I’d like your advice.”

However, she suddenly became timid at my request. “M-Mine?”

“Is it too much trouble?”

“N-No. Not at all!” She waved both her hands in front of her in a panic. “But is there not someone more fitting to provide this manner of advice?”

“You’re the only one here.”

“That’s true, but... I-I mean, wouldn’t it be better to return for the day?”

“Even so...” I scratched my head. “I honestly don’t want to burden Lily with too much right now.”

“Mm. Burdening the injured is certainly out of the question.”

“And I can’t really talk to Rose about it. You get it, right?”

“That’s true...” Gerbera looked somewhat down. She knew it was likely that Rose would be against this. “...However, I still believe I am unsuitable for this. I’m a woman who simply settled everything with brute force up until now. Thinking things through isn’t my specialty.”

“I don’t think that’s the case.”

After spending the last few days with her, I didn’t believe Gerbera was less intelligent than my other servants. Her heart was simply still young. She was awkward and had terrible luck with meeting others. She definitely wasn’t a fool, but it was hard to convince her otherwise.

“There are others you can consult, aren’t there? For example... Right, what about that terrifying little girl?”

“Katou?”

Gerbera’s impression of Katou was quite harsh. It was strange that my strongest servant was terrified of the girl who possessed the least strength among us, but that was just how much of an impression she’d made that night.

“That little girl is rather impressive. I’m sure she is far more suited to provide you with advice than I.”

It was true that Katou’s advice would likely be good. She had the talent to back up such expectations. Gerbera’s suggestion wasn’t fundamentally a bad idea. However, I still shook my head.

“Asking Katou for advice is barking up the wrong tree.”

“How so?”

“How, you say...?” I was somewhat bewildered by her response. This would’ve been enough to convince Lily or Rose. “Katou isn’t my servant. She’s human.”

“So a human won’t do?” Gerbera looked more and more confused. It felt like I wasn’t getting through to her. “Do you mean she’s not a trustworthy companion because she’s human? But if I’m not mistaken, she came together with the others to save you, did she not?”

“That’s...”

I tried to object, but I was unable to say anything. She was right. Katou was human, but she fought for my sake. She didn’t wield a weapon, but she risked her life in her own way for mine. She saved me by doing so.

So... So what? No, stop. Hang on. Wait. Aren’t my thoughts going in a weird direction?

I had a bad feeling. I didn’t know what was bad about it... but this conversation was becoming inconvenient.

Gerbera didn’t notice my consternation and continued. “I completely thought she was also one of your companions. But if that’s the case, what exactly is she to you?”

It was a very simple question. She was someone I was protecting. Nothing more and nothing less. It was impossible for her to be anything else. She was a human I had to be wary of. That’s what I thought when I first spoke to her. That hadn’t changed, even now. So, this was a very simple question... And yet I was unable to answer. I suddenly recalled Katou’s reserved smile.

“Thank goodness you’re safe, Senpai.”

“Being trusted by you, having trust in you, being devoted to you, and receiving your love as their master are all the greatest forms of happiness, after all.”

“How about Gerbera?”

“Great. So it’s decided.”

“...”

There was actually one more thing on my mind about Katou. Ever since that night, my impression of her changed. It was like... the uneasiness I felt when speaking with her wasn’t really there anymore. I thought this was because she managed to mentally recover after the battle with Gerbera, but that didn’t seem quite right either. She did speak more than before, and as a result, she also smiled more. This certainly was a change, but it wasn’t anything dramatic. She was still expressionless and gloomy. Her eyes were glazed over, and her lips only moved ever so slightly when she did smile. It didn’t wipe away the dark shadow that hung over her, though.

She didn’t change much from before, yet something about her was decisively different. So, wouldn’t it be normal to assume that what changed was the way I was looking at her?

On the night I was abducted, Katou exposed herself to danger to save me. That’s why I looked at her differently. That’s what I thought, at least. In other words, I had misread the girl named Katou Mana.

Thinking back on it, I had been distrustful of her ever since I met her. I was looking at her as if she was definitely going to betray me. Any scenery would look warped when viewed through such a twisted lens. Now I was able to look at her without that sort of bias. That’s probably what this was. But what was I supposed to do now that I realized this?

