Chapter 1 – Feeling Your Smile
Clap, clap, clap. That wasn't the sound of me clapping my hands. Rather, I was slapping my face. Behind the closed curtains, I could see light already starting to pour in. It was morning. And yet, to me, it didn't feel like any time had passed. I'd closed my eyes, and then in the next instant, had woken up. This wasn't the only strange sensation bothering me; both my shoulders and my head felt completely weightless.
I wasn't the sort of person who usually had trouble getting up in the morning. So then, what was it? Why did my body feel so light?
I went ahead and pulled the curtains open.
"......"
Doing so, I found myself at a complete loss for words.
The roofs, the treetops, they were all painted in the shades of morning by the rising sun.
The world before me was full of light, causing the outlines of all the things in my vision to appear soft, almost round.
Never in my life had I witnessed such intense, warm sunlight.
Like my feelings, the world too had changed. It was true what they said: The world existed within you.
I kinda remembered reading something like that in a book once.
Back then, I hadn't quite understood what it meant, by now, I did.
My body still felt weightless even now that I was standing upright. A part of me really believed that if I were to jump in the air, I would be able to start flying. While certainly an interesting sensation in its own right, it did come with the downside of me barely being able to walk. Had I not known beforehand that I was walking on carpet, there was a chance that I wouldn't have been able to tell that without looking first.
I spent the next few moments like that, wandering around my room, unable to find what it was that I was looking for. Where should I even start from? I didn't know. It was as if my consciousness had broken down into a million tiny little pieces. I couldn't focus on anything, so much so that if at some point I'd found myself having instinctively started cleaning my room or something, that honestly wouldn't have come as much of a shock to me. It just went to show how barely in control I felt here. All it'd take was for me to doze off for a single moment and everything around me would fade to white.
That lasted for some time, until eventually, I found it. Sitting there in the centre of my room, I went ahead and opened the dictionary I'd pulled from my shelf.
"Ca-Ca-Ca—"
I almost sounded like a chicken.
Couple. Two people who are going out. Flip, flip, flip.
Going out. Forming a couple with another person as lovers. Flip, flip, flip.
Lover. A person one thinks about romantically. Commonly implies mutual love.
Slam.
I slammed the dictionary shut, and doing so, collapsed on the floor. I could feel my chest tighten.
That sensation was centred around the pit of my stomach, and in some way, felt like I was holding my breath in. Soon enough, my limbs started growing heavy, almost as if I was suffering from lack of oxygen. I found myself instinctively opening my mouth as far as it would go as I sucked in all the air I could. Unfortunately, that turned out to not be very helpful; the air I breathed in all got stuck in my throat. This only made it more difficult for me to breathe, and a few moments later, I began to choke.
How I usually handled these situations was lie on my back and press on my chest, and that is exactly what I did here. Little by little, my skin began to burn, almost as if the warmth of the summer was raining down upon me. My neck especially felt hot. I could practically feel the blood gushing through my veins. My heart began to race, bringing with it both nausea and a headache. And yet, I didn't entirely dislike the sensation. There were certain parts to it that felt almost refreshing.
All these flaws were causing me to grow excited.
Feeling dizzier than I ever had before, I was able to at last regain some portion of my senses.
Alright. Let's calm down.
Seriously, what was wrong with me? Why was I this excited? I hadn't sweat any during the night, but now, my body was drenched all over. Combing my stuffy hair with my fingers, I forced myself to take a deep breath.
I went ahead and tried recalling the events that had led here as calmly as I possibly could.
Right now... it was morning. And yesterday, it had been night. Wait, wait... Why did I need to confirm that? What was I even doing? I had barely taken the first step, and already I was starting to lose it. I suppose acting calm in this situation simply wasn't possible. I scratched my head. In any case, yesterday, I had attended the festival with Shimamura and... then... the next day had come. Less than ten hours had passed since then, and yet, just like when viewing fireworks from afar, those memories felt distant.
The details were so hazy to me that a part of me seriously wondered if it had all been just a dream.
I had basically no recollection of me coming home from the festival. What had followed Shimamura's response, I couldn't tell you. The fact that I had picked out all the good bits and stored just those in my mind only made it feel more like a dream. Speaking of good bits, I kinda remembered coming home holding her hand.