Gerbera asked what Katou was to me. She was someone I was protecting. Nothing more, nothing less. I never bothered to build a proper human relationship with her because of this. However, that was wrong. Wasn’t I supposed to at least reciprocate her trust after she risked her own life to save me?

Yes... Trust... A human...

“...”

On the day the Colony was destroyed, I was almost killed by my classmates. Humans were filthy. They were all scum. One could never tell when they were going to turn traitor. That conviction within me still hadn’t changed. There was no way such filthy humans would risk their lives to save me. It was unthinkable.

Such was the case, but it felt like Katou, and just Katou, wasn’t likely to betray me. My senses were telling me it was alright to trust her. Maybe it was fine to put my trust in her once more.

Perhaps it’s too late. But this time, I can trust... I can trust...

“Hrk...?!” I suddenly started running away.

“My Lord?!”

I heard Gerbera panicking behind me, but I didn’t pay her any mind. I leaned against a nearby tree and vomited. In my mind, I could vividly see countless eyes looking down on me.

Everything from that day came back to me.

The pain. The suffering. The grief. My trampled heart.

Getting punched, kicked, and stomped on.

The strange noises coming from my ribs.

Ow. Ow. It hurts. I’m scared.

When I opened my eyes, I was met with lifeless gazes. Corpses. People I knew who went through the same suffering I did but were already dead. And the ones who killed them were also people I knew.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.

Those words repeated in my head endlessly. I looked up and saw a row of insane smiles looking back down at me.

“Guh... Hak...”

“A-Are you alright, My Lord?!”

Gerbera came up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. I could feel her heart flowing in me through our mental path. I could feel her concern for me. I could feel her confusion as to what she should do. And... I could feel her sorrow. These were all feelings she, as a servant, had for her master.

“...Huh?” With that, I finally realized this wasn’t the Colony. The self-awareness of what exactly I was right now served as a link bringing my psyche back to the real world. “Ger...bera?”

“My Lord! Can you hear me?!”

My vision was blurry. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. It would’ve helped to have my back stroked, but Gerbera didn’t seem to know what to do, seeing that she was a monster. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

“D-Did I say something bad...?”

“There’s no way you... Hrk?!” I tried to comfort her, but I vomited once more.

“A-Aah... My Lord!”

“I-I’m okay... Calm down a little.”

I regained my composure little by little. Seeing Gerbera in such a panic revived my awareness of being her master; it worked like a tranquilizer for me. I spat out the vomit still in my mouth. My lips were still trembling, but I was at least able to speak a little more at ease like this.

“I’m just a little tired. It’s nothing serious.”

“Really? You’re white as a sheet.”

“I’m fine. It’ll go away with a little rest. You might not get it, but humans are delicate creatures.” I was trying to gloss things over, but the second half wasn’t really a joke.

Goddammit. How pathetic...

“...Sorry, could you bring me my flask? My mouth feels gross.”

My wooden flask was lying on the ground where we were taking a break. I wasn’t sure I could even walk in my current state.

“R-Right. Just wait a moment.”

Gerbera rushed over to the flask like a jet. As I watched her, I glimpsed into the deep cavity within my heart and was left completely astonished. I didn’t think I was this abnormal. My distrust toward humanity was apparently something that had taken root at a very physiological level. The fact that I didn’t even realize this before just showed how serious my symptoms were.

The term PTSD came to mind. It was a form of mental disorder that could be caused by a deep wound to the heart triggered by a disastrous experience which brought one close to death. Human hearts were ever so brittle, so when they were faced with the ultimate form of fear, their own death, the heart would collapse far too easily. It was said it could also occur from an incident which made one lose their dignity as a person.

People who suffered from PTSD took evasive actions against anything related to the source of their trauma. They would have flashbacks of what happened and fall into a panic, and they would end up in poor physical health.

In my case, it was pretty simple. The source of my trauma was being betrayed by my classmates and nearly getting killed. This was the first time I panicked from a flashback, and it really was the worst feeling.

I managed to recover because Gerbera was nearby, but if she wasn’t, it was possible I would’ve fainted on the spot. I was now self-aware of a problem within my own mind.