I also felt like we'd talked about something, but as to what that something was, I didn't remember. That's right; I'd had a conversation with Shimamura and couldn't recall it. If anything could sum up my mindset last night, it had to be that.
The development had simply been that shocking.
I'd told Shimamura that I loved her.
Following that, Shimamura had asked me what it was that I wanted to do.
One thing led to another, and soon enough, I'd asked her to go out with me.
Slap, slap, slap. I slapped my cheeks again. It was impossible for me to sit still. My toes were going wild, giving me the impression that at any point, I might find myself sprinting forward. At the same time, it would definitely have been more strange had I been able to remain perfectly calm in such a situation. That was how I chose to see it, at least. My eyes continued to spin.
The fact that we were going out probably made... No, it definitely made our relationship a special one. The joy this knowledge gave me was unlike anything else.
We were both irreplaceable to one another. Absolute. That was what it meant. Hmm... Probably.
Did it really?
Immediately, questions like those began appearing in my mind. Unsure as to what exactly was causing it, I started feeling anxious.
The sensation of me being stuck in a dream grew stronger by the second.
The lights of the festival, all of its glimmer had gotten me drunk. I'd really thought that it would last forever.
And yet, it didn't. The next day had come, the sun had risen like it always did, and I had woken up.
What was I going to do? What was I going to do? Seriously, what was I going to do?
I found my head tilting to the side as I asked myself these questions. The sound of my bones grinding together could be heard coming from inside my neck.
Dealing with a problem meant that there was one less thing to worry about. An obvious conclusion, yes, but finding it had taken me multiple minutes.
First things first, let's make it absolutely clear that this wasn't a dream.
I grabbed my phone, navigated to the barren contacts list, and picked out Shimamura's number.
Simply seeing her name on the screen caused my hands to grow even more sweaty than they already were.
I was feeling both nervous and excited all at the same time, and it was this mix of emotions that caused my shoulders and stomach to hurt so incredibly much.
Maybe I should just wait for that sensation to pass. Wait for it to get better. Maybe then I wouldn't be a complete embarrassment to myself.
Of course, there was no way that I could wait.
Mere moments later, the call connected.
It took a few more for Shimamura to pick up.
"Mmh, yes... Hello?"
Her reaction was feeble, almost reminding me of tiny paper scraps being rubbed together.
This was it. Shimamura's voice. Quickly, I went ahead and straightened out my back.
That's what I tried to do at least; in reality, my lack of self-confidence left me looking like some hunchback.
"Err... G-Good morning."
I'd only gotten that much out, and already my throat felt like it was about to burst open.
"Oh... Adachi... What is it?"
She sounded practically half-asleep. Sure, Shimamura wasn't really a morning person, but this was a bit much even for her. I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was about to be six in the morning. Yeah, no kidding she was tired. Any regular person would be at this time. I really should've thought about it twice before calling her. Seriously, how careless could I be?
Once again I felt a wave of sweat travel down my back.
"Sorry. Were you, umm, asleep?"
"Yeah. I was."
Her reply came out sounding quite sluggish. I was left feeling like if I didn't say something in the next ten seconds or so, I might start hearing the sound of snoring coming from her end.
"Would it be better if I called you back later? It would, right?"
"No, no. It's fine... So then, what was it?"
Nothing about the way Shimamura was talking here made it seem like she'd changed one bit. No, it was just the regular old her on the other end of the call.
Similarly, I too was acting just as flustered as I always did, constantly falling flat on my face. Wait... Huh?
Did that mean that neither of us had changed then?
There was something about this realisation that helped me calm down. I didn't have to do anything new or different. No, I should just talk to her like usual with my eyes drawing circles.
Hmm... Looking at it from an objective point of view, I really did act like that pretty often, didn't I?
"Hey, umm..."
"Yes?"
How had I gotten home last night? Had I acted weird? Had I even been conscious? I had so many different things that I wanted to ask her, and yet, thinking about how those questions were all connected, it became clear that there was something far more important that needed to be cleared out first.
Gripping my phone tight, I swallowed the saliva in my mouth. Assuming it had all been a dream, then what an embarrassment that would be. Actually, no; calling it a mere embarrassment didn't cut it.
I'd be scarred for life. That was more akin to what we were talking about here.
Like climbing over a massive cliff, I took a step forward.
"We're... We're going, err, g-going out now, right?"
My voice ended up cracking halfway through the sentence. This was followed by a hiccup, and by the end, I'd grown completely flustered.
No way was I ever going to get past this embarrassment for as long as I lived.
"Hmm? Yeah, seems so."
Why did she say that like she was talking about someone else? Before I knew it, my feet had begun drumming against the floor.
"Y-Yesterday. Yesterday, we..."
"Yep. It happened yesterday."
Her words came out quick. They felt so light. It was almost like she'd taken a balloon and hit it upwards into the air.
Whatever the case, this proved it; it hadn't been a dream.
The events of yesterday were, in fact, connected to those of today.
I bowed my head slightly, almost as if thanking the world for the way things had played out.
"I... I look forward to spending time with you."
"Oh, sure. The pleasure is all mine."
On her side of the call, I could hear Shimamura shake her hair up and down.
I mean, I get it. She was super tired and all having just woken up. And yet. And yet, I wish she would have been... how to put it... more excited? Something like that. Actually, no. No, no, no. This wasn't the right way to go about it at all. Why was I complaining in silence? If you wanted something, then you had to be willing to take action.
"I, err... I love... you..."
Skipping straight past any sort of preface, I blurted those words out.
It was during moments like these that I became painfully aware of just how little experience I'd had in life.
The worst part was that I couldn't even blame anyone for it. No, this was all my own fault.
"Oh? Well, thanks."
The way she elongated the last word there caused my ears to grow warm. Before I knew it, our conversation had come to a halt.
What else could we talk about? What was I supposed to say? I had no idea.
I never did.
The heat and the silence both continued tormenting me.
"Err, well then..."
"Yep."
"Sleep... well?"
It felt pretty strange saying that in the morning.
"I'll try."
I could sense her moving her mouth away from the phone as she said that.
Though our relationship had changed quite a bit, it seemed that we were both more or less the same when it came to talking on the phone.
So, this was how it was now, huh? The whole situation was so incredibly difficult for me to grasp.
Right then.
Her voice came back.
"I love you too."
"...
......
........."
The call ended.
"...
.........
..................Huh?"
Huh?
".................."
Like I was being splattered by rain, droplets of warmth began surfacing on my face.
My chest grew empty, almost as if the threads that held my soul together had come unravelled.
I felt hollow.
Only my neck remained constrained.
Soon, that sensation had spread to the rest of my body as well.
I leapt forward. My elbows and knees came into contact with the floor, leaving me in a position where I was crawling on all fours. As soon as I was able to comprehend what had just happened, a wave of embarrassment so intense it made me want to roll around while holding my head hit me, rendering me incapable of thinking about it any further. It was as if I'd just consumed poison of some unknown nature. Pressing my fingers both above and below my eyes, I tried my hardest to endure what I was going through. Just. Just. Relax. Just relax.
It was there that I reached my limit.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The way I squirmed around made me look like a bird that had been shot out from the sky.
A summer morning in the middle of August. The sound of cicadas had started to grow distant.
To replace them appeared a new type of creature, one which howled far more loudly by itself.
There, a new chapter of my life began, a chapter so sweetly hazy.
I once again found myself holding my head, wondering to myself if it had all been just a dream. Everything was going exactly how I had wanted, and it was that which caused me to feel so incredibly anxious. In my mind, that had never been how reality worked. The world wasn't kind and gentle, but rather, cold and bitter.
I had to wonder, had I perhaps been wrong in my assessment?
Maybe instead of being cruel, the world simply held no interest towards us.
What even was the world? What was reality?
The conclusion I came to was that it was everything that surrounded us.
The environment, the air, human relationships, everything beyond the planet, the entirety of the cosmos itself.
All things which hardly cared about a measly little individual.
There you had it. Reality was not interested in us. It was neither malicious nor was it going to offer us any support. Everything that ever happened in this world was the same way. Rolling a long streak of sixes with a dice didn't mean that someone had orchestrated it, nor was that the case when you couldn't stop rolling ones either.
The fact that good things were happening to me now didn't mean that I had to feel anxious of what might come next.
Of course, on the flip side, it was also true that repeated misfortunes offered no guarantee that things would eventually get better.
"Still..."