And also, I had to acknowledge one other truth. I was unable to trust Katou from the bottom of my heart. For example, I was likely incapable of giving her a weapon. I couldn’t entrust her with my safety. It wasn’t a problem of whether or not I needed to do so. That was just what it meant to trust someone. The fact I was incapable of doing so was a pretty big problem in and of itself.

“My Lord! I brought your water!”

“...Thanks.”

I took the flask from Gerbera and rinsed out my mouth. I managed to calm down, but I still didn’t have the strength to stand up straight. I took some unsteady steps away from the tree I vomited on and sat on the ground.

What came to mind as I did were Katou’s “eyes.” That gaze when we first met which would show up every now and then. There was a bottomless tenacity to them... No, that wasn’t quite right. As I was now, I saw something else in those eyes. They were eyes that did nothing more than look at me earnestly as a human.

Up until now, I always wondered what was going through her mind. I doubted her. However, after opening the lid and taking a look inside, that seemed completely foolish. Her intentions were blindingly clear.

Katou had nobody else she could rely on in this world other than me. It was obvious she’d want to rely on me. There was a calculating aspect to that, but having experienced something so cruel it couldn’t even be expressed in words, it was actually her sentimental side which wanted to rely on others.

It was so simple, yet I couldn’t understand her feelings at the time. And because I couldn’t understand them, I ended up finding her attitude eerie. More precisely... I was fixated on the idea that she was definitely scheming something.

As a result, I was unable to give her what she wanted. That was true for the future as well. I now knew both my body and mind rejected her as a human. I was far too insincere after having saved her life.

Above all else, the girl known as Katou Mana was pitiful. I could imagine her loneliness. Her feelings were perfectly clear to me after having gone through it myself. But still, I couldn’t do anything about it.

“If you’d like someone to trust you, then you’ll have to build a reputation to deserve it. What a load of hypocritical bullshit...”

“My Lord?”

Those were the words I told Gerbera just a few days ago. And now they were stabbing me right back in the heart. It was beyond hypocrisy. Those were words I couldn’t ever say. I mean, Katou even risked her life to save me, but she still couldn’t gain my trust.

“My Lord...”

Gerbera fidgeted about for a while. She surely had no idea what to do at times like this. That was inevitable. I had no idea what to do myself. She eventually took a seat next to me. As she did, her folded legs settled down near me. Lured in by them, I leaned against her leg. It was the leg of a spider, but I didn’t find it unpleasant in the least. The feeling of her white hair was actually comfortable.

“Sorry, My Lord.”

“Hm?”

“This happened because of my careless statement, did it not?”

I really couldn’t deceive her, considering my sorry state. Gerbera looked like she was feeling guilty. A shadow was hanging over her.

“I don’t understand what you’re feeling. I also don’t understand what there is between yourself and Katou. I was surely too late in meeting you...”

All of my servants were influenced by my heart through the process of gaining an ego. However, Gerbera didn’t share my animosity toward humans. She became my servant after the scars on my heart had healed somewhat. I was now faced with the deep scars that had yet to mend. Gerbera couldn’t do anything about them. Moreover, she inadvertently touched upon them. That was true. However, I shook my head.

“...Don’t apologize. I should actually be thanking you.”

“Huh...?”

“I mean, if you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have noticed my own misunderstanding.”

This likely wouldn’t have happened with Lily or Rose. They understood the feelings I held toward humans and were just that much more careful about taking it into consideration. But Gerbera absolutely wasn’t intent on ruining my mood. And I’m sure this was nothing more than a failure in her eyes. However, her failure had value.

“Sorry, can you let me stay like this for a bit?” I asked.

Gerbera looked at me with a somewhat imprudent expression and nodded repeatedly.

“Thanks.”

I closed my eyes and sank deep into thought. I had misread Katou. As a result, I ended up isolating her. And yet, she fought with her life on the line for my sake. As such, I had to respond to her goodwill.

Now then, was I actually capable of surmounting the wounds to my heart and doing something for her in return? It would surely take time. It was perhaps impossible. But even so, I had to put in the effort. I believed this to be a responsibility I had to fulfill.

I wonder what she’s doing right now...?

And as that thought passed through my mind, the pain in my heart refused to subside.