Sitting there with my knees up, I found myself wriggling from side to side. I understood from a philosophical point of view that there was no reason to worry, and yet, at the same time, that didn't help me feel any less anxious. Should I call her again around noon? Ask her about how she'd said that she l... lo... loved me? I could feel my hair slapping against my forehead. Why was it that I ended up attacking myself whenever I felt this embarrassed?
I was so... inarticulate. Like a piece of damp seaweed. The opposite of snappy and to the point. Was it really not possible for me to hold myself together when talking with Shimamura? I'd been able to do it earlier, way back when, and yet, now, I no longer could. Why was that? I found myself thinking about it with my face hidden behind my knees. As I got older, the things I was not able to do grew in number. That was most certainly not how it was supposed to go. I'd once heard someone say as much.
Well, then again, it wasn't like I'd been able to do much to begin with.
"........."
A long sigh left my mouth.
The conclusion I came to was that I was desperate for Shimamura to love me.
It was for that reason why I went out of my way to carefully choose every last one of my words. It also explained why I had been able to speak so much more fluently in the past; I hadn't really put that much thought into what came out of my mouth back then. A part of me seriously wondered if that approach was better in letting me reach mutual understanding with her.
Maybe I should try that, not worrying about it and instead speaking out my mind?
Just giving her a random response whenever she asked me something?
Yeah, no. No way could I ever do that. Had I been dealing with anyone else, I might have been able to pull it off, but not with her.
Interacting with people sure was difficult.
Even more so now that I had things in life that I was looking towards.
Resting my cheek against my knees, I found myself staring off into space. I was more than aware of the fact that the sheer size of my ambitions, the true magnitude of my dreams was still far beyond my grasp. I was like a chicken, running around all excited while feeling like nothing was real.
I really wasn't able to calm down, huh?
Had I maintained my earlier attitude, remained the same person who I was back then, would our relationship have taken a completely different path? I could only assume so.
Would things have gone more smoothly between us? Would everything have been less stagnant?
I caught myself entertaining such thoughts.
There were so many aspects to me that were beyond helping.
It was quite the human thing, wasn't it, to feel that way?
"Haa..."
For some reason, I found myself wanting to hear Shimamura's voice as I leant forward.
Why was that? If I had to guess, I'd say it was because doing so enabled me to hear my own heartbeat and thus let me feel just how badly I missed her.
Wondering if I should call her, I reached for my phone. Oh, but what if instead of calling her, I went to see her? What if I went over to her house and we—
"Yeah, no."
Quickly, I put a stop to those plans.
I couldn't even begin to imagine how badly I was going to disgrace myself were I to do that in my current state. If she hadn't already, she'd grow completely disillusioned of me. And I didn't want that.
Take your time and pull yourself together. Then, you can go see her.
Calming down was especially crucial considering that summer break was about to come to an end soon. Whether I liked it or not, going forward, we'd meet at school every single day. I'd have to be prepared for that.
All in all, I got the impression that it would take me quite a bit of time to get myself to a state where I was ready to talk with her face to face.
Even so, just calling her should be fine. It should be. Repeating that to myself, I used my arm—the same arm that had been stretched out this whole time—to grab my phone.
There was one thing I wanted to make clear. Just one thing.
This time, it took her very little time to pick up.
"Ah. Shimamura..."
"Good morning."
Her voice sounded much more firm compared to earlier when she'd just woken up. It was her usual voice.
Immediately, my cheeks began to itch as I recalled her words.
"Right, good morning. Umm... You're awake?"
"Yeah? What time do you think it is?"
She followed this question with a giggle. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was just past ten.
Wait, no, but that didn't make sense. Given that it was summer break right now, it wouldn't have been at all weird for her to still be sleeping.
"So then, anyway. What is it?"
"Err, let me think..."
I'd thought about starting off with some casual conversation, like asking her if she'd done her homework or something like that. And yet, ultimately, I ended up skipping straight to the main topic anyway.
The longer I talked for, the more opportunities I had to embarrass myself. That was what I thought.
"Earlier, you, err... You said..."
My heart was beating so incredibly fast that I felt like any second now, it might end up climbing up my throat.
"I... love you..."
"Oh, right. Thanks. Again."
"Oh, no, not like that. That's not what I meant."
"It's not? Well, that's shocking."
"N-No, no. No, no, no. What I mean is, you, Shimamura, you said..."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you. You said that you... love me..."
Those were her own words, and yet, they ended up sounding like they were mine.
Hugging my knees and with my body as stiff as a plank, I did my best to endure the tidal wave of embarrassment currently passing over me. It felt like my skin was being burnt off.
"Hmm? When did I say that?"
"Huh?"
C-Come on now. Stop joking.
I didn't actually say that out loud. But, I did think about it.
Was she too embarrassed to admit that she'd said it? That was what I assumed at first. However, based on the long pause that followed, it became clear that she genuinely didn't remember.
"........."
No longer did I feel like telling her to stop joking.
"Hmm... Hey, Adachi. Are you mad at me?"
"Ah..."
I swallowed deeply.
"I'm not... I'm not angry."
"Oh, yeah. You definitely are. Sorry, sorry. But, I really don't remember saying it."
She'd seen right through me. While I wouldn't go as far as to say that I was angry, it was certainly true that I'd gotten close to losing my temper. I suppose that as far as Shimamura was concerned, picking out such details was far too much work, which was why she had ended up settling on me simply being angry. Close enough, she'd probably thought to herself.
It was there in her ability to do so that I felt the difference in our experience when it came to dealing with other people really shone. Had I been the one in her shoes, it wasn't difficult to imagine that I would've thought about it endlessly, ultimately ending up unable to say anything.
"I'm really not angry. I'm not..."
"So then, what?"
Even the fact that there was more to come following that statement she was able to pick out instantaneously. She really did understand me surprisingly well, didn't she? There was something about that realisation that made me quite happy. It filled me with light. And yet, light alone wasn't enough for me. I needed something more.
"So then, could you... say it again? Right now?"
I knew this was more than it was right to ask for, and yet, I asked for it anyway. If you couldn't remember doing something, then you ought to do it over. That was what I thought.
Of course, that wasn't to say that there weren't a lot of situations in life where doing something over wasn't really a possibility, because there certainly were.
The difference here was that not so much time had passed yet that it couldn't be taken back.
"Err... That's a little, you know..."
The slight variation in her voice let me know that she was currently moving her head.
"It's kinda embarrassing, don't you think?"
"Y-You can do it!"
"Thanks, but I'm not sure if you cheering for me is going to help..."
I found myself having at some point shifted my position. I was now sitting upright with my back straight.
Thinking about it, was this the first time in my life I'd had someone tell me that they loved me? It honestly might have been.
I couldn't recall even my parents having ever done that.
I suppose it went to explain why I had ended up like that, like a bird that had been shot down from the sky. The sheer excitement had simply been too much for me to take.
Then again, if Shimamura was the one doing it, I didn't really mind being shot.
I felt impatient. So incredibly impatient that losing my focus for even a second would almost certainly result in me breaking down. Knowing this, I tried my hardest to calm myself down by taking long, slow breaths.
A few moments passed, after which I stopped breathing entirely.
"I love you, Adachi."
Her voice—just as warm as before—quickly engulfed my ears.
Were I a teakettle, no doubt would I have ended up shooting out steam.
I mean, I wasn't one, and I still came close to it.
Wait, but if I could shoot out steam, then did that make me a teakettle after all?
None of this made any sense to me.
All I knew was that my body felt hot inside, so hot that any second now, I feared that I might end up melting down.
"I guess that means I love you so much I ended up saying it unintentionally. Just love you to bits. Something like that. Probably."
"What... What part?"
"Huh?"
"What part of me do you love?"
I was asking her this purely because I wanted to use it as reference going forward. Doing so, I could sense Shimamura finding herself at a loss for words.
"Hmm... The part of you that doesn't ask me these sorts of questions?"
She followed this comment with a short laugh.
I thought about it for a moment.
No, still didn't make sense.
"Sorry, but I don't really understand what you mean."
"Oh, right. I guess I should've known dodging the question wouldn't be possible..."
What did she mean by "dodging the question"? Why was that the expression she'd chosen to use? Something about it really rubbed me the wrong way.
"Are there not any?"
"Oh, no. There are. There definitely are. It's just... This all came so suddenly. I can't think of any off the top of my head."
"I see..."
Personally, I felt like if someone were to ask me what I loved about chocolate, I'd be able to give them an immediate answer. In chocolate's case specifically it'd be that it's sweet. Sure, there were more nuanced opinions you could have after you spent some more time thinking about it, but the point is that you didn't have to. You should always be able to list out at least a few positive aspects regarding the thing or person you loved.
Did Shimamura really not have any of those she could think of when it came to me?
If not, then in what way did she love me?
"What about you, Adachi? Are you able to say which part of me you love?"
"Yes, of course. I can give you multiple."
I was confident that I could fill a whole notebook with them. In fact, I had actually done that.
"Really? Wow. That's shocking."
"N-No it's not. It's not shocking at all."
It was for a reason that simply talking with her had led me to have a dream where we'd kissed.
There were so many parts to her that I loved. So, so many.
"Hmm... So many, huh?"
"Yes. So many."
I wouldn't have been surprised if I was able to talk more about her than I was about myself.
Sure, it didn't really make sense listing out reasons for you loving yourself, but that wasn't what I meant. The point was that I loved her. A lot.
"I see. Well, that's good."
There was something about her voice that gave me the impression that she really meant what she said.
"I like to think that it's a very good thing having someone else tell you things about yourself that are hard to notice on your own."
Again, I was left feeling like this was something she had thought about before.
And yet, for some reason, I also felt like I hadn't been part of those thoughts.
That really hurt. It frustrated me beyond belief.
"When we next meet, could you do that? List out some positive things you like about me?"
Even so, despite that, she still wanted to be with me.
I found my heart beating so fast that it couldn't possibly beat any faster.
"O-Of course. I'll do my best!" I proclaimed with great enthusiasm. Though I didn't say it out loud, the clenched fist that accompanied this statement was there to signal my desire to be with her.
"Hehe. Well then, I'll be looking forward to it."
"Yeah!"
No way could I afford not living up to her expectations.
I thought about stating that explicitly, but ultimately decided against it.
We continued talking much in the same vein for the next little while. By the end of it, my head was left feeling all dizzy.
The feeling was a little similar to anxiety, except for all the bad bits.
Wait... Huh?
It was only there that I realised it, but in the end, she hadn't told me which part of me she loved, had she?
Not that I really minded. I hardly had it in me to get angry at her for that. Quite the opposite, really; I couldn't help but admire what a good speaker she was.
Ehehe. Hehe.
I could hear someone laughing.
Scanning my room, it took me a few moments to realise that it was me. I was laughing.
My laugh was so weird, so eerie. Hearing it made me laugh all the more.
There I was, sitting in the corner of my room, clenching my knees. When or where exactly was this? That I couldn't tell you.
Why? Because I spent the vast majority of my time like that.
From very early on in my childhood, I'd always been bad at opening myself to others. Sure, the other children around me had been just as ignorant of the world as I was, but there was still a difference between us; unlike me, they were sociable. Why exactly was that? Had we simply been born with souls of differing quality? Did humans even have such a thing as a soul?
If so, then where did it come from?
Assuming it was something you were given by your parents, then did that mean you were able to blame everything that was wrong in your life on them?
Of course not. Of course you couldn't do that.
Just like how you moved your own arms, you also chose what to value as being beautiful.
In my case, I hadn't done anything of the sort.
I'd just sat there in the pit of darkness.
It had been the choice I'd made, the way I had lived my life. In the same way, it was also my choice to leave that darkness as I now did in the form of taking a step through the front door of our house.
Before me spread the sky, the sun so distant.
It was now the first of September. School was going to be starting today.
Back during my first year, I'd skipped the opening ceremony and instead spent the time idling away. In the same way, I'd not gone to classes, leaving me far behind compared to my other classmates. And yet, despite that, I didn't regret it one bit. I didn't think it had been all for nothing.
Why? Because it was doing so which had led me to meet Shimamura.
Simply the thought of that caused sun to shine upon my world.
For me, September was equivalent to the start of a new year.
Another year I'd get to share with Shimamura was about to begin.
I pulled out my bike and started pedalling. But, not into the direction of school. No, I was going the exact opposite way.
Though I couldn't see it, I could feel it. I was of course talking about Shimamura's smile.
It was so bright, brighter than the sun that had yet to fully rise. I went ahead and reached out for it.
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login